I Didn't Do It (2014) s02e18 Episode Script
Bite Club
So you guys ready for Halloween this year? Oh, this is gonna be the best one ever.
Me and pretty boy are going to New York City.
- We are? - The other pretty boy.
Remember that presentation Delia and I did, "Snack getters, the unsung heroes of science"? Of course.
I remember all your school projects.
We were invited to give our presentation at the National Science Convention in New York.
It will be us in a room full of smarty-pants.
Buh-what?! How'd that happen? None of the kids with better grades wanted to go.
They were studying for something called midterms.
But if you're out of town, we can't watch the Ballet Dads marathon on Halloween night.
Why would you watch Ballet Dads on Halloween? There's nothing more terrifying than those dads.
Hey, dude, you can watch Ballet Dads without me.
I'm kidding.
If you watch without me, I'm never speaking to you again.
Thanks.
Now I don't have anything to do on Halloween.
Yes, you do.
I have to work that night, so I need you to take Kevin trick-or-treating.
Here's the thing.
I'm not really sure Kevin likes me, and I'm very sure I don't like him.
So what? I spend lots of time with people I don't like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day.
Just don't think taking your nephew trick-or-treating is part of my job description.
Would you like to continue having a job to describe? Perhaps I misjudged the little rascal.
Oh! Hello, young ladies.
You scared us.
Would you like to give blood? That is not helping.
I'm running a mobile blood drive.
See, you should lead with that.
Would you be interested in donating? Sure.
I'll donate.
Yeah, me too.
My blood is your blood.
You have to be 17.
Then I guess my blood is not your blood.
Here are some permission slips.
Have your parents sign them and bring them back tomorrow.
But tomorrow's Halloween.
We were gonna watch scary movies at your house.
We can do it after we donate blood.
Excellent.
By the way, my name is Vlad, short for Vladimir.
- Are you Russian? - He's got all the time in the world.
Amusing.
I like your accent.
Where you from? I'm from a small village in sylvania.
Sorry.
Did you say Pennsylvania? Sure.
Why not? So I guess we'll see you tomorrow then.
- What time will you be here? - After sundown.
Oh, fresh blood.
- That was weird.
- What do you mean? His name is Vlad.
He's running a blood drive at night.
And who's ever heard of sylvania? I have.
It's right down the street from town.
The presentation went great, and now we're in Central Park at night, and we're walking up to a big, spooky-looking house.
Dad? I'm losing you.
Hello? Well, he's not gonna sleep tonight.
Hey, what's going on here? It's the Central Park Spook-tacular.
I'm Trish, and this is Dez.
I'm Logan, and this is Delia.
Ooh, nice costumes.
These aren't costumes.
We just presented at a prestigious scientific convention.
What does Mark Twain have to do with science? Actually, I'm Albert Einstein.
And I'm Marie Antoinette.
I was supposed to be Marie Curie, but my cat peed on my lab coat.
Oh, I love Marie Curie.
She's one of my favorite singers.
Oh! Um I think you mean Mariah Carey.
Oh.
What did Marie Curie sing? Nothing.
She was a famous scientist and chemist who developed a lot of great things, like the x-ray.
My guess is, if we x-rayed this area, we wouldn't find much.
She means my brain.
So, um, bread and lemon.
I'm not getting the connection.
Someone doesn't know what the "L" in BLT stands for.
Lemon.
Duh.
I see you have a Dez.
And you have a Logan.
You guys should go inside.
They have a lot of great stuff here.
There's even a fortune teller.
And don't forget to buy a raffle ticket.
The prize is $1,000.
Maybe we should get two tickets, and then we could win $2,000.
That's what I said.
I think it's cute when numbers confuse him.
I feel the same way.
Okay.
You have got to be kidding me.
If I have to take Kevin trick-or-treating, I'm gonna get some candy out of it.
Who are you supposed to be? I am Roid Boy.
Don't worry, I got some cream for that.
Roid as in asteroid.
Most people are going to think hemorrhoid.
I know! Hey, as long as you bring my nephew home safe, I don't care how stupid you look.
Where is Kevin? He's getting changed.
Says he wants to surprise me with his costume.
Who are you supposed to be? The scariest person I know.
