It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s03e11 Episode Script

minutes.
Keep going, buddy.
Frank, you seeing this? I'm working on the chicken parts over here.
Forget the chicken parts.
Charlie is about to shatter the world record for holding his breath he's up to seven minutes.
Take the buns off the radiator.
Forget the buns.
We are gonna be world famous after this.
Charlie, how you doing? I gotta breathe, man.
No, Charlie, don't breathe! One more minute! Buns are gonna burn! Don't do that! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Come on! Are you breathing? Of course I'm breathing! Well, you ruined it.
We could have been famous.
We could have been famous.
Come in! Hi.
I Oh, I'm, uh What do you want, lady? Ow! Uh, my name is Betty Canuso, and I don't know if you heard but a week ago, Eastern State Correctional Facility was forced to release due to overcrowding.
Eastern State? That's where my dad is.
Maybe they let my dad out.
Did they let my dad out? How would I know that? Listen, I'm here because of a man named Wendell Albright, a registered sex offender.
He's moved into this neighborhood.
Yeah.
I'm hoping by raising awareness we can force him out of the neighborhood and away from our children, you know, once and for all.
It's going on and on.
Is there something that you need from us? Because we're in the middle of something.
Please post these flyers anywhere you can.
Okay, okay, okay.
Yes, yes, yes.
All right.
Okay.
Thank you for your time.
Out.
Get out.
Get out.
Some people have no sense of my personal boundaries and property.
Let's set the shit up again.
Holy shit! What? This dude looks just like Dennis.
I do not look like this guy.
Are you serious, dude? What are you guys talking about? He's, like, 40 years old.
Oh, my God.
Look at his jaw.
Look at his jawline.
His jaw is exactly where I don't look like him.
His jaw is fat and it's Go, like, this far back.
I never go that far back.
When I do, it doesn't do that.
I give you six to eight months before you start looking exactly like that guy.
That's crazy, man.
There's no resemblance Hello.
Dad.
They did let you out.
Oh, my God.
Don't touch me.
Right.
That's how it goes.
Hey, hey, come meet my friends.
Guys, this is my dad.
Well, Charlie you know.
Hey, hey, man.
Hey, by the way real sorry about that whole heroin incident in the butt, but here's the deal.
I had my butt filled like a Christmas stocking, and I wanted to come I got a little nervous, everything came flushing out of me.
Wendell "Shorteyes.
" They let you out too, huh? What? No, I'm not Wendell "Shorteyes.
" Didn't I stab you once? No, you never stabbed Look, I'm not Wendell, okay? I'm not a sexual child molester.
I'm Dennis Reynolds.
I'm handsome and chiseled and Now you got me thinking.
I gotta go look in a mirror.
Dad, what are you gonna do now that you're out? I need a job.
Well, tell you what.
I just got an idea.
Bouncer.
Welcome aboard, buddy.
Right.
Good thinking.
Can I talk to you for a second, you guys? Oh, yeah.
Dude, Dee, that guy really likes your hair.
Yeah, he does.
This is a very bad plan.
What? Which one? This man should not work here.
Why are you attacking us? This guy looks like he wants to eat me.
Has he ever eaten anybody that you know of? I don't think so.
No.
But it'd be pretty cool if he did.
Yeah, that is really cool.
Think about the dedication you got to put into eating a human body.
If he's got that kind of commitment, imagine what Son, where's the telephone? Do you have plans, Dad? 'Cause I was thinking we could do some father-son stuff.
Have a catch.
Talk.
No, I'm not gonna do that.
But I'll tell you what.
Here's a list of, uh, all the people I, uh, promised to visit after I got out of prison.
Maybe you can drive me around, help me take care of a few of 'em, hmm? Take care of a few of 'em? Okay, that sounds cool.
You got a car? No.
Dennis does, but he won't give me the keys.
That won't be a problem.
I do not want Mac's dad working at our bar.
I was looking in the mirror, and I gotta tell you, looks pretty good in here.
Jawline looks good Are you listening to me? I don't want to get eaten.
Eaten? He eats people? That's awesome.
That's not awesome.
Why do you guys think that eating people is awesome? It just is.
Asshole! What? Did you see that? Yeah, I saw that.
