I'm Sorry (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
Ass Cubes
1 So, for the brunch on Sunday.
It's going to be you guys, a few aunts and uncles, your dad, - your brother - You invited Dad? Yeah, I was chatting with him on the phone the other day.
It just seemed weird not to include him.
Why would it be weird now? You've been divorced for over 30 years.
- Well, he just broke up with Padma - Right, right, right.
So honestly I think he's a little lonely.
What does your current husband Leon think about all that? Oh, Leon's not gonna care.
Leon might care.
- [screams.]
- [gasps.]
Jesus! What the [bleep.]
? What is happening? Is that Is that guy stealing chicken? I don't know they seem to have it handled.
- Really? - Um, do you think for the brunch - 11 or 11:30? - Mom, do you not see what's happening? Oh, it's not that big a deal.
Okay, you know what, there's a man who just apparently just stole a hot, oily roast chicken, who was jumped on from behind and then thrown forcibly onto the concrete.
I think I'm allowed to comment on it.
Here we go.
"Here we go"? Seriously? Excuse me, do you know where the bathroom is? Is that woman just ignoring that poor blind guy? People are garbage.
Excuse me.
She's a garbage person.
I don't know if you heard me, I'm looking for the bathroom.
Hi, you know what? - I can help you.
- Oh, great.
- Do you want me to grab your arm? - Yes, thank you very much.
Of course, it's not a problem at all.
Well, well, well.
You must feel pretty good about yourself.
Oh, you mean because I just helped a blind man find a bathroom? Yeah, I feel pretty good.
- Hey.
- Hi.
We'll just have two lattes and you got, like, a blueberry muffin? Yeah.
Great.
Nine dollars - There you go.
- Thank you.
- Actually, this is for you, Amy.
- Thank you.
- Buy yourself something nice.
- You're welcome.
- Thanks.
- Thanks, Amy.
So that's what we're doing now? We're taking my $11 basically to pay her for flirting with you? - It's like prostitution.
- Hey, if it ain't broke, right? Oh, prostitution is not broke? No, it's centuries old, millennia, even.
Just because something's old does not mean it's not broken.
I don't know, do you have a way of fixing prostitution? Pitch it to me.
You know what, at least you're not looking to land a lady, - so we're good.
- Yes, I am.
I'm not talking about having sex with a lady, I'm talking about, like, you know, settle down with one.
People may bang aggressive toe exposure, but they're not gonna marry it.
You know I want to meet someone and fall in love and have kids all of that stuff.
I've told you that before.
I, I know that you say that, but I feel like all of your choices in life - fight against that goal.
- Like what? You sleep until noon almost every day.
You cut up hot dogs and put them on your salad.
It's a protein.
How's that any different than putting chicken or salmon on your salad? - It's so different! - It's paleo! Well, you recognize porn strictly from the audio track.
Yeah, that's not rare, plenty of people can do that.
These are just a couple of examples of the things that maybe were cute and quirky in your 20's, but now are more red flags.
I respectfully disagree.
People find it charming.
I don't think adult women find you as charming as you think they do.
And it pains me to say this, obviously.
I find you very charming.
Oh, well, thank you for finding me charming.
Who are you looking at? Oh, just to know who's here.
Look I know you, you're a great friend, you're hilarious, you're cute.
But as a friend, I will tell you that women have to get through quite a lot to get to that.
But, worth it, right? Hi-ho! Knock-knock, who's there, what? Basically I'm saying is you're living "The Shawshank Redemption".
But the reality is most people don't want to crawl through a tunnel of shit to get to Mexico.
What does that even mean? Listen, your heart is like Zihuantanejo, but your personality and exterior are like the shit tunnel a woman has to go through to get there.
Wow, okay, that's like, maybe the meanest thing - you've ever said to me.
- Oh, that can't be true.
But going with this metaphor, which is kind of crushing it, jail, for this woman, is just regular life.
She's got free will so it's not nearly as bad for her as it was for Andy Dufresne, so Why? Because she's not being forced to do tax returns and getting gang raped by the sisters in the shower? Exactly.
She can leave at any time.
She can walk out and just jump on a plane and go to Cabo instead.
Cabo obviously being any other dude.
Yeah, but everybody knows Cabo's [bleep.]
lame, and Zihuantanejo, pretty rad all the time.
I'm just not convinced that you're really ready to settle down.
- Okay, but I'm telling you I am.
- Okay.
I want to meet someone.
Okay, good, but you're not getting any younger, your sperm's not getting any younger, so we got to lock it down before the "poo tunnel" gets so long that nobody can actually survive the treacherous landscape.
Who's Morgan Freeman in this situation? I'm Morgan Freeman, I'm leading you to your happiness and I just led a blind man to the bathroom.
[sighing.]
The part I can't wrap my head around is was it an impulse steal or could he legitimately not afford to buy a chicken? My instinct is it's an impulse steal.
Right? Me too, I mean, he was wearing a leather jacket.
I won't even splurge on a leather jacket.
Well, maybe we shouldn't be spending so much money on chicken.
Maybe we should be stealing it so we can afford a sweet leather "J".
Hey, do we know any single ladies? She says apropos of nothing.
- Sorry any ladies for Kyle? - Ladies of the night? No, I mean, I had a very interesting h-to-h with him today.
Heart-to-heart.
I think he's actually ready to meet someone of note.
Really? - Kyle.
- I get the skepticism.
I told him I love him, but he's getting weird and I worry about his little crusty sperm.
I'll come back.
Wait, just it's not his, it's a friend's old, crusty sperm.
Does that make it better? Now she can't put a face to the sperm.
Okay, do we know any single people? What about Shelly? - Who's Shelly? - Miss Shelly, Amelia's teacher.
I never thought of her as a "Shelly".
I know it's a bold choice, but I thought that I really think this could work.
