Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List (2005) s06e02 Episode Script
Toddlers and Remodelers
Oh! I got the big guest spot.
(Kathy) I got an A-list gig guest starring on "Law and Order: SVU.
" Whoa! Please help me rehearse, because I'm scared (Deleted).
I should be out there.
I feel so goddamn! (Man) Cut! Every time they say "cut," to me I hear, "you sucked.
" Shh! Here comes my scene with Mariska.
They cut the kiss! Well she's such a good actress, where you don't quite-- can I just thank the lord Jesus, that you're not on the emmy voting panel.
When you're living life on the D-list "Toddlers and Remodelers" All right, so one of my side gigs is, I do this show called, "The Insider" right? And it's just like an entertainment show.
It has this panel of "experts.
" Uh, once again, very similar to Christiane Amanpour's work Because, you know, what I do for you is I go deep.
You know what I mean? I'm doing some hard-core reporting.
I had lunch with Kate Gosselin, and the body guard she's banging.
I don't know-- i have no proof.
Allegedly-- I'm just a mere reporter.
Um, he is hot, though-- the body guard's hot.
I (Deleted) him, too.
And after that (Deleted) tool, Jon Gosselin, I (Deleted) a hole in a piece of fruit.
Who gives a (Deleted)? That guy's the worst.
I should warn you Later on, I get a little bit dirty.
(Lara Spencer) Hello.
(Kathy) Lara Spencer, ladies and gentlemen.
(Lara) I got a bunch of pillows.
I-I don't know if they're gonna work for the long term, but they were really cheap, and I think the colors are right, so And look at this cute waste basket.
You might know Lara Spencer from "The Insider.
" (Announcer) It's time to take a side.
Which side are you on? But I know her from "what are you doing for my house?" You get the idea.
Just like, you have this big tall ceiling.
And I'd like just like a little pop, a pop here and there.
She's kind of the ideal friend because she has a "passion," which means she's "crazy" for design and decoration, and I love it! Lara Spencer, who you know is a television host, but also has whole secret life.
And a sickness.
Yeah, but this is sort of like how Tiger, the whole time, had a secret like.
This is like-- you're Rachel Uchitel.
Oh? This is your double life that people don't know about.
And you bankroll it.
And I love it.
You bankroll my addiction, so, thank you.
Kathy and I have created this great friendship.
It all started when she came on the show, on "The Insider.
" And then, of course we're taking it to-- to the wall? Yes.
We're going to the walls here? (Lara) We found out that we have a lot in common.
So, I hang out here quite a bit.
I love that you wanted to add chartreuse, a little pop of pink.
(Kathy) Uh-hmm.
I feel like we're good.
It just like ties it all together.
She wants to have a movie star house, and she loves how, when she sees movie star's houses in magazines, how everything's always, like, right where it should be.
You're moving the candles? Well, yeah, because here's why.
No, relax, everybody.
(Laughing) I am a nervous wreck.
And then this can go here.
I follow her around and like move stuff.
It's really sad, actually.
I love that you think of stuff I would never think of.
Well, I'm not sure, kath' on this one.
But I still-- there's not one thing that I haven't loved.
Seeing what Lara has done in the bedroom, I've caught the bug.
I mean, I might wanna-- oh, I don't know, do the whole place.
My house is the most stylish pad in Hollywood If it were 1987.
I mean, let's face it-- you can pretty much picture "Duran Duran" doing some blow on my countertop without a Matt.
And so I'm calling in designer to the stars, Kenny Davis, to pitch me a whole new look.
I want a real life "A-list redo" on my house.
I want this to be Dakota Fanning's first house, as soon as she turns 14.
Hello.
Hello.
Yes.
Hey, I'm Kathy.
Hi, Kenny-- great to meet you.
Hi, Kathy, Kenny.
My pleasure-- such a pleasure.
This is Pom-Pom.
Hi, Pom-Pom.
She'll be your co-designer.
My big goal today is to first meet with Kathy, and really inspire her to dream big, dream huge.
What do you-- what do you really dream of your environment to be? All right-- I want people to walk in and think that they're having an "A-list" experience, and be a little intimidated, maybe.
Whatever it is she wants, whether it's a Bob Mackie dress from Cher's collection that I turn into a chair, or it's opening up a wall.
Let's knock out some walls, Kathy.
Let's open up this house.
Emotionally? The house is -D-list, and let's make it "A-list.
" First of all, let's just get rid of all this furniture.
We need to drop a magnificent chandelier.
I have no idea what these disco lights are.
I'm not really sure what this is.
This is just so not appropriate whatsoever.
What is this? I don't know what that is.
I tried to copy the arch of my eyebrows, after my last brow lift.
I thought that was the inspiration.
(Laughing) Just my immediate impression right now, you have this cumbersome, uh, fireplace which is faux finish, which is tired and dated and-- my face is basically a faux finish.
(Kenny) We're going to put in a new fireplace.
Kenny clearly has an interior design hard-on, and he wants to (Deleted) The (Deleted) out of my house, which is fine with me-- let's get the lube.
Just my immediate impression-- again, it's the first time I'm seeing the house.
Okay.
But would be 12 inch tiles.
This is not an adobe house.
Let's bring it up to date.
Thirteen inch tiles.
You know what I'm saying-- no, let's go bigger.
Let's go five foot.
That's a tile that is the size of the body.
You're saying tile that goes from here.
So, we wanna go as grandiose as possible.
That looks good.
And then we take Kathy Lee Gifford and put her this way and then, that's the size of the tiles-- oh, boy! It's all about Kathy.
It's about me channeling Kathy's personality Which would you say is more tragic, this house or Abu Ghraib prison.
And making her living environment be one with her.
It's a huge drain.
It's an undertaking.
It's gonna become a reality.
Okay-- it's also a ten week dream, 'cause you know I'm actually moving out and living in a rental house.
I'm gonna rock you out.
Okay, I'm gonna dream delicious thoughts.
Just hot.
Hot.
Two t's? Hot and glamorous and sexy.
Sexy.
H-a-u-t-e.
Haute.
Okay? I'm not intimidated by the three month deadline.
That which should take about 12 to 14-16 months, we will make it happen in six weeks.
Six-- well, pardon me, eight weeks Twelve weeks-- pardon me.
(Kathy) This isn't my first renovation, so I know what's coming.
This place is just gonna be a big ol' pile of dust.
And, you know, a bunch of old boards and broken glass Like the inside of my vagina after a long weekend.
I don't wanna go there again.
Okay, explain to me, again, why we're taking my mother's music stand and she doesn't play any instruments.
It's, um, an antique.
No-- she bought it at sears.
So we're moving into this temporary house for ten weeks.
Most of my stuff is going into storage eventually, but I'm moving some of the "keepsakes" into the rental house.
And by "keepsakes," I mean my mom's shite.
We're taking her milking stool.
Looks like a shoe shine, shoe shine stool.
She's milking my career-- that's what she's milking.
Let's do it.
You totally wanna do it.
Oh, God, oh God! Let go of me.
(Tom) Tiffany ripped my perfectly good sweatshirt.
If she'd just let me go, I would have had a nice sweatshirt and I probably would have taken silver, I think.
I don't know.
Say "good-bye" to the old place, guys.
(Tom singing) we're on our way to the perfect place the perfect place Yes, hello, everyone.
It's me, Kathy Griffin-- I'm your new neighbor.
Knock, knock-- who needs a cup of sugar? Not that kind-- shut up, you guys! I love this block party-- this is great! No, you can park there-- it's totally cool.
I'm just the new neighbor.
Okay, well, I'll see you guys at the fourth of July Christmas party.
Here's our new home.
(Tiffany) See? What's this? Uh, gay.
So, of course i rented a house from a couple of gays I know.
They're on vacation for ten weeks, so I'm moving in, while they're away.
Hey, what the hell's on the wall? Naked men.
This part I like, actually.
I don't mind the naked gay dudes.
I think that's kinda cool.
I have no problem with that, and certainly Tiffany doesn't.
Although she's probably pissed that they're white.
So, we'll try to sneak in a couple of naked African American gay dudes for her.
I didn't see the porcelain dog collection.
(Kathy) Obviously, my friends are collectors.
And they are a collector of bric-a-brac and gay.
I collect gay, don't get me wrong.
I'm not so in the to the bric-a-brac.
And there's a lot of figurines.
There are snow globes, and there's also some expressive art That is avant-gaayrde.
(Kathy) So, I've asked my pal, Lara to lunch.
Hello.
Sorry I'm late.
You're not.
Oh, good.