Listen, I need your help, okay? You're part owner of the bar, and you're probably the only person that Mac listens to and I need you talk to him Dee, you're blowing this completely out of proportion.
Mac's dad probably hasn't seen a woman in a very long time.
And as soon as he comes across one that's actually attractive he's gonna forget all about you, just like every other man does.
Why do you do that? Pervert! Dickhead! Pervert? Dickhead? Why are people yelling at me in the streets, Dee? Could have something to do with that.
What? That's gonna be a problem for me.
Take the TV too.
Frank! What the hell's going on in here, man? I'm leaving.
It's been great, but I got to get something more out of my life.
Well, why are you taking all my shit? Well, it was really hard to tell whose was whose, so I just decided to take everything.
You don't ever use this.
I use that all the time.
It's like the only thing I use.
All right, slow down, Frank.
Slow down.
What the hell's this all about? Charlie, I need a woman.
I need a woman to cook for me and clean up after me and somebody who'll do everything I say.
That's just a maid.
You want a maid? Yeah.
That's right.
A maid.
A maid I can bang.
Well, what the hell, man? I mean What? I thought we had a pretty sweet thing going on here.
Am I wrong? We had a good deal going on.
We hung out.
We Breakin' records, eatin' chicken scraps.
I know you're gonna miss me.
Don't hug me! Get Get out of my apartment.
Dude, I don't need you.
No, wait, wait.
You know what, dude? Before you go, remember one thing.
We had about the sweetest life that two men can have together, and you're walking out on that.
Charlie, you're gonna have to deal with it.
You know why? Because I need that bang maid.
All right.
But you're not gonna do very well out there without this guy.
'Cause I may not be much, Frank, but, uh, I think you'll find that I'm a pretty sweet deal once you're out there on your own, and I'll tell you what else.
You're not gonna find a bang maid, 'cause there's no such thing.
I already did.
Your mom.
Goodbye.
Okay, let's go.
It's been about 30 minutes, Dad.
What were you doing up there? Hmm? Oh, just, uh, keeping up with my, uh, correspondence.
Oh, that sounds nice.
How'd it go? Well, there was a bit of a struggle, but, uh it turned out just fine.
Oh, good.
Good.
So, um Hey, I was thinking we could hang out, you know.
I was thinking we could go on a double date.
Go onto Match.
Com, find us a couple of hot ladies.
What do you think? No.
No.
Okay.
Ooh! We could go on a road trip.
Hey, Dad, let's go to Cooperstown, New York.
I have always wanted to go to the Baseball Hall of Fame with my dad.
Do you want to do that with me, Dad? Start the car.
Okay.
I'll start the car.
That's fine.
Um, just school me again here.
Is it the yellow one to the black one, or is there orange involved? Red.
Red.
Just red.
There we go.
Teamwork, right? A little father-son teamwork.
Okay, here we go.
Put on your seat belt.
Or don't.
Here we go.
It looks great.
Stop fiddling with it.
I know it looks great.
I just want to make sure the glue holds.
Remember, this is a twofold operation.
We want to prove that you're not Wendell Albright but prove that you are a good guy.
Good guy? Check.
That comes naturally for me.
Great.
Now step one.
This guy's a little paunchy, right? You're not.
You got a great body.
But how are we supposed to see that with this billowy shirt you got on? Pop that thing off.
Whoa.
Wait a second, Dee.
I can't just pop my shirt off in the middle of a park.
You crazy? I feel like you're not using your head.
What better way to differentiate you from this fatty than by showing off this amazing body? There is an amazing body under this shirt.
I'm gonna pop the shirt off.
I need to show it.
This is what I'm thinking.
You go over there and put on a fitness clinic for these kids.
Show that you care about their physical body.
I care about the kids.
I would never hurt the kids, but I care about them.
Absolutely.
I'm gonna go do that right now.
Take a lap.
Work those monkey bars.
Hey, fellas.
Hi, there.
I am working with a program that assimilates convicted child molesters right back into your neighborhood.
Kids, how you doing today? It's a beautiful, sunny day, isn't it? Here, gather around for a second.
I want to talk to you kids about physical fitness.
Now we're not responsible for making sure these people are rehabilitated but this guy's done his time and he deserves a second chance, don't you think? That's him right over there talking to your kids.