She's super cute and she's really nice, but not boring nice.
She's got a good sense of humor and her body is tight! Please don't ever do that again.
- Tight! - Are you done? [softly.]
Tight.
- She's, like an - Tight.
angel from heaven above.
I hear you, I mean, especially with Kyle's crazy-long "shit tunnel".
We might need to get the check.
Listen, if he's really ready to meet someone, we should introduce him to someone we really like.
Okay, we'll give it a try.
All right, I'll put the feelers out.
Wouldn't those be my feelers? These would be your feelers, because you like to touch balls.
- Just yours.
- Yeah, they appreciate the attention, and also, maybe use a little bit more thumb.
You know what, the more I think about it - What? - I think it was planned.
Eighty degrees out today why wear a leather jacket? I have never been more attracted to you.
[indistinct conversations.]
- Hey, honey.
- Dad! Hi! - How are you? - I'm good.
You look so nice.
Oh, thank you.
Are you riding your motorcycle again? - I've always ridden a motorcycle.
- No, you've always had a motorcycle.
But most of its life it's been spending time with the NordicTrack in your garage.
They're very close.
- No, it hasn't been that long.
- Oh, yeah, it has.
And I wanted to tell you, I heard that you and Padma broke up.
I'm sure this has absolutely nothing to do with you deciding to get on a motorcycle again, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry.
- Padma.
- Mm-hmm.
Do you want to put your helmet down, stay a while? - I don't see anyplace to put it.
- Literally any flat surface.
I'll just hang onto it, I'd feel better.
Mm-hmm.
Dad, you think you look pretty cool holding that? - Uh, I've been told.
- Okay, great.
Where's your mother? Uh, she's in the kitchen with Leon, I think.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Oh, hi, Martin.
- Hey.
- How are you? - Good, and you? He's riding the motorcycle again? - Yeah.
- Sorry about that.
Well, the good news is in a couple of months, when he runs himself off the road, we'll at least get the vacation home we wanted.
You know, when parents die they leave you money.
- Oh, right.
- I don't know if it's gonna be a home.
It might be like a vacation couch.
That would be nice, right? We'll get the motorcycle.
- [Bleep.]
you.
- That'd be fun.
[general conversations.]
If Tilda Swinton is in it, I'm there.
How's it feel to throw out a sentence that's never been uttered by another human being before? You know what's an underrated movie? - "Coneheads".
- "Coneheads".
Oh, yes, that's right.
You mentioned that before, Uncle Richard, yet again.
But just listen the reason why Tilda is so great "Tilda"? First name base? You never actually really know if it's her in the movie or not.
So how do you even know you're enjoying her? I'm enjoying an actor losing herself into a character.
- I mean, look - "Lose"? "Grand Budapest Hotel," "Trainwreck" I mean, she completely unrecognizable.
Wait a minute am I in love with Tilda Swinton? Is Tilda Swinton at this brunch? David, am I Tilda Swinton? Be honest.
You can tell me, don't keep it a secret any longer.
You're the only person who I know is not Tilda Swinton.
- How dare you.
- She could be Amelia, she's so good.
- Really? - Yeah.
Tilda Swinton maybe came out of my vagines? Um is my dad touching our mother right now? Technically, when one body part presses up against another body part, that is considered touching.
Is it that hard to just say yes or no? Are they touching? Yes.
Oh, sure, hey, you want to sit here? Oh, no, no, I'm fine, Michael.
- How about right here? - Oh, stop it, Martin.
Actually, Amelia, you can sit with me, I'll sit next to Grampy.
Grammy can just sit over here.
Oh, thank you, that's nice.
Well, I was gonna switch Ooh, you know what, why don't you go find your cousin, Bugsy? I want you to try something because it is absolutely amazing.
Dad, she made it, she knows what it tastes like.
But this is a very special bite.
Okay.
[laughs.]
That was good.
Well, now, Mom, you're bragging.
Shar, we ran out of bagels.
Oh, come on.
You ran out of bagels? You ran out of bagels? Uncle Richard had an extra half.
Leon, this is what happens when you buy one bagel per person.
It should be more than enough.
I probably have some wheat bread or something I can put out, I don't know.
This is ridiculous.
Why can't you just buy enough bagels? Does Leon look sick to you? - No, why? - No reason.
Oh, hey, good news my dad apparently wants to make love with my mom again, so - I thought your mom was married.
- Yeah, happily.
I think my dad is just hoping Leon is close to death.
- Is Leon sick? - Nope.
This is just my dad's new move.
He, like, harmlessly flirts with a woman, then he circles the wagons, waits until there's a moment of need in this case, Leon's untimely death and then [whispers.]
there's Martin.
So smart, he's gonna get such puss.
- Yeah, my mom's puss? - Yeah.
You know what, my parents are doing weird shit too.
Like, my dad has started racecar driving.
- Oh.
- But then he has macular degeneration.
That dude's dying ASAP.
Speaking of decrepit old men who are close to death, how did your date with Miss Shelly go? I assume by your silence it means you shit the bed.
No, the opposite.
It was great, we had a great time.
- Really? - Yeah, I really like her.
Ah, well, well, well.
You know, I don't know why, I had a feeling you guys were gonna hit it off.
I think I just, I just know people.
Really? Because people here do not like what you're doing.
You didn't do anything to destroy our daughter's future, did you? That's a valid question, actually, I'd like to hear the answer.
- No, we had a great night.
- Hey.
Yeah, we went out to dinner, we had drinks.
She invited me back to her place.
She asked me to put ice cubes up her butt and lick them out.
I drove home, I'm gonna see her again next weekend.
Sorry what? - Hmm? - Yeah, I'm gonna need you to just walk me through the "She asked me to put ice cubes up her butt" part again.
Oh I thought I just did.
How is it that we always end up talking about buttholes at this poker game? Because we have the best poker game.
