Kevin Can Wait (2016) s02e01 Episode Script

Civil Ceremony

1 All right, kids, let's go.
Bowls in the sink, come on.
Dad, you have to put something healthy in there.
Look, there's beef jerky.
Chock full of protein, and it'll keep them out of the dating pool for a few years.
No, you have to give them fruit.
- No, he doesn't.
- Yeah, don't let her control you, Dad.
She's right, all right? Nobody likes a bully.
Come on.
Okay, no problem.
Um - Who are we? - BOTH: Gables! - What are we? - Leaders! - Who's got it better than us? - Nobody! And what are we late for? The bus if we don't get moving.
Now go.
Good morning.
Oh, shoot.
Did I miss the "who are we" chant? KEVIN: Oh Chale, technically, you're not a Gable.
So when you chime in, it kind of weirds me out.
I just get caught up in it.
It is inspiring.
Oh, here.
You got some mail.
Oh, Chale mail.
Junk - You gotta be kidding me.
- Not again.
What is it? It's from your mom's gym.
It's a postcard.
"Haven't seen you.
We miss you.
" You know what? So do I.
Okay, you know what? Give me that.
I will call them right now.
It's been over a year since she died.
They shouldn't still be sending this.
That's right, right? Thank you.
Oh, but don't throw that out.
On the bottom there's a coupon for a kung fu lesson.
I wanna go to it.
- Oh, no.
- What? What's the matter? [STAMMERS] My visa has expired.
It states here I could get deported.
Well, you keep in touch.
Dad, come on.
This is serious.
Let me see that.
It makes no sense.
I-I filled out all the proper paperwork.
You know, you gotta stay on top of those things if you wanna be a citizen.
I mean, you could say a lot about Americans, but we're not lazy, you know? I have seen you watch "Ray Donovan" in Spanish because the remote was sitting on top of the TV.
Yeah, and now I know how to say "Get my gun" in Español.
Dame mi pistolas.
Okay, wait, Dad, you sent in Chale's sponsor form, right? Remember? I told you how important that was? Yes, you told me, and I sent it in.
- You're sure? - I'm positive.
I have my own system.
I take all the important paperwork, I put it right in this drawer, and then, once a week, I mail it out.
It's still in there, isn't it? It's not a perfect system.
I am not your ordinary guy Dad, what are we gonna do? Chale's gonna get deported.
I can't come back in this country for three "yahs.
" Three "yahs"! How many "yahs"? I'd have to move back to Bungleton.
I I'm getting a stomachache.
No, it's gonna be all right, okay? We will be together no matter what.
I will move to England.
Oh, actually, you'd love Bungleton.
It's out in the countryside.
There's chickens roaming free, fresh eggs every morning.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Nobody's going to Bungleton, all right? And nobody's eating eggs.
You're staying right here on Long Island, where we keep the chickens in some kind of camp piled up on top of each other.
Yeah, well, how are we supposed to do that? You didn't file the paperwork.
Yeah, I know.
I made a mistake, all right? But I will fix it.
- And you know why? - Because we're the Gables! No.
Because I have a connection to someone down at Immigration, and I'll take care of it, okay? - Thanks, Dad.
- Yes.
Look, it's all gonna work out.
Because we are the Gables.
- Seriously, dude.
- You gotta stop that.
Cellucci, over here.
How you doin'? Everything okay? Yes, yeah.
I'm doin' great.
Okay, good.
Well, look at you with the beard.
- Yeah, it looks good, right? - [LAUGHS] No.
You know who you look like? You look like the guy oh, God, what's his name? I can see his face.
Come on, you know the guy from the, um ah! - Hugh Jackman? - No.
By the way, I wouldn't think you looked like Hugh Jackman if you had claws shooting out of your knuckles.
All right.
So what's up? What can I do? [SIGHS] Kendra's fiancé has a bit of an immigration problem.
And I remember when we were on the force together, you dated a guy, I think he worked at INS, am I right? No.
Pretty sure you did.
Okay I dated a manager from CVS, but no INS.
Are you sure? 'Cause first, you dated a lot, and I just had the feeling that there was an immigration guy - sprinkled in there.
- Okay! I think I would remember who I date.
Oh, Robert.
Actually, you're right, you're right.
Yeah, see? Yes.
