How I Met Your Mother s07e06 Episode Script

Mystery vs. History

OLDER TED: By the fall of 2011, technology had taken a lot of the intrigue out of life.
The Internet had everyone's wall of information.
Nothing was a mystery anymore.
But, kids, there was a time before that, way back in the dark ages.
Are you people insane?! The most popular food in America is the cheeseburger! No way! It's pizza! Are we forgetting about a certain Mr.
Furter, first name Frank? Um, what did every kid bring in their lunchbox every day till grade eight? Pancakes with maple syrup.
Thanks, Canada.
We're looking for a food the average American eats.
MARSHALL: Yeah.
Yeah.
- Oh! Chinese food.
And then came the smartphone.
Hey, remember when we were arguing about the most popular food? It's bread.
OTHERS: Hm.
And the barroom debate was dead.
BARNEY: You guys are idiots! NARRATOR: Okay, not completely dead.
You are seriously telling me you don't want to open that envelope and find out if you're having a boy or a girl? Nope.
Dr.
Sonya only gave us this in case we wanted to know.
But we don't.
Lilypad and I are just gonna wait till that baby pops out and enjoy the big surprise.
Look, I have pretended to be a licensed therapist enough times to know there is something unhealthy about your not wanting to find out.
- Back me up here, Kev.
- No, no, no, no, no.
This real therapist won't risk upsetting his wonderful new girlfriend by analyzing her wonderful friends.
No matter how mentally unbalanced they may be.
I hear you.
I don't think you do.
We just don't want to burden our little angel with all kinds of gender-specific expectations.
Boys can do ballet; girls can play football.
Hell, the Green Bay Packers have been proving that for years.
That would've gotten a big laugh at a sports bar.
Well, I say define gender roles early.
All the other girls got a pretty dress and a cake when they turned 14.
Me I want to go home, Daddy! That direction is nothing but wolves.
And 40 kilometers that way is the mining town of Smithers.
I'd take my chances with the wolves.
I'll see you in three days.
Well, wait, wh-what am I supposed to eat? Hey, you've got a knife, the forest is full of animals-- what do you want, a buffet? Papa! Happy birthday, son! Got any thoughts on that, Doc? If you guys think I'm going near that, you're crazy.
Why'd you emphasize "you're"? No reason.
You're pretty.
By the way, do you guys want to come over tomorrow night for sangria and tapas? Si.
Muchas gracias.
That sounds awesome.
Great.
We're also gonna paint the nursery.
Oh, and a quick update on the sangria and tapas-- that's cancelled.
Mmm Guess what smooth son of a bitch just picked up a girl at the bar? Barney, you're cheating on Nora already? No, guys, it's me.
Janet McIntyre.
Struck up a conversation at the bar while ordering, she guessed bread right away, we laughed, it was a thing, boom, going out tomorrow night.
- So, she said yes just like that? - Just like that.
BARNEY/ROBIN: There's something wrong with her.
No, no, no, no.
Stop it.
They always do this.
Every time I go on a first date, they snap right into research mode.
It started by accident.
(phone rings) Ooh.
Hello? Ted, we did a little Internet research on your Mia Plumley.
BARNEY: We just sent you a picture of her from six months ago.
I don't understand-- is Mia standing behind this morbidly obese wo (gasps) Oh, my God! They had cookies and cream.
And what you were saying about how women feel they have to starve themselves makes so much sense.
Ooh, hot dogs.
Score! After that, background checks became standard operating procedure.
The date with Nadine went great.
Unless you guys found something.
Are you sitting down? No.
She's wanted in Florida on crystal meth charges.
She breeds pit bulls for dog fighting.
- Also, the FBI - What's this link? Oh, she also writes online movie reviews.
Anyway, she's still married to a death row inmate convicted She gave Annie Hall two out of ten stars? (gasps) "Slow and overrated"? Really? That's your takeaway? It's the Wood Man at the height of his powers.
The way he broke the fourth wall by talking directly to camera? People have been ripping that off ever since.
Can you believe this guy? Paula Vincenzo.
She's in the bathroom.
What's wrong with her? Total psycho.
Her Facebook wall has a link to a site about dating inanimate objects.
For most of last year, she was engaged to a mini fridge.
And there's pictures: her and the mini fridge on a hike, her and the mini fridge in wine country, here's the mini fridge meeting her parents Run like the wind.
(footsteps approaching) So want to go back to my place? Yeah, all right.
Well, thanks to us, you ran screaming from that freak show, right? - Absolutely.
- Cuckoo! So what's the problem? You need us.
No, I don't, okay? I don't want a background check.
I want adventure and excitement.
Look, if it's a choice between mystery and history, I want mystery.
In fact Ted, I wouldn't Uh, Janet.
I have a theory.
People don't get the chance to just discover each other anymore, so here's my idea.
Before we go out tomorrow, let's not do any prior Internet research on each other.
It sounds like I'm hiding something horrible, doesn't it? I'm pretty sure you're a serial killer.
I'm not.
I'm not.
It's just, you know, like, when my parents met, they didn't have the Internet-- they just went out on a blind date and fell in love.
That's nice.
