Keeping Up Appearances s05e04 Episode Script
A Riverside Picnic
( theme music playing ) YOU SEE? NO TRAFFIC.
I TOLD YOU WE'D DO BETTER ON THE COUNTRY ROADS.
FEEL FREE IF YOU'D LIKE TO WALK.
DON'T WAIT FOR ME.
OH, RICHARD, DO STOP COMPLAINING, DEAR.
WE'RE NO IN A HURRY.
WE ONLY CAME OU FOR A RIDE.
ENJOY THE COUNTRYSIDE.
OOH! OOH! PLEASE DON'T USE LANGUAGE LIKE THAT, RICHARD.
I NEVER SAID A WORD.
I CAN HEAR YOU THINKING, DEAR.
YOU CAN COME OUT, IT'S QUITE SAFE.
ARE YOU SURE THEY'VE GONE OUT? I SAW THEM GO.
SHE SAID THEY WERE GOING FOR A DRIVE.
I WISH YOU'D MAKE SURE.
( doorbell rings ) SATISFIED? ( humming ) HOW LONG A DRIVE? OHH.
JUST SIT IN THE SUN AND READ YOUR PAPER.
MIND THE CATTLE.
THEY'RE IN THE FIELDINGS.
THOSE ARE.
THERE MAY BE OTHERS.
Hyacinth: RICHARD, STOP! WELL, WHAT NOW? I CAN'T SEE ANY COWS.
NO, IT'S NO THE COWS, DEAR.
IT'S THE RIVER.
I WAS MISSING THE RIVER.
I WASN'T GOING INTO THE RIVER.
I JUST WANTED YOU TO HAVE A LOOK AT IT.
IT'S VERY PRETTY.
HYACINTH, YOU MUSTN'T SHOU "STOP" LIKE THAT, BECAUSE I THOUGH IT WAS AN EMERGENCY.
( car horn honks ) THERE'S A VEHICLE BEHIND.
I KNOW THERE'S A VEHICLE BEHIND.
( car horn honking ) YOU'RE IN A VERY FUNNY MOOD TODAY, RICHARD "BOUQUET.
" I CAN HEAR YOU THINKING AGAIN.
AND IT'S NOT "BOUQUET," IT'S BUCKET.
IT WAS ALWAYS BUCKE TILL I MET YOU.
DON'T LET'S GO THROUGH ALL THAT AGAIN.
PARK THE CAR, DEAR.
I'D LIKE TO WALK THE RIVER BANK.
FANCY ANOTHER? WHY NOT? ( giggling ) AHH! WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT TERRIBLE BIRD YOU USED TO KNOCK ABOUT WITH? I MARRIED YOU.
I MEAN THE OTHER ONE.
WHAT WAS HER NAME? MELANIE.
( laughing ) FANCY GOING OUT WITH A MUFFIN CALLED MELANIE! WASN'T HER FAULT.
HER MOTHER LIKED "GONE WITH THE WIND.
" OH.
ANYWAY, IT WAS OVER WHEN I MET YOU.
YOU WERE SEEING HER BEHIND MY BACK.
WELL, IT WAS TAPERING OFF.
OH, RICHARD, ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL? I LOVE IT.
I SHALL HOLD A RIVERSIDE PICNIC, RICHARD.
OUT OF DOORS, BUT EVERY BI AS ELEGAN AS ONE OF MY CANDLELIGH SUPPERS.
DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA? MIND THE YACHT, DEAR.
I CAN'T EVEN SEE A YACHT.
YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT I'M GOING BACKWARDS.
SHOULD YOU BE GOING BACKWARDS, DEAR? THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
OH, WELL, KEEP PRACTICING AND YOU OUGHT TO BE THE RIGHT WAY ROUND FOR MY RIVERSIDE PICNIC.
( hammering ) HAS YOUR ROSE GO A BOYFRIEND IN? NOT TO MY KNOWLEDGE.
( hammering ) THERE'S SOMETHING GOING ON IN HER ROOM.
MORE THAN CAN BE SAID FOR OURS.
( hammering ) PERHAPS IT'S YOUR FATHER.
WHERE DID HE GE THE HAMMER? IT'S NOT EXACTLY AS IF YOU'VE GO THE BEST TOOL KIT.
I'M NOT GIFTED THAT WAY.
MY TALENTS ARE MORE INTELLECTUAL.
OH, I WOULDN' SAY THAT.
"RIPARIAN!" WHAT? WHAT?! "RIPARIAN.
" THAT'S THE WORD I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR, AND I'VE FOUND I IN SHERIDAN'S DICTIONARY.
OH, GOD, I THOUGHT WE HAD BURGLARS.
IT MEANS, "OF THE RIVER BANK.
" FASCINATING, BUT WHAT DO YOU WAN WITH A WORD LIKE "RIPARIAN"? ESPECIALLY AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT.
BECAUSE I HAVE TO ISSUE INVITATIONS TO MY WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH R-RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS.
OH, YOU MEAN A RIVERSIDE PICNIC? NO, I DO NOT MEAN RIVERSIDE PICNIC, RICHARD.
I MEAN WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS.
ENTERTAINMENTS, YES.
NOW, PRINCIPAL GUESTS.
( hammering ) WHAT'S GOING ON? DADDY'S BORED.
HE WANTS TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
WELL, HE COULD STOP HAMMERING FOR A START.
WE'LL HAVE TO WATCH HIM.
WHEN HE FEELS LIKE THAT, HE ALWAYS GOES LOOKING FOR MRS.
PENDLEBURY.
WHICH IS MORE THAN MR.
PENDLEBURY EVER DID.
DIDN'T SHE MOVE TO CHESTERFIELD? I AM NOT FETCHING YOUR FATHER BACK FROM CHESTERFIELD.
( hammering ) OH, WHAT CAN HE BE DOING? HE'S INVENTING SOMETHING SECRET.
LIKE WHAT? HE WON'T TELL ME, IT'S A SECRET.
