Jane the Virgin (2014) s03e11 Episode Script
Chapter Fifty-Five
1 LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: As Rogelio once said, and also Charles Dickens, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
" So, let's start with the good, shall we? Jane got a dream job, working for a high-powered publisher and her mom had recently reunited with her old flame, Bruce, and she was feeling it.
Oh, and Jane's father? Well, he had fallen for his matchmaker, Darci, and agreed to star in her reality show during his break from telenovelas.
Oh, and speaking of telenovelas, remember Petra and her twin sister, Anezka? Well, Petra wanted Anezka out of the country.
Only Anezka married Scott.
And on the topic of family drama, Rafael recently found out his parents - weren't really his parents.
- Wow.
But before he knew that, he'd covered up his late father's art theft.
So, he came clean to the police.
And they cut him a deal, which included jail time.
And at first, Petra was all No! I reject your defeat.
But, ultimately, she changed her mind.
Whatever you want to do, you do.
I want a clean slate.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And now, for the worst of times.
You'll recall, Jane married Michael.
But then, this happened.
And he seemed to recover.
Until (gasps) (crying): How did you do it, Abuela? (Mateo laughs) (exhales deeply) - No - Mm-hmm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And so, little by little, they did.
(sighs) Mateo, hurry up.
I'm ready, Mom.
Shoes.
Come on, sweetie, we don't want to be late for the wedding.
(magical chimes) You got this.
Hmm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But don't feel bad for her.
She's got this.
Her words, not mine.
MATEO: No clothes! - (Mateo laughing) - MATEO: No! (Alba groans) (Mateo laughs) Abuela, no more yelling, remember? We have a new system.
(Mateo laughing) Mateo, put your clothes back on right now.
No, I want to build a fort.
- (claps) - That's one clap of thunder, Mateo.
Now put your clothes back on right now.
Fort, fort, fort.
That's two claps of thunder, Mateo.
MATEO: No! No more thunder! Then put your clothes back on so that we can go.
No.
No.
No! Fort jump! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, no.
Don't tell me Mr.
Sweetface's face is now the only sweet thing about him.
That's three claps of thunder, Mateo.
No, you're a bad head! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Bad head? That's the best you can do? Okay, that's it.
It's a rainy day.
No, I don't want it! (thunder claps) (yelling) (yelling continues) (sighs) MATEO: Fort, fort, fort! Mm-hmm.
Mateo, get off the couch right now.
No, I hate you! You're the worstest mommy in the whole world! (Mateo yelling) Well, that's too bad.
You're stuck with me.
We can't wait much longer to start the ceremony.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yep, that's right.
Rogelio's the one getting married.
Just one more minute, Jane will be here.
I'll stall as long as I can, but she's going full bridezilla.
I know what you're thinking.
Who's the lucky bridezilla? Huh? Ugh! Mateo, give me my phone.
We need to leave.
- Come - (grunts) (grunting) ("Here Comes the Bride" begins playing) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yep.
That's right.
He's marrying Darci.
Ugh! This is a very rainy day, do you hear me, Mateo? A very rainy day.
And when I look at you, it's like I won the lottery, and the payouts will last a lifetime.
Oh, no! Jane is missing Rogelio's freaking wedding! But I also got it in one lump sum.
The lump sum of your love.
(whispering): Oh, God.
No, no, no.
Ooh, cut! (sighs) Jane's here! (bell ringing) JANE: I'm so sorry, Dad, Darci.
That's fine.
That was just for the master.
We still have a bunch of other angles to shoot.
Okay.
(sighs) Is that kid gonna keep it together? No! You do not talk about Matelio, you diabolical shrew.
- - I thank God every day that I never had a baby with you.
And I thank God I never tarnished my DNA by co-mingling it with yours.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: So yeah.
That true love shtick? Strictly for the cameras.
Sorry, we're just tweaking the lighting, folks.
Enjoy a little promo reel.
(music playing) CHEESY REALITY SHOW NARRATOR: He came in looking for a match.
But it turned out, the match was her.
TV NARRATOR: Nothing could tear them apart.
Aah! (chuckles) Not even fertility problems.
You're my baby.
Or even scarier, his evil ex.
(shrieks) This is (bleep) ridiculous! You've got to be (bleep) kidding me with this (bleep)! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which brings us to Yep.
The evil ex.
(grunts) Why do they keep showing that stupid clip? It's completely out of context.
I had just spilled hot coffee on myself.
I know, hon.
Just be glad the show is finally ending.
(moans) Thank God.
It'll be nice to go outside again without getting harassed.
How dare you mess with Dargelio! - (grunts) - (screams) On the plus side, you have gotten a lot of free publicity for the new dance studio.
(scoffs) Free publicity is not worth being named one of BuzzFeed's Ten Most Notorious Reality Show Villains.
Oh, and Rogelio RSVP'd yes, so we're skipping the Marbella's grand re-opening.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yep.
You heard that right.
Wait'll you see the brand new Marbella! That'll put a smile on your face.
Why is no one smiling? This is supposed to be the second happiest place on Earth.
Families are coming here for luxurious fun.
I don't care if a customer is stabbing you with a fork.
You keep smiling.
Perfect.
Now get back to work.
(sighs) Come on, girls.
You're gonna demo the new pirate treasure hunt.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
Those are some well-behaved little girls.
I didn't even realize they were there.
Oh, no.
The little man is gonna behave.
We have a new system.
Don't worry.
Please, Mommy, let him come.
Ahoy, mateys! To the beach we go.
Ow! Mateo! It's all right.
I know Mateo's just playing.
Take Pammy the Parrot with you.
Aye, Captain.
Now, the most important part of our treasure hunt is to avoid our dastardly villain.
Chuck.
Ah, yes, Chuck Chesser.
What are you doing here? Just wanted a word about your Critter Cage.
I already told you, we're not moving the Kids' Club.
Not sure you got a choice, darlin'.
Petra.
Look, I'm just here to give you a friendly neighborhood heads-up.
Heard you got a problem with your final inspection.
(scoffs) What? (chuckles) No, that can't be right.
INSPECTOR: He's right.
You have a problem.
The structure is five feet over the property line, which means you can't get your certificate of occupancy for your Kids' Clubhouse.
Uh, the grand opening is in five days, so that's not an option.
Either tear it down or get an easement from your neighbor.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I'll remind you, friends, that neighbor is the scallywag Chuck.
- (chuckles) - Just breathe.
Freaking out isn't gonna help.
Look who's staying all calm in the face of a crisis.
What's that about? I don't need Zen Rafael right now, okay? (scoffs) Who the hell goes to prison and comes out softer? It was prison.
He got mellow in prison! And I knew that.
I was just messing with you.
I'm not trying to be Zen, just reasonable.
I don't need reasonable! I need to come up with a plan! "I," not "we"? I'm letting her take the lead.
The hotel's succeeding because of her rebranding idea.
How do you know it's succeeding? It hasn't even opened yet.
