Lexx s04e12 Episode Script

Bad Carrot

OK, come on let's go! Move move move move move! - Go go go! Look! - Get out of the way! Get out of the way! - Back off from the vegetables! - Stand back from there.
- Clear the area.
ATF! - Step aside.
Body step aside.
You - move away from the carrots.
Stand clear! Looks like we got the all clear here.
- Go check that out over there.
- Not very cheap these days, are they? Head Lettuce, this is Bugs Bunny.
Come in! Head Lettuce, we have a negative on the vegetable.
Hold it - got it! Stay back.
Stay back.
Back off.
- Back off.
- There, on the floor! Get off! Get it off of me! Lexx 4-12 Bad Carrot Well, that's one experience I don't ever need to repeat.
Me neither.
Dying is a terrible experience for some of us.
My death was not a good experience for me at the time.
Well - I want to thank you both, for going down there to bring me back to life.
Well, you're our friend Xev - what else could we do? Left the slut for the worms to chew on - - it's what I would have done.
- Hello 790.
Oh Kai - you've come back to me! Take the head in your arms.
Squeeze me! Please me! The dead do not squeeze and please.
There's always a first time.
Well you know, in spite of seeing you here 790, it's still good to be back on the Lexx - alive! You know, I for one do not ever want to go back to Earth again - stupid Type 13 disaster planet.
Still, you know - I can't shake the feeling that we - we forgot something.
- You did.
You forgot to disembowel yourself - but we can take care of that right now.
I don't like Earth very much either, but how long can we stay up here on the Lexx without the key? Wherever it went after Lyekka stole it from you, we have to get it back or we'll be stuck here forever.
I know, I know, but Lyekka's not on the Lexx, we've looked - I mean, she could be anywhere, I don't know.
But I do know, that the key is gonna get back into me, where it belongs, and then we're gonna fly away from this place, forever! But look, enough about that - captain Stan hasn't eaten for days and days, and I am getting mighty, mighty hungry.
Well, Lyekka could be dead.
Vlad could have killed her.
Yeah, OK, well where's the body? Well, the Lexx absorbs all available protein, you know that.
Oh, we should have loaded up with food before we came back here.
Stanley, Xev - it will be the pleasure of my life watching you both slowly starve to death.
Yeah? Well before that, we're gonna fry that little cube of a brain in that, that that tin bucket you call a head - you know, it won't taste good, - but it's gonna feel good! - I hate you.
Happy birthday, Mr President! Why, thank you my cuddle bunny coochy coo milk skinned delight.
Oh, delicious - but Bunny, it's not my birthday.
Oh.
But - I made this cake just for you, don't you want it? Oh no no no, of course I want it.
- We can pretend it's my birthday.
- Yay! OK, first you blow out the candle, then I blow out your candle, then I'll give you your present.
I can't wait.
Mr President.
My prince - er, Mr Prince.
We have a crisis.
You're telling me! My cake! A crisis, I see - what crisis? Carrots.
Very bad carrots.
Oh no, I hate carrots.
They play havoc with my bowels - sorry, honey pie sweetie face.
Not ordinary carrots - killer carrots.
They look like your ordinary everyday garden variety, but they're not.
Xevivor! Terrific.
- I loved that show.
- Mr President, - shut up.
- Yes, my prince.
Professor Shnoog, if you please.
The 'carrots', which are in fact highly deadly probes with of unknown metal construction, were first discovered on the Caribbean island of Zig Zig.
They wiped out almost everyone during the taping of the Xevivor television series.
You mean that was real? I thought that was only a special effects thing that they did to boost ratings.
As did we all.
Continue, professor.
As you can see, these probes are highly aggressive.
Their sole function appears to be to enter human beings and use them as a type of host - although for what purpose we can't say.
They exert control over the infected humans by by fusing themselves to the spinal cord, thus gaining control of the host's neurological functions.
Er, hold on, hold on - how do they get inside us? They, er - they may be able to enter through various orifices, but they seem to prefer - - the back door.
- Pardon me? The rectum intestinum.
What? They like to burrow into your ass, Mr President.
That's what one did to him.
Kind of like that rubber thing I used on you last night.
I don't know what you are talking about, my love.