( hammering ) WHY ME? ( silent ) I'D LIKE A WORD WITH YOU, POSTMAN.
D-DID YOU SEE THAT? I WAS ABOUT TO DELIVER THIS IN THE ORDINARY MANNER, WHEN THIS SUDDEN, FREAK WIND TORE IT OUT OF MY GRASP.
WHEW! I MADE EVERY EFFOR TO CLING ON TO I GAMELY IN THE BEST TRADITIONS OF THE POSTAL SERVICE.
BUT IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR ME, AND IT WAS SNATCHED-- SNATCHED FROM MY FINGERTIPS! WIND? AND THANK GOODNESS IT'S GONE AS QUICKLY AS IT CAME.
DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE QUITE SAFE NOW.
JUST A MOMENT! OH, ALL RIGHT, I GIVE UP.
I THREW IT.
I TOSSED I STRAIGHT AT YOUR DOOR.
IT MISSED COMPLETELY, BUT I INTENDED IT TO LAND ON YOUR STEP.
NEVER MIND ABOUT THAT.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT FOR NEXT DOOR? I CAN'T SHOW YOU WHAT I'VE GOT FOR NEXT DOOR.
I DON'T WAN TO LOOK INSIDE.
I JUST WANT TO BE SURE YOU HAVE AN ENVELOPE IN MY HANDWRITING FOR NEXT DOOR, SO THAT I KNOW THEIR INVITATION HAS ARRIVED.
THEY'RE INVITED TO MY WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENT.
YOU POSTED A LETTER THAT'S ONLY GOING AS FAR AS NEXT DOOR? YES.
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST PUSH IT THROUGH THEIR LETTERBOX? BECAUSE I LIKE PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT I USE FIRST CLASS STAMPS.
- PLEASE, COULD I SEE IT? - I'M SORRY, MRS.
BUCKET-- "BOUQUET!" SORRY.
BUT NO, NO, NO.
IT'S MORE THAN MY JOB'S WORTH TO START SHOWING YOU OTHER PEOPLE'S MAIL.
IT'S NOT OTHER PEOPLE'S MAIL, IT'S MY MAIL.
I WROTE IT.
NO, I'M SORRY.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TURN MY BACK.
I'LL DESCRIBE THE ENVELOPE TO YOU.
THE ENVELOPE IS OF A PALE SHADE OF MAUVE, LAVENDER SCENTED.
IT IS ADDRESSED TO ELIZABETH AND EMMET, AND THE POSTAGE STAMP IS ALIGNED EXACTLY TO THE EDGE OF THE ENVELOPE.
CLOSE.
OOH, WE'RE INVITED TO A WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS.
GOOD.
I COULD DO WITH A CHANGE.
SOUNDS DELIGHTFUL.
WE'LL GO.
IT'S FROM THE BUCKET WOMAN.
WE'RE NOT GOING.
MAKE SOME EXCUSE.
MAKE YOUR OWN EXCUSES.
I WILL NOT GET INVOLVED WITH THE BUCKET WOMAN.
WE'RE INVITED TO A WHAT? A WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS.
WITH WHAT ENTERTAINMENTS? I LOOKED IT UP.
IT'S TO DO WITH RIVERS AND RIVER BANKS.
SHE MEANS A RIVERSIDE PICNIC.
I EXPECT SO.
WHATEVER IT IS WE'RE NOT GOING-- AT LEAST I'M NOT.
I THOUGH YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.
AND WHAT'S MORE, YOU CAN TELL HER I SAID IT.
OH NO, NOT THIS TIME.
YOU CAN TELL HER.
WHAT?! AHHH! WELL GO ON, THEN.
RING HER UP.
TELL HER WE'RE NOT GOING TO HER "WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS.
" I INTEND TO.
DON'T WORRY, I'LL TELL HER.
The "Bouquet" residence, the lady of the house speaking.
GOOD MORNING, MRS.
"BOUQUET," IT'S THE VICAR HERE.
Ah, good morning, Vicar.
ABOUT YOUR "WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS," THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND INVITATION, BUT-- I'M SO GLAD YOU CAN COME.
- AH-- - YOU'RE ONE OF THE FIRS ON MY INVITATION LIST.
YOU'LL REALLY ENJOY AN ELEGANT AND LEISURELY EVENING BY THE RIVER.
YOU'VE BEEN TO MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.
YOU KNOW THE SOR OF THING I DO.
HELLO? HELLO, VICAR? - VICAR ARE YOU THERE? - ( dial tone ) VI-- HE MUST HAVE BEEN SPIRITED AWAY.
THE VICAR'S COMING, RICHARD.
HE WAS SO EXCITED, I COULD HARDLY GET A WORD IN.
I WISH YOU LUCK.
I DON'T NEED LUCK.
IT'S NOT A QUESTION OF LUCK.
IT'S SIMPLY A QUESTION OF TELLING HER WE'RE NOT GOING.
EXACTLY.
I WISH YOU LUCK.
( doorbell rings ) EMMET! HOW NICE OF YOU TO RESPOND SO PROMPTLY.
HYACINTH, ABOUT YOUR MY WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENT.
- THAT'S THE ONE.
- I KNEW YOU'D BE EXCITED.
THE THING IS, I CAN'T POSSIBLY-- THANK ME ENOUGH.
DON'T TAKE THA ATTITUDE, EMMET.
YOU DON'T OWE ME ANY THANKS.
IT'LL BE MY GREAT PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU THERE.
OH, COFFEE IN 10 MINUTES, ELIZABETH.
YOU'LL STAY FOR COFFEE WON'T YOU, EMMET? UH, NO.
NO, NO, NO.
THANK YOU.
HYACINTH-- OH, WHAT A PITY.
NEVER MIND.
THERE'S STILL MY RIVERSIDE FUNCTION TO LOOK FORWARD TO.
