King of the Hill s02e11 Episode Script
The Unbearable Blindness of Laying
[rock 'n' roll music playing.]
[hammering.]
come on, hank.
Your mom's flight arrives in half an hour.
Hold on.
I gotta do a color check.
Let's see.
Red, blue, green, white.
Red, blue, green, white.
Red-- Hank, aren't you excited to see your mother? Of course I'm excited to see her.
I haven't seen her in 2 years.
It's the boyfriend i'm worried about.
[airplane engine whirring.]
you know, it's about time you got used to this, hank .
your mother told you almost a year ago that she had a boyfriend.
She said "gentleman friend.
" I didn't know it was the same thing.
I thought they just sit and have tea, and talk about how good the tea is You know, "not too hot.
" That kind of thing.
Well, I've never heard your mother so happy.
Come on, just give this guy a chance.
Why? He's just gonna use her like a footstool, like dad did.
Rub-a-dub-dub I think I'm in love.
Oh hank, you're exaggerating.
Not really.
(hank) oh, great.
Look, she's carryin' both of the bags and he's nowhere to be found.
Well hello, tilly, how was your flight? Well, it was nice, except that we asked for no meat, and they served us meat.
And we just can't eat meat since gary's bypass.
Oh, hank, it's so good to see you.
[grunting.]
mom, we're in public.
One hand only, ok? But I've missed you.
Thank you very much.
Hank and I cannot wait to meet your new man.
[sighs.]
we didn't know how to spell his name, so we don't have a stocking for him.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm sure he won't even notice.
Um, he's jewish, and, uh, they never did that in his family.
Did they carry suitcases in his family or does he think that's woman's work, like dad did? Oh, hank, gary's nothin' like cotton.
He's got a big heart.
Of course, now the doctors call it "enlarged.
" You flush, and where does it go? [laughs.]
ah, you must be peggy.
That's right, peggy.
It's such a pleasure to meet you, Mr.
Kasner.
Mr.
Kasner's my father.
Gary, it's gary.
Hank, I recognize this from your baby pictures.
I'm glad to meet you at last, boychik.
Uh, hey! Hey, let go.
[laughs.]
never, never.
You'll never get away.
Mom, I'll put your stuff in the den with luanne.
Uh, gary, I put a cot in bobby's room for you.
No, no, no! Why move everyone around? Tilly and I can sleep out here in the living room.
No, I don't think so.
why? Doesn't that couch open up? Uh, yeah, but, no, uh Hank, don't tell me you're uncomfortable with the thought of me and gary sleepin ' in the same room.
I didn't have that thought, mom.
You put that thought in my head.
But now that it's there, you leave me no choice.
I'm sorry.
I gotta drive all the way to houston to have christmas lunch with my dad and then drive all the way back here to have christmas dinner with my mom and him.
Why do you keep calling him, "him"? I just find that odd.
.
I call him Mr.
Kasner, keeping it nice and formal "kasner.
" is that german? It's jewish.
[birds chirping.]
so, he's jewish.
Yeah, dale , he's jewish.
There's nothin' wrong with that, in and of itself.
Is he funny? Well, he doesn't seem too funny.
Seinfeld's funny.
Seinfeld's funnier than gary.
I'll bet gary Kasner, is it? I'll bet he's funnier than cotton.
Cotton ain't no funny at all, man.
Dang ol' p.
o.
w.
Camp about putting dang bamboo shoots talkin' about in his ding dang ol' fingernails, man, don't freak me out about that.
You know, I thought my mom had learned her lesson when she had the good sense to dump my dad.
But now she's gone and found another guy to treat her like a bellboy.
[laughs.]
whoopi goldberg's funny.
You know, the man won't even eat steak.
Now, what's that about? Hell, my boss has a bypass surgery every year, and he eats all the damn steak he wants.
That's not the reason gary doesn't eat steak, hank.
It's 'cause the cow is sacred to his people.
Nope, you're thinkin' of the hindus.
The pig is sacred to the jews.
I wouldn't, myself, never join a religion that restricted my diet.
See, I don't want to get into heaven that way.
