I Love Lucy (1951) s01e16 Episode Script

(music) (theme music playing) (theme music ending) Ricky! Ricky! LUCY: He isn't home yet.
(whines:) Oh! And what is this, Ethel? It's the third time today you've been up here asking for Ricky.
Well, Fred and I want to talk to him about his ad in Variety.
Ethel Ad in Variety? Uh-huh.
See you later, Lucy.
We got to go.
Ethel, what is it? Come on, Ethel.
Ethel, tell me.
Come on! Ethel! Wait a minute! One of you let go or I'm going to have a split personality.
All right, Ethel, let's have it.
Well? Well, as long as you've opened your big bazoo you might as well tell her the whole thing.
All right.
You see, it's this way.
We saw Ricky's ad in Variety.
Ricky's ad? What's it for? He's looking for new acts for his show down at the club.
I didn't see that.
Where's our Variety? Here it is.
It's inside the back page, I think.
Oh.
(gasps) How do you like that? He cut it out.
He told me there was a recipe in here he wanted to save.
He's a slick one, all right.
He'd do anything to keep you from going in show business.
Yeah, well, what kind of acts does Tricky Ricky need? Well, he needs a dance team.
That's where Fred and I come in.
Yeah, anywhere where I come in? Well, he needs a good dog act.
Well, thanks a lot.
Fred Mertz! And the ad said he needed a beautiful showgirl, too.
That's me! Sure.
Hey, looks like there's a spot for all of us in his show.
Yeah.
And this time, we're not going to let him talk us out of it No.
Not for one minute.
Hi, everybody.
(all humming tunes) What's going on here? We're answering your recipe in Variety.
Oh, so that's it, huh? Yeah.
(Lucy humming) Yeah, that's it.
Give us a chance to show you our routine, will you, Rick? Come on, you might you might like it if you give us a chance to show it to you.
(all clamoring) LUCY: Ricky! (clamoring continuing) Thanks for coming down, folks.
And don't call us, we'll call you.
(knocking/door buzzer buzzing) LUCY: Ricky, you open this door! I'm sorry, but the casting office is closed for the day.
Ricky Ricardo, you open this door! (buzzing/pounding continuing) Who wants to come in- two dancers and a showgirl or the Mertzes and my wife? (buzzing/pounding stops) Well, you better make up your mind.
Who is going to be? (all humming) Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it! FRED: What? Now, wait a minute.
Now, Ricky, before you say no, take a good look at us.
Look at the Mertzes; they're wonderful dancers.
The least you could do is give them an audition.
Tah-dah! All right, all right, they can come down and audition but you're not going to get any more consideration than anyone else.
Oh, fine, Ricky.
Good enough.
All right.
Now that that's all settled how about a little game of cards, eh? Well, Ricky, what about me? Oh, you can play, too.
No, no, I mean you're giving Fred and Ethel their chance.
Haven't you got a place for me in the show? Why, sure, honey.
I got just the place for you.
Where? Out front, in the audience.
Oh, you.
Ricky, I think you're being mean.
If you keep Lucy from doing what she wants to do she'll develop some sort of a complex.
Yeah.
She might become depressed.
Yeah.
She might even go off her trolley.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you, Dr.
Mertz.
Now, what is it going to be- bridge or canasta? Oh, Ricky, you make me so mad.
Now, we're going to have this out right now.
You're never going to let me be in your show, are you? Never! Never! Never! Now, honey, don't be so upset.
Who knows? Maybe some day in the far, distant future you may get your chance.
Where? In that big nightclub up yonder? I can see it now- Ricky Ricardo and his Heavenly Revue starring Lucy and her magic harp.
Good morning, Lucy.
Hi.
Pour yourself a cup of coffee.
Thanks, I will.
Why don't you sit down? Don't mind if I do.
Help yourself to a cookie.
No, thanks, I'm not hungry.
What are you reading? Listen, do you remember last night when you told Ricky that if I didn't get into show business I might develop some sort of a complex? Yeah.
Well, you were right.
Yeah? I got this book at the library and it says anybody who is constantly frustrated may do all sorts of things.
So? So, look.
Abnormal Psychology.
Yeah, I'm learning to act abnormal.