I remember.
Yes, yes.
Can you do me a favor and call him? Oh, call him [INHALES SHARPLY] Oh, what happened? Um, this one was not me.
This was all him.
We would go to the Outback Steakhouse and he would order with a bad Australian accent.
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT] "I'll take the Bloomin' Onion, mate!" You're you're broken.
You are so broken.
All right, well, I gotta figure out something, otherwise Kendra's gonna be movin' to England.
Okay, you know what? I have been blowing this guy off for three years, but for you, I will call him.
[GASPS] Oh! I just figured out who you look like! - Who? - Pavarotti! [EXHALES DEEPLY] Do you think he really went to the bathroom or is he secretly running a background check on me? Well, he had a key attached to a giant wooden paddle, so I'm guessing bathroom.
Just stay calm.
Vanessa talked to the guy.
- It's gonna be fine.
- Not a problem.
Uh, by the way, Vanessa Cellucci says hello.
Oh, Vanessa.
We spoke on the phone.
Can you believe she spent three years helping kids overseas? She's a real saint, that one.
We're, uh, we're supposed to go to dinner tonight.
Hey, I hear she loves that Outback Steakhouse, huh? [AUSTRALIAN ACCENT] Already made the reservation, mate.
- [LAUGHING] - Now [CLEARS THROAT] Let me see if I can provide some assistance in this matter, Mr.
Witt? Yes, Chale Eugene Witt.
Okay, I just need to verify some information.
Are you still living at 2257 Seville Lane? Yes.
Yes, we are.
Wait a minute, you you live together? No, he he lives in my garage.
Oh, well, it's listed here as an apartment.
Is this a legal residence? Legal? Uh, you know, as far as the permits and stuff, I kinda wanted to fly under the radar.
But it is up to code? Yes, yeah, definitely up to code.
It's my code, but it's up there.
Yeah, same address.
We're at the same Okay, then he pays rent? [LAUGHING] In your dreams.
[CLEARS THROAT] Why why is that funny, Mr.
Gable? Oh, I'm sorry, it's just an inside joke we have 'cause he's usually unemployed.
Oh, well, it says here that you are employed.
Well, I was.
I was working for a tech startup.
Okay, and how long were you there? Let's see October, November I was there for a week and a half.
You know, I have some, uh, some concerns.
Since you are a friend of Vanessa's, I think we can extend your visa.
- [CHUCKLING] - [GASPS] That's that's a great call right there, you know.
It's not like he's a terrorist or something.
You're not are you, you little terrorist? [LAUGHS] You little terrorist.
So we, uh, do we sign something, or just we can go? We're free to go, right? I think we get out of here, wanna get some ice cream? Mr.
Gable, I did not bring up terrorism.
Is there a reason you did? N-no.
No, I was saying he's not a terrorist.
- He's harmless.
I mean, he - [EXHALES DEEPLY] He spends all day in my garage, right? Working out those little formulas on his crazy little white board.
Gable, please stop talking! I'll stop talking.
In 36 hours, they can kick me out of the country.
There's nothing I can do about it.
Hey, on the positive, it's nice to know our government takes immigration pretty seriously.
I will take comfort in that thought on the barge ride back to England.
Well, what if we get married, you know? - That'll make you a citizen.
- By tomorrow? Yeah.
Chale, I love you, okay? We can just run down to city hall and do it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a sec.
- I realize part of this is my fault.
- Part? Okay, let's not point fingers, all right? But don't you want to get married the way we always talked about? Right? The church, Father Philip, your mother's dress? Yeah, of course, but, I mean, how are we gonna pull that off by tomorrow night? [SCOFFS] We have a whole day.
All right? Look, this wedding is happening.
I'm not losing my daughter, all right? You wanna know why? We're the Gables.
We're the oh, crap.
I missed it again! No, I need the flowers today.
It's my wedding.
I know it's last minute, but is there anything you can do? Hey.
What's going on? I heard you're changing the wedding plans without consulting the best man? There are rules, missy.
No, no, no, please, please don't put me on hold.
Oh, crap.
I had the whole thing planned.
Okay, Uncle Kyle, I really can't do this right now.
- [SIGHS] - I had the whole thing planned.
