Joey s01e12 Episode Script

Joey, it's late.
What is the tenant emergency? I swear, it's important.
It is so warm in L.
A.
, that I am not feeling the Christmas spirit! Okay, my beeper is for emergencies, okay? It is not for talking about the holidays, or for when you're in the hot tub and can't reach a towel.
Or for when you're out of jelly.
But you brought the jelly, right? - Yes.
- Thanks.
Okay, now, uh, I just have a few simple ideas on how to make the apartment more festive.
You don't have to do anything- I just need your approval.
Okay.
Uh, "Can I dress your cat like a reindeer?" No.
I'm sorry.
May I dress your cat like a reindeer? No.
Okay.
All right.
"When do you freeze the hot tub for skating?" Never.
That's impossible.
"Impossible" or "Mmm, possible"? Okay, why don't you let me look at your list, and I'll tell you what you can do.
No.
No! I don't know what a "live snowman" is.
That is offensive to non-Christians.
And that is offensive to everyone.
Oh, come on, you got to give me something.
Well you can do this- get a tree and some lights.
All right, well, that's a start, but Look, I know, I know I'm all worked up about it, but it's my first holiday season in L.
A.
, and it doesn't feel right, okay? So we all have to work that much harder to make it special.
It's like I said when I was in A Christmas Carol.
Figgy pudding! Figgy pudding for sale! I had a really small part.
Hi.
I'm Joey Tribbiani.
I have a meeting with the Executive Producer.
I'm Tracy, Lauren's assistant.
Ah.
Oh, uh, who's Lauren? The Executive Producer.
Oh, right.
Sorry, I'm a little nervous.
It's nice to meet you, Lauren.
Um why don't you just go in? - Hey.
- Hi.
Wow.
You're the Executive Producer? Good thing I didn't see you outside.
I probably would've hit on you.
You did.
Before one of your auditions, you asked me to go back to your place and split a candy bar.
You were smart to say no.
There was no candy bar.
We haven't been formally introduced.
I'm Lauren Beck, and I'm thrilled to be working with you.
Oh, yeah oh, yeah.
Oh.
I'm sorry, what's the deal with the tissue? Oh, I'm a little compulsive, especially when I get nervous.
Oh, hey, that's totally normal- I'm compulsive, too.
I wash my hands almost every day.
It used to be much worse- when I came into the office, I'd have to open and close the drawers a hundred times, and then I'd constantly rush home and check hen was off.
Hey, that's actually a good idea.
I have an aunt, she left her oven on, burned her house down- she lost everything.
Tracy?! I'm gonna you to to go back to my hou and check the oven again.
You know, if you left it on, it's probably already too late.
What are you doing? Listen, the reason I called you in is, we're having a press junket, and I'm gonna need you to be front and center as our sexiest cast member I bet you say that to all the cast members.
Yes, I do.
Anyway, they're gonna ask you some questions, just be polite and charming.
You know, you might want to think of some funny material.
Oh! How about this? What is the deal with the kiwi, huh? Is it a fruit? Is it a vegetable? It's a fruit.
Anyway, you'll do great.
And we just got the first script, and it's amazing.
There's some twists in here that will blow your mind.
Really? Can I take it? Uh, just keep it between us, 'cause you're the first one to see it.
Is that 'cause I'm the sexiest cast member? No, it's because you got your germs on it and I don't want it back.
God, I'm so hot! Then take off the hat and the parka.
No.
This is what I've worn every time I've picked out a good tree.
When people see you guys dressed like that, you know what they think? They think, "These people have no Christmas spirit.
" You know what they think when they see me? "That guy from Days of our Lives is homeless"? I'm sorry, but I am trying to get into the holiday spirit, okay? Is this how you normally buy a tree, in summer clothes? Actually, we haven't gotten a tree since Michael was little.
What? Why not? Christmas is only fun when you have kids and they believe in that Christmas magic.
He figured out the deal with Santa when he was three.
Yeah, it's just basic math.
It would be impossible for Santa to visit all the children of the world in one night, even if you assume a generous 50% naughty rate.
Well, those of who love Christmas are not gonna let you and math and your friend, the sun, ruin our holiday.
Who are we, people?! Joey, why are you shouting? Am I shouting? I think I'm having a stroke.
Can we please just choose a tree and get out of here? Fine.
Greetings.
So what are we looking at here, Douglas fir or spruce? I don't know, I'm just a stock boy at the supermarket.
Oh! Do you carry a fortified wine called "The Fist"? Gina! Focus.
Okay? Now, let's take a look hese things.
No.
No.
No, this one's trying too hard.
Aw, pick one! What's the difference? It's just gonna die.
Oh, well, you could say the same thing about Michael here, but you don't love him any less.
This tree has got to be perfect.
It's my favorite thing about Christmas.
Except for Rudolph.
Okay, let's just assume for a second that a nose can glow, right? In order to produce enough light to actually guide a sleigh Shut it! You are ruining Christmas for all these little kids! What kids? Are you talking about the trees? I got to find some shade.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
The press conference hasn't started yet, has it? I had to buy a Christmas tree.
Is there more to this excuse? - No.
- Wow.
