Idiotsitter (2014) s02e04 Episode Script

We could either go to Portland or Joshua Tree but either way, I know we'll be unhappy.
Um, um, um, what's happening? Mannequin challenge.
- That's so old.
- Yeah, like last year.
Okay, come on, guys! Just do it, all right? It's for my Insta.
@genemannequinchallengemachine.
Follow a friend? I don't have Instagram.
Or friends.
Yeah, who needs friends? They're so stupid to hang out with.
Damn it! I coughed.
Oh, you're gonna do it for me! Oh! Oh! Oh! - Oh! Oh! - Score! - Calamity! - [PRINCIPAL.]
Double hanger.
So, my ex-wife and I are going to Sandals Resort for Spring Break.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
Ooh, ooh, can you hear that? I hear a romance being rekindled! Ah, no, no, no, no, unlike some people we have a strict "no touch" policy.
Oh kay.
So everyone knows that I slept-walked into Dana's bed last night? It was an accident.
I'm going to see Adele at Madison Square Garden with Pamela.
Oh! I apologized and I am trimming his bonsai tree over Spring Break, so we're good.
So, you're gonna stay here during Spring Break? Yes, uh yeah.
Oh, I would love it if someone I knew, like you could get my mail while I'm gone.
My desk geraniums could really use some love.
You know, I could also use some assistance with someone keeping an eye on my frogs, so they don't croak! Classic frog comedy! No, I would I would love to help out.
I think it would be a great opportunity to show you guys that I'm a pretty swell person.
Well, I just can't stress enough how much my geraniums mean to me.
The last person who took care of them nearly killed them which nearly killed me.
- Okay, well - So Well, I would love to help out with the chores.
Maybe as payment, you know, we could all hang out and forget about the whole "Dana" thing.
- Hm? - [BILLIE.]
Or not.
- I mean, you know - Hm - Or not, we'll see, we'll see.
- Yeah.
[PRINCIPAL.]
I don't think that's gonna happen.
[BILLIE.]
Oh, either way.
[PAMELA.]
Let's see how you do with the geranium.
Oh, let me give you a hand.
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) Hello? W-T-[BLEEP.]
? Where is everybody? Polo! Okay, how to humidify the piano.
"Tip the humidifier to 90 degrees.
" Add another eight degrees and you'll have my favorite boy band.
Who am I talking to, okay? GENE: Day one, Planet Earth.
I'm the lone survivor of the apocalypse.
I always said, it'll be me and the rats.
Therefore, Mission one: find the rats, take my throne.
Hey, Dad! Oh Dad, you moved! Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, honey, I was just, you know I was gettin' tired of standing still.
Hello! Wait a minute, oh my gosh, you're real! Yes, I am real.
Dad wait, how? All right, I can answer that.
I feel like I'm your conscience here to help you through whatever it is you need help getting through to.
- Aw, that's cool! - Yeah.
- Well, just a head's up - Uh-huh.
Everyone's dead.
No, everyone is not dead.
It is Spring Break! Check your instant-grand thing.
- Oh, yeah, everybody left.
- Mm-hm.
That's cool.
I don't really care or whatever.
I think maybe you do.
- Nah, I don't care.
- No? I'll just hang here and be the Rat Queen.
Oh, honey, you know you can't be the queen of the rats - Oh, I like that better.
- if people still exist.
[BLEEP.]
I know you're right.
Ah you should probably check that out.
- Check what out? - Right over there.
Yeah, what is that? I'm no good.
Let's play music, baby! You scared me half to death, Gene.
How long have you been standing there? I don't like boy bands.
Everybody likes boy bands.
My favorite is Nsync Kids on the Block.
I love Donnie Timberlake.
Why are you even still here? I thought you of all people would be on Spring Break.
Yeah, totally, totally - Are you watering a piano? - I am, how did you know that? - I'm rich.
- Oh, right, yeah.
- Oh - What is that? No, that's just my phone alarm alerting me of my next chore I have to do.
