King of the Hill s05e16 Episode Script

[Hank sighs deeply.]
Bobby.
Bobby.
[Peggy shushing.]
Bobby is in, what I hope, is not his deathbed.
BOBBY: More juice, crazier straw.
PEGGY: Roger that.
[Coughing.]
Hey, Son, are you sick? Don't kiss me, Dad.
I could be contagious.
- Looks normal.
- Put that on my headstone, will you? You know, it frightens me to think that we raised Bobby for 12 years without the Internet.
Parents without the internet should have their children taken away.
What's it say? He has cedar fever, or a sinus infection, or he may be allergic to something else.
I do not know.
We have to take him to the doctor.
How do you know it isn't just a runny nose? His temperature's normal.
You know, when I was his age, I painted the living room with a separated shoulder.
I am searching the Web as fast as I can.
Apparently, there is a local rock band named Cedar Fever and it's complicating my research.
[Telephone ringing.]
Strickland Propane.
Taste the meat, not the-- PEGGY: Okay.
There's no time for that.
Hank, I am over at the doctor's office with Bobby.
There is something you will want to know right away.
Is something wrong with-- [Bobby screams.]
Get over here! Bobby, thank God! What happened? They were pricking my back with pins! You were getting an allergy test.
You still want that Merlin tattoo? Hank, it's not good.
And it's about Bobby.
Bobby's having an allergic reaction to dander.
Your wife tells me you have a dog.
Slow down there, Charlie.
Now, what does a dog have to do with anything? Bobby's allergic to the dog.
You said "dander.
" How do you know that Peggy doesn't have the dander? Well, you're in that school with kids from all over.
She got lice once.
Hank, the test was specifically for dog dander.
And you once came home from Mexico with a butt worm! Allergies can come and go suddenly and mysteriously.
it's a fascinating field.
You could try bathing Ladybird three times a week, then vacuuming her.
I already do that.
Hank, that dog is going out of the house.
Look, if you want a dog inside, it says right here that there are several hypoallergenic breeds of dog, such as poodles or hairless.
A poodle? Why not go all the way and just get me a cat and a sex change operation? Can't we just give Bobby something? You could give him daily shots.
But Bobby We had enough trouble with the pinpricks.
There are pills, but they don't often work.
And their side effects include drowsiness, hives and rectal bleeding.
And most people find it much simpler just to get rid of the dog.
We'll try the pills.
You just say the word and Ladybird will die a mysterious death.
I know several poisons that have the meaty taste dogs love.
You know, Hank, I could take in Ladybird.
She sniffed me once and did not look displeased.
Thanks, Bill, but Ladybird deserves better than that.
Oh, I know.
When I was growing up, we had a dog that we kept outside in its own little house.
Hank doesn't want your old dog! No.
Bill's right.
I could build Ladybird a doghouse.
I was gonna build her one when she was a puppy.
But then Bobby came along and I got sidetracked making a crib.
Maybe this is the second chance I've been waiting for.
Now, if you have any suggestions for improvements make them now before I file the permits.
- It looks too small.
- It's a model, Dale.
In that case, it's just right.
PEGGY: Hank, Bobby's only breathing through his mouth.
I'm afraid to bring him lunch.
Give Bobby some more pills.
I still have to put in the baseboards and bolt the walls to the foundation.
Gee, Hank I would love to give our son another handful of pills but he's been asleep for 18 hours.
Look, I'm as concerned as you are, Peggy, but I need more time.
I can't have a dog in there licking at exposed wiring.
- The floor is warm.
- That's the radiant subfloor heating.
You know, 80% of a dog's heat loss is through its pads.
Okay, that figure came from the radiant-floor people so it may be a little high.
"Although we move you into Barkingham Palace today "we will always leave a doggy door open into our hearts.
"And we hope we have made your home as wonderful as you have made ours "these past 13 years.
" Okay, Luanne, the champagne.
Forgive me.
DALE: Push her in! We all came to see the opening of a doghouse! This can't be easy.
She's slept at the foot of our bed for 13 years.
- Don't blame Ladybird, blame me.
- Of course I blame you! I made the architects first mistake.
I designed it for me, not the client.
I can do this fast, I promise.
Okay, grand reopening in 36 hours.
This time, no gifts.
[Majestic band music playing.]
Bill! Not today! Abort! HANK: I've got the backscratcher close to the food dispenser in case Ladybird wants to scratch and eat at the same time.