I have to be honest.
I really like Miss Shelly.
- She's smart, she's funny.
- Right, yes! She's cool.
I guess the only weird thing is she ordered a six dollar bottle of water to drink at dinner, but was perfectly fine with the ice cubes I drank out of her ass being tap.
"Ass cubes".
- No.
- Yeah, ass cubes, it's a solid - It's definitely ass cubes.
- How can you make jokes about this? This woman, we have to trust her judgment with our daughter every day.
How are you going to do drop-off and watch Amelia walk into the arms of this woman, knowing what we know? - Mike, come on.
- This guy ate ice out of her butt.
So just because someone put ice up their butt you don't trust their judgment? We have to assume she's been putting ice up her butt for years and she's been a great teacher, she's not going to change that now.
If you're young and hot and you live in LA, you're shoving ice up your butt or more.
Come on.
I genuinely don't have a problem with it.
Neither do I.
I mean, if I'm really going to be honest, I think I'm a little jealous of Miss Shelly.
- What? - At 25 she knew to even ask to put ice up her butt.
- When I was 25 - No, she didn't ask, she ordered.
See? I mean, I'm a grown woman, and I don't even know if I like ice up my butt.
How sad is that? Do you want to try that? I'd like to know the answer to that as well.
I want to be the person who says yes, but no, I don't like a chill.
Mike, I can tell you're nervous, but you don't need to be.
Like, I'm very into this girl, but seriously.
This is the most I've ever heard you say that before.
By the way, I found you your dream girl, you're welcome.
You did! I thank you, I truly thank you.
This is I'm, like, excited to see her again.
Like, I want to talk to her again, I want to Ooh have kids with this person.
Wow.
Don't act like you don't want kids, - you do want kids.
- I'm kidding.
No, no, no, I do this is the first person I can genuinely see myself having kids with.
- Listen, we knew after one date, right? - Yeah.
I mean, you could be with Miss Shelly forever.
Can we please just call her Shelly? [kids playing.]
Doesn't Daddy usually drop off on Wednesdays? Yeah, he just wanted to give Mommy an extra turn.
I'll meet you over there, I'm going to drop this off.
Hey I don't mean to interrupt, but I heard the date went very well.
Yeah, uh We need to have a really serious conversation about what you think of me as a person that you would set me up with him.
- What? - He was terrible! Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
He made is sound like you guys had a really nice night.
[laughing.]
I'm kidding! Oh, my God! - Okay.
- I'm kidding.
It was great, it was so great.
- We had a wonderful time.
- Good! He was such a gentleman.
Well, I don't want to blow his inevitably not-remotely-cool cover, but he also said that he had a very good time.
What did he say? Oh, um, he didn't even you know, I'm not even remembering as much.
Just that you guys had gone to dinner and it was fun.
Did he tell you about the Chinese restaurant? - No.
- Oh, my gosh, it was amazing.
- It was super authentic.
- Of course it was authentic.
Kyle's such a dick about that stuff.
You know, he insists on watching all foreign films He does not speak any other language.
Well, he got me to eat duck intestine.
I want to be you when I grow up.
Well, no, that's nothing.
Kyle ate live octopus.
Well, that makes sense.
Kyle will put anything in his mouth.
- Hmm.
- Well, here's the toilet paper rolls you had asked the class to bring in.
- Oh, oh, oh.
- Sorry we didn't have a ton at home.
Oh, that's fine, I have so many of them.
We go through them like crazy at my house.
Mm-hmm.
Mom, you don't think it's alarming that Dad was aggressively flirting with you at your brunch? Oh, he wasn't flirting.
- Uh, yeah, he was.
- Yeah, he was.
- Flirting, really? - Even Mike saw it.
With me? Oh, ew, ew, ew, "with me?" Giggle, giggle, giggle.
Oh, just a little bit.
You know I've known your father for a very long time.
So have I I don't flirt with him.
Well, he's one of my oldest friends, and you know Your oldest friend who you had to take to court to get his home phone number? - I don't remember that.
- Ugh.
Anyway, it's good to have options.
"Options"? What does that mean? Well, Leon's not going to be around forever, right? Mom, is Leon ill? Because I feel like this is coming up a lot.
No, no, he's fine.
Amelia, Grammy's got cookies.
Do you have hugs? Mom, you sound like a pedophile.
[Sharon.]
Ready or not, here I come.
- And even more like a pedophile.
- [phone chimes.]
Wow.
Ooh, mama! Ooh, ooh, ooh, mama! Looks like Kyle and Miss Shelly had another hootsie-tootsie date.
- No - Yeah, I think he's managed to maybe spruce up his shit tunnel.
I think it's more like he spruced up hers.
What? How did I not think that? That is I should be kicked out of comedy.
Oof, that's embarrassing.
If only it was just a joke.
All right, you're going to have to get over your anal discrimination because we're going on a double date with them this Saturday.
There's no way.
Why would you even do that? Because Kyle is one of my best friends and he's finally found someone and I want to support him.
I can't sit across from her for a whole meal.
You can't sit across from Miss Shelly just because she throws a couple of ice cubes up her butt? So, Miss Shelly, where are you from originally? Oh, please, just call me Shelly.
I don't think I can.
We're basically from the same part of New Jersey.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- I didn't know that, seriously? - Yeah.
Exit 9B, exit 13.
Yep, trash, trash.
Oh, I killed a guy at exit 13.
- Oh, boy.
- Just kidding, no, I didn't.
I mean, it was more of a bludgeoning but eventually he died, so - How long have you been here for? - Are you proud of that? - Do you like that? - I think You're gonna cover it with, "How long have you been here for"? 'Cause that was rough.
Listen, it's a workshop.
Ooh, I just realized, I'm getting a message.
- Your Lyft is here.
- Ooh.