You.
Aw, you so sweet.
Well, you ready to go? Actually, Garrett's gonna take you.
What? Aunt Betty, how can I put this? Garrett's a loser.
Put it another way.
That was the nice version.
All right, all right.
I want you back by 9:00.
But first, let me get a picture.
Smile.
You know, I even look good little.
Got our forms, and we're ready to give blood.
Excellent.
You forgot to sign and initial here.
- Sorry.
- So Who would like to go first? Uh, Linds, can I get a quick sec over here? - Did you see that? - See what? - He's got fangs.
- What? The nighttime blood drive, the pale skin, it all adds up now.
Look, I know this sounds crazy, but I think he's a vampire.
Okay, Jazz, vampires aren't real.
If they aren't real, why is one standing right over there?! Okay, I don't care how cute the guys are, you have got to stop watching Real Vampires of Beverly Hills.
So are you ready to give blood, because I am thirsty.
What?! What? I just mean, if you're not ready, I was going to get a smoothie.
I changed my mind.
I'm not giving blood.
Oh, what a shame.
I was looking forward to your donation.
May I escort you to ze bloodmobile? Bye-bye.
Yes, bye-bye.
Oh, please come in.
I was expecting you.
You were? Logan, she's a fortune teller.
I'm pretty sure she says that to everybody.
Hey, don't kill the magic, princess.
I predict you will sit.
Whoa! She's good.
And now, I will tell your fortune, Albert Einstein.
But first, I must look into my crystal ball.
That's a basketball.
I dropped my crystal ball in the subway.
It happens.
I see that this ball should be inflated to 15 pounds.
That's a joke.
I also do a little stand-up comedy.
As a matter of fact, I'm gonna be at The Chuckle Shack in Queens.
I predict you will be there.
I'm sorry, I don't think I can come.
Then I predict something terrible will happen to you tonight.
All because I can't come to your show? The spirits operate without reason.
But there's gonna be a hot dog bar.
Oh, come on, Logan.
This is bogus.
Let's go jump in the eyeball pit before it gets gross.
Would you hurry up? Would you stop running everywhere? Look, we've been out here for almost an hour, and we hardly have any candy.
Trick-or-treating is a volume business, so keep up or get out.
I guess your Betty costume comes complete with attitude.
Trick-or-treat.
Aren't you adorable? Oh, my, who are you supposed to be? I'm Roid Boy! Ah, like an asteroid.
Finally! Here you go.
Come on, take a big handful.
- Thanks.
- Happy Halloween.
Bye-bye.
Wow.
This place was a candy gold mine.
I wish every house was like this.
Maybe it could be.
What do you mean? I have an idea.
But it's a little on the evil side.
Well, you picked the right night, and the right partner.
- What happened? - Oh, she's fine.
Some people just get a little light-headed when they give blood.
I'm going to get her something to drink.
May I interest you in our special Halloween smoothie? Blood orange.
That sounds delightful.
Can you hold the orange? Yeah, like I haven't heard that one tonight.
Are you sure you're okay? Yes, Jazz, I'm fine.
I passed out for a second, but that's not unusual.
- Linds, your neck.
- What? Those look like bite marks.
Probably just a bug bite or something.
If Vlad bit you, that means you're gonna turn into a vampire.
What is wrong with you? Here you go.
And thank you for giving blood.
Now you are truly one of us.
Here's a sticker.
This smoothie is delicious.
Must be the blood Orange.
So because of what that stupid fortune teller said, we're just gonna spend the rest of the night out here? Yes, in the middle of Central Park, standing in this thorny bush Ow where it's safe.
Nothing bad is gonna happen to you.
I can't take that chance.
Okay, how about this? Why don't we just switch costumes? And how would that help? Because the fortune teller predicted Einstein's fortune, not yours.
So if I'm Einstein, nothing bad's gonna happen to you.
Is this just your tricky way of getting me in a dress? No.
But also yes.
Okay, now I feel better.
And you've never looked more lovely.
Thank you, sir.
Hey, guys.
Wait a minute.
Before, weren't you, and weren't you? Oh, we switched costumes.
Oh, we could switch costumes.
Nah, I don't wanna look stupid.
