Keeping Up Appearances s05e09 Episode Script

The Rolls Royce

( theme music playing ) IT'S ABSOLUTELY SCANDALOUS.
MY FREESTYLE FLORAL DECORATION FOR A TABLE CENTERPIECE DESERVED A FIRST PRIZE.
EVERYBODY SAID SO.
WELL, YOU GO A SECOND.
( mutters ) AND TO GIVE FIRST PRIZE TO LYDIA HAWKSWORTH! OF ALL PEOPLE! BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.
IT WAS JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS, HYACINTH.
ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT DIDN'T DESERVE A FIRST PRIZE.
IT'S NO THAT I MIND LOSING, IT'S JUST THAT I HATE THE THOUGHT OF FIRST PRIZE BEING GIVEN TO SOMEBODY WHO'LL MAKE SUCH A MEAL OF IT.
WE'LL NEVER HEAR THE LAST OF IT.
IF THEY'D GIVEN IT TO ME, MY NATURAL MODESTY WOULD INSURE A MINIMUM OF FUSS, BUT TO GIVE I TO LYDIA HAWKSWORTH! YOU SAW IT, YOU WERE THERE.
WHAT DID YOU THINK? COME ALONG, RICHARD.
BE HONEST.
I HATED IT.
I'M GLAD WE'RE OF THE SAME OPINION.
I KNOW WHEN TO HATE SOMETHING OR NOT.
THE WOMAN HAS NO TASTE.
AND AS FOR THE JUDGES! WHERE DID THEY FIND THESE JUDGES? MUST BE THE SAME IDIOTS THAT KEEP LETTING PEOPLE OFF SERIOUS CRIME.
LYDIA HAWKSWORTH! SHE WAS QUITE OBJECTIONABLE AT ONE OF MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
YOU SHOULD REMEMBER.
YOU WERE THERE.
SHE HAD THE IMPUDENCE TO SAY IN A LOUD VOICE: "I THINK KIWI FRUI ARE SO LOWER MIDDLE CLASS, DON'T YOU?" - OH, THAT ONE! - YES, THAT ONE.
AND ALL SHE COULD TALK ABOU THE WHOLE EVENING, WAS THEIR HOLIDAY IN CORFU.
I REMEMBER NOW, AND IN SELF-DEFENSE, YOU GAVE HER THE IMPRESSION THAT WE'D BEEN TO SOUTH AFRICA.
WE'VE BEEN ABROAD.
WE'VE BEEN TO JERSEY.
I WILL NOT HAVE THAT WOMAN PUTTING MY NOSE OUT OF JOINT.
LOOK, THERE SHE IS NOW, DRIVING LIKE A LUNATIC! IN A NEW CAR.
WAS IT A NEW CAR? ACCORDING TO THE REGISTRATION, IT IS.
TSK-- TYPICAL! ( door slams ) WAS THA THE FRONT DOOR? PROBABLY.
IT SOUNDED LIKE SOMEBODY GOING OUT.
PROBABLY.
IT CAN'T HAVE BEEN OUR ROSE, OUR ROSE WOULD HAVE SAID IF SHE WAS GOING OUT.
YOU DON'T THINK IT'S FATHER GOING OU AT THIS HOUR? PROBABLY.
AN OLD MAN SHOULDN' BE WANDERING OU AT THIS HOUR.
YOU'RE JUS GONNA SIT THERE? PROBABLY.
Daisy: NOW, COME ON BACK IN, DADDY.
COME ON! UP YOU GO, BACK UP TO BED.
I'LL BRING YOU SOME COCOA.
WE'LL GO OU TOMORROW.
HE WANTED TO GO OU SOMEWHERE.
I TOLD HIM WE'D TAKE HIM TOMORROW.
AND IF YOU SAY "PROBABLY" ONCE MORE, I'LL HIT YOU WITH MY LIBRARY BOOK.
CAN YOU MAKE THA TWO COCOAS? PROBABLY.
I'VE BEEN SO HUMILIATED.
- WHEN? - TODAY.
SECOND PRIZE FOR MY-- FREESTYLE FLORAL TABLE CENTERPIECE, BEATEN BY LYDIA HAWKSWORTH! AND THEN TO BE OVERTAKEN BY HER IN HER NEW CAR! HYACINTH, WE DON'T NEED A NEW CAR.
THE ONE WE HAVE RUNS VERY WELL, NOT THAT MANY MILES ON THE CLOCK.
IT'S JUST DECENTLY RUN IN, REALLY.
RICHARD, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, DEAR? WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A NEW CAR? GOODNESS ME! I MUST SAY, RICHARD.
YOU KEEP THAT VEHICLE IMMACULATE.
- LOUDER, PLEASE, LIZ.
- LOOKS LIKE A NEW CAR.