You should just go outside and get to any car with a pink moustache or any car that's a man with a moustache who's driving.
- Okay, to answer your question.
- Thank you.
I've been here for four years.
I got here, I didn't really have a plan, I did know jack shit and then Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, you're parents, I shouldn't have cursed in front of parents.
Oh, please, I swear constantly.
Oh, yeah, no, Shelly is just like you except, like, a much, much, much younger version of you.
So she also finds you repulsive.
But lucky for him I like repulsive.
Probably happened when my father was bludgeoned off Exit 13.
- Uh-oh.
- That's a comeback.
- Mm-hmm.
- Appreciate it.
- You know what she did? - And enjoyed it.
She just made a good joke out of your bad joke from earlier.
- Foccach? - Oh, thank you, sir.
Wow, look at you, so chivalrous.
You're like Hugh Jackman.
- Hugh Jackman? - Yeah.
I don't know, I just think he's probably very respectful of a woman.
- I can see that.
- Right? But I think of anything, I'm actually more like Wolverine.
I was born head to toe covered in hair.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, I have a picture.
Great.
I'm going to the bathroom.
When I get back, I would love to have those locked and loaded.
I'll come with you, I'll show you in the bathroom.
Show me in the bathroom.
Okay, well, Mike and I will just hang out here.
- All right.
- Please hurry back.
We're gonna kill this foccach.
- Don't call it "foccach".
- Foccach! - Am I right? - Yeah, you bet.
I'm doing this thing now where whenever I pee, right, I make myself stop peeing right in the middle, and then I go again, stop, go again, stop.
Do you ever do that? Nope.
I mean, but do you think he got burned by the chicken? Oh, yeah.
And I have to imagine there was no way not to.
I mean, I do get the instinct, though.
Once I smuggled out a shrimp cocktail in my bra.
It was really lumpy, everybody thought I had breast cancer.
Ooh, I like that move! You know what, when you're pregnant, just think of all the stuff you'll be able to steal.
You could do, like, a whole rack of lamb and then stick potatoes in a nursing bra.
I wish, but I'm never going to be pregnant, so I guess I'll just have to keep stealing the old fashioned way.
I'm not talking about now, I mean later, when you want a baby.
Oh, no, I never want kids.
What? I mean, I love kids, don't get me wrong.
I just have always known I don't want any of my own.
What about, like, adoption or surrogacy? I get them in eight hour doses a day, that's enough.
Is there any way to go around there? Have you told Kyle yet? God no we just started dating, I'm not going to bring up kids yet.
- That would be crazy.
- Mm-hmm.
Really? I'm I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I can't believe now I'm going to have to break up with a girl who's gorgeous and smart and funny and likes things up her butt.
Ass cubes.
But are you for sure that you want kids? Well, of course I do.
I know 100% I want kids, I want to have a family.
There's only one real silver lining in any of this, I guess, and that's this is 100% your fault.
And as a result I can lord this over you for the rest of our lives, which is actually kind of great for me.
Are you saying I gave you a gift and you should be thanking me? No, it's like you made me a meal and then were like, "Oh, it was poison.
" Or like made you a meal and then was like, "That meal doesn't want babies.
" Seriously, though, are you okay? I'm bummed, for real, I was ready to be done.
Come here.
What? No, what are you we're in the coffee shop.
- So? Just lean into it.
- Stop.
What are you doing? - Just let me shh, shh.
- That's not What are you doing? - What are you doing? - Just be quiet, you're making a scene.
- Get off of me.
- Just shhh It's like a riptide, you gotta Just relax and let nature take its course.
Let me give you my soothing love.
Ooh, wait a minute, okay, I'm in, now I get it.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
- No, let me [laughing.]
- No, I need soothing What? No! You know what? In the beginning I didn't want that hug, but at the end, I really needed it.
- Don't be mad.
- Oh, God.
Okay, so your father picked me up on his motorcycle.
- No, mm-mm.
- Wait - That's not the bad part.
- That's not the bad part? We went to dinner and I assumed it was just as friends, but you were right, he was flirting with me.
Oh, my God, mm-mm, mom, I'm telling you this cannot happen.
You'll be very happy to know it's not going to happen.
I realized that I am not sexually attracted to him.
Okay, I have so many issues with that statement, but I'm going to take it because it serves the greater good.
Okay, but I want you to feel good about my decision.
There's I there's nothing good that I'm feeling from this conversation.
Of course you never know what'll happen, you know, I mean in the future.
It's good to have options.
Options for when Leon dies.
Oh, God forbid.
[Martin.]
Sharon! [whispering.]
Oh, he's coming, he's coming - I got to go, bye.
- Bye.
- Wow! - What was that about? Oh, just my mom no longer finds my dad attractive, but that can change if Leon dies, so, basically we're one heartbeat away from my worst nightmare coming true.
We have to really make sure that Leon's kept healthy.
I'm already planning on harvesting my bone marrow, so I got that in the works.
Mommy, is Grammy and Grampy getting married? Not if there's a God.
Is there a God? Look at you! Back on campus, I'm proud of you.
I'm not getting the play by play.
I think I can get over her sexual proclivities.
Oh, my God, I cannot believe you're still being weird about this.
It's so not a big deal.
Okay, I'll give you a little bit.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi, guys, you're here early today.
Yeah, we have a kindergarten interview, sorry.
That's fine, they're just finishing up their snack.
Okay, we can wait.
Hi, boo.
- Who wants ice in their juice? - Me.
All right.
Here you go And some ice over here.
No ice! Actually, no juice.
But Mommy, I want juice.
You know what, we're going to have juice at home.
Actually, you remember the dentist said we shouldn't have too much juice, so maybe we'll just get, we'll get, like, a soda or something.
You know what? I'll see you tomorrow.
Guys, enjoy your snacks sorry again.
All right, have a good one.
