Keeping Up Appearances s04e06 Episode Script

Please Mind Your Head

( theme music playing ) RICHARD IS THERE ANY SIGN OF OUR NEW FURNITURE YET, DEAR? - NOT YET.
- OH! OH, RICHARD I FEEL IT'S SO APPROPRIATE, OUR OWNING A PLACE LIKE THIS! ALL WE OWN IS A SMALL APARTMENT.
MICRO.
WE ARE PART-OWNERS OF A MANSION.
THAT'S ALL ANYONE NEED KNOW.
IT'S SO LOWER MIDDLE-CLASS TO GO INTO DETAILS.
THE DETAIL THAT CONCERNS ME IS NOW THAT WE BOUGH THE PLACE, HOW ARE WE GOING TO AFFORD IT? SUCH A GOOD ADDRESS, DEAR.
YOU KNOW THESE THINGS AREN'T PRIMARY WITH ME, BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO GO QUITE DIZZY RUBBING SHOULDERS WITH THE COUNTY ELITE.
WHAT TIME DID THEY SAY THEY'D BE HERE? ABOUT 3:00.
IT'S ONLY 20 PAST 2:00! WHY DID YOU COME DOWN SO EARLY? BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO.
DON'T MAKE I SOUND AS THOUGH I ORDER YOU ABOUT, DEAR.
COME ON, LET'S GO UP TO OUR APARTMENT.
YOU KNOW, I'M STILL NOT SURE WHERE WE OUGH TO PUT THE BEDS.
IN THE BEDROOM? DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
- COME ALONG.
- Richard: UGH! WHAT AN ENTRANCE! SO WELCOMING FOR ALL OUR GUESTS.
HAVE WE GOT ROOM FOR GUESTS? OF COURSE WE HAVE ROOM, DEAR.
I CAN JUST PICTURE THEIR FACES WHEN THEY SEE THIS STAIRCASE.
STAIRCASE, YES.
WHY DIDN'T THEY INSTALL A LIFT? RICHARD, YOU COULDN' DESTROY THE INTEGRITY OF A HOUSE LIKE THIS WITH A LIFT.
OH, I COULD! I COULD DESTROY THE INTEGRITY OF A HOUSE LIKE THIS WITH A LIFT.
THE EXERCISE WILL DO YOU GOOD.
NOW COME ON.
WE LIVE IN A ROOF.
DO YOU REALIZE THAT? WE'RE LIKE BATS! DO STOP FUSSING, RICHARD.
LOOK, I WANT YOU TO LOVE THIS PLACE.
IT'S A PAR ( music plays on TV ) HOW COME YOU NEVER TAKE ME OUT TO RESTAURANTS? I DO TAKE YOU OU TO RESTAURANTS.
WHEN? TOOK YOU TO THAT ITALIAN.
WHAT ITALIAN? YOU GOT SPAGHETTI STUCK IN YOUR EARRING.
THAT WAS 30 YEARS AGO.
WE WERE ON HONEYMOON.
STILL COUNTS.
YOU'VE NEVER TAKEN ME SINCE.
IF YOU'RE GONNA GET SPAGHETTI STUCK IN YOUR EARRING--! I'VE COME TO A DECISION.
I'VE DECIDED TO GIVE UP MEN.
THAT'S THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK.
AND IT'S ONLY WEDNESDAY.
THERE! OH, DOESN'T IT LOOK COZY? SMALL.
ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE BES POSITION FOR THESE BEDS? - OF COURSE IT IS, DEAR.
- I'M NOT SO CERTAIN.
I KNOW! WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE REHEARSAL.
RICHARD, COME BACK IN, DEAR.
IN YOU GET! - HYACINTH! - COME ON, SLIP YOUR SHOES OFF.
OH, DO BE A LITTLE QUICKER, RICHARD.
AT OUR TIME OF LIFE, WE SHOULD TRY TO MAKE THE MOST OF THE DAYS WE HAVE LEFT.
THAT'S IT-- GOOD.
