Kidding (2018) s01e04 Episode Script
Bye, Mom!
1 [MAN WITH GOOFY VOICE.]
Previously on Kidding [JEFF.]
Go, go, go! I found out what the P in "P-Hound" stands for.
Now every time I see the letter P, I think of the word "pussy.
" We are losing control of him.
We need versions of him we can control.
[SEB.]
This is the drawer of letters from women.
This one's from Akron.
You know, it's only two hours away.
Give her a call.
Buy her some cheesecake.
Married.
In six weeks, I'm gonna be dead.
[GASPING.]
Aah! [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
[BRIGHT SYNTH MUSIC.]
This job is hard.
This job's the easiest shit I've done my whole fucking life.
No, pickles make me sad now.
I see pickles, I see that dead Pickle boy on the road.
I see his family suffering.
I see pickles, I see tears.
[SCOFFS.]
Why you fucking do that? Now I see it, too.
Fuck, Sheila.
Ruining pickles and shit.
Fuck you, Sheila.
Murderer! Thank you for a lovely evening.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
Why do you feel guilty? [JEFF.]
I like you.
I like Vivian.
I don't like having feelings for two people.
- It's selfish.
- Don't feel bad.
I don't feel bad.
I feel incredible.
I feel like I've discovered the South Pole.
I don't want you to feel bad.
I don't want to hurt you.
You're never gonna not be important to me.
You're never gonna not be important to me.
Well, I think it's great, too.
Just the other night, I was thinking to myself, "Are there any ladies that I know who would be a good match for Jeff?" And literally nobody came to mind.
Thanks, Giant P.
- I thought it was Big P.
- Was it? I'm not hurt.
I'm not upset.
I'm offering you many blessings and much good luck here on your new relationship.
Don't worry.
It's just temporary.
It doesn't have to be temporary.
It does.
[WALTZ MUSIC.]
What does that mean? [DOOR CLOSES.]
[CELL PHONE BEEPING.]
[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA.]
Hello? Rex? I have a piano question.
I see your car! Are you gonna put it under your pillow this time or hide it from the Tooth Fairy? - I don't hide them.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
I lose them sometimes.
- Uh-huh.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey, Dad.
I lost my tooth in my breakfast panini.
I'm not going to work today.
I have the flu.
- [SCOTT.]
It really sucks.
- Where does it hurt? Ugh, all over my body.
I-I need to go to bed.
I need fluids.
I can't go to work today or tomorrow, maybe ever.
I do not want to be a corporate travel agent.
Why am I a corporate travel agent? Are you crying? It's the flu.
I'll make soup.
Actually, people are saying yogurt is the new soup.
I'll put up no resistance I wanna stay the distance I've got an itch to scratch I need assistance Touch-a I'm waiting for a text message.
Mm.
[JEFF.]
I wanna be dirty How much longer do you think we have? - As a species? - Mm until the roof caves in.
- [GROANS SOFTLY.]
- Till there's no this anymore.
Until Jeff can't function as host or human.
It all depends on him.
Could be weeks.
Could be months.
I can't predict the future, and I'm not good at guessing weight from a distance, but if you get close to him, you can hear the air hissing out of the balloon.
And what do I do, then? You're gonna be home alone all day with your family that screaming banshee child and let's face it, that marriage that has always had one foot on a pile of red ants.
Fuck you, red ants! Scott's the love of my life.
And Maddy she lost a tooth this morning, and I was like, "Put it under your pillow.
" And I cannot wait to get home later and find her tooth under her pillow.
Everybody wants to feel like they're a good parent.
Nobody wants to act like one.
Do me a favor and picture your brother as a mascot to your favorite Chinese softball team, huh? Would he look like this? That's traumatizing.
- He has a dick nose.
- Yeah.
It's Jeff's head for the Ice Capades.
I outsourced it to Vietnam.
It's shitty.
You can do better.
I can't replace Jeff with a Styrofoam head and then look him in the eye over osso buco.
