Jane the Virgin (2014) s03e16 Episode Script
Chapter Sixty
1 LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Okay, here we go.
Let's start with our Jane.
As a child her grandmother taught her to protect her flower.
And so Jane waited to have sex until she married Michael.
And then, well you know.
Yeah.
I still miss him, too.
But it's been three years, and since then, Jane wrote a novel about their love story.
And she recently decided she was ready to date again.
Also ready to date, Alba.
See, she was crushing on her coworker Jorge, and guess what.
He asked her out.
And as for Rafael, well, he'd recently gotten closer to his ex-wife Petra.
In fact, he was downright into her, lately.
Only problem, Petra was dating Chuck, the owner of the hotel next door.
Plus, Petra had other problems.
See, her former employee, Scott, died on the grounds of the Marbella.
And Scott used to be married to her twin sister Anezka.
But Anezka was long gone, and according to Petra, they were no longer in touch.
But here's the thing Petra was lying.
And the cops were on to her.
Oh, and speaking of crime, you'll recall Rafael's sister Luisa was dating Eileen, but Eileen is really her old girlfriend, Rose, aka the crime lord Sin Rostro.
I know, straight out of a Telenovela, right? And speaking of telenovelas, Rogelio got a huge new part playing someone very tiny.
Unfortunately, he felt chilly about his new costar Fabian.
But Jane was positively hot for him.
I know, right? I'm getting the tingles, too.
So let's get busy, people.
Ah, lust! Jane Gloriana Villanueva would never forget the first time she felt it.
MAN (on TV): Magdalena.
(woman moaning) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Unfortunately, she was sitting between her mother - and grandmother at the time.
- (woman moans) Más! Más! Más! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, I'm uncomfortable, too.
I'm gonna do some homework.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: So, yeah, they clearly didn't want to talk about it.
But, oh, how times have changed.
- - Tell me everything.
About what? Come on, you're clearly crushing on Fabian.
I am not.
I am reading an article about how underboob is the new side boob.
Oh, please.
You've been finding the most ridiculous excuses to go see your father on set.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: True, for the record.
You forgot your sides at home.
We shot this yesterday.
(sexy music plays) JANE: Más Más Más Fine.
I may have a small crush in that he may excite me in a superficial way.
So make a move.
Mom, he dated Miss Universe, Shakira's backup dancer, and Gisele Bundchen's twin.
For someone who's not interested, - you sure know a lot about him.
- I'm just saying that I'm not his type.
And-and he's not my type.
Maybe not to date.
But what about a fling? You ever open to that? With him? Oh, yeah.
(laughs) (woman moans) So, just casual sex? No strings.
Why not, right? I mean, I waited.
I did it.
But now, like, everything's changed, and, you know, what Oh.
(clears throat) She says with an extra helping of guilt.
Not everyone wants to be celibate, Mom.
Hey, how did Jorge take it? Hmm? When you told him you weren't gonna have sex.
- Oh, my God, you didn't tell him.
- Ma.
JANE: No kidding.
Would you like me to give you the advice you gave me? No.
Need a flower to destroy in your angry fist? Oh.
- (phone ringing) - Oh.
Hey, Jeremy, what's up? Wait, what? So that's it? A big part of writing is knowing when to put the pen down.
Pen down.
I love it.
The plot really moves, the emotional payoff is huge and it's romantic as all hell.
Ah.
I can't believe I'm done.
Well, not done.
Writing's only the half of it, right? Now the fun part begins.
We gotta drop it like it's hot.
- I'll bring the pot holder.
- Great.
I set up a meeting with the marketing and PR departments So they can figure out how to market it to booksellers and audiences.
- That's amazing.
- I know.
Anyway, what's up? Why'd you call? Ah, it's terrible timing.
- What is? - Luisa's coming in tomorrow.
And we're pushing up our annual shareholder meeting.
Yeah, no problem.
I'll keep Mateo till she's gone.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Can't blame them for being a little skittish around the ex-girlfriend of the woman who kidnapped their son.
I'm sorry for messing up the schedule.
I just wish she would give us notice for once.
- (knocking on door) - It's fine.
I'll talk to you later.
Thank you, Jane.
Bye.
So we set? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know what you're thinking.
Are we finally going to find out what this shady dude is up to? - Yup, Luisa's suite is bugged.
- And she won't find anything? No way.
I went in through Petra's vent.
But trust me, if Rose tries to get in touch with your sister, we'll know.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yup.
Elvis isn't an ex-con or a maintenance man; he's Raf's private eye.
That explains a lot.
Or rather, I just explained it.
Good.
My family will never feel completely safe until Rose is locked up for good.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know, straight out of a Telenovela, right? Also known as a scientist.
Again, scientist.
DIRECTOR: And cut! Fantastic.
It must be nice not to have to worry about your body anymore.
Sometimes I feel like a sex object.
It must be very hard for you.
- Not really, no.
- So listen, Ro, do you want a stunt double for when you swing from her hair? Well, I-I-I'd be happy to do it.
I was an award-winning stunt double before I discovered my talent and passion for acting.
Rogelio De la Vega does his own stunts, thank you very much.
You're very welcome.
Selfie? Yeah? ELLIE: No more pictures.
We're just taking a test.
For the Gifted and Talented program.
That's a big deal! Critters.
I see critters.
(laughing): Oh.
Oh, now, why are my legs so heavy? Did I step in something? I didn't know the girls were hanging out with Chuck.
What happened to our six-month rule? You waited six months to tell them about Abbey and then broke up with her anyway.
Besides, they only know Chuck as Mommy's friend.
Hmm.
Hey, girls, who's this guy? Mommy's boyfriend.
Smoochie, smoochie.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well, they are gifted and talented.
Not again.
I already told you guys everything I know.
DANA: Yeah, well, unfortunately, there are a couple of holes in your story.
JANE: My story.
Me, 90 seconds.
That's all they need for the PR meeting.
A snapshot to help sell the book.
Well, you can start practicing now with Fabian.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
Jane and her wing mom.
Don't worry.
I have a plan.
What are those? FABIAN: Oh, my God.
Goji berries! I love those so much! Are you serious? They're, like, my favorite snack.
No way.
What a coincidence.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Or the result of a deep dive - Internet search.
- Have one, please.
Look at this.
My hair is a mess, my forehead is shiny, I'm holding a doughnut, and he didn't even use a filter.
- You look fine.
- Exactly.
"Fine.
" Fabian is clearly sabotaging me.
- What? - He's trying to get in my head.
First he comments on my weight, then on my ability to do my own stunts.
I am telling you, this is an All About Eve situation.
Are you sure you're not overreacting? This is exactly what happened in my Telenovela, No Eres Tú, Yo Soy Yo, Somos Nosotros.
One character tries to sabotage another character? What? No, I did it in real life.
Have you ever heard of Eduardo Espinosa? - No.
- Exactly.
What? Wh-Wh-Wh? Why is Jane giggling like that? Take a deep breath.