BYE! ( hammering ) ( music playing on TV ) WHATEVER HE'S BUILDING, WHY CAN'T HE BUILD I OUTSIDE? - I'VE ASKED HIM THAT.
- WHAT DID HE SAY? HE SAYS-- OHHH! ( TV volume decreases ) HE SAYS HE CAN'T BUILD I OUTSIDE BECAUSE IT'S A SECRET.
HOW CAN HE KEEP IT SECRE IF EVERYBODY SEES IT OUTSIDE? ( hammering ) WHO'S GOING TO CLEAN HIS BEDROOM WHEN HE'S FINISHED? I CLEANED IT LAST TIME.
IT WASN'T FULL OF SAWDUST, THOUGH, WAS IT? LOOK, I DON'T MIND DUSTING, BUT I THINK THA SAWDUST IS A MAN'S JOB.
NOT IN THIS HOUSE, IT ISN'T.
WELL DONE, VICAR, THAT'S VERY TIDY.
OH! WHAT A NEAT KNOT.
OH, DO BE CAREFUL WITH MY CUSTOM-MADE PLASTIC PICNIC-WARE, RICHARD.
WHERE DO YOU WANT IT? INSIDE THE CAR, I THINK.
- HYACINTH - YES, DEAR? COULD YOU OPEN THE DOOR, PLEASE? JUST A MINUTE, DEAR, I'M CHECKING.
RICHARD, LET ME.
- THERE YOU ARE.
- THANKS.
YES, DEAR? WHAT WAS IT? IT DOESN' MATTER NOW.
NOW WHERE ARE THE PRAWNS? WHERE ARE THE PRAWNS?! THE PRAWNS ARE HERE.
THE PRAWNS ARE TYING THE FURNITURE TO THE ROOF.
BE QUIET, EMMET, SHE'LL HEAR YOU.
IF SHE DOES, IT'LL BE FOR THE FIRST TIME.
SHE NEVER LISTENS.
VICAR, I BELIEVE YOU HAVE THE PRAWNS.
I HAVE? DO BE CAREFUL WITH THEM.
THEY'RE SELECT NORWEGIAN.
DON'T SAY IT.
DON'T WORRY ABOU THOSE FOR A MOMENT, RICHARD.
WE'LL WAIT FOR MY SISTER VIOLET'S MERCEDES.
SHE'LL HAVE AMPLE ROOM FOR A TABLE OR TWO.
AFTER ALL, SHE DOES HAVE ROOM FOR A PONY.
VIOLET, WHERE ARE YOU, DEAR? YOU'RE LATE.
YES, WELL, WE'RE ALL READY.
MMM.
I THOUGH YOU COULD HELP US WITH THE TABLES.
IT'S MY SISTER VIOLET.
SHE'S THE ONE WITH THE MERCEDES, SAUNA AND A MUSICAL BIDET.
CLASSICAL, OF COURSE.
NOW, WHY IS BRUCE HAVING A LIE DOWN? WELL, WAKE HIM UP.
GET HIM UP.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE CAN'T STAND UP? VIOLET, IF HE HAS DRUNK ALL YOUR SHERRY, DEAR, IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.
GET A FRIEND TO DRIVE YOU.
IN THE SAME INCOME BRACKET, OF COURSE.
WE'LL MEET YOU AT THE RIVER, NEXT TO THE BOATYARD.
WHAT A WASTE OF SHERRY.
ALL THE TRIFLES SHE COULD HAVE MADE.
- Emmet: OH! - NO, IT CAN' GO FURTHER BACK BECAUSE-- I'M SO GLAD SOMEONE'S GO ROOM FOR A PONY.
( laughing ) ISN'T SHE A LITTLE OVERDRESSED? IT'S ONLY A PICNIC.
IS EVERYBODY READY THEN? ISN'T THIS THRILLING? WHY DID YOU PUT HER IN MY PARISH? DRIVE CAREFULLY, RICHARD.
REMEMBER-- UPON YOU DEPENDS THE SAFETY OF MY SELEC NORWEGIAN PRAWNS.
Hyacinth: IT'S MUCH BUMPIER THAN WHEN WE WERE HERE A FEW DAYS AGO.
ARE YOU CONCENTRATING, RICHARD? IT'S NOT ME, IT'S THE POTHOLES.
WELL, MIND THE POTHOLES.
MINDING THE POTHOLES! MY HAT, RICHARD.
STOP THE CAR.
- CAREFUL-- - AHH! ( tires screeching ) OHH, OWW! NOW I'LL FIND US A SMOOTHER WAY.
OH, LIZ, WHAT A TEMPTATION THAT MUST BE.
OH, LOOK, THE RIVER'S OVER THERE.
COME ALONG.
I'LL DRIVE YOU ANYTIME, VIOLET.
AS LONG AS I DON' HAVE TO WEAR A SUI AND A CAP.
YOU'D LOOK GREA IN A SUIT AND CAP.
I'M MORE YOUR CASUAL DRESSER.
MAXIMUM CHIC FOR ME IS MORE YOUR LAID BACK, SLOBBY LOOK.
SHUT THE GATE! I CAN THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE I'D LIKE TO SHUT.
IT'S JUST ROUND THE NEXT BEND.
A LOVELY SECLUDED SPOT, YOU'LL SEE.
( panting ) WELL WORTH THE EFFORT.
WHEN I FIRST SAW IT, I KNEW I WAS WHERE I MUST HOLD MY WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS.
OFF WE GO AGAIN.
SING IF YOU LIKE.
Hyacinth: I LOVE TO GO A WANDERING - ALONG THE RIVER BANK - WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO SING? ( mutters ) WHY MUST SHE DO ANYTHING? ( panting ) WE'RE ALMOST THERE.
YOU'LL LOVE IT.
I PROMISE YOU.
YOU'LL REALLY LOVE IT.
( engine running ) NOW WHAT? FRIENDS, I AM SORRY TO HAVE TO INFORM YOU THAT SOME HOSTILE AND INCONSIDERATE PERSON HAS SEEN FIT TO PLACE A DREDGER AT MY CHOSEN SPOT.