Welcome to the world of exciting internal conflict.
Build me a Jeff, please.
I know this is gonna come as a surprise to you, but I'm not gonna be around much longer.
My father died at 68.
I'm on borrowed time.
I'd like all this to be yours someday.
Since when? If not you, who? But if we want to keep this shop open, first, we need to build another Jeff on ice.
The original is out to sea.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
I don't want to hurt anyone.
Hurt who? Jill, Will anyone.
I mean, this, for example.
[JEFF.]
What if a kid watched this, put a barrel on, attached a bedsheet to it, and tried to parachute over Niagara Falls? Chances would not be good.
We've been using that same visually arresting sequence to transition you from the real world to Pickle Barrel Falls for 30 years.
And no child has ever tried this? I promise you, we would've heard.
Mm.
Why are you questioning this now? Shaina, from Akron.
We shared the cheesecake.
A moment from this show saved her life.
If that's true, one moment from this show could take a life, if we're not careful.
It's a puppet show.
It's not a cursed monkey paw.
- Do I have texts? - I don't know.
That's a cell phone that uses AA batteries.
You want to change something? Upgrade your gizmos.
How'd things go with Shaina from Akron? - We didn't really connect.
- Oh, that's too bad.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
I met someone else, though.
Really? On the same night? Her name is Vivian.
I love that name.
She sounds gorgeous.
- Now tell me about her.
- She's younger than me.
That's fine, as long as she's not selling Do-Si-Dos outside the Kroger.
- She has a lovely smile.
- Aw, terrific.
And the doctors give her about six weeks.
Hmm.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
[WOMAN.]
Where you off to, Jimmy? Pickle Barrel Falls.
[WOMAN.]
Okay, honey, have fun.
Bye, Mom.
Here we go! [DOG BARKS.]
[ENNUI SPUTTERING.]
What are you trying to do, Ennui La Triste? Because my tongue is cheese, I cannot whistle! [CRIES.]
Quel fromage.
Come on, you stale breadstick.
Whistling is easy.
[BUBBLING.]
Mm, never mind.
Ennui, in my experience, everyone has a little tune in their heart, and if you listen closely, it always finds a way out.
[SMACKS LIPS.]
[WHISTLING.]
Now you try.
[WHISTLING.]
[ALL WHISTLING.]
And then I loved her in the pussy.
Wow.
[CHUCKLES.]
I know.
I tried texting her, but there's no response.
Didn't you say she was terminally ill? No, that's just the opinion of three doctors.
Her attitude would suggest an entirely different prognosis.
But what do I know? I'm not three doctors.
What can you do, Jeff? I hate to think that last night didn't mean anything to her.
Maybe your phone's broken.
That's why she hasn't responded.
- Did you think of that? - That's it.
You're probably right.
- [DEIRDRE.]
Mm-hmm.
- Ah.
What a dopey-dope.
- Ha! - [CHUCKLES.]
- Hi, Dad.
- Hello, my boy.
You asked when it all ends.
- I - Six weeks.
When the cancer lady he's falling for bites it, that's when he pops.
Not a lot of time, but we can get the ice show on its feet and rush the doll for Christmas.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
Will.
You back here? I could use some technical support.
[COUGHING.]
Whoa, it's you.
Your pineapple is smoking.
Yeah, I call it the Mind-dozer.
It's practically made the apple bong obsolete.
Plus, when you're done, you can chop it up and eat it, get you manganese.
Have you seen my son? [BONG DUDE.]
Just because I've seen him in a place doesn't mean he's actually in that place, you know? Meaning, he could've left that place.
Well, could you point to where you saw him last? [BONG DUDE.]
Narc-ing on an acquaintance would violate every principle I hold dear.
Hey, is it true you killed a bunch of Lebanese people when you were a sniper for the CIA? [CHUCKLES.]
What did you say? The Dark Web knows all secrets, man.
