Keeping Up Appearances s03e04 Episode Script
How to Go on Holiday without Really Trying
( theme music playing ) OH, YES, YES, YES.
I DO SO AGREE.
OH, YES.
OH, EVERY TIME.
YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT.
YOUR HUSBAND WANTS TO DO WHAT? RING THE POLICE? OH, YOU'RE GOING AWAY ON HOLIDAY.
FOR HOW LONG? A MONTH! LOVELY.
THE CARIBBEAN! OH, MY WORD, HOW NICE.
MIND YOU DON'T OVERINDULGE ON THE MANGOS, AND OF COURSE, IT'S FULL OF TOURISTS, YOU KNOW.
ANYWAY, HAPPY HOLS, BYE-BYE.
CARIBBEAN! GET YOUR COAT ON, RICHARD.
BRUSH YOUR HAIR, POLISH YOUR SHOES.
WE'RE GOING INTO TOWN.
TOWN? T-O-W-N, DEAR.
TOWN.
IT'S THAT LARGE THING WITH ALL THE SHOPS.
I KNOW WHAT IT IS, I JUST WONDERED WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN WE WERE GOING THERE.
I NEED A TRAVEL AGENT.
DELHIA WILLWRIGHT.
WHO? DELHIA WILLWRIGHT.
THE MOCK TUDOR, TWO STORIES SEMI-DETACHED AT THE CORNER OF OAKDALE AVENUE.
YOU KNOW THE ONE, THEY'VE JUS ADDED A GAMES' ROOM ABOVE THEIR GARAGE.
THERE'S ONE THING I CAN'T STAND, IT'S SNOBBERY AND WANNABES.
PEOPLE WHO TRY TO PRETEND THEY'RE SUPERIOR.
MAKES IT SO MUCH HARDER FOR THOSE OF US WHO REALLY ARE.
WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT? IT'S ABOU DELHIA WILLWRIGHT'S HOLIDAY.
SHE SAYS SHE'S GOING TO THE CARIBBEAN.
REALLY? WOULDN'T SURPRISE ME IF THEY'RE ONLY GOING FOR A WEEKEND BARGAIN BREAK AT BOGNOR.
RIGHT! OOH, AH-HH! HOW STRONG AND MASTERFUL WE ARE THIS MORNING.
I'VE BEEN THINKING.
- OOH! - IT'S ABOUT TIME I DID SOMETHING FOR CHARITY.
YOU CERTAINLY KNOW HOW TO FLATTER A PERSON.
I'M SERIOUS, IT'S ABOUT RICHARD.
ALONE, DAY IN, DAY OUT, WITH YOUR HYACINTH.
I DREAMED ABOUT HIM, LAST NIGHT.
I DREAMED HE WAS IN THE CLUTCHES OF THIS TERRIFYING MONSTER.
THEN I WOKE UP AND I REALIZED IT WAS ALL TRUE.
I THOUGHT WE AGREED ON "NO HOLIDAY" THIS YEAR.
I DON'T THINK MUCH OF ANY OF THESE OFFERS IN THE WINDOW.
LET'S INVEST MY RETIREMEN MONEY IN A LITTLE COTTAGE, WE SAID.
14 NIGHTS FOR £209! WHEN I SAY "WE SAID" WHAT I REALLY MEAN, OF COURSE, IS "YOU SAID.
" I HOPE THESE PEOPLE DON'T CATER EXCLUSIVELY FOR THE SPAGHETTI AND CHIPS BRIGADE.
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING EXPENSIVE.
I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING VERY EXPENSIVE.
WE CAN'T GO IN WHILE NOBODY IS BROWSING.
THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO POIN IN ASKING FOR SOMETHING VERY EXPENSIVE IF NOBODY IS LISTENING.
- WE'LL COME BACK LATER WHEN THE PLACE IS FULL.
- WHAT? I WISH YOU WOULDN'T STAR POLISHING ALL THE CUTLERY.
VERY "LAST YEAR" THE CARIBBEAN, ANYWAY.
TWO COFFEES.
ARE YOU HAVING A MEAL? I DON'T THINK SO, THANK YOU.
NEED A FORK FOR YOUR COFFEE, DO YOU? THAT'S THE LAST TIME I COME HERE.
PROBABLY THE LAST TIME THEY LET US IN.
NOW, WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR? YOU FREQUENTLY FIND TRACES OF LIPSTICK IN PLACES LIKE THIS.
WHERE ARE WE THINKING OF GOING THAT'S SO EXPENSIVE.
WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
THEN WHY ARE WE GOING TO THE TRAVEL AGENCY? BECAUSE WE NEED BROCHURES.
THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO HARM IN ASKING FOR A FEW BROCHURES.
VERY EXOTIC BROCHURES, OF COURSE.
I'LL TEACH DELHIA WILLWRIGH A THING OR TWO.
ALL RIGHT, ST.
BERNARD, HOW ARE YOU GONNA RESCUE OUR RICHARD? I'M STILL RUNNING THINGS THROUGH ME BIOLOGICAL COMPUTER.
LET'S HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE ANOTHER POWER FAILURE.
IS THERE ANY TEA LEFT? THERE'S ONE IN THE POT.
I'M NOT SURPRISED, GOING AROUND DRESSED LIKE THAT.
YOU'RE DONE UP A BIT FLASH FOR THIS TIME OF THE MORNING.
OH, THIS ISN' FOR MORNING.
NO, THIS IS WHA I WAS WEARING LAST NIGHT.
HAVEN'T YOU BEEN HOME SINCE LAST NIGHT? NO.
BUT I'D HAD COME STRAIGHT HOME IF I'D REALIZED.
- REALIZED WHAT? - WELL, THAT HE MEANT IT.
WOULD I LIKE TO POP IN AND SEE HIS MODEL AEROPLANES, HE SAID.
GO ON, ASK ME.
ANYTHING ABOUT MODEL AEROPLANES.
WELL, THAT MADE A FEW HEADS LOOK UP AND PAY ATTENTION.
I SHOULD THINK IT DID, THEY COULD HEAR YOU IN THE CARIBBEAN.
RICHARD, I SEE NO MERI IN ENQUIRING FOR BROCHURES ON THE QE2 II OR THE ORIENT EXPRESS, IN A TIMID MOUSY LITTLE VOICE.
OH WELL, YOU CERTAINLY GOT THAT RIGHT.