Yeah.
Nice and high over that bar so you can work those muscles.
'Cause you want your muscles to pop, you understand? You see how these pecs, they're popping? Take a real close look at this body.
This body is chiseled.
This body is You guys have a great day.
Some people In society aren't very muscular.
You should notice the difference.
Let me show you another hamstring stretch.
This is a real good one.
You're gonna make your legs into a "V.
" Just like that.
You're gonna put your hands together and stretch out nice and low.
Don't be afraid to stick your ass out.
That's not embarrassing.
It's a good thing.
Get those hamstrings nice and loose.
That's a real Hey, pervert.
Oh, shit.
A dinner party? I don't think so.
I'm telling you, Frank, it's gonna be awesome.
Everybody's gonna be there.
My mom, my dad, Charlie.
No, Mac, I don't think I'm ever gonna leave this place.
Nail clippings on command.
Massages and hand jobs being thrown around like hotcakes.
This is a party in your honor.
We are celebrating your new relationship.
Can I bring my bang maid? Of course, dude.
You can bring anybody you want.
Bonnie! Oh, uh, yes, Frank? Stop making lasagna.
We're goin' out tonight.
Oh.
Okay, Frank.
She's in.
All right, I'll see you tonight at 8:00.
And the trap is set.
Sweet, bro.
What the hell are you doing? Siphoning boxed wine.
Why? Why? Bro, this is the perfect plan, man.
Dude, if we get your dad drunk enough, he's gonna be able to see past your mother's looks past her skin, all that eczema and shit.
He's gonna fall in love with her all over again, buddy.
Now my mom, she gets so belligerent and mean when she's drunk, dude she's gonna drive Frank right back into my arms.
Into your arms? Into my Into my home.
Into my futon and my house I'm gonna have Frank back is what I'm trying to say, dude.
Right.
Where'd all these jars come from? I emptied out all the tomato sauce.
Hmm.
Seems to me like it'd be easier to steal the box than jars of liquid.
No.
No.
The jars are It's easier You empty Where were you 10 minutes ago when I was coming up with this plan, man? Okay, I helped you.
In fact, I'm still helping you.
I'm giving you ice for your broken face, so you call Mac now.
What are you talking about? You helped me get my ass kicked.
I'm starting to think you did that on purpose.
What? Yeah.
Oh, how dare you say it.
You call Mac right now.
No.
I'm not calling Mac.
No.
I'm not calling Mac because you're not helping me with this molester situation.
I'm gonna call Mac's dad, tell him you're available, that you were asking about him.
All right, fine.
I'll help you.
But then right afterwards, you're helping me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dick.
Oh, Mom, you're gonna look so good for your date.
All right, here we go.
I think that should just about do it.
What do you think? Can't see the TV.
Right.
I was thinking maybe you could lay off the TV, just for an hour Can't see the TV.
Mac, can I talk to you in here for a second? Yeah.
I'll-I'll be right back, okay? Okay, what's up? Do me a favor, 'cause I'm really in the weeds here, bro.
I need you to take some of these spaghetti sauce things with all the wine in them I need you to, like, empty all What are you talking about? I am trying to set the right mood in there.
Are you kidding me? I'm the only one in here! I'm the only one cooking! Is that my problem, Charlie? What if we have no ambience? Do you have any idea what it takes to cook Do you want flat ambience? Get out of my kitchen! Jesus Christ, Charlie.
Jesus Christ.
This is a disaster! This disaster's on your hands, not mine, okay? Whoa! Dad.
When did you get here? Shh.
Right.
Right.
Oh, uh, surprise, Mom.
Surprise! Yea! It's Dad.
You guys haven't seen each other in so long, huh? It's exciting.
Right.
Hey, Dad.
Dad, doesn't Mom look pretty? No.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Here we go.
Our guests have arrived.
Oh, sorry.
Almost, uh, touched you again.
Okay, guys, you guys ready? Are you ready? All right, you look ready.
Let's do it.
It's all happening.
Hello.
HI.
Welcome.
Welcome.
Thank you.
You look good.
Thanks.
Can I take your coats? Bonnie, coat.
Oh.
Sit.
Love you.