We started taking reservations last week, and we are booked solid, six months out.
Oh, wow.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, that is impressive.
Anyways, Petra's gonna deal with the whole easement thing, so I'm not gonna stress about it.
Okay, Zen Rafael.
I buy one pair of linen pants And grow the world's worst beard.
Why does everyone hate the beard? Except Mateo.
(sighs) Hey, if I'm nervous about his parent-teacher conference tomorrow, then you must be at a nine.
Closer to a ten thousand.
Just try to breathe.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Don't wear linen pants a-and say good night to Abbey.
Will do.
Jane says good night.
Hmm.
Is Jane okay? Yeah.
Just nervous.
Hmm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
The big preschool evaluation.
I am so pleased to tell you how much sharing, cooperation, and, well, all around good behavior we've been seeing lately.
Not to mention kindness.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
Looks like they had nothing to worry about.
You have every reason to be so proud of Ellie and Anna.
Oh, thank you again.
So much, Mrs.
Taub.
Oh, no.
Thank you, truly.
They are such a joy.
Oh.
(sighs) Good luck.
Mateo definitely has a very sweet side.
But he also has some impulse control issues, which, I know, we discussed when we admitted him a few months ago.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Right.
Jane and Rafael decided he needed more structure after the terrible twos stretched to the friggin' fours.
We know that adjusting to a new school can be difficult.
And we empathize.
Thank you so much.
But his behavior's disrupting class, so we would like you to get him an aide.
Excuse me? A shadow.
To follow him around and help him, and us, when he acts up.
I know, it's hard to hear, but we have enlisted the help of aides for other children with behavioral issues, and we've had great results.
It just feels so drastic.
Do you really think that's necessary? If he wants to stay at the school, then yes.
(thunder rumbles) Good.
This is good.
She gave us two weeks to whip him into shape.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Translation: Jane begged.
- We can do it.
- Hmm.
An aide is just too extreme.
And, of course, it goes without saying LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But here she is saying it.
- Please, don't tell - Hello, hello.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yep.
That's right.
Petra is the queen of The Marbella and queen of the preschool.
How was the conference? - Great.
- It went well.
Oh.
Whew.
Good.
I have to say I feel a little bit responsible, since I pulled all those strings to get Mateo in.
Which, again, we really appreciate.
- Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.
- (laughing): Hey.
Mateo, the girls were just about to have a snack.
Would you like some mini carrots, too? Mateo, say thank you.
- Carrots yuk.
- (gasps) Mateo.
We don't throw.
Hey.
You stop that right now.
That is unacceptable behavior.
Petra.
We talked about this.
Please don't discipline my son.
Well, someone has to.
(clears throat) Okay.
I should go.
- Okay.
Uh, we'll see you later.
- Hmm? We're taking the twins to ice cream 'cause they tied for "Best Helper" in class.
Two weeks in a row.
Great.
So happy for them.
Good job, girls.
Thank you, Auntie Jane.
We'll share with Mateo.
Awesome.
Okay.
I have to go to work.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
Work.
Remember Jane's dream job' with the dream boss? Well, over the past few years, that dream boss became The Alvarado manuscript? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: a nightmare.
Yep.
Here you go.
With the edits.
The first round of edits, not the second.
Fine.
So one of the writers dropped out of Miami's Ones to Read.
Really? Uh, so-so there's an open slot? Yes.
Let me know which ones I should bother to read and which would make me gouge my eyes out.
So I'm gonna submit my novel.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: You'll recall we left Jane working on a novel about her Abuela.
Miami One to Read.
Don't get too excited.
Who knows if she'll pick it.
- Agreed.
- (door opens) Hi, all.
Hey, what are you doing here? They invited me.
What are you doing here? Beyond the fact that we love you both, do you know what a giant pain in the ass it is to have you two not speaking? Scheduling separate dinners every week.
Well, re-shoots.
Nope.
No way.
Not happening.
(scoffs) - That's one.
- What was that? Oh, come on.
If you two are gonna act like children, then we're gonna treat you like children.
Go.
Make up.
That's two.
As I have told you 1,000 times before, I am very, very sorry about the way you were portrayed on the De Le Vega-Factor Factor, but I didn't know.
And I had no say in it.
You're a producer.
Everybody that works in television is a producer.
(bowling pins falling) You knew they were gonna portray me like that.
- I didn't.
- You did.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: This is nose-diving fast.
So I don't know what else to say to convince you.
But the bottom line is that the show is over.
So please, can we just put it behind us? I've missed you.
Yes.
Okay, let's try.
"And Olivia gives her a kiss back and says, 'I love you anyway, too.
'" Mommy? Yes, Mr.
Sweetface.
I'm sorry I'm a bad boy.
Mateo, you are not a bad boy.
Don't ever say that.
You are a good boy who does things he shouldn't do sometimes.
But everyone does things they shouldn't do sometimes.
Like Olivia in the story when she painted on the walls? Yeah.
She should have asked her mommy and used her words.
I try to remember to use my words, but sometimes I just forget.
I know.
I love you, Mommy.
I love you, too, Mateo.
- Oh.
- You're the best mommy in the world.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah.
If only everyone could see this side of him.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, Jane is researching.
Some things never change.
Okay.
Time's up.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But some things do.
Okay.
My plan is to track Mateo's meltdowns for a week to see if there any triggers to get to the root of the problem.
Okay.
My plan is martial arts.
Did you get that plan from Petra? No.
It's from me.
I like what Ellie and Anna get from it.
And research says that it teaches discipline and that it's really great for overactive kids like Mateo.
Okay.
So we have a two-pronged plan.
Track his meltdowns and martial arts.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
Admire his commitment to late modern Florida bro-chic with classic douche accents.
I need your signature on this easement.
Ooh.
No can do.
You know how I feel about that kids club.
Screeching rodents are gonna kill the sensual vibe of my adults-only pool.
Move that little brat bin to the other side of your property.
That's ridiculous; you know the tides there are way too dangerous for kids.
On the other hand, overpopulation is a major concern.
Look.
I'm a reasonable person, so how about this? We split the cost of moving your pool.
(laughs) Shut down my pool during peak season? You couldn't pay me enough.
Well, I'm not moving my clubhouse.
Great.
Then I'm gonna tear it down.
Oh, we'll see about that.
That conclude our business here? 'Cause I got ten minutes to kill before my next meeting.
Fine, but this is the last time.
And wipe those greasy hands first.
(clothes rustling, zipper unzips) - (Chuck grunts) - (Petra moans) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah.
So let's give them some privacy.
(bell dings) SENSEI: Okay, class, stand up.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
Martial arts.
Fingers crossed it helps.
(Sensei instructing in Japanese) SENSEI: All right.
Now close your eyes.
Mateo.
Pay attention, Mateo.
Stand still.
I can't.
I have the wiggles.
Of course you can.
You're only as weak as you think you are.
You're only as strong as you choose to be.
Now, stand perfectly still.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: You can do this, Mateo.