DON'T BE FAINT-HEARTED, I HAVE A SOLUTION.
WE SHALL GO AND COMMANDEER SOME SMALL CRAFT, THEN DRIFT AT LEISURE UNTIL WE HAPPEN UPON ANOTHER IDEAL PLACE FOR OUR WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS.
FOLLOW ME.
FOLLOW ME! I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY COULD HAVE GOT TO.
SHE SAID SHE'D MEET US HERE.
WE WEREN'T INVITED, VIOLET.
YOU WERE INVITED BY ME.
WE BROUGHT GRUB, SO WE MIGH AS WELL START OUR OWN PICNIC.
FAIR ENOUGH.
I'LL GET THE WINE FROM THE COOLER.
HAVE YOU GO FATHER'S BEER? HE CAN HAVE A BEER WHEN HE TELLS US WHA HE WAS INVENTING.
I'VE ASKED HIM, BUT HE WON' TELL ME.
NOW WE'RE NEVER GOING TO KNOW.
I HOPE I WASN'T SOMETHING THAT COULD'VE BECOME A HOUSEHOLD NAME.
LIKE YOUR ROSE.
WHY IS THERE A QUEUE, RICHARD? THIS IS A LOCK GATE.
THEY'RE WAITING TO ENTER THE LOCK.
LOCK? HAS SOMEBODY LOS THE KEY, DEAR? ( laughing ) NO.
NOW YOU MUSTN'T BE IMPATIENT.
WE SIMPLY HAVE TO WAI UNTIL IT'S OUR TURN.
NONSENSE.
OVERTAKE THEM, RICHARD.
THESE PEOPLE ARE PROBABLY ALL ON HOLIDAY.
THEY'VE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD.
WE'RE ONLY HERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
WE CAN'T BE WAITING IN QUEUES.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, HOLIDAYMAKERS.
( horn blares ) RICHARD, WHY HAVE THEY LOCKED US IN? WE'VE GOT TO WAI FOR THE WATER LEVEL TO DROP.
I CAN'T STAY HERE AND WAI FOR THE TIDE TO GO OUT.
IT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH THE TIDE.
THEY HAVE TO DRAIN THE WATER FROM THE LOCK.
I THINK IT'S RIDICULOUS.
WHY CAN'T WE GO STRAIGH THROUGH? BECAUSE WE'RE WAITING FOR THE LOCK-KEEPER.
THERE HE IS NOW.
SEE, HE'LL LET THE WATER OUT, AND THEN VERY SOON, THEY'LL ALLOW US THROUGH.
AHOY THERE, LOCK-KEEPER! I MUST WARN YOU THAT WE'VE SAILED ON THE QE2.
AS AN EXPERIENCED MARINER, I'M NOT PREPARED TO WAI DOWN HERE INDEFINITELY.
THERE MUST BE A QUICKER WAY TO GO.
YOU COULD TRY GOING OVER THE WEIR.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, RICHARD? SHALL WE TRY GOING OVER THE WEIR? WE WON' BE LONG NOW.
WE'LL PROBABLY FIND SOMEWHERE JUST ROUND THE NEXT CORNER.
THAT'S WHA SHE KEEPS SAYING.
PASS IT ON.
( mimics Hyacinth ) WON'T BE LONG NOW! - WE'LL PROBABLY-- - EMMETT! IF YOU'RE NAUGHTY, SHE WON'T ASK YOU AGAIN.
( mimics Hyacinth ) WE'LL PROBABLY FIND I JUST ROUND THE NEXT CORNER.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? ASK ME LATER.
AT THE MOMENT I HAVEN'T GO THE ENERGY TO CHECK.
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU WATCH THE BOAT RACE, THEY SEEM TO GO QUITE FAST.
THERE ARE EIGHT OF THEM.
OH, YES.
I SUPPOSE THAT MUS MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
AND THEY DON'T CARRY PASSENGERS AND A SIX-COURSE BANQUET.
ARE YOU STARTING TO FLAG, RICHARD? JUST A LITTLE.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO TAKE OVER? NO, SOMEHOW I DON'T THINK THAT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA, HYACINTH.
THEY HAVE LADY ROWERS IN THE OLYMPICS.
WE'RE NOT IN THE OLYMPICS.
IT JUST FEELS AS IF WE ARE.
WELL, AT LEAST LET ME SHARE THE BURDEN.
OH, LOOK! - WHAT'S SHE DOING? - I DON'T KNOW.
SHE'S GOING TO HELP HIM.
I WONDER IF RICHARD SEES IT THAT WAY.
- I HOPE WE'LL BE ABLE TO KEEP UP.
- OH, DEAR.
NOW DO WE DO IT TOGETHER, OR TAKE IT IN TURNS? - NOW, HYACINTH-- - NO, THERE'S NO TIME TO DISCUSS IT, DEAR.
YOU STAR AND I'LL COPY YOU.
WELL, WATCH.
( chuckles ) THERE! IT'S NOT VERY DIFFICULT WHEN YOU KNOW HOW.
SHE'S DOING QUITE WELL.
COME ON, KEEP UP, EMMET! DON'T YOU START.
THIS IS REALLY FUN, ISN'T IT, RICHARD? EMMET, LOOK! ( laughing ) THANK YOU, LORD.
WE HAVEN'T HAD THE PICNIC, BUT I MUST SAY I ENJOYED THE RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS.
OH, THERE'S THAT DISHY EMMET.
HI, LIZ.
- ONSLOW! HELLO, DAISY, ROSE.
- HELLO, DAISY! OH, THERE'S THAT DISHY VICAR.
EVENING, VICAR.
HELLO, ONSLOW.
SORRY WE CAN'T STOP.
THEY'VE THROWN HER IN.
I BET SOMEBODY'S JUST SNAPPED.
JUST LOOK AT THA STIFF UPPER LIP.
YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIRE THAT STIFF UPPER LIP.
( theme music playing )
I TOLD YOU WE'D DO BETTER ON THE COUNTRY ROADS.
FEEL FREE IF YOU'D LIKE TO WALK.
DON'T WAIT FOR ME.
OH, RICHARD, DO STOP COMPLAINING, DEAR.
WE'RE NO IN A HURRY.
WE ONLY CAME OU FOR A RIDE.
ENJOY THE COUNTRYSIDE.
OOH! OOH! PLEASE DON'T USE LANGUAGE LIKE THAT, RICHARD.
I NEVER SAID A WORD.
I CAN HEAR YOU THINKING, DEAR.
YOU CAN COME OUT, IT'S QUITE SAFE.
ARE YOU SURE THEY'VE GONE OUT? I SAW THEM GO.
SHE SAID THEY WERE GOING FOR A DRIVE.
I WISH YOU'D MAKE SURE.
( doorbell rings ) SATISFIED? ( humming ) HOW LONG A DRIVE? OHH.
JUST SIT IN THE SUN AND READ YOUR PAPER.
MIND THE CATTLE.
THEY'RE IN THE FIELDINGS.
THOSE ARE.
THERE MAY BE OTHERS.
Hyacinth: RICHARD, STOP! WELL, WHAT NOW? I CAN'T SEE ANY COWS.
NO, IT'S NO THE COWS, DEAR.
IT'S THE RIVER.
I WAS MISSING THE RIVER.
I WASN'T GOING INTO THE RIVER.
I JUST WANTED YOU TO HAVE A LOOK AT IT.
IT'S VERY PRETTY.
HYACINTH, YOU MUSTN'T SHOU "STOP" LIKE THAT, BECAUSE I THOUGH IT WAS AN EMERGENCY.
( car horn honks ) THERE'S A VEHICLE BEHIND.
I KNOW THERE'S A VEHICLE BEHIND.
( car horn honking ) YOU'RE IN A VERY FUNNY MOOD TODAY, RICHARD "BOUQUET.
" I CAN HEAR YOU THINKING AGAIN.
AND IT'S NOT "BOUQUET," IT'S BUCKET.
IT WAS ALWAYS BUCKE TILL I MET YOU.
DON'T LET'S GO THROUGH ALL THAT AGAIN.
PARK THE CAR, DEAR.
I'D LIKE TO WALK THE RIVER BANK.
FANCY ANOTHER? WHY NOT? ( giggling ) AHH! WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT TERRIBLE BIRD YOU USED TO KNOCK ABOUT WITH? I MARRIED YOU.
I MEAN THE OTHER ONE.
WHAT WAS HER NAME? MELANIE.
( laughing ) FANCY GOING OUT WITH A MUFFIN CALLED MELANIE! WASN'T HER FAULT.
HER MOTHER LIKED "GONE WITH THE WIND.
" OH.
ANYWAY, IT WAS OVER WHEN I MET YOU.
YOU WERE SEEING HER BEHIND MY BACK.
WELL, IT WAS TAPERING OFF.
OH, RICHARD, ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL? I LOVE IT.
I SHALL HOLD A RIVERSIDE PICNIC, RICHARD.
OUT OF DOORS, BUT EVERY BI AS ELEGAN AS ONE OF MY CANDLELIGH SUPPERS.
DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA? MIND THE YACHT, DEAR.
I CAN'T EVEN SEE A YACHT.
YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT I'M GOING BACKWARDS.
SHOULD YOU BE GOING BACKWARDS, DEAR? THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
OH, WELL, KEEP PRACTICING AND YOU OUGHT TO BE THE RIGHT WAY ROUND FOR MY RIVERSIDE PICNIC.
( hammering ) HAS YOUR ROSE GO A BOYFRIEND IN? NOT TO MY KNOWLEDGE.
( hammering ) THERE'S SOMETHING GOING ON IN HER ROOM.
MORE THAN CAN BE SAID FOR OURS.
( hammering ) PERHAPS IT'S YOUR FATHER.
WHERE DID HE GE THE HAMMER? IT'S NOT EXACTLY AS IF YOU'VE GO THE BEST TOOL KIT.
I'M NOT GIFTED THAT WAY.
MY TALENTS ARE MORE INTELLECTUAL.
OH, I WOULDN' SAY THAT.
"RIPARIAN!" WHAT? WHAT?! "RIPARIAN.
" THAT'S THE WORD I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR, AND I'VE FOUND I IN SHERIDAN'S DICTIONARY.
OH, GOD, I THOUGHT WE HAD BURGLARS.
IT MEANS, "OF THE RIVER BANK.
" FASCINATING, BUT WHAT DO YOU WAN WITH A WORD LIKE "RIPARIAN"? ESPECIALLY AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT.
BECAUSE I HAVE TO ISSUE INVITATIONS TO MY WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH R-RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS.
OH, YOU MEAN A RIVERSIDE PICNIC? NO, I DO NOT MEAN RIVERSIDE PICNIC, RICHARD.
I MEAN WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS.
ENTERTAINMENTS, YES.
NOW, PRINCIPAL GUESTS.
( hammering ) WHAT'S GOING ON? DADDY'S BORED.
HE WANTS TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
WELL, HE COULD STOP HAMMERING FOR A START.
WE'LL HAVE TO WATCH HIM.
WHEN HE FEELS LIKE THAT, HE ALWAYS GOES LOOKING FOR MRS.
PENDLEBURY.
WHICH IS MORE THAN MR.
PENDLEBURY EVER DID.
DIDN'T SHE MOVE TO CHESTERFIELD? I AM NOT FETCHING YOUR FATHER BACK FROM CHESTERFIELD.
( hammering ) OH, WHAT CAN HE BE DOING? HE'S INVENTING SOMETHING SECRET.
LIKE WHAT? HE WON'T TELL ME, IT'S A SECRET.