Bye.
Who else wanted ice? Okay.
It's going to be you guys, a few aunts and uncles, your dad, - your brother - You invited Dad? Yeah, I was chatting with him on the phone the other day.
It just seemed weird not to include him.
Why would it be weird now? You've been divorced for over 30 years.
- Well, he just broke up with Padma - Right, right, right.
So honestly I think he's a little lonely.
What does your current husband Leon think about all that? Oh, Leon's not gonna care.
Leon might care.
- [screams.]
- [gasps.]
Jesus! What the [bleep.]
? What is happening? Is that Is that guy stealing chicken? I don't know they seem to have it handled.
- Really? - Um, do you think for the brunch - 11 or 11:30? - Mom, do you not see what's happening? Oh, it's not that big a deal.
Okay, you know what, there's a man who just apparently just stole a hot, oily roast chicken, who was jumped on from behind and then thrown forcibly onto the concrete.
I think I'm allowed to comment on it.
Here we go.
"Here we go"? Seriously? Excuse me, do you know where the bathroom is? Is that woman just ignoring that poor blind guy? People are garbage.
Excuse me.
She's a garbage person.
I don't know if you heard me, I'm looking for the bathroom.
Hi, you know what? - I can help you.
- Oh, great.
- Do you want me to grab your arm? - Yes, thank you very much.
Of course, it's not a problem at all.
Well, well, well.
You must feel pretty good about yourself.
Oh, you mean because I just helped a blind man find a bathroom? Yeah, I feel pretty good.
- Hey.
- Hi.
We'll just have two lattes and you got, like, a blueberry muffin? Yeah.
Great.
Nine dollars - There you go.
- Thank you.
- Actually, this is for you, Amy.
- Thank you.
- Buy yourself something nice.
- You're welcome.
- Thanks.
- Thanks, Amy.
So that's what we're doing now? We're taking my $11 basically to pay her for flirting with you? - It's like prostitution.
- Hey, if it ain't broke, right? Oh, prostitution is not broke? No, it's centuries old, millennia, even.
Just because something's old does not mean it's not broken.
I don't know, do you have a way of fixing prostitution? Pitch it to me.
You know what, at least you're not looking to land a lady, - so we're good.
- Yes, I am.
I'm not talking about having sex with a lady, I'm talking about, like, you know, settle down with one.
People may bang aggressive toe exposure, but they're not gonna marry it.
You know I want to meet someone and fall in love and have kids all of that stuff.
I've told you that before.
I, I know that you say that, but I feel like all of your choices in life - fight against that goal.
- Like what? You sleep until noon almost every day.
You cut up hot dogs and put them on your salad.
It's a protein.
How's that any different than putting chicken or salmon on your salad? - It's so different! - It's paleo! Well, you recognize porn strictly from the audio track.
Yeah, that's not rare, plenty of people can do that.
These are just a couple of examples of the things that maybe were cute and quirky in your 20's, but now are more red flags.
I respectfully disagree.
People find it charming.
I don't think adult women find you as charming as you think they do.
And it pains me to say this, obviously.
I find you very charming.
Oh, well, thank you for finding me charming.
Who are you looking at? Oh, just to know who's here.
Look I know you, you're a great friend, you're hilarious, you're cute.
But as a friend, I will tell you that women have to get through quite a lot to get to that.
But, worth it, right? Hi-ho! Knock-knock, who's there, what? Basically I'm saying is you're living "The Shawshank Redemption".
But the reality is most people don't want to crawl through a tunnel of shit to get to Mexico.
What does that even mean? Listen, your heart is like Zihuantanejo, but your personality and exterior are like the shit tunnel a woman has to go through to get there.
Wow, okay, that's like, maybe the meanest thing - you've ever said to me.
- Oh, that can't be true.
But going with this metaphor, which is kind of crushing it, jail, for this woman, is just regular life.
She's got free will so it's not nearly as bad for her as it was for Andy Dufresne, so Why? Because she's not being forced to do tax returns and getting gang raped by the sisters in the shower? Exactly.
She can leave at any time.
She can walk out and just jump on a plane and go to Cabo instead.
Cabo obviously being any other dude.
Yeah, but everybody knows Cabo's [bleep.]
lame, and Zihuantanejo, pretty rad all the time.
I'm just not convinced that you're really ready to settle down.
- Okay, but I'm telling you I am.
- Okay.
I want to meet someone.
Okay, good, but you're not getting any younger, your sperm's not getting any younger, so we got to lock it down before the "poo tunnel" gets so long that nobody can actually survive the treacherous landscape.
Who's Morgan Freeman in this situation? I'm Morgan Freeman, I'm leading you to your happiness and I just led a blind man to the bathroom.
[sighing.]
The part I can't wrap my head around is was it an impulse steal or could he legitimately not afford to buy a chicken? My instinct is it's an impulse steal.
Right? Me too, I mean, he was wearing a leather jacket.
I won't even splurge on a leather jacket.
Well, maybe we shouldn't be spending so much money on chicken.
Maybe we should be stealing it so we can afford a sweet leather "J".
Hey, do we know any single ladies? She says apropos of nothing.
- Sorry any ladies for Kyle? - Ladies of the night? No, I mean, I had a very interesting h-to-h with him today.
Heart-to-heart.
I think he's actually ready to meet someone of note.
Really? - Kyle.
- I get the skepticism.
I told him I love him, but he's getting weird and I worry about his little crusty sperm.
I'll come back.
Wait, just it's not his, it's a friend's old, crusty sperm.
Does that make it better? Now she can't put a face to the sperm.
Okay, do we know any single people? What about Shelly? - Who's Shelly? - Miss Shelly, Amelia's teacher.
I never thought of her as a "Shelly".
I know it's a bold choice, but I thought that I really think this could work.
She's super cute and she's really nice, but not boring nice.