For this, you need a book? I thought you were on my side.
I am, but I was just making all that stuff up as I went along last night.
I don't really know anything about it.
Oh, yes, you do.
Listen to this.
"A person who is kept "may manifest this frustration "in the following ways: "One, he may assume the characteristics of the person he is kept from becoming.
" Now, you know Ricky's kept me from becoming a famous actress.
Uh-huh.
"Two, he may develop amnesia.
" Uh-huh.
"Three, he may withdraw from reality and become childlike again.
" Gee, what a keen bunch of complexes.
Which one of them are you going to have? Which one? I'm going to have all three of them.
All three of them? Certainly.
Well, this, I got to see.
Lucy! I'm home! (husky voice:) Hello, darling.
Hello.
How'd things go at rehearsal, darling? Fine.
How'd things go here at home? Oh, frightful, darling.
The phone woke me at the crack of noon.
Noel called.
We chatted till 1:00, I bathed till turned down scripts until 3:00.
Then Noel darling sent me the most darling present.
Oh, yes, it was a darling Cadillac.
You should really see it, darling, it's darling.
What is this? What's what, darling? Why don't you cut it out and be yourself, huh? I'd be happy to be myself if I could remember who I am.
Who am I? Who are you? Well, don't you know either, buster? Buster? What kind of a gag is this? Now, Lucy, what are you trying to do? (with Southern drawl:) Lucy is that my name? Well, it was when I left here this morning.
Oh, do you live here, too? I have for the past five years.
Oh, we better get married.
We are married.
Ha! You say that, but how do I know that it's true? Honey, what are you talking about? You stay away from me, fresh.
Fresh? I was told never to talk to strange men.
My mother told me whoever she is.
Honey, are you sure you're well? No, I'm not.
Could it possibly be that you're suffering from magnesia? Amnesia! Oh, who am I? What am I? Where am I? Oh, honey Look, honey.
Look around you.
Doesn't this place look familiar to you? No.
Oh! No.
Oh, honey, now, come on, try to think.
Honey, look Oh, oh, honey, come here.
Where? Look.
Look there.
Look.
Do you remember this picture? I gave it to you.
Oh, she's pretty.
Who is she? Honey, I think you're really sick.
May-May-Maybe you better go and lie down, huh? All right, I'll go lie down.
Yeah.
Tha-That's not the bedroom, dear.
Oh.
That's not, either.
Oh.
No, honey, over Honey, over here.
That's where the bedroom is.
Oh.
Right here, honey.
Oh.
Now, you take it easy, honey.
You have a very lovely apartment here, mister.
Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.
Hello.
Hello, is Dr.
Stevenson in? Oh.
Well, look, please-please tell him to call me as soon as he gets in.
Oh, this is Ricky Ricardo.
Yes.
It's about my wife.
She's acting peculiar.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Well, this time it's even worse.
What? Oh, I see.
I should humor her until-until the doctor calls me.
All right, all right, I'll humor her.
Yes.
Bye.
(childlike voice:) Hi! Hi! (tricycle bell ringing) You want to play with me, little boy? Will you? Huh? Huh? Huh? Yeah, sure, sure, I'll play with you.
Take a lick of my sucker.
Go on.
Take a big lick.
Go on.
That's enough.
(squealing gleefully) You want to play games, little boy? Sure, yeah, I'll play a game with you.
Okay, I'll be the leader.
You stay where you are.
You want to play "May I?" Yeah, whatever you say.
All right.
Okay, you stay right there, now.
I won't, no.
Don't you go away.
Okay, you take two giant steps.
All right.
May I? No! I want you to take me for a ride.
All right.
On my tricycle.
Now, wait a minute On my tricycle! On my tricycle! (groans loudly) All right.
All right, on the tricycle.
All right.
I'll take you.
I'll take you.
On the tricycle.
All right.
On the tricycle, I'll take you for a ride.
Whee! Whee! Ring the bell! Ring the bell! Ring the bell! Toot the horn! Toot the horn! Toot the horn! All right! No eyes! No eyes! Toot the horn! Toot the horn! (blathering) All right! All right! (grunting) (wailing) You pushed me! (crying continuing) (clucking tongue) Hi, Rick.
