King of the Hill s13e11 Episode Script
Bwah My Nose
(can clattering) (sighing) (groans) (yawning) (mumbling) I hate this day.
The anniversary of the worst day of our lives.
The day we lost our state championship game.
(horn honking) Arlen High sucks! ALL (chanting): Mustangs! Mustangs! What's up, losers? Oh, man, here we go, man.
Talkin' 'bout every got-dang ol' year, man, come by.
Taunt walk, suckas.
Everyone bow down before the state champions.
Don't do it, Bill.
Come on, guys.
This isn't sportsmanlike behavior.
Are you a big loser? Yes, you are.
You are a loser! I don't know how you can gloat so much.
You won with four field goals.
Your kicker, Sergio, was the only good player on your team.
This is the leg that did it to you.
The leg that won us state! Smell de feet.
I think it's pathetic you guys still care about that game.
I barely even think about it because I have so much positive stuff going on in my life now.
(whimpers) (sniffing) BOBBY: Mail's here.
There's something for you, Dad.
Such a fancy envelope.
Huh.
Could be from a customer.
"Dear Hank, thank you for snapping your ankle "and losing the game.
Best, The Mustangs.
" Ugh, damn this day! How dare they? You have nothing to be ashamed of, Hank.
You broke your ankle.
No one faults you for getting hurt.
How can you possibly blame yourself for an injury like that? This is your fault! And you got them weak ankles from your mommy, 'cause I didn't have no ankles when I did it to her! It has been 23 years, Hank.
And I, for one, am sick of it.
Showing up at my grandmother's funeral was just bad taste.
This has to end.
Peggy, Coach told us the state championship is for life.
A moment that singularly defines a man in victory or defeat.
It's where spirit and determination are put on trial, and the final verdict stands.
This won't be over until everyone who was at that game is dead.
(tapping on glass) Dang it! Yeah, sucka! Lock the doors! We're sitting down to dinner, for God's sake.
Careful eating, Hank.
You might choke! This is the sound of your ankle snapping.
All right, that tears it! That's right.
We have had enough.
You poked the bear one too many times.
Let's dance! Get 'em, Mom! All right, now just calm down, everybody.
Guys, I have taken your crap long enough.
I want a rematch.
Hells, yes.
I would love reliving the greatest night of my life, Hank Hill.
This rematch is on.
You just stepped into the ring of fire, man.
I cannot wait for this, except this time, I think we should play flag because we are old.
You want to start the ruckus.
(chanting): You want to start the ruckus.
You want to start the ruckus.
Oh, Hank, what have you done? A rematch? But what if we don't win? My life went downhill after that game.
If we lose again, I I might not make it.
Come on, Bill.
For 23 years, the Mustangs have tainted the title of champion.
Now we have the opportunity to change history.
To show them how real champions behave.
To stop the taunting.
Man, my-my dang ol' arm is still good, man.
I am bigger than I was back then.
It will be an honor to towel you guys again.
Well, all right, then.
It's time to get the team back together.
Who knows where all the Longhorns ended up.
They could be anywhere.
Fred! (doorbell rings) Hello, sir, we're looking for your son, Kevin.
Hank.
It's me.
I'm Kevin.
It's been, uh hard couple of years.
Hank, I live in Phoenix now.
You want me to drop everything, fly back to Arlen to play a flag football game against our high school rivals? Of course I will.
Toasty towels if you need 'em! Woo-hoo! This is my field! My turf! Stay out of the Bill-dozer's way! (growling) This is so exciting.
Oh, you're lucky.
Your dad can actually do something.
My dad is just a towel boy.
Lookin' good, Dad! You should wear flags more often! Awesome folding, Dad! Really square! Dude, I can't do it.
All right, guys, take a knee.
Now, I know it's been a difficult I'm sorry my ankle and I let you guys down.
But today we start a new journey One that will end with our dignity.
It's time we blow away the dark clouds and let the sun finally shine down on us in victory.
(rebel yell) You said it, Hill.
If I could still feel anything, I'd be inspired.
Now come on, let's go kick some Mustang ass.
Go, Longhorns! (cheering) Dang ol' 21 holly Protect the quarterback! (groans) Ow.
Aw, what happened? Why are you looking at me like that? Oh, my God, I hurt Hank.