She's got a good sense of humor and her body is tight! Please don't ever do that again.
- Tight! - Are you done? [softly.]
Tight.
- She's, like an - Tight.
angel from heaven above.
I hear you, I mean, especially with Kyle's crazy-long "shit tunnel".
We might need to get the check.
Listen, if he's really ready to meet someone, we should introduce him to someone we really like.
Okay, we'll give it a try.
All right, I'll put the feelers out.
Wouldn't those be my feelers? These would be your feelers, because you like to touch balls.
- Just yours.
- Yeah, they appreciate the attention, and also, maybe use a little bit more thumb.
You know what, the more I think about it - What? - I think it was planned.
Eighty degrees out today why wear a leather jacket? I have never been more attracted to you.
[indistinct conversations.]
- Hey, honey.
- Dad! Hi! - How are you? - I'm good.
You look so nice.
Oh, thank you.
Are you riding your motorcycle again? - I've always ridden a motorcycle.
- No, you've always had a motorcycle.
But most of its life it's been spending time with the NordicTrack in your garage.
They're very close.
- No, it hasn't been that long.
- Oh, yeah, it has.
And I wanted to tell you, I heard that you and Padma broke up.
I'm sure this has absolutely nothing to do with you deciding to get on a motorcycle again, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry.
- Padma.
- Mm-hmm.
Do you want to put your helmet down, stay a while? - I don't see anyplace to put it.
- Literally any flat surface.
I'll just hang onto it, I'd feel better.
Mm-hmm.
Dad, you think you look pretty cool holding that? - Uh, I've been told.
- Okay, great.
Where's your mother? Uh, she's in the kitchen with Leon, I think.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Oh, hi, Martin.
- Hey.
- How are you? - Good, and you? He's riding the motorcycle again? - Yeah.
- Sorry about that.
Well, the good news is in a couple of months, when he runs himself off the road, we'll at least get the vacation home we wanted.
You know, when parents die they leave you money.
- Oh, right.
- I don't know if it's gonna be a home.
It might be like a vacation couch.
That would be nice, right? We'll get the motorcycle.
- [Bleep.]
you.
- That'd be fun.
[general conversations.]
If Tilda Swinton is in it, I'm there.
How's it feel to throw out a sentence that's never been uttered by another human being before? You know what's an underrated movie? - "Coneheads".
- "Coneheads".
Oh, yes, that's right.
You mentioned that before, Uncle Richard, yet again.
But just listen the reason why Tilda is so great "Tilda"? First name base? You never actually really know if it's her in the movie or not.
So how do you even know you're enjoying her? I'm enjoying an actor losing herself into a character.
- I mean, look - "Lose"? "Grand Budapest Hotel," "Trainwreck" I mean, she completely unrecognizable.
Wait a minute am I in love with Tilda Swinton? Is Tilda Swinton at this brunch? David, am I Tilda Swinton? Be honest.
You can tell me, don't keep it a secret any longer.
You're the only person who I know is not Tilda Swinton.
- How dare you.
- She could be Amelia, she's so good.
- Really? - Yeah.
Tilda Swinton maybe came out of my vagines? Um is my dad touching our mother right now? Technically, when one body part presses up against another body part, that is considered touching.
Is it that hard to just say yes or no? Are they touching? Yes.
Oh, sure, hey, you want to sit here? Oh, no, no, I'm fine, Michael.
- How about right here? - Oh, stop it, Martin.
Actually, Amelia, you can sit with me, I'll sit next to Grampy.
Grammy can just sit over here.
Oh, thank you, that's nice.
Well, I was gonna switch Ooh, you know what, why don't you go find your cousin, Bugsy? I want you to try something because it is absolutely amazing.
Dad, she made it, she knows what it tastes like.
But this is a very special bite.
Okay.
[laughs.]
That was good.
Well, now, Mom, you're bragging.
Shar, we ran out of bagels.
Oh, come on.
You ran out of bagels? You ran out of bagels? Uncle Richard had an extra half.
Leon, this is what happens when you buy one bagel per person.
It should be more than enough.
I probably have some wheat bread or something I can put out, I don't know.
This is ridiculous.
Why can't you just buy enough bagels? Does Leon look sick to you? - No, why? - No reason.
Oh, hey, good news my dad apparently wants to make love with my mom again, so - I thought your mom was married.
- Yeah, happily.
I think my dad is just hoping Leon is close to death.
- Is Leon sick? - Nope.
This is just my dad's new move.
He, like, harmlessly flirts with a woman, then he circles the wagons, waits until there's a moment of need in this case, Leon's untimely death and then [whispers.]
there's Martin.
So smart, he's gonna get such puss.
- Yeah, my mom's puss? - Yeah.
You know what, my parents are doing weird shit too.
Like, my dad has started racecar driving.
- Oh.
- But then he has macular degeneration.
That dude's dying ASAP.
Speaking of decrepit old men who are close to death, how did your date with Miss Shelly go? I assume by your silence it means you shit the bed.
No, the opposite.
It was great, we had a great time.
- Really? - Yeah, I really like her.
Ah, well, well, well.
You know, I don't know why, I had a feeling you guys were gonna hit it off.
I think I just, I just know people.
Really? Because people here do not like what you're doing.
You didn't do anything to destroy our daughter's future, did you? That's a valid question, actually, I'd like to hear the answer.
- No, we had a great night.
- Hey.
Yeah, we went out to dinner, we had drinks.
She invited me back to her place.
She asked me to put ice cubes up her butt and lick them out.
I drove home, I'm gonna see her again next weekend.
Sorry what? - Hmm? - Yeah, I'm gonna need you to just walk me through the "She asked me to put ice cubes up her butt" part again.
Oh I thought I just did.
How is it that we always end up talking about buttholes at this poker game? Because we have the best poker game.
I have to be honest.