She might have a little crush.
That's ridiculous.
Jane would never be interested - in that throw pillow.
- Why do you think she's been making excuses to come see you all week? First he goes after my stunt, and now my daughter? Fasten your seat belt, it's going to be a bumpy afternoon.
FABIAN: So I massage my kale - for half an hour with olive oil.
- Wow.
That's amazing.
I think super foods are just so super.
(laughs) Excuse me, may I talk to my daughter privately? Dad, where are we what? Dad, what are you? Dad, what is your problem? My problem is that you've been pretending to come visit me to ogle Fabian's bee-stung lips.
That's right.
Your mother told me all about your unholy mega-crush on Fabian.
And I forbid it.
(gasps) See, Dad, look around.
Actual walls for privacy! I am sorry, Jane.
I didn't mean for Fabian to overhear.
I'm just concerned.
The guy's a total playboy.
I just don't want you to get your heart broken! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I don't think Jane's thinking about her heart.
I know but I'm an adult.
I can handle myself.
Fine.
I'll talk to Fabian and make things better.
No! Dad, you need to stay out of it and let me handle it.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, I bet you'll handle it, Jane.
- Jane! - (laughs) Oh, uh, sorry.
Forgot something.
So embarrassed.
(sighs) Ay.
Better.
What's up? I just wanted to clear that up.
I do not have a crush on you.
My dad is a little overprotective.
Well, don't worry.
I totally understand.
You're his little daughter.
Not little.
Well, then again, I'm tiny on the show.
- We need you in your fitting.
- Well, bye, Jane.
I'm bringing you those chia seeds tomorrow, eh? - You're gonna die.
- Oh.
Right.
Cool! Actually, the opposite of die.
You're gonna live super extra long! Oh.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Stop leering, Jane.
You, too, Alba.
(groans) Ay.
(whipping) Stop it, both of you! I am so, so sorry.
Let's go.
Hmm.
Hmm.
(gasping) Jorge.
- - (chuckles) (sighs) DANA: No.
We're not done.
Your client's story isn't true.
We tapped her computer.
- Is that legal? - With a subpoena, yes.
Which we got after finding out that you had just scooched Mr.
Archuletta's bones over to Mr.
Chesser's property.
DENNIS: You said you didn't know where your sister was, and you lied.
You've been e-mailing her.
- You don't have to say anything.
- It's fine.
I've been sending her money.
Yes, but it's just to keep her away.
It has nothing to do with Scott.
And I didn't tell you earlier because, well, it's a personal family drama between us.
DENNIS: Well, we need to question Anezka.
So you need to convince her to return to Miami.
I'd really prefer not to.
Oh.
Well, it's your choice.
Of course, if you don't, we'll charge you with obstructing a police investigation.
On account of lying to us.
Oh, and the bones.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And speaking of criminal enterprises You remember Luisa, right? And of course, her girlfriend, Eileen, who, you'll recall, is actually Which makes Luisa EILEEN: Do you like them? Yes, thank you.
Well, you Lou so good in linen.
LUISA: And (rolling her tongue) These are for Mateo.
Mm.
I want my nephew to know that he has an auntie that loves him, even if I'm not allowed to see him.
Even though he wouldn't exist if it wasn't for me.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, I wouldn't brag about that, Dr.
Alver.
I'm just going through some personal problems.
And these are for the twins.
Mm.
Who I also hope to meet very soon.
Yes.
Great.
We'll see.
So, Raf, we saw a bunch of cops around outside.
What's that about? They're investigating Scott's death.
I thought it was an accident.
Yeah, well, now they're not so sure.
Did you? (mouths) You know how hard it is for me to fall asleep when I'm not in my own bed, so I got this contraption that makes wave sounds.
(loud wave sounds playing) (whispering): Of course I did not kill Scott.
(quietly): Oh, we were here right around then.
Are you saying it was just a coincidence? Yes, because we were together that whole trip.
We sent away the real Eileen, and then we made love.
There was no time for me to have murdered him.
But you did leave the room once.
Remember? I had to stop having sex and then take a shower 'cause the lotion we were using gave me a rash? And then we figured we might as well get some Chinese? And then, while I showered, you went to get the food.
No, I was going to go pick up the Chinese food, but we ended up having it delivered, and the concierge brought it up to us.
Because at that point, the oil was starting to bother me, too, remember? (sighs) And this is why I hate coming to the Marbella, because we always start fighting.
I know.
You're right.
We need to switch rooms, just in case.
In case what? In case the cops are here because of us and your room is wired.
You're being paranoid.
So, yes, I was strongly influenced by the telenovelas I grew up watching.
But also by the romance novels I grew up reading.
And I think you feel both influences in my book.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Relax, Jane.
You have a whole two seconds of wiggle room.
You're gonna crush this meeting.
So, you probably want to hear a little about me.
Where to start? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: You're spiraling, Jane.
You've practiced enough.
Play chapter three.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Good, yes.
A nice, juicy novel will help you relax.
MAN: Chapter three: selling yourself.
Let's start with posture.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oy.
Imagine a string attached to the crown of your head, pulling upward.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which brings us here now.
So, you probably want to hear a little about me.
Oh, stop.
We know all about you.
The artificial insemination, the virgin birth, the kidnapping, your husband's tragic death.
Oh, wow.
Well, it's an amazing backstory, and the fact that it's all thinly veiled in there Well, it gives us a real angle to market.
Right.
Yes.
Uh, here's the thing.
I know it's a wild story, but I actually think that if it's out there, it would kind of take over.
And it was pretty traumatic, so I don't really want to talk about any of that publicly.
- What? - I just want to stick to the book.
Answering questions like process, influences.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Remember the string, Jane.
Uh, it's sort of a combination of the telenovelas that I watched growing up, plus the American But if you talk about your life, we can get you interviews.
Print, radio.
The Miami book fair's this weekend.
Maria Semple is moderating.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, my God! One of her favorite authors! And mine.
Okay, freaking out a little.
Come on, Jane.
I'm sorry.
I really want the work to stand on its own.
Okay, well, uh, I think we have all the info we need.
We'll confer and then get back to you about the size of the initial print run.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
All in under 90 seconds.
I know everyone's upset.
But we hadn't talked about that past stuff.
I didn't think it was a secret.
I mean, is that why you wanted to publish my book? No.
I liked your writing.
And I realized the marketing team could sell you.
It's all connected.
Listen, it is what it is.
I still love your writing, and I think people are gonna buy it.
It's just, the print run is not as big as I had hoped.
What's the number? 10,000 copies.
Oh.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Not great, FYI.
How are my chances of getting into that book fair? What's your social media presence? Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter followers? You know not as many as I'd like.
(sighs) Too bad.
A big social media following makes them think you'll draw attendees, which is what the organizers are after.
How many followers do I need to get into the fair? 20K, minimum, but there's no way in hell you're gonna get that many followers that quickly.