- IT WASN'T A TIMID MOUSY LITTLE VOICE.
- HMM? ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE LOOKED UP, BUT WAS THERE ANYONE THERE WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS YOU? THAT'S IMMATERIAL, RICHARD.
WORD WILL BEGIN TO SPREAD.
REMEMBER HOW FAMOUS I AM FOR MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS, NOT TO MENTION MY CHARITABLE WORK.
IT MAY WELL BE THAT WORD IS ALREADY BEGINNING TO CIRCULATE.
THEN WHA IF IT DOESN'T? IT WILL, ONCE WE'VE GIVEN I A LITTLE NUDGE.
HOW LONG ARE WE GONNA BE DRIVING ROUND AND ROUND? UNTIL I SEE SOMEONE WHO KNOWS DELHIA WILLWRIGHT.
TRY ELM STREET.
WE'VE JUST DONE ELM STREET.
NOW, DO STOP MAKING DIFFICULTIES, RICHARD.
YOU SEE, THERE'S MRS.
WILLIS.
AT LEAST I THINK IT'S MRS.
WILLIS.
DRIVE PAS AND WE'LL SEE.
YES, IT IS MRS.
WILLIS! NOW, WHAT? WELL, DRIVE ON AND TURN AROUND.
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO SPEAK TO MRS.
WILLIS.
IT'S GOTTA LOOK LIKE A CHANCE ENCOUNTER.
WILL YOU HURRY.
DRIVE TO THE END OF THE ROAD.
AND THEN TURN AROUND BEFORE SHE GOES INDOORS.
IMAGINE IF I HADN' TAKEN EARLY RETIREMENT, I MIGHT HAVE MISSED ALL THIS FUN.
FASTER! FASTER THAN THIS.
I WANT TO HEAR YOUR BRAKES SQUEAL.
YOU WANT ME TO STOP? NO, NOT YET, I'LL TELL YOU WHEN TO STOP.
- STOP! - ( tires screeching ) OH, DEAR! I'M AFRAID RICHARD WAS DRIVING SO FAST, MY HOLIDAY BROCHURES BLEW OUT OF THE WINDOW.
HAVE YOU SEEN MY HOLIDAY BROCHURES? YOU CAN'T MISS THEM.
THERE'S ONE ABOU THE ORIENT EXPRESS, AND THE OTHER IS CRUISING ON THE QE2.
OH-HH, THERE THEY ARE! NOT A SCRATCH OR A CREASE.
IT CERTAINLY PAYS TO GO FOR THE BEST.
THERE! THAT SHOULD GET WORD BACK TO DELHIA WILLWRIGHT.
YOU ARE THE ONE - ONLY YOU - SHH! I THOUGH I HEARD A CAR.
NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, LIZ? YOU'RE A BUNDLE OF NERVES.
I THOUGH IT WAS HYACINTH.
NOW WE'RE BOTH A BUNDLE OF NERVES.
OH, THIS IS SILLY.
I MEAN, SHE'S ONLY HUMAN.
WELL, ONLY JUST.
WE SHOULDN'T LET HER TERRORIZE US LIKE THIS.
SHE'LL ASK ME IN FOR COFFEE.
I KNOW SHE'S GOING TO ASK ME IN FOR COFFEE.
THEN REFUSE TO GO, LIZ.
TELL HER YOU'RE BUSY.
I CAN'T DO THAT, SHE NEVER LISTENS.
JUST DON'T GO! NO, I CAN'T DO THAT.
BECAUSE WE'RE CHURCH CLEANING TOGETHER AFTERWARDS, WITH THE LADIES' GUILD.
SHH! LISTEN, I CAN HEAR HER CAR.
YES, IT'S HYACINTH! ( playing "Funeral March" ) WHERE TO LEAVE THEM, LAYING CASUALLY? OH! ( chuckles ) HOW DO THEY LOOK? HMM? HOW DO THEY LOOK? THEY LOOK LIKE BROCHURES LAYING ON A TABLE.
YES, BUT DEAR, WOULD YOU NOTICE THEM THE MOMENT YOU CAME INTO THE ROOM? IT'S NO GOOD ASKING ME, I MEAN YOU KNOW ME, I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE WHEN YOUR FATHER WAS ON FIRE.
POOR DADDY, I DO WISH HE'D GIVE UP SMOKING.
BUT YOU SEE, I WANT ELIZABETH TO SPOT THE BROCHURES IMMEDIATELY, WHEN I FETCH HER IN FOR COFFEE.
I DON'T WAN TO HAVE TO INTRODUCE THE SUBJECT MYSELF.
IT'S VERY VULGAR TO GO BOASTING ABOU ONE'S HOLIDAY'S PLANS.
LEAVE THE ROOM, RICHARD.
WHAT HAVE I DONE NOW? NOTHING, DEAR.
I JUST WANT YOU TO WALK BACK INTO THE ROOM, AND SEE IF YOU NOTICE THEM STRAIGHT AWAY, GO ON! GO ON! - RICHARD! - YES? WHY DON'T YOU COME IN, DEAR? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I WAS WAITING FOR A SIGNAL.
BUT DID YOU NOTICE THE BROCHURES? I FORGOT ALL ABOU THE BROCHURES.
OH, RICHARD! - I'LL GO OUT AGAIN! - NO-OHH! THE POINT ABOU "LOVE THY NEIGHBOR," IS THE QUESTION IT IMMEDIATELY GIVES RISE TO.
NAMELY, WHO IS THY NEIGHBOR? THY NEIGHBOR IS EVERYONE.
WE CAN EXCLUDE NO ONE.
THE EXCLUSION OF A SINGLE PERSON, BRING THE WHOLE CONCEP TUMBLING DOWN.
HELLO, DEAR.
GUESS WHO IS ON THE LIST OF VOLUNTEERS FOR CHURCH CLEANING TODAY? THE BUCKET WOMAN! OH, NO! JUST KEEP HER OUT OF MY WAY.
YOU CAN'T STAY IN HIDING.
I DON'T KNOW WHY NOT? AS FAR AS THE BUCKET WOMAN IS CONCERNED, I'D CLIMB THE TOWER IF I HAD TO.
WHAT IF SHE ASKS ABOUT YOU? TELL HER I'M REHEARSING MY SERMON.
JUST DON' TELL HER WHERE.
I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD HAVE TO FACE HER.
WHY ME? DON'T LOOK AT ME AS IF I GET ALL THE FUN JOBS.
