I Love Lucy (1951) s04e07 Episode Script

Ricky's Screen Test

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) You are going to learn to sing and dance and act, and then when Daddy takes us out to Hollywood, we're going to be a big star, too, just like Jackie Coogan, huh, honey? Now, first you have to learn how to dance.
Now, you watch Mama.
Hey, watch me, watch me.
Come on now, watch.
First you're gonna learn how to dance.
Now watch.
Da, da, da, da, da, ta, ta, ta Da, da, da, da, da, da Da, da, da, da, da, ta, ta, ta! Now, come on, you try it, huh? You try it.
Oh, just try.
(mutters) Come on now, try.
Da, da, ta, da, ta Da, da, ta, da, ta Da, da, ta, da, ta Oh, come on, honey, just try to dance, huh? You won't dance, huh? Well, dancing isn't so important.
It's the acting that counts, huh? Let's try the different emotions, shall we? Now, first, sadness.
You are sad.
You are so sad.
(imitates little Ricky fussing) You lost your lollipop.
That's good, that's good.
Yeah, that's good.
You won't dance, though, huh? (fussing) I don't understand it, Ricky.
Both your parents are so talented.
Well, hey, wait a minute.
Maybe if you put on a funny hat, you'll go into your stuff, huh? Oh, come on, honey.
Okay.
You want to go out and play with Mrs.
Trumbull? All right! Okay, honey.
Well, yeah, you'll find your place in show business, huh? Yeah.
Well, we'd love to come to your party, Marge, if we're still in town.
Oh, haven't you heard? Yeah, Ricky's going to Hollywood and be a big movie star.
Lucy Yeah, yeah.
They're giving him a screen test this week, and then he's gonna sign the contract, and California, here we come! (laughs) Well, sure, you can visit us, Marge.
Sure! Well, we'll talk to you before we leave.
Bye! Honey, why do you keep telling people that we're going to Hollywood when you know it's not definite yet? Well, it will be.
Now, look, the screen test might not be any good.
Aah! And even if it is, I still might not get the part.
Oh! And then, and then ev-even if I get the part, there're still a lot of things that can happen to keep me from being a Hollywood star.
Now, look, you're just being negative.
I believe in positive thinking.
You're going to take Hollywood by storm.
Well, look, ju-just forget the whole thing, will you? If it happens, all right, but until then, let's not count on it.
All right, dear, anything you say.
Good.
Where do you think we ought to live? Hollywood or Beverly Hills? I was merely asking.
Well, this is hardly the time that we have to decide that.
Yeah, you're right, it doesn't matter where we live.
The important thing is to find someone that can build us a swimming pool shaped like a conga drum.
Hi! Hi.
Hi, Ethel.
Did you bring your bathing suit? Huh? Lucy just invited us all to go for a swim in our pool.
Oh, is she still entertaining in her Beverly Hills mansion? Go, ahead, laugh.
You two have no vision.
I can see us out there in Hollywood now, dining in famous restaurants, rubbing elbows with movie stars, Ricky putting his footprints in the cement in the forecourt at Grauman's Chinese Theatre.
She's been out in that California sun too long.
Gee, it'll be such fun dropping into Romanoff's or the Derby and seeing all the old gang.
Hi, Bing! Oh, Luella, darling! (affected laugh) LUCY: Oh, Hedda, I adore that hat! Hi! Hi! I brought back the butter I borrowed.
Thank you.
Come here! I want to show you something I found in this movie magazine.
What? A map of Hollywood showing where the.
all the stars live and guess what.
What? There's a vacant lot right next to Clark Gable's.
Lucy, I haven't got time for this.
All right, but when you come to visit us, I won't let you borrow butter from Clark.
Where's the lot? Right here.
Now, look, all the stars live in this section, see, and that's where we're gonna have to live, too, honey.
Oh, Lucy! Do you really think you're gonna get to go? I have no doubt of it! We were meant for Hollywood, Ethel.
It's sort of, sort of our destiny.
Yeah.
Hey, maybe Clark will let Ricky ride to the studio with him every morning.
Oh, honey, movie stars don't ride to work with other movie stars.
They don't? No.
we'll get our own big, yellow Cadillac convertible.
Oh, pardon me! Alan Ladd lives right here.
Yeah.
Alan Ladd! Hey, look, look! Ricky made front page in Variety! No kidding! Yeah.
"Ricky Ricardo, local nightclub entertainer, "is testing for the lead in Don Juan.
"Studio heads revealed today "that the Latin American conga beater seems to have the inside track for the role.
" What did I tell you? We're as good as in Hollywood right now.