Hello, Fred.
How's Lucy? Does she still think she's a child? Yeah.
She's in the bedroom with Ethel.
They're playing jacks.
Ricky, I got to tell you something.
Not now, Fred.
Not now; later, please.
Lucy is faking.
Look, Fred, we'll talk about it later.
The most important thing right now is her heal What do you mean, she's faking? I was downstairs in the basement listening through the furnace pipe and I heard everything that Lucy and Ethel said.
Well, why didn't you tell me before? It took me an hour to get my head out of the pipe.
Why, that little monkey.
She'll do anything to get in the act, won't she? Looks like.
Oh, brother, I got a wonderful idea.
I'm going to teach her a lesson she will never forget.
Are you phoning the doctor? No.
(chuckles) I'm phoning an actor friend of mine, Hal March.
(phone rings) Hello.
RICKY: Hello, Hal? Who's this, Ricky? Yeah, this is Ricky.
Listen, Hal, I got a job for you- the part of a doctor.
Good.
What's the show? Well, the show is called, uh "Getting Even with Lucy" and it all takes place right here in my apartment.
What? Yes, here's the way it goes.
Lucy's been pretending that she's sick so that I'd feel sorry for her and give her a part in my new show.
So I want you to come over here and pretend that you're a doctor, see? And while you're giving her a checkup you will discover that she has a very unusual condition.
Uh some rare tropical disease.
(chuckling) Like what? I don't know.
Make it up.
(laughing) Be tough to keep a straight face.
It's an awful dirty trick, Ricky.
Yeah, I know.
Like they say in Mexico "Mi amigo, alla va el zorrillo.
" What's that mean? I'm a real stinker.
What comes after twosies? Threesies.
Oh, yeah.
(laughs) I'd forgotten how much fun this was.
(chuckles) (knocking at door) Yes? RICKY: May I come in? Oh, yes.
How do you feel, little girl? Oh, she's not at all well.
She has a terrible fever.
I feel fine, mister.
I'm playing jacks.
Oh, Ethel, it's all my fault.
I wish she would snap out of it.
You know, I just decided to star her in the club.
Ricky, that's wonderful.
Wow, what do you know?! She got her memory back.
Oh, yes, I know who I am.
I'm Lucy, and you're Ricky.
Ethel! Welcome home, honey.
Well, when do we start rehearsal? Now, wait a minute, honey.
Wait a minute.
You know, you've been very sick.
So I asked a doctor to come over.
A doctor? But I feel fine.
Oh, no, no, no, never mind that.
But I feel fine.
Doctor! Come in, doctor.
This is my wife Lucy, doctor.
How do you do, Mrs.
Ricardo? I feel fine.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, would you remove this, please? I- I won't need that.
Excuse me.
(clearing throat) (humming) Well, now Oh oh I'm glad you called me in, Mr.
Ricardo.
Pretty bad, huh? Oh, yes.
Now, if you'll just open your mouth, Mrs.
Ricardo and stick out your tongue.
Say, "Ah.
" Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
What is it, doctor? I don't know yet.
Is it very bad, doctor? We'll have to see.
Well, I feel fine.
Yeah, well, I'm Please, please, Mrs.
Ricardo, don't talk.
You may need all your strength.
Just hold that right there.
Now, if you'll just turn around and give me a little cough, Mrs.
Ricardo.
A little cough? (coughs) Louder.
(coughs) Louder.
(coughing repeatedly) Now, Mrs.
Ricardo if you'll just give me one good cough.
(coughs loudly) Hmm, just as I feared.
Oh Well, what is it? You can tell me; I can take it.
Frankly, Mrs.
Ricardo you've contracted a terrible, terrible attack of the go-bloots.
Go-bloots? Doctor, what kind of a disease is that? Well, we doctors don't know too much about it but there's a terrible epidemic of it lately.
It seems it seems it came into the country on the hind legs of the booshoo bird.
I got the go-bloots from a booshoo bird? Ew Tell me, doctor, is it very, very serious? Well, Mr.
Ricardo I may as well be honest with you.
If it gets worse, we may have to operate.
Operate? Yes, we'll have to go in and take out your zorch.