NOW, IMAGINE IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
ALL RIGHT? WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER ME, RICHARD? I'M IMAGINING I'M ASLEEP AND CAN'T HEAR YOU.
OH-- I THINK I SHALL INVITE SIR EDWARD TO SHERRY.
DO YOU THINK THAT'S WISE WHEN WE'RE BOTH IN BED? DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR.
WE OUGHT TO START MINGLING WITH THE OTHER RESIDENTS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
WE HAVEN'T GOT ROOM TO MINGLE.
AS FROM TOMORROW, I WANT US TO STAR TAKING PAR IN THE VARIOUS LEISURE ACTIVITIES.
( groans ) WE'RE IN THE COUNTRY NOW.
IT'S EXPECTED OF US.
OH, YOU MEAN MAKING CORN DOLLIES? NO, NO, NO, DEAR.
FISHING, SHOOTING, HUNTING.
HUNTING--? OW! AS IT'S OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY IN THREE WEEKS' TIME, ONSLOW.
I THOUGHT WE MIGH HAVE SOME COCOA, A LITTLE CHA BEFORE GOING TO SLEEP-- ( snoring ) WHAT IS IT? DO YOU FANCY SOME COCOA? OH! RICHARD, WHAT'S THE MATTER? - I CAN'T SLEEP.
- HUH? I FEEL BOXED IN.
THIS PLACE IS TOO SMALL.
RICHARD! I WOULD ASK YOU, PLEASE, TO REMEMBER THAT OUR APARTMENT IN THIS GRADE-TWO LISTED MANSION BIJOU.
WELL, I'M GONNA MAKE SOME "OLD-WORLD BIJOU" TEA.
OH, WHY NOT, DEAR? AN IMPROMPTU MIDNIGHT SNACK.
THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF HAVING A PLACE IN THE COUNTRY-- ONE CAN BREAK WITH ONE'S ROUTINE.
( thumps ) OH! ( yawns ) WHERE DID YOU PUT THE TEA? IT'S IN THE CUPBOARD THERE, DEAR.
I'LL GET THE MILK.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
COULD YOU MAKE YOURSELF A LITTLE SMALLER, RICHARD? I DO BELIEVE THA YOU'RE EXPANDING DELIBERATELY.
THERE'S NOT EVEN ROOM IN HERE FOR A DECENT-SIZED MICROBE.
RICHARD, I WILL NOT HAVE YOU SPEAK DISPARAGINGLY OF MY COMPAC KITCHENETTE.
THESE ARE ALL HIGH-QUALITY LAMINATED UNITS.
THE TEA IS NO IN THIS CUPBOARD.
THE TEA? OH NO, DEAR.
THE TEA IS IN THIS CUPBOARD.
YOU REALLY MUST REMEMBER WHERE THE TEA IS.
YOU TOLD ME IT WAS IN THIS CUPBOARD.
RICHARD-- I HOPE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE CONSISTENTLY ARGUMENTATIVE IN THE COUNTRY.
I WANT THIS PLACE TO BE A HAVEN OF RELAXATION.
ARE YOU FINDING THIS RELAXING? ARE YOU GOING LEF OR RIGHT? I DON'T SEEM TO BE ABLE TO MOVE AT ALL.
I DON'T LIKE THIS LEVEL OF INTIMACY, DEAR.
I DON'T THINK IT'S NATURAL AT OUR AGE.
WOULD YOU PLEASE REMOVE YOURSELF FROM MY PERSON? - WHEN I GIVE THE WORD-- - WHAT WORD? WHEN I GIVE THE WORD, YOU GO TO YOUR LEFT, I'LL GO TO MY LEF AND WE SHOULD COME UNSTUCK, ALL RIGHT? ONE, TWO, THREE-- GO! OH, RICHARD--! - RELAX, MATE.
- ( screams ) NO MILK THIS MORNING.
- SHE'S NOT IN? - GONE AWAY, AIN'T THEY? YOU'VE MADE MY DAY! ( singing ) POSTMAN! ( yells ) POSTMAN! - GOOD MORNING! - YES, ISN'T IT? THE BIRDS ARE SINGING-- THANK GOD, ONLY THE BIRDS ARE SINGING.