As still as a tree in the forest.
- Sir, yes, sir.
- Sir, yes, sir.
SENSEI: All right, everyone.
Let's begin.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
Look at that.
(Sensei instructs in Japanese) Punch, kick.
PETRA: I'm ready for a fight.
And I am more than willing to play dirty.
Tell me more.
I did a little research.
Turns out those lobsters you love so much? The ones that have been on your hotel's secret menu for the past month? Mmm.
Granny-slapping good.
Whatever that means.
They're also illegal.
It's off-season for the spiny lobster in Florida.
And each poaching violation can get you up to six months in jail, plus your fishing boat can get impounded.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Uh-oh.
Petra's lobster claws are coming out.
- Really? - And if you don't sign this easement, I will turn you in.
So, as our wildlife commissioner says (laughs): Wow.
Now you're gonna quote Uncle Bobby? What? Florida wildlife commissioner's my Uncle Bobby.
And I'll clear up any violations when I see him at poker night.
Thanks, though.
Okay.
Good.
Okay, this is good.
She just tweeted that her green tea latte is #LiquidZen.
And Lena Dunham just faved it.
Go.
Go.
Okay.
I'm going.
Don't be scared, but don't be too confident.
Remember, Jane, you're as strong as you choose to be.
(knocks lightly) What? Well I've never asked you for anything, uh, but, well sometimes in life, certain opportunities come up and you have to go after those things, and I think this might be - one of those times.
- Just give me the logline.
Will you read my work and consider me for the seventh showcase slot? Sure.
Anything else? No.
Thank you.
Strong move, Jane! Hi-yah! The strength of your love nourishes my body and my soul, Rogelio.
DIRECTOR: And cut! Why won't you even consider it? Because I want the show over.
And we get how you feel, Rogelio, we really do, but, uh, the ratings keep rising.
Then get another gorgeous fool to play her husband.
Because there's no way in a million, gazillion, trillion years Trillion is less than a gazillion.
- What? - If you're building, - it's million, trillion - You see, this is why - gazillion! - This is why I don't want to do it! Everybody just calm down, okay? Rogelio, just answer me one question, okay? Hmm? Would this change your mind? Ah, yes The American version of The Passions of Santos.
You'll recall this was a passion project of Rogelio's.
You have six months to get famous enough to star in the American version, or you have to go beg Rob Lowe to come back.
The network is prepared to green-light The Passion of Steve if you just give us one more year of The De La Vega-Factor Factor.
Let's do it.
This country needs a Latino president, and you're just the man to play one on TV.
And if she likes my book, I mean I don't even want to think about it.
She's gonna love it.
Trust me.
I've read it.
You okay? Yeah.
Yeah, it's just I don't get how everyone made such a big mistake with the construction plans.
I mean, no one noticed they were going five feet over? It doesn't make sense.
What? You're engaging a little.
Oh, don't make it a thing.
- Oh, it's definitely a thing.
- MATEO: Mommy! - Daddy! - BOTH: Aw What's wrong, sweetie? Jackson's having his birthday party, and everyone's invited but me.
Aw.
Honey, I'm sure it's a misunderstanding.
Hey.
So, this is awkward, uh, but Mateo didn't get an invite to Jackson's party.
And I'm sure it's just 'cause he's new, so No, it's because he hit Jackson last week.
And we wrote an apology card.
And he's in martial arts, so that's helping.
I'm sorry, we can't have that sort of behavior at Jackson's party.
Look, I'm sure this school has a policy about inviting all the kids.
- We actually don't.
- Well, that's crazy.
Take it up with the PTA.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And, of course, the president of said PTA is Petra.
Yeah, Astrid told me about the birthday.
And look, Jane does not want my pity.
Or help.
She's made that very clear over the years.
You're wrong, and you're getting Mateo invited.
But that is not why I'm here.
I went back to the original plans and look right there.
That 8 used to be a 3.
Someone tampered with it so we'd build the kids' club over the property line and have to take it down.
Who would do that? And how would they gain access to the blueprints? Uh, there are some greasy fingerprints along the edges.
PETRA (moaning): Oh, Chuck (moaning, gasping) RAFAEL: Wait.
You and Chuck? Stop.
It's embarrassing enough, okay? It's just with all the stress of remodeling and opening the Marbella hate sex with him was my only escape.
Well, that's not as bad as when I thought you were sleeping with Scott.
(groans) Don't remind me.
Hey, whatever happened to that guy anyway? Good point.
I haven't seen him since I am done with you! You are fired! You can't fire me.
What the hell is that? That's the amendment to Emilio Solano's will.
You burn me, I burn you.
Who knows? After he and Anezka split, he moved away.
Look, this is my mistake.
I'll fix it.
And speaking of fixing things Well, it's a good thing that Jackson's mom found your invitation.
And her manners.
But listen to me, it is very important that you are on your tippy-top best behavior.
- Sir, yes, sir! - Oh! - (phone chimes) - Mwah! Mwah! Ugh.
Work.
Oh, my God.
Was your boss mean again? No.
Mateo, she was really nice.
She she just picked Mommy's book for a special reading! - Yay, Mommy! - Yay, Mommy! Yay, Mateo! (gasps) It's party time.
BOTH (chanting): It's party time! It's party time! It's party time! Which brings us here.
Now.
Uh, gentle, okay? Good boy.
(phone chimes) Ha-ha-ha! - Hey, I got him, I got him.
- Uh, keep him away from the sugar He can't handle it.
You know, I really wish you'd keep your opinions to yourself.
N-Nothing ever stops you from giving yours.
Well, I don't make critical remarks about your kids.
JACKSON'S MOM: All right, everyone gather around for cake! Yes, that's because my kids behave.
My son's behavior is none of your business.
Of course it's my business I'm the reason you're here.
What? - Cake! - Rafael.
Did you ask Petra for help? Yes, I did.
Because he's my son, and I wanted him here.
- You should have told me.
- You would have said no.
Exactly! Because we don't need pity.
Hi-yah! - (gasps) - (kids laughing) Yeah.
See, I beg to differ.
Hon, put it out of your head.
You apologized.
Now, come on.
This is your night.
Ah, yes.
Welcome to the glittering Miami literary scene.
Be right back.
Professor Donaldson.
Hi.
Thanks for coming.
Well, I was in the area.
Yeah, right.
You're my mentor, okay? So stop acting like you're not.
Well you know I love this book.
So (sighs) Thanks for pushing me to write it.
Big night.
(exhales) Xo? What is it? Your fake wife tweeted about the third season.
(sighs) Well, it's not true.
She's trying to pressure me.
What? The network offered to green-light The Passions of Steve in exchange for another season.
But I turned them down.
It's not worth it.
I won't put you through another year of that.
Can everyone please find a seat? All right, I'm here.
How can I help you, darlin'? By telling the truth.
- (chuckles): What? - I know you did this.
Did what? Altered the blueprints.
