King of the Hill s04e02 Episode Script

Cotton's Plot

( motor humming ) HUH! THEY CAN MAKE A SAW THAT DOESN'T CUT SKIN BUT THEY CAN'T MAKE A PARACHUTE THAT OPENS.
CAN WE MOVE THIS ALONG? I HAVE A FULL DAY AHEAD OF ME: BOGGLE WITH NANCY AT 2:00 SOFTBALL PRACTICE AT 4:00 AND AT SOME POINT I SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE A SHOWER.
NOW, PEGGY, DON'T EXPECT TO BE 100% RIGHT AWAY.
IT'S LIKELY YOUR MUSCLES HAVE ATROPHIED.
WELL, WHAT YOU MAY NOT KNOW, DOCTOR IS THAT EVERY MORNING SINCE THE ACCIDEN I HAVE BEEN DOING ISOMETRIC BUTT CLENCHES.
NO, NO, NO.
THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
I WILL TAKE OVER FROM HERE.
OH! HUH! WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW.
IT DOESN'T SMELL IN HERE AT ALL.
AW, COME ON, PEGGY.
YOU'LL BE BACK ON YOUR FEET IN NO TIME.
STOP MOPING.
I AM NOT MOPING.
I AM HAVING TROUBLE SUPPORTING MY HEAD.
PEGGY HILL.
ALL RIGHT.
MY NAME'S RAMSEY.
I'M YOUR PHYSICAL THERAPIS AND I AM GOING TO HAVE YOU WALKING AGAIN IN NO TIME.
YOU WILL? SURE.
MAYBE NOT TODAY, MAYBE NOT TOMORROW IN A MONTH-- WAY TOO SOON.
( groans ) DON'T BE SO TOUGH ON YOURSELF.
NOBODY SPENDS SIX WEEKS IN A CAS WITHOUT THEIR BODY GOING A LITTLE SOFT.
BUT THAT'S OKAY; WATER'S SOFT, TOO.
BUT GIVE IT TIME, AND IT'LL CARVE THE GRAND CANYON.
NOW, THAT DIDN'T TAKE A DAY, A WEEK OR EVEN A MONTH.
IT TOOK OVER 200 YEARS.
THE GRAND CANYON TOOK MILLIONS OF YEARS.
YOU'VE GOT TO LEARN TO TRUST ME, MRS.
HILL.
WE GONNA BE WORKING TOGETHER ONE HOUR AT A TIME ONCE A WEEK FOR HOW EVER LONG IT TAKES TO CARVE YOU A GRAND CANYON.
WE'RE GOING TO DO THIS DROP BY DROP; ARE YOU WITH ME? WELL, ALL RIGHT.
I GUESS SO.
OKAY, LET'S DO IT.
GREAT.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
NEXT WEEK? DROP BY DROP, MRS.
FLORES.
YEAH, YOU GOT IT.
NOW I AM MOPING.
Hank: NO PEEKING.
I'M NOT PEEKING.
OKAY, YOU CAN OPEN YOUR EYES.
OKAY.
THEY'RE OPEN.
LUANNE.
OH.
TA-DA! REMEMBER THE TEN BAGS OF CEMEN YOU SAID I'D NEVER USE? WELL, I USED ONE.
Peggy: OH, A WHEELCHAIR RAMP.
THANK YOU.
NOW I DON'T HAVE TO BE TRAPPED IN THE HOUSE, HUH? I CAN GO ANYWHERE IN MY WHEELCHAIR.
THANK YOU.
Bobby: LOOK, DAD! I'M SOPHIA LOREN, HUH? ( sighs ) BOBBY, I'M DRIVING YOU TO SCHOOL TODAY.
WE NEED TO TALK.
OOH.
I'M LATE FOR PARENTING CLASS.
LUANNE, COULD YOU GIVE ME A RIDE AND HELP ME FIND THE BABY? I SURE AM GLAD YOU'RE OUT OF THAT BODY CAST, PEGGY.