AWAY FOR LONG, IS SHE? NO, BUT EVERY MINUTE COUNTS.
LA-LA-LA, DEE-DEE-DEE OH EMMET, YOU SHOULDN'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT.
EVEN IF THEY'RE TRUE? WELL, I MUST ADMIT, IT IS A RELIEF.
NO THREAT OF COFFEE.
AND I'M AS STEADY AS A ROCK.
I WON'T BE LONG, LIZ.
THE SUN HAS GO HIS HAT ON ( thumps ) ELIZABETH! HYACINTH HERE, DEAR, SPEAKING TO YOU FROM THE MANSION, GOOD MORNING TO YOU, IT'S A LOVELY DAY HERE IN RURAL ENGLAND.
ESPECIALLY WHEN VIEWED FROM THIS VERY IMPORTAN HISTORICAL BUILDING.
YOU MUST COME FOR TEA AND CUCUMBER SANDWICHES.
AND BRING EMMET WITH YOU.
TELL HIM I WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.
OH YES, I WANT YOU BOTH TO SHARE IN MY HAPPINESS-- AND MY NEW DIMINUTIVE REPRODUCTION FURNITURE WITH A GENUINE ANTIQUE APPEARANCE.
EMMET WILL LOVE IT, YES.
WE'LL WALK THE GROUNDS AND VIEW THE LAKE.
TELL HIM TO WEAR SOMETHING TWEEDY.
YOU KNOW THE SORT OF THING-- COUNTRY BUT SMART.
RICHARD LOOKS QUITE THE SQUIRE ALREADY.
HE'LL BE "THE OLD CROOKED SQUIRE.
" YES, YES, HYACINTH.
I MEAN I-- IT WOULD BE WONDERFUL TO COME DOWN AND SEE YOU, BUT I'M NOT SURE IF EMMET IS FREE.
YES, HYACINTH, I KNOW HE'S VERY FOND OF YOU, BUT-- YES, I'M SURE HE WILL.
YES, HYACINTH.
YES I HAVE A TWEED COSTUME, AND MY COUNTRY BROGUES.
RIGHT.
YES.
SEE YOU AT 3:30.
THANK YOU, HYACINTH.
HOW AM I GOING TO TELL EMMET? ( Hyacinth singing ) A-HUNTING WE WILL GO I'VE INVITED ELIZABETH AND EMME TO CUCUMBER SANDWICHES AND MY COUNTRY CREAM TEA.
TODAY?! WELL, LATER THIS AFTERNOON, DEAR.
WE HAVE THE WHOLE MORNING TO OURSELVES.
RICHARD, WHY DO YOU KEEP STANDING LIKE THAT? I HAVE TO STAND LIKE THIS.
IF I DON'T STAND LIKE THIS, I DON'T FIT THE DAMN PLACE.
YOU'LL FEEL MUCH BETTER WHEN YOU'LL GET A LITTLE COUNTRY AIR INSIDE YOU.
( resumes singing ) ( door slams ) I BOUGHT YOU THE MAGAZINE YOU LIKE.
THANK YOU.
I JUST HAD HYACINTH ON THE PHONE.
PERFECT! HYACINTH ON THE PHONE, SOMEWHERE OUT THERE IN THE COUNTRY! OH, HOW WONDERFUL! ( plays "Put On A Happy Face" ) IT'S HYACINTH NEXT DOOR I CAN'T STAND.
I LOVE THE THOUGHT OF HYACINTH BEING SOMEWHERE REMOTE IN THE COUNTRY.
THISCOUNTRY, BUT STILL WE'RE INVITED FOR TEA AND CUCUMBER SANDWICHES.
( bangs ) YOU DIDN'T SAY YES? SHE SAID, WEAR "SOMETHING TWEEDY.
COUNTRY BUT SMART.