And I won't hesitate to call the cops unless you sign this easement.
Petra, I did not do that.
I know you did.
And I staked everything on this renovation.
Everything.
Not just my reputation.
It's my vision.
It's my gift to my daughters.
It's mine.
It's the first thing, actually, that's truly mine I didn't marry it, I didn't steal it, I made it And now you're trying to take it all away.
(quietly): I knew it.
Now, get out of here.
Almost done.
You're up in five, Jane.
So this might be the moment to tell you that though we left Jane working on a novel about her Abuela, that is not the novel Jane finished.
That's right.
The book she finished was about her love story with Michael.
With an important change.
In the book, they got their "happily ever after.
" It was a romance novel, after all.
(phone chimes) RAFAEL: Yes, you can.
No, I can't.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I-I can't stand there and read a book about Michael in front of a bunch of strangers.
(crying laugh) I thought I could.
Or maybe that I should.
But I can't.
Rafael, I can't do it.
(sniffles) It just feels like like You're giving a piece of him away? - Yeah.
I totally get that.
- (faint applause) And we can talk about it later.
Now, stop crying, and get out there.
What? I'm serious.
This is too important.
So wipe up those tears.
Wipe them up right now! Later you can cry all you want, but right now you need to pull yourself together.
Get out there and read your damn book.
What happened to Zen Rafael? And if you don't, I'm taking back two Sundays.
(exhales) (whispers): You wouldn't.
Try me.
WOMAN: You ready? (exhales) (shuddering inhale) (exhales) âChapter One.
âKnowing what would happen, âthe heartbreak, the tears, âthe love, the hope, the betrayal, âthe heartbreak âyes, âit was always the heartbreak.
âWould she do it over? âAnd she knew, âthe answer was yes because of how it all ended.
â (sniffles) (shuddering breaths) (exhales) âBut I'm getting ahead of myself â (applause) - (howls) - Bravo! (Rafael howls) We, Mom.
We.
We're family, Rogelio.
And no matter what's happened between us, we've been through too much to get hung up on this stupid fight any longer than we already have.
I couldn't agree more.
And what you did turning it down, well, I appreciate it.
But you helped me achieve my dream of opening a dance studio.
I can put up with people trolling me on Twitter another few months if it means you get Passions of Steve on the air.
Are you sure? Because they're also really mean to you on Instagram.
(chuckles softly) I'm strong enough.
Well okay then.
It's going to be a kinder, gentler version.
No more Evil Ex.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which, for the record, he fully intended.
I just have to accept now that I'll still see Darci.
Yeah, I'm sorry stuff got so bad with you guys, with all the fertility problems.
We didn't have fertility problems.
I couldn't go through with it.
I just kept thinking, I'm not ready to be tied to her.
Permanently.
Which Darci didn't take too well.
Should we go, hon? I just thought I was further along, you know? It's been three years.
I thought by now I'd be able to listen to the message without crying.
Why? You are where you are, right? You know, I think I'm starting to see the upside of Zen Rafael.
Yeah.
You're kind of my best friend, you know that? Yeah, I know.
And speaking of where we are Mateo needs a shadow.
He acts out, he has impulse control issues, and we need to accept that and get him help and support, which, luckily, we can afford.
You're right.
(both chuckle) Mi amor.
How long are you gonna keep tucking me in, hmm? (chuckles softly) (door shuts) (beep) MICHAEL: Hey, it's me.
I'm sorry I'm late.
- I'll be home in ten minutes.
- (crying) I stopped to buy an orange.
O-Okay, a dozen oranges.
I know what we said about buying street fruit, so I'm just preparing you for a lot of oranges.
Okay, bye.
PETRA: And it's a brand-new day.
And a brand-new hotel! (cheering and applause) (indistinct chatter) Thank you.
You're the reason this wasn't a disaster.
Just supporting.
This is all you.
Still not ready to step back in full-time? No.
No, not yet.
I tell him all the time he should.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, wow.
I almost forgot about Rafael's girlfriend, Abbey.
Which maybe is significant.
But that's for another day.
What the hell? We broke ground on the on the clubhouse eight months ago, right? Yeah.
Why? Well, the timeline doesn't add up.
I started sleeping with Chuck six months ago.
He couldn't have changed the blueprints.
You didn't do it.
Like I told you.
Why did you sign the easement? I think you know why, Petra.
Well, thank you.
And I'm sorry about all the mean things I said.
And thought.
Mm-hmm.
I assume the fact that your hand is now on my ass is your way of saying you accept my apology? Let's make it quick.
I got plans early tomorrow.
(moans) Who's ready for a pirate treasure hunt? (cheering) I, Swashbuckling Shawn, must confess, I've buried some treasure at this address.
I need your helping hand finding my loot on this here land.
Look until the sky is starry.
Yo ho ho, you won't be sorry.
- (cheering) - JANE: I'm sorry.
I didn't ask for your help with Mateo because Well, it made me feel like I failed him as a parent.
Like I let my sadness get in the way, and that's why he's acting out.
Yeah, no kidding.
And I've been waiting to tell you that's just completely ridiculous.
Look, I don't know how you did it, but you have been an incredible mother.
And I know.
I've seen you once a week for the past two years.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which was true, for the record.
(children giggling) You won't ruin them.
I promise.
Trust me, I worry about that, too.
(scoffs) (sighs) I do.
So let's check in on each other, okay? Once a week.
We'll get the kids together, because they're siblings, and we'll just make sure that everything's okay.
You don't have to do this.
I don't like to be pitied, okay? Are you serious? Don't make me pull the widow card.
I need this, too, okay? And then, the rest of the week, we'll never speak of it.
Fine.
(clears throat) Brunch.
On Saturdays.
Which, for the record, they did.
Every single Saturday.
Come rain or come shine.
I'm remembering Alba's words right now, how Jane's life will be beautiful again, in different ways.
- This way! - (children shouting, whooping) Aye, he's found something! (cheering) Hmm.
I can't see far, I can't see yonder.
What might be blockin' this, I wonder.
(gasps) It is my pleasure to tell you the treasure is hidden in a place where the sea meets the land.
That's right, children.
I'm talking the sand! (cheering) Shh! - (clinking) - Hey! - Yes.
- (children giggling) Yes, I can hear you.
Okay.
Yes.
Thank you.
Okay, so, yeah, so, um, we'll be in touch.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! A publisher wants to buy my novel about Michael.
- Oh, my God.
- Wait, what? (chuckles) - Oh, m - That's incredible.
Mommy's got a book deal! - Yay! - Yay! High five! High five! I told you you got this.
GIRL: I got it! I got it! It is our duty to unlock that booty! (grunts) And now we must set that there treasure free by finding that pesky old skeleton key.
But how? By where? What's that? Over there! To Michael.
ALL: To Michael! Cheers! To avoiding the curse of Davy Jones' Locker.
Oh, my God.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: What is it? What? What? What? We need to get to the beach, right now.
