King of the Hill s04e11 Episode Script
Old Glory
1 OH, SHOOT.
OKAY, NO PROBLEM.
THE EXCLAMATION POINT IS A CRUTCH ANYWAY.
( gasps ) MAYBE THAT'S A CLEVER MUSING.
MOM, I'M HOME FROM SCHOOL.
I THINK I'M GOING TO SOAK MY FEET.
TOUGH DAY, BOBBY? EH.
WE GOT THIS NEW SUB WHO WHAT'S HER NAME? MRS.
DONOVAN.
DONOVAN? SHE HAS BEEN OUT OF THE GAME FOR THREE YEARS GETTING HER MASTER'S DEGREE OR SOMETHING.
WHY WOULD THEY PICK HER INSTEAD OF ME? MAYBE IT'S ALPHABETICAL.
NO.
THAT WAS STRUCK DOWN IN ZAGARELLO v.
STATE OF TEXAS.
OH, JUST LIKE DONOVAN TO SWIPE MY GIG.
MEANTIME, I AM STUCK HERE ALL DAY GRUNTING OUT MUSINGS FOR TEN CENTS A WORD.
PLENTY OF ROOM IN THE SOAK BUCKET.
I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'VE HEARD SAID RUSKY'S ASS IS MIGHTY RED ( grunts ) I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD ESKIMO'S ASS IS MIGHTY COLD HEY THAT FLAG'S GETTING AWFULLY CLOSE TO THAT FIRE FOR MY COMFORT.
AND, UH FOR THE FLAG'S.
PURSUANT TO UNITED STATES CODE TITLE 36, SECTION 176(k), WHEN A FLAG BECOMES FADED AND WORN, IT IS BURNED WITH HONOR.
YEAH, BUT THAT'S THE FLAG I SALUTED FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.
I WAS HAZED UNDER THAT FLAG.
I WAS MARRIED UNDER THAT FLAG.
PERMISSION TO GIVE THIS FLAG A LOVING HOME, SIR? I WILL RAISE HER EVERY MORNING AT DAWN.
I WILL LOWER HER EVERY NIGHT BEFORE DUSK.
I WILL STORE HER DO YOU HAVE A 90-FOOT POLE? I'VE GOT A 40-FOOT POLE, SIR.
WELL, I'LL GO TO HOME DEPOT, SIR.
Woman: I HAVE YOUR ESSAYS.
NORMALLY, I TRY NOT TO GIVE TOO MANY As BUT THIS TIME IT DIDN'T REALLY COME UP.
( groans ) YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, MRS.
DONOVAN? NO.
I JUST WANTED TO CONFIRM THAT YOU CAN READ.
OH.
Hank: HANK, IT IS NOT ENTIRELY BOBBY'S FAULT.
THAT DONOVAN HAS HAD IT IN FOR ME EVER SINCE I WAS ASSIGNED THE PARKING SPACE UNDER THE TREE.
SHE HATES ME AND IS JUST TAKING IT OUT ON YOU.
NO.
TH THIS IS NOT AN "F" PAPER.
IT IS A SOLID "D.
" WHAT DOES IT MATTER? MRS.
DONOVAN'S MAKING ME COME UP WITH A NEW TOPIC AND SHE'LL PROBABLY GIVE ME ANOTHER "F" THANKS TO YOU, MOM.
Bill: IT'S MAGNIFICENT.
WIND.
NO.
FLAG.
MOM, DAD I FINALLY PICKED MY ESSAY TOPIC.
"WHY BOBBY HILL LOVES AMERICA.
" I'D LIKE TO SEE YOUR TEACHER GIVE AN "F" TO THE U.
S.
OF A.
HANK, THAT WOMAN COULD FAIL ICE CUBES TO THE ESKIMOS.
HOW'S IT GOING, HONEY? NOT SO GOOD.
( groans ) MOM DO YOU HAVE TROUBLE GETTING STARTING WHEN YOU WRITE YOUR MUSINGS? ( laughing ) NO.
NO, NOT AT ALL.
I JUST SIT DOWN AND I WRITE WHAT I FEEL.
I "PEGGY HILL" THE HECK OUT OF IT.
OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO NEED AN OPENING LINE-- ONE THAT'S GOING TO GRAB PEOPLE'S ATTENTION.
UM ANYTHING.
UM OOH! HOW ABOUT, UM "U.
S.
A.
" STANDS FOR "UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
" OH, THAT'S CRAPPY! I'M GOING TO GET ANOTHER "F.
" WELL, WITH THAT ATTITUDE AND A POORLY WRITTEN ESSAY, YES.
YOU HAVE GOT A GREAT ATTITUDE, MOM.
YOU COULD PROBABLY WRITE A GREAT ESSAY.
ONLY BECAUSE I AM A PROFESSIONAL WRITER.
NOW, LET'S SEE.
HOW ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE IF YOU TAKE THE "U" OUT OF "U.
S.
A.
" WHAT DO YOU GET? "S.
A"-- AN ESSAY THAT WILL EXPLAIN TO "U" WHY BOBBY HILL LOVES AMERICA.
MOM, YOU ARE ON A ROLL! ( laughing ): OH, WELL BOBBY, GET ME A SODA.
( warbling ) ( laughing ): OH, PEGGY.
MOM? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU'RE NOT TEACHING TODAY.
NO, I WASN'T ASKED TO.
I THOUGHT I WOULD STOP BY AND SEE IF MRS.
DONOVAN GOT A CHANCE TO GRADE YOUR ESSAY.
DID SHE? HELLO, PEGGY.
PEGGY.
LISTEN, UH, MY SON WANTED ME TO ASK YOU IF YOU GOT A CHANCE TO GRADE HIS ESSAY.
HMM? OH.
NO, I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE YET.
YOU KNOW, A QUICK TURNAROUND WHEN MARKING A STUDENT'S PAPER IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF TEACHING.