"The studio is earmarking $3 million "for the budget for the star-studded color spectacle.
" Color! $3 million! Maybe we'll have two Cadillacs marked "his" and "hers.
" "The studio plans to select a newcomer like Ricardo "for the lead and build him into a star.
He will be surrounded by big-name performers.
" Oh, isn't that wonderful! "Being considered for top female roles around him "are Marilyn Monroe, Ava Gardner, Jane Russell, Yvonne DeCarlo, Lana Turner, Arlene Dahl, Betty Grable" Oh, boy! What a lineup! I say! Hey! Hey, did you read Variety? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They say I got a pretty good chance.
And what a cast! Nothing but cuties and beauties! Yeah, I know.
They say I got the inside track! ETHEL: Oh, Ricky, this is so exciting! RICKY: Y-You know, for the, for the first time, I-I'm beginning to feel like Lucy does, you know, that we're really destined to go to Hollywood! Yeah! Yeah! Honey, I think that your instincts are very good! Yeah, well, uh, Ricky Yeah, honey? You know, you, uh, you have a very steady following here in New York.
Do you think it's wise to give up a sure thing for the uncertainty of a film career? Huh? Lucy, I thought you were dying to go to Hollywood and rub elbows with the stars.
Yeah.
Well, it's an awful lot of wear and tear on your elbows.
What about me putting my footprints in Grauman's Chinese Theatre? Get your shoes all covered with wet cement? Nah.
What about living next door to Clark Gable? Now, don't tell me that's bad.
Well, Ethel, look at it this way.
Suppose you do borrow butter from Clark.
What good will it do you? He'll give you one look and it'll melt right in your hand.
I don't get it, Lucy, why the big switch? Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I think I know.
Would this change of heart have anything to do with, uh Marilyn, Ava, Jane, Yvonne, Arlene and Betty? Certainly not! And you left out Lana.
I thought so.
The green-eyed monster.
Oh, Lucy, the paper said they were just considering those girls.
Yeah, well.
In other words, you just as soon I didn't get the part, huh? Well frankly, yes.
Oh, Lucy, how small can you be?! Well, I just can't help it! Well, honey, if you really feel that way, then it's no use going through with the screen test.
Lucy, you're not gonna let him give up his big chance? Of course she isn't! Aah! I'll call Mr.
Benjamin and I'll tell him that I'm not interested in going through with the screen test and neither are you.
Well, I think that's better, Ricky.
I I think that that's the only What do you mean, neither am I? What do you mean, neither am I?! Well, I Well, no use telling you now.
Tell me what, tell me what, tell me what! Well, it's just that the girl that was supposed to do the test with me got sick, and Mr.
Benjamin asked if I knew somebody who could take her place.
So what'd you tell him? What'd you tell him? I told him you've been reading the part with me and you knew it cold and he said you'd be fine.
He did? Yeah, but if you don't want me to do it, I'll call him Honey, wait just a minute now.
Wait just a minute now.
Let's, let's not be rash.
A-After all, dear, this-this is your big chance to go to Hollywood.
No, honey, I think you're right.
After all, I got a steady following and a sure thing right here in New York.
Yeah, well, th-that's just it.
You're in a rut, a big fat rut! An-And I think what you need is the, is the, is the, th-the challenge of-of an unknown field.
The next sound you hear will be Clark Gable opening his refrigerator.
Now, honey, I want you to be absolutely sure because the only thing that is important is where we'll be the happiest.
Oh, honey, how can there be any doubt of it? Who wouldn't love to go to Hollywood? Dining in famous restaurants, mingling with celebrities and don't you worry, dear, I'll wipe that cement off your shoes before it dries.
(doorbell buzzing) (doorbell buzzing) Ethel, will you answer that door? I'm busy.
Busy? Doing what? Reading.
Oh, honestly! What are you made up for, Lucy? Oh, darn it! You recognized me! What is this, trick or treat? How'd you know who it was? Well, for one thing, I've seen that old link stole every winter for the last eight years.
Oh, dear.
Well, if I hadn't worn this, would you have known who it was? Of course! What are you trying to prove? Well, I was just practicing.
You know, us movie stars have to go around disguised or our fans will mob us.
(chuckling) Why, if it isn't Lucy Ricardo.
Gee, can I have your autograph? Oh, Fred, don't be smart.
Who's being smart? I want it on a check for this month's rent.
You'll get your money, my good man.
Us movie stars always pay our bills.
ETHEL: Hey, wait a minute.
I thought Ricky was gonna be the star.
Oh, he'll be one, too, don't worry.
Too? Yeah.
I was just thinking.