( hammering ) WHY ME? ( silent ) I'D LIKE A WORD WITH YOU, POSTMAN.
D-DID YOU SEE THAT? I WAS ABOUT TO DELIVER THIS IN THE ORDINARY MANNER, WHEN THIS SUDDEN, FREAK WIND TORE IT OUT OF MY GRASP.
WHEW! I MADE EVERY EFFOR TO CLING ON TO I GAMELY IN THE BEST TRADITIONS OF THE POSTAL SERVICE.
BUT IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR ME, AND IT WAS SNATCHED-- SNATCHED FROM MY FINGERTIPS! WIND? AND THANK GOODNESS IT'S GONE AS QUICKLY AS IT CAME.
DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE QUITE SAFE NOW.
JUST A MOMENT! OH, ALL RIGHT, I GIVE UP.
I THREW IT.
I TOSSED I STRAIGHT AT YOUR DOOR.
IT MISSED COMPLETELY, BUT I INTENDED IT TO LAND ON YOUR STEP.
NEVER MIND ABOUT THAT.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT FOR NEXT DOOR? I CAN'T SHOW YOU WHAT I'VE GOT FOR NEXT DOOR.
I DON'T WAN TO LOOK INSIDE.
I JUST WANT TO BE SURE YOU HAVE AN ENVELOPE IN MY HANDWRITING FOR NEXT DOOR, SO THAT I KNOW THEIR INVITATION HAS ARRIVED.
THEY'RE INVITED TO MY WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENT.
YOU POSTED A LETTER THAT'S ONLY GOING AS FAR AS NEXT DOOR? YES.
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST PUSH IT THROUGH THEIR LETTERBOX? BECAUSE I LIKE PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT I USE FIRST CLASS STAMPS.
- PLEASE, COULD I SEE IT? - I'M SORRY, MRS.
BUCKET-- "BOUQUET!" SORRY.
BUT NO, NO, NO.
IT'S MORE THAN MY JOB'S WORTH TO START SHOWING YOU OTHER PEOPLE'S MAIL.
IT'S NOT OTHER PEOPLE'S MAIL, IT'S MY MAIL.
I WROTE IT.
NO, I'M SORRY.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TURN MY BACK.
I'LL DESCRIBE THE ENVELOPE TO YOU.
THE ENVELOPE IS OF A PALE SHADE OF MAUVE, LAVENDER SCENTED.
IT IS ADDRESSED TO ELIZABETH AND EMMET, AND THE POSTAGE STAMP IS ALIGNED EXACTLY TO THE EDGE OF THE ENVELOPE.
CLOSE.
OOH, WE'RE INVITED TO A WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS.
GOOD.
I COULD DO WITH A CHANGE.
SOUNDS DELIGHTFUL.
WE'LL GO.
IT'S FROM THE BUCKET WOMAN.
WE'RE NOT GOING.
MAKE SOME EXCUSE.
MAKE YOUR OWN EXCUSES.
I WILL NOT GET INVOLVED WITH THE BUCKET WOMAN.
WE'RE INVITED TO A WHAT? A WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS.
WITH WHAT ENTERTAINMENTS? I LOOKED IT UP.
IT'S TO DO WITH RIVERS AND RIVER BANKS.
SHE MEANS A RIVERSIDE PICNIC.
I EXPECT SO.
WHATEVER IT IS WE'RE NOT GOING-- AT LEAST I'M NOT.
I THOUGH YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.
AND WHAT'S MORE, YOU CAN TELL HER I SAID IT.
OH NO, NOT THIS TIME.
YOU CAN TELL HER.
WHAT?! AHHH! WELL GO ON, THEN.
RING HER UP.
TELL HER WE'RE NOT GOING TO HER "WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS.
" I INTEND TO.
DON'T WORRY, I'LL TELL HER.
The "Bouquet" residence, the lady of the house speaking.
GOOD MORNING, MRS.
"BOUQUET," IT'S THE VICAR HERE.
Ah, good morning, Vicar.
ABOUT YOUR "WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS," THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND INVITATION, BUT-- I'M SO GLAD YOU CAN COME.
- AH-- - YOU'RE ONE OF THE FIRS ON MY INVITATION LIST.
YOU'LL REALLY ENJOY AN ELEGANT AND LEISURELY EVENING BY THE RIVER.
YOU'VE BEEN TO MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.
YOU KNOW THE SOR OF THING I DO.
HELLO? HELLO, VICAR? - VICAR ARE YOU THERE? - ( dial tone ) VI-- HE MUST HAVE BEEN SPIRITED AWAY.
THE VICAR'S COMING, RICHARD.
HE WAS SO EXCITED, I COULD HARDLY GET A WORD IN.
I WISH YOU LUCK.
I DON'T NEED LUCK.
IT'S NOT A QUESTION OF LUCK.
IT'S SIMPLY A QUESTION OF TELLING HER WE'RE NOT GOING.
EXACTLY.
I WISH YOU LUCK.
( doorbell rings ) EMMET! HOW NICE OF YOU TO RESPOND SO PROMPTLY.
HYACINTH, ABOUT YOUR MY WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENT.
- THAT'S THE ONE.
- I KNEW YOU'D BE EXCITED.
THE THING IS, I CAN'T POSSIBLY-- THANK ME ENOUGH.
DON'T TAKE THA ATTITUDE, EMMET.
YOU DON'T OWE ME ANY THANKS.
IT'LL BE MY GREAT PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU THERE.
OH, COFFEE IN 10 MINUTES, ELIZABETH.
YOU'LL STAY FOR COFFEE WON'T YOU, EMMET? UH, NO.
NO, NO, NO.
THANK YOU.
HYACINTH-- OH, WHAT A PITY.
NEVER MIND.
THERE'S STILL MY RIVERSIDE FUNCTION TO LOOK FORWARD TO.
BYE! ( hammering ) ( music playing on TV ) WHATEVER HE'S BUILDING, WHY CAN'T HE BUILD I OUTSIDE? - I'VE ASKED HIM THAT.