So, let me introduce you to the cast.
This, of course, is Katie, your daughter.
Hey, sexy.
We still need to get that drink.
You won't be sitting next to one another.
This is Bodie.
He plays a ski instructor.
'Sup? - Hey, Bodie.
- Oh, man, I love you! Oh, you know me from Days of Our Lives? No, I just think you're awesome.
This is Gunnar.
We don't know what role he's playing, but he's hot.
Guilty.
- Lauren, they want to start.
- Okay, let's go! Lauren, Lauren, uh, quick thing.
Listen, uh, look, these kids are all newbies and I'm old pro, so should we come up with a signal in case you think I'm being too charismatic and blowing someone else off the stage? Good idea.
How's this for a signal? Nice.
Yeah, okay.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Lauren Beck, and I'm Executive Producer of Deep Powder.
Yeah! It's my pleasure to present the cast.
So let's open the floor to questions.
This question's for Bodie Blair.
If you could say one thing to your public, what would it be? 'Sup, public? Thank you.
Hi.
This is for Katie Harper.
- Katie, what are your hobbies? - I'm into erotic art.
Uh, I have a couple of follow-up questions related to that.
Ow! It can wait till later.
Mr.
Tribbiani, you got your start in the theater.
I have a question related to that.
Ah.
Hit me.
Dramaturgically speaking, Deep Powder is clearly a rehashing of the Lear paradigm, combined with elements of Aristophanes, and of course it goes without saying, Sheridan.
Will this source material inform your portrayal of the patriarch? What?! The classics do permeate all modern media.
Surely, this will coert your realization of the character.
Geez, what magazine is this lady from? Is there anything you can tell us about the show? Well, yeah, yeah, I can do that, yeah.
I just read the first episode, and there are some plot twists in there that will blow your mind.
Like, in the first episode, this guy dies! I die?! I just bought a Ferrari! Joey, that was supposed to be a surprise! Oh, uh, okay, I'm gonna have to collect all your little notebooks.
98, 99, 100! Thanks for this, Joey.
One, two Lauren, look, I am so sorry I screwed up the the plot twist.
I panicked.
Didn't they ever have press junkets on Days of Our Lives? Yeah, but the producer always forgot to tell me about them.
That's good producing.
I'm just really disapointed, Joey.
I was really counting on you.
You're our most experienced actor, and you're the patriarch.
Hey, hey, we're all Americans here.
I want you to understand that what you did affects a lot of people.
We're gonna have to throw out the script now, and I'm gonna be up all night with the writers trying to come up with a new plot twist.
So, you're not gonna kill Bodie? No, which is a shame, because his transition from professional skateboarding to acting hasn't been as smooth as I'd hoped.
Lauren, I'm so sorry I screwed up, but, hey, on the bright side, I helped you forget about your oven.
- Tracy! - I'll tell her on the way out.
Hey, guys.
Check it out.
I got the perfect tree.
It smells like Christmas when we were kids.
And the girl selling it had crazy low jeans on.
And I found a store down by the airport that carries The Fist.
So are you feeling better about the press conference thing? My boss was pretty mad at me, but I'm trying not to let it get me down, you know? I mean, it is the holiday season.
And as I said in a Christmas Ca.
"Oy, a sixpence, Guv'nor! Thank you kindly!" Oh, Joey, looks like they sent your new script.
Oh, great.
All right.
I'll start studying my lines now.
Since I screwed up, I really need to impress my boss.
So now that they can't kill Bodie, what's the new twist? Lauren wouldn't tell me, but if she's as talented as she is crazy, it's gonna be good! Oh, cool, I'm in the last scene! Good for you.
What are you doing? ooh, I'm up on a cliff.
And I'm defusing a bomb! That sounds dangerous! Oh, my God! I'm the plot twist! I can't believe they're gonna kill me.
Are you sure? Does the bomb actually go off? Uh, well, I don't know.
Let's see.
The end is "The last page will be distributed due to Joey Tribbiani-based security reasons.
" Oh! This is so bad! No, no.
Calm down.
People wanna fire me all the time and there's an easy way out of it.
How? By falsely accusing them of sexual harassment.
There's a little move I like to call "The Reverse.
" How dare you! I will you see you in court.
See? Actually "the Reverse" paid for my space camp.
Gina, I am not gonna do that! Oh! Why couldn't that reporter have asked me something I could answer? I knew I should have talked about the kiwi! Joey maybe you're overreacting.
There's another character in this bomb scene with you, this guy, Charlie.
Maybe they'll call him off.
Maybe, yeah, all right.
I'm going to go down to the set early and see if I can change Lauren's mind.
And if I can't change her mind, then I'll just- I'll take it like a man and What are you doing? I could ask the sama question of you, sir! Hey Katie! Joey.
I read the script.
I'm sorry.
Maybe we can go back to my dressing room and I can cheer you up.
Oh, boy, any other time that would be great, but I'm really not in the right place that now.
You understand, don't you? - No.
- Oh I like you.
Hey, dead-o.
Very funny, Gunnar.
You know, you don't even have a character.
Yeah, well, at least my non-character's alive.
I should never try to match wits with Gunnar.