I HAVE TO BURY PEOPLE.
I'LL BURY THE NEXT ONE AND YOU CAN DEAL WITH HYACINTH BUCKET.
"LOVE THY NEIGHBOR.
" NO, I THINK I'LL DO THE WATER INTO WINE.
( phone ringing ) THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
OH, SHERIDAN! HOW THOUGHTFUL OF YOU TO RING, DEAR.
HOW MUCH DOES HE WANT? NOW RICHARD, GO AWAY! READ A BROCHURE OR SOMETHING.
SHERIDAN, I'M SORRY DEAR, THAT WAS JUST YOUR FATHER INTERRUPTING.
NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE NO INTERRUPTING MOMMY, DEAR.
NOT AT ALL, NO.
WE WERE JUST BROWSING THROUGH HOLIDAY BROCHURES.
RATHER NICE ONES, HMM.
THE ORIENT EXPRESS, LUXURY CRUISING ON THE QE2, THAT SORT OF THINGS, YES.
YOU NEED HOW MUCH, DEAR? NO! NOW, RICHARD, DON'T GET EXCITED.
IF WE'RE TALKING ORIENT EXPRESS AND QE2, WE CAN HARDLY BEGRUDGE THE BOY THE ODD £50.
£50! JUST A MINUTE, DEAR, DADDY SEEMS TO HAVE A PROBLEM.
NO, LOOK.
I THINK I'LL GO SOMEWHERE PRIMITIVE, AND BE A MISSIONARY.
COOPER STREET.
WHAT KIND OF MISSIONARY? WELL, I THINK I'D LIKE TO GO WHEREVER THEY MOST NEED SUPPORT, SANITATION AND BIRTH CONTROL.
I'VE TOLD YOU, COOPER STREET.
WHAT WOULD I NEED, FOR QUALIFICATIONS? I THINK YOU'LL NEED A LONGER SKIRT.
WELL, I'LL GE A LONGER SKIRT, I'LL GET A SKIR THAT GOES RIGHT DOWN TO THE FLOOR.
I BET THAT ONE YOU'RE WEARING HAS BEEN RIGHT DOWN TO THE FLOOR A FEW TIMES.
HOW CAN YOU PUT UP WITH HIM? I SUPPOSE IT'S LOVE.
FORGET IT, I'VE GOT A HEADACHE.
OF COURSE, WE'VE TIME FOR A COFFEE, DEAR.
WE DON'T HAVE TO BE AT THE CHURCH FOR ANOTHER HOUR.
I THINK I'M REALLY GOING TO START CUTTING DOWN ON MY COFFEE.
WELL, NOT YET, DEAR.
COME ALONG.
NOW, YOU SIT DOWN THERE AND AMUSE YOURSELF, WHILS I MAKE YOUR COFFEE.
NO, I REALLY AM.
I'M GOING TO CUT DOWN ON MY COFFEE.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE QUITE COMFY THERE, BY THE HOLIDAY BROCHURES? YES, YES, THANKS, I'M FINE.
GOOD.
MOVE THEM IF THEY'RE IN THE WAY, WON'T YOU? CUP OR BEAKER, DEAR? OH, BEAKER! SOMETHING SAFE, PLEASE HYACINTH.
YOUR NERVES AREN'T STEADY, I KNEW IT.
WELL THEY'RE GONNA BE IF YOU'RE GONNA DO THAT.
HAVE NO FEAR.
INTERNATIONAL RESCUE IS HERE.
RESCUING WHAT? TWITCHY HUSBANDS.
I WOULDN'T SAY "TWITCHY.
" DO YOU THINK I'M TWITCHY? YOU'VE JUST LEAP 40 FOOT IN THE AIR.
I DID, DIDN'T I? YOU'VE HAD A LIFETIME OF BEING RESPONSIBLE.
YOU'VE DONE THAT BIT.
NOW IT'S TIME TO LE A BIT OF FOOLISHNESS INTO YOUR LIFE.
SOUNDS GOOD.
- LET'S GO! - WHERE TO? WRONG ANSWER.
ARE YOU REALLY READY FOR THE JOYS OF IRRESPONSIBILITY? I THINK I'M READY.
MIND YOU, I'VE GO TO BE BACK TO TAKE HYACINTH TO THE CHURCH.
SHE'S ON CLEANING DUTY TODAY.
THE JOYS OF IRRESPONSIBILITY, DICKIE.
I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER GE THE HANG OF IT.
I KNOW.
PEOPLE THINK IT'S EASY.
BUT LET'S GIVE IT A TRY, EH? WHAT IT'S A QUESTION OF, MAINLY, IS THE RIGHT ATTITUDE, AND A FLAIR FOR USING ONE OF YOUR PLASTIC CARDS, IN THE LOCAL CASH DISPENSER.
YOU SEE, WE DO HAVE TIME FOR COFFEE.
THANK YOU.
AND WE HAVE TIME FOR A BISCUIT.
( mouthing words ) SHALL YOU BE GOING ON HOLIDAY THIS SUMMER, ELIZABETH? PROBABLY NOT.
WE'RE STILL DEBATING.
WELL, PLACES GET SO CROWDED AND YOU SPILL THINGS.
YOU KNOW WHAT MEN ARE LIKE.
RICHARD STILL CAN'T DECIDE.
OH, I THOUGHT SOMEBODY ELSE MADE UP HIS MIND FOR HIM.
- BISCUIT? - OH! - OH, SPEAKING OF BUTTERFINGERS! - IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- OH, DEAR.
- THANK YOU.
( chuckling ) WHAT A SILLY ME! WELL, I EXPECT WE'LL SETTLE FOR SOMETHING TASTEFUL.
AND VERY EXPENSIVE.
OH! SILLY.
I WAS ALMOST SITTING ON MY HOLIDAY BROCHURES I THINK IT'S COOLED A LITTLE NOW.
I THINK I'LL BE ABLE TO DRINK IT SAFELY.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, HYACINTH! IT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR, AS LONG AS YOU HAVEN' DAMAGED MY BROCHURES.
- ( phone ringing ) -OH! I'D BETTER ANSWER THAT.
IT'S PROBABLY SOMEBODY VERY IMPORTANT.
THE BROCHURE RESIDENCE.
THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
( chuckles ) OH, IT'S YOU ROSE! IT'S MY SISTER ROSE, SHE'S NOT THE ONE WITH THE SWIMMING POOL AND THE SAUNA.