You shouldn't believe every rumor you read.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Truth is, I wouldn't know the first thing about lining up an innocent man's peach pit from 1,000 yards out pink misting him through his kitchen window.
I've never been to Lebanon or Iran, never known the thrill of sipping the Shah's contraband tequila from the cold navel of my 100th kill.
Nor can I appreciate the years of training and tenacity it would take to draw an imaginary line between my heartbeat and my trigger finger.
Never done those things.
[MARTIAL MUSIC.]
I could never take a man's life.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
But I've heard it's as easy as popping a pimple.
I think Will's over there, man.
Thanks for your help.
You're a good helper.
[WILL.]
All right, pick a card, any card.
- Should I show you? - No.
Don't don't show me.
Now, uh, sign the Bicycle side of the card.
Will? Could you come with me to the phone store? This thing is broken.
I don't know what to do.
So you you think your phone is broken because this woman you just met didn't respond? We spent a whole night together.
We told each other things you can never tell a stranger.
- We made love.
- Oh.
Um There's something wrong with this.
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Uh-huh.
Yeah, uh it looks okay to me.
Could you take in the back just to make sure? - I'd feel better.
- Sure.
Sure.
Uh, just Yeah, which account is this phone registered under? I have your name associated with two plans one ending in 4356, - another in 7864.
- Yeah, the first one.
Okay.
We will get to the bottom of this.
- Great.
- Okay.
Okay.
Hey do you think that maybe I could get a, uh a new phone, one with a, uh, alphanumeric keyboard? What do you need that for? Whose, uh whose phone number ends in 7864? What? He, uh he said that you have two numbers.
[SIGHS.]
The other number belongs to a man who hurt his back so badly that he can't work anymore, so I pay for some of his necessities, like his phone and his rent and his daughter's education.
How did he get hurt? He was driving the truck that hit you and Phil that day.
Don't you hate that guy? Hate doesn't punish who you think it does.
[MAN.]
Well, I had our best technicians take a look, and there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with the phone.
Uh Mm, that's unfortunate.
Um, look, Mr.
Pickles here's the thing.
Can I tell you what I think really happened? I-I don't think that your phone is broken.
I think that, uh, it's hers that's broken, and that's why she's not responding.
[CHUCKLES.]
That makes sense.
I knew there was a reason I brought you.
[CHUCKLES.]
He's the family computer whiz.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, that's Uh, so is there anything else I can help you with? Just that.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[SCOTT.]
Once upon a time, there was a swing in a branch and a big, fat marshmallow.
[MADDY.]
Why does the cat only eat marshmallows, Dad? Why do you think? Turn the page.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHING.]
I only see the cat! [MADDY.]
The kitty's so dismay-ded, but there's a marshmallow, and the kitty's like I'm sick.
So breathe that way.
I'm not sleeping on the fold-out.
No, I mean I'm sick, Dee Dee.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I need Oh, God, I've pictured having this conversation since I was 13, and now I don't know how to start it.
But a word that's defined me for a while has been confusion.
[SIGHS.]
[CRIES.]
[CRYING.]
Even ten words in, it already feels so cathartic [SIGHS.]
to open up about what I'm trying to say, baby.
[SNIFFLES.]
[QUIET ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.]
In the deepest part of myself I've always Name a happy child of divorce.
- What? - Name one happy child of divorce.
Can I finish what I'm trying to say? Oh the Tooth Fairy needs to find her wand.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[WHISPERING.]
Where do your teeth go? Hi, Mom.
[RASPY VOICE.]
I'm Mr.
Chompers.
Jesus! Fuck! And I eat dreams.
Nom! Nom! Nom [SPACEY MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
I'm sorry.
I don't even know how to talk to you anymore, but I want you to know that I do it all the time in my head, so it feels like I talk to you more than I do.
[DARK MUSIC.]
I'm always asking myself if I'm trying too hard.
Am I? Or not enough? I used to be so good at putting myself between you and anything that tried to hurt you, but I couldn't I couldn't put myself between you and what happened.
I I couldn't stop you losing everything.