Do you know what's liable to happen with that screen test? What? I'm afraid to ask.
Well, now, it just might happen sort of like this.
We make the test here in New York.
They send it out to the coast.
They show it at the studio.
My face comes on the screen just for an instant, but that's enough.
The head of the studio sees it.
He jumps up and shouts: "That face! That face! Get me that girl!" "Sir, she's an unknown, a nobody.
" "I don't care; find her.
"Get that girl! I want to make her a star!" And the rest is motion picture history.
Ethel, that girl could be a second John Bunny.
Hi.
Oh, hi, Rick.
Oh, there you are.
I came home early; I want to go over that scene that What's all that? That's Lucy's disguise so her fans won't know she's a star.
Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.
You know, Fred, I married a bird.
(chuckling): Yes.
She's just supposed to help me out in this screen test and she's already a big movie star.
Well, don't hold your breath, honey.
Apparently, you're not up on your motion picture history.
What are you talking about? Well, the way I hear it Come on, dear, let's go do that scene.
Just a minute, please.
Come back here.
What are you talking about, Fred? Well, the way I hear it, the head of the studio sees your test, discovers Lucy, he demands to know her name and a new star is born! (chuckling) So, that's the way it's gonna happen, huh? I didn't say it would happen; I said it might.
Well, it could happen.
Better not happen? Look, Lucy, there are a few things that you ought to know.
First of all, this test is for me.
You're just there to feed me the lines.
Nobody's going to see any more than the back of your head.
Now, I'm going to go home and get into some comfortable clothes and I'll 'spect you there in five minutes to go over that scene.
Huh! (door opening) (door slamming) "I'll "spect" you there in five minutes to go over that scene.
" "You're just there to 'fid' me the lines.
" "No one's going to see anything but the back of your head.
" Huh! That's what he thinks! Lucy, what are you going to do? I don't know, but the back of my head isn't going to take this lying down! (whistling) Yes? Now, Ricky Ricky, we'll shoot the song part of the test first.
Okay.
Are the guitar players close enough for balance? I think so, yes.
All right, I'm ready.
(shouting): Quiet on the set! This is a take! (quietly): It's all yours, sir.
Roll 'em.
(shouting): Roll 'em! Speed! MAN: Ricardo's song, take one! Action.
(playing ballad intro) Bajo el manto plateado de un sombrero Cordobes Unos ojos van brindando la ternura de un querer Unas guitarras morunas dejan sus notas sonar Y unos ojos aojarenos que fascinan al mirar ALL: Ah-ah, ah-ah Ah-ah, ah-ah Canta, canta guitarra Canta guitarra mia Canta, guitarra agarena Canta guitarra bravia ALL: Canta, canta guitarra Canta guitarra mia Canta mi guitarra siempre Que en tus besos tomo mi vida ALL: Ah, ah, ah Ah, ah, ah Canta, canta guitarra Canta guitarra mia Canta guitarra agarena Canta guitarra bravia ALL: Canta, canta guitarra Canta guitarra mia Canta mi guitarra siempre Que en tu boca tomo mi vida, ole! Cut! (applause) Print that.
Print it, the first take.
Ricky, perfect.
Now we'll do the scene.
All right, thank you, boys.
Thank you very much.
All right, get Mrs.
Ricardo.
Yes, sir.
Now, Ricky, when you kneel down at the end of the scene, you know, make a more dramatic wave with the hand when you say, "So, I'm afraid that we must say farewell," and then make your exit.
Oh, I see.
Okay.
Uh, Mrs.
Ricardo.
Oh, oh, is that the camera? Yes.
Mrs.
Ricardo Yes, sir.
We'll rehearse it once more before we shoot.
Action.
Hark! Do I hear a footfall? Is that you, Don Juan? Yes, it is I, oh, lovely one.
Would that I had the power to tell you what is in my heart tonight.
What do you mean, my dearest? I have come to say farewell.
No, say not so.
Would that I could ask you to fly with me, but I know that you're devoted to your husband, Count Lorenzo.
Yes.
Much as I love you, I must stay with him.
He is old and feeble and he needs me.
But for him, I would sweep you into my arms and carry you over yon garden wall.
Oh, that I could cut these ties that bind me.
Do not cry, my dearest.
It was not meant to be.
I had no right to win your heart.
I had no chance to win your love.
So, now I'm afraid I must say farewell.
Cut! That's fine, Ricky, fine.
Good feeling.
Thank you.
How was I, sir? Very good, Mrs.
Ricardo.
Thank you.
Oh, Ricky, now, be careful so that your wife doesn't get in your way in front of the camera.
Just take a step to one side.
