It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s14e02 Episode Script

Thunder Gun 4: Maximum Cool

1 MAC: I hope they don't show us some boring art house movie.
CHARLIE: Well, the title of the movie is terrible.
I mean, Focus Group? What is that? Focus Group isn't the title of the movie.
- We're in a focus group.
- Huh? Charlie, we're here to watch, analyze, critique, and then, most importantly, judge whatever film we're gonna be shown.
Uh, these filmmakers they need valuable input, and we have been carefully selected to provide it.
We were walking out of the mall, and they offered us Red Lobster gift cards.
Nevertheless, you know, they've chosen wisely.
Uh, good afternoon, everyone.
I-I want to thank you for joining us today.
Now, your feedback is very important to us.
- Sweet.
- I'm sorry.
I'm just a little confused here, 'cause I can't follow this movie.
The movie hasn't started yet.
Yeah, uh, Moderator, not to worry.
I-I just want to assure you that your movie is in good hands.
Y-You've chosen wisely.
See, I, myself, am a prolific filmmaker.
In fact, while you don't thrill me, I might even consider you for one of my roles.
Well, thank you, um, but I'm not really a performer.
I'll get a performance out of you.
- Uh, where will we appear in the credits? - In the credits? - Are we gonna be at the front? - Yeah, for our contribution.
- Sort of the beginning of the film, or? - Yeah.
Well, you-you will not be.
But your opinions are valuable to us.
- And you're gonna get a lot of them.
(CHUCKLES) - Oh, yeah.
I'm already tearing this entire experience apart.
- As am I.
- DEE: Me, too.
- Why don't we just start? - I'll tell you what.
Why don't you - just go ahead and show us - Let's just, let's see.
whatever piece of shit you're gonna show us, you know, - Yeah.
- so we can tear it apart and get out to Red Lobster? - DEE: Yeah, I'm hungry.
- Okay.
So the title of the film is Thunder Gun 4: Maximum Cool.
- Oh! - What?! - Really?! - Holy - - (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) (LOUD WHOOSHING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) (FRANK GROANS) Uh uh What was that? I, uh I'm not sure.
- Uh - I-I was totally lost.
Did they make Thunder Gun bad? - Yeah.
- Okay.
So, that was our movie.
Now, clearly, the film is not done, but still a work in progress.
- Oh.
- Oh, thank God! - Okay, great.
- Oh, Jesus.
Okay, so let's adjourn to the conference room to begin our session.
- Let's get into it.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Let's-let's fix it.
- We can, uh, we can fix it.
- Oh, yeah.
MODERATOR: Okay, why don't we just break it down, act by act? I'll play back a scene from the first act, and then we can discuss.
- Yeah, okay.
All right.
- Okay.
Train roll on (SIGHS) - Excuse me.
- On down the line Is your name John? John ThunderGun? (THUNDERGUN SIGHS) Mm.
Maybe once.
Not anymore.
I'm Dr.
Ling.
This is my assistant Max.
I'm head of research and development for Com-Tec.
We need your help.
Why? You got a bottle of whiskey that needs draining? A man named Colonel Washington has stolen a formula from our lab.
In the wrong hands, this formula could be used as a powerful weapon.
A weapon that could destroy millions of lives.
We need it back, but he wants something from us.
Oh, yeah? What's that? Not what, but who.
(WHOOSHING) I am Colonel Washington.
You know my reputation, so you'll give me what I seek.
Where is ThunderGun? Right here.
Me.
I am ThunderGun.
I am ThunderGun.
I am ThunderGun.
(CHANTING): I am ThunderGun! I am ThunderGun! I am ThunderGun! I am ThunderGun! I am (YELLING) (MACHINEGUN FIRE CONTINUES) Okay, who has questions about the setup? - Mm.
- Oh.
- Me, me, me, me! - FRANK: Yeah.
- Um, let's start with you.
- What's being set up? Um the entire movie.
The, uh So, the main characters, the story, the villain.
That's where you lost me.
Who's the bad guy? Well, Colonel Washington, obviously.