Yeah, you know that little thing, you liked it.
And what happens when they leave their host, or do they -? Unknown, although we will be conducting experiments on this case later, including a thorough post-mortem dissection.
We have learned we have learned that they exercise varying levels of control.
You see, they seem to be able to possess them outright, turning them essentially into murderous zombies - the fate suffered in the cases on Zig Zig Island.
Now in such instances, the carrot penetrates with its single eye the host's forehead, turning him into a mindless slave.
We do not know if this condition is reversible, but as you as you can see in this case the eye has not been employed.
The victim is fully cogniscent, albeit uncomfortable.
Our X-rays show that the probe integrated itself into his entire nervous system.
You mean it may be able to hear what you're saying? Yes, possibly.
It seems to act as a sort of sort of puppet master - it can control all of the strings all of the time - or one string at a time, if it so chooses, depending on the environment - or indeed the threat.
Where did these bad carrots come from? Their origin is unclear, but we're fairly convinced that they're not of this earth.
And what do they want? We don't know that either Mr President - although it's fairly certain that they're not here to grace our salads.
To make matters worse, the probes have been turning up here and there throughout the globe.
Confirmed infestations are marked in red on this map.
They're everywhere! That they are, Mr President.
How can you tell if someone has one in him? Sometimes it's easy to tell, and sometimes it isn't.
I mean, you might have one inside you right now, but I wouldn't know.
Or the President could, or I could myself, I suppose - I might have one today, and not tomorrow, it's very difficult.
They're very clever little vegetables.
My prince - don't you think it's best that we part ways with this infected planet before it is perhaps too late? My thoughts exactly - Hey you - stop it! Tell him to stop looking at me like that! - Who do you mean? - Him! Thank you for your service to your country.
Your medals are in the mail.
I am getting really really hungry here, in a serious way.
- So am I.
- Why don't you two cannibalise each other? That would be fun.
And why don't you just short circuit your big ugly mouth?! Only Kai can do that.
I will retire to cryostasis to preserve my protoblood.
Stan, this is silly.
Why don't we just get in a moth, go back to Earth - and get some food there? - Oh, no no no no no.
No way, I'm not going back there.
I mean, there's gotta be some way that we can make food here - come on, Lexx, just help us out, willl ya?! Just a little food, that's all, just a little food? Prince yes Well, keep me posted.
The carrot has not been recovered.
Is it still in the Oval Office? Possibly, or it may have escaped, or -.
Yes? As a precaution, I had those aides that I locked in the Oval Office vivisected, to see if the carrot was inside one of them.
It was not.
Therefore the possibility exists that the carrot is inside one of us, lying in wait.
Well, it's not in me.
Nor me.
Nor me.
I guess we're all right then.
Clean.
Why go to the Lexx? Stanley Tweedle doesn't even have the key anymore.
since he lost it.
Whether Stanley Tweedle has the key or not, I do not know, but I do know that it is on the Lexx.
- How do you know? - Because I'm head of the ATF.
If anyone had it on Earth I would have found it by now.
Of course, my prince.
Clean.
Clean.
That's a relief.
Clean, all clean folks.
No carrots up your botties.
It's no use, Stan - my hand is getting numb.
Oh come on Xev, just a little longer - you're a love slave, you got the touch.
It's not working! But it's gotta work.
I mean - listen, it's getting close! Come on, pump it, pump it! No! I'm done.
Face it Stan, if we want food we have to go back to Earth.
That's not necessary, we have plenty of food.
- Prince.
- Stanley.
Xev.
You remember President Priest and First Lady Bunny.
- Hi! - Sure we do.
What do you want? We were in the neighbourhood and we decided to drop by for a picnic.
Lovely.
Thanks for the food.
Goodbye.
Yeah, thanks for coming, now go! Now now, that's no way to speak to your dinner guests.
Guests? I don't remember inviting you.
Nonetheless, we're here - and just in time, it seems.
Having a little trouble with our food supply, - are we? - Yeah, well you see, um -.
See, the Lexx hasn't eaten in a while, and so it can't make food for us.
Well, why don't you take the Lexx to Earth for a nice meal? Yeah well you see we got a problem there, which is - .