I happen to have a social media expert in my family.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Now that's a Twitter feed! Jane, hi! Don't worry.
I assure you I am not here to see you.
I just came to get help from my dad.
Oh, he pulled a muscle doing a stunt.
No, he's fine.
He's just having an emergency massage.
Oh.
(clears throat) - Is everything okay? - Yeah.
I just need his help getting Twitter followers for this book fair.
A book fair? Oh, does that mean that you're an author? I am.
How did I not know that? - I have a book coming out, too.
- You wrote a book? - Every word of it.
- Wow.
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
- Hey, since you have a little time while your dad's getting a massage, maybe you'd like to go grab a cup of coffee? I would love to find out more about you and your book.
Sure.
I'd like that.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hmm.
Perhaps he's interested after all.
Oh.
Hi.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: He sure is.
Hey.
Just came by to check on you and drop off some backpacks.
Hey, how'd your call with Anezka go? Fine.
I, uh, bought her a ticket, promised I'd buy her an electric bike.
She's on her way.
You okay? Yeah.
It'll be fine.
She'll answer some questions, then leave.
Oh, come on.
It's got to be traumatic to see her again.
Did you call your therapist? CHUCK: She don't need to call her.
We talked about it a bunch.
She's fine.
Appreciate the input, Chuck.
But, you know, you weren't around when Anezka was here.
Well, Petra told me all about her.
Yeah, that's that's not really the same as actually being here.
No.
It's better.
You know, you're not living in the past.
Look, I'm I'm not living in the past.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Huh.
Well, this feels familiar, doesn't it? - You done? - LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah.
- Sorry.
- Great.
I appreciate your concern.
But I can handle my sister.
(phone dings) ELVIS: Your sister switched rooms.
Apparently the cannons for the pirate tour can be heard from their suite.
What do you want me to do? All right, I'll shut off their AC.
You go repair it and put in a bug.
FABIAN: I must hear everything.
Tell me all about your book.
Oh.
Well, it's a romance novel.
Of course it is.
Yeah.
It takes place in 1902.
Wh Yes, yes, yes.
Such a good year.
Such a good year.
Oh, you know it? Well, if you chose it it must be great.
Oh.
(chuckles) Tell me about your book.
Uh, it's-it's a memoir.
To help my fans understand the real me.
Not just the shirtless doctor under a waterfall, or the shirtless detective under a waterfall, or shirtless serial killer under a waterfall.
Can you pass the sugar? Oh, sure.
I can't believe you're doing this! After everything we've been through! - Excuse me? - You broke my heart, Jane Villanueva.
I'm done.
(shutters continue clicking) - (exclaims) - Shh, shh.
It's okay.
- It's me, Fabian.
- (exclaims) That was incredible, no? They're gonna think - that you're my lady for sure.
- Who will? All the paparazzi I tipped off.
You say you needed more Twitter followers to sell your book, and now you'll have them.
My fans will hate-follow you instantly.
You you did that so I could get more Twitter followers? Exactly.
For the book fair.
Oh Oh, that's that's kind of sweet.
(chuckles) Thanks.
Uh, will you tell your dad for me? Excuse me? Oh, he's my hero.
Only I keep putting my foot in my mouth every time I'm around him.
Mm.
Will you put in a good word for me? Uh, tell him that I tried to help you? Sure.
No problem.
So (chuckles) Hey, Dad.
Feeling better? So much better.
I am refreshed and reenergized and ready to help you with all things social media.
#Let'sDoThis.
Actually, Fabian already helped me.
- Huh? - Dad.
(exhales) I'm sorry.
I know I'm not allowed to say anything bad to you about Fabian.
It's just he's been a little hard on me.
What are you talking about? He worships you.
- What? - Yeah.
(scoffs) For a second I thought he liked me and I got all excited.
But trust me: it's all you.
I have to say, I'm a little tired of everybody being so happy that Fabian isn't into me.
What happened to my choice is my choice? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, with that big helping of guilt.
Wait for it.
What? Hmm.
Abuela, I'm so sorry.
On the other hand, meaningless sex with me would be so hot, Jane.
- Oh.
- EILEEN: It's so stinking hot in here.
(sighs) - - Well, no wonder.
The AC is broken.
- - I'm gonna call the front desk and I'm gonna have 'em come fix it.
Don't you think it's a little suspicious? - That the AC is broken? - Right after we happen to switch rooms? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well, she's not a criminal mastermind for nothing.
(phone dings) Aha you see? You see that? - You're being paranoid.
- Maybe.
But I am not leaving - this room unattended.
- Well (sighs) Then what am I supposed to tell Rafael? I don't know what to tell you except it blows.
I couldn't get the book fair to bite.
But you said if I had 20,000 followers I know, but my team did analytics on your followers, and they're all from Latin America, which won't convert to book sales till it's translated to Spanish, which it won't be if the first print run tanks.
Ugh.
I-I'm sorry.
I'm just frustrated.
Yeah.
Me, too.
(sighs) So here's my frustration.
If you look up to me so much, why would you assume I need a stunt double? And why would you take that dig at me about not needing to take my shirt off anymore? No, those-those weren't digs.
I swear.
All I meant was that the show would fall apart if you got hurt.
Without you, the show is nothing.
Just my abs.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I'd binge it.
So this isn't an All About Eve situation? Um, I-I don't know who Eve is.
But I'm all about you, man.
(chuckles) I-I worship you.
Ever since I was a little kid, I That's enough about that.
And no more using my daughter and toying with her feelings.
- Jane? - Yes.
She's brilliant and beautiful, with the soul of Gandhi and the talent of Shakespeare.
But you do not mess with her emotions.
You don't have to worry She said she didn't like me.
(short chuckle) Okay.
General rule: when you look like we do, you can never rule that out.
Ah! I get it.
(laughs) I understand.
Thank you.
Hey, uh, you want to get our nails done after work? We're gonna be climbing that hair all week.
That means a lot of hand acting.
Actually, I can't.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hmm.
Rogelio's never turned down a good, clear polish before.
JANE: "A polished and lively debut"? Something like that? I just need a quick blurb about my book, anything would help.
From me? I'm flattered.
Well sort of more from your well-known writer friends.
You're kind of blurb-adjacent.
Oh, I see how it is.
You only come when you need a favor.
That is not true.
I am here every week.
- - Yeah.
But, yes, I do happen to need one today.
The publisher only ordered 10,000 copies.
Ooh.
I know.
Actually, you're probably the one person who will understand this, but I am trying to fight for my art.
- What do you mean? - Well, I could get them to print more copies and give a bigger marketing budget if I agree to talk about my whole crazy backstory.
But of course I said no, because I want my book to stand on its own.
Oh, don't be an idiot.
- What? - I was once like you, so full of integrity.
Oh You know what being precious about your art gets you? And there's a storage locker in Boca with the other 7,000 unsold copies.
Trust me.
Sell it with everything you've got.
'Cause you don't get a second debut novel.