I WISH YOU'D KEEP REPEATING THAT, AGAIN AND AGAIN.
WHY IS THAT, RICHARD? I RATHER SUSPEC HYACINTH HAS FIXED HER SIGHTS ON SOMETHING NEW.
OH, DEAR.
STILL, SHE CAN'T DENY HOW SMART THAT ONE STILL LOOKS.
THANK YOU.
RICHARD, WHY ARE YOU POLISHING THIS OLD THING? GOOD MORNING, ELIZABETH.
GOOD MORNING, HY-- OH DEAR.
YOU BETTER GET A MOVE ON.
FATHER'S READY.
READY FOR WHAT? FOR GOING OUT.
YOU SAID LAST NIGHT, YOU'D TAKE HIM OUT.
WE DIDN'T MEAN AT THE CRACK OF DAWN.
OH, COME ON.
IT'S TIME YOU WERE UP, ANYWAY.
AND HE'S SITTING THERE IN HIS BEST SUIT.
AND WHY'S ONSLOW READING "THE FINANCIAL TIMES"? I LIKE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THE ECONOMY.
A BLOKE IN MY POSITION HAS TO WONDER HOW LONG THE COUNTRY CAN AFFORD HIM.
IF WE DON'T GE THE ECONOMY RIGHT, PEOPLE LIKE ME ARE GONNA BE IN TROUBLE.
IT'S THE DUTY OF ALL OF US TO BE CONCERNED ABOU THE SHRINKING POUND.
AND WHEN I MARRIED HIM, I THOUGHT HE WAS JUST A SEX SYMBOL.
TURN RIGH HERE, DEAR.
FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING, YOU SEEM TO KNOW JUST WHERE WE'RE GOING.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO IRON THIS SHIRT, DAISE.
CAN'T YOU FIND ANOTHER? I CAN, BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WASH AND IRON THAT ONE.
NO CONTEST.
BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO WAI TILL I'VE IRONED THIS BLOUSE.
( TV plays ) OH GOOD, YOU GOT THE IRON OUT.
COULD YOU IRON MY FROCK, PLEASE, DAISE? I GOTTA DO HIS SHIRT FIRST.
WE'RE ONLY TAKING FATHER OUT, WHAT DOES HE WAN HIS SHIRT IRONED FOR? BECAUSE IT WAS ON THE FLOOR IN THE WARDROBE.
SO WAS I LAST CHRISTMAS.
GUESS IT WAS THAT MR.
BLENKINSOPP.
I'VE NEVER KNOWN ANYBODY GET SO WOUND UP ON BRITISH SHERRY.
WHERE DOES FATHER WANTS TO GO, ANYWAY? - I DON'T KNOW, HE HASN'T SAID.
- GO AND ASK HIM.
WE OUGHT TO KNOW WHAT WE'RE ALL BEING IRONED FOR.
HOW LONG DID SHE HAVE HER MR.
BLENKINSOPP IN THE WARDROBE? I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T GO PRYING INTO WHAT SHE'S GO IN HER WARDROBE.
YOU WOULD IF HER STUFF FITTED YOU.
I KNOW, SHE'S GO SOME LOVELY THINGS.
WELL, WHERE DOES HE WANT TO GO? AFRICA! WE'RE ONLY GOING OU FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.
I TOLD HIM THA BUT HE STILL WANTS AFRICA.
WELL, WHEN WE GET THERE, TELL HIM IT'S AFRICA.
HE WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
HYACINTH WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE? I ASKED YOU TO PULL IN FOR A MOMENT, BECAUSE I FELT FAINT.
NOW THAT WE ARE HERE, LOOKING AT THESE PRICES, I FEEL FAINT.
PLEASE DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, DEAR.
I'M STARTING TO FEEL BETTER ALREADY.
A FEW MINUTES OUT OF THE CAR AND I'LL BE FINE.
I THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING BEHIND THIS SUDDEN URGE TO GO FOR A DRIVE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
YOU KNEW WHERE WE WERE GOING ALL THE TIME.
NONSENSE.
I MERELY THOUGHT WE MIGHT AS WELL POP IN AND HAVE A LOOK WHILE WE WERE PASSING.
AND YOU MADE SURE WE WERE PASSING.
IT LOOKS A VERY RESPECTABLE GARAGE.
IT LOOKS A VERY EXPENSIVE GARAGE.
HYACINTH! I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET CARRIED AWAY.
( gasps ) LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL MACHINE.
SEE WHAT I MEAN? HYACINTH, IF WE'RE THINKING ABOUT A NEW CAR, WE SHOULD BE LOOKING AT SMALL, ECONOMICAL FAMILY SALOONS.
PREFERABLY WITH ONE PREVIOUS OWNER.
YOU'RE QUITE WRONG, RICHARD.