" ( bangs keys ) ( sniffs deeply ) OH, RICHARD! DON'T YOU LOVE BEING IN THE COUNTRY? WHAT I LOVE IS BEING DRESSED IN MY NORMAL CLOTHES.
NOW, LOOK DEAR, IF WE'RE GOING TO MINGLE WITH THE COUNTY SET, WE HAVE TO LOOK THE PART.
SO PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, DEAR.
LET'S GO.
KEEP UP, RICHARD! COME ALONG! I FEEL AS IF MY LEGS ARE STUCK INTO DRAINPIPES.
YOU LOOK VERY SMART, DEAR.
I SHALL TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH FOR SHERIDAN.
NOT ON A HORSE! I CAN'T WEAR THESE ON A HORSE! SHH! THE BEAUTY OF MY LITTLE SCHEME, RICHARD, HAVETO RIDE.
WE SIMPLY LOOK AS IF WE'RE GOING TO RIDE.
THAT'S ALL THAT'S NECESSARY.
THAT'S VERY DEVIOUS, BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW RELIEVED I AM.
I NEED SOME FRESH AIR.
WIDE OPEN, NO-HOLDS-BARRED COUNTRY AIR.
YES.
SHOULD DO US BOTH A POWER OF GOOD.
IF WE HAVE TO FACE HYACINTH LATER, I'M GOING TO NEED TO BLOW THE COBWEBS AWAY.
( sniffs ) JUST SMELL THAT FRESH AIR.
IT SMELLS MORE LIKE A DRAFT TO ME.
OH, ISN'T THA ELIZABETH'S CAR? YES IT IS.
THEY'RE VERY EARLY.
( honking ) STOP, RICHARD, STOP! OH LOOK, THERE'S HYACINTH AND RICHARD! - KEEP DRIVING! KEEP DRIVING! - THEY'VE SEEN US.
SHE'S IN RIDING GEAR.
DID YOU KNOW SHE COULD RIDE? I'LL BET SHE CAN'T.
PULL INTO THEIR LAY-BY, I WANT A CLOSER LOOK AT THIS.
GOING RIDING, HYACINTH? HMM? YES! LOVELY MORNING FOR IT, ISN'T IT? TELL YOU WHAT-- WHY DON'T WE ALL GO TOGETHER? ( chuckles ) EMMET, YOU ARE WICKED.
YES, I KNOW.
ISN'T IT DELICIOUS? WHY NOT JUST TELL THEM THAT WE CAN'T RIDE? I DON'T KNOW THAT I CAN'T RIDE.
I'VE NEVER TRIED.
THERE'S EVERY POSSIBILITY THAT I MIGHT RIDE BEAUTIFULLY.
THE CLOTHES FIT.
Hyacinth: OFF YOU GO, EMMET.
WE'LL CATCH YOU UP LATER.
NO, NO.
I'LL WAIT.
WE'LL GO TOGETHER, HYACINTH.
THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR.
RIGHT, THEN, I'LL GO AROUND THE CORNER AND MOUNT.
WHY AROUND THE CORNER? I ALWAYS THINK MODESTY REQUIRES A LADY TO MOUNT ALONE.
EXCEPT IN THE PRESENCE OF HER HUSBAND.
UP WE GO.
UP WE GO.
( laughs ) EMMET, STOP IT! NOW LISTEN, HORSE, I'M NOT A PERSON TO BE TRIFLED WITH.
RICHARD, COME AND HELP ME UP, DEAR.
ALLEZ-- ALLEZ-OOP! OOH! I'M JUST TAKING A BREATHER.
HOW MUCH LONGER ARE THEY GOING TO BE? ( Hyacinth groans ) WELL SO FAR, SO GOOD.
HOW DOES ONE START IT? I THINK YOU CLICK YOUR TONGUE OR SOMETHING.
HMM? ( clicking ) TSK-TSK THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
( clicking tongue ) ( clicking continues ) TSK-- TSK-TSK TSK-TSK-TSK-TSK PERHAPS YOU LEF THE BRAKE ON, HYACINTH.