That's not clear.
In the old movies, the good guy wore white, the bad guy wore black, or was black.
Well, depending on the hero.
Right? It's-it's not a racial thing.
- Mm.
- It's about opposites.
See, I want the bad guy to be different than me - so I know why I hate him.
- DEE: Mm-hmm.
- FRANK: Mm.
- I hate people who are different than me.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Like Rocky one.
Bad guy was black.
Rocky II another black guy.
Rocky III different black guy with a mohawk.
- Right.
- Yeah, but in Die Hard, - the bad guy was foreign, right? - Hmm.
- FRANK: Yeah.
- So I know why I hate him.
- DEE: There we go.
- FRANK: Yeah.
People hate foreigners.
- Right.
- Yeah, we hate them.
- Right? So in Thunder Gun, you don't have to do any reshoots, right? - FRANK: Yeah.
- Don't-don't make him black.
- Just give him an accent.
- What kind of accent? What about Australian? That's pretty foreign.
No, that's not gonna work.
'Cause they're white.
No, because they're fun.
They're a very fun group of people, right? I mean - DEE: Yeah.
- Try to hate an Australian.
- It's impossible.
- A bunch of rapscallions.
- Little rascals.
- Ooh, but French, though.
- French.
(GROANS) - Ugh.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Snobby.
Snobby, yes.
Yes, yes.
You will definitely dislike him, but you won't fear him because he's most likely a pussy.
- Oh.
- Right.
- That's right.
- Not scary.
Not scary.
- Right, right.
When in doubt, - go Eastern European, right? - Right.
- That's a classically evil part of the world.
- Uh-huh.
- There you go.
- That'd work.
You know, let's talk a bit about the female character.
- Nah.
- Do we have to? - I would love to.
- The studio needs a female perspective.
What did you think of Dr.
Ling? Oh, I think she sucks.
First of all, she comes in with a whole plan, like she's starting the movie.
So, you you want the female characters to have less agency? Yeah.
Look, I feel bad enough about myself as is.
I don't need some super hot, funny, smart chick doing, like, roundhouse kicks and cracking computer codes - to make me feel worse.
- FRANK: Mm.
Mm-hmm.
No.
No.
I-I like the women of the old Thunder Gun days, right? Bed 'em and dead 'em.
Look, first act, he meets a lady.
She's super hot, but I'm smarter, right? And then he bangs her, and she gets dead.
And-and later on, he meets someone.
All right, this one's smart, I'll give her that, but I'm funnier.
(CHUCKLES) You know what I mean? He bangs her, she gets dead, and then, and in the end, he falls in love with an ugly one, and who cares about that? I don't care about that.
And then she gets dead, and that sets up for the next movie, and I'm all in.
Because all of the women are dead.
You know? No competition.
- Oh, that's a good point.
Yeah.
- FRANK: Yeah.
- DEE: Right? - Okay, yeah.
Write that down.
- Women hate women.
- I (SIGHS) I think the studio was trying to get away from the female character just acting as a plot device or a sex trophy.
- Ah, but, yeah, why? - Why? - But that works.
- Okay, let's move past this.
Let's take it into the second act with this next clip.
I'm sorry I dragged you into this, ThunderGun.
Don't lose hope.
We may get out of this yet.
But if we don't, I think there's something I should tell you.
We've met before.
Detroit.
Winter.
At a bar.
I went home with you.
The next morning, you were gone, and I never heard from you again.
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
I never was good at being tied down.
(CHUCKLES) No, it's not that.
It's just (EXHALES) My assistant.
You know Max.
Well, he's not just my assistant.
He's my son.
- Are you trying to tell me - Yes, John.
He's your son, too.
Max is your son.
MODERATOR: Okay.
So, this is the midpoint twist.
What is? Um, ThunderGun finding out he has a son.
- Mm-hmm.
- He has a son? Yes.
But how is this the twist? I mean, because he's got a kid? I mean, he's probably got a thousand kids, all the raw-dog loads he drops.