- Hey, Jeremy, it's Jane.
- Oh, hi, Jane.
I've decided that the marketing people can sell the book however they want.
What? You serious? Just get me into the book fair, okay? On it, yes.
LUISA: What's wrong? I just I thought Eileen was joining us for dinner.
It's my fault.
I forgot that her guru is in town for a one-night-only breathing circle.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Okay, good.
So she's still out of the room.
- - Oh, two virgin daiquiris.
You're on your phone.
- Already.
- What are you doing? Well, clearly, you only like hanging out with me when I'm with Eileen.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Quick, get her to sit back down! That's not true.
It's not.
Hey, the last couple years, things have been really good with us.
Good enough for me to see your kids? It's worth having a longer conversation about.
(sighs) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Good job, Raf.
(sighs) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, my God, I can't take this.
I don't even know if I'm rooting for him to catch her or not.
What the hell?! I'm so sorry, ma'am.
- Ever heard of knocking? - There was a complaint - about the AC on the floor.
- Go! Go! This is so humiliating.
(door closes) JANE: "Straight out of a Telenovela.
"That's what comes to mind when you hear "Jane Villanueva's story.
"And all that and more is poured into this vibrant - "and lively debut.
" - So you're really doing it? It's "on the book fair Web site" official.
The more you talk about Michael, the easier it will get.
Hmm.
I know.
It already is.
I'm scared.
(sniffles) I don't I just I don't want Michael to be an anecdote, you know? Something that once happened.
(exhales) (sighs) (sighs) And this book is part of that process because I wrote the happily ever after I never got.
Your real life story sounds so crazy.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: OMG, I can't believe it.
- - First Britney, then Bruno, - - now Maria Semple? The accidental pregnancy, the kidnapping.
You talked about your late husband.
How much of the rest made it into the book? Let's just say there's a lot in there.
- Thinly veiled.
- Any hesitation talking about this stuff? Oh, yeah.
Tons.
Because with writing comes exposure, and with exposure comes vulnerability.
And there are all these stages of exposing yourself.
First with writing the book.
Then marketing it.
Uh, and the last is people reading the book.
That's important, because otherwise I'd just be writing in my diary.
So please go buy the book.
Please, please.
(laughter) (chuckles) (romantic Spanish song playing) Mommy, I want to read your book.
When you're older, Mr.
Sweetface.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Much, much older.
I've read it.
It's racy.
Sorry to interrupt, but I just had to say hello.
- Oh, hello.
- My friend works at a publishing house and got me an advance copy of your book.
I loved it so much.
Wow, really? You're the first person who's read it who I don't know.
I didn't get out of my pajamas until I finished.
You are making my life right now.
Can I take a picture with you? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Is Jane fangirling out - on her first fan? - Only if you agree to sign this for me.
You want my autograph? Mm-hmm.
(exhales excitedly) Aw.
I am passing the baton.
JANE: I mean it was only three autographs, but it was kind of awesome.
And I can't believe I'm even saying that.
Good, you deserved it.
Celebrate in your room tonight with this.
Don't be gross.
I'm over Fabian.
He texted and said he'd come to the book fair, and then he bailed on me.
Fame is my new lover.
(doorbell rings) (exhales) Oh, can we talk? Fabian, what are you doing here? I (grunts) Oh.
I I couldn't stop thinking about you after the book fair.
You were there? Why didn't you say hello? I was too nervous.
- What? - Your words were so incredible.
What you said about being exposed, it-it really spoke to me.
And I think you'll see why when you read my book.
Oh.
I can't wait to open it.
- That's my book.
- Yeah, you just said.
(clears throat) Also, I spoke to your dad, and I told him that I was coming here and that I wanted to ask you out.
- (grunts) - He said it's okay.
He did? Is that what's happening? It is.
(gasps) Will you go on a date with me, Jane Villanueva? I would love to.
(romantic Spanish song playing) (record scratches) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, this is really happening.
I guess the sprinklers are just on timers.
- So, what time does Anezka get in? - Noon.
Okay, girls.
Have a great day at school.
I'll come get you after martial arts.
ELLIE: Bye, Mommy.
Okay, come on.
Come on.
(chuckles) Call me if you need anything.
Okay, so, when are we gonna have a talk about the fact that your ex still has the hots for you? (chuckles) What? - No, he doesn't.
- Yes, he does.
And if you can't see it, you're blinder than a bat in a chimney fire.
Stop.
You're being ridiculous.
Um (sighs) ROGELIO: I heard the great news.
They upped your book order.
Well, it's only 5,000 more copies.
But it's something.
Oh, and you're here to see Fabian.
Wait, he said he spoke to you.
Of course.
Of course, yes.
Go to him.
You okay, Dad? O-Oh, yes.
I just have to accept that I'm no longer the only Telenovela star in your life.
Hey.
You're still the main one, okay? (chuckles) You're a great actor, Rogelio.
- I know.
Thank you.
- But you can't fool me.
What's really going on? It's just hard thinking about Jane dating someone new.
And I know it's not fair.
I know she has to move on.
No, it's okay.
I just don't want to start getting Mani-pedis with Fabian.
Michael was my best friend.
I really loved him.
And I still think about him every single day.
I know.
A-And I never want to burden Jane.
I know that, too.
Thank you for telling me.
- Mm-hmm.
- And trust me Fabian is not taking Michael's place.
Actually, Abuela, technically they aren't selfies.
They're stills from his snaps.
Mmm.
(laughs) What's with all the giggling? We're reading Fabian's book.
"Chillin' in Capri pants in Capri.
#CapriToBeYouAndMe.
" LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hey, he wrote that himself.
- Let's give him some credit.
- Oh, my God.
Let me see it.
Oh, my God.
(gasps) Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR; Aw, what a difference 20 years makes.
(sighs) You may have to be married to have sex, Abuela, but I do not.
And trust.
- I am gonna hit this.
- (gasps) (Jane and Xiomara laugh) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Also about to get screwed? Anezka should have landed by now.
Okay, calm down.
She's not that late.
I can't calm down.
You have no idea what she's capable of doing.
Why isn't she answering? She's probably just getting her luggage.
No.
Something is off.
- You're wrong.
- I am not.
And I am sick of being cooped up in this sweaty room.
So I am going to put my face back on, and then we are going to leave.
No.
What? I don't want to leave.
I'm finally having a breakthrough with Rafael, and I might meet his kids.
Well we can't stay.
Please.
I'm leaving, Luisa.
Are you coming with me? PETRA: Hello? ANEZKA: Sister.
Anezka, where are you? You were supposed to get in a cab and come straight to the Marbella.
Well, I couldn't do that because when I got off the plane, the police were arresting me.
Wait, what? You said they were just going to ask questions and then I would get electric bike.
Yeah, well that's what they said.
I'm in jail, Petra.
No.
No, no, no.
That That wasn't the deal.
No, they promised it was just questions.
Well, you better fix this, or I will tell them all what I know.