WHAT THIS FAMILY NEEDS IS SOMETHING BIGGER.
HOW MUCH BIGGER? WELL BIGGER THAN LYDIA HAWKSWORTH'S.
WHERE'S YOUR FATHER GOT TO NOW? HE'S COMING.
HE'S COMING.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE WAS READY, OUR ROSE.
HE WAS READY.
HE WAS READY BEFORE YOU GOT UP.
WHERE IS HE, THEN? ( honking ) DON'T BE SO IMPETUOUS.
WELL NOT TILL LATER, ANYWAY.
I'LL GO AND GET HIM.
NO WONDER THIS SHIR WAS ON THE FLOOR.
THE ONLY PLACE IT FITS IS ON THE FLOOR.
- WHERE IS HE? - HE'S COMING, HE'S COMING.
"TELL HIM IT'S AFRICA.
HE WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
" I THINK HE LOOKS VERY SMART FOR HIS AGE.
JUST AS LONG AS HE'S CAREFUL WITH THAT HAT.
IT WAS ONCE FULL OF LONELY AUSTRALIA.
HYACINTH, WOULD YOU COME AWAY FROM THAT CAR? IT'S NOT IN OUR LEAGUE.
OH, RICHARD! YOU SHOULD FEEL THE PAINTWORK.
HYACINTH, WE'RE GOING.
- I'M ONLY LOOKING.
- WELL, I DON'T LIKE IT.
HOW COULD YOU NOT LIKE IT? I DON'T MEAN THE CAR.
I MEAN THE LOOKING.
( deep sniff ) OH, SMELL THAT UPHOLSTERY! HYACINTH, WILL YOU COME AWAY FROM THERE BEFORE SOMEBODY SEES US? I'M DOING NO HARM.
I'M JUST ADMIRING THE QUALITY.
I HOPE WHEN SOMEBODY COMES THAT YOU'LL TELL THEM THAT.
I WILL I'LL TELL THEM JUST THAT.
I MEAN IT.
THE MINUTE SOMEBODY COMES, TELL THEM WE'RE NO SERIOUSLY INTERESTED, YOU'RE ADMIRING THE QUALITY.
I WILL, DEAR.
I WILL, I WILL, I WILL.
BECAUSE WE'RE NO SERIOUSLY INTERESTED.
OF COURSE WE'RE NO SERIOUSLY INTERESTED.
HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY BE SERIOUSLY INTERESTED? EXACTLY, SO YOU JUST TELL THEM THAT.
I'M NOT A FOOL, RICHARD.
GOOD MORNING, MADAM.
ARE YOU INTERESTED IN THIS BEAUTIFUL MACHINE? YES I AM, ACTUALLY.
Onslow: WILL YOU KEEP YOUR FATHER STILL IN THE BACK? WHAT'S HE JUMPING ABOUT FOR? - Rose: HE'S EXCITED.
- WHAT'S TO GET EXCITED ABOUT? OF COURSE, HE'S EXCITED, IT'S THE FIRST TIME HE'S BEEN TO AFRICA.
NOT THAT ROLLS-ROYCE'S OWNERS SPEND MUCH TIME UNDER THE BONNET, BUT YOU MUST ADMIT, IT'S WORTH A LOOK.
OH, RICHARD.
LOOK AT IT PROPERLY, DEAR.
I AM LOOKING AT IT PROPERLY-- AS PROPERLY AS I DARE.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL INTERIOR.
OH, AND A LITTLE LIGH ABOVE THE VANITY MIRROR.
HAVE YOU ANY PARTICULAR QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS MODEL? NO, THANK YOU.
I THINK THAT I'VE SEEN ALL I NEED TO SEE.
OF COURSE, THE ULTIMATE ROLLS EXPERIENCE IS IN THE DRIVING, YOU HAVE TO SAMPLE THE SHEER SUMPTUOUSNESS OF THE RIDE.
OH, I THINK MY HUSBAND WOULD LIKE TO EXPERIENCE THE SHEER SUMPTUOUSNESS OF THE RIDE.
RIGHT.
I'LL GET THE KEYS, AND WE'LL TAKE HER FOR A DRIVE.
- N-NO.
- YES! THAT WOULD BE IDEAL.
RIGHT, I'LL HAVE THE CAR MOVED OUTSIDE.
TELL HIM HE HASN'T SEEN ONE.
TELL HIM HE CAN'T HAVE SEEN ONE.
OH, LET HIM THINK HE'S SEEN ONE IF HE WANTS.
HE WANTS TO GET OU FOR A CLOSER LOOK.
GO WITH HIM, ONSLOW.
TAKE HIM FOR A CLOSER LOOK.
AT WHAT? THERE'S NOTHING THERE.
FATHER SAID THERE WAS.
HE SAW IT DISTINCTLY.