Are you sure? It's really fun.
In the bathroom, you get to say, "Hey, I'm making lemonade.
" I'm sure.
We switched because Logan thinks something terrible is gonna happen.
Something terrible? I don't want anything to do with that.
Bye! I'd better go after him, or he'll end up running all the way back to Miami.
Bye! Attention, everybody.
I would like to announce the winner of tonight's raffle.
But before I do that, does anyone need directions to the Chuckle Shack? A curse on all of you! And now, the winning number.
It is - I won! - What? But that was my ticket.
That's right, it was your ticket, but it was in my pocket.
Oh, the pocket rule.
It got me again.
I hate it so.
I wish we could do something, but it is a rule.
Oh, man.
This must be the terrible thing that the fortune teller was talking about.
Relax.
I'll split the prize with you 50-50.
You're gonna give me 50 bucks? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
He needs a partner for the couples costume contest.
How do you know he said that? I'm fluent in Frankenstein.
Okay, well, tell him I'm Marie Antoinette, not the bride of Frankenstein.
He said close enough.
Wha wha I was wrong.
This is the terrible thing.
- Howdy.
- Trick-or-treat.
Well, aren't you a couple of cute cowboys.
Why, thank you kindly, ma'am.
Grab yourself some candy.
Don't be shy.
Trick-or-treat.
Oh, my, you're a tall one.
Thank you.
I mean Thank you.
Trick-or-treat.
Ooh, you're ghosts.
And you have such a lovely floral pattern.
And you cut holes in that? Ooh, you better take some extra candy.
Trick-or-treat.
Who are you two supposed to be? I'm the backwards clothes boy.
I am "out of ideas" kid.
Oh, well, that just makes me sad.
Why don't you take a lot of candy? Lindy? Linds? Linds? Good evening.
What are you doing? Just resting my eyes.
Are you okay? Your face is really pale.
I feel fine.
Like I could live forever.
Okay.
Very funny.
Just because I thought you were a vampire, you're trying to scare me.
I would never do that.
You're one of my closest friends.
Shall we start the movie? Okay.
But first, let me get a snack.
Oh, wait.
There's something delicious right here.
Let me out! Don't go.
Stay for a bite.
- I already ate.
- I haven't.
Gotcha! Halloween prank in your face.
I, uh knew all along.
No, you didn't.
You thought I was a vampire.
I did not.
Oh, really? Then, uh why do you have a wooden stake in your purse? I joined the whittling club.
Okay, I thought you were a vampire.
Were you really gonna drive a stake through my heart? Only because I love you.
If you were a zombie, I would've shot you in the brain.
That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Stop that! Aunt Betty, look at all this candy.
You have got to be kidding me.
How many houses did you go to? Pretty much just one.
The lady was gonna give us more, but she ran out of candy.
So she started giving us stuff from the yard.
I got a garden gnome, and a hummingbird feeder.
I didn't even want them, I just couldn't stop taking stuff.
There's no way you two are gonna eat all this candy.
Sounds like a challenge to me.
Oh, no.
We're going to donate it to the children's hospital.
There are kids over there who couldn't go trick-or-treating tonight.
Wouldn't you feel better if your selfish efforts turned into something positive? Aunt Betty, you've never given me any life lessons before.
Why start now? I'm just as surprised as you are.
Well, you can make Kevin give away his candy, but we're not related.
You're right.
I can't tell you what to do.
You have to decide for yourself what's right.
Greedy, greedy pig boy.
Greedy? Just 'cause I took candy from an old lady and won't give it to sick kids? Boy, that doesn't sound good, does it? And this is Logan after we switched costumes.
Future reference, ladies sit with their knees together.
Who are you dancing with? Oh, that's my husband, Frankenstein.
Not much of a talker, but very light on his feet.
Let me show you guys one from our Halloween.
We got a great shot with Vlad, the blood drive guy.
Jazz thought he was a vampire.
I was just playing along.
Okay, here it is.
Wait a minute.
Why isn't he in the picture? That's weird.
He was standing right next to me.
Linds, vampires don't appear in pictures.
That means oh, wait, this is the picture Vlad was in.
Who's the big lemon on the highway? Oh, Trish sent us that one.