Kyle, I can't do this right now either, all right? Just go to work and I'll tell you what's happening, okay? All right, fine, but don't call me the best man, all right? Call me "the nobody ever tells me anything" man.
- [DOOR CLOSES] - All right, I got a church lined up.
The only problem is, Father Philip is out in Patchogue, so I'm gonna swing out there and pick him up.
What? No, why can't you just call him? He's on some kind of retreat, and they I guess no phones.
[SIGHS] Hey.
How did you mess up at Immigration? I had to eat two Bloomin' Onions! It got away from me, but it's all right.
Change in plans, they're getting married.
But Dad, my dress doesn't fit and we have no flowers.
I don't know how we're going to pull this off by tonight.
Honey, please, do not get upset.
In fact, I think you should get ready to smile.
Because when I get back here, I'll fix your dress.
I'll take care of everything.
All right, do you want your hair blown out? I'll blow it out.
I'll blow 'em all out.
I'm gonna go crazy.
I'll pluck your eyebrows.
I'll pluck the crap out of them.
I promise.
You're gonna be fine.
I'll paint your nails.
I'll put little Met symbols on there.
We're gonna be good.
You're gonna love it.
I think I'm gonna cry.
Me, too.
It's gonna be an emotional day.
- I think I'm happy about it.
- Okay, no.
Stop all this.
Stop all this nonsense, okay? I will take care of this.
You've already screwed this up enough.
So you just get the priest, and I'll handle the rest.
- Go, go.
- [SIGHS] Am I still blowing out your hair, or is she gonna Go! ["THE BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC" PLAYING] [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] What kind of retreat is this? Goody? Goody, I see you.
What are you doing here? It's a Civil War re-enactment, and my name's not Goody.
Around here, I'm Private Lando Calrissian.
Yeah, we get to pick our own names.
I never knew you were a fan of the Civil War.
Every black man's a fan of the Civil War.
What are you doing here? I gotta find Father Philip.
Oh, this year, he's fighting for the South.
He's over in the command tent next to the meat smoker.
The Confederates get brisket.
Must be nice! [BANJO PLAYING, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] Philip? Afraid you have me confused, son.
I got an emergency, all right? Kendra and Chale they need to get married today, or Chale's gonna be deported.
You gotta come with me.
Oh, you're killing me.
I'm finally a general! I've been waiting 21 years for this.
I get it.
Donna always wanted you to be the one to marry them, just like you married us.
This is my dream! Look, everybody has a dream, right? But you are in a field behind a Home Depot with a glue-on beard, so Let me address my men.
Great, great.
Thank you very much.
How long is that gonna take? Well, historically, I gotta give a speech, and he gets shot by friendly-fire, and then he gets an infection, dies a horrible death.
Love it.
Go to town.
Thank you, sweetie.
Okay, flowers done, dress done.
Oh! I almost forgot.
Welcome to your bachelorette party.
All right, well, it's not exactly the one I envisioned.
But I appreciate it.
Hey, wait, do you want me to call a male dancer? I have a fireman, a policeman, a plumber.
What's your fancy? [EXHALES] You okay? You know, we've been talking about this wedding for so long and it was always just an idea, and now it's actually happening, and I'm kind of freaking out.
Yeah, take it from someone who was supposed to be married four times well, one doesn't actually count because I wasn't technically 18 yet.
- What?! - But, uh, yes.
My point is, can you imagine yourself without What's his name? Chale.
Can you imagine your life without Chale in it? No, I can't.
Can you imagine your life with someone else? No.
Well, there you go.
Thank you for being here.
You're welcome.
Wait, did you say one of the strippers dances as a plumber? No, no, no, he is a plumber.
He just likes to take his pants off.
Come tomorrow, the sun may not shine upon our countenance, and surely, some of you will be called to embrace the greatest of mysteries.
All right, come on.
Pick it up.
And in that undying land, our great solace shall be How long does this go on for? About half an hour.
Then the ice cream truck comes.
Then we go to battle.
Half an hour? Give me this! Bang! Bang, bang, you're dead.
Come on.
Let's get going.
Relax, men.
Caught in the arm, totally superficial.
Now - [SCREAMS] - Oh, boy.
[YELLING] - No! - [CONTINUES YELLING] All right, okay.
You Kevin, you got me.
Nice one, dawg.