AND THERE'S NO ROOM FOR A PONY EITHER.
ROSE, I HOPE YOU'RE WEARING SOMETHING SENSIBLE FOR THIS TELEPHONE CALL.
YES, IT ALWAYS MAKES ME VERY NERVOUS TO THINK I MIGHT BE TALKING TO A MINISKIRT.
YES, I KNOW YOU STILL HAVE GOOD LEGS, DEAR.
I JUST WISH YOU DIDN' WAVE THEM ABOUT SO MUCH.
WELL, I'M SORRY, ROSE, BUT OFFHAND, I COULDN'T TELL YOU WHAT QUALIFICATIONS ARE NECESSARY TO BECOME A MISSIONARY.
BUT I SUSPEC YOU DON'T HAVE THEM, DEAR.
NO, THE BEST KIND OF CHRISTIAN, IS THE ONE WHO DOES VERY HUMBLE THINGS.
THE SORT OF THING I SHALL BE DOING LATER, WHEN I'M CLEANING THE CHURCH WITH THE LADIES' GUILD.
RICHARD? RICHARD! I APPEAR TO HAVE LOST RICHARD.
HE'S USUALLY OUT HERE WHEN I COME TO THE CAR.
IT'S MOST EXTRAORDINARY.
I ALWAYS COME OU OF THE HOUSE, LOCK UP, GO TO THE CAR, AND RICHARD OPENS THE CAR'S DOOR FOR ME.
HE'S NEVER NOT BEEN HERE, BEFORE.
I'M SURE HE'LL COME BACK, HYACINTH.
HE'S VERY WELL TRAINED.
I HOPE I HAVEN' LEFT HIM SOMEWHERE.
HALF WOULD HAVE BEEN SUFFICIENT, ONSLOW.
I COULDN'T ORDER HALVES, I'VE GOT A REPUTATION AROUND HERE.
THANK YOU FOR THE LIFT, ELIZABETH.
I WONDER WHERE RICHARD IS.
IT'S NO BOTHER, HYACINTH, I WAS COMING HERE ANYWAY.
WELL, I KNOW DEAR, BUT I THOUGHT WE'D ALL COME IN OUR CAR.
IT SHINES SO MUCH NICER.
COME ALONG, ELIZABETH, LET'S GO AND JOIN THE LADIES.
OH, LOOK AT THAT! HOW KIND.
I EXPECT THEY'VE DASHED IN TO MAKE ME A CUP OF TEA.
OH, NICE! I'M BEING HUSTLED.
YOU'VE BEEN HIDING THOSE WICKED TALENTS ALL THESE YEARS.
- GOOD AFTERNOON, LADIES.
- GOOD AFTERNOON.
THANK YOU AS USUAL, FOR TURNING UP SO ENTHUSIASTICALLY.
NOW, I HAVE A LIS OF TASKS THAT NEED DOING.
SO, IF YOU'LL GATHER AROUND, I'LL ASK FOR VOLUNTEERS.
OOH, COME ALONG! HERE WE GO.
EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME.
GOOD AFTERNOON, MY DEAR.
WE'RE HERE, READY AND WILLING.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
NOW, PEW POLISHING.
TWO VOLUNTEERS, PLEASE.
MISS WILSON AND MISS BARBER.
THANK YOU.
RIGHT.
CHANGING THE FLOWERS.
MRS.
DAWSON, AND YEAH, MRS.
ANDREWS.
NOW, THE BRASSWARE.
PEOPLE ALWAYS COMMEN ON MY SHINY BRASSWARE.
I'M SURE THEY DO.
MRS.
WARDEN, AND MISS HARVEY.
NOW, THE ALTAR CLOTH NEEDS CHANGING.
AND MY TABLEWARE! MRS.
BARETT.
AH, YES, NOW THIS NEEDS QUITE A BIT OF WORK ON IT.
CAN I HAVE A VOLUNTEER TO CLEAN THE CHURCH HALL TOILET AREA? MRS.
BUCKET, THANK YOU.
NOW, THERE'RE A LO OF COBWEBS IN THE AREA ADJACENT TO THE ORGAN LOFT, AND I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME WE GIVE I A THOROUGH GOING-OVER.
- SO, IF YOU TWO, LADIES-- - EXCUSE ME WILL YOU, EXCUSE-- ROSE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'VE COME TO HELP WITH THE CHURCH CLEANING FOR THAT DISHY VICAR.
I'D FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT CHURCH CLEANING, I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE HYACINTH CHURCH CLEANING.
GUESS WHO'S IN THE DEEP AND MURKY, THEN? I'VE TOLD YOU, YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE AN AGGRESSIVE LINE.
I WILL.
I RATHER THINK I WILL.
I MEAN, EVEN WHEN YOU'RE SOBER.
OH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT SOBER.
ROSE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WELL, THERE'S AN OLD BIRD'S NEST UP THERE THAT THE VICAR'S WIFE WANTS REMOVING, SO I SAID I'D DO IT.
IT NEEDS SOMEONE WITH A GOOD HEAD FOR HEIGHTS.
AND SOMEONE WITH A LONGER SKIRT.
ROSE, I FORBID YOU TO GO UP THAT LADDER WEARING THAT SKIRT.
DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE IT OFF, THEN? NO, OF COURSE NOT! THOUGH I DOUB IF ANYBODY'D NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE.
AT LAST! RICHARD, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? OH, HERE AND THERE.
ONSLOW, I HOPE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN LEADING HIM ASTRAY.
IT WAS ONLY OUR FIRST ATTEMPT.
WE GOT NOWHERE NEAR AS FAR AS ASTRAY.
( chuckling ) WELL, NOW YOU'RE HERE, ONSLOW.
YOU CAN TAKE ROSE HOME.
ROSE? WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE? SHE VOLUNTEERED TO HELP WITH THE CHURCH CLEANING.
WHERE IS SHE, THEN? SHE'S OVER THERE.
GOOD DAY.
BUT PLEASE, DO GIVE HIM MY REGARDS.
- GOOD AFTERNOON, VICAR, ISN'T IT A LOVELY DAY? - YES, INDEED.
- DO YOU THINK THE RAILINGSNEED DUSTING? - RAILINGS? DUSTING? THEY LOOK RATHER DULL IN THIS KIND OF LIGHT.