Hank, I can give her a good home.
Ladybird won't go in her doghouse.
And her doghouse is already better than your house.
Maybe instead of three, you could take six or seven.
Whatever.
They're not doing much for the dog hair, but watch this.
Bobby, that cannot be good for you.
Hank, it is only fair to warn you that tomorrow I am shaving the dog.
She is going out in the morning.
Just give her one last night.
You know, the allergies won't clear up right away.
Ladybird's dander is all over the house.
We're gonna have to steam-clean the furniture, probably replace the carpets.
We'll have to wash, or dry-clean, all of our clothes then vacuum all over.
You know, Ladybird hasn't gone in the doghouse so there's no dander in there.
And the air filter would work better in a small room.
And for less than the cost of cleaning the house we could pay to have a second TV set hooked up to the cable.
Hank, the dog is not getting a television.
No.
Peggy, don't be silly.
What I was thinking was, Bobby could live in the doghouse.
Yeah, that'll work.
Bobby's only 13.
He's young.
it'll be fun for him.
But Ladybird's 13.
She doesn't have much time left and she's set in her ways.
Yep, that works all around.
Ladybird! Daddy's got your din-din! It'll be like Tom Sawyer, Bobby.
But instead of a raft, you'll have a doghouse.
Okay, Bobby.
You've indulged your father long enough.
Now, get out.
Get He's not getting out.
He must be stuck.
Hank! I'll take it! Bobby, honey, I do not know what your father told you but he has to love you whether you move in or not! Mom, this is a perfect starter home.
I like the neighborhood I won't have to change schools, and it's Connie-adjacent.
Bobby's a big boy, Peggy.
Can't hang on forever.
Time to move on, Mom.
[Peggy and Connie laughing.]
The courtesy of an invitation.
That's all I ask.
Peggy, we couldn't even fit in the door.
Tony's Pizza will do nicely until Dad installs my kitchen grill.
I stole a bottle of Chianti from my dad.
I poured out the wine so we can put a candle in it.
- You can't beat that view of the alley.
- Yeah.
MINH: Hey, Peggy Hill! Connie want to have your Bobby over to play.
You had him fixed, right? I'm glad you find my son's sickness so amusing.
If he were living in a plastic bubble, I would be having lunch with Elton John.
But because he is in a doghouse Big laugh.
You know what would be really funny? If Connie broke her leg! Oh, look.
We got a letter from Bobby.
Apparently, he can't make it to the Gribbles' anniversary party.
That's Hank, people are starting to talk.
Well, let them talk.
I say this is good for Bobby.
He's learning a little bit about the real world out there in the doghouse.
And look at you with the spiffiest new office in town.
Yes.
It is everything I have always deserved.
But I have turned our son into a stranger.
I am moving back into the closet.
Well, if that's what you think is best I guess I'll set up Ladybird in Bobby's room, then.
Don't let Ladybird LB in the room until I'm finished.
I want it to be a surprise.
We got some of your mail here.
Suddenly everybody wants to sell Bobby Hill a security system.
So, your mother was wanting to see you.
How does dinner on Thursday sound? Thursday's poker night.
The stripper comes over at 9:00.
I'm just yanking your chain.
She's over at 8:00.
Little help? BOBBY: lfl get one more Frisbee, I'm opening a store.
REPORTER: Mayor Bridgewater said a financial feasibility study You gonna hog all of that pillow? Bobby, it's covered with Ladybird's hair.
Oh, thank God! I thought I was losing mine.
You're not sneezing or hacking up something gross.
Maybe it's the pills.
I started taking two of the yellows with half a red.
My heart stopped beating funny and I didn't cry as much at school.
So, your allergies are under control? Yeah.
How about that? But my dislike for local news continues.
I guess that means you'll be moving back into the house.
I may be well, but I'm not stupid.
I am not giving up this doghouse.
You got that? Connie, look at me.
You got that? Say it.
- I got that.
- Good.
[Toaster clinks.]
That would be our toaster pastries.
I own my own house.
Hey, everybody, look what the gun club made for our anniversary.
After dessert, they're going to fire one for every year of conjugal bliss.
[All exclaiming softly.]
Okay, now, everyone get into single file for dessert.
[Rifle clicking.]
Single file.
I'm sorry Bobby isn't here.
I'm sure he would have loved the desserts.