I broke his nose! Hank, can you smell how many fingers I'm holding up? Is that brain? Dear God, I think I see brain.
We gotta reset his nose before the cartilage sticks.
Do what you need to do, Kleehammer.
Just fix it so we can get back to practice.
Someone get me two pencils and a rock.
Now! Uh, wait, w I got a pencil and a stick.
Uh, are you sure that's the best procedure? Don't worry, Hill, I've reset a thousand noses on the field.
(groans) Hold him still.
Here, you can bite on this towel.
KLEEHAMMER: On the count of three.
One (all gasping) Ooh It's an art, not a science, people.
Hey, stud.
How was practice? (gasps) I don't have to beat up someone's son, do I? It's not that bad.
I can barely feel it.
Probably because you're in shock.
You have to go to the hospital.
No, no, they'll just tell me I can't practice until it heals.
I have to get in shape.
A game like this usually only comes along once in a lifetime.
(whistling) What is that, that whistling? Is that coming from your face? (Hank groaning) Waiting rooms are always so quiet.
It makes you want to scream, but you know you shouldn't.
But you want to.
(groans) Peggy? Where am I? I took you to the ER, Hank, and they referred us to this specialist.
How did you get me around? It was surprisingly easy.
Your body was limp.
And a weird guy we met in the parking lot helped.
A plastic surgeon?! I can't be here.
I'm leaving.
Hank, you're in pain.
If you want to play football, you need to get your nose fixed first.
(sighs) Oh I don't know.
I guess if it'll get me back on the field, I'll stay to discuss my (loudly): necessary surgery.
I've made a nose out of worse than this.
Have a look through our nose book and pick out one that you like.
I just want my nose back like it was.
Oh, that old thing? Hank, this is your chance to do something different.
Something fun.
Oh, how about the Travolta? I even think he could pull off a Roger Staubach.
Staubach? Uh, no, I just want my old nose.
Your call.
But, uh, after I straighten out your nose, is there anything else you want me to change while I'm in there? Nope.
What I had was fine.
Really? Nothing at all? (sighs) My left nostril.
Oh, dear.
We've never talked about it before.
It is bigger than the other.
It's easy to fix.
Then quit yammering about it and do it.
Don't worry, guys.
The doctor will fix me right up, and I'll be back on that field in no time.
You better be, Hank.
Without you, we're gonna have to build an offense around Kevin.
Kevin! (sighs): Well, it's time.
(whimpering) You were protecting the quarterback.
Just doing your job.
(loud sobbing) Bill.
Here we are: the moment we've all been waiting for.
Hank, careful what you wish for, because it just might come true! (gasps) Look at my trophy husband! I don't care if they had to use part of your butt.
That looks great! My nostril.
You fixed it.
(inhales deeply through nose) (exhales) It's perfect.
Hey, it's Hank! (gasps) You fixed your nostril.
Your only imperfection.
It's so nice.
Can I rub it? As long as it lets the air in and out, it doesn't matter.
The important thing is, I'm ready for action.
All right, ladies, let's play some football! Good to have you back, Hank.
We're counting on you.
(horn honking) Hey, Hill, now that your nose is fixed, can you tell how bad you stink? (laughter) KLEEHAMMER: Hey, forget about those ladies.
Let them go shave their legs, and braid their I don't know what ladies do.
Let's just play some football.
I got it! I got it! My nose! How did he miss that? (laughs nervously) S-Sun was in my eyes.
(laughs) Yeah.
Let's run it again, guys.
Move it! Move it! No, don't hit it! It's his nose.
It must still be hurt.
Hank's hurt! (sighs) Yes.
Yes, you're right, I'm hurt.
I-I have to go now.
I'm telling you, guys.
It's his nose.
It's still hurting from the surgery.
But there's only three days left till the game.
If Hank doesn't play, I'm gonna need a lot of liquor and a handful of anything.
Grab a flag, Towelie.
You're in the game! What? I can't do anything.
I can't catch, I can't throw, I can't even run.
Come on, Dad.
You can do it! You may not be able to run, but you can flee.
All right, you know, I've had enough.
You play through the pain.
That's basic stuff.
It's time for me to send Hank on a little trip called guilt.
Hey, buddy.