Sorry, still just a little freaked out.
For a hot second, I thought the world was done-zo.
What did you say about boring chores or something like that? (HEAVY BREATHING) Not so much "chores" as like "cool favors" that my "faculty friends", as I like to call them asked me to do while they're on vacation.
So it's pretty pretty fresh.
- Do you want to come with me? - Yeah, sure! I mean, I could do stuff until I leave for Spring Break.
Why not? Head out soon, Spring Break plans and stuff.
Yeah, no, I get it.
- Can't stick around forever.
- Yeah.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) What was that? Did you just take a picture of me? That was not me.
Okay, yeah, uh, let's go, maybe? - Yeah.
- We got a ton of chores to do.
I feel very overwhelmed right now with chores.
They're more like cool favors.
I didn't realize maintenance was just moistening things.
All right, the food would be - Oh god, oh, no.
- What? Ooh, I can't feed a live creature to another live creature.
I had a snake once and then I didn't.
I can't even bring myself to do that and I'm Gene.
I'll just I'll do it later.
It'll be easier when I can mentally prepare.
Oh, my gosh, look, they're totally frog friends.
- Oh, yeah.
- They're like hanging out - practically holding hands.
- Yeah.
- "Hey, Brenda.
" - "Hey, Veronica.
" "Hey, do you want to be my friend and spring break it out?" "Oh, yeah, hey, do you think I'm like a cool professor "that didn't molest her roommate?" "Ah, you're a great pro-frog-sor.
" - Toadally.
- Toad-ally.
Wait, what did you do to your roommate? Let's just get back to the job.
Hey, guess what? Spring Break wet t-shirt contest! Oh! Okay.
Okay, that's enough! Looks like I have a gland problem.
Oh yeah.
Okay what's next? Dana.
- Okay, so back to my place.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) - Was that you? - I mean, maybe.
I never lock my phone and sometimes I do find pocket pics.
Lock your phone just lock your phone.
All right, it's like, the nagging all the time.
- Just do it, and then I won't - I will! - But first, Spring Break tag! - Ow! Oh, you almost got me.
Psych! - I'm not gonna tag you.
- Okay, game paused.
It's a good round, though.
Bring it.
Don't you just love a miniature? This must be what Shaq feels like.
Why are you helping everyone out again? Like don't you hate Dana, or something? He may have misinterpreted something I did not on purpose.
Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
I mean, not to me, but Besides, there's nothing wrong with wanting people to like you.
Yeah, I don't relate to that.
So uh, where's your booze? I want to keep the party going, you know what I mean? Ooh, peppermint lotion.
Peppermint schnapps.
Dude's a real Peppermint Patty, huh? This fluid stuff is funny, laugh, you know? Hah-hah, ho-ho Spring Break laugh.
Spring Break body shot! - Wha Agh! - Oh - Dammit! - Billie, you zoinked that tree.
You made me zoink the tree! Well, maybe because I'm trying to have a party and all I'm getting is wind city and zoinkin' chores.
Look, if you want to go on spring break then just go and do it with your "school homies", okay? I don't have any school hom What? I don't have any school homies.
What are you talking about? I didn't even know it was Spring Break! Just no one invited me, 'cause I don't have any real friends.
And I just remembered that I hate the taste of peppermint! Hey, Dad.
Hey, honey, come on now, let's wipe those tears.
No.
Yeah, these are hundreds, it's good for you.
Dad, I'm not crying, because I never cry.
No, of course not you don't cry.
Hey, I never noticed your statue before.
Yeah, right, they just erected me.
TMI, Dad.
Want to walk and talk? - Yeah, okay.
- Okay.
Yeah, I hear you, but, honey, you've never had any trouble making friends before, did ya', Genie? No, when people are smart.
All right, does everyone know that you're wealthy? Well, no, I mean, I haven't really been telling anyone.
I'm just seeing if they like me for me.