HMM? IN FILMS, WHEN THEY WAN TO GET A HORSE GOING, THEY SLAP I ON THE RUMP.
WELL, TRY THAT, DEAR.
BUT GENTLY-- REMEMBER, I AM NO ROY ROGERS.
HURRY UP, HYACINTH.
WE'VE ONLY GOT THE HORSES FOR AN HOUR.
TALLY-HO! WE'RE JUST COMING.
TRY IT A BIT HARDER, DEAR.
PERHAPS YOU BETTER GO AND HAVE A LIE-DOWN.
I CAN'T, DEAR.
I'VE ASKED A FEW PEOPLE TO DROP IN.
IT'S YOU THAT'S BEEN DOING THE DROPPING IN.
SHH.
SEE OUR GUESTS INTO THE LOUNGE.
WILL YOU, RICHARD? WHILST I CHANGE.
ELIZABETH! IT'S UP THE STAIRS AND ON THE LEFT.
THEY MUSTN' CATCH ME HERE, LOOKING LIKE THIS.
MAKE THEM COMFY, DEAR.
Richard: MIND YOUR HEADS, YOU TWO! OH, IT'S REALLY QUITE - Emmet: SMALL.
- ENCHANTING! MAKE YOURSELVES COMFORTABLE, BUT STAY ALERT.
NO, NOT THIS END.
I BET HYACINTH SITS THAT END.
( thumps ) OH! OUCH! SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT STAYING ALERT? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YES, I'M FINE.
DON'T WORRY, RICHARD.
( thumping below ) EXCUSE ME, I'D BETTER SEE WHAT THAT NOISE IS, BUT WILL YOU HELP YOURSELVES TO A DRINK? - WHAT'S THE MATTER? - I CAN'T OPEN THE BEDROOM DOOR.
- IS IT LOCKED? - IT CAN'T BE LOCKED, DEAR.
THERE ISN'T A KEY.
- WELL-- AGH! IT'S STUCK.
- I KNOW IT'S STUCK.
DO SOMETHING, RICHARD! I'VE GOT TO GET IN THE BEDROOM AND GET CHANGED! - OH-- GUESTS ALREADY! THEY MUSTN'T FIND ME LIKE THIS.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING, DEAR? - THERE ARE PEOPLE AT THE DOOR.
NO, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR! I'M NOT DRESSED FOR RECEIVING.
WHERE'S-- OH, I KNOW! THE CLOAKROOM.
YOU'RE GONNA HIDE IN THE CLOAKROOM? IT'S NOT A QUESTION OF HIDING, DEAR.
IT'S A QUESTION OF ALWAYS CREATING THE RIGHT IMPRESSION.
GIVE ME A HAND, WILL YOU? GIVE ME A HAND.
I HAD NO IDEA THAT SPENDING TIME IN THE COUNTRY WOULD BE SO INVIGORATING.
( doorbell ringing ) LET THEM IN.
NO, DON'T LET THEM IN.
I CAN'T CLOSE THE DOOR.
HELLO! - HELP ME! - YES, YES.
THERE, THERE.
THAT'S IT.
OH! SHOW THEM INTO THE LOUNGE.
- NO, NO, NO, NOT THE LOUNGE! - HMM? NO, I SHOULDN'T, HYACINTH.
NOT TO SHOW PEOPLE INTO THE LOUNGE-- NOT FOR A MOMENT.
- WHY EVER NOT? - I'M AFRAID I'VE SPILLED MY LEMONADE.
OH, ELIZABETH! OM MY NEW COTTAGE SUITE? NO! NO.
ON EMMET.
OH, EMMET! ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN.
- BUT THERE'S MORE.
- MORE?! YOU SEE, IT WAS ICY COLD, AND IT STARTLED HIM AND HE JUMPED UP.
THAT'S QUITE NATURAL, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THAT? WELL-- I THINK YOU BETTER COME AND HAVE A LOOK.
OH-- ER-- ( doorbell rings ) DON'T NEGLEC OUR GUESTS, RICHARD.