(gulls calling) Uh-oh, mateys, it looks as if the black spot was placed on dear old Scott.
(lightning crashing)
" So, let's start with the good, shall we? Jane got a dream job, working for a high-powered publisher and her mom had recently reunited with her old flame, Bruce, and she was feeling it.
Oh, and Jane's father? Well, he had fallen for his matchmaker, Darci, and agreed to star in her reality show during his break from telenovelas.
Oh, and speaking of telenovelas, remember Petra and her twin sister, Anezka? Well, Petra wanted Anezka out of the country.
Only Anezka married Scott.
And on the topic of family drama, Rafael recently found out his parents - weren't really his parents.
- Wow.
But before he knew that, he'd covered up his late father's art theft.
So, he came clean to the police.
And they cut him a deal, which included jail time.
And at first, Petra was all No! I reject your defeat.
But, ultimately, she changed her mind.
Whatever you want to do, you do.
I want a clean slate.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And now, for the worst of times.
You'll recall, Jane married Michael.
But then, this happened.
And he seemed to recover.
Until (gasps) (crying): How did you do it, Abuela? (Mateo laughs) (exhales deeply) - No - Mm-hmm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And so, little by little, they did.
(sighs) Mateo, hurry up.
I'm ready, Mom.
Shoes.
Come on, sweetie, we don't want to be late for the wedding.
(magical chimes) You got this.
Hmm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But don't feel bad for her.
She's got this.
Her words, not mine.
MATEO: No clothes! - (Mateo laughing) - MATEO: No! (Alba groans) (Mateo laughs) Abuela, no more yelling, remember? We have a new system.
(Mateo laughing) Mateo, put your clothes back on right now.
No, I want to build a fort.
- (claps) - That's one clap of thunder, Mateo.
Now put your clothes back on right now.
Fort, fort, fort.
That's two claps of thunder, Mateo.
MATEO: No! No more thunder! Then put your clothes back on so that we can go.
No.
No.
No! Fort jump! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, no.
Don't tell me Mr.
Sweetface's face is now the only sweet thing about him.
That's three claps of thunder, Mateo.
No, you're a bad head! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Bad head? That's the best you can do? Okay, that's it.
It's a rainy day.
No, I don't want it! (thunder claps) (yelling) (yelling continues) (sighs) MATEO: Fort, fort, fort! Mm-hmm.
Mateo, get off the couch right now.
No, I hate you! You're the worstest mommy in the whole world! (Mateo yelling) Well, that's too bad.
You're stuck with me.
We can't wait much longer to start the ceremony.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yep, that's right.
Rogelio's the one getting married.
Just one more minute, Jane will be here.
I'll stall as long as I can, but she's going full bridezilla.
I know what you're thinking.
Who's the lucky bridezilla? Huh? Ugh! Mateo, give me my phone.
We need to leave.
- Come - (grunts) (grunting) ("Here Comes the Bride" begins playing) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yep.
That's right.
He's marrying Darci.
Ugh! This is a very rainy day, do you hear me, Mateo? A very rainy day.
And when I look at you, it's like I won the lottery, and the payouts will last a lifetime.
Oh, no! Jane is missing Rogelio's freaking wedding! But I also got it in one lump sum.
The lump sum of your love.
(whispering): Oh, God.
No, no, no.
Ooh, cut! (sighs) Jane's here! (bell ringing) JANE: I'm so sorry, Dad, Darci.
That's fine.
That was just for the master.
We still have a bunch of other angles to shoot.
Okay.
(sighs) Is that kid gonna keep it together? No! You do not talk about Matelio, you diabolical shrew.
- - I thank God every day that I never had a baby with you.
And I thank God I never tarnished my DNA by co-mingling it with yours.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: So yeah.
That true love shtick? Strictly for the cameras.
Sorry, we're just tweaking the lighting, folks.
Enjoy a little promo reel.
(music playing) CHEESY REALITY SHOW NARRATOR: He came in looking for a match.
But it turned out, the match was her.
TV NARRATOR: Nothing could tear them apart.
Aah! (chuckles) Not even fertility problems.
You're my baby.
Or even scarier, his evil ex.
(shrieks) This is (bleep) ridiculous! You've got to be (bleep) kidding me with this (bleep)! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which brings us to Yep.
The evil ex.
(grunts) Why do they keep showing that stupid clip? It's completely out of context.
I had just spilled hot coffee on myself.
I know, hon.
Just be glad the show is finally ending.
(moans) Thank God.
It'll be nice to go outside again without getting harassed.
How dare you mess with Dargelio! - (grunts) - (screams) On the plus side, you have gotten a lot of free publicity for the new dance studio.
(scoffs) Free publicity is not worth being named one of BuzzFeed's Ten Most Notorious Reality Show Villains.
Oh, and Rogelio RSVP'd yes, so we're skipping the Marbella's grand re-opening.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yep.
You heard that right.
Wait'll you see the brand new Marbella! That'll put a smile on your face.
Why is no one smiling? This is supposed to be the second happiest place on Earth.
Families are coming here for luxurious fun.
I don't care if a customer is stabbing you with a fork.
You keep smiling.
Perfect.
Now get back to work.
(sighs) Come on, girls.
You're gonna demo the new pirate treasure hunt.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
Those are some well-behaved little girls.
I didn't even realize they were there.
Oh, no.
The little man is gonna behave.
We have a new system.
Don't worry.
Please, Mommy, let him come.
Ahoy, mateys! To the beach we go.
Ow! Mateo! It's all right.
I know Mateo's just playing.
Take Pammy the Parrot with you.
Aye, Captain.
Now, the most important part of our treasure hunt is to avoid our dastardly villain.
Chuck.
Ah, yes, Chuck Chesser.
What are you doing here? Just wanted a word about your Critter Cage.
I already told you, we're not moving the Kids' Club.
Not sure you got a choice, darlin'.
Petra.
Look, I'm just here to give you a friendly neighborhood heads-up.
Heard you got a problem with your final inspection.
(scoffs) What? (chuckles) No, that can't be right.
INSPECTOR: He's right.
You have a problem.
The structure is five feet over the property line, which means you can't get your certificate of occupancy for your Kids' Clubhouse.
Uh, the grand opening is in five days, so that's not an option.
Either tear it down or get an easement from your neighbor.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I'll remind you, friends, that neighbor is the scallywag Chuck.
- (chuckles) - Just breathe.
Freaking out isn't gonna help.
Look who's staying all calm in the face of a crisis.
What's that about? I don't need Zen Rafael right now, okay? (scoffs) Who the hell goes to prison and comes out softer? It was prison.
He got mellow in prison! And I knew that.
I was just messing with you.
I'm not trying to be Zen, just reasonable.
I don't need reasonable! I need to come up with a plan! "I," not "we"? I'm letting her take the lead.
The hotel's succeeding because of her rebranding idea.
How do you know it's succeeding? It hasn't even opened yet.
We started taking reservations last week, and we are booked solid, six months out.