YES.
WELL, I WISH I COULD STAY AND CHA BUT I'VE GOT TO TEACH A CLASS.
AND YOU? I COULD STAY AND CHAT.
( gasping ): OH! BOBBY, UH, MAY I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU? Peggy: HONEY, BOBBY YOU FORGOT YOUR PENCIL THIS MORNING.
OH.
AS DID I.
OH, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
I WAS JUST ABOUT TO RETURN YOUR SON'S ESSAY.
WOW! AN "A"! ( quietly ): OH, YEAH! SO, JUST AN "A"? NOT AN A-PLUS? YOU HAVE TO TELL ME HOW YOU CAME UP WITH THAT OPENING LINE.
WELL, WHEN I WELL I'M GOING TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, MRS.
DONOVAN.
I WAS STUCK, SO I WENT TO MY, UH WELL HUH, ALL I DID WAS THAT CAME TO ME WHILE I WAS TAKING A BATH.
I FIND MY BEST IDEAS COME TO ME WHILE I AM SOAKING IN THE TUB SIPPING ON A CUP OF COCOA.
WELL, THAT'S VERY INTERESTING BECAUSE WHEN I AM STUCK ON A MUSING COLUMN WHAT I LIKE TO DO IS FIND SOMEONE HELPFUL TO BOUNCE IDEAS OFF OF.
EH, THAT'S NOT REALLY MY STYLE.
WHAT WORKS FOR ME, SEE, IS THE COCOA.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A WRITER, BOBBY.
YOUR MOTHER'S JUST A MUSER.
IT LOOKS LIKE THE TORCH HAS BEEN PASSED AND IT HAS FINALLY BEEN LIT.
"CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE" IS NOT JUST A PHRASE FOR BANKERS AND LAWYERS.
( groans ) GOOD, BUT NOT GREAT.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET BOBBY TO HELP YOU? HE GOT AN "A" AUNT PEGGY.
LET'S BE HONEST-- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME ME OR YOU GOT AN "A"? MAY 24, 1974.
I FIND THAT ADVERBS ARE OVERRATED AND THAT YOUR ADJECTIVES ARE YOUR GO-TO GUYS.
HEY THERE'S MY LITTLE SHAKESPEARE.
WE'VE GOT A PEP RALLY COMING UP AND I WANT YOU TO READ THAT ESSAY OF YOURS TO THE CHILDREN.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN.
HANK, TAKE A LOOK AT THESE AND TELL ME I'M NOT CRAZY.
"MY HUSBAND'S LOVE AFFAIR WITH BEER AND WHY I'M NOT JEALOUS.
" HM.
WELL, I DO LIKE BEER.
MM-HMM.
I THOUGHT IT WAS GREAT, TOO BUT APPARENTLY THE ARTS EDITOR OF THE ARLEN BYSTANDER THINKS PEOPLE ARE MUCH MORE INTERESTED IN CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS THAN IN READING MY MUSINGS.
THEY STOPPED RUNNING YOUR MUSINGS? OH, HANK, THEY THINK THE PUBLIC DOESN'T CARE WHAT IS ON MY MIND.
DON'T GIVE UP, PEGGY.
HEY, LOOK AT BOBBY-- HE GOT AN "F" AND BOUNCED RIGHT BACK.
THIS IS LIKE AN "F" FOR YOU.
ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS FIND A GOOD TOPIC LIKE BOBBY DID.
THOUGH I WOULDN'T GO NEAR THE FLAG.
BOBBY'S PRETTY MUCH WRITTEN THE FINAL WORD ON THAT.
I WROTE BOBBY'S ESSAY.
WHAT? NO, NO.
THAT FLAG INSPIRED BOBBY TO GREATER HEIGHTS.
IT WAS ALL ME.
YOU WROTE THE WHOLE THING? YOU KNOW, HE HAS NEVER EVEN THANKED ME-- NOT ONCE-- AND WOULD IT KILL HIM TO SAY TO PEOPLE "MY MOM HELPED ME WITH THAT LINE" OR "MY MOM WROTE THAT ESSAY; I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT"? WELL, I AGREE HE SHOULDN'T TAKE CREDI BUT YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE WRITTEN IT FOR HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE.
FROM WHERE I'M SITTING, YOU BOTH SCREWED UP.
NOW, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? WELL, I CANNOT SPEAK FOR BOBBY WELL, YOU HAVE NO PROBLEM WRITING FOR HIM.
DAMN STRAIGHT.
I GOT AN "A.
" ( mumbling ) GWYNETH SOUPHANOUSINPHONE WHERE'S MY LUNCH?! KAHN, WAKE UP.
IT'S 10:30.
YOU'RE LATE FOR WORK! WHA MIHN, IT'S STILL DARK OUT.
( screams ) Bill: KAHN YOU TOUCH THAT FLAG AND THAT'LL BE THE LAST THING YOU EVER TOUCH.
AH AH AH ( Bill shrieking ) ( inarticulate yelling ) HEY, BOBBY.
HEY, CLARK.
I'VE NEVER SAID ANYTHING BUT I REALLY ADMIRE YOUR WRITING.
UH-HUH.
IF I HAD A GIFT LIKE YOURS, I'D SHARE IT.
THAT'S NICE.
"MY FAVORITE HOBBY.
" IT'S DUE THURSDAY.
I'LL TURN IT IN FRIDAY SO THEY DON'T GET SUSPICIOUS.
YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME? YEAH, WELL, EVERYONE'S ASKING ME TO HELP THEM WITH THEIR PAPERS BECAUSE WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M THE BEST WRITER IN SCHOOL.
REALLY? WELL, YOU ARE NOT THE BEST WRITER IN THE SCHOOL.
I AM.
I WROTE THAT ESSAY-- ME.
I NEVER SAID YOU DIDN'T.
YES, YOU DID.
NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND I HAVE TO GET BACK TO MY MUSINGS COLUMN BECAUSE NO ONE IS GOING TO WRITE IT FOR ME.
I THOUGHT THE BYSTANDER WASN'T RUNNING MUSINGS ANYMORE.
YES, WELL, IN THE TIME IT TOOK THEM TO TURN DOWN MY LAST BATCH I HAVE WRITTEN 185 MORE.
161 OF THOSE, BEING PURE GOLD.
THE REST ARE RESUBMISSIONS.
( grunting ) "IF YOU LIKE KNITTING, YOU'LL LOVE THIS YARN.
" ( chuckles ) CLARK PETERS, MY BOY, YOU FOUND YOUR HOBBY.
DID YOU READ THE BYSTANDER THIS MORNING, HANK? NO, NOT YET.
HUH, IT'S FRANK GORSHIN'S BIRTHDAY.
HE WAS THE RIDDLER, YOU KNOW.
NEXT TO THE BIRTHDAY COLUMN, HANK.
YOUR MUSINGS ARE BACK! HEY, GOOD FOR YOU, PEGGY.
HOW'D YOU DO IT? I BOUGHT AD SPACE.
UH HUH.
DAMN RIGHT.
LET THE READERS GET HOOKED AGAIN.
THAT'S WHEN I PULL THE AD AND WAIT FOR THE CALL.
MMM.
MM-HMM.
HMM, SO MANY PEOPLE LIKE TO KNIT.
OH, I SEE YOU READ MY COLUMN.
TWICE.
WELL, THANK YOU.
WOULD YOU MIND WRITING A LETTER TO THE EDITOR TO THAT EFFECT? WELL, IF I WRITE ONE FOR YOU I'D HAVE TO WRITE ONE FOR CLARK PETERS.
WELL, IF YOU THINK IT WOULD I DON'T FOLLOW.
IT SEEMS BOTH YOU AND CLARK PETERS BELIEVE THAT, QUOTE "WHEN IT COMES TO TEA COZIES IT'S EITHER CROCHET, OR THE HIGHWAY.
" NOW THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THE CLARK PETERS I KNOW.
THE CLARK PETERS I KNOW LIKES TO BURN THINGS.
OH, MY GOD.
I FEEL SO PLAGIARIZED.
PLAGIARISM.
THAT'S A SERIOUS ACCUSATION.
ONE YOU MIGHT HAVE TO LEVEL A MY ENTIRE SEVENTH GRADE CLASS, WHICH HAS TURNED IN PAPERS ON "NAPKIN RINGS, THOSE USEFUL THINGS" "AUTUMN, LOVE IT OR LEAF IT" AND MY FAVORITE-- "DID YOU KNOW EMILY'S HUSBAND IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH ROOT BEER?" DON'T WORRY, SHE'S NOT JEALOUS.
OBVIOUSLY, SOMEONE HAS HACKED INTO MY KAYPRO I CAN BELIEVE THAT.
OR I CAN BELIEVE THE NINE CHILDREN WHO TOLD ME BOBBY WROTE THEIR ESSAYS.
BOBBY HILL! GET OVER HERE! HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY MUSINGS! IT'S YOUR FAULT FOR WRITING MY FLAG ESSAY AND GETTING ME AN "A.
" NOBODY BOTHERED ME WHEN I WAS A "C" STUDENT.
BOBBY WELL, NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.
IF I MAY STEAL SOMETHING FROM YOUR MUSINGS THE SAUCE THICKENS.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, HUH? MONEY? I SPENT IT ALL ON THAT AD.
I THINK THE RIGHT THING TO DO WOULD BE TO APOLOGIZE.
RIGHT.
BOBBY TELL HER YOU'RE SORRY.
NO, NOT TO ME.
BUT TO THE ENTIRE STUDENT BODY.
AND WHAT BETTER PLACE THAN TOMORROW'S ASSEMBLY? I SUGGEST YOU EACH WRITE YOUR OWN APOLOGIES.
OTHERWISE I WILL FILE A FORMAL COMPLAIN WITH PRINCIPAL MOSS.
WHAT DID THEY TEACH YOU IN THAT GRADUATE SCHOOL? HOW TO SURVIVE.
I GUESS DEEP DOWN INSIDE PART OF ME ALWAYS KNEW I DIDN'T DESERVE THAT "A.
" OH, GOD, WHEN THOSE STUDENTS SEE ME ON STAGE THEY'RE GOING TO EXPECT ME TO RECEIVE ANOTHER SUBSTITUTE TEACHER OF THE YEAR AWARD NOT A SELF-ADMINISTERED TONGUE-LASHING.
UH-UH, I'M SORRY, I CANNOT DO IT.
I WON'T.
IT IS NOT FAIR TO THE STUDENTS.
WHAT YOU TWO DID WAS WRONG.
YOU'VE NOT ONLY DISGRACED THE FLAG YOU'VE DISGRACED THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS.
IF I WERE YOU, I'D START WRITING YOUR APOLOGIES.
AND IF I WERE YOU, I'D HIDE YOURS FROM BOBBY.
THIS IS ALL MY FAULT, MOM.
I'M SO SORRY.
I AM SORRY, TOO.
BUT I WILL BE DAMNED IF I'M GOING TO GET UP ON THAT STAGE AND APOLOGIZE TO THAT WOMAN.
WE HAVE NO CHOICE.
IF WE DON'T GO TO THE ASSEMBLY MRS.
DONOVAN'S GOING TO TURN US IN TO PRINCIPAL MOSS.
OH, DON'T WORRY, WE ARE GOING TO THAT ASSEMBLY AND WE ARE GOING TO PUT ON ONE HELL OF A SHOW.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? THOSE STUDENTS DON'T NEED AN APOLOGY THEY NEED SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN.
AND THAT'S WHAT WE'LL GIVE 'EM.