I really like Miss Shelly.
- She's smart, she's funny.
- Right, yes! She's cool.
I guess the only weird thing is she ordered a six dollar bottle of water to drink at dinner, but was perfectly fine with the ice cubes I drank out of her ass being tap.
"Ass cubes".
- No.
- Yeah, ass cubes, it's a solid - It's definitely ass cubes.
- How can you make jokes about this? This woman, we have to trust her judgment with our daughter every day.
How are you going to do drop-off and watch Amelia walk into the arms of this woman, knowing what we know? - Mike, come on.
- This guy ate ice out of her butt.
So just because someone put ice up their butt you don't trust their judgment? We have to assume she's been putting ice up her butt for years and she's been a great teacher, she's not going to change that now.
If you're young and hot and you live in LA, you're shoving ice up your butt or more.
Come on.
I genuinely don't have a problem with it.
Neither do I.
I mean, if I'm really going to be honest, I think I'm a little jealous of Miss Shelly.
- What? - At 25 she knew to even ask to put ice up her butt.
- When I was 25 - No, she didn't ask, she ordered.
See? I mean, I'm a grown woman, and I don't even know if I like ice up my butt.
How sad is that? Do you want to try that? I'd like to know the answer to that as well.
I want to be the person who says yes, but no, I don't like a chill.
Mike, I can tell you're nervous, but you don't need to be.
Like, I'm very into this girl, but seriously.
This is the most I've ever heard you say that before.
By the way, I found you your dream girl, you're welcome.
You did! I thank you, I truly thank you.
This is I'm, like, excited to see her again.
Like, I want to talk to her again, I want to Ooh have kids with this person.
Wow.
Don't act like you don't want kids, - you do want kids.
- I'm kidding.
No, no, no, I do this is the first person I can genuinely see myself having kids with.
- Listen, we knew after one date, right? - Yeah.
I mean, you could be with Miss Shelly forever.
Can we please just call her Shelly? [kids playing.]
Doesn't Daddy usually drop off on Wednesdays? Yeah, he just wanted to give Mommy an extra turn.
I'll meet you over there, I'm going to drop this off.
Hey I don't mean to interrupt, but I heard the date went very well.
Yeah, uh We need to have a really serious conversation about what you think of me as a person that you would set me up with him.
- What? - He was terrible! Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
He made is sound like you guys had a really nice night.
[laughing.]
I'm kidding! Oh, my God! - Okay.
- I'm kidding.
It was great, it was so great.
- We had a wonderful time.
- Good! He was such a gentleman.
Well, I don't want to blow his inevitably not-remotely-cool cover, but he also said that he had a very good time.
What did he say? Oh, um, he didn't even you know, I'm not even remembering as much.
Just that you guys had gone to dinner and it was fun.
Did he tell you about the Chinese restaurant? - No.
- Oh, my gosh, it was amazing.
- It was super authentic.
- Of course it was authentic.
Kyle's such a dick about that stuff.
You know, he insists on watching all foreign films He does not speak any other language.
Well, he got me to eat duck intestine.
I want to be you when I grow up.
Well, no, that's nothing.
Kyle ate live octopus.
Well, that makes sense.
Kyle will put anything in his mouth.
- Hmm.
- Well, here's the toilet paper rolls you had asked the class to bring in.
- Oh, oh, oh.
- Sorry we didn't have a ton at home.
Oh, that's fine, I have so many of them.
We go through them like crazy at my house.
Mm-hmm.
Mom, you don't think it's alarming that Dad was aggressively flirting with you at your brunch? Oh, he wasn't flirting.
- Uh, yeah, he was.
- Yeah, he was.
- Flirting, really? - Even Mike saw it.
With me? Oh, ew, ew, ew, "with me?" Giggle, giggle, giggle.
Oh, just a little bit.
You know I've known your father for a very long time.
So have I I don't flirt with him.
Well, he's one of my oldest friends, and you know Your oldest friend who you had to take to court to get his home phone number? - I don't remember that.
- Ugh.
Anyway, it's good to have options.
"Options"? What does that mean? Well, Leon's not going to be around forever, right? Mom, is Leon ill? Because I feel like this is coming up a lot.
No, no, he's fine.
Amelia, Grammy's got cookies.
Do you have hugs? Mom, you sound like a pedophile.
[Sharon.]
Ready or not, here I come.
- And even more like a pedophile.
- [phone chimes.]
Wow.
Ooh, mama! Ooh, ooh, ooh, mama! Looks like Kyle and Miss Shelly had another hootsie-tootsie date.
- No - Yeah, I think he's managed to maybe spruce up his shit tunnel.
I think it's more like he spruced up hers.
What? How did I not think that? That is I should be kicked out of comedy.
Oof, that's embarrassing.
If only it was just a joke.
All right, you're going to have to get over your anal discrimination because we're going on a double date with them this Saturday.
There's no way.
Why would you even do that? Because Kyle is one of my best friends and he's finally found someone and I want to support him.
I can't sit across from her for a whole meal.
You can't sit across from Miss Shelly just because she throws a couple of ice cubes up her butt? So, Miss Shelly, where are you from originally? Oh, please, just call me Shelly.
I don't think I can.
We're basically from the same part of New Jersey.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- I didn't know that, seriously? - Yeah.
Exit 9B, exit 13.
Yep, trash, trash.
Oh, I killed a guy at exit 13.
- Oh, boy.
- Just kidding, no, I didn't.
I mean, it was more of a bludgeoning but eventually he died, so - How long have you been here for? - Are you proud of that? - Do you like that? - I think You're gonna cover it with, "How long have you been here for"? 'Cause that was rough.
Listen, it's a workshop.
Ooh, I just realized, I'm getting a message.
- Your Lyft is here.
- Ooh.
You should just go outside and get to any car with a pink moustache or any car that's a man with a moustache who's driving.