WELL, THANK YOU, BILL.
WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY DO WITH SOMETHING LIKE THAT? THROW IT OUT, I IMAGINE.
OH.
( whimpering sarcastically ) AIN'T YOU GOING TO EAT YOUR WAFFLE, HANK'S WIFE? IT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.
REACH FOR IT.
COME ON! YOU WOULDN'T LAST A DAY IN A JAPANESE P.
O.
W.
CAMP.
EXCUSE ME? TOJO HAD ME COOPED UP IN A BAMBOO RAT CAGE.
THERE WAS NOTHING TO EAT EXCEPT RATS.
SO THAT'S WHAT I ATE.
AFTER TWO WEEKS, I WAS DOWN TO MY LAST RAT.
I HAD TO LET HIM LIVE SO I COULD EAT HIS DROPPINGS.
CALLED IT "JUNGLE RICE"-- TASTED FINE.
YEAH, BY SEPTEMBER, I WAS FINALLY THIN ENOUGH TO SLIP BETWEEN THE BAMBOO BARS OF MY CAGE.
I STRANGLED THE GUARD WITH A ROPE MADE OF BRAIDED RAT TAILS AND RAN TO SAFETY.
( horn honking ) OH, THANK GOD.
WELL, THAT'S MY RIDE TO REHAB.
TO BE CONTINUED.
Peggy: I CAN'T.
THAT'S OKAY.
I CAN'T.
DROP BY DROP.
I CAN'T! IT'S ALL RIGHT.
OH! GREAT SET.
YOU SHOWED THAT RUBBER BAND WHO WAS BOSS.
BUT YOU TOLD ME TO DO EIGHT TO 12 REPS.
I MAYBE DID ZERO TO ONE REPS-- IF YOU COUNT THAT LAST ONE.
EVERY DROP COUNTS, MRS.
HILL.
YOU'RE WEARING DOWN THE ROCK.
AND BY THE WAY, I CHECKED.
WE WERE BOTH RIGHT.
IT WAS 200 MILLION YEARS.
Hank: SO HOW WAS REHAB? I STRETCHED A RUBBER BAND TODAY.
HEY, THAT'S GREAT.
OH, WHO AM I KIDDING? THAT RUBBER BAND KICKED MY ASS.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED.
YOU JUST GOT TO TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME LIKE THE DRUNKS DO.
HANK, I JUST WANT TO GO TO SLEEP.
FETAL POSITION, PLEASE.
HEY, YEAH.
OH, YEAH! WHAT? I-I JUST I AW WHY DALE, I JUST GET SO LONELY AND WE BOTH LIKE PLAYING BOGGLE.
'COURSE, SHE ALWAYS WINS, DOESN'T SHE? SHE PLEASE DON'T TELL HANK.
I WANT HER FOR THE CARPOOL LANE.
( honking ) OKAY! OH! OH ( laughing ) THAT WHAT THEY BEEN TEACHING YOU IN REHAB, HANK'S WIFE? OKAY, COTTON, YOU HAVE HAD YOUR FUN.
NOW, WHY DON'T YOU HELP ME INTO MY CHAIR? WHY DON'T YOU HELP YOURSELF? WELL, I AM TRYING.
DON'T YOU THINK I AM TRYING? I CAN'T.
BECAUSE YOU'RE WEAK.
YOU AIN'T GOT THE GUTS.
YOU DON'T DESERVE TO WALK AGAIN.
PEGGY HILL? ( horn honking ) SHE'LL BE RIGHT THERE! YOU WANT TO WASTE YOUR TIME IN A REHAB GET IN YOUR CHAIR AND GO.
YOU SADISTIC SON OF A WHAT ARE YOU ON YOUR KNEES FOR, WOMAN? PRAYING AIN'T GOING TO HELP.
IF GOD LOVED YOU HE'D HAVE OPENED YOUR SISSY CHUTE.