MICHAEL! OH, REALLY! DID I SHOW YOU MY HOLIDAY BROCHURES? ( theme music playing )
I DO SO AGREE.
OH, YES.
OH, EVERY TIME.
YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT.
YOUR HUSBAND WANTS TO DO WHAT? RING THE POLICE? OH, YOU'RE GOING AWAY ON HOLIDAY.
FOR HOW LONG? A MONTH! LOVELY.
THE CARIBBEAN! OH, MY WORD, HOW NICE.
MIND YOU DON'T OVERINDULGE ON THE MANGOS, AND OF COURSE, IT'S FULL OF TOURISTS, YOU KNOW.
ANYWAY, HAPPY HOLS, BYE-BYE.
CARIBBEAN! GET YOUR COAT ON, RICHARD.
BRUSH YOUR HAIR, POLISH YOUR SHOES.
WE'RE GOING INTO TOWN.
TOWN? T-O-W-N, DEAR.
TOWN.
IT'S THAT LARGE THING WITH ALL THE SHOPS.
I KNOW WHAT IT IS, I JUST WONDERED WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN WE WERE GOING THERE.
I NEED A TRAVEL AGENT.
DELHIA WILLWRIGHT.
WHO? DELHIA WILLWRIGHT.
THE MOCK TUDOR, TWO STORIES SEMI-DETACHED AT THE CORNER OF OAKDALE AVENUE.
YOU KNOW THE ONE, THEY'VE JUS ADDED A GAMES' ROOM ABOVE THEIR GARAGE.
THERE'S ONE THING I CAN'T STAND, IT'S SNOBBERY AND WANNABES.
PEOPLE WHO TRY TO PRETEND THEY'RE SUPERIOR.
MAKES IT SO MUCH HARDER FOR THOSE OF US WHO REALLY ARE.
WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT? IT'S ABOU DELHIA WILLWRIGHT'S HOLIDAY.
SHE SAYS SHE'S GOING TO THE CARIBBEAN.
REALLY? WOULDN'T SURPRISE ME IF THEY'RE ONLY GOING FOR A WEEKEND BARGAIN BREAK AT BOGNOR.
RIGHT! OOH, AH-HH! HOW STRONG AND MASTERFUL WE ARE THIS MORNING.
I'VE BEEN THINKING.
- OOH! - IT'S ABOUT TIME I DID SOMETHING FOR CHARITY.
YOU CERTAINLY KNOW HOW TO FLATTER A PERSON.
I'M SERIOUS, IT'S ABOUT RICHARD.
ALONE, DAY IN, DAY OUT, WITH YOUR HYACINTH.
I DREAMED ABOUT HIM, LAST NIGHT.
I DREAMED HE WAS IN THE CLUTCHES OF THIS TERRIFYING MONSTER.
THEN I WOKE UP AND I REALIZED IT WAS ALL TRUE.
I THOUGHT WE AGREED ON "NO HOLIDAY" THIS YEAR.
I DON'T THINK MUCH OF ANY OF THESE OFFERS IN THE WINDOW.
LET'S INVEST MY RETIREMEN MONEY IN A LITTLE COTTAGE, WE SAID.
14 NIGHTS FOR £209! WHEN I SAY "WE SAID" WHAT I REALLY MEAN, OF COURSE, IS "YOU SAID.
" I HOPE THESE PEOPLE DON'T CATER EXCLUSIVELY FOR THE SPAGHETTI AND CHIPS BRIGADE.
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING EXPENSIVE.
I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING VERY EXPENSIVE.
WE CAN'T GO IN WHILE NOBODY IS BROWSING.
THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO POIN IN ASKING FOR SOMETHING VERY EXPENSIVE IF NOBODY IS LISTENING.
- WE'LL COME BACK LATER WHEN THE PLACE IS FULL.
- WHAT? I WISH YOU WOULDN'T STAR POLISHING ALL THE CUTLERY.
VERY "LAST YEAR" THE CARIBBEAN, ANYWAY.
TWO COFFEES.
ARE YOU HAVING A MEAL? I DON'T THINK SO, THANK YOU.
NEED A FORK FOR YOUR COFFEE, DO YOU? THAT'S THE LAST TIME I COME HERE.
PROBABLY THE LAST TIME THEY LET US IN.
NOW, WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR? YOU FREQUENTLY FIND TRACES OF LIPSTICK IN PLACES LIKE THIS.
WHERE ARE WE THINKING OF GOING THAT'S SO EXPENSIVE.
WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
THEN WHY ARE WE GOING TO THE TRAVEL AGENCY? BECAUSE WE NEED BROCHURES.
THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO HARM IN ASKING FOR A FEW BROCHURES.
VERY EXOTIC BROCHURES, OF COURSE.
I'LL TEACH DELHIA WILLWRIGH A THING OR TWO.
ALL RIGHT, ST.
BERNARD, HOW ARE YOU GONNA RESCUE OUR RICHARD? I'M STILL RUNNING THINGS THROUGH ME BIOLOGICAL COMPUTER.
LET'S HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE ANOTHER POWER FAILURE.
IS THERE ANY TEA LEFT? THERE'S ONE IN THE POT.
I'M NOT SURPRISED, GOING AROUND DRESSED LIKE THAT.
YOU'RE DONE UP A BIT FLASH FOR THIS TIME OF THE MORNING.
OH, THIS ISN' FOR MORNING.
NO, THIS IS WHA I WAS WEARING LAST NIGHT.
HAVEN'T YOU BEEN HOME SINCE LAST NIGHT? NO.
BUT I'D HAD COME STRAIGHT HOME IF I'D REALIZED.
- REALIZED WHAT? - WELL, THAT HE MEANT IT.
WOULD I LIKE TO POP IN AND SEE HIS MODEL AEROPLANES, HE SAID.
GO ON, ASK ME.
ANYTHING ABOUT MODEL AEROPLANES.
WELL, THAT MADE A FEW HEADS LOOK UP AND PAY ATTENTION.
I SHOULD THINK IT DID, THEY COULD HEAR YOU IN THE CARIBBEAN.
RICHARD, I SEE NO MERI IN ENQUIRING FOR BROCHURES ON THE QE2 II OR THE ORIENT EXPRESS, IN A TIMID MOUSY LITTLE VOICE.
OH WELL, YOU CERTAINLY GOT THAT RIGHT.
- IT WASN'T A TIMID MOUSY LITTLE VOICE.