And I don't know how to protect you anymore, and maybe I shouldn't.
Maybe that's how I help.
Have you ever seen the movie Robocop? Maybe? It's about a police officer who dies in the line of duty.
His buddies rebuild him like a robot so they can control him, but he just gets way more violent.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Just a sec.
[SIGHS.]
Hi.
I didn't know you were coming.
Welcome to my home away from home.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
What happened here? Um a lamp got broken.
And you're sleeping on a futon? Yeah, sometimes I want a bed.
Sometimes I want a couch.
It's Spartan, but it's everything I need.
Where does Will sleep? Oh, I have an inflatable mattress.
He thinks it's like a water bed, only with air.
You could be in a suite at the Four Seasons, Jeff.
I'm happy here.
What you don't see are the memories.
My first apartment short stroll right across campus.
Before I say what I'm going to say, you should know that your son was very touched by what you did.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
I didn't expect that.
We raised a good boy.
But the guilt that I felt for wanting a sixth pair of shoes Who said you couldn't have shoes? - or a car that's just fun - It's a lot of shoes.
and fast to drive You want another car? Get another car.
- or for hating the man - Get six cars one for every day of the week.
who drove a snack truck into our family, and meanwhile, you are writing checks for his rent, his utility bills? You're paying his garbage pickup? He has a daughter.
Someday she's gonna have to go to college.
[CRYING.]
We had a son, and he will never go to college! Denny hurt his back in the accident.
- Denny? - He walks with a cane now.
Of course you're on a first-name basis with him! Did you not think how giving that man money - would make me feel? - He can't drive anymore.
Workmen's compensation won't cover the cost of a single-parent household.
Someone has to look out for him.
We weren't the only ones who lost something.
We're the only ones that matter.
I devoted an entire show to Phil's death - [SIGHS.]
- an honest show.
They're gonna air it soon.
I don't watch Puppet Time anymore.
Watching it makes me want to swallow my tongue.
You shouldn't blame that man for what happened.
I don't blame him.
I hate him.
I blame myself for what happened.
It was an accident a stray burst of electrons through a stoplight.
- A broken lamp.
- An act of God.
He's not the bad guy.
Neither are you, Jill.
- No one is.
- That's what you don't get.
Next to you, I am the bad guy.
I always am.
No, you're a wonderful person, and I miss you - more than anything.
- Don't.
[SOBBING.]
Oh, I loved you, Jeff, but after the accident, when all the cards arrived they were all addressed to you.
They were meant for both of us.
You're Santa.
I'm Mrs.
Claus.
Santa brings joy.
Mrs.
Claus brings kibble to the reindeer.
Well, I don't live on the North Pole anymore.
[SNIFFLES.]
I live in reality now.
It's not as colorful, but I see the world how it really is.
The world is a perfect circle of endless possibilities.
It's not a circle.
It's a hole.
[DISQUIETING PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
That truck driver He didn't hurt his back in the accident.
Maybe he told you he did, but that is called a lie.
He just wants your money.
He's stealing from you, and teaching Will a magic trick isn't gonna get him to stop smoking pot.
And when you screw a woman you just met and she doesn't call you back, it's not 'cause her phone is broken.
It's 'cause she doesn't like you! I'm sorry, but this is where we live.
Please, join us.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[SNIFFLES.]
[RUMBLING.]
[CELL PHONE PLAYS "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT".]
[CHUCKLES.]
[WHISTLING JAUNTY TUNE.]
[SOFT MUSIC.]
[WHISTLING JAUNTY TUNE.]
[SOFT MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Is it the queen of hearts? [SIGHS.]
- No way! - [LAUGHS.]
[WHISTLING JAUNTY TUNE.]
Mom? [DOG BARKS.]
[SOFT MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Isn't it amazing, Gertie? [ADRIAN YOUNGE'S "STRANGER BY THE SEA".]