YOU SHUT UP, YOU ( grunting ) HOO-YEAH! ( horn honking ) TEACH ME TO WALK.
YOU READY TO HATE ME MORE THAN YOU EVER HATED ANYONE IN YOUR LIFE? I ALREADY DO.
THEN WE'RE HALFWAY THERE.
DON'T YOU EYEBALL ME! DON'T LOOK AWAY! SITTING THERE ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY IN YOUR WHEELCHAIR LIKE YOU'RE SOME FRANKLIN DEE-ELEANOR ROOSEVELT.
WELL, I GOTS A TELEGRAM FOR YOU.
YOU'RE NO F.
D.
R.
STOP! YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME.
STOP! I'M NOT EVEN SURE YOU WANT TO WALK.
WELL, COTTON, OF COURSE, I DO.
THEN TELL ME YOU WANT TO WALK.
I WANT TO WALK.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I WANT TO WALK.
WHAT'S THAT? I WANT TO WALK! GOOD.
NOW SHINE MY BOOTS AND MAKE THEM ALL SPARKLY.
I'M GOING TO BE BURIED IN THOSE NAZZY STOMPERS AT THE TEXAS STATE CEMETERY.
THAT'S WHERE OUR GOVERNMENT INTERS ITS WAR HEROES.
"INTERS" MEANS "BURY.
" WAR HERO? WHO'S THAT? MEANS ME.
THEY'RE LETTING YOU IN THERE? WELL, FIRST, I GOTS TO DIE.
BUT BEFORE THAT, I GOTS TO FILL OUT AN APPLICATION AND BE APPROVED BY A DAMN COMMISSION.
I KILLED FITTY MEN AND NOW I GOT TO GO BEGGING FOR A WAR HERO'S GRAVE? IT AIN'T RIGHT.
MY ARMS ARE TIRED.
AND I WAS TIRED, TOO, WHEN I WAS ORDERED TO RETAKE MUNDA AIRFIELD IN THE SOLOMON ISLANDS BUT I RETOOK IT ANYWAY.
TOJO HAD A MACHINE GUN NEST HIGH UP ON A HILL-- HAD MY WHOLE UNIT PINNED DOWN.
SO I SNUCK MYSELF BEHIND ENEMY LINES IN A 55-GALLON DRUM OF SAKI.
HELD MY BREATH TILL THEY GOT GOOD AND DRUNK, AND THEN I JUMPED OU SPITTING ALCOHOL INTO MY ZIPPO.
YEP.
I HIBACHI'D THE WHOLE SQUAD.
COME ON, LADY, MAKE THEM SHINE.
( hocks and spits ) WELL, YOU JUST SHAVED TWO MINUTES OFF MY COMMUTE.
MM.
THANKS, PEGGY.
AAH! UH PLEASE DON'T TELL HANK.
JUST DISRESPECTFUL, TALKIN' ABOUT JUST LIKE BILL DAUTERVIVE, MAN.
NOT ANGRY, MAN, JUST VERY DANG DISAPPOINTED, MAN.
VERY.
PLAYTIME'S OVER, HANK'S WIFE.
( baby crying ) AW, NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DONE.
HE'S CRYING.
COO-COO-CA-CA! COO-GA-GA-GA-GA! OH, POOR LITTLE BABY'S SITTING ON A FRESH GRENADE.
NOBODY LIKES THAT.
WELL, I CAN'T GET TO HIM.
CRAWL, DAMN IT, CRAWL.
GUAM, 1944.
I CRAWLED THROUGH A MINEFIELD TO RETRIEVE GENERAL MacARTHUR'S CORNCOB PIPE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M A HERO.
THEY'RE GOING TO BURY ME IN THE TEXAS STATE CEMETERY.
YOU? YOU'RE A COWARD.
THEY'LL BURY YOU UP ON COWARD'S HILL.