- WHAT DID HE SAY? HE SAYS-- OHHH! ( TV volume decreases ) HE SAYS HE CAN'T BUILD I OUTSIDE BECAUSE IT'S A SECRET.
HOW CAN HE KEEP IT SECRE IF EVERYBODY SEES IT OUTSIDE? ( hammering ) WHO'S GOING TO CLEAN HIS BEDROOM WHEN HE'S FINISHED? I CLEANED IT LAST TIME.
IT WASN'T FULL OF SAWDUST, THOUGH, WAS IT? LOOK, I DON'T MIND DUSTING, BUT I THINK THA SAWDUST IS A MAN'S JOB.
NOT IN THIS HOUSE, IT ISN'T.
WELL DONE, VICAR, THAT'S VERY TIDY.
OH! WHAT A NEAT KNOT.
OH, DO BE CAREFUL WITH MY CUSTOM-MADE PLASTIC PICNIC-WARE, RICHARD.
WHERE DO YOU WANT IT? INSIDE THE CAR, I THINK.
- HYACINTH - YES, DEAR? COULD YOU OPEN THE DOOR, PLEASE? JUST A MINUTE, DEAR, I'M CHECKING.
RICHARD, LET ME.
- THERE YOU ARE.
- THANKS.
YES, DEAR? WHAT WAS IT? IT DOESN' MATTER NOW.
NOW WHERE ARE THE PRAWNS? WHERE ARE THE PRAWNS?! THE PRAWNS ARE HERE.
THE PRAWNS ARE TYING THE FURNITURE TO THE ROOF.
BE QUIET, EMMET, SHE'LL HEAR YOU.
IF SHE DOES, IT'LL BE FOR THE FIRST TIME.
SHE NEVER LISTENS.
VICAR, I BELIEVE YOU HAVE THE PRAWNS.
I HAVE? DO BE CAREFUL WITH THEM.
THEY'RE SELECT NORWEGIAN.
DON'T SAY IT.
DON'T WORRY ABOU THOSE FOR A MOMENT, RICHARD.
WE'LL WAIT FOR MY SISTER VIOLET'S MERCEDES.
SHE'LL HAVE AMPLE ROOM FOR A TABLE OR TWO.
AFTER ALL, SHE DOES HAVE ROOM FOR A PONY.
VIOLET, WHERE ARE YOU, DEAR? YOU'RE LATE.
YES, WELL, WE'RE ALL READY.
MMM.
I THOUGH YOU COULD HELP US WITH THE TABLES.
IT'S MY SISTER VIOLET.
SHE'S THE ONE WITH THE MERCEDES, SAUNA AND A MUSICAL BIDET.
CLASSICAL, OF COURSE.
NOW, WHY IS BRUCE HAVING A LIE DOWN? WELL, WAKE HIM UP.
GET HIM UP.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE CAN'T STAND UP? VIOLET, IF HE HAS DRUNK ALL YOUR SHERRY, DEAR, IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.
GET A FRIEND TO DRIVE YOU.
IN THE SAME INCOME BRACKET, OF COURSE.
WE'LL MEET YOU AT THE RIVER, NEXT TO THE BOATYARD.
WHAT A WASTE OF SHERRY.
ALL THE TRIFLES SHE COULD HAVE MADE.
- Emmet: OH! - NO, IT CAN' GO FURTHER BACK BECAUSE-- I'M SO GLAD SOMEONE'S GO ROOM FOR A PONY.
( laughing ) ISN'T SHE A LITTLE OVERDRESSED? IT'S ONLY A PICNIC.
IS EVERYBODY READY THEN? ISN'T THIS THRILLING? WHY DID YOU PUT HER IN MY PARISH? DRIVE CAREFULLY, RICHARD.
REMEMBER-- UPON YOU DEPENDS THE SAFETY OF MY SELEC NORWEGIAN PRAWNS.
Hyacinth: IT'S MUCH BUMPIER THAN WHEN WE WERE HERE A FEW DAYS AGO.
ARE YOU CONCENTRATING, RICHARD? IT'S NOT ME, IT'S THE POTHOLES.
WELL, MIND THE POTHOLES.
MINDING THE POTHOLES! MY HAT, RICHARD.
STOP THE CAR.
- CAREFUL-- - AHH! ( tires screeching ) OHH, OWW! NOW I'LL FIND US A SMOOTHER WAY.
OH, LIZ, WHAT A TEMPTATION THAT MUST BE.
OH, LOOK, THE RIVER'S OVER THERE.
COME ALONG.
I'LL DRIVE YOU ANYTIME, VIOLET.
AS LONG AS I DON' HAVE TO WEAR A SUI AND A CAP.
YOU'D LOOK GREA IN A SUIT AND CAP.
I'M MORE YOUR CASUAL DRESSER.
MAXIMUM CHIC FOR ME IS MORE YOUR LAID BACK, SLOBBY LOOK.
SHUT THE GATE! I CAN THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE I'D LIKE TO SHUT.
IT'S JUST ROUND THE NEXT BEND.
A LOVELY SECLUDED SPOT, YOU'LL SEE.
( panting ) WELL WORTH THE EFFORT.
WHEN I FIRST SAW IT, I KNEW I WAS WHERE I MUST HOLD MY WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS.
OFF WE GO AGAIN.
SING IF YOU LIKE.
Hyacinth: I LOVE TO GO A WANDERING - ALONG THE RIVER BANK - WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO SING? ( mutters ) WHY MUST SHE DO ANYTHING? ( panting ) WE'RE ALMOST THERE.
YOU'LL LOVE IT.
I PROMISE YOU.
YOU'LL REALLY LOVE IT.
( engine running ) NOW WHAT? FRIENDS, I AM SORRY TO HAVE TO INFORM YOU THAT SOME HOSTILE AND INCONSIDERATE PERSON HAS SEEN FIT TO PLACE A DREDGER AT MY CHOSEN SPOT.