Say, what if I give you one to take home for him in a doggy bag? My son does not eat leftovers.
Oh, that's right.
Once you get them on the table scraps, they won't eat their kibble.
Doghouse.
Come on, Ladybird, don't make me beg.
Please, Ladybird, be a good dog.
It's my fault, Peggy.
I raised her in a real house.
Well, I have no choice.
You'll have to walk her when it's time to go.
- She won't go in her own yard.
- I'm the same way.
Yeah, and when you change her water mix in two tablespoons of red wine for her heart.
Let's be honest.
Neither one of us is any good at saying goodbyes.
I'll, uh, see you when I see you.
All right, get yourself washed up.
We don't eat with dirty fingernails.
You go ahead without me.
I'm just gonna order a pizza.
- We're having chicken and broccoli.
- Okay.
You can have some of my pizza if you want.
The only pizza you'll be having is chicken and broccoli pizza without the crust and the pizza sauce.
But plenty of cheese, because that's the way your mother makes it.
Delicious chicken and broccoli, Mother.
No! I've been down this road Before! Oh, my goodness! Bobby, honey, are you okay? Has Ladybird been in the house? - Hank? - No.
Well, Bill brought her by the alley.
She gave me her paw.
But What am I supposed to do? Leave her hanging? That would have been rude.
Rude.
Hank, you could have dragged dander into this house.
Don't panic.
There's no need to send me back out to the doghouse yet.
Hello.
This is Bobby Hill.
I'd like to order a large pizza with everything.
Ladybird? I'm sorry, but she won't go in her own yard.
[Hank sniffs sadly.]
[Vacuum cleaner humming.]
Peggy, it's like I told you, the crawl space under the house is spotless.
I shouldn't have cleaned this book first.
It's too engaging.
I can't put it down.
Peggy, there's nothing in here.
We've already gone through the house twice.
Hank, give me a boost.
I bet those light fixtures are the perfect dander magnet.
I can't see it, but I know it's in there.
Pack your bags, you flaky bastards! Dust mop! I can't believe I didn't eat this last night.
- What are you doing? - I thought I'd clean up a bit.
I like it the way it is.
That is why it is the way it is.
You used to have the best-looking doghouse in the neighborhood! Now I bet it isn't even in the top 10! Why don't you move back in? Every night your dad has to watch another man brush his dog.
Every time Ladybird wags her tail, your father dies a little.
It was my dad's idea to move me in here in the first place so just relax.
We got a good thing going.
As long as I keep sneezing, the lady next door can't say boo.
[Dog barking.]
No pop-ins! Get out of here! Out, out! Out! Bill is gonna get it! [Bill chuckling.]
That's so cute.
I made that game up.
That's our game.
I wanna play.
Those two look more alike after a week than you did after 10 years.
I've never dang old seen that little dog so happy, man.
Talking about that little dog's life, you know, Bill's best friend, man.
You want a beer, man? I don't wanna associate beer with this kind of pain.
Bobby, I brought you an air freshener.
[Gasps.]
Peggy: [Whistling.]
Bobby! Come on, Bobby Hill! BOBBY: Were we robbed? They took the carpeting.
Robbers wouldn't do this good of a job sanding and triple-varnishing the floors.
We cleaned this house top to bottom for you, Bobby.
It is clean enough to make computer chips in.
Don't be afraid to breathe, Bobby.
It's the only way we can find out if we got all the dander.
[Sneezing.]
Damn it.
I knew we should have steam-cleaned the ceiling but that guy was so damn smug.
[Peggy sighs dejectedly.]
Boy, the place sure feels empty.
You know, no carpet, no dog, no son.
Maybe I'll just go over to Bill's house.
Hank, remember what I told the doctor.
You should not even touch Ladybird.
Okay, Hank, you got five minutes.
I won't say her name because then she'll just get all excited and jump up on me.
I can't have that.
No.
She's starting to wag.
Dale, quick.
Tape her tail to her leg.
I'm on it.
[Ladybird barking.]
Ladybird? No! Get out! Dad, look.
I'm cured.
I found a combination of pills that work.
See? Hey, girl, welcome home.
You, too, boy.
Thank you, Dad.
HANK: You're ready? All right.
I have a client in here I am trying to tutor, so cool it down! Okay.
Water.
- Cool.
- Perfect.
Good boy.
DALE: We all came to see the opening of a doghouse! DALE: We all came to see the opening of a doghouse!