I AM NOT A COWARD! ( laughing ) WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SWATTING FLIES OR JUST WAVING HELLO? WELL, HELLO TO YOU, TOO, YOU FLY-SWATTING LOSER.
NOW MOVE IT! COLONEL.
I THINK THE BABY'S CRYING.
WELL, GOOD JOB.
THOSE PARENTING CLASSES ARE STARTING TO PAY OFF.
THANK YOU.
WELL, I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG ABOUT THE STEAKS HERE BUT, UH, DAD, YOU CAN TAKE OUT YOUR TEETH.
SHOULDN'T WE WAIT FOR AUNT PEGGY TO GET BACK FROM REHAB? ( gasps ) OH, MY GOD.
WAS IT MY TURN TO PICK HER UP? NO, SHE QUIT THE REHAB.
SHE WHAT? YEP.
I'M IN CHARGE NOW.
SHE'S MAKING GOOD PROGRESS-- DON'T NEED HER WHEELCHAIR NO MORE.
( scraping ) ( grunting ) OH, MY GOD! PEGGY! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY WIFE? TURNED HER INTO A HIGHLY TRAINED HIGHLY MOTIVATED FIGHTING MACHINE.
Hank: THIS IS CRAZY, DAD.
YOU'RE NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL.
FIRST THING TOMORROW WE'RE GOING BACK TO REHAB.
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? YOU WANT TO DROP OUT OF THE PROGRAM? SIR, NO, SIR! GOOD EFFORT.
HAVE SOME CHOW.
Peggy: HANK, THIS STEAK IS SO TENDER.
Cotton: HAD TO GET YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE! NOTHING THERE BUT GIRLS AND BABIES.
I'M REFERRING TO YOUR HUSBAND.
THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT YOU HERE.
MEET THE GREATEST COLLECTION OF SOLDIERS THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER KNOWN-- STINKY, FATTY STINKY, BROOKLYN STINKY, BROOKLYN FATTY, FATTY AND DOC.
OH, AND IRWIN LINKER.
MEN HAVE FOUGHT AND DIED FOR THE FLAG AND NOW WE'RE GIVING YOU THE HONOR OF RAISING IT.
SHOW US HOW A REAL HERO STARTS HIS DAY.
OH, HOW MANY BOOTS DID YOU SHINE? YOUR ARMS IS STILL FLABBY.
YOU DONE LEFT OLD GLORY AT HALF-MAST! ( veterans booing ) WELL, WHO DIED? IS IT YOU? ARE YOU DYING ON ME? GO AHEAD, 'CAUSE YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE YOU WORTHLESS ( laughing ) WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? THAT GAL MIGHT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES AFTER ALL.
( veterans cheering ) NOW RAISE THAT FLAG.
( grunting ) ( veterans cheering ) PEGGY, I'M SETTING THE ALARM FOR 7:00.
DANG IT.
NOPE.
SET IT FOR 5:30.
COTTON WANTS ME TO CUT BACK ON MY SLEEP.
SAYS IT'S MAKING ME SOFT.
AH, PEGGY, YOU REMEMBER HOW YOU'VE ALWAYS HATED MY FATHER? WELL, I'VE NEVER WANTED TO SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS, BUT, UH I THINK MY DAD IS NOT TOO FOND OF YOU, EITHER PRETTY MUCH.
UH, I'M JUST AFRAID HE'S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOUR CONDITION TO, UH WELL, I DON'T KNOW-- TORTURE YOU OR SOMETHING? OH, HANK, HE'S NOT TORTURING ME.
THE MAN IS INSPIRING ME.
AND WITH HIS HELP, PEGGY HILL IS DOING THINGS I COULD NEVER HAVE DONE ON HER OWN.
THAT'S WHY I'M HELPING HIM WITH HIS APPLICATION.
DID HE EVER TELL YOU HE SURVIVED EIGHT DAYS IN A LIFE RAFT BY TRAPPING RAINWATER IN HIS UPTURNED EYELIDS? ( sighs ) YEAH, HE MIGHT HAVE MENTIONED THAT ONCE OR TWICE.