Which is that we don't want the Lexx attracting any kind of attention from people down there, so we're planning around it basically .
Indeed.
Wise.
But, tell me Stanley - you did get the key back from the porn star who stole it from you, what was her name? Lyekka - oh, well LooLoo actually.
Yeah, well, you see what happened there was - .
Perhaps he doesn't need to know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah See, what happened there was, I turned on the old Tweedle charm and I brought her to the height, I mean the very peak of sexual ecstasy, and then the key flowed out of her back into me - she was satisfied, so she left.
Excellent.
Because as it happens, the Earth now has a slight little tiny alien problem.
And as far as I'm concerned this is as good a time as any for all of us to disappear into the great unknown of space.
- Us all? - Absolutely.
It's always been part of the agreement, that I would be a passenger onboard the Lexx once it resumed its travels.
You know, I had an agreement too, with First Lady Bunny, to have a romp in the sack - on a couple of occasions - and that didn't work out either.
Well, maybe we can make it work out this time.
That's my wife you're talking about! But, you know, whatever.
Tell us about this tiny little alien problem you've got there on Earth.
Well, why don't we discuss that over dinner? Oh yes, food! Yes, food! I'm awfully hungry from - from trip.
- I'm gonna wake up Kai, just to be on the safe side.
Um - is there a washroom here.
Oh yeah.
You're kidding, right? No no, once you get used to it the experience can be quite, er - stimulating.
Gets right up there, you know? Right up there? - Year.
Whoops! Sorry.
Will you stay with me while I go? If it will make you taste better - I mean, feel better, darling honey licky bit.
Yeah, well I'll just leave you two alone, OK.
- I'll be at the feast.
- The feast? So, Stanley - tell me about the bad carrots that you encountered on Zig Zig Island.
What, you mean those little robot things? They almost killed us, they're completely evil! They are a serious problem, and they appear to have spread.
Spread! Oh, you - ! Probes have been found in many locations - too many.
Our projections indicate a rather overwhelming infestation before long, which is something that the poor unfortunates - on the planet can hardly savour.
- Savour! So it appears to me that our best option is to go .
The only question is - where? I'd say there's two questions - where to go, and who should go.
The latter part of that question has already been settled.
Not with me.
We have a deal.
Hey, when has one of your deals ever helped us? We've made deals with you before, and they've all gone sour - because you're evil .
So you can offer us whatever deal you want - we won't bite.
Bite! I'm not so terrible, Xev.
I have different ambitions from you, it's true.
But, as a member of the crew of the Lexx.
I promise to behave myself.
No.
Anyway - you can always have Kai to protect you.
He can kill me, if I step out of line.
You were killed many times on the planet Fire.
Each time, you quickly returned to life.
Why do you fear the probes, if you are immortal as you seen to have been in the past? I was immortal on the planet Fire, yes, but now I will admit to being more uncertain about my status.
That question can be settled this instant.
Hey, wait a second, wait a second - before we do anything, I wanna know what those carrots are doing on Earth, I mean - what what do they want? Of course I do.
You will tell them.
Anything for you.
The probes are actually a first scouting wave of robot drones sent by an alien species to taste test various things on Earth - particularly human beings.
They are studying the planet to see what is worth eating and what dishes go with what - presumably in preparation for the big feast planned when the real aliens arrive to devour the planet.
How How do you know this? None of your business, pig face! - Tell them.
- I have intercepted thousands of transmissions between the probes and the alien mother ship.
Do you know where this mother ship is located? It is very far away in deep space, but yes, I suppose I could locate it - if I really wanted to.
Well, what are we waiting for? Let's just take the Lexx and destroy it.
No, wait a second, wait a second, see - it's not that easy, you know, because the Lexx hasn't eaten in a while, so -.
So it would have to eat a lot - a whole country at least, to make a trip like that.
Yeah yeah yeah, see, and then then it has to digest the chunks, you know, and that could take forever.
No matter.
Mr President? Yes my prince? You must contact the Pentagon and authorise Operation Hard Encounter.
- Oo - you mean now? - Immediately.
Whoops! Sorry.
- Can't it wait until after dinner? - No.
OF course my prince, of course.
General Pootydude here.
Ah, good evening General, this is the President.