Oh, wow.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, that is impressive.
Anyways, Petra's gonna deal with the whole easement thing, so I'm not gonna stress about it.
Okay, Zen Rafael.
I buy one pair of linen pants And grow the world's worst beard.
Why does everyone hate the beard? Except Mateo.
(sighs) Hey, if I'm nervous about his parent-teacher conference tomorrow, then you must be at a nine.
Closer to a ten thousand.
Just try to breathe.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Don't wear linen pants a-and say good night to Abbey.
Will do.
Jane says good night.
Hmm.
Is Jane okay? Yeah.
Just nervous.
Hmm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
The big preschool evaluation.
I am so pleased to tell you how much sharing, cooperation, and, well, all around good behavior we've been seeing lately.
Not to mention kindness.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
Looks like they had nothing to worry about.
You have every reason to be so proud of Ellie and Anna.
Oh, thank you again.
So much, Mrs.
Taub.
Oh, no.
Thank you, truly.
They are such a joy.
Oh.
(sighs) Good luck.
Mateo definitely has a very sweet side.
But he also has some impulse control issues, which, I know, we discussed when we admitted him a few months ago.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Right.
Jane and Rafael decided he needed more structure after the terrible twos stretched to the friggin' fours.
We know that adjusting to a new school can be difficult.
And we empathize.
Thank you so much.
But his behavior's disrupting class, so we would like you to get him an aide.
Excuse me? A shadow.
To follow him around and help him, and us, when he acts up.
I know, it's hard to hear, but we have enlisted the help of aides for other children with behavioral issues, and we've had great results.
It just feels so drastic.
Do you really think that's necessary? If he wants to stay at the school, then yes.
(thunder rumbles) Good.
This is good.
She gave us two weeks to whip him into shape.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Translation: Jane begged.
- We can do it.
- Hmm.
An aide is just too extreme.
And, of course, it goes without saying LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But here she is saying it.
- Please, don't tell - Hello, hello.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yep.
That's right.
Petra is the queen of The Marbella and queen of the preschool.
How was the conference? - Great.
- It went well.
Oh.
Whew.
Good.
I have to say I feel a little bit responsible, since I pulled all those strings to get Mateo in.
Which, again, we really appreciate.
- Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.
- (laughing): Hey.
Mateo, the girls were just about to have a snack.
Would you like some mini carrots, too? Mateo, say thank you.
- Carrots yuk.
- (gasps) Mateo.
We don't throw.
Hey.
You stop that right now.
That is unacceptable behavior.
Petra.
We talked about this.
Please don't discipline my son.
Well, someone has to.
(clears throat) Okay.
I should go.
- Okay.
Uh, we'll see you later.
- Hmm? We're taking the twins to ice cream 'cause they tied for "Best Helper" in class.
Two weeks in a row.
Great.
So happy for them.
Good job, girls.
Thank you, Auntie Jane.
We'll share with Mateo.
Awesome.
Okay.
I have to go to work.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
Work.
Remember Jane's dream job' with the dream boss? Well, over the past few years, that dream boss became The Alvarado manuscript? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: a nightmare.
Yep.
Here you go.
With the edits.
The first round of edits, not the second.
Fine.
So one of the writers dropped out of Miami's Ones to Read.
Really? Uh, so-so there's an open slot? Yes.
Let me know which ones I should bother to read and which would make me gouge my eyes out.
So I'm gonna submit my novel.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: You'll recall we left Jane working on a novel about her Abuela.
Miami One to Read.
Don't get too excited.
Who knows if she'll pick it.
- Agreed.
- (door opens) Hi, all.
Hey, what are you doing here? They invited me.
What are you doing here? Beyond the fact that we love you both, do you know what a giant pain in the ass it is to have you two not speaking? Scheduling separate dinners every week.
Well, re-shoots.
Nope.
No way.
Not happening.
(scoffs) - That's one.
- What was that? Oh, come on.
If you two are gonna act like children, then we're gonna treat you like children.
Go.
Make up.
That's two.
As I have told you 1,000 times before, I am very, very sorry about the way you were portrayed on the De Le Vega-Factor Factor, but I didn't know.
And I had no say in it.
You're a producer.
Everybody that works in television is a producer.
(bowling pins falling) You knew they were gonna portray me like that.
- I didn't.
- You did.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: This is nose-diving fast.
So I don't know what else to say to convince you.
But the bottom line is that the show is over.
So please, can we just put it behind us? I've missed you.
Yes.
Okay, let's try.
"And Olivia gives her a kiss back and says, 'I love you anyway, too.
'" Mommy? Yes, Mr.
Sweetface.
I'm sorry I'm a bad boy.
Mateo, you are not a bad boy.
Don't ever say that.
You are a good boy who does things he shouldn't do sometimes.
But everyone does things they shouldn't do sometimes.
Like Olivia in the story when she painted on the walls? Yeah.
She should have asked her mommy and used her words.
I try to remember to use my words, but sometimes I just forget.
I know.
I love you, Mommy.
I love you, too, Mateo.
- Oh.
- You're the best mommy in the world.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah.
If only everyone could see this side of him.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, Jane is researching.
Some things never change.
Okay.
Time's up.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But some things do.
Okay.
My plan is to track Mateo's meltdowns for a week to see if there any triggers to get to the root of the problem.
Okay.
My plan is martial arts.
Did you get that plan from Petra? No.
It's from me.
I like what Ellie and Anna get from it.
And research says that it teaches discipline and that it's really great for overactive kids like Mateo.
Okay.
So we have a two-pronged plan.
Track his meltdowns and martial arts.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
Admire his commitment to late modern Florida bro-chic with classic douche accents.
I need your signature on this easement.
Ooh.
No can do.
You know how I feel about that kids club.
Screeching rodents are gonna kill the sensual vibe of my adults-only pool.
Move that little brat bin to the other side of your property.
That's ridiculous; you know the tides there are way too dangerous for kids.
On the other hand, overpopulation is a major concern.
Look.
I'm a reasonable person, so how about this? We split the cost of moving your pool.
(laughs) Shut down my pool during peak season? You couldn't pay me enough.
Well, I'm not moving my clubhouse.
Great.
Then I'm gonna tear it down.
Oh, we'll see about that.
That conclude our business here? 'Cause I got ten minutes to kill before my next meeting.
Fine, but this is the last time.
And wipe those greasy hands first.
(clothes rustling, zipper unzips) - (Chuck grunts) - (Petra moans) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah.
So let's give them some privacy.
(bell dings) SENSEI: Okay, class, stand up.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
Martial arts.
Fingers crossed it helps.
(Sensei instructing in Japanese) SENSEI: All right.
Now close your eyes.
Mateo.
Pay attention, Mateo.
Stand still.
I can't.
I have the wiggles.
Of course you can.
You're only as weak as you think you are.
You're only as strong as you choose to be.
Now, stand perfectly still.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: You can do this, Mateo.
As still as a tree in the forest.
- Sir, yes, sir.