How's the nose feeling? Uh, not so good.
P-Pretty bad.
Ow.
Yeah.
I felt so bad once that I moved to Phoenix.
After the state championship, actually.
That you lost.
Phoenix is hotter than Texas, if you can believe that.
Sucks.
I really wish I could play, but the, uh the pain is just excruciating.
I better go ice my nose.
(explosion) Well, there you are, sleepyhead! You never sleep later than me.
I thought you were dead.
And it made me realize how much I love you.
Where are you going? We're gonna run some errands before the game.
I'm gonna get a new duvet cover for our bed.
Well, wait just a minute.
I'm coming, too.
You want to help us pick out a duvet? The big game is today.
Shouldn't you be painting your chest and face? I-I can't paint my face.
I'm in too much pain.
Uh-huh.
You do realize I'm going to Frilly Lilly's? Well, of course you're going to Frilly Lilly's.
They have the best, um selection? Okay.
Let me just grab my jacket.
Didn't that hurt? Oh.
Oh, yes.
The, uh The pain is throbbing.
It's like a heartbeat in my face.
You're gonna go see Dr.
Cook.
So, Hank, I gather you're experiencing some discomfort.
He's faking.
Peggy? W-Why would You say that? You've seen the pain I'm in.
It's not your nose.
I touch it when you sleep.
He's been acting strange ever since the surgery.
I can't figure out why.
Oh, I see this all the time.
People love my work so much that they get a little vain.
Vanity? That doesn't sound like Hank.
I just don't understand.
He wanted to play in that game so much Wait.
You're too scared to play in that game, aren't you? What? I am not.
You're talking crazy.
Please.
As a kid who uses the cramps as an excuse to get out of gym, I know a faker when I hear one.
You've been waiting your whole life to redeem yourself, and you're afraid if you play in the game, you'll fail.
Oh, it's okay to admit you're scared, Hank.
Scared? Now, how can you say that? That's ridiculous.
It's what he said.
I love my perfect, perfect nose.
Is it so wrong to be beautiful? Your wife is right, you know.
Excuse me? The walls are paper-thin.
Listen, we're all here because there's something about us we didn't like and wanted to change.
For me, it was my ears, nose and lips.
And a weak chin.
And it sounds like for you, it's the fact that you lost that game.
Listen to her, Hank.
She's much older and wiser than she looks.
Thank you, dear.
You need to deal with your past.
Just like I dealt with my thin lips.
MAN: Oh, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
No, no, it's not the same.
I just (sighs) It was so horrible.
Everyone was counting on me, and I blew it.
If I lose this game again, it's forever.
Nothing is forever.
I used to have a penis.
I'm gonna remember something from today.
And it can either be what sh him just said, or you playing football.
Come on, Dad! There's still time! Go play some football, honey.
Just curious.
Over or under 60? Way over.
Hey, man, talkin' 'bout time time out! He's here to save us.
Thank God.
KLEEHAMMER: Oh, well done.
DALE: And in the fourth quarter, pretty dramatic.
It's great to see you, Hank.
Even though this is flag football, it feels like we're getting pummeled.
Gribble's got heart, but he's no replacement for you.
Every coach dreams of finding that spaz kid who can play like Rudy or Radio.
But nobody's gonna make a movie about Gribble.
(coughing) There's mud in my lungs.
Don't worry, fellas.
We got this.
And when we win, we'll give them a lesson in how real champions behave.
(thunder crackling) Ho-yeah! Get that flag! Careful with that fancy face, Bruce Jenner.
He still has the flags.
Go, Hank! All right, Dad! Run! Dad! (cheering, hooting, and overlapping chatter) All right! Why did we agree to do this? We had nothing to gain.
Thank you.
I can finally move back home and get the hell out of Phoenix! So, you see, your portfolio is outperforming the market.
Mr.
Portnoy, there's some people here to see you.
Yvonne, I'm in a meeting.
Happy loserversary! Not such a big shot anymore, huh? Just a lowly successful financial professional! I wouldn't trust this guy with your money.
He'll just lose it, 'cause he's a loser! He's a big baby loser! Hey, this is fun.
(laughs) Loser! Yeah, man, happy dang ol' loserversary, man (singsongy): I'm not a loser.
You are a loser.