And they're still together? Right up to the divorce.
The point is, I'd love to get to know you in person, not on my computer.
I like that.
What started out sounding really creepy turned out really sweet.
That's kind of my move.
(laughs) And she was on board with the whole "no Internet" thing? She loved it.
The bitch is hiding something.
The bitch is totally hiding something.
Hey, Ted, before you leave-- is Janet McIntyre M-A-C or M-C? For the last time, I don't want to know anything about her before the date.
You might want to see this, Ted-- naked pictures.
That's not Janet.
Who, now? Seriously if you guys respect me as a friend stop looking.
Well, Ted was pretty clear there, so let's shut those laptops and go help Lily and Marshall, just like we promised.
Let's leave the laptops here and go paint that baby room.
Without laptops.
Or bring the laptops.
Either way.
This is exciting.
I give you the color our child will grow up with.
Yellow, like the sun.
Or daughter.
Pun snuggle.
Oh, God, this room's about to get its first spit-up.
Just open the envelope already! Kevin, will you please tell Barney that it is perfectly normal for us to want to preserve the mystery.
I'm not here to analyze; I'm here to win boyfriend points.
By the way, you all look great, especially Robin.
Come on, if you don't know the gender, you're gonna get generic crap at the baby shower.
But if you do know the gender, you'll get, oh, I don't know, this! Marshall! Lights! Okay.
(dance music playing) BARNEY: When little Jack's not turning double plays, he's turning heads with this home run of an outfit! And if it's a little girl This royal ensemble may leave you speechless, but it's sure to make little Sally say, "I wuv you, Mommy, and I wuv my dress, and I would love to see you in the shower.
" Sorry, I kind of fell out of character in that last part.
But if you don't know the gender Little Fran is sure to be the pariah of the playground in this hermaphroditic burlap sack.
Marshall! Lights! Barney, you don't really care abo'.
No.
You just can't stand not knowing something.
That's ridiculous! Marshall, will you will you hold these for a second? Yeah, sure.
Why? Because I gots to know! Oh, Barney, no! Help! Get him off of me! (all shouting) Everybody hold it! Hold it! I found Janet McIntyre, who's been widowed three times.
She's obviously killing her husbands! Oh, my God! They're six minutes into the date.
Ted's probably already told her that he loves her! We've got to get down there! (all shouting) Nobody's going anywhere! Why?! NARRATOR: Kids, at that moment, Kevin thought back to his earlier rule This real therapist won't risk upsetting his wonderful new girlfriend by analyzing her wonderful friends.
and threw it out the window.
You're all the most codependent, incestuous, controlling group of people I've ever met! By the way, you all look great, especially Robin.
Oh, mm-mm.
This is so great.
Right? See, if we'd researched each other, we'd both be secretly steering the conversation one way or the other.
But this is more exciting, right? Way more exciting.
I mean, we can talk about anything we want.
Anything.
(laughs) (mellow jazz playing) So how was the traffic getting here? You picked me up at my apartment.
I certainly did.
TED: Oh, my God, I've lost the ability to talk to girls without the Internet.
My brain is completely shutting down.
So, are you folks gonna have dinner or just drinks? (laughing) I-I don't know.
What the hell was that, Kevin? We're all crazy just because I'm looking up some stuff on the Internet, and Barney wants to know the baby's gender? Well, to be honest, I noticed some other disturbing Never mind.
It's nothing.
I'm sorry.
I gots to know! Okay, last night alone When-When are you coming back? Because I miss you, silly! Wait, who's he talking to? Shh, I'll be back soon.
Yeah, you want me to bring you a pretzel? (ding) Ted's texting me from the bathroom.
(laughter) ALL: Oh.
I don't get it.
- It's just a "C" with an apostrophe.
- Oh.
ROBIN: Oh, yeah.
Sometimes when one of us is on the can, we'll, uh, sneak a peek and then text each other, you know.
Symbols to describe what your bowel movement looks like? (laughter) This morning, I took an ampersand.
Last summer, I dropped a deuce that actually looked like the number two! (ding) When you worked late Wednesday, I I got lonely and I watched Survivor without you.
(ding) Practically the only unhealthy behavior I didn't see from you people was physical violence.
(grunting) (grunting) Yeah.
At least we don't do that.
And to top it off, all the meddling in Ted's love life, not to mention Lily's pregnancy? It all strikes me as just deeply dysfunctional.
So what you're saying is, we're fine? (ding) mistaken for Helvetica, the fact is it's Helvetica Bold.
I can actually hear the sound of her vagina being boarded up.
I got to be honest, Janet.
First of all this is Times New Roman.
Second, I'm having trouble coming up with things to talk about.
You? I'm sitting here thinking, "Damn it, I wish I had something That's gold.
" Guys, I'm so sorry I said anything.
Um, you basically called my friends mentally ill.
Yeah, you think some lame apology will fix that? What if I just paint the rest of the room by myself? ROBIN, LILY & MARSHALL: Apology accepted.
Okay, let's do this.
Let-Let's find out each other's likes and dislikes.
Start with something totally random.
Like, um, oh, I don't know.