Uh, hey, Lauren.
Hi.
Look, I, uh I read the script and I just want to say: please, please don't kill me! But you haven't read the last page, you might not die.
- Really? - But you probably do.
I know you're looking for a big plot twist, but there's this other guy, Charlie, in the scene with me.
Maybe he could die.
That's an interesting idea.
Why don't I introduce you to Charlie? Joey, this is Sawyer.
He's playing Charlie.
What? I'm eight.
I'm home-schooled.
He's adorable.
You're not going to kill him.
Ah, crap! That's a swear word.
Put a quarter in the jar.
Oh, yeah, what a cutie.
Let me make the case for killing the kid.
What? Yeah, it's so crazy, no one would see it coming.
Now, I'm not a writer, but what if this kid is a Russian spy, yeah? And I tie him to the bomb and I run, and I'm all, "Eat bomb, Commie!"? I don't think so.
Excuse me.
Why so glum, chum? Hey, Sawyer, you want to play a game? Go over to the producer lady and tell her she left her oven on.
Oh, God, I wish I was Oprah.
Me, too.
- Any word from Joey yet? - No, not yet.
What's in the box? Well, it seems like Joey's about to be fired, so I thought we could surprise him by decorating the place for Christmas.
Are these our old ornaments? I haven't seen these in a long time.
That's because it's been a while since we've had a child to decorate for, but now we do- Joey.
Oh! When he comes home and sees this place all decorated, just think how his little face will light up.
Oh, it's your first ornament.
A snow globe.
A bottle of tequila? You try putting together a tricycle without a man around.
I'm sorry.
Um, Mom, this is fine, but I mean, if you're going to do this, you should go all out.
Do something big.
Like what? Well, I know he'd like an all-monkey manger scene with a squirrel Baby Jesus.
How do you know that? It was one of the things on his list.
Oh, this is perfect! We can find out exactly what he wants.
All right.
Why does he want Gypsies? Hmm, he gets them confused with elves.
Always has.
Yeah, but there is some stuff on here we can do.
He wants carolers! Do we know anyone who can sing? - Silent - Okay, no carolers.
Hmm! Okay, everybody, we're ready to shoot the bomb scene.
Uh, listen, Lauren, I don't want to pull a star trip right now, but this scene doesn't work for me creatively.
Joey, please take your mark.
Okay, can I, can I, just, can I take a second? Yeah, yeah.
You know what? Everybody, let's all gather around and take a second and give a round of applause to Joey Tribbiani.
It's been great working with him.
Okay, let's get started.
But, but I don't know what to do at the end.
You didn't let me read the last page.
Oh, it's pretty clear what happens at the end.
And then the special effects guys take over.
And then bring in the dinosaur that carries me to safety? All right, and rolling.
And cue the snow.
Deep Powder, Scene 58, take one.
And action! Come on, Captain Powder! You gotta run.
The bomb's gonna 'splode.
No, I have to see this through.
You run, Charlie.
Your life's more important than mine.
Well, it looks like it's just you and me now, Powder Mountain.
If I don't make it out of this alive, it doesn't really matter, because all that matters is that the mountain lives on.
Now cut the wire.
And the bomb doesn't go off.
Now react.
What? It didn't go off? Oh, my God! I'm alive! I can't believe it! I did it! This is great, Joey.
Keep going.
We can use it.
Oh, oh, great! The sky is bluer! The snow is whiter! Joey's back! Suck it, bomb! And cut! I am so relieved! I really thought I was gonna die.
You gave a great performance.
Wait a minute.
You were messing with me to get back at me from the press conference? What, me? Mess with my sexiest cast member? Yeah, you wouldn't do that.
Well, welcome back to Powder Mountain! Thank you.
How about a hug? How about just a wave? Hey, guys, guess what? Great news! I didn't die! Congratulations.
Yeah, yeah, let's go out and celebrate.
Let's go in the apartment first.
No, no, it's boring in there.
Let's go do something special.
Maybe there's something special in the apartment.
- No, no, let's go out.
- Get in the damn apartment! Oh, my God! Oh, look at his little face! You guys, it looks fantastic in here.
I can't believe you did this.
We couldn't get you everything on your list, but we got you an inflatable snowman.
And a dancing Santa.
And Joey Gypsies! Here, have some eggnog.
I spiked it with The Fist.
I am finally feeling like it's Christmas, you know? This is really special.
I get to keep my job.
I'm surrounded by friends and family.
It's like I said in that holiday beer commercial that only aired in Germany, "Das ist ein gut Christmas Bier!" An all new Will & Grace is coming up next.
Right here on NBC.
So that's basicly the plot for the next episode.
Any questions? Yeah, I've been meaning to ask you since you didn't kill Bodie and you didn't kill me, do you still need a plot twist? I have a plot twist.
There was someone actually who behaved even worse that you did.
Hey, sweet mamma! You wanted to see me? Yeah, Gunnar, are you ready to shoot this scene? I was born ready, baby? Hey, dead-o! guess who finally get a character? I'm an helicopter blade inspector.
And I get to blade drunk.
Joey, would you care to come watch this scene? I think I'd like that, Lauren.