Dang ol' loser, man.
HANK: Is it so wrong to be beautiful?
The anniversary of the worst day of our lives.
The day we lost our state championship game.
(horn honking) Arlen High sucks! ALL (chanting): Mustangs! Mustangs! What's up, losers? Oh, man, here we go, man.
Talkin' 'bout every got-dang ol' year, man, come by.
Taunt walk, suckas.
Everyone bow down before the state champions.
Don't do it, Bill.
Come on, guys.
This isn't sportsmanlike behavior.
Are you a big loser? Yes, you are.
You are a loser! I don't know how you can gloat so much.
You won with four field goals.
Your kicker, Sergio, was the only good player on your team.
This is the leg that did it to you.
The leg that won us state! Smell de feet.
I think it's pathetic you guys still care about that game.
I barely even think about it because I have so much positive stuff going on in my life now.
(whimpers) (sniffing) BOBBY: Mail's here.
There's something for you, Dad.
Such a fancy envelope.
Huh.
Could be from a customer.
"Dear Hank, thank you for snapping your ankle "and losing the game.
Best, The Mustangs.
" Ugh, damn this day! How dare they? You have nothing to be ashamed of, Hank.
You broke your ankle.
No one faults you for getting hurt.
How can you possibly blame yourself for an injury like that? This is your fault! And you got them weak ankles from your mommy, 'cause I didn't have no ankles when I did it to her! It has been 23 years, Hank.
And I, for one, am sick of it.
Showing up at my grandmother's funeral was just bad taste.
This has to end.
Peggy, Coach told us the state championship is for life.
A moment that singularly defines a man in victory or defeat.
It's where spirit and determination are put on trial, and the final verdict stands.
This won't be over until everyone who was at that game is dead.
(tapping on glass) Dang it! Yeah, sucka! Lock the doors! We're sitting down to dinner, for God's sake.
Careful eating, Hank.
You might choke! This is the sound of your ankle snapping.
All right, that tears it! That's right.
We have had enough.
You poked the bear one too many times.
Let's dance! Get 'em, Mom! All right, now just calm down, everybody.
Guys, I have taken your crap long enough.
I want a rematch.
Hells, yes.
I would love reliving the greatest night of my life, Hank Hill.
This rematch is on.
You just stepped into the ring of fire, man.
I cannot wait for this, except this time, I think we should play flag because we are old.
You want to start the ruckus.
(chanting): You want to start the ruckus.
You want to start the ruckus.
Oh, Hank, what have you done? A rematch? But what if we don't win? My life went downhill after that game.
If we lose again, I I might not make it.
Come on, Bill.
For 23 years, the Mustangs have tainted the title of champion.
Now we have the opportunity to change history.
To show them how real champions behave.
To stop the taunting.
Man, my-my dang ol' arm is still good, man.
I am bigger than I was back then.
It will be an honor to towel you guys again.
Well, all right, then.
It's time to get the team back together.
Who knows where all the Longhorns ended up.
They could be anywhere.
Fred! (doorbell rings) Hello, sir, we're looking for your son, Kevin.
Hank.
It's me.
I'm Kevin.
It's been, uh hard couple of years.
Hank, I live in Phoenix now.
You want me to drop everything, fly back to Arlen to play a flag football game against our high school rivals? Of course I will.
Toasty towels if you need 'em! Woo-hoo! This is my field! My turf! Stay out of the Bill-dozer's way! (growling) This is so exciting.
Oh, you're lucky.
Your dad can actually do something.
My dad is just a towel boy.
Lookin' good, Dad! You should wear flags more often! Awesome folding, Dad! Really square! Dude, I can't do it.
All right, guys, take a knee.
Now, I know it's been a difficult I'm sorry my ankle and I let you guys down.
But today we start a new journey One that will end with our dignity.
It's time we blow away the dark clouds and let the sun finally shine down on us in victory.
(rebel yell) You said it, Hill.
If I could still feel anything, I'd be inspired.
Now come on, let's go kick some Mustang ass.
Go, Longhorns! (cheering) Dang ol' 21 holly Protect the quarterback! (groans) Ow.
Aw, what happened? Why are you looking at me like that? Oh, my God, I hurt Hank.