I WOULDN'T DREAM OF IT.
- COME DOWN AT ONCE! - NO, NO, NO! HE CAN'T! THERE'S A SHARP PIECE STICKING IN HIS NECK.
( moans ) OH! THERE'S A BIT OF A PROBLEM IN THE LOUNGE, SO FOR THE MOMENT-- WOULD YOU MIND MAKING YOURSELVES HOME IN THE KITCHEN? ( Emmet yells ) WHAT'S HAPPENING? - HYACINTH IS ORGANIZING SOMETHING.
- Emmet: OH-HH! REMAIN CALM, EMMET.
I'M WORKING ON YOUR RESCUE.
( yells ) I AM CALM, HYACINTH! - SHH.
- UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES, I THINK I'M BEING EXCEPTIONALLY CALM.
RICHARD'S LOOKING FOR A SHARP KNIFE - ( moans ) - TO CUT YOU FREE.
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, BE CAREFUL.
SHH! IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME A MOMENT, I'LL GO AND ATTEND TO YOUR LOWER HALF.
( doorbell rings ) Richard: BE BACK IN A JIFFY.
- HELLO, COME IN.
- HOW DO YOU DO? YOUR WIFE INVITED ME UP TO SEE YOUR NEW HOME.
WHY DON'T WE GO AND TAKE A LOOK AT THE KITCHEN? THIS WAY.
ON THE RIGHT.
I COULDN' FIND A KNIFE.
WILL THIS DO? HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU INVITED? - JUST A HANDFUL, DEAR.
- WE'VE ALREADY GO OUR HANDS FULL.
ONSLOW-- WHY DO YOU ALWAYS GO SLOWLY WHEN WE'RE VISITING OUR HYACINTH? SOMEHOW THE THOUGH OF YOUR HYACINTH EXERTS A BRAKING FORCE.
OH, I KNOW WHAT HE MEANS.
WHENEVER I'M ON THE BRINK OF LETTING MYSELF GO, I GET THESE VISIONS OF OUR HYACINTH.
HAVE YOU GOT RID OF MR.
MURCHISON YET? HIM?! DON'T SPEAK TO ME ABOUT HIM.
HE WAS COMPLETELY WITHOUT SCRUPLE.
WHAT CAN YOU MAKE OF A MAN WHO GIVES AWAY HIS OWN WIFE'S JEWELRY? WHAT HAPPENED TO IT? AS SOON AS WE FINISHED, HE ASKED ME FOR IT BACK.
THAT'S ONE THING ONSLOW'S NEVER DONE-- GIVEN MY JEWELRY AWAY.
HE'S NEVER BOUGHT ME ANY IN THE FIRST PLACE.
KEEPS LIFE SIMPLE.
HANDS UP, ANYBODY WHO REALLY WANTS TO GROW UP TO BE SOMEBODY OBSESSED WITH POSSESSIONS.
( groans ) ( howls ) ARGH-HH! AH, YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL WHEN A PERSON'S MUSICAL.
( doorbell rings ) ( panting ) I'LL BE BACK IN A JIFFY.
- OH, HELLO! - HELLO, RICHARD.
- HELLO, RICHARD.
- HELLO, RICHARD.
WELCOME TO UTTER CHAOS! ( Emmet screams ) AA-ARGH! LISTEN, IF YOU'RE BUSY, WE'LL-- NO, NO, NO.
WE'RE IN THE KITCHEN-- UP THE STAIRS TO THE RIGHT.
Rose: WE LEFT FATHER IN THE CAR.
HE COULDN'T MAKE THE STAIRS.
Richard: I DON'T THINK HE'D HAVE MADE THE FIRST FLIGHT.
AH, THERE YOU ARE, EMMET! NOW, PLEASE, DON'T GO UP THERE AGAIN.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'LL GO AND SEE TO MY GUESTS.
( all screaming ) Daisy: HYACINTH, WE'RE STUCK! ( yells ) ELIZABETH WILL YOU TELEPHONE THE EMERGENCY SERVICES? ( theme music playing )