And believe it or not, it's not about decorating this time, but I've got something really juicy to bring up with her, and she likes to dish.
Oh, yeah.
As you know I have several careers.
Which one are we today? And-- I'm going to become an investigative journalist, that's why I'm wearing a blazer.
I'm going deep in the kiddy pageant world.
I love that.
Yeah.
I have many obsessions-- one of them happens to be toddler pageants.
I'm not ashamed of it.
I'm a little ashamed of it.
I love toddler pageants.
I've been inspired by one of my appearances on "The Insider.
" No way.
We're gonna take it to the wall, right now, with Kathy's favorite beauty pageant contestant.
From "Toddlers and Tiaras" we have little eden here and her mom, Nikki.
You're now five-years-old-- it might be over for you.
No! What about this? "California Gold Coast Pageant Production"-- oh, no! The "2010 Inland Empire Valentine's Sweetheart Beauty Pageant" "at the Ontario Hilton.
" You are judging this? No, I'm-- I'm a celebrity guest judge.
I'm going to Ontario, baby.
I'm Ontario, California bound.
You cannot ask a pageant mother-- about their hymen? If their daughter is-is a floozy? Has had her hymen busted.
Kathy, you cannot do that.
I want Kathy to make it through the entire pageant without getting thrown out.
She has to pretend that she's really, you know, watching the competition and not just laughing at them.
I'm taking my mother, who doesn't technically know, yet.
So, I won't say anything.
She'll be drunk when you talk to her-- it's fine.
Okay.
When you're judging are you gonna be nice? No.
Oh, no.
But I'm gonna be fun.
(Tiffany) Coming up When will she be starting her acting classes.
Probably at one years old.
You're gonna wait 'til she's one? (Cheering) Oh, God! This is worse than I feared.
i've already moved out, but I'm heading back to my real home to meet with designer, Kenny, to see his final plans before i put my stuff in storage and start the demolition.
She's gonna, like, freak on this stuff.
She's gonna be so excited.
He's bringing architectural drawings and I really need it to be "A-list.
" We are going to take this wall, we're going to outline that in a wood.
We are going to sandblast your beams.
I am about making Kathy happy.
There are couple things which I'll be steadfast about.
I'm going to blowout this entire wall.
The knocking out of walls.
It's also gonna, uh, be about what we can actually do.
I recognize that in fact there is a main bearing beam there.
It holds the house up.
I know that.
I need her to unleash me, not castrate me.
We can do it.
Walk in-- bam, and you have a glass wall.
I know a lot of contractors will come here and say, "Kenny, of you're out of your mind.
"You're not able to cut out a main baring wall.
" Ultimately, I frankly don't give a (Deleted).
Tuscan.
Super stunning, super sexy.
And let's have some water plants coming up.
What makes a Kenny design is pops of color.
Not a hint, but a pop of color.
I don't want a hint-- I want a pop.
Anybody can hint.
John Mayer is gonna eat out Taylor Swift's (Deleted) In this furniture.
That's the kind of (Deleted) we're going for.
Where would John Mayer have sex with Taylor Swift? That's the look I want.
What do you think about this? As a skirt? It's a silk chiffon and a pleated ruffle.
I think it's exquisite.
You don't get gayer than that.
That is the gayest thing I've ever heard in my life.
This is your kitchen-- it's hideous.
I don't mean that in a rude manner.
How can I take "hideous" in a negative connotation? Clean, linear, delicious, gorgeous.
That's what Kenny's about.
You do like it? (Kathy) Of course-- it's incredible! It's dazzling It's a-a-a.
Okay, darling.
Okay, thank you so much.
Thank you.
Kenny's ideas are great and they are big.
Um, maybe a little too big? We'll see you soon.
All right.
I'll be here.
Okay, bye-bye.
Thank you.
So, I better talk to a professional amateur, my friend, Lara.
Spencie? (Lara) Yeah, come on in.
I have this designer, Kenny.
Yeah-- how's it going with him? Look, he's super cool, 'cause he's got amazing style.
But I'm gonna be honest-- I'm afraid that "the dream" as he calls it, "the dream" is too big of a dream.
Kenny is dreaming for me, like I'm a big A-lister, and he's not getting that I'm just someone who makes fun of the A-listers.
So, I don't have "A-list" money, I have "person-who-makes fun-of-A-lister" money.
He did like Celine Dion's closets.
He does big fancy production design.
He actually-actually, like, did part of the Cher show-- what was his budget? Did he lay out a budget for you? No.
Because he just kept telling me to "dream big," which scares me.
Well, I would be scared.
So, Kathy called me and she is freaking out.
She loved that Kenny dreamed big, but he dreamed really big.
Can we-- can I take an hour and go grab breakfast and go look at her? She's got an interior designer.
She wants to show me her plans.
Sure.
(Kathy) Can we do it? With the floors, the color.
(Kathy) Knocking the wall all out, gutting the kitchen.
(Lara) Two fire places.
Two fire places in glass.
The kitchen.
Ten weeks.
Nah.
At ten weeks and one day she's gonna be at that front door, this little red head, "I'm ready!" And if it's not ready, oh, boy.
Kenny has this dream, which is beautiful.
And if I was Celine Dion I would say go for it.
It just doesn't make sense.
No, I wanna move out for as little time as possible, move back in and enjoy.
Nah.
(Kathy) Look, I'm sorry, Kenny, I love you and you're A-list dreams and your awesome feathered hair.
But that probably would have taken a lot more time than I have.
So, Kenny might be out, but this bitch is still in.
As is this whole project.
I've already moved out, demolition is starting.
This ship has sailed.
(Kathy) That's right, I said, "boys, take a hammer to all of it.
" So, yeah, it might look like I tore up my kitchen today and I don't have a plan.
But guess what? That's exactly what happened.
We have no plan.
Construction's already crazy in the kitchen, living room, and foyer.
And we have no fire place now.
(Kathy) I started out improvisation.
And that's how I decided to do my improvirenization.
Yeah.
That's how I started I was in the ground links.
You know, that's what this house is like.
It's like a scene that I have no idea how it's going to end.
(Kathy) Look, I gotta get away from all this construction.
So, I've planned a little road trip with my mother.
Won't that be fun? She doesn't technically know yet.
All right, ma, have a seat.
Oh, okay, fine-- this looks great.
I ordered you some nice soup.
Oh, wow! Why you rearranging the cutlery.
Well, I don't know, because I don't know what's gonna happen.
You sure don't.
We are going to Ontario, California.
Oh? I've never been to Ontario.
Why would you go-- it's a (Deleted) hole.
I'm gonna make one of your dreams come true.
All right-- what is that? You and I are judging a kiddy pageant.
Oh, my God! Where they take the little kids like Jonbenét Ramsey and they put crazy whore make-up on 'em.
Oh, my gosh! Isn't that gonna be great? I don't think I'm qualified to do something like that.
I've kind of technically already committed you to being a judge.
I've never done-- I've never judged a kids-- and it's on the literature.
So, you can't back out of it.
Oh, my God! The Ontario Hilton? Oh hotel? Will Paris be there? Yeah, mom-- I think Paris probably hangs out at the Ontario Hilton.
All right.
And Nikki, too.
This has gotta be awful.
Baby and toddler pageant, ages babies to two years.
I want those babies in eveningwear, or g-string-- g-string and pasties.
First of all, all babies are gorgeous.
How do you judge-- okay, no.
Some babies are ugly.
I don't think so.
Well, you're gonna have to tell the ugly ones that they're not cutting the mustard.
That's hard for me.
It's gonna be very difficult.
You have to be brutally honest.
Uh, excuse me.
You didn't have that much trouble when I was growing up.
Oh.
I need to have my mom along to judge with me, because I think she needs to come to terms with the fact that she robbed me of my childhood, the one I should have had.
Not the one where I went to school and, you know, ate regularly.
The one where I should have been entered in beauty pageants when I was two (Deleted) weeks old.
Although, I would have happily started it at a week, 'cause you gotta have an edge.
Is there a room I could go in and rest or take a nap or something? By rest you mean We need kind of a little protection maybe.
Bodyguards? Yeah.
Can we get in and out of there? We'll get security.
Especially out.
I'm really nervous about this already.
I like how you're fearing for your life at a kiddy pageant.
they're living up, mom-- it's fierce competition.
So, my official job is to judge the pageant.
But, oh, no-- I'm not stopping there.
Look, I'm going deep undercover here.
I'm like Christiane Amanpour with the flat jacket and the seven second delay "live from Bagdad.
" It's like that.