- HMM? ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE LOOKED UP, BUT WAS THERE ANYONE THERE WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS YOU? THAT'S IMMATERIAL, RICHARD.
WORD WILL BEGIN TO SPREAD.
REMEMBER HOW FAMOUS I AM FOR MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS, NOT TO MENTION MY CHARITABLE WORK.
IT MAY WELL BE THAT WORD IS ALREADY BEGINNING TO CIRCULATE.
THEN WHA IF IT DOESN'T? IT WILL, ONCE WE'VE GIVEN I A LITTLE NUDGE.
HOW LONG ARE WE GONNA BE DRIVING ROUND AND ROUND? UNTIL I SEE SOMEONE WHO KNOWS DELHIA WILLWRIGHT.
TRY ELM STREET.
WE'VE JUST DONE ELM STREET.
NOW, DO STOP MAKING DIFFICULTIES, RICHARD.
YOU SEE, THERE'S MRS.
WILLIS.
AT LEAST I THINK IT'S MRS.
WILLIS.
DRIVE PAS AND WE'LL SEE.
YES, IT IS MRS.
WILLIS! NOW, WHAT? WELL, DRIVE ON AND TURN AROUND.
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO SPEAK TO MRS.
WILLIS.
IT'S GOTTA LOOK LIKE A CHANCE ENCOUNTER.
WILL YOU HURRY.
DRIVE TO THE END OF THE ROAD.
AND THEN TURN AROUND BEFORE SHE GOES INDOORS.
IMAGINE IF I HADN' TAKEN EARLY RETIREMENT, I MIGHT HAVE MISSED ALL THIS FUN.
FASTER! FASTER THAN THIS.
I WANT TO HEAR YOUR BRAKES SQUEAL.
YOU WANT ME TO STOP? NO, NOT YET, I'LL TELL YOU WHEN TO STOP.
- STOP! - ( tires screeching ) OH, DEAR! I'M AFRAID RICHARD WAS DRIVING SO FAST, MY HOLIDAY BROCHURES BLEW OUT OF THE WINDOW.
HAVE YOU SEEN MY HOLIDAY BROCHURES? YOU CAN'T MISS THEM.
THERE'S ONE ABOU THE ORIENT EXPRESS, AND THE OTHER IS CRUISING ON THE QE2.
OH-HH, THERE THEY ARE! NOT A SCRATCH OR A CREASE.
IT CERTAINLY PAYS TO GO FOR THE BEST.
THERE! THAT SHOULD GET WORD BACK TO DELHIA WILLWRIGHT.
YOU ARE THE ONE - ONLY YOU - SHH! I THOUGH I HEARD A CAR.
NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, LIZ? YOU'RE A BUNDLE OF NERVES.
I THOUGH IT WAS HYACINTH.
NOW WE'RE BOTH A BUNDLE OF NERVES.
OH, THIS IS SILLY.
I MEAN, SHE'S ONLY HUMAN.
WELL, ONLY JUST.
WE SHOULDN'T LET HER TERRORIZE US LIKE THIS.
SHE'LL ASK ME IN FOR COFFEE.
I KNOW SHE'S GOING TO ASK ME IN FOR COFFEE.
THEN REFUSE TO GO, LIZ.
TELL HER YOU'RE BUSY.
I CAN'T DO THAT, SHE NEVER LISTENS.
JUST DON'T GO! NO, I CAN'T DO THAT.
BECAUSE WE'RE CHURCH CLEANING TOGETHER AFTERWARDS, WITH THE LADIES' GUILD.
SHH! LISTEN, I CAN HEAR HER CAR.
YES, IT'S HYACINTH! ( playing "Funeral March" ) WHERE TO LEAVE THEM, LAYING CASUALLY? OH! ( chuckles ) HOW DO THEY LOOK? HMM? HOW DO THEY LOOK? THEY LOOK LIKE BROCHURES LAYING ON A TABLE.
YES, BUT DEAR, WOULD YOU NOTICE THEM THE MOMENT YOU CAME INTO THE ROOM? IT'S NO GOOD ASKING ME, I MEAN YOU KNOW ME, I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE WHEN YOUR FATHER WAS ON FIRE.
POOR DADDY, I DO WISH HE'D GIVE UP SMOKING.
BUT YOU SEE, I WANT ELIZABETH TO SPOT THE BROCHURES IMMEDIATELY, WHEN I FETCH HER IN FOR COFFEE.
I DON'T WAN TO HAVE TO INTRODUCE THE SUBJECT MYSELF.
IT'S VERY VULGAR TO GO BOASTING ABOU ONE'S HOLIDAY'S PLANS.
LEAVE THE ROOM, RICHARD.
WHAT HAVE I DONE NOW? NOTHING, DEAR.
I JUST WANT YOU TO WALK BACK INTO THE ROOM, AND SEE IF YOU NOTICE THEM STRAIGHT AWAY, GO ON! GO ON! - RICHARD! - YES? WHY DON'T YOU COME IN, DEAR? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I WAS WAITING FOR A SIGNAL.
BUT DID YOU NOTICE THE BROCHURES? I FORGOT ALL ABOU THE BROCHURES.
OH, RICHARD! - I'LL GO OUT AGAIN! - NO-OHH! THE POINT ABOU "LOVE THY NEIGHBOR," IS THE QUESTION IT IMMEDIATELY GIVES RISE TO.
NAMELY, WHO IS THY NEIGHBOR? THY NEIGHBOR IS EVERYONE.
WE CAN EXCLUDE NO ONE.
THE EXCLUSION OF A SINGLE PERSON, BRING THE WHOLE CONCEP TUMBLING DOWN.
HELLO, DEAR.
GUESS WHO IS ON THE LIST OF VOLUNTEERS FOR CHURCH CLEANING TODAY? THE BUCKET WOMAN! OH, NO! JUST KEEP HER OUT OF MY WAY.
YOU CAN'T STAY IN HIDING.
I DON'T KNOW WHY NOT? AS FAR AS THE BUCKET WOMAN IS CONCERNED, I'D CLIMB THE TOWER IF I HAD TO.
WHAT IF SHE ASKS ABOUT YOU? TELL HER I'M REHEARSING MY SERMON.
JUST DON' TELL HER WHERE.
I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD HAVE TO FACE HER.
WHY ME? DON'T LOOK AT ME AS IF I GET ALL THE FUN JOBS.
I HAVE TO BURY PEOPLE.