I don't know what "raw-dog loads" are.
Sorry for him.
But my disgusting friend does bring up a good point.
I mean, every Thunder Gun movie has at least one very tasteful yet very erotic sex scene in it, - and this had none.
- FRANK: Mm.
Yeah.
I've I've been waiting for the right time to bring this up, but I feel like we need to address the elephant in the room, no? - Yeah, this is a big one for us.
- Might as well.
- I've been thinking about it.
- Might as well.
- Yeah.
Okay, so where's the dong? (CHARLIE CLICKS TONGUE) The-the dong? - The dong.
- Yeah.
-DEE: Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the dong.
The dong.
John ThunderGun has hung dong in every chapter of this saga.
And, well, I just watched 90 minutes of one, and yet not one hang.
Well, I think that the studio was thinking the gratuitous nudity was maybe a bit much.
- Fuck you.
-Bullshit! - Bullshit! - This is exactly the type of Hollywood bullshit - that America is sick of.
- CHARLIE: What are you talking about? Hollywood's completely out of touch.
- So out of touch with what people want! - Don't you want to give people - what people actually want? - There's a bigger issue here.
Movies are different now.
You lost a sense of community.
Interesting.
Go on.
Look, years ago, before the Internet, we would all go out to the movies together.
Yes.
This is exactly what studios are trying to bring back.
A-An event.
- A place we can all go to enjoy as a community.
- FRANK: Yeah.
I mean, it used to be you give the creep-show at the window a couple of bucks, you could spend all day in there popping off.
And the joy of it was that there were people popping off at the same time.
I mean, n-not that you looked at each other.
It was dark.
You weren't looking for the gay thing.
But it gave you a sense of something bigger than yourself.
Now, they you know, got rid of all these movie theaters.
They're taking all the sex out of the movies.
And what am I supposed to do? Go home, turn the lights off and pop off in front of Charlie? No, thanks.
I'm sorry.
Are you talking about pornography theaters? I'm talking about community, honey.
Right.
E Uh, yeah, even if the studios wanted to put back in the nudity, they couldn't because of the new rating.
Wh-What do you mean, the new rating? Thunder Gun: Maximum Cool will be rated PG-13.
- What? - (DEE GASPS) Now, that's quite a midpoint twist.
They did it! They did.
They ruined everything with this PC bullshit.
Straight white men can't have anything anymore.
Men? Look, don't forget white women.
We got completely passed over.
Yeah, and I can't follow any of this.
We're feeling a lot of outrage right now, you know, because we want something, and we know we deserve it, - but we're not getting it.
- Mm.
I'm mad, but I don't know at what anymore.
- That's what it is! - (ALL TALKING AT ONCE) MAC: That's what it is! I'm pissed! - Aah! I'm mad.
- Listen, listen.
Our way of life is changing, - and that's scary.
- Right.
- We don't want to change.
- Oh, that makes me so angry.
- Makes me mad.
- I want to cling to the way things were, but they're done.
- Let's get out of here.
- DENNIS: Let's run from this.
- We'll run from it.
- Wait, wait, wait, - wait, wait.
- Do we have to, legally? Guys, we can't run.
Come on.
What's ThunderGun's slogan? "No hesitation, no surrender, no man left behind.
" Did we leave a guy in there, though? Goddamn right we did, Charlie, and his name is John ThunderGun.
- (MARTIAL MUSIC PLAYING) - Like it or not, we have a civic duty to uphold.
We owe it to ourselves, to ThunderGun, and to movie audiences all over the world to put a stop to this liberal, PC bullshit.
- DEE: Mm-hmm.
- But I think we have been selected for a cosmic reason here; to put an end to this.
To not pull our punches.
To save the dong.
Save the dong.
- Save the dong.
- Save the dong.
- I agree.
- Oh, for God's sakes.
- This is why you don't include women.
- DENNIS: Are you kidding me?! What?! Don't you see that there was a rhythm? - Like a cinematic rhythm.
- Oh, let's do it again.
- Let's do it again.
- No way.
No way! - I get it now.