Now, are these your first heels? Are they hard to walk in? Yeah.
'Cause sometimes, I am like a tired drag queen.
You know what I mean? I can barely get home 5:00 in the morning.
I'm going in deep.
I don't know what to expect, but I'm getting answers.
I wanna know what makes these kids, or little ladies, or small men tick.
Would you call her a fierce competitor? Um, yeah.
(Kathy) Should we talk about her first facelift? I would wait a few weeks.
You know, you don't wanna do it like Heidi Montag, too young.
Definitely before state.
Do you girls have any beauty tips for me? Any make-up or hair tips? Yes-- go ahead.
Chanel.
I have a Chanel watch on.
Yeah, it is.
(Announcer) Coming up Do we take points off if they're hysterically crying or do we think that that's human? Oh, God! I'm going back to the church, after this.
So, how much glitter should I use? A hundred.
I'd like a hundred glitter, please.
If you can't tone it, tan it.
Why not? Look, hailey, there is a window in Hollywood and it closes very fast.
We're going to be asking the tough questions to these kids today.
So, they better put on their sparkly headbands and answer.
No more carbs, Pilates four-five hours a day.
It's tough out there, and these kids need to know it.
This is Isabella.
Isabella.
This is Scarlett.
Scarlett.
Yes.
Okay, now what celebrities are they dating? I'm four right now, but I'll be five in a couple years.
I think somebody will say anything to win.
When will she be starting her acting classes? Um, probably at one years old.
As soon as she can stand up.
You're gonna wait till she's one? Would you like to see the "don't ask, don't tell" policy reversed? Yes, ma'am.
I would stay away from Charlie Sheen.
But Jon Cryer is fine.
One, two, three.
Yes, ma'am.
This is our first real judging gig.
It's a very, very important moment In their lives.
So, mom, they're gonna explain all of our duties.
Oh, okay, good.
Which we're taking very seriously.
Hi, everybody-- I'm Kathy.
This is my mom, Maggie.
There was an array of judges.
There were some moms, there was my mom, there was me.
And then there was a couple gentlemen there that we like to call local business men Who may never marry, because they choose not to.
What's the drill-- how does this work? Okay.
Now, if you notice in front of you, you'll have a score sheet.
(Kathy) All right.
And there's different categories.
We have "modeling," one to ten points.
Next category is "pageant attire.
" The last division is "beauty" one to twenty points.
And what are your tips on judging "beauty?" Today, you're gonna see a lot of hair on little girls.
Some of it may be not necessarily growing from their head.
If you see a little girl that comes on stage and it looks ridiculous, I would probably score her maybe a point or two off.
Do we take points off if they're hysterically crying? No.
Or do we feel that that's human? One of the qualities that I look for, as an official pageant judge, is the children who cry the least.
So, I guess I'm outta luck.
Here's what we don't take off points.
It's like the rule of thumb, braces, um, teeth that are missing.
Are we going to see any flippers? You'll see flippers, you'llee lots of wigs.
(Kathy) Okay.
Lots of spray tan.
Yes! Okay, will you please explain to my mother what a flipper is.
It's like a little retainer and there's two little front teeth on the front.
And it just clips in and it fills the gaps.
You know what a partial kinda looks like, or a retainer? Does she know what a partial denture is? Some judges have low-balled someone, so someone else can win.
Though, if we notice that some fishiness is going on, she'll void the whole score sheet out.
That's all directed toward you.
You know, we just want to see a little princess.
Maybe this is inappropriate and maybe this is the inappropriate time, but I'd like to confront you, right now.
I feel that you never saw me as a princess or once labeled me a "princess" and now I'm bitter.
I'm sorry, Kathy.
I have confronted her and she just went on and on and on about something about having to just raise us and send us to school.
That coulda been me.
Okay, so any last questions? What is the technical policy on actual cash bribery? (Kathy) Oh, don't mind me.
Don't mind me.
I thought the girls needed some inspiration.
I brought my emmys to the table, because I think it's important that these girls have a goal.
And it's not to grow up and have families or be loved.
It's to win awards.
The sooner they learn that, the better, because it's true.
(Crying) In the kiddy pageant world, there are several age groups.
Starting with the two-week old contestants.
It's like judging a meatloaf with a bandanna.
(Andrea) Let's start the competition out, judges, audience this is contestant number one.
Oh, good God! This is worse than I had feared.
it's great to see these kids before they go into celebrity rehab and then sober house To see their roots.
(Kathy) It was really fun judging the infants.
You're judging them on their poise, their character, and if they (Deleted) themselves in their diaper while being held by their gay father allegedly.
All right, so mom, this is when the going gets tough, and you know what happens.
I know.
The tough get going.
Judges, audience, this is contestant number one.
The important thing about judging the four year old category is to let them know that they're loved, and that six is just around the corner.
Come on, ladies-- the sun's about to set.
(Andrea) Contestant number two.
Let's give her a nice round of applause.
(Cheering) And this is contestant number three.
We're on to the next.
Come on.
Wait, I got to-- well, we're onto the next.
Well, we're on to the next one.
(Andrea) And we've moving on to contestant number four.
This is Jordan Walker.
Jordan? Wait a minute.
I haven't got Jordan.
Took my mom forever to vote.
All right-- it's not the health care bill.
Taking me forever.
I'm real serious about this.
You gotta be balanced between looking and writing.
She's falling way behind.
She's not getting these kids into Oxford, all right? They're not even getting into-- let's face it-- shop class at their public High School.
(Screaming) (Maggie) Oh, poor little kid.
Yeah, she got stage fright at the last minute.
She probably great at home and then she gets out here.
It's scary-- the music, all the-- or maybe the other girls were getting inside her head and messing with her.
(Kathy) So, the little girls got trophies that were bigger than their bodies.
Then it got really weird.
all right, someone call the Boston Archdiocese and tell them to all go home today.
You know that these kids are going right into hustling.
I'm sure that's-- I mean to say "school.
" (Kathy) The boys won so much gold it would make Johnny Weir weep with envy.
And then the clothes started coming off.
(Kathy) I love the swimsuit competition because it's just fun and sunny and it's great to see very small strippers.
Oh, God! (Kathy) The thing to remember about strippers is they're the ones in control.
That's what my straight guy friends say that go to strip clubs And watch incest survivors dance for them.
(Kathy) Well, one girl came out as cupid and she actually shot me with a feathered bow and arrow.
Which went right through my heart Until it stopped at the part that was coal.
(cheering) (Kathy) You know it really hurt me to turn around and see the moms that were, you know, kind of mimicking the kid's routines and then looking over at my lump next to me.
When I was two weeks old she should have been practicing dance routines with me, buying me, you know, um, sequin underpants, normal stuff.
I'd love to know from the kids what do they have a-a goal.
I like that you think they have a choice in the matter.
As usual, the stripper takes the crown.
We are ready for the very beautiful, anxiously awaiting, tiny miss division.
This is contestant number on, Allison Let's give her a nice round of applause, okay? (Applause) She can re-purpose that dress later for her wedding in three years.
Oh, yeah.
(Kathy) Well, I'm really impressed by these ladies in their glitz wear.
It allegedly appears that they have each been injected with a sedative similar to propofol.
(Andrea) Her favorite person is her daddy.
It's a lot of time and effort put into this.
And I won-- I wish I knew what the goal really was.
Well, they like, uh, crowns.
Well, I know, but the crown can only go so far.
I mean, what are you gonna do with a crown? It define- it defines you.
I like how my mom's acting all high and mighty about, "oh, what's the point?" And "they put all this together for what?" The whole point of being a pretty lady is to be seen as a whore-like object.
And I think we're doing pretty well here.
What was your goal with me? For you to be an airline stewardess or a dental technician.
A very honorable profession.
I'm sorry I let you down.
You know what? I've had it with my mother and her dreams of me being a dental hygienist.
All right-- I've got something to share with this world.
I've got a lot of glitz of my own and I've always felt that I should have at least four other wigs on.
Hi, can I help you? Yeah, um, do you have anything in a, uh, like a teen size? Yes, I do.
Today, I'm going to prove that my mother made a horrible, horrible error in judgment in raising me by not putting me in toddler pageants.
I have some out in my car.
Okay, great.
Thanks.
Okay, thank you.
(Kathy) Look, there's no way i'm gonna miss out on a chance to win an award.
Get me my spray tan and I'm gonna be Puerto Rican in 20 minutes.
(Announcer) Coming up Why not? You're too old to be in a pageant.
I know-- which is weird, because I'm 27.
No.
37? No.
(Andrea) Kathy Griffin, ladies and gentlemen.