MAY 2, '45, DURING THE BATTLE FOR OKINAWA COTTON INVENTED A BAYONET TECHNIQUE THAT IS STILL USED TO GUT MEN TODAY.
APRIL 30, '45, AT THE OCCUPATION OF MUNICH HOLD ON A MINUTE.
MUNICH, GERMANY? YES, HANK.
WELL, HOW DID MY DAD FIGHT IN GERMANY AND JAPAN AT THE SAME TIME? WELL, LET'S SEE.
APRIL 30, MAY 2-- THAT'S TWO WHOLE DAYS.
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO KILL 50 MEN? WELL, LET'S GET TO WORK.
COME ON.
GRAB SOME FLOOR.
HOLD ON, COTTON.
I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS YOU DON'T ASK ME QUESTIONS.
I ASK THE QUESTIONS AROUND HERE.
LIKE, MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? YOU CRAWLED YESTERDAY.
NOW COME AT ME.
LIKE ON OKINAWA, WHEN THE TOJOS CAME AT ME FASTER THAN I COULD GO GUT THEM SO I HAD TO GUT THEM FASTER.
YOU WERE NEVER ON OKINAWA.
YES, I WAS.
THEN YOU WERE NEVER IN MUNICH! YES, I WAS.
MORNING, HANK.
SCRAMBLED.
BLACK.
SPORTS PAGE.
YOU GOT FIVE MINUTES.
OH, GOD! IT WAS ALL LIES.
WHY DID I EVER BELIEVE HIM? WHY DID I EVER THINK THAT I COULD WALK? DON'T TALK LIKE THAT, PEGGY.
SO I WAS RIGHT.
THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT NOW.
WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THA YOU GET RIGHT BACK UP ON THAT HORSE.
THERE YOU GO! HEH.
PASS ME COTTON'S APPLICATION.
HE MAY ROT IN HELL BUT HE WILL NOT ROT IN THE TEXAS STATE CEMETERY.
COLONEL, FROM YOUR DRESS AND DEMEANOR CAN I ASSUME YOU'RE ABOUT TO TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE IN A CHEAP MOTEL ROOM WITH YOUR SERVICE REVOLVER? NO CIGAR, GRIBBLE.
I'M HEADED OVER TO THE TEXAS STATE CEMETERY.
YOU CAN'T WEAR THAT TO MY HEARING.
DON'T WORRY, COTTON.
I WON'T.
WELL, GOOD.
SO CHANGE AND MEET ME THERE.
AND SHOW SOME LEG.
THEY AIN'T GOT MUCH TONE, BUT GAMS IS GAMS.
LET'S GO, HANK.
I JUST TALKED TO RAMSEY.
HE SAID HE'LL TAKE YOU BACK, BUT HE'S GOT TO WARN YOU-- MRS.
FLORES IS ALREADY COMBING HER OWN HAIR SO DON'T GET JEALOUS.
WHO'S READY TO FOR A SPONGE BATH? YO.
LET'S SEE BICEP CURLS.
WHERE DID WE LEAVE OFF? FIVE POUNDS.
I'D LIKE THE HALF-POUNDERS, PLEASE.
OKAY.
LET'S GET BUSY.
( chuckles ) JUST KIDDING.
LET'S TAKE IT SLOW.
FOR YOUR PORTRAYAL OF DR.
JERRY KENDERSON ON TV'S DALLAS, 1984 TO 1986 WE PROUDLY ASSIGN YOU, BARRY JENNER CEMETERY PLOT 4, SECTION K.
OH, THANK YOU.
AW! THEY'RE GOING TO RUN OUT OF GRAVES Chairman: THAT CONCLUDES TODAY'S BUSINESS.
THE TEXAS STATE CEMETERY COMMISSION WILL RECONVENE IN SIX MONTHS HOLD ON! YOU FELLAS GOT ONE MORE MAN TO BURY.