A stranger landed from the sea I welcomed him to come to me We touched but he swam back to sea He saw the cold and misery He sails the seven oceans Exploring his emotions
Previously on Kidding [JEFF.]
Go, go, go! I found out what the P in "P-Hound" stands for.
Now every time I see the letter P, I think of the word "pussy.
" We are losing control of him.
We need versions of him we can control.
[SEB.]
This is the drawer of letters from women.
This one's from Akron.
You know, it's only two hours away.
Give her a call.
Buy her some cheesecake.
Married.
In six weeks, I'm gonna be dead.
[GASPING.]
Aah! [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
[BRIGHT SYNTH MUSIC.]
This job is hard.
This job's the easiest shit I've done my whole fucking life.
No, pickles make me sad now.
I see pickles, I see that dead Pickle boy on the road.
I see his family suffering.
I see pickles, I see tears.
[SCOFFS.]
Why you fucking do that? Now I see it, too.
Fuck, Sheila.
Ruining pickles and shit.
Fuck you, Sheila.
Murderer! Thank you for a lovely evening.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
Why do you feel guilty? [JEFF.]
I like you.
I like Vivian.
I don't like having feelings for two people.
- It's selfish.
- Don't feel bad.
I don't feel bad.
I feel incredible.
I feel like I've discovered the South Pole.
I don't want you to feel bad.
I don't want to hurt you.
You're never gonna not be important to me.
You're never gonna not be important to me.
Well, I think it's great, too.
Just the other night, I was thinking to myself, "Are there any ladies that I know who would be a good match for Jeff?" And literally nobody came to mind.
Thanks, Giant P.
- I thought it was Big P.
- Was it? I'm not hurt.
I'm not upset.
I'm offering you many blessings and much good luck here on your new relationship.
Don't worry.
It's just temporary.
It doesn't have to be temporary.
It does.
[WALTZ MUSIC.]
What does that mean? [DOOR CLOSES.]
[CELL PHONE BEEPING.]
[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA.]
Hello? Rex? I have a piano question.
I see your car! Are you gonna put it under your pillow this time or hide it from the Tooth Fairy? - I don't hide them.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
I lose them sometimes.
- Uh-huh.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey, Dad.
I lost my tooth in my breakfast panini.
I'm not going to work today.
I have the flu.
- [SCOTT.]
It really sucks.
- Where does it hurt? Ugh, all over my body.
I-I need to go to bed.
I need fluids.
I can't go to work today or tomorrow, maybe ever.
I do not want to be a corporate travel agent.
Why am I a corporate travel agent? Are you crying? It's the flu.
I'll make soup.
Actually, people are saying yogurt is the new soup.
I'll put up no resistance I wanna stay the distance I've got an itch to scratch I need assistance Touch-a I'm waiting for a text message.
Mm.
[JEFF.]
I wanna be dirty How much longer do you think we have? - As a species? - Mm until the roof caves in.
- [GROANS SOFTLY.]
- Till there's no this anymore.
Until Jeff can't function as host or human.
It all depends on him.
Could be weeks.
Could be months.
I can't predict the future, and I'm not good at guessing weight from a distance, but if you get close to him, you can hear the air hissing out of the balloon.
And what do I do, then? You're gonna be home alone all day with your family that screaming banshee child and let's face it, that marriage that has always had one foot on a pile of red ants.
Fuck you, red ants! Scott's the love of my life.
And Maddy she lost a tooth this morning, and I was like, "Put it under your pillow.
" And I cannot wait to get home later and find her tooth under her pillow.
Everybody wants to feel like they're a good parent.
Nobody wants to act like one.
Do me a favor and picture your brother as a mascot to your favorite Chinese softball team, huh? Would he look like this? That's traumatizing.
- He has a dick nose.
- Yeah.
It's Jeff's head for the Ice Capades.
I outsourced it to Vietnam.
It's shitty.
You can do better.
I can't replace Jeff with a Styrofoam head and then look him in the eye over osso buco.
Welcome to the world of exciting internal conflict.