(Cheering) all right-- let's go, hon'.
Come on-- it's my turn.
Where's my sticky feet? Right here.
Thank you.
It's imperative that i get a spray tan.
I need to have the abs of a seven year old girl.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Well, I'm in a diaper.
I hope my assistant, Tiffany, is paying attention.
She's going to be changing mine in about a year or two.
If you can't tone it, tan it.
All right, tan it then.
'Cause I can't tone it-- I don't have time.
I'm gonna just practice.
Okay, go like this for me.
Why not? So, I can get the little creases right here on your butt.
My butt crease? Yeah.
Go for it.
They're also spray tanning my butt crack Because if I don't win the main crown, I could win little miss awesome ass crack, congeniality.
(Kathy) Hi, girls.
I'm getting my makeup a little bit bumped up.
So, how much glitter should I use? One hundred.
I'd like 100 glitter, please.
You know, in the pageant world, it's all about your beauty team.
So, I've assembled some of the best.
And their accumulative age is 11.
And do you have any other makeup tips that I can-- um.
The lips go last.
Um, blue.
Do blue color.
Put the lipstick on your lips.
The lips are always last.
I want the lips go last, blue, 100 more color and what they said.
Perfect.
Okay.
You're too old to be in a pageant.
Yeah-- I know, which is weird 'cause I'm 27.
No.
37? 48-100.
Fine, I'm 48-100.
Well, I'm getting a serious talking to, aren't I? First of all, these girls are not very good at math, because I am not 48-100.
I happen to be 48-90, it's on my birth certificate.
Now, are you girls ready to give me some tips on posing or modeling? I can do it.
I'll bet you can.
I will.
Here we go.
All right, prissy walks here we go.
So, show me how it's done.
Prissy is like that where you're moving your hips.
How do I flirt with the judges? Flirt your eyes.
Okay, do you think it's weird that I'm flirting with my own mother because she's a judge.
You'll get points up.
All right, now what do you do with your hands for Miss America Circle? I gotta admit, I got some pretty good advice from my (Deleted).
They hooked my (Deleted) up.
What about the hands? Cupcake.
Cupcakes hands.
Cupcakes hands are like this.
Have your hands bent.
All right, everybody, can we please just prissy walk to the pageant.
Yes.
All right, here we go.
(Kathy) I know, someday, fingers crossed.
i'm taking it all in, the cupcake hands, and the flirting with the judges, and the glazed look.
Fix it-fix my tits.
Move over Giselle, move over chick who's banging Leo DiCaprio, here comes Kathy Griffin.
Of course my mother is judging me.
She's been doing that my whole life and I decided to have the little girls judge me, as well, because I feel the turn about is fair play.
Although I'm scared (Deleted) of those (Deleted), 'cause I think they will cut you.
(Andrea) And we are ready to start the competition.
And we have a very special treat with us for you and for your pleasure.
This is Kathy Griffin, ladies and gentlemen.
i have an amazingly hot bikini bod.
I believe it's called a "banging bikini bod.
" Um, it's-it's not genetic, if you've seen my mother.
When I saw Kathy walk out on that stage i was horrified.
Shamelessly showing her body, especially all over the place.
I thought her body looked pretty good, but I won't mention that to her.
I won't tell her that.
Only encourage her.
(Andrea) Kathy Griffin.
(Kathy) I have decided that my mother's expression of horror is her way of smiling and saying, "I couldn't be prouder.
" (Maggie) Well, you know, Kathy did want to go to the Sears Roebuck Charm school and I think I just couldn't see it.
Now, she's got this bug for her to be in passions.
Maybe I made a mistake.
Maybe she would have gotten it outta her system earlier.
You know what-- if my mom doesn't like it, then that makes me wanna jump higher, work harder, and tan darker.
Nothing says "wow" like a middle aged woman dressed as a naughty cowgirl.
Kinda like this, "wow!" That cowgirl routine was just flawless.
(Cheering) (Kathy) For my final pageant walk I decided that I also should have some-- what they call "wow wear.
" I'm bringing it.
(Andrea) Let's give her a nice round of applause, ladies and gentlemen, Kathy Griffin.
(Andrea) Kathy Griffin, ladies and gentlemen, her hobbies include telling it like it is and sticking it to the man, and crawling her way to the top? And when Kathy grows up she wants to be just like Paula Abdul.
And one word that best describes Kathy would be phony.
Let's give her a nice round of applause, ladies and gentlemen, Kathy Griffin.
(Applause) (Kathy) I'm not gonna lie-- it's the happiest day of my life.
I can't help it.
It-it's shame based.
I know it's shame based, but this is the happiest day of my life.
Oh, my God-- where are we gonna go next weekend? It's about making a connection with people, and that's what I learned today is about.
It might look like a festering ground for inappropriate behavior with underage children, but it's not.
How much did I shame you today? Well, I-I was pretty embarrassed about it.
Was there any bright side? It was kinda funny.
I knew it.
It was funny.
So, I'll get over it in time.
And you know what-- I'm not gonna let age be a barrier.
No, well, it might be kinda tough, though.
You mean 'cause one of the girls called me 48-100? (Kathy) As the current Miss Elegant lady of Ontario, California, I deserve a remodeled house.
When team Griffin left for the pageant it was being torn down for renovation.
Now, we're back and I can't wait to see it.
(deleted).
Where's the floor? Um, we don't have floors here in Beirut, Lebanon.
Oh, my God! This is, um, demolition phase.
The bar's gone.
All right, look-- Rome wasn't built in a day.
And also you know plans, uh, can come to me in my dreams.
I hear Stevie Wonder writes songs like that.
This is not gonna be that hard.
We now just have to build the team that is going to actually, sort of build the house back up.
But you had no plan.
Yeah, there's no plan here.
The plan is that you are going to come up with a plan and I'm gonna prove it.
I'm not a general contractor.
Why limit yourself? I think it's just gonna be Tiffany and I designing the place now.
And I-I don't know exactly what's happening.
So, okay, so, I'm gonna call electricians.
I have to call plumbers.
Okay, what else do we need? How hard can it be? We need general carpet-uh, contractor.
A framer-- I don't know.
What's a framer? So, everyone thinks I don't have a plan.
But I do.
And my plan is, there's not a plan.
So we are on schedule because we don't have a schedule.
You guys have to dust this up.
This is not good for me.
I'm a professional-- (Tiffany) I have phone calls to make! Oh, I want all lesbians.
(Tom) All right.
That's a plan.
I'm not gonna sleep for the next three months.
(Drilling) Crazy.
(Announcer) Coming up They took the bar away.
Yeah, I didn't know how to tell you.
Oh, my God, Kathy! (Kathy) You know what-- i want to share this.
Let's call it an "adventure of the remodel" with my mom, which is kinda hard, because my mom never wants me to spend any money ever.
So, I'm gonna have to kind of ease her through this journey and convince her that it's certainly more economic than buying a new home.
(Maggie) What happened here? I don't even know where I am.
This is an exciting remodel.
I really care about my mom.
And so I'm giving her a dust mask for her own safety.
And so I can not understand her (Deleted).
You took the bar away.
Yeah, I didn't know how to tell you.
Oh, my God, Kathy! Is this the most horrible moment of your life? Yeah, well, you know how everybody loved it when you had parties.
Everybody hung around the-- wow! Look at this! Can't you picture it, ma? Oh, my God! Hold on-- there's a bright spot.
All right, here, hold this open for me.
All right.
The 'frigerator's still on.
Oh? Oh, for God's sake! My gosh! Every cloud has a silver lining.
Oh, Kathy, that is so thoughtful of you.
Well, I'm gonna chance it and just have a little sip of it.
Just take the mask off for one second.
Oh, my gosh, wait a minute.
I can see you're in crisis right now.
I am.
This is total shock.
I'm in total shock.
I know.
Total shock.
I know.
Look, I've put my mom through a lot.
First there was the kiddy pageant, then I destroyed my own bar.
I owe my mom glass of apology.
Chilled.
I'm tipping it for good luck.
See? The more you drink of that, the more this remodel is done.
It won't look bad.
It will look nice and pretty almost.
(Sighing) (Maggie) Yeah, but you took your little bar down.
(Kathy) That's all you're talking about is the bars.
Next time, on "My Life on the D-list.
" I'm going to Alaska to find love.
In that outfit? Hey! Give me sugar.
You know I've been with Levi.
I'm still sore-- I'm still sore.
By the state of Alaska, you guys are married.
Whoa-whoa! That's a hockey shot.
That's your ass.
That's a ass.