Hey, we have the same build.
Yeah, I guess so.
But your skin is a little tighter.
Are you a war hero, like my biological grandfather? A hero? No.
No, no.
I spent most of korea in a submarine, deep in the pacific.
I didn't see much action.
Hey, when you flush on a submarine, where does it go? [chuckling.]
you, I like.
You said, "you, I like," instead of, "i like you.
" That's funny.
I like that.
Wait.
That, I like.
[sighing.]
[gary munching.]
good.
Good, you're up.
What is this I'm eating? It's some kind of delicious cutlet.
Chicken-fried steak.
" Oh well, I'm gonna count this under "chicken.
[gulps.]
i'm allowed to have chicken.
Uh, sit down.
Let's talk.
Hank, your mother means a great deal to me.
It's been a long time since I've had these feelings-- Uh, sorry, but now is a bad time.
.
Uh, this is my program and I just ask you, father, to take this man's hiccups, to heal him.
[hiccupping.]
i--i--i, y-you believe in this stuff? Yep, that's right.
It's my favorite thing.
So please don't talk to me about anything else right now.
Hiccups, be gone! [hiccupping.]
well, I guess there's nothing we can Be gone! I was thinkin' of picking up a menorah so we can celebrate hanukkah and make gary feel at home.
What? I just think it would be nice to honor his traditions, too.
Bobby could blow out all the candles on hanukkah eve, and make a wish.
No, he's the new guy.
Why should we change anything for him? He hasn't made any offers to change for me.
Bobby, are you going to the game with us? Basketball, I can take or leave.
Excuse me? Honey, don't you mean to say, "i can take or leave basketball"? No, mom, gary taught me this.
It's the cool new way people from arizona talk.
You want I should teach you? Bobby, get your butt in the car.
Let's go, let's go! If I Miss the tip-off, I don't know which team is goin' for which basket.
Mom, you're not dressed.
.
Didn't somebody tell you? 4 of arlen's players made regionals I think I'll pass.
' Fine, whatever .
I'm just sayin an 8th grade like this comes along once in a decade.
[laughs.]
it's been a long night without you, puppy.
Mister, it's certainly been a long, hot night.
I got your mistletoe, right here.
Did you remember to bring the styrofoam finger? Yes, hank.
Does it say "number one" on it? yes, hank.
? The basketball one? [sighing.]
[tires squealing.]
(hank) huh, that's my mother's robe.
As soon as I'm out of sight, he makes her do the laundry.
This is weird.
It sounds like the dryer's on, but all their clothes are on the floor.
[thumping.]
[tilly moaning.]
oh! [gasping.]
uh My eyes! I've gone blind! Hank, is something wrong? You look very strange.
.
Well.
.
I guess I'll have to take your word for it.
I can't see a thing.
I've gone blind.
Oh, good lord! Blind, he's gone now.
I'm really stumped.
Your eyes respond to light, the retina is in place and there's no sign of a stroke.
Mr.
Hill, I know I've asked you this before, but you didn't poke yourself, did you? No, I just went blind for no reason.
Why is that so hard for you to understand? What kind of a doctor are you, anyway? Will you do something? ? What are all these machines for? What about that laser right there use that laser on my husband right now! All right.
Whoa, whoa! I don't need a laser.
Look, what if somebody saw somethin' really, really wrong? Could that affect someone's vision? Was something out of place, something where it shouldn't be? Did you open the microwave door before the "ding"? Just tell me if it's possible.
Well There is a temporary disorder called hysterical blindness.
Someone can see something so horrific like, say, a brutal murder, that sort of thing, that they actually lose their sight.
Here, I got a couple of books on it.
You take them.
I don't need them.
This condition could last a few days, or a few weeks.
The key to getting better will be to confront what you saw and deal with it.
Unless, of course, you poked yourself, in which case when you're ready to admit it, you can come back and I'll fix you right up.
.
Hank.
.
When are you planning on telling me what you saw? I can't say.
You want me to lose my voice, too? How can I help you get better, if you don't tell me what caused this? So don't help me.
I'll just be blind.
I don't care.