Are you a fan of-- I don't know-- Annie Hall? I'm guessing that's not random at all, and you use that movie to test whether a girl is cool? No, it's-it's the first movie that popped into I love Annie Hall.
Oh, thank God you're cool.
NARRATOR: But just as things started to go well with Janet McIntyre Whoa.
I just found Janet McIntyre.
The Janet McIntyre.
BOTH: Sweet mother of God! (laughs) (phone chimes) Uh, well, I got to run to the restroom.
No internet, Mister.
If you find out my deep, dark secret, I'll have to kill you.
It's just my friends checking up on me.
I'll politely let them know we're having a lovely time.
Okay.
Ted says, "I'm not clicking on the link, so leave me alone.
" And then either texted me a bunch of symbols for profanity, or got food poisoning and dropped the weirdest deuce of all time.
You guys have to see this.
No.
We're with Ted on this.
We don't want to find out about Janet, just like we don't want to find out about the baby.
Because we like mystery, whether it's the hairy majesty of Bigfoot, or the bloodsucking ferocity of the Chupacabra, or the gender of our little miracle.
Thanks for putting those together in the same sentence, sweetie.
Mm.
Look, if you guys don't want to know, how about this? Let me look, and I won't tell you.
Absolutely not.
Fine.
(gasping) Baby, if it will shut him up, what's the harm? Can I? (muttering) (both giggling) This may have been a mistake.
Boy! Do I like babies! Girl! friend, your hair looks fantastic! Twins! was the feel-good movie of 1988.
Okay, Barney, hey, it doesn't matter what you guys say.
We're not gonna cave.
Yes, we are! Oh, just open your eyes.
This gender-neutral yellow is horrible! We're clearly gonna paint over the whole thing! That's what you want to hear.
I gots to know! Yeah.
"It's a" It's a Where is the rest of the card? I ripped it in half.
I knew you'd be desperate to see it, and I'll give it to you.
All you have to do is admit that mystery is stupid by reading about Janet McIntyre.
This is in no way emotional extortion.
You guys are great.
Fine, we'll look at your laptop.
BOTH: Sweet mother of God.
I can't really see the computer screen.
It just went down the wrong pipe.
(phone chimes) TED: Whoa.
If Lily and Marshall want me to click on it, maybe Janet really does have a deep, dark secret.
What's going on? I'm a prostitute.
You didn't think I was actually into you, did you? Sort of.
(laughter) TED: Get it together, Mosby.
Oh.
(sighs) You don't buy beer, you rent it.
Am I right? This is the men's room.
I know.
I'm a dude.
(gasps) (sighs) Listen, there's something you should know.
I lied.
I only kind of liked Annie Hall.
(gasps) TED: I gots to know! Sweet mother of God.
Hey.
(sighs) Ted, are you okay? You look freaked out.
I'm not freaked out.
NARRATOR: I was freaked out.
Why? 'Cause I had just discovered that Janet McIntyre was amazing! And just like that, the wall went up.
Okay, he looked at Janet McIntyre's Internet extravaganza.
Here's the other half of the card.
Wait.
Should we do this? I I don't know.
I mean, my soul says no, but these hideous yellow walls scream yes.
Should I just stop, or? Sweet mother of God! A dog in Ottawa ran all the way to Saskatoon! What? We figured out the Janet thing.
I'm catching up on Canada.
(gasps) You're with me on this, right? Otherwise, I can go down, and I can get the card.
Absolutely.
Oh, thank you.
NARRATOR: And so the gender remained a secret, but Janet McIntyre's life no longer was.
There was only one problem.
Ted, what's going on? Nothing.
Did I mention that I'm the youngest architect in New York history to have a skyscraper built? Oh.
So, I'm not quite as far beneath you as you might think.
Why would I think that? No reason, but this one time in sixth grade, I saw a raccoon trapped in a gutter, and I told my dad, and the firemen came and got it out, so it's not like I pulled a baby from a creek or anything, but at least I didn't ignore it and keep lighting bugs on fire with my magnifying glass.
We had one promise, and you broke it.
What are you talking about? You looked me up, and now you find me intimidating.
Why-Why would I find you intimidating, okay? It's not like I donated a kidney, but I donated blood once, although I wound up fainting, and they had to put it all back in.
(sighs) I was so excited about this.
But now you're just a blubbering idiot like the rest of them.
No, I ain't! I mean, no, I never do that thing you says.
(sighs) What I mean is, you gooder than me no make difference! And that's that.
I wish to God I'd never clicked on that link.
I'm sorry, Ted.
We were just trying to help.
I said it was meddling and manipulative, but Kevin insisted we butt in.
(ding) No, it's my fault.
I never should have looked.
In the battle of mystery versus history, it's best not to know.
Lily Pad? What? We're having a boy.
We're having a boy.
We're having a boy! You're having a boy! We're having a we're having a boy.
We're having a boy.
(laughter) We're having a boy.
I'll go buy some blue paint.
It needs sharpening.
You see? I told you three days would go by in no time.
Phineas, take us up! Well, in case you were wondering, it rained the entire time I was in the Caribbean.
Thank you for asking.
(howling)