DON'T BE FAINT-HEARTED, I HAVE A SOLUTION.
WE SHALL GO AND COMMANDEER SOME SMALL CRAFT, THEN DRIFT AT LEISURE UNTIL WE HAPPEN UPON ANOTHER IDEAL PLACE FOR OUR WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS.
FOLLOW ME.
FOLLOW ME! I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY COULD HAVE GOT TO.
SHE SAID SHE'D MEET US HERE.
WE WEREN'T INVITED, VIOLET.
YOU WERE INVITED BY ME.
WE BROUGHT GRUB, SO WE MIGH AS WELL START OUR OWN PICNIC.
FAIR ENOUGH.
I'LL GET THE WINE FROM THE COOLER.
HAVE YOU GO FATHER'S BEER? HE CAN HAVE A BEER WHEN HE TELLS US WHA HE WAS INVENTING.
I'VE ASKED HIM, BUT HE WON' TELL ME.
NOW WE'RE NEVER GOING TO KNOW.
I HOPE I WASN'T SOMETHING THAT COULD'VE BECOME A HOUSEHOLD NAME.
LIKE YOUR ROSE.
WHY IS THERE A QUEUE, RICHARD? THIS IS A LOCK GATE.
THEY'RE WAITING TO ENTER THE LOCK.
LOCK? HAS SOMEBODY LOS THE KEY, DEAR? ( laughing ) NO.
NOW YOU MUSTN'T BE IMPATIENT.
WE SIMPLY HAVE TO WAI UNTIL IT'S OUR TURN.
NONSENSE.
OVERTAKE THEM, RICHARD.
THESE PEOPLE ARE PROBABLY ALL ON HOLIDAY.
THEY'VE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD.
WE'RE ONLY HERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
WE CAN'T BE WAITING IN QUEUES.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, HOLIDAYMAKERS.
( horn blares ) RICHARD, WHY HAVE THEY LOCKED US IN? WE'VE GOT TO WAI FOR THE WATER LEVEL TO DROP.
I CAN'T STAY HERE AND WAI FOR THE TIDE TO GO OUT.
IT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH THE TIDE.
THEY HAVE TO DRAIN THE WATER FROM THE LOCK.
I THINK IT'S RIDICULOUS.
WHY CAN'T WE GO STRAIGH THROUGH? BECAUSE WE'RE WAITING FOR THE LOCK-KEEPER.
THERE HE IS NOW.
SEE, HE'LL LET THE WATER OUT, AND THEN VERY SOON, THEY'LL ALLOW US THROUGH.
AHOY THERE, LOCK-KEEPER! I MUST WARN YOU THAT WE'VE SAILED ON THE QE2.
AS AN EXPERIENCED MARINER, I'M NOT PREPARED TO WAI DOWN HERE INDEFINITELY.
THERE MUST BE A QUICKER WAY TO GO.
YOU COULD TRY GOING OVER THE WEIR.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, RICHARD? SHALL WE TRY GOING OVER THE WEIR? WE WON' BE LONG NOW.
WE'LL PROBABLY FIND SOMEWHERE JUST ROUND THE NEXT CORNER.
THAT'S WHA SHE KEEPS SAYING.
PASS IT ON.
( mimics Hyacinth ) WON'T BE LONG NOW! - WE'LL PROBABLY-- - EMMETT! IF YOU'RE NAUGHTY, SHE WON'T ASK YOU AGAIN.
( mimics Hyacinth ) WE'LL PROBABLY FIND I JUST ROUND THE NEXT CORNER.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? ASK ME LATER.
AT THE MOMENT I HAVEN'T GO THE ENERGY TO CHECK.
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU WATCH THE BOAT RACE, THEY SEEM TO GO QUITE FAST.
THERE ARE EIGHT OF THEM.
OH, YES.
I SUPPOSE THAT MUS MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
AND THEY DON'T CARRY PASSENGERS AND A SIX-COURSE BANQUET.
ARE YOU STARTING TO FLAG, RICHARD? JUST A LITTLE.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO TAKE OVER? NO, SOMEHOW I DON'T THINK THAT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA, HYACINTH.
THEY HAVE LADY ROWERS IN THE OLYMPICS.
WE'RE NOT IN THE OLYMPICS.
IT JUST FEELS AS IF WE ARE.
WELL, AT LEAST LET ME SHARE THE BURDEN.
OH, LOOK! - WHAT'S SHE DOING? - I DON'T KNOW.
SHE'S GOING TO HELP HIM.
I WONDER IF RICHARD SEES IT THAT WAY.
- I HOPE WE'LL BE ABLE TO KEEP UP.
- OH, DEAR.
NOW DO WE DO IT TOGETHER, OR TAKE IT IN TURNS? - NOW, HYACINTH-- - NO, THERE'S NO TIME TO DISCUSS IT, DEAR.
YOU STAR AND I'LL COPY YOU.
WELL, WATCH.
( chuckles ) THERE! IT'S NOT VERY DIFFICULT WHEN YOU KNOW HOW.
SHE'S DOING QUITE WELL.
COME ON, KEEP UP, EMMET! DON'T YOU START.
THIS IS REALLY FUN, ISN'T IT, RICHARD? EMMET, LOOK! ( laughing ) THANK YOU, LORD.
WE HAVEN'T HAD THE PICNIC, BUT I MUST SAY I ENJOYED THE RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS.
OH, THERE'S THAT DISHY EMMET.
HI, LIZ.
- ONSLOW! HELLO, DAISY, ROSE.
- HELLO, DAISY! OH, THERE'S THAT DISHY VICAR.
EVENING, VICAR.
HELLO, ONSLOW.
SORRY WE CAN'T STOP.
THEY'VE THROWN HER IN.
I BET SOMEBODY'S JUST SNAPPED.
JUST LOOK AT THA STIFF UPPER LIP.
YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIRE THAT STIFF UPPER LIP.
( theme music playing )