Is it a thing, or--or a person, or a vegetable? hank, just tell me! a person.
Ah-ahh! Stop it! Stop asking me.
When we get home, you can show me on a doll.
no! All right, I'll tell you.
But you can't say anything about it to anyone.
I saw mom and gary, uh In the throes of, uh Activity.
That's it? I can't believe you dragged me to a medical doctor for that.
Well, you get your sight back, right now, you big baby.
Come on, peggy, it's not that easy.
How would you feel if you saw your mother on the kitchen table in the arms of a 65-year-old man wearing nothin' but a submarine tattoo? [gasps.]
I eat breakfast on that table.
What did the doctor say, honey? I poked myself in the eye.
It's the darnedest thing.
But what about the other eye? Well, it seems the other eye compensates by shutting itself down.
It's one of nature's wonders.
My entire life, I've been reading psychology today.
I--I never heard of an eye sympathetically shutting down.
Hmm.
I've got a magazine you ought to read.
It's called the ten commandments.
Who's he talking to? Hank, you want I should come over there? "you want I should come over there?" that is so arizona.
[t.
v.
Playing.]
I know what your problem is, hank.
Your finger's too big.
That's why you poked your eye out.
[all laughing.]
ha, ha, ha, ha! Hey, hank, what am I thinkin'? You can't see.
.]
[both laughing you can't see what I'm thinkin'.
I'm not gonna be blind forever, you know.
And the second I see some ass, i'm kickin' it.
Now, no more making fun of my blindness.
Okie-doke.
Brring, brring! Phone for you, hank.
[all laughing.]
the joke's on you, funny man.
[dog barking.]
[hank screaming.]
I like them flat.
Press harder.
[gasps.]
peggy So, ok, who wants to make cookies? [groans.]
[sighing.]
jesus, if you're up there, what I'd really like for christmas is my sight back.
And a wrench set.
Well, maybe I should be talking to santa about that.
[birds chirping.]
(woman on stereo) ? Mistletoe hung where you can see ? [blowing.]
what? What's goin' on? Did somebody drop a dish? Ok, now we will open the presents.
I'll pass them out, like usual.
Oh, we got somethin' square, uh Did somebody ask santa for something square? [chuckling.]
uh, here you go, bobby.
? You will get a sentimental feeling ? Hey, that's for me! he said "bobby.
" ? Voices singing let's be jolly ? Cool! A nightgown.
I'm gonna wear this when I get older.
All right, who's next? Ooh, I got a heavy one here.
[rustling.]
? Everyone dancing merrily ?? Ok, and here's something for peggy from tilly and me.
[gasping.]
a book! I love books.
"the clown did it.
"movie comics from buster keaton to robin williams.
" look, hank! Uh, I'm awake.
Oh, and what do we have here? Oh, my goodness! Another mink coat for hank.
Sorry, hank, I know that's getting old.
That's great there, gary.
.
Thanks for turnin' my holiday into a woody allen special i'm gonna sit in the truck until it's time to go to my dad's.
Where's my finger? Gary, he didn't mean that.
Please excuse me.
[clattering.]
.
hank, stop hank, if you won't come back in for gary or your mother, at least do it for yourself.
Now, the doctor told you it was psychological.
If you run away from your problem, you will never get your sight back.
Are you going to drive me to my dad's or not? [sighing.]
honey, I feel better already.
Every block we put between me and the kitchen table is a load off my mind.
Amen to that.
Now, where am I going? Huh? Wha-- Peggy? Where's peggy? Turn this thing around.
Peggy asked me to take you, and my policy is: .
give a woman what she wants stop the truck.
Let me ride in back, in the bed.
Don't be silly.
You'll be much more comfortable inside.
Here, I'll, um, I'll tell you what you're passing.
There's one of those big trucks.
You know the ones you find on the road.
.
A semi, a demi-- A couple-of-dozen-wheelers here we got a billboard.
They want us to buy some filing cabinets-- Shut up! You're drivin' me insane.
Oh, look! A hitchhiker with a beard, a gun and a dog.
I think we'll pick him up.
It maybe take you out of this mood you're in.