- You-you can't You can't give women the zingers.
Now, you listen here, you goddamn Hollywood communist.
I live in Roxborough.
Again, I didn't make this movie.
Listen to me, listen to me.
If you start to strip sex out of our communities, out of our culture and-and even our art, not only do you isolate people, but you create an oppression disguised as morality.
I mean, the the Thunder Gun series has always been groundbreaking in so many ways, notwithstanding the recognition of an inequality that was present in cinema since its beginning days.
The objectifying of the female form.
I mean, with Thunder Gun, a great injustice was rectified.
Okay? Fairness of the sexes.
A unification of the human condition.
I'm sorry, is this still about the flaccid penis you'd like to see? You're goddamn right! - MAC: Yeah.
- We want to see it.
Yes, we want to see the man's dick, but I guess what I'm saying is that it's no longer just about gratuitous boobs, it's also about gratuitous penis.
I mean, ThunderGun was about progress.
Right.
Uh, I think we all can agree that public opinion has sort of turned against the idea of someone exposing themselves.
- (ALL GROAN) - Oh, here we go.
Here we go.
- This is a different thing.
- You're not understanding it.
See, ThunderGun didn't take his dick out to intimidate people.
He did it because he had accomplished his mission.
He wanted to kick back and call it a day.
He did do it once to intimidate someone, - but that was the bad guy.
- CHARLIE: It was the bad guy.
And it just so happened the bad guy was a female.
That was the best one.
That was the best one! - That was funny.
- It made me wish I had a dong that I could pull out to celebrate my accomplishments.
You know? Or maybe just feel the cool breeze gently tickle the shaft on a, on a crisp autumn morn.
I don't know, whatever men do to to feel powerful.
- That's what it is.
- It really is.
It really is.
Listen, Moderator, the point is this.
I mean, it used to be only, like, the hard-line conservatives, like the pearl-clutching types, were the only ones that were overly vocal and extreme in their policing of sexuality.
But now you got this, like, liberal wave of moral authority sweeping the nation.
You know, it's nuts.
I mean, think about it.
If the conservatives had always run Hollywood, movies would have sucked.
You know what I mean? The art would have suffered.
So I guess the question we're asking is how will art fare under the oppressive thumb of this new liberal Hollywood moral PC elite? Well, I don't know.
It's tough to say.
But is that a world that we want to live in? I say no.
I say give me dong or give me death.
ALL: Yeah! CHARLIE: Yeah, man, don't tell me what I can see and what I can't see.
So, uh, just to be clear here, they didn't make it PG-13 because of political correctness.
- Oh, did they not? - No.
No-no.
They-they made it PG-13 because rated-R movies aren't making as much money anymore.
Because of streaming, and most importantly, - piracy.
- Piracy, huh? Yeah, and how have you all been viewing the franchise? - Oh, no-no, not through piracy.
- No.
In f In fact, we, we-we saw the last installment of-of the franchise out in the theater.
- We barely made it.
- We barely made it.
Oh, wait, no-no, hold on, but Frank called in that bomb threat.
Oh, but-but that was okay, because remember, then we went home, and we, we saw it on the Internet.
- Caught it online.
- We caught it online.
Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah.
On that website that has all the movies.
So, that's that is pirating.
No, no, no, pirating is stealing.
We didn't steal it, okay? We just downloaded it.
Uh, the website is called "MoviePirate.
com.
" MAC: And the other one is called, uh, "FreeMovies/Arrrgh.
" Ah, I'm starting to see a little bit of a pattern here, because, uh, I also use one called "StolenMovies.
free.
" So you're part of the problem.
Because of people like you, the studios felt like this was their only recourse.
PG-13 opens up a whole new market.
You're saying it's our fault that we don't get to see the dong? You're coming in there changing everything, you know, getting rid of the dong, I mean, how is that even Thunder Gun anymore? Well, yeah, th-they're changing it.
They're rebooting the entire franchise.
- What? - What d What? You guys didn't get that from the final scene? CHARLIE: Uh, no, what? Okay.