And then you, sister, will be in orange jumpsuit with me.
Let's start with our Jane.
As a child her grandmother taught her to protect her flower.
And so Jane waited to have sex until she married Michael.
And then, well you know.
Yeah.
I still miss him, too.
But it's been three years, and since then, Jane wrote a novel about their love story.
And she recently decided she was ready to date again.
Also ready to date, Alba.
See, she was crushing on her coworker Jorge, and guess what.
He asked her out.
And as for Rafael, well, he'd recently gotten closer to his ex-wife Petra.
In fact, he was downright into her, lately.
Only problem, Petra was dating Chuck, the owner of the hotel next door.
Plus, Petra had other problems.
See, her former employee, Scott, died on the grounds of the Marbella.
And Scott used to be married to her twin sister Anezka.
But Anezka was long gone, and according to Petra, they were no longer in touch.
But here's the thing Petra was lying.
And the cops were on to her.
Oh, and speaking of crime, you'll recall Rafael's sister Luisa was dating Eileen, but Eileen is really her old girlfriend, Rose, aka the crime lord Sin Rostro.
I know, straight out of a Telenovela, right? And speaking of telenovelas, Rogelio got a huge new part playing someone very tiny.
Unfortunately, he felt chilly about his new costar Fabian.
But Jane was positively hot for him.
I know, right? I'm getting the tingles, too.
So let's get busy, people.
Ah, lust! Jane Gloriana Villanueva would never forget the first time she felt it.
MAN (on TV): Magdalena.
(woman moaning) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Unfortunately, she was sitting between her mother - and grandmother at the time.
- (woman moans) Más! Más! Más! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, I'm uncomfortable, too.
I'm gonna do some homework.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: So, yeah, they clearly didn't want to talk about it.
But, oh, how times have changed.
- - Tell me everything.
About what? Come on, you're clearly crushing on Fabian.
I am not.
I am reading an article about how underboob is the new side boob.
Oh, please.
You've been finding the most ridiculous excuses to go see your father on set.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: True, for the record.
You forgot your sides at home.
We shot this yesterday.
(sexy music plays) JANE: Más Más Más Fine.
I may have a small crush in that he may excite me in a superficial way.
So make a move.
Mom, he dated Miss Universe, Shakira's backup dancer, and Gisele Bundchen's twin.
For someone who's not interested, - you sure know a lot about him.
- I'm just saying that I'm not his type.
And-and he's not my type.
Maybe not to date.
But what about a fling? You ever open to that? With him? Oh, yeah.
(laughs) (woman moans) So, just casual sex? No strings.
Why not, right? I mean, I waited.
I did it.
But now, like, everything's changed, and, you know, what Oh.
(clears throat) She says with an extra helping of guilt.
Not everyone wants to be celibate, Mom.
Hey, how did Jorge take it? Hmm? When you told him you weren't gonna have sex.
- Oh, my God, you didn't tell him.
- Ma.
JANE: No kidding.
Would you like me to give you the advice you gave me? No.
Need a flower to destroy in your angry fist? Oh.
- (phone ringing) - Oh.
Hey, Jeremy, what's up? Wait, what? So that's it? A big part of writing is knowing when to put the pen down.
Pen down.
I love it.
The plot really moves, the emotional payoff is huge and it's romantic as all hell.
Ah.
I can't believe I'm done.
Well, not done.
Writing's only the half of it, right? Now the fun part begins.
We gotta drop it like it's hot.
- I'll bring the pot holder.
- Great.
I set up a meeting with the marketing and PR departments So they can figure out how to market it to booksellers and audiences.
- That's amazing.
- I know.
Anyway, what's up? Why'd you call? Ah, it's terrible timing.
- What is? - Luisa's coming in tomorrow.
And we're pushing up our annual shareholder meeting.
Yeah, no problem.
I'll keep Mateo till she's gone.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Can't blame them for being a little skittish around the ex-girlfriend of the woman who kidnapped their son.
I'm sorry for messing up the schedule.
I just wish she would give us notice for once.
- (knocking on door) - It's fine.
I'll talk to you later.
Thank you, Jane.
Bye.
So we set? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know what you're thinking.
Are we finally going to find out what this shady dude is up to? - Yup, Luisa's suite is bugged.
- And she won't find anything? No way.
I went in through Petra's vent.
But trust me, if Rose tries to get in touch with your sister, we'll know.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yup.
Elvis isn't an ex-con or a maintenance man; he's Raf's private eye.
That explains a lot.
Or rather, I just explained it.
Good.
My family will never feel completely safe until Rose is locked up for good.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know, straight out of a Telenovela, right? Also known as a scientist.
Again, scientist.
DIRECTOR: And cut! Fantastic.
It must be nice not to have to worry about your body anymore.
Sometimes I feel like a sex object.
It must be very hard for you.
- Not really, no.
- So listen, Ro, do you want a stunt double for when you swing from her hair? Well, I-I-I'd be happy to do it.
I was an award-winning stunt double before I discovered my talent and passion for acting.
Rogelio De la Vega does his own stunts, thank you very much.
You're very welcome.
Selfie? Yeah? ELLIE: No more pictures.
We're just taking a test.
For the Gifted and Talented program.
That's a big deal! Critters.
I see critters.
(laughing): Oh.
Oh, now, why are my legs so heavy? Did I step in something? I didn't know the girls were hanging out with Chuck.
What happened to our six-month rule? You waited six months to tell them about Abbey and then broke up with her anyway.
Besides, they only know Chuck as Mommy's friend.
Hmm.
Hey, girls, who's this guy? Mommy's boyfriend.
Smoochie, smoochie.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well, they are gifted and talented.
Not again.
I already told you guys everything I know.
DANA: Yeah, well, unfortunately, there are a couple of holes in your story.
JANE: My story.
Me, 90 seconds.
That's all they need for the PR meeting.
A snapshot to help sell the book.
Well, you can start practicing now with Fabian.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
Jane and her wing mom.
Don't worry.
I have a plan.
What are those? FABIAN: Oh, my God.
Goji berries! I love those so much! Are you serious? They're, like, my favorite snack.
No way.
What a coincidence.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Or the result of a deep dive - Internet search.
- Have one, please.
Look at this.
My hair is a mess, my forehead is shiny, I'm holding a doughnut, and he didn't even use a filter.
- You look fine.
- Exactly.
"Fine.
" Fabian is clearly sabotaging me.
- What? - He's trying to get in my head.
First he comments on my weight, then on my ability to do my own stunts.
I am telling you, this is an All About Eve situation.
Are you sure you're not overreacting? This is exactly what happened in my Telenovela, No Eres Tú, Yo Soy Yo, Somos Nosotros.
One character tries to sabotage another character? What? No, I did it in real life.
Have you ever heard of Eduardo Espinosa? - No.
- Exactly.
What? Wh-Wh-Wh? Why is Jane giggling like that? Take a deep breath.
She might have a little crush.