BOY LOVES HIS COUNTRY.
MOTHER LOVES HER SON.
IT'S AS AMERICAN AS APPLE PIE.
AND IF DONOVAN SAYS BOO, THEY'LL HANG HER FOR TREASON.
YEAH, I LOVE APPLE PIE.
THAT FLAG GOT US INTO THIS MESS AND THAT FLAG IS GOING TO GET US OUT.
AT TOMORROW'S ASSEMBLY WE WILL GIVE THOSE SAPS A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED STAR-SPANGLED SNOW JOB.
WE'LL SET IT ALL UP TONIGHT.
GET THE KEYS TO HIS TRUCK FROM HIS PANTS WHILE I DISTRACT HIM.
GO.
OH, HONEY, IS THE GROUT CRACKING AROUND THE TUB? WHAT? GOOD LORD! NOW, AT NIGHT, MR.
DAUTERIVE KEEPS THAT FLAG FOLDED IN HIS GARAGE.
SO IF WE ( gasps ) ( sneezes ) UH, ALL RIGHT, CHANGE IN PLAN.
I'VE TAKEN DOWN LAUNDRY; I CAN TAKE DOWN A FLAG.
AND I CAN DRIVE A TRUCK.
HOO-YAH! GO, BABY! OKAY, LITTLE MORE.
MORE KEEP COMING.
( metal clanking ) OW.
OKAY, YOU'RE FINE.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S FOLD AS WE GO.
AND REMEMBER WE ARE STEALING THIS FLAG, WE ARE NOT DISGRACING IT.
READY? OW! DO NOT LOOK OVER.
NO, THAT MAKES YOU LOOK GUILTY.
LOOK OVER.
PERFECT.
THE FLAG! QUICK, BOBBY, GET BACK IN THAT TRUCK.
WE HAVE GOT TO RETRACE OUR STEPS.
OH, NO! BOBBY, GET OUT AND CHECK.
OH, PLEASE LET IT BE A SPEED BUMP.
SPEED BUMP, COME ON, SPEED BUMP.
SPEED BUMP, RIGHT? NO, IT'S THE FLAG.
AND IT'S WRAPPED AROUND THE AXLE.
ALL RIGHT, SLOWLY DRIVE FORWARD.
( fabric ripping ) ( ripping continues ) OKAY, AND YOU'RE FREE.
WHEN YOU START YOUR SPEECH I'LL PULL A ROPE AND OLD GLORY WILL UNFURL BEHIND YOU.
THEN, HOLD FOR APPLAUSE.
WHEN WE GET THE MUSIC PUMPING AND THE DRY ICE ALL GOING AND THOSE FLARES ARE LI THEY WILL NOT KNOW WHAT HIT THEM.
I WANT TO SEE WHAT THE FLARES LOOK LIKE FROM THE BACK OF THE HOUSE.
LIGHT THE FLARES, BOBBY.
OH, THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL.
THIS IS GOING TO WORK.
( flames roar ) ( Bobby screams ) OH, GOD, NO! ( alarm rings ) BOBBY, SAVE THE FLAG! IT'S ALREADY BURNED AND WET.
WELL, JUST DON'T STAND THERE! RIP IT DOWN, AND LET'S GET OUT OF HERE! ( wailing ) ( sobbing ) WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL WOULD DO SUCH A THING? A BEAR? ( groan ) I PRESENT THIS FLAG FOR FINAL INSPECTION AND FITTING DISPOSAL, SIR.
HAS THIS FLAG BEEN INSPECTED BY THE SERGEANT AT ARMS? YES, SIR.
SERGEANT, WHAT DOES THE INSPECTION SHOW AND WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND? SINCE THIS FLAG HAS BECOME OLD, RIPPED WET, BURNED AND SOILED UPON IN A TRIBUTE OF SERVICE I RECOMMEND THAT IT FITTINGLY BE DESTROYED BY BURNING, SIR.
Moss: AND THE J.
V.
BASKETBALL TEAM COLLECTED $24.
60 WELL SHORT OF THEIR GOAL.
AND NOW IT'S MY HONOR AND PRIVILEGE TO INTRODUCE ONE OF T.
L.
M.
S.
's BEST AND BRIGHTEST.
LOOK OUT FOR THIS KID-- BOBBY HILL.
I GO AWAY FOR THREE YEARS AND YOU TAKE MY PARKING SPACE RIGHT FROM UNDER ME.
NO, MA'AM.
"I'M NOT A BANKER OR A LAWYER BUT I BELIEVE IN GIVING CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE.
" A GREAT WRITER WROTE THOSE WORDS-- MY MOM, PEGGY HILL.
SHE ALSO WROTE MY ESSAY AND MANY OF YOURS.
WHAT HAS THIS SCHOOL TAUGHT US ABOUT THE FLAG? I SAY THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE EVERY DAY BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.
I HEAR "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER" BEFORE EVERY FOOTBALL GAME BUT BY "O, SAY CAN YOU SEE" I'M LOOKING FOR THE GUY WITH THE PEANUTS.
BUT TODAY, I WATCHED A GROWN MAN CRY WHILE HIS FLAG BURNED.
AND WHEN I SAW HOW MUCH IT MEANT TO HIM I REALIZED HOW MUCH IT SHOULD HAVE MEANT TO ME.
SO TOMORROW, IF YOU'RE SITTING NEXT TO ME IN DETENTION AND ONE OF YOUR SPITBALLS COMES ANYWHERE NEAR THAT FLAG YOU'D BETTER WATCH YOUR BACK.
TOM LANDRY RULES! ( cheering ) GOD BLESS AMERICA.
THAT-THAT WAS TERRIFIC, BOBBY.
I CAN SEE WHY THAT GOT AN "A.
" ( groans ) NOW LET'S BRING ON THE MARCHING BAND.