ALL RIGHT.
PASS UP YOUR APPLICATION.
OH, I DON'T HAVE IT ON ME AT THE MOMENT.
IT'S BEING CRIPPLED OVER.
GIVE ME ANOTHER MINUTE.
PLEASE.
I'M AFRAID THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
NO! NO! NO! NOT THE GAVEL.
DON'T BANG THE ( screams ) DOESN'T COUNT.
MEETING IS NOT ADJOURNED.
WAY TO GO, PEGGY.
YOU'RE DOING JUST GREAT.
WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME?! WHAT WAS I THINKING? MUNICH? RAT TAILS? HE'S NO HERO.
HE WAS JUST TORTURING ME.
HE IS A COMPLETE FRAUD.
( mumbling ) WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU MUTTERING? ARE YOU ACTUALLY TRYING TO DEFEND HIM? ( sighs ) I SAID THAT "FRAUD" USED TO BE SIX-FOOT-FOUR.
SO? WHEN HE CAME BACK FROM THE PACIFIC HE WAS FIVE-FOOT EVEN.
A JAPANESE MACHINE GUN BLEW AWAY HIS SHINS.
THE DOCTOR SAID HE'D NEVER WALK AGAIN.
18 MONTHS LATER HE WALKED RIGHT OVER TO THAT DOCTOR REACHED UP AND PUNCHED HIM IN THE KIDNEYS.
NOW, I CAN'T PROVE WHAT HE DID AT THOSE BATTLES.
IN FACT, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THAT PART ABOUT HITTING THE DOCTOR IS TRUE BUT I DO KNOW THAT MY DAD DOESN'T HAVE SHINS AND SOMEHOW, HE WALKS AND THAT'S PRETTY HEROIC TO ME AND THAT IS WHAT I WAS MUTTERING.
I'M AN OLD MAN.
I'VE GOT A NEWBORN SON.
I CAN'T LET HIM VISIT ME IN A CIVILIAN CEMETERY.
WHAT KIND OF PLACE IS THAT FOR A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY? Peggy: MR.
CHAIRMAN, THE CHAIR RECOGNIZES MRS.
PEGGY HILL.
IN DEFERENCE TO THE COMMITTEE'S BUSY SCHEDULE, I HAVE CHOSEN TO HIGHLIGHT ONLY A FEW OF COTTON HILL'S MANY ACTS OF BRAVERY AT GUAM, THE SOLOMON ISLANDS, SARDINIA AND OKINAWA.
Cotton: DANG IT, WOMAN! YOU FORGOT MUNICH.
YOU WERE NEVER IN MUNICH.
I WASN'T? OH.
DAD "STEPHEN AUSTIN.
" IS THAT THE BIONIC GUY OR THE WRESTLER? Cotton: I FOUND IT! IT'S A LOVELY GRAVE, COTTON.
YOU DESERVE IT.
AIN'T YOU COMING, HANK'S WIFE? THAT'S OKAY.
I CAN SEE IT FROM HERE.
NOT THE SAME.
OUT OF THE CHAIR.
LET'S GO.
START CLIMBING.
BUT I I CAN'T.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU CAN'T? YOU MEAN YOU WON' 'CAUSE YOU'RE WEAK AND LAZY.
( laughing ): COTTON, PLEASE I CLIMBED THE CLIFFS OF NORMANDY WITH A 50-POUND ICE-CREAM MAKER STRAPPED TO MY BACK AND YOU'RE TELLING ME, YOU CAN'T CLIMB A STUPID LITTLE HILL? ALL RIGHT, COTTON.
LOOK, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING BUT I AM VERY TIRED YOU GET TO THE TOP OF THAT HILL AND I'LL LET YOU DANCE ON MY GRAVE.
OH! LET'S GO! ( grunting ) MOVE IT! MOVE IT! COME ON! COME ON! ( panting ) COTTON, MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE? Cotton: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
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