.
He looks like a nice guy no, no! We can take the dog.
no! .
He'll lick your face.
You'll feel better no, no, no! Don't you like dogs? (cotton) you're late.
Dad, it's good to hear your voice.
Still blind, huh? Or are you fakin'? [groans.]
either you're blind or you're slow.
I'd believe both.
What's he sellin'? Oh, uh, that's just the guy who drove me here.
Gary kasner.
Kasner? Happy hanukkah.
I served with one of your tribe in the pacific.
Name of brookland.
You know him? I know a joe brookstein.
That's him.
Well, let's go get a tree, boy.
.
Uh, dad, I gotta take your shoulder here hands off, girlie.
I didn't fight off a bunker full of horny privates to let you cop a feel.
[gunshots.]
you know, dad, it's like old times, bein' here on the holidays.
I gotta say, I really like-- Have you been a chauffeur all your life, kasner? I'm in visiting with tilly .
Just thought I'd help out.
Tilly? My old tilly? Uh, dad-- My sweet god! Is she still around? She was too old for me 20 years ago.
I don't know what year she told you she was, mister, but that odometer's done rolled over.
Dad, it's christmas.
It doesn't matter what day it is.
You don't talk about her like that.
Tilly's a great woman, a wonderful woman.
And all you did was dump on her.
Shame on you.
If I catch you talkin' like that again, i'll kick your ass.
All right, i'm backin' down.
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
Hank, I'll wai t outside for you.
Uh, a little to your left.
Thanks, gary.
You--you didn't have to leave early on my account.
(cotton) where's my eggnog? Bring me my eggnog! [sighs.]
no problem.
(hank) where are we? We're not home yet.
(gary) i'm taking you to a place .
that might help you to get your sight back I've already seen the doctors.
No, no.
Not medicine.
Faith.
No, that's really nice of you to offer to share your jewishness with me but I really don't walk that way.
.
Hank, trust me look, it's nothin' personal, i'm just not crazy about the idea of my god seeing me in your god's temple.
Hank, I wouldn't take you to a temple without tellin' you.
Then where are we? What's goin' on? I know you didn't poke yourself in the eye.
It's not hard to figure out what happened.
You saw me and your mother in the kitchen.
I'm not flattered that it made you go blind, but obviously it's something psychological with you.
That's why we're here.
(minister) welcome, brothers and sisters and all you prayer partners tuning in at home.
Welcome to the canvas cathedral.
Canvas cathedral? The big t.
v.
Church on the highway? You said it was your favorite.
You brought me here? We're celebrating a special birthday today.
Does anyone know his name? He's almost 2000 years old, but he's still goin' strong.
I think we should give him a round of applause because he's workin' on his birthday.
I don't really believe in this faith-healing stuff but it's a really nice gesture.
I don't get it.
I haven't been that nice to you.
Enough, enough.
I do I t because I love your mom.
Well She's very fond of you, too.
And it's not such a bad thing, i'm beginning to think.
[gasps.]
hey, no fair.
I didn't see you comin'.
Ok, got your jollies by now? He's healin' the crippled today, on his birthday.
He's healin' the blind today, on his birthday.
I got a blind man right here.
Is this man your son? I'd like to think, maybe one day.
Yeah.
Well, I guess that would be an all right way to be thinkin'.
Blindness, leave this man! I can see! That a boy! I knew you could.
Amazing grace! He was blind and now he sees.
We'll be right bac k after these messages.
Hey, hank, how's the weather? Oh, right, you're blind.
[all laughing.]
now me, now me.
Hey, hank, you're not wearin' any pants.
[all laughing.]
man! Hank got that dang ol' stick, man, .
even though walking like he can see again, man it's a little spooky, man.
Hey, hank's got his sight, man! Run! Get outta here! [all shrieking.]
(gary) you wanna taste something good? Put the mashed potatoes with the cranberries together, mush them around.
[all munching.]
this is the best christmas ever.
Very good.
(gary) I shouldn't eat so much.
.
(bobby) so moist, this turkey is it's a special occasion.
You can have another piece.
Ah, well.