Oh.
Don't act like you haven't seen it.
(Kathy) I got an A-list gig guest starring on "Law and Order: SVU.
" Whoa! Please help me rehearse, because I'm scared (Deleted).
I should be out there.
I feel so goddamn! (Man) Cut! Every time they say "cut," to me I hear, "you sucked.
" Shh! Here comes my scene with Mariska.
They cut the kiss! Well she's such a good actress, where you don't quite-- can I just thank the lord Jesus, that you're not on the emmy voting panel.
When you're living life on the D-list "Toddlers and Remodelers" All right, so one of my side gigs is, I do this show called, "The Insider" right? And it's just like an entertainment show.
It has this panel of "experts.
" Uh, once again, very similar to Christiane Amanpour's work Because, you know, what I do for you is I go deep.
You know what I mean? I'm doing some hard-core reporting.
I had lunch with Kate Gosselin, and the body guard she's banging.
I don't know-- i have no proof.
Allegedly-- I'm just a mere reporter.
Um, he is hot, though-- the body guard's hot.
I (Deleted) him, too.
And after that (Deleted) tool, Jon Gosselin, I (Deleted) a hole in a piece of fruit.
Who gives a (Deleted)? That guy's the worst.
I should warn you Later on, I get a little bit dirty.
(Lara Spencer) Hello.
(Kathy) Lara Spencer, ladies and gentlemen.
(Lara) I got a bunch of pillows.
I-I don't know if they're gonna work for the long term, but they were really cheap, and I think the colors are right, so And look at this cute waste basket.
You might know Lara Spencer from "The Insider.
" (Announcer) It's time to take a side.
Which side are you on? But I know her from "what are you doing for my house?" You get the idea.
Just like, you have this big tall ceiling.
And I'd like just like a little pop, a pop here and there.
She's kind of the ideal friend because she has a "passion," which means she's "crazy" for design and decoration, and I love it! Lara Spencer, who you know is a television host, but also has whole secret life.
And a sickness.
Yeah, but this is sort of like how Tiger, the whole time, had a secret like.
This is like-- you're Rachel Uchitel.
Oh? This is your double life that people don't know about.
And you bankroll it.
And I love it.
You bankroll my addiction, so, thank you.
Kathy and I have created this great friendship.
It all started when she came on the show, on "The Insider.
" And then, of course we're taking it to-- to the wall? Yes.
We're going to the walls here? (Lara) We found out that we have a lot in common.
So, I hang out here quite a bit.
I love that you wanted to add chartreuse, a little pop of pink.
(Kathy) Uh-hmm.
I feel like we're good.
It just like ties it all together.
She wants to have a movie star house, and she loves how, when she sees movie star's houses in magazines, how everything's always, like, right where it should be.
You're moving the candles? Well, yeah, because here's why.
No, relax, everybody.
(Laughing) I am a nervous wreck.
And then this can go here.
I follow her around and like move stuff.
It's really sad, actually.
I love that you think of stuff I would never think of.
Well, I'm not sure, kath' on this one.
But I still-- there's not one thing that I haven't loved.
Seeing what Lara has done in the bedroom, I've caught the bug.
I mean, I might wanna-- oh, I don't know, do the whole place.
My house is the most stylish pad in Hollywood If it were 1987.
I mean, let's face it-- you can pretty much picture "Duran Duran" doing some blow on my countertop without a Matt.
And so I'm calling in designer to the stars, Kenny Davis, to pitch me a whole new look.
I want a real life "A-list redo" on my house.
I want this to be Dakota Fanning's first house, as soon as she turns 14.
Hello.
Hello.
Yes.
Hey, I'm Kathy.
Hi, Kenny-- great to meet you.
Hi, Kathy, Kenny.
My pleasure-- such a pleasure.
This is Pom-Pom.
Hi, Pom-Pom.
She'll be your co-designer.
My big goal today is to first meet with Kathy, and really inspire her to dream big, dream huge.
What do you-- what do you really dream of your environment to be? All right-- I want people to walk in and think that they're having an "A-list" experience, and be a little intimidated, maybe.
Whatever it is she wants, whether it's a Bob Mackie dress from Cher's collection that I turn into a chair, or it's opening up a wall.
Let's knock out some walls, Kathy.
Let's open up this house.
Emotionally? The house is -D-list, and let's make it "A-list.
" First of all, let's just get rid of all this furniture.
We need to drop a magnificent chandelier.
I have no idea what these disco lights are.
I'm not really sure what this is.
This is just so not appropriate whatsoever.
What is this? I don't know what that is.
I tried to copy the arch of my eyebrows, after my last brow lift.
I thought that was the inspiration.
(Laughing) Just my immediate impression right now, you have this cumbersome, uh, fireplace which is faux finish, which is tired and dated and-- my face is basically a faux finish.
(Kenny) We're going to put in a new fireplace.
Kenny clearly has an interior design hard-on, and he wants to (Deleted) The (Deleted) out of my house, which is fine with me-- let's get the lube.
Just my immediate impression-- again, it's the first time I'm seeing the house.
Okay.
But would be 12 inch tiles.
This is not an adobe house.
Let's bring it up to date.
Thirteen inch tiles.
You know what I'm saying-- no, let's go bigger.
Let's go five foot.
That's a tile that is the size of the body.
You're saying tile that goes from here.
So, we wanna go as grandiose as possible.
That looks good.
And then we take Kathy Lee Gifford and put her this way and then, that's the size of the tiles-- oh, boy! It's all about Kathy.
It's about me channeling Kathy's personality Which would you say is more tragic, this house or Abu Ghraib prison.
And making her living environment be one with her.
It's a huge drain.
It's an undertaking.
It's gonna become a reality.
Okay-- it's also a ten week dream, 'cause you know I'm actually moving out and living in a rental house.
I'm gonna rock you out.
Okay, I'm gonna dream delicious thoughts.
Just hot.
Hot.
Two t's? Hot and glamorous and sexy.
Sexy.
H-a-u-t-e.
Haute.
Okay? I'm not intimidated by the three month deadline.
That which should take about 12 to 14-16 months, we will make it happen in six weeks.
Six-- well, pardon me, eight weeks Twelve weeks-- pardon me.
(Kathy) This isn't my first renovation, so I know what's coming.
This place is just gonna be a big ol' pile of dust.
And, you know, a bunch of old boards and broken glass Like the inside of my vagina after a long weekend.
I don't wanna go there again.
Okay, explain to me, again, why we're taking my mother's music stand and she doesn't play any instruments.
It's, um, an antique.
No-- she bought it at sears.
So we're moving into this temporary house for ten weeks.
Most of my stuff is going into storage eventually, but I'm moving some of the "keepsakes" into the rental house.
And by "keepsakes," I mean my mom's shite.
We're taking her milking stool.
Looks like a shoe shine, shoe shine stool.
She's milking my career-- that's what she's milking.
Let's do it.
You totally wanna do it.
Oh, God, oh God! Let go of me.
(Tom) Tiffany ripped my perfectly good sweatshirt.
If she'd just let me go, I would have had a nice sweatshirt and I probably would have taken silver, I think.
I don't know.
Say "good-bye" to the old place, guys.
(Tom singing) we're on our way to the perfect place the perfect place Yes, hello, everyone.
It's me, Kathy Griffin-- I'm your new neighbor.
Knock, knock-- who needs a cup of sugar? Not that kind-- shut up, you guys! I love this block party-- this is great! No, you can park there-- it's totally cool.
I'm just the new neighbor.
Okay, well, I'll see you guys at the fourth of July Christmas party.
Here's our new home.
(Tiffany) See? What's this? Uh, gay.
So, of course i rented a house from a couple of gays I know.
They're on vacation for ten weeks, so I'm moving in, while they're away.
Hey, what the hell's on the wall? Naked men.
This part I like, actually.
I don't mind the naked gay dudes.
I think that's kinda cool.
I have no problem with that, and certainly Tiffany doesn't.
Although she's probably pissed that they're white.
So, we'll try to sneak in a couple of naked African American gay dudes for her.
I didn't see the porcelain dog collection.
(Kathy) Obviously, my friends are collectors.
And they are a collector of bric-a-brac and gay.
I collect gay, don't get me wrong.
I'm not so in the to the bric-a-brac.
And there's a lot of figurines.
There are snow globes, and there's also some expressive art That is avant-gaayrde.
(Kathy) So, I've asked my pal, Lara to lunch.
Hello.
Sorry I'm late.
You're not.
Oh, good.
And believe it or not, it's not about decorating this time, but I've got something really juicy to bring up with her, and she likes to dish.