I'LL BURY THE NEXT ONE AND YOU CAN DEAL WITH HYACINTH BUCKET.
"LOVE THY NEIGHBOR.
" NO, I THINK I'LL DO THE WATER INTO WINE.
( phone ringing ) THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
OH, SHERIDAN! HOW THOUGHTFUL OF YOU TO RING, DEAR.
HOW MUCH DOES HE WANT? NOW RICHARD, GO AWAY! READ A BROCHURE OR SOMETHING.
SHERIDAN, I'M SORRY DEAR, THAT WAS JUST YOUR FATHER INTERRUPTING.
NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE NO INTERRUPTING MOMMY, DEAR.
NOT AT ALL, NO.
WE WERE JUST BROWSING THROUGH HOLIDAY BROCHURES.
RATHER NICE ONES, HMM.
THE ORIENT EXPRESS, LUXURY CRUISING ON THE QE2, THAT SORT OF THINGS, YES.
YOU NEED HOW MUCH, DEAR? NO! NOW, RICHARD, DON'T GET EXCITED.
IF WE'RE TALKING ORIENT EXPRESS AND QE2, WE CAN HARDLY BEGRUDGE THE BOY THE ODD £50.
£50! JUST A MINUTE, DEAR, DADDY SEEMS TO HAVE A PROBLEM.
NO, LOOK.
I THINK I'LL GO SOMEWHERE PRIMITIVE, AND BE A MISSIONARY.
COOPER STREET.
WHAT KIND OF MISSIONARY? WELL, I THINK I'D LIKE TO GO WHEREVER THEY MOST NEED SUPPORT, SANITATION AND BIRTH CONTROL.
I'VE TOLD YOU, COOPER STREET.
WHAT WOULD I NEED, FOR QUALIFICATIONS? I THINK YOU'LL NEED A LONGER SKIRT.
WELL, I'LL GE A LONGER SKIRT, I'LL GET A SKIR THAT GOES RIGHT DOWN TO THE FLOOR.
I BET THAT ONE YOU'RE WEARING HAS BEEN RIGHT DOWN TO THE FLOOR A FEW TIMES.
HOW CAN YOU PUT UP WITH HIM? I SUPPOSE IT'S LOVE.
FORGET IT, I'VE GOT A HEADACHE.
OF COURSE, WE'VE TIME FOR A COFFEE, DEAR.
WE DON'T HAVE TO BE AT THE CHURCH FOR ANOTHER HOUR.
I THINK I'M REALLY GOING TO START CUTTING DOWN ON MY COFFEE.
WELL, NOT YET, DEAR.
COME ALONG.
NOW, YOU SIT DOWN THERE AND AMUSE YOURSELF, WHILS I MAKE YOUR COFFEE.
NO, I REALLY AM.
I'M GOING TO CUT DOWN ON MY COFFEE.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE QUITE COMFY THERE, BY THE HOLIDAY BROCHURES? YES, YES, THANKS, I'M FINE.
GOOD.
MOVE THEM IF THEY'RE IN THE WAY, WON'T YOU? CUP OR BEAKER, DEAR? OH, BEAKER! SOMETHING SAFE, PLEASE HYACINTH.
YOUR NERVES AREN'T STEADY, I KNEW IT.
WELL THEY'RE GONNA BE IF YOU'RE GONNA DO THAT.
HAVE NO FEAR.
INTERNATIONAL RESCUE IS HERE.
RESCUING WHAT? TWITCHY HUSBANDS.
I WOULDN'T SAY "TWITCHY.
" DO YOU THINK I'M TWITCHY? YOU'VE JUST LEAP 40 FOOT IN THE AIR.
I DID, DIDN'T I? YOU'VE HAD A LIFETIME OF BEING RESPONSIBLE.
YOU'VE DONE THAT BIT.
NOW IT'S TIME TO LE A BIT OF FOOLISHNESS INTO YOUR LIFE.
SOUNDS GOOD.
- LET'S GO! - WHERE TO? WRONG ANSWER.
ARE YOU REALLY READY FOR THE JOYS OF IRRESPONSIBILITY? I THINK I'M READY.
MIND YOU, I'VE GO TO BE BACK TO TAKE HYACINTH TO THE CHURCH.
SHE'S ON CLEANING DUTY TODAY.
THE JOYS OF IRRESPONSIBILITY, DICKIE.
I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER GE THE HANG OF IT.
I KNOW.
PEOPLE THINK IT'S EASY.
BUT LET'S GIVE IT A TRY, EH? WHAT IT'S A QUESTION OF, MAINLY, IS THE RIGHT ATTITUDE, AND A FLAIR FOR USING ONE OF YOUR PLASTIC CARDS, IN THE LOCAL CASH DISPENSER.
YOU SEE, WE DO HAVE TIME FOR COFFEE.
THANK YOU.
AND WE HAVE TIME FOR A BISCUIT.
( mouthing words ) SHALL YOU BE GOING ON HOLIDAY THIS SUMMER, ELIZABETH? PROBABLY NOT.
WE'RE STILL DEBATING.
WELL, PLACES GET SO CROWDED AND YOU SPILL THINGS.
YOU KNOW WHAT MEN ARE LIKE.
RICHARD STILL CAN'T DECIDE.
OH, I THOUGHT SOMEBODY ELSE MADE UP HIS MIND FOR HIM.
- BISCUIT? - OH! - OH, SPEAKING OF BUTTERFINGERS! - IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- OH, DEAR.
- THANK YOU.
( chuckling ) WHAT A SILLY ME! WELL, I EXPECT WE'LL SETTLE FOR SOMETHING TASTEFUL.
AND VERY EXPENSIVE.
OH! SILLY.
I WAS ALMOST SITTING ON MY HOLIDAY BROCHURES I THINK IT'S COOLED A LITTLE NOW.
I THINK I'LL BE ABLE TO DRINK IT SAFELY.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, HYACINTH! IT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR, AS LONG AS YOU HAVEN' DAMAGED MY BROCHURES.
- ( phone ringing ) -OH! I'D BETTER ANSWER THAT.
IT'S PROBABLY SOMEBODY VERY IMPORTANT.
THE BROCHURE RESIDENCE.
THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
( chuckles ) OH, IT'S YOU ROSE! IT'S MY SISTER ROSE, SHE'S NOT THE ONE WITH THE SWIMMING POOL AND THE SAUNA.