Look, I wonder who's gonna eat that piece.
You gonna eat that?
[hammering.]
come on, hank.
Your mom's flight arrives in half an hour.
Hold on.
I gotta do a color check.
Let's see.
Red, blue, green, white.
Red, blue, green, white.
Red-- Hank, aren't you excited to see your mother? Of course I'm excited to see her.
I haven't seen her in 2 years.
It's the boyfriend i'm worried about.
[airplane engine whirring.]
you know, it's about time you got used to this, hank .
your mother told you almost a year ago that she had a boyfriend.
She said "gentleman friend.
" I didn't know it was the same thing.
I thought they just sit and have tea, and talk about how good the tea is You know, "not too hot.
" That kind of thing.
Well, I've never heard your mother so happy.
Come on, just give this guy a chance.
Why? He's just gonna use her like a footstool, like dad did.
Rub-a-dub-dub I think I'm in love.
Oh hank, you're exaggerating.
Not really.
(hank) oh, great.
Look, she's carryin' both of the bags and he's nowhere to be found.
Well hello, tilly, how was your flight? Well, it was nice, except that we asked for no meat, and they served us meat.
And we just can't eat meat since gary's bypass.
Oh, hank, it's so good to see you.
[grunting.]
mom, we're in public.
One hand only, ok? But I've missed you.
Thank you very much.
Hank and I cannot wait to meet your new man.
[sighs.]
we didn't know how to spell his name, so we don't have a stocking for him.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm sure he won't even notice.
Um, he's jewish, and, uh, they never did that in his family.
Did they carry suitcases in his family or does he think that's woman's work, like dad did? Oh, hank, gary's nothin' like cotton.
He's got a big heart.
Of course, now the doctors call it "enlarged.
" You flush, and where does it go? [laughs.]
ah, you must be peggy.
That's right, peggy.
It's such a pleasure to meet you, Mr.
Kasner.
Mr.
Kasner's my father.
Gary, it's gary.
Hank, I recognize this from your baby pictures.
I'm glad to meet you at last, boychik.
Uh, hey! Hey, let go.
[laughs.]
never, never.
You'll never get away.
Mom, I'll put your stuff in the den with luanne.
Uh, gary, I put a cot in bobby's room for you.
No, no, no! Why move everyone around? Tilly and I can sleep out here in the living room.
No, I don't think so.
why? Doesn't that couch open up? Uh, yeah, but, no, uh Hank, don't tell me you're uncomfortable with the thought of me and gary sleepin ' in the same room.
I didn't have that thought, mom.
You put that thought in my head.
But now that it's there, you leave me no choice.
I'm sorry.
I gotta drive all the way to houston to have christmas lunch with my dad and then drive all the way back here to have christmas dinner with my mom and him.
Why do you keep calling him, "him"? I just find that odd.
.
I call him Mr.
Kasner, keeping it nice and formal "kasner.
" is that german? It's jewish.
[birds chirping.]
so, he's jewish.
Yeah, dale , he's jewish.
There's nothin' wrong with that, in and of itself.
Is he funny? Well, he doesn't seem too funny.
Seinfeld's funny.
Seinfeld's funnier than gary.
I'll bet gary Kasner, is it? I'll bet he's funnier than cotton.
Cotton ain't no funny at all, man.
Dang ol' p.
o.
w.
Camp about putting dang bamboo shoots talkin' about in his ding dang ol' fingernails, man, don't freak me out about that.
You know, I thought my mom had learned her lesson when she had the good sense to dump my dad.
But now she's gone and found another guy to treat her like a bellboy.
[laughs.]
whoopi goldberg's funny.
You know, the man won't even eat steak.
Now, what's that about? Hell, my boss has a bypass surgery every year, and he eats all the damn steak he wants.
That's not the reason gary doesn't eat steak, hank.
It's 'cause the cow is sacred to his people.
Nope, you're thinkin' of the hindus.
The pig is sacred to the jews.
I wouldn't, myself, never join a religion that restricted my diet.
See, I don't want to get into heaven that way.
Hey, we have the same build.
Yeah, I guess so.