That's Dez running south on I-95.
He's their Logan.
Dad!
Me and pretty boy are going to New York City.
- We are? - The other pretty boy.
Remember that presentation Delia and I did, "Snack getters, the unsung heroes of science"? Of course.
I remember all your school projects.
We were invited to give our presentation at the National Science Convention in New York.
It will be us in a room full of smarty-pants.
Buh-what?! How'd that happen? None of the kids with better grades wanted to go.
They were studying for something called midterms.
But if you're out of town, we can't watch the Ballet Dads marathon on Halloween night.
Why would you watch Ballet Dads on Halloween? There's nothing more terrifying than those dads.
Hey, dude, you can watch Ballet Dads without me.
I'm kidding.
If you watch without me, I'm never speaking to you again.
Thanks.
Now I don't have anything to do on Halloween.
Yes, you do.
I have to work that night, so I need you to take Kevin trick-or-treating.
Here's the thing.
I'm not really sure Kevin likes me, and I'm very sure I don't like him.
So what? I spend lots of time with people I don't like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day.
Just don't think taking your nephew trick-or-treating is part of my job description.
Would you like to continue having a job to describe? Perhaps I misjudged the little rascal.
Oh! Hello, young ladies.
You scared us.
Would you like to give blood? That is not helping.
I'm running a mobile blood drive.
See, you should lead with that.
Would you be interested in donating? Sure.
I'll donate.
Yeah, me too.
My blood is your blood.
You have to be 17.
Then I guess my blood is not your blood.
Here are some permission slips.
Have your parents sign them and bring them back tomorrow.
But tomorrow's Halloween.
We were gonna watch scary movies at your house.
We can do it after we donate blood.
Excellent.
By the way, my name is Vlad, short for Vladimir.
- Are you Russian? - He's got all the time in the world.
Amusing.
I like your accent.
Where you from? I'm from a small village in sylvania.
Sorry.
Did you say Pennsylvania? Sure.
Why not? So I guess we'll see you tomorrow then.
- What time will you be here? - After sundown.
Oh, fresh blood.
- That was weird.
- What do you mean? His name is Vlad.
He's running a blood drive at night.
And who's ever heard of sylvania? I have.
It's right down the street from town.
The presentation went great, and now we're in Central Park at night, and we're walking up to a big, spooky-looking house.
Dad? I'm losing you.
Hello? Well, he's not gonna sleep tonight.
Hey, what's going on here? It's the Central Park Spook-tacular.
I'm Trish, and this is Dez.
I'm Logan, and this is Delia.
Ooh, nice costumes.
These aren't costumes.
We just presented at a prestigious scientific convention.
What does Mark Twain have to do with science? Actually, I'm Albert Einstein.
And I'm Marie Antoinette.
I was supposed to be Marie Curie, but my cat peed on my lab coat.
Oh, I love Marie Curie.
She's one of my favorite singers.
Oh! Um I think you mean Mariah Carey.
Oh.
What did Marie Curie sing? Nothing.
She was a famous scientist and chemist who developed a lot of great things, like the x-ray.
My guess is, if we x-rayed this area, we wouldn't find much.
She means my brain.
So, um, bread and lemon.
I'm not getting the connection.
Someone doesn't know what the "L" in BLT stands for.
Lemon.
Duh.
I see you have a Dez.
And you have a Logan.
You guys should go inside.
They have a lot of great stuff here.
There's even a fortune teller.
And don't forget to buy a raffle ticket.
The prize is $1,000.
Maybe we should get two tickets, and then we could win $2,000.
That's what I said.
I think it's cute when numbers confuse him.
I feel the same way.
Okay.
You have got to be kidding me.
If I have to take Kevin trick-or-treating, I'm gonna get some candy out of it.
Who are you supposed to be? I am Roid Boy.
Don't worry, I got some cream for that.
Roid as in asteroid.
Most people are going to think hemorrhoid.
I know! Hey, as long as you bring my nephew home safe, I don't care how stupid you look.
Where is Kevin? He's getting changed.
Says he wants to surprise me with his costume.
Who are you supposed to be? The scariest person I know.
You.
Aw, you so sweet.