That's ridiculous.
Jane would never be interested - in that throw pillow.
- Why do you think she's been making excuses to come see you all week? First he goes after my stunt, and now my daughter? Fasten your seat belt, it's going to be a bumpy afternoon.
FABIAN: So I massage my kale - for half an hour with olive oil.
- Wow.
That's amazing.
I think super foods are just so super.
(laughs) Excuse me, may I talk to my daughter privately? Dad, where are we what? Dad, what are you? Dad, what is your problem? My problem is that you've been pretending to come visit me to ogle Fabian's bee-stung lips.
That's right.
Your mother told me all about your unholy mega-crush on Fabian.
And I forbid it.
(gasps) See, Dad, look around.
Actual walls for privacy! I am sorry, Jane.
I didn't mean for Fabian to overhear.
I'm just concerned.
The guy's a total playboy.
I just don't want you to get your heart broken! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I don't think Jane's thinking about her heart.
I know but I'm an adult.
I can handle myself.
Fine.
I'll talk to Fabian and make things better.
No! Dad, you need to stay out of it and let me handle it.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, I bet you'll handle it, Jane.
- Jane! - (laughs) Oh, uh, sorry.
Forgot something.
So embarrassed.
(sighs) Ay.
Better.
What's up? I just wanted to clear that up.
I do not have a crush on you.
My dad is a little overprotective.
Well, don't worry.
I totally understand.
You're his little daughter.
Not little.
Well, then again, I'm tiny on the show.
- We need you in your fitting.
- Well, bye, Jane.
I'm bringing you those chia seeds tomorrow, eh? - You're gonna die.
- Oh.
Right.
Cool! Actually, the opposite of die.
You're gonna live super extra long! Oh.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Stop leering, Jane.
You, too, Alba.
(groans) Ay.
(whipping) Stop it, both of you! I am so, so sorry.
Let's go.
Hmm.
Hmm.
(gasping) Jorge.
- - (chuckles) (sighs) DANA: No.
We're not done.
Your client's story isn't true.
We tapped her computer.
- Is that legal? - With a subpoena, yes.
Which we got after finding out that you had just scooched Mr.
Archuletta's bones over to Mr.
Chesser's property.
DENNIS: You said you didn't know where your sister was, and you lied.
You've been e-mailing her.
- You don't have to say anything.
- It's fine.
I've been sending her money.
Yes, but it's just to keep her away.
It has nothing to do with Scott.
And I didn't tell you earlier because, well, it's a personal family drama between us.
DENNIS: Well, we need to question Anezka.
So you need to convince her to return to Miami.
I'd really prefer not to.
Oh.
Well, it's your choice.
Of course, if you don't, we'll charge you with obstructing a police investigation.
On account of lying to us.
Oh, and the bones.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And speaking of criminal enterprises You remember Luisa, right? And of course, her girlfriend, Eileen, who, you'll recall, is actually Which makes Luisa EILEEN: Do you like them? Yes, thank you.
Well, you Lou so good in linen.
LUISA: And (rolling her tongue) These are for Mateo.
Mm.
I want my nephew to know that he has an auntie that loves him, even if I'm not allowed to see him.
Even though he wouldn't exist if it wasn't for me.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, I wouldn't brag about that, Dr.
Alver.
I'm just going through some personal problems.
And these are for the twins.
Mm.
Who I also hope to meet very soon.
Yes.
Great.
We'll see.
So, Raf, we saw a bunch of cops around outside.
What's that about? They're investigating Scott's death.
I thought it was an accident.
Yeah, well, now they're not so sure.
Did you? (mouths) You know how hard it is for me to fall asleep when I'm not in my own bed, so I got this contraption that makes wave sounds.
(loud wave sounds playing) (whispering): Of course I did not kill Scott.
(quietly): Oh, we were here right around then.
Are you saying it was just a coincidence? Yes, because we were together that whole trip.
We sent away the real Eileen, and then we made love.
There was no time for me to have murdered him.
But you did leave the room once.
Remember? I had to stop having sex and then take a shower 'cause the lotion we were using gave me a rash? And then we figured we might as well get some Chinese? And then, while I showered, you went to get the food.
No, I was going to go pick up the Chinese food, but we ended up having it delivered, and the concierge brought it up to us.
Because at that point, the oil was starting to bother me, too, remember? (sighs) And this is why I hate coming to the Marbella, because we always start fighting.
I know.
You're right.
We need to switch rooms, just in case.
In case what? In case the cops are here because of us and your room is wired.
You're being paranoid.
So, yes, I was strongly influenced by the telenovelas I grew up watching.
But also by the romance novels I grew up reading.
And I think you feel both influences in my book.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Relax, Jane.
You have a whole two seconds of wiggle room.
You're gonna crush this meeting.
So, you probably want to hear a little about me.
Where to start? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: You're spiraling, Jane.
You've practiced enough.
Play chapter three.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Good, yes.
A nice, juicy novel will help you relax.
MAN: Chapter three: selling yourself.
Let's start with posture.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oy.
Imagine a string attached to the crown of your head, pulling upward.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which brings us here now.
So, you probably want to hear a little about me.
Oh, stop.
We know all about you.
The artificial insemination, the virgin birth, the kidnapping, your husband's tragic death.
Oh, wow.
Well, it's an amazing backstory, and the fact that it's all thinly veiled in there Well, it gives us a real angle to market.
Right.
Yes.
Uh, here's the thing.
I know it's a wild story, but I actually think that if it's out there, it would kind of take over.
And it was pretty traumatic, so I don't really want to talk about any of that publicly.
- What? - I just want to stick to the book.
Answering questions like process, influences.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Remember the string, Jane.
Uh, it's sort of a combination of the telenovelas that I watched growing up, plus the American But if you talk about your life, we can get you interviews.
Print, radio.
The Miami book fair's this weekend.
Maria Semple is moderating.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, my God! One of her favorite authors! And mine.
Okay, freaking out a little.
Come on, Jane.
I'm sorry.
I really want the work to stand on its own.
Okay, well, uh, I think we have all the info we need.
We'll confer and then get back to you about the size of the initial print run.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
All in under 90 seconds.
I know everyone's upset.
But we hadn't talked about that past stuff.
I didn't think it was a secret.
I mean, is that why you wanted to publish my book? No.
I liked your writing.
And I realized the marketing team could sell you.
It's all connected.
Listen, it is what it is.
I still love your writing, and I think people are gonna buy it.
It's just, the print run is not as big as I had hoped.
What's the number? 10,000 copies.
Oh.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Not great, FYI.
How are my chances of getting into that book fair? What's your social media presence? Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter followers? You know not as many as I'd like.
(sighs) Too bad.
A big social media following makes them think you'll draw attendees, which is what the organizers are after.
How many followers do I need to get into the fair? 20K, minimum, but there's no way in hell you're gonna get that many followers that quickly.
I happen to have a social media expert in my family.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Now that's a Twitter feed! Jane, hi! Don't worry.