Build me a Jeff, please.
I know this is gonna come as a surprise to you, but I'm not gonna be around much longer.
My father died at 68.
I'm on borrowed time.
I'd like all this to be yours someday.
Since when? If not you, who? But if we want to keep this shop open, first, we need to build another Jeff on ice.
The original is out to sea.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
I don't want to hurt anyone.
Hurt who? Jill, Will anyone.
I mean, this, for example.
[JEFF.]
What if a kid watched this, put a barrel on, attached a bedsheet to it, and tried to parachute over Niagara Falls? Chances would not be good.
We've been using that same visually arresting sequence to transition you from the real world to Pickle Barrel Falls for 30 years.
And no child has ever tried this? I promise you, we would've heard.
Mm.
Why are you questioning this now? Shaina, from Akron.
We shared the cheesecake.
A moment from this show saved her life.
If that's true, one moment from this show could take a life, if we're not careful.
It's a puppet show.
It's not a cursed monkey paw.
- Do I have texts? - I don't know.
That's a cell phone that uses AA batteries.
You want to change something? Upgrade your gizmos.
How'd things go with Shaina from Akron? - We didn't really connect.
- Oh, that's too bad.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
I met someone else, though.
Really? On the same night? Her name is Vivian.
I love that name.
She sounds gorgeous.
- Now tell me about her.
- She's younger than me.
That's fine, as long as she's not selling Do-Si-Dos outside the Kroger.
- She has a lovely smile.
- Aw, terrific.
And the doctors give her about six weeks.
Hmm.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
[WOMAN.]
Where you off to, Jimmy? Pickle Barrel Falls.
[WOMAN.]
Okay, honey, have fun.
Bye, Mom.
Here we go! [DOG BARKS.]
[ENNUI SPUTTERING.]
What are you trying to do, Ennui La Triste? Because my tongue is cheese, I cannot whistle! [CRIES.]
Quel fromage.
Come on, you stale breadstick.
Whistling is easy.
[BUBBLING.]
Mm, never mind.
Ennui, in my experience, everyone has a little tune in their heart, and if you listen closely, it always finds a way out.
[SMACKS LIPS.]
[WHISTLING.]
Now you try.
[WHISTLING.]
[ALL WHISTLING.]
And then I loved her in the pussy.
Wow.
[CHUCKLES.]
I know.
I tried texting her, but there's no response.
Didn't you say she was terminally ill? No, that's just the opinion of three doctors.
Her attitude would suggest an entirely different prognosis.
But what do I know? I'm not three doctors.
What can you do, Jeff? I hate to think that last night didn't mean anything to her.
Maybe your phone's broken.
That's why she hasn't responded.
- Did you think of that? - That's it.
You're probably right.
- [DEIRDRE.]
Mm-hmm.
- Ah.
What a dopey-dope.
- Ha! - [CHUCKLES.]
- Hi, Dad.
- Hello, my boy.
You asked when it all ends.
- I - Six weeks.
When the cancer lady he's falling for bites it, that's when he pops.
Not a lot of time, but we can get the ice show on its feet and rush the doll for Christmas.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
Will.
You back here? I could use some technical support.
[COUGHING.]
Whoa, it's you.
Your pineapple is smoking.
Yeah, I call it the Mind-dozer.
It's practically made the apple bong obsolete.
Plus, when you're done, you can chop it up and eat it, get you manganese.
Have you seen my son? [BONG DUDE.]
Just because I've seen him in a place doesn't mean he's actually in that place, you know? Meaning, he could've left that place.
Well, could you point to where you saw him last? [BONG DUDE.]
Narc-ing on an acquaintance would violate every principle I hold dear.
Hey, is it true you killed a bunch of Lebanese people when you were a sniper for the CIA? [CHUCKLES.]
What did you say? The Dark Web knows all secrets, man.
You shouldn't believe every rumor you read.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Truth is, I wouldn't know the first thing about lining up an innocent man's peach pit from 1,000 yards out pink misting him through his kitchen window.