Well, you ready to go? Actually, Garrett's gonna take you.
What? Aunt Betty, how can I put this? Garrett's a loser.
Put it another way.
That was the nice version.
All right, all right.
I want you back by 9:00.
But first, let me get a picture.
Smile.
You know, I even look good little.
Got our forms, and we're ready to give blood.
Excellent.
You forgot to sign and initial here.
- Sorry.
- So Who would like to go first? Uh, Linds, can I get a quick sec over here? - Did you see that? - See what? - He's got fangs.
- What? The nighttime blood drive, the pale skin, it all adds up now.
Look, I know this sounds crazy, but I think he's a vampire.
Okay, Jazz, vampires aren't real.
If they aren't real, why is one standing right over there?! Okay, I don't care how cute the guys are, you have got to stop watching Real Vampires of Beverly Hills.
So are you ready to give blood, because I am thirsty.
What?! What? I just mean, if you're not ready, I was going to get a smoothie.
I changed my mind.
I'm not giving blood.
Oh, what a shame.
I was looking forward to your donation.
May I escort you to ze bloodmobile? Bye-bye.
Yes, bye-bye.
Oh, please come in.
I was expecting you.
You were? Logan, she's a fortune teller.
I'm pretty sure she says that to everybody.
Hey, don't kill the magic, princess.
I predict you will sit.
Whoa! She's good.
And now, I will tell your fortune, Albert Einstein.
But first, I must look into my crystal ball.
That's a basketball.
I dropped my crystal ball in the subway.
It happens.
I see that this ball should be inflated to 15 pounds.
That's a joke.
I also do a little stand-up comedy.
As a matter of fact, I'm gonna be at The Chuckle Shack in Queens.
I predict you will be there.
I'm sorry, I don't think I can come.
Then I predict something terrible will happen to you tonight.
All because I can't come to your show? The spirits operate without reason.
But there's gonna be a hot dog bar.
Oh, come on, Logan.
This is bogus.
Let's go jump in the eyeball pit before it gets gross.
Would you hurry up? Would you stop running everywhere? Look, we've been out here for almost an hour, and we hardly have any candy.
Trick-or-treating is a volume business, so keep up or get out.
I guess your Betty costume comes complete with attitude.
Trick-or-treat.
Aren't you adorable? Oh, my, who are you supposed to be? I'm Roid Boy! Ah, like an asteroid.
Finally! Here you go.
Come on, take a big handful.
- Thanks.
- Happy Halloween.
Bye-bye.
Wow.
This place was a candy gold mine.
I wish every house was like this.
Maybe it could be.
What do you mean? I have an idea.
But it's a little on the evil side.
Well, you picked the right night, and the right partner.
- What happened? - Oh, she's fine.
Some people just get a little light-headed when they give blood.
I'm going to get her something to drink.
May I interest you in our special Halloween smoothie? Blood orange.
That sounds delightful.
Can you hold the orange? Yeah, like I haven't heard that one tonight.
Are you sure you're okay? Yes, Jazz, I'm fine.
I passed out for a second, but that's not unusual.
- Linds, your neck.
- What? Those look like bite marks.
Probably just a bug bite or something.
If Vlad bit you, that means you're gonna turn into a vampire.
What is wrong with you? Here you go.
And thank you for giving blood.
Now you are truly one of us.
Here's a sticker.
This smoothie is delicious.
Must be the blood Orange.
So because of what that stupid fortune teller said, we're just gonna spend the rest of the night out here? Yes, in the middle of Central Park, standing in this thorny bush Ow where it's safe.
Nothing bad is gonna happen to you.
I can't take that chance.
Okay, how about this? Why don't we just switch costumes? And how would that help? Because the fortune teller predicted Einstein's fortune, not yours.
So if I'm Einstein, nothing bad's gonna happen to you.
Is this just your tricky way of getting me in a dress? No.
But also yes.
Okay, now I feel better.
And you've never looked more lovely.
Thank you, sir.
Hey, guys.
Wait a minute.
Before, weren't you, and weren't you? Oh, we switched costumes.
Oh, we could switch costumes.
Nah, I don't wanna look stupid.
Are you sure? It's really fun.
In the bathroom, you get to say, "Hey, I'm making lemonade.