I assure you I am not here to see you.
I just came to get help from my dad.
Oh, he pulled a muscle doing a stunt.
No, he's fine.
He's just having an emergency massage.
Oh.
(clears throat) - Is everything okay? - Yeah.
I just need his help getting Twitter followers for this book fair.
A book fair? Oh, does that mean that you're an author? I am.
How did I not know that? - I have a book coming out, too.
- You wrote a book? - Every word of it.
- Wow.
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
- Hey, since you have a little time while your dad's getting a massage, maybe you'd like to go grab a cup of coffee? I would love to find out more about you and your book.
Sure.
I'd like that.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hmm.
Perhaps he's interested after all.
Oh.
Hi.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: He sure is.
Hey.
Just came by to check on you and drop off some backpacks.
Hey, how'd your call with Anezka go? Fine.
I, uh, bought her a ticket, promised I'd buy her an electric bike.
She's on her way.
You okay? Yeah.
It'll be fine.
She'll answer some questions, then leave.
Oh, come on.
It's got to be traumatic to see her again.
Did you call your therapist? CHUCK: She don't need to call her.
We talked about it a bunch.
She's fine.
Appreciate the input, Chuck.
But, you know, you weren't around when Anezka was here.
Well, Petra told me all about her.
Yeah, that's that's not really the same as actually being here.
No.
It's better.
You know, you're not living in the past.
Look, I'm I'm not living in the past.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Huh.
Well, this feels familiar, doesn't it? - You done? - LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah.
- Sorry.
- Great.
I appreciate your concern.
But I can handle my sister.
(phone dings) ELVIS: Your sister switched rooms.
Apparently the cannons for the pirate tour can be heard from their suite.
What do you want me to do? All right, I'll shut off their AC.
You go repair it and put in a bug.
FABIAN: I must hear everything.
Tell me all about your book.
Oh.
Well, it's a romance novel.
Of course it is.
Yeah.
It takes place in 1902.
Wh Yes, yes, yes.
Such a good year.
Such a good year.
Oh, you know it? Well, if you chose it it must be great.
Oh.
(chuckles) Tell me about your book.
Uh, it's-it's a memoir.
To help my fans understand the real me.
Not just the shirtless doctor under a waterfall, or the shirtless detective under a waterfall, or shirtless serial killer under a waterfall.
Can you pass the sugar? Oh, sure.
I can't believe you're doing this! After everything we've been through! - Excuse me? - You broke my heart, Jane Villanueva.
I'm done.
(shutters continue clicking) - (exclaims) - Shh, shh.
It's okay.
- It's me, Fabian.
- (exclaims) That was incredible, no? They're gonna think - that you're my lady for sure.
- Who will? All the paparazzi I tipped off.
You say you needed more Twitter followers to sell your book, and now you'll have them.
My fans will hate-follow you instantly.
You you did that so I could get more Twitter followers? Exactly.
For the book fair.
Oh Oh, that's that's kind of sweet.
(chuckles) Thanks.
Uh, will you tell your dad for me? Excuse me? Oh, he's my hero.
Only I keep putting my foot in my mouth every time I'm around him.
Mm.
Will you put in a good word for me? Uh, tell him that I tried to help you? Sure.
No problem.
So (chuckles) Hey, Dad.
Feeling better? So much better.
I am refreshed and reenergized and ready to help you with all things social media.
#Let'sDoThis.
Actually, Fabian already helped me.
- Huh? - Dad.
(exhales) I'm sorry.
I know I'm not allowed to say anything bad to you about Fabian.
It's just he's been a little hard on me.
What are you talking about? He worships you.
- What? - Yeah.
(scoffs) For a second I thought he liked me and I got all excited.
But trust me: it's all you.
I have to say, I'm a little tired of everybody being so happy that Fabian isn't into me.
What happened to my choice is my choice? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, with that big helping of guilt.
Wait for it.
What? Hmm.
Abuela, I'm so sorry.
On the other hand, meaningless sex with me would be so hot, Jane.
- Oh.
- EILEEN: It's so stinking hot in here.
(sighs) - - Well, no wonder.
The AC is broken.
- - I'm gonna call the front desk and I'm gonna have 'em come fix it.
Don't you think it's a little suspicious? - That the AC is broken? - Right after we happen to switch rooms? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well, she's not a criminal mastermind for nothing.
(phone dings) Aha you see? You see that? - You're being paranoid.
- Maybe.
But I am not leaving - this room unattended.
- Well (sighs) Then what am I supposed to tell Rafael? I don't know what to tell you except it blows.
I couldn't get the book fair to bite.
But you said if I had 20,000 followers I know, but my team did analytics on your followers, and they're all from Latin America, which won't convert to book sales till it's translated to Spanish, which it won't be if the first print run tanks.
Ugh.
I-I'm sorry.
I'm just frustrated.
Yeah.
Me, too.
(sighs) So here's my frustration.
If you look up to me so much, why would you assume I need a stunt double? And why would you take that dig at me about not needing to take my shirt off anymore? No, those-those weren't digs.
I swear.
All I meant was that the show would fall apart if you got hurt.
Without you, the show is nothing.
Just my abs.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I'd binge it.
So this isn't an All About Eve situation? Um, I-I don't know who Eve is.
But I'm all about you, man.
(chuckles) I-I worship you.
Ever since I was a little kid, I That's enough about that.
And no more using my daughter and toying with her feelings.
- Jane? - Yes.
She's brilliant and beautiful, with the soul of Gandhi and the talent of Shakespeare.
But you do not mess with her emotions.
You don't have to worry She said she didn't like me.
(short chuckle) Okay.
General rule: when you look like we do, you can never rule that out.
Ah! I get it.
(laughs) I understand.
Thank you.
Hey, uh, you want to get our nails done after work? We're gonna be climbing that hair all week.
That means a lot of hand acting.
Actually, I can't.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hmm.
Rogelio's never turned down a good, clear polish before.
JANE: "A polished and lively debut"? Something like that? I just need a quick blurb about my book, anything would help.
From me? I'm flattered.
Well sort of more from your well-known writer friends.
You're kind of blurb-adjacent.
Oh, I see how it is.
You only come when you need a favor.
That is not true.
I am here every week.
- - Yeah.
But, yes, I do happen to need one today.
The publisher only ordered 10,000 copies.
Ooh.
I know.
Actually, you're probably the one person who will understand this, but I am trying to fight for my art.
- What do you mean? - Well, I could get them to print more copies and give a bigger marketing budget if I agree to talk about my whole crazy backstory.
But of course I said no, because I want my book to stand on its own.
Oh, don't be an idiot.
- What? - I was once like you, so full of integrity.
Oh You know what being precious about your art gets you? And there's a storage locker in Boca with the other 7,000 unsold copies.
Trust me.
Sell it with everything you've got.
'Cause you don't get a second debut novel.
- Hey, Jeremy, it's Jane.