I've never been to Lebanon or Iran, never known the thrill of sipping the Shah's contraband tequila from the cold navel of my 100th kill.
Nor can I appreciate the years of training and tenacity it would take to draw an imaginary line between my heartbeat and my trigger finger.
Never done those things.
[MARTIAL MUSIC.]
I could never take a man's life.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
But I've heard it's as easy as popping a pimple.
I think Will's over there, man.
Thanks for your help.
You're a good helper.
[WILL.]
All right, pick a card, any card.
- Should I show you? - No.
Don't don't show me.
Now, uh, sign the Bicycle side of the card.
Will? Could you come with me to the phone store? This thing is broken.
I don't know what to do.
So you you think your phone is broken because this woman you just met didn't respond? We spent a whole night together.
We told each other things you can never tell a stranger.
- We made love.
- Oh.
Um There's something wrong with this.
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Uh-huh.
Yeah, uh it looks okay to me.
Could you take in the back just to make sure? - I'd feel better.
- Sure.
Sure.
Uh, just Yeah, which account is this phone registered under? I have your name associated with two plans one ending in 4356, - another in 7864.
- Yeah, the first one.
Okay.
We will get to the bottom of this.
- Great.
- Okay.
Okay.
Hey do you think that maybe I could get a, uh a new phone, one with a, uh, alphanumeric keyboard? What do you need that for? Whose, uh whose phone number ends in 7864? What? He, uh he said that you have two numbers.
[SIGHS.]
The other number belongs to a man who hurt his back so badly that he can't work anymore, so I pay for some of his necessities, like his phone and his rent and his daughter's education.
How did he get hurt? He was driving the truck that hit you and Phil that day.
Don't you hate that guy? Hate doesn't punish who you think it does.
[MAN.]
Well, I had our best technicians take a look, and there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with the phone.
Uh Mm, that's unfortunate.
Um, look, Mr.
Pickles here's the thing.
Can I tell you what I think really happened? I-I don't think that your phone is broken.
I think that, uh, it's hers that's broken, and that's why she's not responding.
[CHUCKLES.]
That makes sense.
I knew there was a reason I brought you.
[CHUCKLES.]
He's the family computer whiz.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, that's Uh, so is there anything else I can help you with? Just that.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[SCOTT.]
Once upon a time, there was a swing in a branch and a big, fat marshmallow.
[MADDY.]
Why does the cat only eat marshmallows, Dad? Why do you think? Turn the page.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHING.]
I only see the cat! [MADDY.]
The kitty's so dismay-ded, but there's a marshmallow, and the kitty's like I'm sick.
So breathe that way.
I'm not sleeping on the fold-out.
No, I mean I'm sick, Dee Dee.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I need Oh, God, I've pictured having this conversation since I was 13, and now I don't know how to start it.
But a word that's defined me for a while has been confusion.
[SIGHS.]
[CRIES.]
[CRYING.]
Even ten words in, it already feels so cathartic [SIGHS.]
to open up about what I'm trying to say, baby.
[SNIFFLES.]
[QUIET ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.]
In the deepest part of myself I've always Name a happy child of divorce.
- What? - Name one happy child of divorce.
Can I finish what I'm trying to say? Oh the Tooth Fairy needs to find her wand.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[WHISPERING.]
Where do your teeth go? Hi, Mom.
[RASPY VOICE.]
I'm Mr.
Chompers.
Jesus! Fuck! And I eat dreams.
Nom! Nom! Nom [SPACEY MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
I'm sorry.
I don't even know how to talk to you anymore, but I want you to know that I do it all the time in my head, so it feels like I talk to you more than I do.
[DARK MUSIC.]
I'm always asking myself if I'm trying too hard.
Am I? Or not enough? I used to be so good at putting myself between you and anything that tried to hurt you, but I couldn't I couldn't put myself between you and what happened.
I I couldn't stop you losing everything.
And I don't know how to protect you anymore, and maybe I shouldn't.