Oh, yeah.
As you know I have several careers.
Which one are we today? And-- I'm going to become an investigative journalist, that's why I'm wearing a blazer.
I'm going deep in the kiddy pageant world.
I love that.
Yeah.
I have many obsessions-- one of them happens to be toddler pageants.
I'm not ashamed of it.
I'm a little ashamed of it.
I love toddler pageants.
I've been inspired by one of my appearances on "The Insider.
" No way.
We're gonna take it to the wall, right now, with Kathy's favorite beauty pageant contestant.
From "Toddlers and Tiaras" we have little eden here and her mom, Nikki.
You're now five-years-old-- it might be over for you.
No! What about this? "California Gold Coast Pageant Production"-- oh, no! The "2010 Inland Empire Valentine's Sweetheart Beauty Pageant" "at the Ontario Hilton.
" You are judging this? No, I'm-- I'm a celebrity guest judge.
I'm going to Ontario, baby.
I'm Ontario, California bound.
You cannot ask a pageant mother-- about their hymen? If their daughter is-is a floozy? Has had her hymen busted.
Kathy, you cannot do that.
I want Kathy to make it through the entire pageant without getting thrown out.
She has to pretend that she's really, you know, watching the competition and not just laughing at them.
I'm taking my mother, who doesn't technically know, yet.
So, I won't say anything.
She'll be drunk when you talk to her-- it's fine.
Okay.
When you're judging are you gonna be nice? No.
Oh, no.
But I'm gonna be fun.
(Tiffany) Coming up When will she be starting her acting classes.
Probably at one years old.
You're gonna wait 'til she's one? (Cheering) Oh, God! This is worse than I feared.
i've already moved out, but I'm heading back to my real home to meet with designer, Kenny, to see his final plans before i put my stuff in storage and start the demolition.
She's gonna, like, freak on this stuff.
She's gonna be so excited.
He's bringing architectural drawings and I really need it to be "A-list.
" We are going to take this wall, we're going to outline that in a wood.
We are going to sandblast your beams.
I am about making Kathy happy.
There are couple things which I'll be steadfast about.
I'm going to blowout this entire wall.
The knocking out of walls.
It's also gonna, uh, be about what we can actually do.
I recognize that in fact there is a main bearing beam there.
It holds the house up.
I know that.
I need her to unleash me, not castrate me.
We can do it.
Walk in-- bam, and you have a glass wall.
I know a lot of contractors will come here and say, "Kenny, of you're out of your mind.
"You're not able to cut out a main baring wall.
" Ultimately, I frankly don't give a (Deleted).
Tuscan.
Super stunning, super sexy.
And let's have some water plants coming up.
What makes a Kenny design is pops of color.
Not a hint, but a pop of color.
I don't want a hint-- I want a pop.
Anybody can hint.
John Mayer is gonna eat out Taylor Swift's (Deleted) In this furniture.
That's the kind of (Deleted) we're going for.
Where would John Mayer have sex with Taylor Swift? That's the look I want.
What do you think about this? As a skirt? It's a silk chiffon and a pleated ruffle.
I think it's exquisite.
You don't get gayer than that.
That is the gayest thing I've ever heard in my life.
This is your kitchen-- it's hideous.
I don't mean that in a rude manner.
How can I take "hideous" in a negative connotation? Clean, linear, delicious, gorgeous.
That's what Kenny's about.
You do like it? (Kathy) Of course-- it's incredible! It's dazzling It's a-a-a.
Okay, darling.
Okay, thank you so much.
Thank you.
Kenny's ideas are great and they are big.
Um, maybe a little too big? We'll see you soon.
All right.
I'll be here.
Okay, bye-bye.
Thank you.
So, I better talk to a professional amateur, my friend, Lara.
Spencie? (Lara) Yeah, come on in.
I have this designer, Kenny.
Yeah-- how's it going with him? Look, he's super cool, 'cause he's got amazing style.
But I'm gonna be honest-- I'm afraid that "the dream" as he calls it, "the dream" is too big of a dream.
Kenny is dreaming for me, like I'm a big A-lister, and he's not getting that I'm just someone who makes fun of the A-listers.
So, I don't have "A-list" money, I have "person-who-makes fun-of-A-lister" money.
He did like Celine Dion's closets.
He does big fancy production design.
He actually-actually, like, did part of the Cher show-- what was his budget? Did he lay out a budget for you? No.
Because he just kept telling me to "dream big," which scares me.
Well, I would be scared.
So, Kathy called me and she is freaking out.
She loved that Kenny dreamed big, but he dreamed really big.
Can we-- can I take an hour and go grab breakfast and go look at her? She's got an interior designer.
She wants to show me her plans.
Sure.
(Kathy) Can we do it? With the floors, the color.
(Kathy) Knocking the wall all out, gutting the kitchen.
(Lara) Two fire places.
Two fire places in glass.
The kitchen.
Ten weeks.
Nah.
At ten weeks and one day she's gonna be at that front door, this little red head, "I'm ready!" And if it's not ready, oh, boy.
Kenny has this dream, which is beautiful.
And if I was Celine Dion I would say go for it.
It just doesn't make sense.
No, I wanna move out for as little time as possible, move back in and enjoy.
Nah.
(Kathy) Look, I'm sorry, Kenny, I love you and you're A-list dreams and your awesome feathered hair.
But that probably would have taken a lot more time than I have.
So, Kenny might be out, but this bitch is still in.
As is this whole project.
I've already moved out, demolition is starting.
This ship has sailed.
(Kathy) That's right, I said, "boys, take a hammer to all of it.
" So, yeah, it might look like I tore up my kitchen today and I don't have a plan.
But guess what? That's exactly what happened.
We have no plan.
Construction's already crazy in the kitchen, living room, and foyer.
And we have no fire place now.
(Kathy) I started out improvisation.
And that's how I decided to do my improvirenization.
Yeah.
That's how I started I was in the ground links.
You know, that's what this house is like.
It's like a scene that I have no idea how it's going to end.
(Kathy) Look, I gotta get away from all this construction.
So, I've planned a little road trip with my mother.
Won't that be fun? She doesn't technically know yet.
All right, ma, have a seat.
Oh, okay, fine-- this looks great.
I ordered you some nice soup.
Oh, wow! Why you rearranging the cutlery.
Well, I don't know, because I don't know what's gonna happen.
You sure don't.
We are going to Ontario, California.
Oh? I've never been to Ontario.
Why would you go-- it's a (Deleted) hole.
I'm gonna make one of your dreams come true.
All right-- what is that? You and I are judging a kiddy pageant.
Oh, my God! Where they take the little kids like Jonbenét Ramsey and they put crazy whore make-up on 'em.
Oh, my gosh! Isn't that gonna be great? I don't think I'm qualified to do something like that.
I've kind of technically already committed you to being a judge.
I've never done-- I've never judged a kids-- and it's on the literature.
So, you can't back out of it.
Oh, my God! The Ontario Hilton? Oh hotel? Will Paris be there? Yeah, mom-- I think Paris probably hangs out at the Ontario Hilton.
All right.
And Nikki, too.
This has gotta be awful.
Baby and toddler pageant, ages babies to two years.
I want those babies in eveningwear, or g-string-- g-string and pasties.
First of all, all babies are gorgeous.
How do you judge-- okay, no.
Some babies are ugly.
I don't think so.
Well, you're gonna have to tell the ugly ones that they're not cutting the mustard.
That's hard for me.
It's gonna be very difficult.
You have to be brutally honest.
Uh, excuse me.
You didn't have that much trouble when I was growing up.
Oh.
I need to have my mom along to judge with me, because I think she needs to come to terms with the fact that she robbed me of my childhood, the one I should have had.
Not the one where I went to school and, you know, ate regularly.
The one where I should have been entered in beauty pageants when I was two (Deleted) weeks old.
Although, I would have happily started it at a week, 'cause you gotta have an edge.
Is there a room I could go in and rest or take a nap or something? By rest you mean We need kind of a little protection maybe.
Bodyguards? Yeah.
Can we get in and out of there? We'll get security.
Especially out.
I'm really nervous about this already.
I like how you're fearing for your life at a kiddy pageant.
they're living up, mom-- it's fierce competition.
So, my official job is to judge the pageant.
But, oh, no-- I'm not stopping there.
Look, I'm going deep undercover here.
I'm like Christiane Amanpour with the flat jacket and the seven second delay "live from Bagdad.
" It's like that.
Now, are these your first heels? Are they hard to walk in? Yeah.