- Sir, yes, sir.
SENSEI: All right, everyone.
Let's begin.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
Look at that.
(Sensei instructs in Japanese) Punch, kick.
PETRA: I'm ready for a fight.
And I am more than willing to play dirty.
Tell me more.
I did a little research.
Turns out those lobsters you love so much? The ones that have been on your hotel's secret menu for the past month? Mmm.
Granny-slapping good.
Whatever that means.
They're also illegal.
It's off-season for the spiny lobster in Florida.
And each poaching violation can get you up to six months in jail, plus your fishing boat can get impounded.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Uh-oh.
Petra's lobster claws are coming out.
- Really? - And if you don't sign this easement, I will turn you in.
So, as our wildlife commissioner says (laughs): Wow.
Now you're gonna quote Uncle Bobby? What? Florida wildlife commissioner's my Uncle Bobby.
And I'll clear up any violations when I see him at poker night.
Thanks, though.
Okay.
Good.
Okay, this is good.
She just tweeted that her green tea latte is #LiquidZen.
And Lena Dunham just faved it.
Go.
Go.
Okay.
I'm going.
Don't be scared, but don't be too confident.
Remember, Jane, you're as strong as you choose to be.
(knocks lightly) What? Well I've never asked you for anything, uh, but, well sometimes in life, certain opportunities come up and you have to go after those things, and I think this might be - one of those times.
- Just give me the logline.
Will you read my work and consider me for the seventh showcase slot? Sure.
Anything else? No.
Thank you.
Strong move, Jane! Hi-yah! The strength of your love nourishes my body and my soul, Rogelio.
DIRECTOR: And cut! Why won't you even consider it? Because I want the show over.
And we get how you feel, Rogelio, we really do, but, uh, the ratings keep rising.
Then get another gorgeous fool to play her husband.
Because there's no way in a million, gazillion, trillion years Trillion is less than a gazillion.
- What? - If you're building, - it's million, trillion - You see, this is why - gazillion! - This is why I don't want to do it! Everybody just calm down, okay? Rogelio, just answer me one question, okay? Hmm? Would this change your mind? Ah, yes The American version of The Passions of Santos.
You'll recall this was a passion project of Rogelio's.
You have six months to get famous enough to star in the American version, or you have to go beg Rob Lowe to come back.
The network is prepared to green-light The Passion of Steve if you just give us one more year of The De La Vega-Factor Factor.
Let's do it.
This country needs a Latino president, and you're just the man to play one on TV.
And if she likes my book, I mean I don't even want to think about it.
She's gonna love it.
Trust me.
I've read it.
You okay? Yeah.
Yeah, it's just I don't get how everyone made such a big mistake with the construction plans.
I mean, no one noticed they were going five feet over? It doesn't make sense.
What? You're engaging a little.
Oh, don't make it a thing.
- Oh, it's definitely a thing.
- MATEO: Mommy! - Daddy! - BOTH: Aw What's wrong, sweetie? Jackson's having his birthday party, and everyone's invited but me.
Aw.
Honey, I'm sure it's a misunderstanding.
Hey.
So, this is awkward, uh, but Mateo didn't get an invite to Jackson's party.
And I'm sure it's just 'cause he's new, so No, it's because he hit Jackson last week.
And we wrote an apology card.
And he's in martial arts, so that's helping.
I'm sorry, we can't have that sort of behavior at Jackson's party.
Look, I'm sure this school has a policy about inviting all the kids.
- We actually don't.
- Well, that's crazy.
Take it up with the PTA.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And, of course, the president of said PTA is Petra.
Yeah, Astrid told me about the birthday.
And look, Jane does not want my pity.
Or help.
She's made that very clear over the years.
You're wrong, and you're getting Mateo invited.
But that is not why I'm here.
I went back to the original plans and look right there.
That 8 used to be a 3.
Someone tampered with it so we'd build the kids' club over the property line and have to take it down.
Who would do that? And how would they gain access to the blueprints? Uh, there are some greasy fingerprints along the edges.
PETRA (moaning): Oh, Chuck (moaning, gasping) RAFAEL: Wait.
You and Chuck? Stop.
It's embarrassing enough, okay? It's just with all the stress of remodeling and opening the Marbella hate sex with him was my only escape.
Well, that's not as bad as when I thought you were sleeping with Scott.
(groans) Don't remind me.
Hey, whatever happened to that guy anyway? Good point.
I haven't seen him since I am done with you! You are fired! You can't fire me.
What the hell is that? That's the amendment to Emilio Solano's will.
You burn me, I burn you.
Who knows? After he and Anezka split, he moved away.
Look, this is my mistake.
I'll fix it.
And speaking of fixing things Well, it's a good thing that Jackson's mom found your invitation.
And her manners.
But listen to me, it is very important that you are on your tippy-top best behavior.
- Sir, yes, sir! - Oh! - (phone chimes) - Mwah! Mwah! Ugh.
Work.
Oh, my God.
Was your boss mean again? No.
Mateo, she was really nice.
She she just picked Mommy's book for a special reading! - Yay, Mommy! - Yay, Mommy! Yay, Mateo! (gasps) It's party time.
BOTH (chanting): It's party time! It's party time! It's party time! Which brings us here.
Now.
Uh, gentle, okay? Good boy.
(phone chimes) Ha-ha-ha! - Hey, I got him, I got him.
- Uh, keep him away from the sugar He can't handle it.
You know, I really wish you'd keep your opinions to yourself.
N-Nothing ever stops you from giving yours.
Well, I don't make critical remarks about your kids.
JACKSON'S MOM: All right, everyone gather around for cake! Yes, that's because my kids behave.
My son's behavior is none of your business.
Of course it's my business I'm the reason you're here.
What? - Cake! - Rafael.
Did you ask Petra for help? Yes, I did.
Because he's my son, and I wanted him here.
- You should have told me.
- You would have said no.
Exactly! Because we don't need pity.
Hi-yah! - (gasps) - (kids laughing) Yeah.
See, I beg to differ.
Hon, put it out of your head.
You apologized.
Now, come on.
This is your night.
Ah, yes.
Welcome to the glittering Miami literary scene.
Be right back.
Professor Donaldson.
Hi.
Thanks for coming.
Well, I was in the area.
Yeah, right.
You're my mentor, okay? So stop acting like you're not.
Well you know I love this book.
So (sighs) Thanks for pushing me to write it.
Big night.
(exhales) Xo? What is it? Your fake wife tweeted about the third season.
(sighs) Well, it's not true.
She's trying to pressure me.
What? The network offered to green-light The Passions of Steve in exchange for another season.
But I turned them down.
It's not worth it.
I won't put you through another year of that.
Can everyone please find a seat? All right, I'm here.
How can I help you, darlin'? By telling the truth.
- (chuckles): What? - I know you did this.
Did what? Altered the blueprints.
And I won't hesitate to call the cops unless you sign this easement.
Petra, I did not do that.
I know you did.