- How are you? - Fine, Mr President.
- The wife and kids? - Fine sir.
- The cat, dog? - All fine.
You keep parakeets, don't you? Are they well? They say there is a terrible bird virus going around - .
- I am.
- Mr President -.
Yes yes.
Whoops, sorry, sorry again.
General, it seems we have a problem - well, I wouldn't call it a problem, more of a nuisance really not even, um, not even, oh what's the word I'm looking for vexation itch, what about - .
Mr President! Yes.
Whoops.
Sorry again.
Um, General, I'm ordering you to prepare and launch the international space mission, name code Operation.
Operation.
- Hard Encounter.
- Oh yes, Hard Encounter.
Your team is to intercept the alien space vessel approaching the Earth and, um, and to destroy it with extreme extremeness.
Affirmative sir.
Operation Hard Encounter will be underway within six hours.
Oh, that soon? Well then, take take care of everything and make sure that everything is all right and tested and safe before you go, and - .
Cheerie bye.
That takes care of that.
- I am exhausted.
- Yeah, me too.
If you're onboard in the morning, let's talk about fixing up First Lady Bunny with first man Stan.
I'll show you where you can sleep - actually I'm a bit tired myself.
Kai, would you please keep an eye on Prince? I will.
Goodnight to all.
Tell me, do you play chess, - dead man? - What is chess? A struggle between kings.
A game of strategies and counter strategies, in which it is sometimes necessary to sacrifice lesser participants - rather like life, actually.
It sounds similar to a game I enjoyed on Brunnis 2, - when I was alive.
- I'll teach you.
What do you think you're doing? What do you think you're doing?! Bunny? Get away from my husband.
Hi-ya! I know you want him - everyone does! No, Bunny.
Bunny, stop it.
Bunny, you've got it all wrong.
Bunny, stop it! He's mine.
- Aaaaaall mine! - Yes! Bunny, stop it! Bunny! Listen to me - your husband came into my room and started licking my stomach while I was asleep.
He probably has one of those things inside him.
Kai! Stan! Mr President! Mr President! Kai! I need you! And I need my husband back! - What's going on? - The President has a carrot - he's infected.
Baby! He is still alive.
Is the carrot still inside him? I do not know, though I expect not.
- Then let's get him up.
- How? He always responds well to oral stimulation.
Yeah.
Me too.
Who's there? Listen to me, carrot - I'm not the enemy here.
We can work together.
Oh, have it your way.
This is getting stupid.
Yes.
Yes, that's much better.
Stop and listen for a minute.
See? We can both get what we want once we start communicating.
Where - where am I? You are on the Lexx.
The Lexx, how? But I was just in the Oval Office being briefed about killer carrot probes and then - .
Well, it looks like while you were in the Oval Office, something got into your Oval Office.
How do you feel, my love? Oh, dizzy, weak - - sore.
- Quick! Massage my breasts, - you'll feel better.
- There's no time for that.
There's a vegetable loose on this ship, we have to find it and destroy it.
No argument here.
But it's one tiny little vegetable inside a huge giant ship - where do we start? Of course I wasn't aware there was a carrot probe onboard until it gave off an electronic signal while vacating the President.
At that point I was able to lock on to its frequency and eavesdrop on its transmission to the mother ship.
The mother ship instructed the probe to eject itself from the Lexx and return to Earth.
It was told there was no more useful culinary data to collect, and that the danger in staying was too great.
The probe launched itself into space Pentagon - Pootydude.
General Pootydude, it's Isambard Prince.
How are things progressing with Operation Hard Encounter? Ahead of schedule, sir.
The mission was launched Excellent.
Thank you .
Hard Encounter - what's that? A mission you authorised to destroy the alien mother ship.
Oo, good, excellent.
And when we get back to bed, I'm gonna authorise Operation Hard Encounter part 2.
Even better! Yeah, bed, that's a good idea.
You know, all that food made me really really tired, so - nighty night! - Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Sometimes the game of chess can be played for stakes, and that makes the game much more interesting.
I have nothing of value.
On the contrary - you're a Divine Assassin, with a virtually unstoppable ability to kill a man, any man.