'Cause sometimes, I am like a tired drag queen.
You know what I mean? I can barely get home 5:00 in the morning.
I'm going in deep.
I don't know what to expect, but I'm getting answers.
I wanna know what makes these kids, or little ladies, or small men tick.
Would you call her a fierce competitor? Um, yeah.
(Kathy) Should we talk about her first facelift? I would wait a few weeks.
You know, you don't wanna do it like Heidi Montag, too young.
Definitely before state.
Do you girls have any beauty tips for me? Any make-up or hair tips? Yes-- go ahead.
Chanel.
I have a Chanel watch on.
Yeah, it is.
(Announcer) Coming up Do we take points off if they're hysterically crying or do we think that that's human? Oh, God! I'm going back to the church, after this.
So, how much glitter should I use? A hundred.
I'd like a hundred glitter, please.
If you can't tone it, tan it.
Why not? Look, hailey, there is a window in Hollywood and it closes very fast.
We're going to be asking the tough questions to these kids today.
So, they better put on their sparkly headbands and answer.
No more carbs, Pilates four-five hours a day.
It's tough out there, and these kids need to know it.
This is Isabella.
Isabella.
This is Scarlett.
Scarlett.
Yes.
Okay, now what celebrities are they dating? I'm four right now, but I'll be five in a couple years.
I think somebody will say anything to win.
When will she be starting her acting classes? Um, probably at one years old.
As soon as she can stand up.
You're gonna wait till she's one? Would you like to see the "don't ask, don't tell" policy reversed? Yes, ma'am.
I would stay away from Charlie Sheen.
But Jon Cryer is fine.
One, two, three.
Yes, ma'am.
This is our first real judging gig.
It's a very, very important moment In their lives.
So, mom, they're gonna explain all of our duties.
Oh, okay, good.
Which we're taking very seriously.
Hi, everybody-- I'm Kathy.
This is my mom, Maggie.
There was an array of judges.
There were some moms, there was my mom, there was me.
And then there was a couple gentlemen there that we like to call local business men Who may never marry, because they choose not to.
What's the drill-- how does this work? Okay.
Now, if you notice in front of you, you'll have a score sheet.
(Kathy) All right.
And there's different categories.
We have "modeling," one to ten points.
Next category is "pageant attire.
" The last division is "beauty" one to twenty points.
And what are your tips on judging "beauty?" Today, you're gonna see a lot of hair on little girls.
Some of it may be not necessarily growing from their head.
If you see a little girl that comes on stage and it looks ridiculous, I would probably score her maybe a point or two off.
Do we take points off if they're hysterically crying? No.
Or do we feel that that's human? One of the qualities that I look for, as an official pageant judge, is the children who cry the least.
So, I guess I'm outta luck.
Here's what we don't take off points.
It's like the rule of thumb, braces, um, teeth that are missing.
Are we going to see any flippers? You'll see flippers, you'llee lots of wigs.
(Kathy) Okay.
Lots of spray tan.
Yes! Okay, will you please explain to my mother what a flipper is.
It's like a little retainer and there's two little front teeth on the front.
And it just clips in and it fills the gaps.
You know what a partial kinda looks like, or a retainer? Does she know what a partial denture is? Some judges have low-balled someone, so someone else can win.
Though, if we notice that some fishiness is going on, she'll void the whole score sheet out.
That's all directed toward you.
You know, we just want to see a little princess.
Maybe this is inappropriate and maybe this is the inappropriate time, but I'd like to confront you, right now.
I feel that you never saw me as a princess or once labeled me a "princess" and now I'm bitter.
I'm sorry, Kathy.
I have confronted her and she just went on and on and on about something about having to just raise us and send us to school.
That coulda been me.
Okay, so any last questions? What is the technical policy on actual cash bribery? (Kathy) Oh, don't mind me.
Don't mind me.
I thought the girls needed some inspiration.
I brought my emmys to the table, because I think it's important that these girls have a goal.
And it's not to grow up and have families or be loved.
It's to win awards.
The sooner they learn that, the better, because it's true.
(Crying) In the kiddy pageant world, there are several age groups.
Starting with the two-week old contestants.
It's like judging a meatloaf with a bandanna.
(Andrea) Let's start the competition out, judges, audience this is contestant number one.
Oh, good God! This is worse than I had feared.
it's great to see these kids before they go into celebrity rehab and then sober house To see their roots.
(Kathy) It was really fun judging the infants.
You're judging them on their poise, their character, and if they (Deleted) themselves in their diaper while being held by their gay father allegedly.
All right, so mom, this is when the going gets tough, and you know what happens.
I know.
The tough get going.
Judges, audience, this is contestant number one.
The important thing about judging the four year old category is to let them know that they're loved, and that six is just around the corner.
Come on, ladies-- the sun's about to set.
(Andrea) Contestant number two.
Let's give her a nice round of applause.
(Cheering) And this is contestant number three.
We're on to the next.
Come on.
Wait, I got to-- well, we're onto the next.
Well, we're on to the next one.
(Andrea) And we've moving on to contestant number four.
This is Jordan Walker.
Jordan? Wait a minute.
I haven't got Jordan.
Took my mom forever to vote.
All right-- it's not the health care bill.
Taking me forever.
I'm real serious about this.
You gotta be balanced between looking and writing.
She's falling way behind.
She's not getting these kids into Oxford, all right? They're not even getting into-- let's face it-- shop class at their public High School.
(Screaming) (Maggie) Oh, poor little kid.
Yeah, she got stage fright at the last minute.
She probably great at home and then she gets out here.
It's scary-- the music, all the-- or maybe the other girls were getting inside her head and messing with her.
(Kathy) So, the little girls got trophies that were bigger than their bodies.
Then it got really weird.
all right, someone call the Boston Archdiocese and tell them to all go home today.
You know that these kids are going right into hustling.
I'm sure that's-- I mean to say "school.
" (Kathy) The boys won so much gold it would make Johnny Weir weep with envy.
And then the clothes started coming off.
(Kathy) I love the swimsuit competition because it's just fun and sunny and it's great to see very small strippers.
Oh, God! (Kathy) The thing to remember about strippers is they're the ones in control.
That's what my straight guy friends say that go to strip clubs And watch incest survivors dance for them.
(Kathy) Well, one girl came out as cupid and she actually shot me with a feathered bow and arrow.
Which went right through my heart Until it stopped at the part that was coal.
(cheering) (Kathy) You know it really hurt me to turn around and see the moms that were, you know, kind of mimicking the kid's routines and then looking over at my lump next to me.
When I was two weeks old she should have been practicing dance routines with me, buying me, you know, um, sequin underpants, normal stuff.
I'd love to know from the kids what do they have a-a goal.
I like that you think they have a choice in the matter.
As usual, the stripper takes the crown.
We are ready for the very beautiful, anxiously awaiting, tiny miss division.
This is contestant number on, Allison Let's give her a nice round of applause, okay? (Applause) She can re-purpose that dress later for her wedding in three years.
Oh, yeah.
(Kathy) Well, I'm really impressed by these ladies in their glitz wear.
It allegedly appears that they have each been injected with a sedative similar to propofol.
(Andrea) Her favorite person is her daddy.
It's a lot of time and effort put into this.
And I won-- I wish I knew what the goal really was.
Well, they like, uh, crowns.
Well, I know, but the crown can only go so far.
I mean, what are you gonna do with a crown? It define- it defines you.
I like how my mom's acting all high and mighty about, "oh, what's the point?" And "they put all this together for what?" The whole point of being a pretty lady is to be seen as a whore-like object.
And I think we're doing pretty well here.
What was your goal with me? For you to be an airline stewardess or a dental technician.
A very honorable profession.
I'm sorry I let you down.
You know what? I've had it with my mother and her dreams of me being a dental hygienist.
All right-- I've got something to share with this world.
I've got a lot of glitz of my own and I've always felt that I should have at least four other wigs on.
Hi, can I help you? Yeah, um, do you have anything in a, uh, like a teen size? Yes, I do.
Today, I'm going to prove that my mother made a horrible, horrible error in judgment in raising me by not putting me in toddler pageants.
I have some out in my car.
Okay, great.
Thanks.
Okay, thank you.
(Kathy) Look, there's no way i'm gonna miss out on a chance to win an award.
Get me my spray tan and I'm gonna be Puerto Rican in 20 minutes.
(Announcer) Coming up Why not? You're too old to be in a pageant.
I know-- which is weird, because I'm 27.
No.
37? No.
(Andrea) Kathy Griffin, ladies and gentlemen.
(Cheering) all right-- let's go, hon'.