" I'm sure.
We switched because Logan thinks something terrible is gonna happen.
Something terrible? I don't want anything to do with that.
Bye! I'd better go after him, or he'll end up running all the way back to Miami.
Bye! Attention, everybody.
I would like to announce the winner of tonight's raffle.
But before I do that, does anyone need directions to the Chuckle Shack? A curse on all of you! And now, the winning number.
It is - I won! - What? But that was my ticket.
That's right, it was your ticket, but it was in my pocket.
Oh, the pocket rule.
It got me again.
I hate it so.
I wish we could do something, but it is a rule.
Oh, man.
This must be the terrible thing that the fortune teller was talking about.
Relax.
I'll split the prize with you 50-50.
You're gonna give me 50 bucks? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
He needs a partner for the couples costume contest.
How do you know he said that? I'm fluent in Frankenstein.
Okay, well, tell him I'm Marie Antoinette, not the bride of Frankenstein.
He said close enough.
Wha wha I was wrong.
This is the terrible thing.
- Howdy.
- Trick-or-treat.
Well, aren't you a couple of cute cowboys.
Why, thank you kindly, ma'am.
Grab yourself some candy.
Don't be shy.
Trick-or-treat.
Oh, my, you're a tall one.
Thank you.
I mean Thank you.
Trick-or-treat.
Ooh, you're ghosts.
And you have such a lovely floral pattern.
And you cut holes in that? Ooh, you better take some extra candy.
Trick-or-treat.
Who are you two supposed to be? I'm the backwards clothes boy.
I am "out of ideas" kid.
Oh, well, that just makes me sad.
Why don't you take a lot of candy? Lindy? Linds? Linds? Good evening.
What are you doing? Just resting my eyes.
Are you okay? Your face is really pale.
I feel fine.
Like I could live forever.
Okay.
Very funny.
Just because I thought you were a vampire, you're trying to scare me.
I would never do that.
You're one of my closest friends.
Shall we start the movie? Okay.
But first, let me get a snack.
Oh, wait.
There's something delicious right here.
Let me out! Don't go.
Stay for a bite.
- I already ate.
- I haven't.
Gotcha! Halloween prank in your face.
I, uh knew all along.
No, you didn't.
You thought I was a vampire.
I did not.
Oh, really? Then, uh why do you have a wooden stake in your purse? I joined the whittling club.
Okay, I thought you were a vampire.
Were you really gonna drive a stake through my heart? Only because I love you.
If you were a zombie, I would've shot you in the brain.
That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Stop that! Aunt Betty, look at all this candy.
You have got to be kidding me.
How many houses did you go to? Pretty much just one.
The lady was gonna give us more, but she ran out of candy.
So she started giving us stuff from the yard.
I got a garden gnome, and a hummingbird feeder.
I didn't even want them, I just couldn't stop taking stuff.
There's no way you two are gonna eat all this candy.
Sounds like a challenge to me.
Oh, no.
We're going to donate it to the children's hospital.
There are kids over there who couldn't go trick-or-treating tonight.
Wouldn't you feel better if your selfish efforts turned into something positive? Aunt Betty, you've never given me any life lessons before.
Why start now? I'm just as surprised as you are.
Well, you can make Kevin give away his candy, but we're not related.
You're right.
I can't tell you what to do.
You have to decide for yourself what's right.
Greedy, greedy pig boy.
Greedy? Just 'cause I took candy from an old lady and won't give it to sick kids? Boy, that doesn't sound good, does it? And this is Logan after we switched costumes.
Future reference, ladies sit with their knees together.
Who are you dancing with? Oh, that's my husband, Frankenstein.
Not much of a talker, but very light on his feet.
Let me show you guys one from our Halloween.
We got a great shot with Vlad, the blood drive guy.
Jazz thought he was a vampire.
I was just playing along.
Okay, here it is.
Wait a minute.
Why isn't he in the picture? That's weird.
He was standing right next to me.
Linds, vampires don't appear in pictures.
That means oh, wait, this is the picture Vlad was in.
Who's the big lemon on the highway? Oh, Trish sent us that one.
That's Dez running south on I-95.
He's their Logan.
Dad!