I broke his nose! Hank, can you smell how many fingers I'm holding up? Is that brain? Dear God, I think I see brain.
We gotta reset his nose before the cartilage sticks.
Do what you need to do, Kleehammer.
Just fix it so we can get back to practice.
Someone get me two pencils and a rock.
Now! Uh, wait, w I got a pencil and a stick.
Uh, are you sure that's the best procedure? Don't worry, Hill, I've reset a thousand noses on the field.
(groans) Hold him still.
Here, you can bite on this towel.
KLEEHAMMER: On the count of three.
One (all gasping) Ooh It's an art, not a science, people.
Hey, stud.
How was practice? (gasps) I don't have to beat up someone's son, do I? It's not that bad.
I can barely feel it.
Probably because you're in shock.
You have to go to the hospital.
No, no, they'll just tell me I can't practice until it heals.
I have to get in shape.
A game like this usually only comes along once in a lifetime.
(whistling) What is that, that whistling? Is that coming from your face? (Hank groaning) Waiting rooms are always so quiet.
It makes you want to scream, but you know you shouldn't.
But you want to.
(groans) Peggy? Where am I? I took you to the ER, Hank, and they referred us to this specialist.
How did you get me around? It was surprisingly easy.
Your body was limp.
And a weird guy we met in the parking lot helped.
A plastic surgeon?! I can't be here.
I'm leaving.
Hank, you're in pain.
If you want to play football, you need to get your nose fixed first.
(sighs) Oh I don't know.
I guess if it'll get me back on the field, I'll stay to discuss my (loudly): necessary surgery.
I've made a nose out of worse than this.
Have a look through our nose book and pick out one that you like.
I just want my nose back like it was.
Oh, that old thing? Hank, this is your chance to do something different.
Something fun.
Oh, how about the Travolta? I even think he could pull off a Roger Staubach.
Staubach? Uh, no, I just want my old nose.
Your call.
But, uh, after I straighten out your nose, is there anything else you want me to change while I'm in there? Nope.
What I had was fine.
Really? Nothing at all? (sighs) My left nostril.
Oh, dear.
We've never talked about it before.
It is bigger than the other.
It's easy to fix.
Then quit yammering about it and do it.
Don't worry, guys.
The doctor will fix me right up, and I'll be back on that field in no time.
You better be, Hank.
Without you, we're gonna have to build an offense around Kevin.
Kevin! (sighs): Well, it's time.
(whimpering) You were protecting the quarterback.
Just doing your job.
(loud sobbing) Bill.
Here we are: the moment we've all been waiting for.
Hank, careful what you wish for, because it just might come true! (gasps) Look at my trophy husband! I don't care if they had to use part of your butt.
That looks great! My nostril.
You fixed it.
(inhales deeply through nose) (exhales) It's perfect.
Hey, it's Hank! (gasps) You fixed your nostril.
Your only imperfection.
It's so nice.
Can I rub it? As long as it lets the air in and out, it doesn't matter.
The important thing is, I'm ready for action.
All right, ladies, let's play some football! Good to have you back, Hank.
We're counting on you.
(horn honking) Hey, Hill, now that your nose is fixed, can you tell how bad you stink? (laughter) KLEEHAMMER: Hey, forget about those ladies.
Let them go shave their legs, and braid their I don't know what ladies do.
Let's just play some football.
I got it! I got it! My nose! How did he miss that? (laughs nervously) S-Sun was in my eyes.
(laughs) Yeah.
Let's run it again, guys.
Move it! Move it! No, don't hit it! It's his nose.
It must still be hurt.
Hank's hurt! (sighs) Yes.
Yes, you're right, I'm hurt.
I-I have to go now.
I'm telling you, guys.
It's his nose.
It's still hurting from the surgery.
But there's only three days left till the game.
If Hank doesn't play, I'm gonna need a lot of liquor and a handful of anything.
Grab a flag, Towelie.
You're in the game! What? I can't do anything.
I can't catch, I can't throw, I can't even run.
Come on, Dad.
You can do it! You may not be able to run, but you can flee.
All right, you know, I've had enough.
You play through the pain.
That's basic stuff.
It's time for me to send Hank on a little trip called guilt.
Hey, buddy.
How's the nose feeling? Uh, not so good.
P-Pretty bad.
Ow.