Come on-- it's my turn.
Where's my sticky feet? Right here.
Thank you.
It's imperative that i get a spray tan.
I need to have the abs of a seven year old girl.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Well, I'm in a diaper.
I hope my assistant, Tiffany, is paying attention.
She's going to be changing mine in about a year or two.
If you can't tone it, tan it.
All right, tan it then.
'Cause I can't tone it-- I don't have time.
I'm gonna just practice.
Okay, go like this for me.
Why not? So, I can get the little creases right here on your butt.
My butt crease? Yeah.
Go for it.
They're also spray tanning my butt crack Because if I don't win the main crown, I could win little miss awesome ass crack, congeniality.
(Kathy) Hi, girls.
I'm getting my makeup a little bit bumped up.
So, how much glitter should I use? One hundred.
I'd like 100 glitter, please.
You know, in the pageant world, it's all about your beauty team.
So, I've assembled some of the best.
And their accumulative age is 11.
And do you have any other makeup tips that I can-- um.
The lips go last.
Um, blue.
Do blue color.
Put the lipstick on your lips.
The lips are always last.
I want the lips go last, blue, 100 more color and what they said.
Perfect.
Okay.
You're too old to be in a pageant.
Yeah-- I know, which is weird 'cause I'm 27.
No.
37? 48-100.
Fine, I'm 48-100.
Well, I'm getting a serious talking to, aren't I? First of all, these girls are not very good at math, because I am not 48-100.
I happen to be 48-90, it's on my birth certificate.
Now, are you girls ready to give me some tips on posing or modeling? I can do it.
I'll bet you can.
I will.
Here we go.
All right, prissy walks here we go.
So, show me how it's done.
Prissy is like that where you're moving your hips.
How do I flirt with the judges? Flirt your eyes.
Okay, do you think it's weird that I'm flirting with my own mother because she's a judge.
You'll get points up.
All right, now what do you do with your hands for Miss America Circle? I gotta admit, I got some pretty good advice from my (Deleted).
They hooked my (Deleted) up.
What about the hands? Cupcake.
Cupcakes hands.
Cupcakes hands are like this.
Have your hands bent.
All right, everybody, can we please just prissy walk to the pageant.
Yes.
All right, here we go.
(Kathy) I know, someday, fingers crossed.
i'm taking it all in, the cupcake hands, and the flirting with the judges, and the glazed look.
Fix it-fix my tits.
Move over Giselle, move over chick who's banging Leo DiCaprio, here comes Kathy Griffin.
Of course my mother is judging me.
She's been doing that my whole life and I decided to have the little girls judge me, as well, because I feel the turn about is fair play.
Although I'm scared (Deleted) of those (Deleted), 'cause I think they will cut you.
(Andrea) And we are ready to start the competition.
And we have a very special treat with us for you and for your pleasure.
This is Kathy Griffin, ladies and gentlemen.
i have an amazingly hot bikini bod.
I believe it's called a "banging bikini bod.
" Um, it's-it's not genetic, if you've seen my mother.
When I saw Kathy walk out on that stage i was horrified.
Shamelessly showing her body, especially all over the place.
I thought her body looked pretty good, but I won't mention that to her.
I won't tell her that.
Only encourage her.
(Andrea) Kathy Griffin.
(Kathy) I have decided that my mother's expression of horror is her way of smiling and saying, "I couldn't be prouder.
" (Maggie) Well, you know, Kathy did want to go to the Sears Roebuck Charm school and I think I just couldn't see it.
Now, she's got this bug for her to be in passions.
Maybe I made a mistake.
Maybe she would have gotten it outta her system earlier.
You know what-- if my mom doesn't like it, then that makes me wanna jump higher, work harder, and tan darker.
Nothing says "wow" like a middle aged woman dressed as a naughty cowgirl.
Kinda like this, "wow!" That cowgirl routine was just flawless.
(Cheering) (Kathy) For my final pageant walk I decided that I also should have some-- what they call "wow wear.
" I'm bringing it.
(Andrea) Let's give her a nice round of applause, ladies and gentlemen, Kathy Griffin.
(Andrea) Kathy Griffin, ladies and gentlemen, her hobbies include telling it like it is and sticking it to the man, and crawling her way to the top? And when Kathy grows up she wants to be just like Paula Abdul.
And one word that best describes Kathy would be phony.
Let's give her a nice round of applause, ladies and gentlemen, Kathy Griffin.
(Applause) (Kathy) I'm not gonna lie-- it's the happiest day of my life.
I can't help it.
It-it's shame based.
I know it's shame based, but this is the happiest day of my life.
Oh, my God-- where are we gonna go next weekend? It's about making a connection with people, and that's what I learned today is about.
It might look like a festering ground for inappropriate behavior with underage children, but it's not.
How much did I shame you today? Well, I-I was pretty embarrassed about it.
Was there any bright side? It was kinda funny.
I knew it.
It was funny.
So, I'll get over it in time.
And you know what-- I'm not gonna let age be a barrier.
No, well, it might be kinda tough, though.
You mean 'cause one of the girls called me 48-100? (Kathy) As the current Miss Elegant lady of Ontario, California, I deserve a remodeled house.
When team Griffin left for the pageant it was being torn down for renovation.
Now, we're back and I can't wait to see it.
(deleted).
Where's the floor? Um, we don't have floors here in Beirut, Lebanon.
Oh, my God! This is, um, demolition phase.
The bar's gone.
All right, look-- Rome wasn't built in a day.
And also you know plans, uh, can come to me in my dreams.
I hear Stevie Wonder writes songs like that.
This is not gonna be that hard.
We now just have to build the team that is going to actually, sort of build the house back up.
But you had no plan.
Yeah, there's no plan here.
The plan is that you are going to come up with a plan and I'm gonna prove it.
I'm not a general contractor.
Why limit yourself? I think it's just gonna be Tiffany and I designing the place now.
And I-I don't know exactly what's happening.
So, okay, so, I'm gonna call electricians.
I have to call plumbers.
Okay, what else do we need? How hard can it be? We need general carpet-uh, contractor.
A framer-- I don't know.
What's a framer? So, everyone thinks I don't have a plan.
But I do.
And my plan is, there's not a plan.
So we are on schedule because we don't have a schedule.
You guys have to dust this up.
This is not good for me.
I'm a professional-- (Tiffany) I have phone calls to make! Oh, I want all lesbians.
(Tom) All right.
That's a plan.
I'm not gonna sleep for the next three months.
(Drilling) Crazy.
(Announcer) Coming up They took the bar away.
Yeah, I didn't know how to tell you.
Oh, my God, Kathy! (Kathy) You know what-- i want to share this.
Let's call it an "adventure of the remodel" with my mom, which is kinda hard, because my mom never wants me to spend any money ever.
So, I'm gonna have to kind of ease her through this journey and convince her that it's certainly more economic than buying a new home.
(Maggie) What happened here? I don't even know where I am.
This is an exciting remodel.
I really care about my mom.
And so I'm giving her a dust mask for her own safety.
And so I can not understand her (Deleted).
You took the bar away.
Yeah, I didn't know how to tell you.
Oh, my God, Kathy! Is this the most horrible moment of your life? Yeah, well, you know how everybody loved it when you had parties.
Everybody hung around the-- wow! Look at this! Can't you picture it, ma? Oh, my God! Hold on-- there's a bright spot.
All right, here, hold this open for me.
All right.
The 'frigerator's still on.
Oh? Oh, for God's sake! My gosh! Every cloud has a silver lining.
Oh, Kathy, that is so thoughtful of you.
Well, I'm gonna chance it and just have a little sip of it.
Just take the mask off for one second.
Oh, my gosh, wait a minute.
I can see you're in crisis right now.
I am.
This is total shock.
I'm in total shock.
I know.
Total shock.
I know.
Look, I've put my mom through a lot.
First there was the kiddy pageant, then I destroyed my own bar.
I owe my mom glass of apology.
Chilled.
I'm tipping it for good luck.
See? The more you drink of that, the more this remodel is done.
It won't look bad.
It will look nice and pretty almost.
(Sighing) (Maggie) Yeah, but you took your little bar down.
(Kathy) That's all you're talking about is the bars.
Next time, on "My Life on the D-list.
" I'm going to Alaska to find love.
In that outfit? Hey! Give me sugar.
You know I've been with Levi.
I'm still sore-- I'm still sore.
By the state of Alaska, you guys are married.
Whoa-whoa! That's a hockey shot.
That's your ass.
That's a ass.
Oh.
Don't act like you haven't seen it.