AND THERE'S NO ROOM FOR A PONY EITHER.
ROSE, I HOPE YOU'RE WEARING SOMETHING SENSIBLE FOR THIS TELEPHONE CALL.
YES, IT ALWAYS MAKES ME VERY NERVOUS TO THINK I MIGHT BE TALKING TO A MINISKIRT.
YES, I KNOW YOU STILL HAVE GOOD LEGS, DEAR.
I JUST WISH YOU DIDN' WAVE THEM ABOUT SO MUCH.
WELL, I'M SORRY, ROSE, BUT OFFHAND, I COULDN'T TELL YOU WHAT QUALIFICATIONS ARE NECESSARY TO BECOME A MISSIONARY.
BUT I SUSPEC YOU DON'T HAVE THEM, DEAR.
NO, THE BEST KIND OF CHRISTIAN, IS THE ONE WHO DOES VERY HUMBLE THINGS.
THE SORT OF THING I SHALL BE DOING LATER, WHEN I'M CLEANING THE CHURCH WITH THE LADIES' GUILD.
RICHARD? RICHARD! I APPEAR TO HAVE LOST RICHARD.
HE'S USUALLY OUT HERE WHEN I COME TO THE CAR.
IT'S MOST EXTRAORDINARY.
I ALWAYS COME OU OF THE HOUSE, LOCK UP, GO TO THE CAR, AND RICHARD OPENS THE CAR'S DOOR FOR ME.
HE'S NEVER NOT BEEN HERE, BEFORE.
I'M SURE HE'LL COME BACK, HYACINTH.
HE'S VERY WELL TRAINED.
I HOPE I HAVEN' LEFT HIM SOMEWHERE.
HALF WOULD HAVE BEEN SUFFICIENT, ONSLOW.
I COULDN'T ORDER HALVES, I'VE GOT A REPUTATION AROUND HERE.
THANK YOU FOR THE LIFT, ELIZABETH.
I WONDER WHERE RICHARD IS.
IT'S NO BOTHER, HYACINTH, I WAS COMING HERE ANYWAY.
WELL, I KNOW DEAR, BUT I THOUGHT WE'D ALL COME IN OUR CAR.
IT SHINES SO MUCH NICER.
COME ALONG, ELIZABETH, LET'S GO AND JOIN THE LADIES.
OH, LOOK AT THAT! HOW KIND.
I EXPECT THEY'VE DASHED IN TO MAKE ME A CUP OF TEA.
OH, NICE! I'M BEING HUSTLED.
YOU'VE BEEN HIDING THOSE WICKED TALENTS ALL THESE YEARS.
- GOOD AFTERNOON, LADIES.
- GOOD AFTERNOON.
THANK YOU AS USUAL, FOR TURNING UP SO ENTHUSIASTICALLY.
NOW, I HAVE A LIS OF TASKS THAT NEED DOING.
SO, IF YOU'LL GATHER AROUND, I'LL ASK FOR VOLUNTEERS.
OOH, COME ALONG! HERE WE GO.
EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME.
GOOD AFTERNOON, MY DEAR.
WE'RE HERE, READY AND WILLING.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
NOW, PEW POLISHING.
TWO VOLUNTEERS, PLEASE.
MISS WILSON AND MISS BARBER.
THANK YOU.
RIGHT.
CHANGING THE FLOWERS.
MRS.
DAWSON, AND YEAH, MRS.
ANDREWS.
NOW, THE BRASSWARE.
PEOPLE ALWAYS COMMEN ON MY SHINY BRASSWARE.
I'M SURE THEY DO.
MRS.
WARDEN, AND MISS HARVEY.
NOW, THE ALTAR CLOTH NEEDS CHANGING.
AND MY TABLEWARE! MRS.
BARETT.
AH, YES, NOW THIS NEEDS QUITE A BIT OF WORK ON IT.
CAN I HAVE A VOLUNTEER TO CLEAN THE CHURCH HALL TOILET AREA? MRS.
BUCKET, THANK YOU.
NOW, THERE'RE A LO OF COBWEBS IN THE AREA ADJACENT TO THE ORGAN LOFT, AND I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME WE GIVE I A THOROUGH GOING-OVER.
- SO, IF YOU TWO, LADIES-- - EXCUSE ME WILL YOU, EXCUSE-- ROSE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'VE COME TO HELP WITH THE CHURCH CLEANING FOR THAT DISHY VICAR.
I'D FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT CHURCH CLEANING, I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE HYACINTH CHURCH CLEANING.
GUESS WHO'S IN THE DEEP AND MURKY, THEN? I'VE TOLD YOU, YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE AN AGGRESSIVE LINE.
I WILL.
I RATHER THINK I WILL.
I MEAN, EVEN WHEN YOU'RE SOBER.
OH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT SOBER.
ROSE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WELL, THERE'S AN OLD BIRD'S NEST UP THERE THAT THE VICAR'S WIFE WANTS REMOVING, SO I SAID I'D DO IT.
IT NEEDS SOMEONE WITH A GOOD HEAD FOR HEIGHTS.
AND SOMEONE WITH A LONGER SKIRT.
ROSE, I FORBID YOU TO GO UP THAT LADDER WEARING THAT SKIRT.
DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE IT OFF, THEN? NO, OF COURSE NOT! THOUGH I DOUB IF ANYBODY'D NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE.
AT LAST! RICHARD, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? OH, HERE AND THERE.
ONSLOW, I HOPE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN LEADING HIM ASTRAY.
IT WAS ONLY OUR FIRST ATTEMPT.
WE GOT NOWHERE NEAR AS FAR AS ASTRAY.
( chuckling ) WELL, NOW YOU'RE HERE, ONSLOW.
YOU CAN TAKE ROSE HOME.
ROSE? WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE? SHE VOLUNTEERED TO HELP WITH THE CHURCH CLEANING.
WHERE IS SHE, THEN? SHE'S OVER THERE.
GOOD DAY.
BUT PLEASE, DO GIVE HIM MY REGARDS.
- GOOD AFTERNOON, VICAR, ISN'T IT A LOVELY DAY? - YES, INDEED.
- DO YOU THINK THE RAILINGSNEED DUSTING? - RAILINGS? DUSTING? THEY LOOK RATHER DULL IN THIS KIND OF LIGHT.
MICHAEL! OH, REALLY! DID I SHOW YOU MY HOLIDAY BROCHURES? ( theme music playing )