Maybe that's how I help.
Have you ever seen the movie Robocop? Maybe? It's about a police officer who dies in the line of duty.
His buddies rebuild him like a robot so they can control him, but he just gets way more violent.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Just a sec.
[SIGHS.]
Hi.
I didn't know you were coming.
Welcome to my home away from home.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
What happened here? Um a lamp got broken.
And you're sleeping on a futon? Yeah, sometimes I want a bed.
Sometimes I want a couch.
It's Spartan, but it's everything I need.
Where does Will sleep? Oh, I have an inflatable mattress.
He thinks it's like a water bed, only with air.
You could be in a suite at the Four Seasons, Jeff.
I'm happy here.
What you don't see are the memories.
My first apartment short stroll right across campus.
Before I say what I'm going to say, you should know that your son was very touched by what you did.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
I didn't expect that.
We raised a good boy.
But the guilt that I felt for wanting a sixth pair of shoes Who said you couldn't have shoes? - or a car that's just fun - It's a lot of shoes.
and fast to drive You want another car? Get another car.
- or for hating the man - Get six cars one for every day of the week.
who drove a snack truck into our family, and meanwhile, you are writing checks for his rent, his utility bills? You're paying his garbage pickup? He has a daughter.
Someday she's gonna have to go to college.
[CRYING.]
We had a son, and he will never go to college! Denny hurt his back in the accident.
- Denny? - He walks with a cane now.
Of course you're on a first-name basis with him! Did you not think how giving that man money - would make me feel? - He can't drive anymore.
Workmen's compensation won't cover the cost of a single-parent household.
Someone has to look out for him.
We weren't the only ones who lost something.
We're the only ones that matter.
I devoted an entire show to Phil's death - [SIGHS.]
- an honest show.
They're gonna air it soon.
I don't watch Puppet Time anymore.
Watching it makes me want to swallow my tongue.
You shouldn't blame that man for what happened.
I don't blame him.
I hate him.
I blame myself for what happened.
It was an accident a stray burst of electrons through a stoplight.
- A broken lamp.
- An act of God.
He's not the bad guy.
Neither are you, Jill.
- No one is.
- That's what you don't get.
Next to you, I am the bad guy.
I always am.
No, you're a wonderful person, and I miss you - more than anything.
- Don't.
[SOBBING.]
Oh, I loved you, Jeff, but after the accident, when all the cards arrived they were all addressed to you.
They were meant for both of us.
You're Santa.
I'm Mrs.
Claus.
Santa brings joy.
Mrs.
Claus brings kibble to the reindeer.
Well, I don't live on the North Pole anymore.
[SNIFFLES.]
I live in reality now.
It's not as colorful, but I see the world how it really is.
The world is a perfect circle of endless possibilities.
It's not a circle.
It's a hole.
[DISQUIETING PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
That truck driver He didn't hurt his back in the accident.
Maybe he told you he did, but that is called a lie.
He just wants your money.
He's stealing from you, and teaching Will a magic trick isn't gonna get him to stop smoking pot.
And when you screw a woman you just met and she doesn't call you back, it's not 'cause her phone is broken.
It's 'cause she doesn't like you! I'm sorry, but this is where we live.
Please, join us.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[SNIFFLES.]
[RUMBLING.]
[CELL PHONE PLAYS "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT".]
[CHUCKLES.]
[WHISTLING JAUNTY TUNE.]
[SOFT MUSIC.]
[WHISTLING JAUNTY TUNE.]
[SOFT MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Is it the queen of hearts? [SIGHS.]
- No way! - [LAUGHS.]
[WHISTLING JAUNTY TUNE.]
Mom? [DOG BARKS.]
[SOFT MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Isn't it amazing, Gertie? [ADRIAN YOUNGE'S "STRANGER BY THE SEA".]
A stranger landed from the sea I welcomed him to come to me We touched but he swam back to sea He saw the cold and misery He sails the seven oceans Exploring his emotions