( groaning ) MIND HOW YOU GO.
WHEN WE GET HOME, IF YOU TELL ANYBODY THAT I WAS IN THE WOODS WITH YOUR FATHER-- LOOKING FOR AN ELEPHANT-- OH, COME ON, HUMOR HIM! I'M COMING, I'M COMING! ( laughing ) OH, RICHARD! I'M SO LOOKING FORWARD TO OUR SUMPTUOUS RIDE.
DO YOU REALIZE THAT IF I SCRATCH IT WHY SHOULD YOU SCRATCH IT, DEAR? I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO SCRATCH IT.
WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS AND IT GETS SCRATCHED, AND IT NEEDS A RESPRAY? WE'LL HAVE TO RE-MORTGAGE THE HOUSE.
OH, RICHARD! YOU WILL NOT SCRATCH OUR ROLLS-ROYCE.
I DIDN'T HEAR THAT.
I DIDN'T HEAR THAT PROPERLY.
YOU DIDN'T CALL THIS CAR "OUR" ROLLS-ROYCE? WELL, FOR A WHILE THIS MORNING, IT IS.
OH, COME ON! THANK YOU.
SHALL WE GO? TELEPHONE, MR.
HUNT.
OH, THANK YOU.
I'M SORRY, THIS MAY BE AN IMPORTANT CALL THAT I'M EXPECTING.
I WON'T BE A MOMENT, THEN WE CAN TAKE HER FOR A DRIVE.
YES.
IN THE MEANTIME, SIT DOWN AND GET THE FEEL OF HER.
COME ON, RICHARD.
YOU HEARD WHAT HE SAID.
GET IN, DEAR.
OH, WHAT A LOVELY SEAT BELT.
FEEL THE QUALITY OF THAT, RICHARD.
VERY NICE.
COME ON DEAR, PUT YOURS ON.
WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
WE WILL BE WHEN HE COMES BACK.
WHILST WE'RE WAITING, START THE ENGINE.
I WANT TO BE ABLE NOT TO HEAR THE ENGINE.
( engine starts softly ) JUST DRIVE A LITTLE WAY FORWARD.
DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD? HE SAID TO "GE THE FEEL OF HER.
" I'M NOT USED TO THIS GEARBOX.
OH, RICHARD! NO WONDER YOU NEVER FINISH THE TIMES' CROSSWORD.
( tires squeal ) SEE? THAT WASN' DIFFICULT, WAS IT? THIS TIME, TRY GOING FORWARD.
JUST A LITTLE FASTER, RICHARD.
WELL, YOU MAY AS WELL KEEP GOING NOW.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO WAIT FOR HIM.
I WAS GETTING TIRED OF WAITING FOR HIM.
DRIVE ON, RICHARD! NO, I'M GOING TO REVERSE.
I DON'T THINK YOU CAN.
IT'S A ONE-WAY STREET.
( honking ) - ( honking continues ) - YOU'LL HAVE TO GO ROUND THE BLOCK.
( honking ) ( tires squeal ) MIND THE PEDESTRIAN! YOU SHOULDN' KNOCK THEM DOWN, RICHARD.
EVEN IN A ROLLS.
RICHARD, SURELY IT GOES QUICKER THAN THIS.
NOT WITH ME DRIVING, IT DOESN'T.
WE'RE BEING OVERTAKEN BY EVERYTHING.
WHAT DOES IT MATTER IF WE'RE BEING PASSED BY A FEW OTHER VEHICLES? WHERE'S THE NEXT LEFT? IT'S COMING UP.
OH DEAR.
IT'S A NO-ENTRY.
JUST KEEP GOING FOR THE MOMENT.
WE MAY FIND OURSELVES SOMEWHERE WITH RATHER LESS TRAFFIC.
Hyacinth: THERE'S NO TRAFFIC HERE.
NOW YOU CAN LET HER RIP! RICHARD, I DON' CALL THIS A RIP, DEAR.
IT'S NOT EVEN HALF A RIP.
JUST ENJOY THE SCENERY.
TAKE THE FIRST RIGHT, DEAR.
BUT WHERE ARE WE GOING? NOWHERE IN PARTICULAR.
AND THEN, THE SECOND LEFT.
PULL INTO THE HOTEL.
WE'VE GO TO GET THIS CAR BACK TO THE SHOWROOM.
I'M SURE WE'VE TIME FOR A COFFEE, RICHARD.
BUT THEY COULD THINK WE'VE STOLEN IT.
NONSENSE.
YOU CAN'T BUY A ROLLS-ROYCE IN FIVE MINUTES.
WE'RE NOT BUYING A ROLLS-ROYCE! BUT THEY DON' KNOW THAT, DEAR.
KEEP GOING.
PARK IT SOMEWHERE WHERE THEY CAN SEE US FROM THE WINDOWS.