BOBBY: WHAT WORKS FOR ME, SEE, IS THE COCOA.
OKAY, NO PROBLEM.
THE EXCLAMATION POINT IS A CRUTCH ANYWAY.
( gasps ) MAYBE THAT'S A CLEVER MUSING.
MOM, I'M HOME FROM SCHOOL.
I THINK I'M GOING TO SOAK MY FEET.
TOUGH DAY, BOBBY? EH.
WE GOT THIS NEW SUB WHO WHAT'S HER NAME? MRS.
DONOVAN.
DONOVAN? SHE HAS BEEN OUT OF THE GAME FOR THREE YEARS GETTING HER MASTER'S DEGREE OR SOMETHING.
WHY WOULD THEY PICK HER INSTEAD OF ME? MAYBE IT'S ALPHABETICAL.
NO.
THAT WAS STRUCK DOWN IN ZAGARELLO v.
STATE OF TEXAS.
OH, JUST LIKE DONOVAN TO SWIPE MY GIG.
MEANTIME, I AM STUCK HERE ALL DAY GRUNTING OUT MUSINGS FOR TEN CENTS A WORD.
PLENTY OF ROOM IN THE SOAK BUCKET.
I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'VE HEARD SAID RUSKY'S ASS IS MIGHTY RED ( grunts ) I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD ESKIMO'S ASS IS MIGHTY COLD HEY THAT FLAG'S GETTING AWFULLY CLOSE TO THAT FIRE FOR MY COMFORT.
AND, UH FOR THE FLAG'S.
PURSUANT TO UNITED STATES CODE TITLE 36, SECTION 176(k), WHEN A FLAG BECOMES FADED AND WORN, IT IS BURNED WITH HONOR.
YEAH, BUT THAT'S THE FLAG I SALUTED FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.
I WAS HAZED UNDER THAT FLAG.
I WAS MARRIED UNDER THAT FLAG.
PERMISSION TO GIVE THIS FLAG A LOVING HOME, SIR? I WILL RAISE HER EVERY MORNING AT DAWN.
I WILL LOWER HER EVERY NIGHT BEFORE DUSK.
I WILL STORE HER DO YOU HAVE A 90-FOOT POLE? I'VE GOT A 40-FOOT POLE, SIR.
WELL, I'LL GO TO HOME DEPOT, SIR.
Woman: I HAVE YOUR ESSAYS.
NORMALLY, I TRY NOT TO GIVE TOO MANY As BUT THIS TIME IT DIDN'T REALLY COME UP.
( groans ) YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, MRS.
DONOVAN? NO.
I JUST WANTED TO CONFIRM THAT YOU CAN READ.
OH.
Hank: HANK, IT IS NOT ENTIRELY BOBBY'S FAULT.
THAT DONOVAN HAS HAD IT IN FOR ME EVER SINCE I WAS ASSIGNED THE PARKING SPACE UNDER THE TREE.
SHE HATES ME AND IS JUST TAKING IT OUT ON YOU.
NO.
TH THIS IS NOT AN "F" PAPER.
IT IS A SOLID "D.
" WHAT DOES IT MATTER? MRS.
DONOVAN'S MAKING ME COME UP WITH A NEW TOPIC AND SHE'LL PROBABLY GIVE ME ANOTHER "F" THANKS TO YOU, MOM.
Bill: IT'S MAGNIFICENT.
WIND.
NO.
FLAG.
MOM, DAD I FINALLY PICKED MY ESSAY TOPIC.
"WHY BOBBY HILL LOVES AMERICA.
" I'D LIKE TO SEE YOUR TEACHER GIVE AN "F" TO THE U.
S.
OF A.
HANK, THAT WOMAN COULD FAIL ICE CUBES TO THE ESKIMOS.
HOW'S IT GOING, HONEY? NOT SO GOOD.
( groans ) MOM DO YOU HAVE TROUBLE GETTING STARTING WHEN YOU WRITE YOUR MUSINGS? ( laughing ) NO.
NO, NOT AT ALL.
I JUST SIT DOWN AND I WRITE WHAT I FEEL.
I "PEGGY HILL" THE HECK OUT OF IT.
OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO NEED AN OPENING LINE-- ONE THAT'S GOING TO GRAB PEOPLE'S ATTENTION.
UM ANYTHING.
UM OOH! HOW ABOUT, UM "U.
S.
A.
" STANDS FOR "UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
" OH, THAT'S CRAPPY! I'M GOING TO GET ANOTHER "F.
" WELL, WITH THAT ATTITUDE AND A POORLY WRITTEN ESSAY, YES.
YOU HAVE GOT A GREAT ATTITUDE, MOM.
YOU COULD PROBABLY WRITE A GREAT ESSAY.
ONLY BECAUSE I AM A PROFESSIONAL WRITER.
NOW, LET'S SEE.
HOW ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE IF YOU TAKE THE "U" OUT OF "U.
S.
A.
" WHAT DO YOU GET? "S.
A"-- AN ESSAY THAT WILL EXPLAIN TO "U" WHY BOBBY HILL LOVES AMERICA.
MOM, YOU ARE ON A ROLL! ( laughing ): OH, WELL BOBBY, GET ME A SODA.
( warbling ) ( laughing ): OH, PEGGY.
MOM? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU'RE NOT TEACHING TODAY.
NO, I WASN'T ASKED TO.
I THOUGHT I WOULD STOP BY AND SEE IF MRS.
DONOVAN GOT A CHANCE TO GRADE YOUR ESSAY.
DID SHE? HELLO, PEGGY.
PEGGY.
LISTEN, UH, MY SON WANTED ME TO ASK YOU IF YOU GOT A CHANCE TO GRADE HIS ESSAY.
HMM? OH.
NO, I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE YET.
YOU KNOW, A QUICK TURNAROUND WHEN MARKING A STUDENT'S PAPER IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF TEACHING.
YES.