That's the stupidest thing I ever heard! - Really, you think? - Yeah, I think! No, you tell them who you are, all right? Then you'll have so many friends you won't know what to do with them.
Okay.
I think, uh I think you already have a friend, don't you? - I don't think so.
- Hm.
Well, then, Spring Break tag! It is a thing! - There you are.
- Oh, my gosh.
Now you scared me half to death.
Even? - Stevens.
I love that show.
- Yeah.
Shia La Beouf.
- Hey, I was thinkin' - Even at a young age, he was No, what were you gonna say? - Uh, he was good.
- Talented.
Better, I'd I'd say.
I'm sorry I blew up at you.
I don't even really remember it.
But I was thinking, like, it wouldn't suck to do some Spring Break stuff.
For serious? Yeah, I mean, we have the whole place to ourselves! - Echo.
- Spr Spring Break! Spring Break break break - Spring Break! - Spring Break! - Spring Break.
- Spring Break! Spring Break! - Spring Break.
- Spring Break! Is that your Dad? Oh, yeah, uh, he's an erection.
(HEAVY BREATHING) Billie, come on.
- [BILLIE.]
Okay, wait for it.
- Come on.
Wait for it.
(MUSIC PLAYING) [BILLIE.]
Oh okay, it's fine.
Hey! - Reset.
- Come on! Are you ready for Spring Break! Spring Break, Spring Break! Daytona Beach! - Basketball.
- Basketball? Sports, sports beach sports, water sports.
Oh, shake 'em up, shake 'em up, Cocktail, Tom Cruise! Shake 'em up, shake 'em up.
Knock-knock, who's there? Knock-knock, who's there? Coconuts! Shake it up two times! Shake it up! You're not much as I thought it was supposed to Whoa! Foam party! Surf's up, whoa! Ooh, gotta stay on the board! My boogey board! Whoa! Rip curl! Whoa! Wipeout! Stop.
I never thought I would say this but can we not drink and can we do your chores? What is happening to you, Gene? (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Agh! Oh, guys, I'm sorry.
Richie, why are you taking pictures of us? Probably for his tug time.
I'm not taking pics of you guys.
I'm using my Spring Break to photograph the theater for the school newspaper.
What? And I don't masturbate.
Never got into it.
The [BLEEP.]
? Bye.
He is the definition of an enigma! It's way too loud! Remember that band Enigma? - No, I don't know what that is.
- Okay.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Richie? Is that you? (HEAVY BREATHING) Let's get out Let's get out of here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why are you taking that? I wasn't.
Okay, let's just um Let's just feed the frogs and get out of here, okay? Yeah, I'm cool with that.
- All right.
- This place is weird.
Yeah.
Okay, this should be easy.
I'm not scared at all.
- Billie, you okay? - Yeah, I just Because you're shaking a lot.
I think I just, um You know what? How about a beer to calm your nerves, huh? - Yes, yeah, okay, yes and okay.
- All right, okay, yeah! - There she is.
- Oh you know what, wait, hang on! Let's add a little Spring Break to this.
- Let's put the fun in funnel! - Oh, the science of Spring Break.
Spring Break spigot! Okay, I've never actually done this.
No, it doesn't burn at all.
- Okay, you ready? - All right, okay, ready.
(MUSIC PLAYING) - Oh - Agh! - Oh! Oh! Ooh! - Ooh! - Oh, my god, oh, my god! - Oh, no! Oh, god! - Gene, do something! - Oh, Jiminy Crickets! - Gene, do something! - I'm on it! I'll get the beer.
I'll get the beer! - I'll get the funnel! - Okay.
- I'll put it in the sink! - Yeah, it's foaming - It's everywhere! - Okay.
- They're all over the place! - All right! I can get some of the - No! - Spring Break dinner! - What? - What did you just do? - Where did they go? - What's wrong? They both jumped.
Okay, split up and find them! - Split up and find them! - Okay! Okay.