All right, men! The time has come for battle! - [CHEERING] - [BELL RINGING] Ooh, ice cream truck.
[CHEERING] [BELL CONTINUES RINGING] All right, Chale, it's completely normal that you're nervous.
And it's the anxiety that's giving you stomach pain.
I don't think it's that, Jack.
Well, I looked it up online, and it's either that or you've got a ruptured ovary.
All right, my dad's got Father Philip.
We got the dress, we got the flowers.
Looks like you're stuck with me.
[STRAINED VOICE] Yay, wonderful.
Oh! Sorry, darling, I'm just feeling a little bit out of sorts.
Wait, what? Okay, wait.
What's going on here? Are you are you, like, getting cold feet? It's his ovaries.
Okay, no, babe.
You need to talk to me.
Do you not wanna do this? No, of course I do.
Because if you don't, we don't have to.
No, no, no, no.
No, I look, I have always known that I wanted to marry you.
I-I knew two days before we ever met.
How is that even possible? I was in the engineering building, you were in the quad, and I followed you back to your dorm staring at the back of your head, whispering [WHISPERS] "I am gonna marry that girl.
" That's a little creepy, but so sweet.
I love you, Chale.
Hey, I love ow, ow, ow.
Aah! - What - Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Hey, what's going on? Oh, my stomach's killing me.
Aah! Let me see.
Let me see.
Does this hurt? It Yes, yeah, yeah.
You know what, baby? I don't think a wedding is gonna happen.
This might be his appendix.
- What? - We gotta take him to the hospital.
- Yes, right now.
Let's go.
- [GROANS] Ow, ow.
- Come on, I'll help you up.
- [DOORBELL RINGS] Somebody call a plumber? Surprise.
Hey, how you feelin'? Oh, a bit woozy.
What happened? You had appendicitis, and they had to do emergency surgery.
So that's it? We're we're not gonna make it.
I'm gonna get deported.
No, no, no.
It's okay, sweetheart, okay? I'm coming with you.
We're going to Bungleton.
Full disclosure, Bungleton is not as beautiful as it sounds.
We got a priest, we got a best man, - we're doing a wedding.
- Wait, what? Yeah, and I got the wedding dress.
- There you go, huh? - [DOOR CLOSES] Uh, Mr.
Gable, I don't think I can make it to the church.
I'm sorry.
Look, Father, is there any way we can marry them here? Oh, well, not in the room, but maybe they have a chapel.
Yeah, yeah, uh, give me five minutes.
Let me show you why I'm the best man.
Let's go, people.
I said gas leak.
Not kidding around.
Let's go.
Move it out.
Come on, Nana.
Slap some hot sauce on it.
Let's go.
Pick up the pace.
[SINGSONGY] Here comes the bride.
Well? Do you like it? You you look beautiful.
We we went with the hair up 'cause I thought it was a classier look.
I used to wear it like this when, uh You know what? This is not my moment.
And I just realized that.
I'll see ya at the chapel.
[DOOR CLOSES] When did this happen? It feels like just yesterday you were you were different.
- You were my little peanut, you know? - [CHUCKLES] I remember, you would fit right in here just perfectly.
And you'd fall asleep.
And I just stayed up all night until you woke up.
[EXHALES] Oh, gosh, then you got older.
And you remember that bike I got you? You know, the one with the streamers and I put that little bell on there? Then I took your training wheels off? Yeah, and then you pushed me into the street without any warning? - Can you ride a bike or not? - [LAUGHS] We're just missing one thing.
I know.
I wish Mom was here, too.
I know.
She'd be very proud of you.
All right, well, time's ticking.
Let's get you married, all right? Come on.
On two.
There we go.
- You ready? - Yeah.
["THE WEDDING MARCH" PLAYING] I'm really sorry you're not getting the wedding you always wanted.
Actually, Dad, I am.
Thank you.
You pulled it off.
[CHUCKLES] It's not perfect, but it's perfect.
Boy, Chale really needs to tie up the back of that gown.
Look, I know this isn't the reception we dreamed of, but much like the wedding, it was free.
[BUGLE PLAYING "TAPS"] None of my business, but I would've hired a DJ.
All right, gentlemen, I'm here to announce the General has died of sepsis.
Not the greatest wedding toast.
Well, look, wedding can't get any worse, right? Anyone call a plumber?