And I staked everything on this renovation.
Everything.
Not just my reputation.
It's my vision.
It's my gift to my daughters.
It's mine.
It's the first thing, actually, that's truly mine I didn't marry it, I didn't steal it, I made it And now you're trying to take it all away.
(quietly): I knew it.
Now, get out of here.
Almost done.
You're up in five, Jane.
So this might be the moment to tell you that though we left Jane working on a novel about her Abuela, that is not the novel Jane finished.
That's right.
The book she finished was about her love story with Michael.
With an important change.
In the book, they got their "happily ever after.
" It was a romance novel, after all.
(phone chimes) RAFAEL: Yes, you can.
No, I can't.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I-I can't stand there and read a book about Michael in front of a bunch of strangers.
(crying laugh) I thought I could.
Or maybe that I should.
But I can't.
Rafael, I can't do it.
(sniffles) It just feels like like You're giving a piece of him away? - Yeah.
I totally get that.
- (faint applause) And we can talk about it later.
Now, stop crying, and get out there.
What? I'm serious.
This is too important.
So wipe up those tears.
Wipe them up right now! Later you can cry all you want, but right now you need to pull yourself together.
Get out there and read your damn book.
What happened to Zen Rafael? And if you don't, I'm taking back two Sundays.
(exhales) (whispers): You wouldn't.
Try me.
WOMAN: You ready? (exhales) (shuddering inhale) (exhales) âChapter One.
âKnowing what would happen, âthe heartbreak, the tears, âthe love, the hope, the betrayal, âthe heartbreak âyes, âit was always the heartbreak.
âWould she do it over? âAnd she knew, âthe answer was yes because of how it all ended.
â (sniffles) (shuddering breaths) (exhales) âBut I'm getting ahead of myself â (applause) - (howls) - Bravo! (Rafael howls) We, Mom.
We.
We're family, Rogelio.
And no matter what's happened between us, we've been through too much to get hung up on this stupid fight any longer than we already have.
I couldn't agree more.
And what you did turning it down, well, I appreciate it.
But you helped me achieve my dream of opening a dance studio.
I can put up with people trolling me on Twitter another few months if it means you get Passions of Steve on the air.
Are you sure? Because they're also really mean to you on Instagram.
(chuckles softly) I'm strong enough.
Well okay then.
It's going to be a kinder, gentler version.
No more Evil Ex.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which, for the record, he fully intended.
I just have to accept now that I'll still see Darci.
Yeah, I'm sorry stuff got so bad with you guys, with all the fertility problems.
We didn't have fertility problems.
I couldn't go through with it.
I just kept thinking, I'm not ready to be tied to her.
Permanently.
Which Darci didn't take too well.
Should we go, hon? I just thought I was further along, you know? It's been three years.
I thought by now I'd be able to listen to the message without crying.
Why? You are where you are, right? You know, I think I'm starting to see the upside of Zen Rafael.
Yeah.
You're kind of my best friend, you know that? Yeah, I know.
And speaking of where we are Mateo needs a shadow.
He acts out, he has impulse control issues, and we need to accept that and get him help and support, which, luckily, we can afford.
You're right.
(both chuckle) Mi amor.
How long are you gonna keep tucking me in, hmm? (chuckles softly) (door shuts) (beep) MICHAEL: Hey, it's me.
I'm sorry I'm late.
- I'll be home in ten minutes.
- (crying) I stopped to buy an orange.
O-Okay, a dozen oranges.
I know what we said about buying street fruit, so I'm just preparing you for a lot of oranges.
Okay, bye.
PETRA: And it's a brand-new day.
And a brand-new hotel! (cheering and applause) (indistinct chatter) Thank you.
You're the reason this wasn't a disaster.
Just supporting.
This is all you.
Still not ready to step back in full-time? No.
No, not yet.
I tell him all the time he should.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, wow.
I almost forgot about Rafael's girlfriend, Abbey.
Which maybe is significant.
But that's for another day.
What the hell? We broke ground on the on the clubhouse eight months ago, right? Yeah.
Why? Well, the timeline doesn't add up.
I started sleeping with Chuck six months ago.
He couldn't have changed the blueprints.
You didn't do it.
Like I told you.
Why did you sign the easement? I think you know why, Petra.
Well, thank you.
And I'm sorry about all the mean things I said.
And thought.
Mm-hmm.
I assume the fact that your hand is now on my ass is your way of saying you accept my apology? Let's make it quick.
I got plans early tomorrow.
(moans) Who's ready for a pirate treasure hunt? (cheering) I, Swashbuckling Shawn, must confess, I've buried some treasure at this address.
I need your helping hand finding my loot on this here land.
Look until the sky is starry.
Yo ho ho, you won't be sorry.
- (cheering) - JANE: I'm sorry.
I didn't ask for your help with Mateo because Well, it made me feel like I failed him as a parent.
Like I let my sadness get in the way, and that's why he's acting out.
Yeah, no kidding.
And I've been waiting to tell you that's just completely ridiculous.
Look, I don't know how you did it, but you have been an incredible mother.
And I know.
I've seen you once a week for the past two years.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which was true, for the record.
(children giggling) You won't ruin them.
I promise.
Trust me, I worry about that, too.
(scoffs) (sighs) I do.
So let's check in on each other, okay? Once a week.
We'll get the kids together, because they're siblings, and we'll just make sure that everything's okay.
You don't have to do this.
I don't like to be pitied, okay? Are you serious? Don't make me pull the widow card.
I need this, too, okay? And then, the rest of the week, we'll never speak of it.
Fine.
(clears throat) Brunch.
On Saturdays.
Which, for the record, they did.
Every single Saturday.
Come rain or come shine.
I'm remembering Alba's words right now, how Jane's life will be beautiful again, in different ways.
- This way! - (children shouting, whooping) Aye, he's found something! (cheering) Hmm.
I can't see far, I can't see yonder.
What might be blockin' this, I wonder.
(gasps) It is my pleasure to tell you the treasure is hidden in a place where the sea meets the land.
That's right, children.
I'm talking the sand! (cheering) Shh! - (clinking) - Hey! - Yes.
- (children giggling) Yes, I can hear you.
Okay.
Yes.
Thank you.
Okay, so, yeah, so, um, we'll be in touch.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! A publisher wants to buy my novel about Michael.
- Oh, my God.
- Wait, what? (chuckles) - Oh, m - That's incredible.
Mommy's got a book deal! - Yay! - Yay! High five! High five! I told you you got this.
GIRL: I got it! I got it! It is our duty to unlock that booty! (grunts) And now we must set that there treasure free by finding that pesky old skeleton key.
But how? By where? What's that? Over there! To Michael.
ALL: To Michael! Cheers! To avoiding the curse of Davy Jones' Locker.
Oh, my God.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: What is it? What? What? What? We need to get to the beach, right now.
(gulls calling) Uh-oh, mateys, it looks as if the black spot was placed on dear old Scott.
(lightning crashing)