Let's review.
(WIND WHISTLING) (GROANS) I'm not gonna make it through this one.
We can both go detonate the hydro-fusion bomb.
No hesitation.
No surrender.
No man left behind! Not this time.
No, Dad.
Please.
Sometimes in order to save something you have to destroy something.
You'll need this to get out of here, son.
To continue our story.
(GRUNTS) (PANTING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE) So, you see, they're rebooting the franchise for a younger audience.
The only people who are actually still going to see movies.
I did not get that.
Well, you haven't gotten anything the entire day.
Got to side with Charlie on this one.
I didn't get it.
Now, wh-what was with the fire stick? You mean the torch? The one he passed to his son Max as in Maximum Cool and said, "You need to continue our story"? It's the camera guy who screwed up.
'Cause ThunderGun, he fell into that fiery abyss, - and for some reason, we're watching the kid - Yeah, we wanted to go down into the volcano with John No-no, you guys don't get it.
It's a cliffhanger.
Yeah? It's a cliffhanger.
We're gonna find out what happened to John in the next movie, Thunder Gun 5 - Ooh - Or, or there's a post-credit scene - that we didn't get to see, yes? - No.
No.
There's none of that.
This isn't a cliffhanger.
He's dead.
John is dead.
Now we follow the son's story.
- No! - I don't, I don't want to.
- I don't think so.
- DENNIS: No.
You don't have to think.
I'm telling you, that's what it is.
ThunderGun fell into a volcano.
He died.
And now his son Max becomes Thunder Son, the face of the franchise moving forward.
- (FRANK SIGHS) - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait He has a son? Fuck, man! What? - How do you not get that? - It wasn't clear.
Reshoots.
Reshoots.
You got to reshoot.
- Yeah, reshoots.
- Reshoots to make the movie more clear No! That's not what we're gonna do.
We're out of time.
That's it.
That's We're done.
But you're ruining our favorite movie! Uh (EXHALES) - How can we save the movies that we love? - Yeah.
Maybe if you actually go out to the theaters and pay to see them, then they will continue to make them.
Whoa! Oh, that's easy for you to say! With your Hollywood liberal bank account! Jesus! Who are you people?! I am ThunderGun.
I am ThunderGun.
I am ThunderGun.
DENNIS AND DEE: I am Thundergun.
DENNIS: Goddammit, Dee! - Dee - How did you not feel - that I was next and then you? - I don't know.
MAC: There was a build to it, - and then - It's like, we're trying to give the woman the final thing, and she can't do it.
- Okay, start it over.
- You can't go back.
- Start it over? - You see the problem with women.
Well, RIP ThunderGun, I guess.
Yeah.
What a waste.
I recorded that whole thing for nothing.
Dong-less! Wait a second.
You recorded the whole thing? - Yeah.
- Guys hang on a second.
Do you remember what ThunderGun said? Sometimes, in order to save something, you have to destroy something.
And I think I know what we have to do to save Thunder Gun.
Destroy it? Well, how are we gonna do that? With a little help.
From some pirates.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) - No hesitation.
No surrender.
ALL: No man left behind! - (DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS) - - (GUNSHOTS) - (HOPEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) - (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) - Mmm.
I'm bored.
Well, it looks like this new Thunder Gun movie's pretty good.
Well, you guys want to see it? We're gonna have to do a mad dash across town, though.
It starts in 30 minutes.
- To the sewers! - To the sewers! - Let's go! - Let's go! No, no, I meant like, let's see it on that pirate website.
- You think it's up already? - Here, let me check.
Yeah.
We don't have to go across town.
- It's probably on the, uh - Yeah, it's free.
We can stay here and watch it.
- CHARLIE: That way it's free.
- Yep.
It-it's on there.
- CHARLIE: Oh! - Put it Yeah.
You want to watch it on the phone? - CHARLIE: Oh, good.
- All right.
Five tickets for the price of zero.
(LAUGHTER) Put on the Auto Motion Plus.
(TRIO CHANTING BACKWARDS)