- Okay, to answer your question.
- Thank you.
I've been here for four years.
I got here, I didn't really have a plan, I did know jack shit and then Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, you're parents, I shouldn't have cursed in front of parents.
Oh, please, I swear constantly.
Oh, yeah, no, Shelly is just like you except, like, a much, much, much younger version of you.
So she also finds you repulsive.
But lucky for him I like repulsive.
Probably happened when my father was bludgeoned off Exit 13.
- Uh-oh.
- That's a comeback.
- Mm-hmm.
- Appreciate it.
- You know what she did? - And enjoyed it.
She just made a good joke out of your bad joke from earlier.
- Foccach? - Oh, thank you, sir.
Wow, look at you, so chivalrous.
You're like Hugh Jackman.
- Hugh Jackman? - Yeah.
I don't know, I just think he's probably very respectful of a woman.
- I can see that.
- Right? But I think of anything, I'm actually more like Wolverine.
I was born head to toe covered in hair.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, I have a picture.
Great.
I'm going to the bathroom.
When I get back, I would love to have those locked and loaded.
I'll come with you, I'll show you in the bathroom.
Show me in the bathroom.
Okay, well, Mike and I will just hang out here.
- All right.
- Please hurry back.
We're gonna kill this foccach.
- Don't call it "foccach".
- Foccach! - Am I right? - Yeah, you bet.
I'm doing this thing now where whenever I pee, right, I make myself stop peeing right in the middle, and then I go again, stop, go again, stop.
Do you ever do that? Nope.
I mean, but do you think he got burned by the chicken? Oh, yeah.
And I have to imagine there was no way not to.
I mean, I do get the instinct, though.
Once I smuggled out a shrimp cocktail in my bra.
It was really lumpy, everybody thought I had breast cancer.
Ooh, I like that move! You know what, when you're pregnant, just think of all the stuff you'll be able to steal.
You could do, like, a whole rack of lamb and then stick potatoes in a nursing bra.
I wish, but I'm never going to be pregnant, so I guess I'll just have to keep stealing the old fashioned way.
I'm not talking about now, I mean later, when you want a baby.
Oh, no, I never want kids.
What? I mean, I love kids, don't get me wrong.
I just have always known I don't want any of my own.
What about, like, adoption or surrogacy? I get them in eight hour doses a day, that's enough.
Is there any way to go around there? Have you told Kyle yet? God no we just started dating, I'm not going to bring up kids yet.
- That would be crazy.
- Mm-hmm.
Really? I'm I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I can't believe now I'm going to have to break up with a girl who's gorgeous and smart and funny and likes things up her butt.
Ass cubes.
But are you for sure that you want kids? Well, of course I do.
I know 100% I want kids, I want to have a family.
There's only one real silver lining in any of this, I guess, and that's this is 100% your fault.
And as a result I can lord this over you for the rest of our lives, which is actually kind of great for me.
Are you saying I gave you a gift and you should be thanking me? No, it's like you made me a meal and then were like, "Oh, it was poison.
" Or like made you a meal and then was like, "That meal doesn't want babies.
" Seriously, though, are you okay? I'm bummed, for real, I was ready to be done.
Come here.
What? No, what are you we're in the coffee shop.
- So? Just lean into it.
- Stop.
What are you doing? - Just let me shh, shh.
- That's not What are you doing? - What are you doing? - Just be quiet, you're making a scene.
- Get off of me.
- Just shhh It's like a riptide, you gotta Just relax and let nature take its course.
Let me give you my soothing love.
Ooh, wait a minute, okay, I'm in, now I get it.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
- No, let me [laughing.]
- No, I need soothing What? No! You know what? In the beginning I didn't want that hug, but at the end, I really needed it.
- Don't be mad.
- Oh, God.
Okay, so your father picked me up on his motorcycle.
- No, mm-mm.
- Wait - That's not the bad part.
- That's not the bad part? We went to dinner and I assumed it was just as friends, but you were right, he was flirting with me.
Oh, my God, mm-mm, mom, I'm telling you this cannot happen.
You'll be very happy to know it's not going to happen.
I realized that I am not sexually attracted to him.
Okay, I have so many issues with that statement, but I'm going to take it because it serves the greater good.
Okay, but I want you to feel good about my decision.
There's I there's nothing good that I'm feeling from this conversation.
Of course you never know what'll happen, you know, I mean in the future.
It's good to have options.
Options for when Leon dies.
Oh, God forbid.
[Martin.]
Sharon! [whispering.]
Oh, he's coming, he's coming - I got to go, bye.
- Bye.
- Wow! - What was that about? Oh, just my mom no longer finds my dad attractive, but that can change if Leon dies, so, basically we're one heartbeat away from my worst nightmare coming true.
We have to really make sure that Leon's kept healthy.
I'm already planning on harvesting my bone marrow, so I got that in the works.
Mommy, is Grammy and Grampy getting married? Not if there's a God.
Is there a God? Look at you! Back on campus, I'm proud of you.
I'm not getting the play by play.
I think I can get over her sexual proclivities.
Oh, my God, I cannot believe you're still being weird about this.
It's so not a big deal.
Okay, I'll give you a little bit.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi, guys, you're here early today.
Yeah, we have a kindergarten interview, sorry.
That's fine, they're just finishing up their snack.
Okay, we can wait.
Hi, boo.
- Who wants ice in their juice? - Me.
All right.
Here you go And some ice over here.
No ice! Actually, no juice.
But Mommy, I want juice.
You know what, we're going to have juice at home.
Actually, you remember the dentist said we shouldn't have too much juice, so maybe we'll just get, we'll get, like, a soda or something.
You know what? I'll see you tomorrow.
Guys, enjoy your snacks sorry again.
All right, have a good one.
Bye.
Who else wanted ice? Okay.