Mmm.
Damn, dude.
Harsh, right? Yeah.
I think so too.
The woman prefers to be treated like shit.
I ain't never seen anything like it in my life.
Attention, everybody! Attention, everyone! Your dinner is served.
Ohh! Pipe down.
This is, uh, delicious, Charlie.
Why, thank you, Mac.
It's crap.
Pure, unadulterated crap.
Uh, Mother, how's yours? Um it's crap pure, unadulterated crap.
Well, I'm not surprised you're saying that, considering I took a crap in yours.
No, he didn't.
He's joking.
He's joking.
Charlie did not crap into anybody's food, okay? Mother, you might be wanting to have some more of this turkey sangria, wash that crap down.
No.
Bonnie.
She doesn't want any more.
Shut up, Frank.
You don't know what she wants any more than she knows what you want.
You know who knows what you want? I do.
I've always known what you want.
And I can give you want you want.
Just let me give you what you want.
I don't think so, Charlie.
I don't think so.
Let's change the subject.
Dad.
Dad, maybe you want to regale us with a story from prison or my childhood? Mmmmm.
Oh, my.
You were in prison? Yeah.
That's very interesting, Luther.
Now that you and my mother are opening a dialogue here I don't know if you've taken any time out of your dinner to notice her ample breasts.
What? Charlie.
The man's been in prison a long time.
He probably needs a woman.
What you may or may not have known Is my mother happens to be one hell of a whore of a man-stealing woman! Charlie, that's just rude.
What are you doing, Charlie? It's okay, because my dad already has a woman, Frank.
Uh, you have Mom.
She hates me.
That's not true.
That's not true.
Mom, you don't hate Dad, do you? Oh, yeah.
Damn it.
Mother, I don't know if you know this or not but Luther happens to be a very successful drug dealer.
Oh.
This might appeal to the whore in you.
He happens to have beautiful blue eyes that just pop right out of his head.
I don't blink.
The man doesn't blink, Mom.
The man doesn't blink.
Stay away from my bang maid.
Damn it, Frank! This isn't about them Charlie or Mac or anyone else this is about you and me, bro.
This is about dudes living together, hanging out, sharing their bed and their life No.
That's not what this is about! Yes! This is about people meeting back up after many years and sparks flying and families getting back together and raising little boys so they can be happy again! Okay, happy boys! This is about happy boys! Bonnie, I'll call you sometime.
No! Oh, that's it! That's it! Ah, it's on! You've ruined this, and I'll never forgive you.
We're out of here.
I will never forgive you.
Oh, come on.
You'll forgive me.
Mmm! And the seed is planted.
All right, listen, douche bag apparently people think we look alike personally, I don't see it.
Holy shit! No.
Yeah, I see that.
We got the same eyes, same nose, same lips, same And the chin.
What are you doing? That's what it is.
It's all in here is the same.
Same jawline and chin But look at his whole neck parts.
Yeah, it's right in here.
Mm-hmm.
It's all there.
What? Who are you here to help? But look at his-his I have a chiseled, noble That's not the point.
The point is you got to leave so I can live my life in peace.
Listen, pal.
This is a pretty sweet situation I got going here.
You're out there looking like me taking all my heat while I'm in here watching the Disney channel all day long.
Why the hell would I move? We were afraid it might come to that.
Timmy, could you come out here for a second? Timmy, will you recite for our husky friend here the little courtroom speech we prepared.
I have a friend.
His name Is Wendell.
He showed me funny movies with fully naked people in them.
He gives me juice boxes that make me sleepy.
All right, I get it.
He's silly.
He's a tickle monster.
Listen, kid, I said I get it, okay? He makes me taste things I don't want to.
He puts things in my heinie.
Goddamn it! Will you make the kid stop, please? Come on.
I think that ought to do it.
Yeah.
That's good, Timmy.
So you'll leave? Yeah, I'll leave.
Lady When you're with me I'm smiling Give me Whoaoaoa All your love So I say that went very well.
Didn't you think it went well? Shut up, Charlie.
Hey, hey, hey.
I agree with Charlie.
I thought it was nice.
Hey, pull over.
Pull over.
Here? Yeah, yeah.
What, do you have another name on your correspondence list? Yeah.