But your skin is a little tighter.
Are you a war hero, like my biological grandfather? A hero? No.
No, no.
I spent most of korea in a submarine, deep in the pacific.
I didn't see much action.
Hey, when you flush on a submarine, where does it go? [chuckling.]
you, I like.
You said, "you, I like," instead of, "i like you.
" That's funny.
I like that.
Wait.
That, I like.
[sighing.]
[gary munching.]
good.
Good, you're up.
What is this I'm eating? It's some kind of delicious cutlet.
Chicken-fried steak.
" Oh well, I'm gonna count this under "chicken.
[gulps.]
i'm allowed to have chicken.
Uh, sit down.
Let's talk.
Hank, your mother means a great deal to me.
It's been a long time since I've had these feelings-- Uh, sorry, but now is a bad time.
.
Uh, this is my program and I just ask you, father, to take this man's hiccups, to heal him.
[hiccupping.]
i--i--i, y-you believe in this stuff? Yep, that's right.
It's my favorite thing.
So please don't talk to me about anything else right now.
Hiccups, be gone! [hiccupping.]
well, I guess there's nothing we can Be gone! I was thinkin' of picking up a menorah so we can celebrate hanukkah and make gary feel at home.
What? I just think it would be nice to honor his traditions, too.
Bobby could blow out all the candles on hanukkah eve, and make a wish.
No, he's the new guy.
Why should we change anything for him? He hasn't made any offers to change for me.
Bobby, are you going to the game with us? Basketball, I can take or leave.
Excuse me? Honey, don't you mean to say, "i can take or leave basketball"? No, mom, gary taught me this.
It's the cool new way people from arizona talk.
You want I should teach you? Bobby, get your butt in the car.
Let's go, let's go! If I Miss the tip-off, I don't know which team is goin' for which basket.
Mom, you're not dressed.
.
Didn't somebody tell you? 4 of arlen's players made regionals I think I'll pass.
' Fine, whatever .
I'm just sayin an 8th grade like this comes along once in a decade.
[laughs.]
it's been a long night without you, puppy.
Mister, it's certainly been a long, hot night.
I got your mistletoe, right here.
Did you remember to bring the styrofoam finger? Yes, hank.
Does it say "number one" on it? yes, hank.
? The basketball one? [sighing.]
[tires squealing.]
(hank) huh, that's my mother's robe.
As soon as I'm out of sight, he makes her do the laundry.
This is weird.
It sounds like the dryer's on, but all their clothes are on the floor.
[thumping.]
[tilly moaning.]
oh! [gasping.]
uh My eyes! I've gone blind! Hank, is something wrong? You look very strange.
.
Well.
.
I guess I'll have to take your word for it.
I can't see a thing.
I've gone blind.
Oh, good lord! Blind, he's gone now.
I'm really stumped.
Your eyes respond to light, the retina is in place and there's no sign of a stroke.
Mr.
Hill, I know I've asked you this before, but you didn't poke yourself, did you? No, I just went blind for no reason.
Why is that so hard for you to understand? What kind of a doctor are you, anyway? Will you do something? ? What are all these machines for? What about that laser right there use that laser on my husband right now! All right.
Whoa, whoa! I don't need a laser.
Look, what if somebody saw somethin' really, really wrong? Could that affect someone's vision? Was something out of place, something where it shouldn't be? Did you open the microwave door before the "ding"? Just tell me if it's possible.
Well There is a temporary disorder called hysterical blindness.
Someone can see something so horrific like, say, a brutal murder, that sort of thing, that they actually lose their sight.
Here, I got a couple of books on it.
You take them.
I don't need them.
This condition could last a few days, or a few weeks.
The key to getting better will be to confront what you saw and deal with it.
Unless, of course, you poked yourself, in which case when you're ready to admit it, you can come back and I'll fix you right up.
.
Hank.
.
When are you planning on telling me what you saw? I can't say.
You want me to lose my voice, too? How can I help you get better, if you don't tell me what caused this? So don't help me.
I'll just be blind.
I don't care.
Is it a thing, or--or a person, or a vegetable? hank, just tell me! a person.