- Okay! Okay! - Okay.
(SPLAT) Was it - Oh, it's a cricket.
- It's just a cricket.
- It's a cricket, okay.
- It's a cricket.
Well, that's still sad.
- No, it's fine.
- It's not a frog, though.
- Look for the frog! - It's not a frog! - Look for the Step - Okay.
Step lively.
Brenda? Veronica? This isn't funny! Frog-damn it! Have you seen two frogs? Uh, let's see, they went they went that'a way.
No, they went there, they went there.
- I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
- Dad.
I've been a statue, I don't know.
You don't mind, do you? - No.
- Mm! Mm! That is refreshing.
I've gotta find them, Billie's gonna kill me.
- Oh, see now? That's who it is! - Who who is? Your friend, my little owl.
The one you've been having the best Spring Break ever with.
- What? - Oh, come on.
I've seen you guys.
Getting stalked by the paparazzi and doing, you know, body shots, basically having a blast! [BILLIE.]
Gene, are you focusing on moist and dark corners? - I gotta go, Dad.
- Go have fun.
Here, frogs! Here What the Whoa, I just realized how creepy my entrance was! - Yeah, it was! - Wasn't it? - Yes.
- Sorry about that.
What are all these pictures? [BILLIE.]
I don't know [GENE.]
Is that what we look like? Who cares? Someone's taking pictures of - Bitches.
- What? S'rude.
Why did you take all those pictures of us? Probably for his stroke session.
I was documenting your shoddy work.
Oh.
I don't know.
- I don't do that.
- Do what? - Stroke.
- Oh.
Why does no one masturbate here? - Who cares? - Well, it's a concern.
Shut up.
For three years, I was the "Spring Break King".
The empty campus was my kingdom.
I was given tasks to do.
Tasks which you're both doo-doo at.
Why does he say tasks weird? I want my job back.
I want my $40.
- They paid you? - 40 American dollars.
And when I show them how bad you were at it I think they might half double it.
How much carry the two.
I will pay you double now, if you don't blab about this and you help us find the frogs, please! Okay, wait, time-out on that plan.
Uh, 'cause they're not even paying you, Billie! Billie! Billie I know you.
"I didn't molest my roommate, I was just sleep walking!" I was! How do you know all this? Look, I'll pay you $400 if you fix all of this and stop following us.
And also stop staring at me, it's very intense.
Make it an even $500 or I will say that she "got into bed with me, too.
" And I will add sexy details.
Like what? - Mouth stuff.
- Deal.
Billie? Billie? Look, I want to be clear on one thing.
- Okay, you get the money.
- Yeah.
But the title Spring Break King, that goes to me, babe.
No.
Actually, I like Queen of the Rats, I'll keep that.
'Cause I am the Spring Break King! I'm the Spring Break King! I appreciate you bailing me out but you know that blackmail is not okay, right? Totally.
I like, totally knew that.
So do you want me to not pay him or? Nah, we'll let it slide this one time, hm? Okay? Spring Break! - Let it slide just this once.
- Yeah, for - Spring Break! - Spring Break! Hey, why don't you fill my ears with a little Spring Break song on the old piano? - No, I'm not good enough to play.
- What are you talking about? I heard you yesterday, you're a regular Picasso.
Nah, I couldn't.
I want you to play my song, Johnny.
That's a cocktail.
Oh, okay.
- Oh, there she is! Come on, Dame! - Oh, oh - Ah - Play my tune! - How about this one? - (FROG RIBBITS) (SPLAT) Okay where should I start? Here.
I'll bet you're thirsty.
Oh, god! Maybe we should um, leave campus for a while? Like go to the movies or? Oh, yeah, I love the movies.
- That's great.
- Okay, great.
[BLEEP.]
shit [BLEEP.]
sucking [BLEEP.]
[BLEEP.]
! Shit [BLEEP.]
[BLEEP.]
- [BILLIE.]
Take a train! - [GENE.]
Train!