Okay, you two, stay right here.
This one shouldn't take long.
Bro, can I talk to you for one second? Yeah.
What the hell's up with that? It's weird.
I don't know.
This shiteating behavior.
He's been acting very weird about this list.
What's up with this correspondence list? Who are these people? Judge Hatcher.
District Attorney Andrews.
Warden Phillips.
What? I think he's killing those people.
Charlie.
Holy shit! He's killing He's probably eating them too, dude.
And although I think eating people is very cool, not if we're involved.
No, Charlie, he is not killing anybody, okay? We're accomplices.
No, we are not.
He told me these are people from his past, and he's got to take care of them.
And once he takes care of them, he's gonna take care of me.
Oh, my God! Wait, that doesn't sound good.
No, that doesn't sound good at all for you, bro.
I'm on the list, of course, and then Uhoh.
What? Number 12.
What? Charlie.
What? Charlie.
Why am I on there? I don't know.
I don't belong on there! That's bullshit! You don't put a man on a list! Rip it off! You think he memorized it? Of course he memorized it.
That's pointless.
Okay, I What's this about? Why am I on the list? Charlie It's the heroin thing.
Remember when he asked us to put heroin in our butts Yes.
And smuggle it into prison and we didn't do it? Now he's all hot and bothered 'cause we don't give him heroin? We don't put it in our butts? You don't do that! You don't eat someone 'cause they don't have heroin in their ass! Let's get out of here.
Hold on! Calm down, Charlie! Red to red! Red to red! Are you sure it's red to red? Am I sure it's red to red? You hold this one! I'm freakin' out! Red to red! Red to red! I can do it, right? Lady Let's go! Of the morning What can I do you for? We need to talk.
What is going on in here? Just laying low and breaking world records.
Don't even think about breathing, bitch.
All right, so here's the deal.
Got rid of that child molester.
The sexual predator guy? Yeah, he's gone.
He's out of the situation, so my problems are solved.
You had a thing too, right? Mac's dad.
I want your dad out of the bar.
Great.
Me too.
Really? I'm pretty sure he wants to kill me, actually.
Why would your dad want to kill you? Not sure.
But we've been driving around in your car.
He's got this list of names.
He's been checking them off Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Walt a second.
You've been driving around in my car? Uh, my dad made me steal it.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, dude.
That son of a bitch.
He's a dangerous man, and I don't want him in the bar anymore.
Okay.
Are you kidding me? Dee, that's final! Don't argue with me! Mac, call the police.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Luther, I'll wait for you.
Oh.
Okay, Mom.
Mom, are you okay? Are you okay? Oh, Charlie, they're taking him away.
They're taking away my Luther.
Mom, I was Mom! Mom, sorry.
Can you listen to me? Don't ever take Frank from me again! He's mine now! I got him back, so What? Officer.
Officer, we know everything.
What are you talking about? We're the ones that called you.
That's my dad you're arresting.
He's been killing all the people on this list.
Oh, yeah.
We looked into all that already.
He wasn't killing those people.
In fact, everybody on that list spoke very highly of him.
Spoke highly of him? What? Yeah.
Apparently, he was making amends with all the people he wronged.
Then if he hasn't been killing anybody, why are you arresting him? Because he violated his parole.
He's not supposed to leave the state and we caught him buying three airline tickets.
To where? Cooperstown, New York.
Said he was gonna take some guy named Mac and some guy named Charlie.
Oh.
You guys have a good one, huh? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Dad.
Dad! Dad, you did want to take me to the Hall of Fame.
Well, I wanted it to be a surprise.
It is a surprise.
It's a huge surprise, Dad.
And I wanted Charlie to know there were no hard feelings about that whole you know, heroin thing.
Ohh.
Oh, my God, Dad.
I am so sorry for ratting you out and turning you in.
You weren't gonna kill me.
Of course you weren't gonna kill me.
I'm your son.
No, I wasn't gonna kill you.
But I'm going to now.
Huh? Yeah.
As soon as I get out, I'm gonna kill you.
See you, Son.
See you real soon.
Lady Of the morning Love shines In your eyes Sparkling Clear and lovely You're my lady Lady Turns me on when I'm lonely Show me Whoaoaoa