All right.
Well, I think we're about ready for a take.
Now, let's see if we can't get this the first time, everybody.
Now, may I have it quiet, please? (shouting): Quiet on the set! This is a take! (quietly): It's, uh, all yours, sir.
Uh, Mrs.
Ricardo.
Roll 'em.
(shouting): Roll 'em! Speed! Ricardo test, take one! (screaming) What was that?! Cut! What was that?! That's just what we have to do at the beginning of a scene.
Oh.
Now Now, please, Mrs.
Ricardo.
Now, uh change the slate.
All right, I'm ready.
(shouting): Quiet on the set! This is a take! (quietly): It's all yours, sir.
Roll 'em! Roll 'em.
Speed! Ricardo test, take two! (slate bangs) DIRECTOR: Action! Hark! Do I hear a footfall? Is that you, Don Juan? Yes, it is I, oh, lovely one.
Would that I had the power to tell you what is in my heart tonight.
What do you mean, my dearest? I have come to say farewell.
No, say not so.
Cut! Lucy, what's the matter with you? DIRECTOR: Mrs.
Ricardo Yes, sir? Is that as far as your head turns? Yes.
Why? What a pity.
I thought it might lend interest to the scene if you could keep it going around and around like a lighthouse! Oh (laughs) I don't recall telling you to look over your shoulder.
Oh, no, sir, that was my own idea.
Did you like it? No! Oh.
Now, let's just do this the way we rehearsed it.
Yes, sir.
Let me check this setup again.
Lucy, what are you trying to do? Well, I was just thinking, the back of my head is not my best side.
That's only one person's opinion! All right, now, places, everybody! All right, I'm ready.
(shouting): Quiet on the set! This is a take! (quietly): Yes, sir.
Roll 'em.
Roll 'em! Speed! Ricardo test, take three! DIRECTOR: Action! Hark! Do I hear a footfall? Is that you, Don Juan? Yes, it is I, oh, lovely one.
Would that I had the power to tell you what is in my heart tonight.
What do you mean, my dearest? Would that I could ask you to fly with me.
But I-I know that you're devoted to your husband, Count Lorenzo.
But for him, I would sweep you into my arms and carry you over yon garden wall.
Oh, that I could cut these ties that bind me! Cut!! Well, we can't use the scene, but it was a lovely mazurka! I'm sorry, sir.
My wife doesn't seem to understand.
Well, I hope she catches on this time because this is going to be the last take! Why, you running out of film? No.
No, we're running out of chalk! Oh.
Now shall we do it for the last time? Look, I'm sorry, sir.
You want to get another girl? You expect me to go around looking for another girl with a whole crew sitting around here getting paid! No, no, no, sir, no.
No, we should put a three-inch lens on, then we'll take it with that! Now, this is the test that's going to Hollywood.
Yeah, well, I-I-I got, I got an idea that this time it's going to be right! All right.
Now, this is it, good, bad or indifferent! (shouting): Roll 'em! Roll 'em, I said! Oh.
Roll 'em.
Roll 'em! Speed! Ricardo test, take four.
DIRECTOR: Action! Hark! Do I hear a footfall? Is that you, Don Juan? Yes, it is I, oh, lovely one.
Would that I had the power to tell you what is in my heart tonight.
What do you mean, my dearest? I have come to say farewell.
No no, say not so.
I am sorry, my dear, but this is the way it has to be! Would that I could ask you to fly with me, but I know that you're devoted to your husband, your husband, Count Lorenzo.
Yes, much as I love you, I must stay with him.
He is old and feeble, and he needs me.
But for him, I would carry you over yon garden wall and lift you over the wall.
Oh, that I could cut these ties that bind me.
Do not cry, my dearest.
It was not meant to be.
I had no right to win your heart.
I had no chance to win your love.
So, now I must say farewell! DIRECTOR: Cut! Okay.
Okay, that's it.
What do you mean, that's it? You're not gonna send that to Hollywood? Don't worry, I had a close-up lens on you.
All we ever saw was your face.
Didn't see your wife at all.
RICKY: You sure it was all right? Sure, it'll be fine.
Okay, everybody, that's it, wrap it up.
You hungry, Ricky? Yeah.
Put on your pants and I'll buy you some lunch, come on.
Okay.
Well, hey, wait for me! Wait for me, Mr.
Director Man! Uh, Ricky Ricky, it was only a joke! A big joke, Ricky! (laughing) (wailing) ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: The part of the director was played by Mr.
Clinton Sundberg.
The assistant director was Ray Kellogg.
The stick man was Alan Ray, and the boom man was Louis Nicoletti.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.