- Oh, hi, Jane.
I've decided that the marketing people can sell the book however they want.
What? You serious? Just get me into the book fair, okay? On it, yes.
LUISA: What's wrong? I just I thought Eileen was joining us for dinner.
It's my fault.
I forgot that her guru is in town for a one-night-only breathing circle.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Okay, good.
So she's still out of the room.
- - Oh, two virgin daiquiris.
You're on your phone.
- Already.
- What are you doing? Well, clearly, you only like hanging out with me when I'm with Eileen.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Quick, get her to sit back down! That's not true.
It's not.
Hey, the last couple years, things have been really good with us.
Good enough for me to see your kids? It's worth having a longer conversation about.
(sighs) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Good job, Raf.
(sighs) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, my God, I can't take this.
I don't even know if I'm rooting for him to catch her or not.
What the hell?! I'm so sorry, ma'am.
- Ever heard of knocking? - There was a complaint - about the AC on the floor.
- Go! Go! This is so humiliating.
(door closes) JANE: "Straight out of a Telenovela.
"That's what comes to mind when you hear "Jane Villanueva's story.
"And all that and more is poured into this vibrant - "and lively debut.
" - So you're really doing it? It's "on the book fair Web site" official.
The more you talk about Michael, the easier it will get.
Hmm.
I know.
It already is.
I'm scared.
(sniffles) I don't I just I don't want Michael to be an anecdote, you know? Something that once happened.
(exhales) (sighs) (sighs) And this book is part of that process because I wrote the happily ever after I never got.
Your real life story sounds so crazy.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: OMG, I can't believe it.
- - First Britney, then Bruno, - - now Maria Semple? The accidental pregnancy, the kidnapping.
You talked about your late husband.
How much of the rest made it into the book? Let's just say there's a lot in there.
- Thinly veiled.
- Any hesitation talking about this stuff? Oh, yeah.
Tons.
Because with writing comes exposure, and with exposure comes vulnerability.
And there are all these stages of exposing yourself.
First with writing the book.
Then marketing it.
Uh, and the last is people reading the book.
That's important, because otherwise I'd just be writing in my diary.
So please go buy the book.
Please, please.
(laughter) (chuckles) (romantic Spanish song playing) Mommy, I want to read your book.
When you're older, Mr.
Sweetface.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Much, much older.
I've read it.
It's racy.
Sorry to interrupt, but I just had to say hello.
- Oh, hello.
- My friend works at a publishing house and got me an advance copy of your book.
I loved it so much.
Wow, really? You're the first person who's read it who I don't know.
I didn't get out of my pajamas until I finished.
You are making my life right now.
Can I take a picture with you? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Is Jane fangirling out - on her first fan? - Only if you agree to sign this for me.
You want my autograph? Mm-hmm.
(exhales excitedly) Aw.
I am passing the baton.
JANE: I mean it was only three autographs, but it was kind of awesome.
And I can't believe I'm even saying that.
Good, you deserved it.
Celebrate in your room tonight with this.
Don't be gross.
I'm over Fabian.
He texted and said he'd come to the book fair, and then he bailed on me.
Fame is my new lover.
(doorbell rings) (exhales) Oh, can we talk? Fabian, what are you doing here? I (grunts) Oh.
I I couldn't stop thinking about you after the book fair.
You were there? Why didn't you say hello? I was too nervous.
- What? - Your words were so incredible.
What you said about being exposed, it-it really spoke to me.
And I think you'll see why when you read my book.
Oh.
I can't wait to open it.
- That's my book.
- Yeah, you just said.
(clears throat) Also, I spoke to your dad, and I told him that I was coming here and that I wanted to ask you out.
- (grunts) - He said it's okay.
He did? Is that what's happening? It is.
(gasps) Will you go on a date with me, Jane Villanueva? I would love to.
(romantic Spanish song playing) (record scratches) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, this is really happening.
I guess the sprinklers are just on timers.
- So, what time does Anezka get in? - Noon.
Okay, girls.
Have a great day at school.
I'll come get you after martial arts.
ELLIE: Bye, Mommy.
Okay, come on.
Come on.
(chuckles) Call me if you need anything.
Okay, so, when are we gonna have a talk about the fact that your ex still has the hots for you? (chuckles) What? - No, he doesn't.
- Yes, he does.
And if you can't see it, you're blinder than a bat in a chimney fire.
Stop.
You're being ridiculous.
Um (sighs) ROGELIO: I heard the great news.
They upped your book order.
Well, it's only 5,000 more copies.
But it's something.
Oh, and you're here to see Fabian.
Wait, he said he spoke to you.
Of course.
Of course, yes.
Go to him.
You okay, Dad? O-Oh, yes.
I just have to accept that I'm no longer the only Telenovela star in your life.
Hey.
You're still the main one, okay? (chuckles) You're a great actor, Rogelio.
- I know.
Thank you.
- But you can't fool me.
What's really going on? It's just hard thinking about Jane dating someone new.
And I know it's not fair.
I know she has to move on.
No, it's okay.
I just don't want to start getting Mani-pedis with Fabian.
Michael was my best friend.
I really loved him.
And I still think about him every single day.
I know.
A-And I never want to burden Jane.
I know that, too.
Thank you for telling me.
- Mm-hmm.
- And trust me Fabian is not taking Michael's place.
Actually, Abuela, technically they aren't selfies.
They're stills from his snaps.
Mmm.
(laughs) What's with all the giggling? We're reading Fabian's book.
"Chillin' in Capri pants in Capri.
#CapriToBeYouAndMe.
" LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hey, he wrote that himself.
- Let's give him some credit.
- Oh, my God.
Let me see it.
Oh, my God.
(gasps) Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR; Aw, what a difference 20 years makes.
(sighs) You may have to be married to have sex, Abuela, but I do not.
And trust.
- I am gonna hit this.
- (gasps) (Jane and Xiomara laugh) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Also about to get screwed? Anezka should have landed by now.
Okay, calm down.
She's not that late.
I can't calm down.
You have no idea what she's capable of doing.
Why isn't she answering? She's probably just getting her luggage.
No.
Something is off.
- You're wrong.
- I am not.
And I am sick of being cooped up in this sweaty room.
So I am going to put my face back on, and then we are going to leave.
No.
What? I don't want to leave.
I'm finally having a breakthrough with Rafael, and I might meet his kids.
Well we can't stay.
Please.
I'm leaving, Luisa.
Are you coming with me? PETRA: Hello? ANEZKA: Sister.
Anezka, where are you? You were supposed to get in a cab and come straight to the Marbella.
Well, I couldn't do that because when I got off the plane, the police were arresting me.
Wait, what? You said they were just going to ask questions and then I would get electric bike.
Yeah, well that's what they said.
I'm in jail, Petra.
No.
No, no, no.
That That wasn't the deal.
No, they promised it was just questions.
Well, you better fix this, or I will tell them all what I know.
And then you, sister, will be in orange jumpsuit with me.