Ah-ahh! Stop it! Stop asking me.
When we get home, you can show me on a doll.
no! All right, I'll tell you.
But you can't say anything about it to anyone.
I saw mom and gary, uh In the throes of, uh Activity.
That's it? I can't believe you dragged me to a medical doctor for that.
Well, you get your sight back, right now, you big baby.
Come on, peggy, it's not that easy.
How would you feel if you saw your mother on the kitchen table in the arms of a 65-year-old man wearing nothin' but a submarine tattoo? [gasps.]
I eat breakfast on that table.
What did the doctor say, honey? I poked myself in the eye.
It's the darnedest thing.
But what about the other eye? Well, it seems the other eye compensates by shutting itself down.
It's one of nature's wonders.
My entire life, I've been reading psychology today.
I--I never heard of an eye sympathetically shutting down.
Hmm.
I've got a magazine you ought to read.
It's called the ten commandments.
Who's he talking to? Hank, you want I should come over there? "you want I should come over there?" that is so arizona.
[t.
v.
Playing.]
I know what your problem is, hank.
Your finger's too big.
That's why you poked your eye out.
[all laughing.]
ha, ha, ha, ha! Hey, hank, what am I thinkin'? You can't see.
.]
[both laughing you can't see what I'm thinkin'.
I'm not gonna be blind forever, you know.
And the second I see some ass, i'm kickin' it.
Now, no more making fun of my blindness.
Okie-doke.
Brring, brring! Phone for you, hank.
[all laughing.]
the joke's on you, funny man.
[dog barking.]
[hank screaming.]
I like them flat.
Press harder.
[gasps.]
peggy So, ok, who wants to make cookies? [groans.]
[sighing.]
jesus, if you're up there, what I'd really like for christmas is my sight back.
And a wrench set.
Well, maybe I should be talking to santa about that.
[birds chirping.]
(woman on stereo) ? Mistletoe hung where you can see ? [blowing.]
what? What's goin' on? Did somebody drop a dish? Ok, now we will open the presents.
I'll pass them out, like usual.
Oh, we got somethin' square, uh Did somebody ask santa for something square? [chuckling.]
uh, here you go, bobby.
? You will get a sentimental feeling ? Hey, that's for me! he said "bobby.
" ? Voices singing let's be jolly ? Cool! A nightgown.
I'm gonna wear this when I get older.
All right, who's next? Ooh, I got a heavy one here.
[rustling.]
? Everyone dancing merrily ?? Ok, and here's something for peggy from tilly and me.
[gasping.]
a book! I love books.
"the clown did it.
"movie comics from buster keaton to robin williams.
" look, hank! Uh, I'm awake.
Oh, and what do we have here? Oh, my goodness! Another mink coat for hank.
Sorry, hank, I know that's getting old.
That's great there, gary.
.
Thanks for turnin' my holiday into a woody allen special i'm gonna sit in the truck until it's time to go to my dad's.
Where's my finger? Gary, he didn't mean that.
Please excuse me.
[clattering.]
.
hank, stop hank, if you won't come back in for gary or your mother, at least do it for yourself.
Now, the doctor told you it was psychological.
If you run away from your problem, you will never get your sight back.
Are you going to drive me to my dad's or not? [sighing.]
honey, I feel better already.
Every block we put between me and the kitchen table is a load off my mind.
Amen to that.
Now, where am I going? Huh? Wha-- Peggy? Where's peggy? Turn this thing around.
Peggy asked me to take you, and my policy is: .
give a woman what she wants stop the truck.
Let me ride in back, in the bed.
Don't be silly.
You'll be much more comfortable inside.
Here, I'll, um, I'll tell you what you're passing.
There's one of those big trucks.
You know the ones you find on the road.
.
A semi, a demi-- A couple-of-dozen-wheelers here we got a billboard.
They want us to buy some filing cabinets-- Shut up! You're drivin' me insane.
Oh, look! A hitchhiker with a beard, a gun and a dog.
I think we'll pick him up.
It maybe take you out of this mood you're in.
.
He looks like a nice guy no, no! We can take the dog.
no! .