My zorch?! There's nothing wrong with my zorch.
Now, now, don't be alarmed, Mrs.
Ricardo.
Some people go on for years without a zorch.
Well, is the operation painful? No, no, we anesthetize thoroughly for a zorchectomy.
Well, tell me, doctor, uh would you be forced to remove the entire zorch? Well, Mr.
Ricardo, we may be very fortunate and save half and as I always say half a zorch is better than none.
(others chuckling) Of course, even if I'm able to save half you'll never be able to trummel again.
I won't? Oh What's trummeling? Well, it's an involuntary internal process.
Oh.
Doctor, is there anything we can do for her? All we can do is just wait.
She should reach the crisis very soon.
Just wait and hope that she doesn't turn green.
Green! Yes, yes, green.
That's the danger sign.
Well, what happens then? If you turn green, a half hour later (snaps) gone.
Gone? Gone.
(wailing) Deal me out, boys.
How's the patient? Did the patient got rid of the go-bloots? I'm afraid not, Fred.
She just turned green.
Now, don't be silly.
There's no such thing as go-bloots.
(chuckling) Thanks.
I know, I know but there's such a thing as a green light bulb.
You didn't Yes, I did.
Oh, you rascal, you.
(laughing) I sneaked in there when she was asleep and I put a green light bulb in the lamp by her bed.
Well, how did you keep Ethel from finding out? I sent Florence Nightingale to the drugstore for some aspirin.
Oh, good.
Now, listen, when she comes back you better get her to bed.
Why? Well, she told me that she's starting to feel some pains in her zorch, too.
Oh, no, no.
LUCY: Ricky! Ricky! Ricky! Come on, the fun is about to begin.
Ricky! I'm coming! I'm coming! Ricky What's the matter, honey? My hands, they're green.
Why, they are.
Your face is green, too.
Oh, no! Give me the mirror, give me the mirror.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, my face! And my hair! Oh Ricky Oh! Oh! You got the go-bloots, too.
What are you talking about? You're both green.
We are? No, Fred.
She doesn't know what she's saying.
Fred, do I look green to you? No.
You don't look green to me, either.
Oh, no.
I'm looking at the world through green-colored eyeballs.
ETHEL: Lucy, here's your pill.
Take one of these, and you'll (screeches) You're green.
I've been sick.
Oh you poor little green thing.
Oh, this is it, Ricky.
This is it, I'm going.
Good-bye, Ethel.
Good-bye.
Good-bye, Fred.
So long, chum.
Good-bye, Ricky.
Now, wait a minute, honey.
Don't go yet.
Why not? Well, I asked some of the boys in the band to come over here and play a farewell dirge for you.
What'd he say? Some of the boys in the band came over to play a farewell dirge.
Oh.
Well, I'll try to hang on.
I wouldn't want them to have made the trip for nothing.
Good girl, good girl.
All right, fellas! Fellas! Come in.
All right, fellows.
Now, please, this is the last music that she will ever hear.
So make it sweet.
(strumming quiet intro) (playing loud Dixieland tune) (music) What kind of music was that? Yeah, watch it, will you, fellas? I'm dying.
Lucy, I have something to tell you, honey.
What? There's no such thing as the go-bloots.
How can you look me in my green eye and say that? Well, honey, you're not green either.
Show her, Fred.
All right.
A green light bulb? (chuckling): Yeah.
Then you mean I'm not really sick at all? No, honey, you're perfectly well.
You were just pretending all the time, you big bum.
Now, wait a minute.
Remember, you pretended first, you know.
This makes us igual Pascual.
What does that mean? That's "even Steven" in Spanish.
(laughing) Come here.
I guess you're right, honey.
Mmm (Lucy chuckles) (laughing) Well, when do we start rehearsing? Rehearsing? You said I could be the star of the show.
Now, wait a minute, honey.
I only said Ricky, you promised me.
You said I could be the star of the show.
I didn't force you to say it, you know.
Now, Ricky, you made me a promise and What's the matter? Ricky? Ricky, what's the matter? Ricky! Who am I? What am I? Where am I? Oh, I give up, I give up.
You win.
(both laughing) (theme music playing) ANNOUNCER: The part of Hal March was played by Hal March.
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