WELL, I WISH I COULD STAY AND CHA BUT I'VE GOT TO TEACH A CLASS.
AND YOU? I COULD STAY AND CHAT.
( gasping ): OH! BOBBY, UH, MAY I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU? Peggy: HONEY, BOBBY YOU FORGOT YOUR PENCIL THIS MORNING.
OH.
AS DID I.
OH, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
I WAS JUST ABOUT TO RETURN YOUR SON'S ESSAY.
WOW! AN "A"! ( quietly ): OH, YEAH! SO, JUST AN "A"? NOT AN A-PLUS? YOU HAVE TO TELL ME HOW YOU CAME UP WITH THAT OPENING LINE.
WELL, WHEN I WELL I'M GOING TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, MRS.
DONOVAN.
I WAS STUCK, SO I WENT TO MY, UH WELL HUH, ALL I DID WAS THAT CAME TO ME WHILE I WAS TAKING A BATH.
I FIND MY BEST IDEAS COME TO ME WHILE I AM SOAKING IN THE TUB SIPPING ON A CUP OF COCOA.
WELL, THAT'S VERY INTERESTING BECAUSE WHEN I AM STUCK ON A MUSING COLUMN WHAT I LIKE TO DO IS FIND SOMEONE HELPFUL TO BOUNCE IDEAS OFF OF.
EH, THAT'S NOT REALLY MY STYLE.
WHAT WORKS FOR ME, SEE, IS THE COCOA.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A WRITER, BOBBY.
YOUR MOTHER'S JUST A MUSER.
IT LOOKS LIKE THE TORCH HAS BEEN PASSED AND IT HAS FINALLY BEEN LIT.
"CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE" IS NOT JUST A PHRASE FOR BANKERS AND LAWYERS.
( groans ) GOOD, BUT NOT GREAT.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET BOBBY TO HELP YOU? HE GOT AN "A" AUNT PEGGY.
LET'S BE HONEST-- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME ME OR YOU GOT AN "A"? MAY 24, 1974.
I FIND THAT ADVERBS ARE OVERRATED AND THAT YOUR ADJECTIVES ARE YOUR GO-TO GUYS.
HEY THERE'S MY LITTLE SHAKESPEARE.
WE'VE GOT A PEP RALLY COMING UP AND I WANT YOU TO READ THAT ESSAY OF YOURS TO THE CHILDREN.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN.
HANK, TAKE A LOOK AT THESE AND TELL ME I'M NOT CRAZY.
"MY HUSBAND'S LOVE AFFAIR WITH BEER AND WHY I'M NOT JEALOUS.
" HM.
WELL, I DO LIKE BEER.
MM-HMM.
I THOUGHT IT WAS GREAT, TOO BUT APPARENTLY THE ARTS EDITOR OF THE ARLEN BYSTANDER THINKS PEOPLE ARE MUCH MORE INTERESTED IN CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS THAN IN READING MY MUSINGS.
THEY STOPPED RUNNING YOUR MUSINGS? OH, HANK, THEY THINK THE PUBLIC DOESN'T CARE WHAT IS ON MY MIND.
DON'T GIVE UP, PEGGY.
HEY, LOOK AT BOBBY-- HE GOT AN "F" AND BOUNCED RIGHT BACK.
THIS IS LIKE AN "F" FOR YOU.
ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS FIND A GOOD TOPIC LIKE BOBBY DID.
THOUGH I WOULDN'T GO NEAR THE FLAG.
BOBBY'S PRETTY MUCH WRITTEN THE FINAL WORD ON THAT.
I WROTE BOBBY'S ESSAY.
WHAT? NO, NO.
THAT FLAG INSPIRED BOBBY TO GREATER HEIGHTS.
IT WAS ALL ME.
YOU WROTE THE WHOLE THING? YOU KNOW, HE HAS NEVER EVEN THANKED ME-- NOT ONCE-- AND WOULD IT KILL HIM TO SAY TO PEOPLE "MY MOM HELPED ME WITH THAT LINE" OR "MY MOM WROTE THAT ESSAY; I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT"? WELL, I AGREE HE SHOULDN'T TAKE CREDI BUT YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE WRITTEN IT FOR HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE.
FROM WHERE I'M SITTING, YOU BOTH SCREWED UP.
NOW, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? WELL, I CANNOT SPEAK FOR BOBBY WELL, YOU HAVE NO PROBLEM WRITING FOR HIM.
DAMN STRAIGHT.
I GOT AN "A.
" ( mumbling ) GWYNETH SOUPHANOUSINPHONE WHERE'S MY LUNCH?! KAHN, WAKE UP.
IT'S 10:30.
YOU'RE LATE FOR WORK! WHA MIHN, IT'S STILL DARK OUT.
( screams ) Bill: KAHN YOU TOUCH THAT FLAG AND THAT'LL BE THE LAST THING YOU EVER TOUCH.
AH AH AH ( Bill shrieking ) ( inarticulate yelling ) HEY, BOBBY.
HEY, CLARK.
I'VE NEVER SAID ANYTHING BUT I REALLY ADMIRE YOUR WRITING.
UH-HUH.
IF I HAD A GIFT LIKE YOURS, I'D SHARE IT.
THAT'S NICE.
"MY FAVORITE HOBBY.
" IT'S DUE THURSDAY.
I'LL TURN IT IN FRIDAY SO THEY DON'T GET SUSPICIOUS.
YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME? YEAH, WELL, EVERYONE'S ASKING ME TO HELP THEM WITH THEIR PAPERS BECAUSE WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M THE BEST WRITER IN SCHOOL.
REALLY? WELL, YOU ARE NOT THE BEST WRITER IN THE SCHOOL.
I AM.
I WROTE THAT ESSAY-- ME.
I NEVER SAID YOU DIDN'T.
YES, YOU DID.
NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND I HAVE TO GET BACK TO MY MUSINGS COLUMN BECAUSE NO ONE IS GOING TO WRITE IT FOR ME.
I THOUGHT THE BYSTANDER WASN'T RUNNING MUSINGS ANYMORE.
YES, WELL, IN THE TIME IT TOOK THEM TO TURN DOWN MY LAST BATCH I HAVE WRITTEN 185 MORE.
161 OF THOSE, BEING PURE GOLD.
THE REST ARE RESUBMISSIONS.
( grunting ) "IF YOU LIKE KNITTING, YOU'LL LOVE THIS YARN.
" ( chuckles ) CLARK PETERS, MY BOY, YOU FOUND YOUR HOBBY.
DID YOU READ THE BYSTANDER THIS MORNING, HANK? NO, NOT YET.
HUH, IT'S FRANK GORSHIN'S BIRTHDAY.
HE WAS THE RIDDLER, YOU KNOW.
NEXT TO THE BIRTHDAY COLUMN, HANK.
YOUR MUSINGS ARE BACK! HEY, GOOD FOR YOU, PEGGY.
HOW'D YOU DO IT? I BOUGHT AD SPACE.
UH HUH.
DAMN RIGHT.
LET THE READERS GET HOOKED AGAIN.
THAT'S WHEN I PULL THE AD AND WAIT FOR THE CALL.
MMM.
MM-HMM.
HMM, SO MANY PEOPLE LIKE TO KNIT.
OH, I SEE YOU READ MY COLUMN.
TWICE.
WELL, THANK YOU.
WOULD YOU MIND WRITING A LETTER TO THE EDITOR TO THAT EFFECT? WELL, IF I WRITE ONE FOR YOU I'D HAVE TO WRITE ONE FOR CLARK PETERS.
WELL, IF YOU THINK IT WOULD I DON'T FOLLOW.
IT SEEMS BOTH YOU AND CLARK PETERS BELIEVE THAT, QUOTE "WHEN IT COMES TO TEA COZIES IT'S EITHER CROCHET, OR THE HIGHWAY.
" NOW THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THE CLARK PETERS I KNOW.
THE CLARK PETERS I KNOW LIKES TO BURN THINGS.
OH, MY GOD.
I FEEL SO PLAGIARIZED.
PLAGIARISM.
THAT'S A SERIOUS ACCUSATION.
ONE YOU MIGHT HAVE TO LEVEL A MY ENTIRE SEVENTH GRADE CLASS, WHICH HAS TURNED IN PAPERS ON "NAPKIN RINGS, THOSE USEFUL THINGS" "AUTUMN, LOVE IT OR LEAF IT" AND MY FAVORITE-- "DID YOU KNOW EMILY'S HUSBAND IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH ROOT BEER?" DON'T WORRY, SHE'S NOT JEALOUS.
OBVIOUSLY, SOMEONE HAS HACKED INTO MY KAYPRO I CAN BELIEVE THAT.
OR I CAN BELIEVE THE NINE CHILDREN WHO TOLD ME BOBBY WROTE THEIR ESSAYS.
BOBBY HILL! GET OVER HERE! HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY MUSINGS! IT'S YOUR FAULT FOR WRITING MY FLAG ESSAY AND GETTING ME AN "A.
" NOBODY BOTHERED ME WHEN I WAS A "C" STUDENT.
BOBBY WELL, NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.
IF I MAY STEAL SOMETHING FROM YOUR MUSINGS THE SAUCE THICKENS.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, HUH? MONEY? I SPENT IT ALL ON THAT AD.
I THINK THE RIGHT THING TO DO WOULD BE TO APOLOGIZE.
RIGHT.
BOBBY TELL HER YOU'RE SORRY.
NO, NOT TO ME.
BUT TO THE ENTIRE STUDENT BODY.
AND WHAT BETTER PLACE THAN TOMORROW'S ASSEMBLY? I SUGGEST YOU EACH WRITE YOUR OWN APOLOGIES.
OTHERWISE I WILL FILE A FORMAL COMPLAIN WITH PRINCIPAL MOSS.
WHAT DID THEY TEACH YOU IN THAT GRADUATE SCHOOL? HOW TO SURVIVE.
I GUESS DEEP DOWN INSIDE PART OF ME ALWAYS KNEW I DIDN'T DESERVE THAT "A.
" OH, GOD, WHEN THOSE STUDENTS SEE ME ON STAGE THEY'RE GOING TO EXPECT ME TO RECEIVE ANOTHER SUBSTITUTE TEACHER OF THE YEAR AWARD NOT A SELF-ADMINISTERED TONGUE-LASHING.
UH-UH, I'M SORRY, I CANNOT DO IT.
I WON'T.
IT IS NOT FAIR TO THE STUDENTS.
WHAT YOU TWO DID WAS WRONG.
YOU'VE NOT ONLY DISGRACED THE FLAG YOU'VE DISGRACED THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS.
IF I WERE YOU, I'D START WRITING YOUR APOLOGIES.
AND IF I WERE YOU, I'D HIDE YOURS FROM BOBBY.
THIS IS ALL MY FAULT, MOM.
I'M SO SORRY.
I AM SORRY, TOO.
BUT I WILL BE DAMNED IF I'M GOING TO GET UP ON THAT STAGE AND APOLOGIZE TO THAT WOMAN.
WE HAVE NO CHOICE.
IF WE DON'T GO TO THE ASSEMBLY MRS.
DONOVAN'S GOING TO TURN US IN TO PRINCIPAL MOSS.
OH, DON'T WORRY, WE ARE GOING TO THAT ASSEMBLY AND WE ARE GOING TO PUT ON ONE HELL OF A SHOW.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? THOSE STUDENTS DON'T NEED AN APOLOGY THEY NEED SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN.
AND THAT'S WHAT WE'LL GIVE 'EM.
BOY LOVES HIS COUNTRY.