He'll lick your face.
You'll feel better no, no, no! Don't you like dogs? (cotton) you're late.
Dad, it's good to hear your voice.
Still blind, huh? Or are you fakin'? [groans.]
either you're blind or you're slow.
I'd believe both.
What's he sellin'? Oh, uh, that's just the guy who drove me here.
Gary kasner.
Kasner? Happy hanukkah.
I served with one of your tribe in the pacific.
Name of brookland.
You know him? I know a joe brookstein.
That's him.
Well, let's go get a tree, boy.
.
Uh, dad, I gotta take your shoulder here hands off, girlie.
I didn't fight off a bunker full of horny privates to let you cop a feel.
[gunshots.]
you know, dad, it's like old times, bein' here on the holidays.
I gotta say, I really like-- Have you been a chauffeur all your life, kasner? I'm in visiting with tilly .
Just thought I'd help out.
Tilly? My old tilly? Uh, dad-- My sweet god! Is she still around? She was too old for me 20 years ago.
I don't know what year she told you she was, mister, but that odometer's done rolled over.
Dad, it's christmas.
It doesn't matter what day it is.
You don't talk about her like that.
Tilly's a great woman, a wonderful woman.
And all you did was dump on her.
Shame on you.
If I catch you talkin' like that again, i'll kick your ass.
All right, i'm backin' down.
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
Hank, I'll wai t outside for you.
Uh, a little to your left.
Thanks, gary.
You--you didn't have to leave early on my account.
(cotton) where's my eggnog? Bring me my eggnog! [sighs.]
no problem.
(hank) where are we? We're not home yet.
(gary) i'm taking you to a place .
that might help you to get your sight back I've already seen the doctors.
No, no.
Not medicine.
Faith.
No, that's really nice of you to offer to share your jewishness with me but I really don't walk that way.
.
Hank, trust me look, it's nothin' personal, i'm just not crazy about the idea of my god seeing me in your god's temple.
Hank, I wouldn't take you to a temple without tellin' you.
Then where are we? What's goin' on? I know you didn't poke yourself in the eye.
It's not hard to figure out what happened.
You saw me and your mother in the kitchen.
I'm not flattered that it made you go blind, but obviously it's something psychological with you.
That's why we're here.
(minister) welcome, brothers and sisters and all you prayer partners tuning in at home.
Welcome to the canvas cathedral.
Canvas cathedral? The big t.
v.
Church on the highway? You said it was your favorite.
You brought me here? We're celebrating a special birthday today.
Does anyone know his name? He's almost 2000 years old, but he's still goin' strong.
I think we should give him a round of applause because he's workin' on his birthday.
I don't really believe in this faith-healing stuff but it's a really nice gesture.
I don't get it.
I haven't been that nice to you.
Enough, enough.
I do I t because I love your mom.
Well She's very fond of you, too.
And it's not such a bad thing, i'm beginning to think.
[gasps.]
hey, no fair.
I didn't see you comin'.
Ok, got your jollies by now? He's healin' the crippled today, on his birthday.
He's healin' the blind today, on his birthday.
I got a blind man right here.
Is this man your son? I'd like to think, maybe one day.
Yeah.
Well, I guess that would be an all right way to be thinkin'.
Blindness, leave this man! I can see! That a boy! I knew you could.
Amazing grace! He was blind and now he sees.
We'll be right bac k after these messages.
Hey, hank, how's the weather? Oh, right, you're blind.
[all laughing.]
now me, now me.
Hey, hank, you're not wearin' any pants.
[all laughing.]
man! Hank got that dang ol' stick, man, .
even though walking like he can see again, man it's a little spooky, man.
Hey, hank's got his sight, man! Run! Get outta here! [all shrieking.]
(gary) you wanna taste something good? Put the mashed potatoes with the cranberries together, mush them around.
[all munching.]
this is the best christmas ever.
Very good.
(gary) I shouldn't eat so much.
.
(bobby) so moist, this turkey is it's a special occasion.
You can have another piece.
Ah, well.
Look, I wonder who's gonna eat that piece.
You gonna eat that?