Yeah.
I felt so bad once that I moved to Phoenix.
After the state championship, actually.
That you lost.
Phoenix is hotter than Texas, if you can believe that.
Sucks.
I really wish I could play, but the, uh the pain is just excruciating.
I better go ice my nose.
(explosion) Well, there you are, sleepyhead! You never sleep later than me.
I thought you were dead.
And it made me realize how much I love you.
Where are you going? We're gonna run some errands before the game.
I'm gonna get a new duvet cover for our bed.
Well, wait just a minute.
I'm coming, too.
You want to help us pick out a duvet? The big game is today.
Shouldn't you be painting your chest and face? I-I can't paint my face.
I'm in too much pain.
Uh-huh.
You do realize I'm going to Frilly Lilly's? Well, of course you're going to Frilly Lilly's.
They have the best, um selection? Okay.
Let me just grab my jacket.
Didn't that hurt? Oh.
Oh, yes.
The, uh The pain is throbbing.
It's like a heartbeat in my face.
You're gonna go see Dr.
Cook.
So, Hank, I gather you're experiencing some discomfort.
He's faking.
Peggy? W-Why would You say that? You've seen the pain I'm in.
It's not your nose.
I touch it when you sleep.
He's been acting strange ever since the surgery.
I can't figure out why.
Oh, I see this all the time.
People love my work so much that they get a little vain.
Vanity? That doesn't sound like Hank.
I just don't understand.
He wanted to play in that game so much Wait.
You're too scared to play in that game, aren't you? What? I am not.
You're talking crazy.
Please.
As a kid who uses the cramps as an excuse to get out of gym, I know a faker when I hear one.
You've been waiting your whole life to redeem yourself, and you're afraid if you play in the game, you'll fail.
Oh, it's okay to admit you're scared, Hank.
Scared? Now, how can you say that? That's ridiculous.
It's what he said.
I love my perfect, perfect nose.
Is it so wrong to be beautiful? Your wife is right, you know.
Excuse me? The walls are paper-thin.
Listen, we're all here because there's something about us we didn't like and wanted to change.
For me, it was my ears, nose and lips.
And a weak chin.
And it sounds like for you, it's the fact that you lost that game.
Listen to her, Hank.
She's much older and wiser than she looks.
Thank you, dear.
You need to deal with your past.
Just like I dealt with my thin lips.
MAN: Oh, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
No, no, it's not the same.
I just (sighs) It was so horrible.
Everyone was counting on me, and I blew it.
If I lose this game again, it's forever.
Nothing is forever.
I used to have a penis.
I'm gonna remember something from today.
And it can either be what sh him just said, or you playing football.
Come on, Dad! There's still time! Go play some football, honey.
Just curious.
Over or under 60? Way over.
Hey, man, talkin' 'bout time time out! He's here to save us.
Thank God.
KLEEHAMMER: Oh, well done.
DALE: And in the fourth quarter, pretty dramatic.
It's great to see you, Hank.
Even though this is flag football, it feels like we're getting pummeled.
Gribble's got heart, but he's no replacement for you.
Every coach dreams of finding that spaz kid who can play like Rudy or Radio.
But nobody's gonna make a movie about Gribble.
(coughing) There's mud in my lungs.
Don't worry, fellas.
We got this.
And when we win, we'll give them a lesson in how real champions behave.
(thunder crackling) Ho-yeah! Get that flag! Careful with that fancy face, Bruce Jenner.
He still has the flags.
Go, Hank! All right, Dad! Run! Dad! (cheering, hooting, and overlapping chatter) All right! Why did we agree to do this? We had nothing to gain.
Thank you.
I can finally move back home and get the hell out of Phoenix! So, you see, your portfolio is outperforming the market.
Mr.
Portnoy, there's some people here to see you.
Yvonne, I'm in a meeting.
Happy loserversary! Not such a big shot anymore, huh? Just a lowly successful financial professional! I wouldn't trust this guy with your money.
He'll just lose it, 'cause he's a loser! He's a big baby loser! Hey, this is fun.
(laughs) Loser! Yeah, man, happy dang ol' loserversary, man (singsongy): I'm not a loser.
You are a loser.
Dang ol' loser, man.
HANK: Is it so wrong to be beautiful?