MOTHER LOVES HER SON.
IT'S AS AMERICAN AS APPLE PIE.
AND IF DONOVAN SAYS BOO, THEY'LL HANG HER FOR TREASON.
YEAH, I LOVE APPLE PIE.
THAT FLAG GOT US INTO THIS MESS AND THAT FLAG IS GOING TO GET US OUT.
AT TOMORROW'S ASSEMBLY WE WILL GIVE THOSE SAPS A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED STAR-SPANGLED SNOW JOB.
WE'LL SET IT ALL UP TONIGHT.
GET THE KEYS TO HIS TRUCK FROM HIS PANTS WHILE I DISTRACT HIM.
GO.
OH, HONEY, IS THE GROUT CRACKING AROUND THE TUB? WHAT? GOOD LORD! NOW, AT NIGHT, MR.
DAUTERIVE KEEPS THAT FLAG FOLDED IN HIS GARAGE.
SO IF WE ( gasps ) ( sneezes ) UH, ALL RIGHT, CHANGE IN PLAN.
I'VE TAKEN DOWN LAUNDRY; I CAN TAKE DOWN A FLAG.
AND I CAN DRIVE A TRUCK.
HOO-YAH! GO, BABY! OKAY, LITTLE MORE.
MORE KEEP COMING.
( metal clanking ) OW.
OKAY, YOU'RE FINE.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S FOLD AS WE GO.
AND REMEMBER WE ARE STEALING THIS FLAG, WE ARE NOT DISGRACING IT.
READY? OW! DO NOT LOOK OVER.
NO, THAT MAKES YOU LOOK GUILTY.
LOOK OVER.
PERFECT.
THE FLAG! QUICK, BOBBY, GET BACK IN THAT TRUCK.
WE HAVE GOT TO RETRACE OUR STEPS.
OH, NO! BOBBY, GET OUT AND CHECK.
OH, PLEASE LET IT BE A SPEED BUMP.
SPEED BUMP, COME ON, SPEED BUMP.
SPEED BUMP, RIGHT? NO, IT'S THE FLAG.
AND IT'S WRAPPED AROUND THE AXLE.
ALL RIGHT, SLOWLY DRIVE FORWARD.
( fabric ripping ) ( ripping continues ) OKAY, AND YOU'RE FREE.
WHEN YOU START YOUR SPEECH I'LL PULL A ROPE AND OLD GLORY WILL UNFURL BEHIND YOU.
THEN, HOLD FOR APPLAUSE.
WHEN WE GET THE MUSIC PUMPING AND THE DRY ICE ALL GOING AND THOSE FLARES ARE LI THEY WILL NOT KNOW WHAT HIT THEM.
I WANT TO SEE WHAT THE FLARES LOOK LIKE FROM THE BACK OF THE HOUSE.
LIGHT THE FLARES, BOBBY.
OH, THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL.
THIS IS GOING TO WORK.
( flames roar ) ( Bobby screams ) OH, GOD, NO! ( alarm rings ) BOBBY, SAVE THE FLAG! IT'S ALREADY BURNED AND WET.
WELL, JUST DON'T STAND THERE! RIP IT DOWN, AND LET'S GET OUT OF HERE! ( wailing ) ( sobbing ) WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL WOULD DO SUCH A THING? A BEAR? ( groan ) I PRESENT THIS FLAG FOR FINAL INSPECTION AND FITTING DISPOSAL, SIR.
HAS THIS FLAG BEEN INSPECTED BY THE SERGEANT AT ARMS? YES, SIR.
SERGEANT, WHAT DOES THE INSPECTION SHOW AND WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND? SINCE THIS FLAG HAS BECOME OLD, RIPPED WET, BURNED AND SOILED UPON IN A TRIBUTE OF SERVICE I RECOMMEND THAT IT FITTINGLY BE DESTROYED BY BURNING, SIR.
Moss: AND THE J.
V.
BASKETBALL TEAM COLLECTED $24.
60 WELL SHORT OF THEIR GOAL.
AND NOW IT'S MY HONOR AND PRIVILEGE TO INTRODUCE ONE OF T.
L.
M.
S.
's BEST AND BRIGHTEST.
LOOK OUT FOR THIS KID-- BOBBY HILL.
I GO AWAY FOR THREE YEARS AND YOU TAKE MY PARKING SPACE RIGHT FROM UNDER ME.
NO, MA'AM.
"I'M NOT A BANKER OR A LAWYER BUT I BELIEVE IN GIVING CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE.
" A GREAT WRITER WROTE THOSE WORDS-- MY MOM, PEGGY HILL.
SHE ALSO WROTE MY ESSAY AND MANY OF YOURS.
WHAT HAS THIS SCHOOL TAUGHT US ABOUT THE FLAG? I SAY THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE EVERY DAY BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.
I HEAR "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER" BEFORE EVERY FOOTBALL GAME BUT BY "O, SAY CAN YOU SEE" I'M LOOKING FOR THE GUY WITH THE PEANUTS.
BUT TODAY, I WATCHED A GROWN MAN CRY WHILE HIS FLAG BURNED.
AND WHEN I SAW HOW MUCH IT MEANT TO HIM I REALIZED HOW MUCH IT SHOULD HAVE MEANT TO ME.
SO TOMORROW, IF YOU'RE SITTING NEXT TO ME IN DETENTION AND ONE OF YOUR SPITBALLS COMES ANYWHERE NEAR THAT FLAG YOU'D BETTER WATCH YOUR BACK.
TOM LANDRY RULES! ( cheering ) GOD BLESS AMERICA.
THAT-THAT WAS TERRIFIC, BOBBY.
I CAN SEE WHY THAT GOT AN "A.
" ( groans ) NOW LET'S BRING ON THE MARCHING BAND.
BOBBY: WHAT WORKS FOR ME, SEE, IS THE COCOA.