Therefore you could gift your opponent with a sworn promise not to kill him, as his prize if he were to defeat you in a game of chess.
And what would the former ruler of the planet Fire be able to offer as a reward, should he lose the game? You once had a living body.
That body had a spirit, an essence, a soul - whatever you want to call it.
Perhaps I could be of help in putting that soul to rest.
We have nothing in common, and yet this game gives a chance for one of us to achieve our agenda - and that's much better than neither one of us achieving it, isn't it? Something wrong? Perhaps it was something I said.
Kai! I was just thinking about you - of course, that's all I ever do.
Were you thinking of me? I was - but not in the way that you would like.
It occurred to me that your interests and the interests of the alien probe might be complementary.
Meaning? Meaning, that were the probe to annihilate all onboard save for me, that you would be a happy head.
I can't deny it.
Further meaning, that you would have ample motivation to deceive those onboard as to whether or not the alien probe had actually launched itself from the Lexx.
I suggest, that you did deceive Stan, Xev and the others, that the probe is still on the Lexx and - that you are working in co-operation with it.
You make things so hard for me! I wouldn't mind if you made the thing in your pants hard for me too, but I'm still waiting for that, aren't I?! So the alien probe is still on the Lexx.
Yes.
Of course it is.
And I'm not sorry! Not yet.
Stan! What are you doing? Congratulations Xev - you're the house speciality! Kai! What's going on? How'd I get here? You tell me, Stanley.
Er - I was having a bad dream, and I was sleepwalking, yeah, that's it, I was sleepwalking and, er - how are you Xev, you OK? Well good, no harm done, so - back to beddy bye! I don't believe you, Stanley.
- Neither do I.
- But, but it's true, it's true -.
Kai, stop it, stop - come on, you're killing me! Well, that's everybody.
What's this all about? The alien probe is still on the Lexx.
What? But I thought - - the robot head said that -.
- The robot head lied.
What do you expect? I'm gonna crush you to scrap.
Do you have any idea how much that hurt coming out of me?! A lot, I hope.
- You - Some other time, I suggest.
Right now your safety requires capturing the carrot.
And how do you propose that we do that? There are several options.
We can wait until the probe emits a signal, then 790 can locate it electronically and I can track it down and destroy it.
We can set traps at various locations.
I suggest a rig of overhead netting be employed, which can then be dropped on the probe.
Wait, wait a second - that could take forever, I mean how can we trust 790? Or - we could deactivate 790.
Divide into groups and use hand held nets.
However, I believe that there is less chance of success with this method than - .
Bunny wunny snuggle bun! Get her! .
Bunny! - See her? - Yeah yeah yeah - we think she went that way.
My Bunny! It appears to have left her.
My Bunny.
My honey bunny.
So what do we do now? First we must make certain that the probe has not gained entry to anyone here.
Oh yeah, and just how do we do that? You will all disrobe and lean over the edge of the bed with your buttocks raised.
Then I will take this - prong, and insert it, into each of you in turn.
The low voltage electromagnetic flux will penetrate your bodies, and if it elicits no negative ions, you will be considered clean.
Well wait a second, you mean you're gonna put that thing, up our - ? Precisely.
Oh boy.
Oo no - you can't stick a prong in my arse, I'm the President.
You are also the source of all this trouble.
You are right my prince.
You may do as you will with these people.
However, I will not be participating in your little test .
And why not? It's unnecessary.
The probe could no sooner live in me than it could in Kai.
I am not of human constitution.
- Oh no? - No.
Although it's possible that I am perhaps no longer immortal, I am still more deity than man.
The test would have no effect.
Well, let's find out.
- Absolutely not.
- Listen Princey, we're all in this one together.
You may be a god, you may be a man, you're certainly an enigma, but right now you're an enigma, who's about to get an enema - so, drop 'em, pal! Please - .
Drop 'em .
We're gonna hammer those extraterrestrial monkeys into little greasy spots.
We're coming to kill, Houston.
Damn, I love this job - yeehaaw! Clean.
Clean.
Oo - the media must never get hold of this! Clean.
Hello, captain.
Locate military vessel, code name Hard Encounter, near Earth's moon.
As you command, captain.
Flying around in outer space Momma and Poppa weren't making a sound - .
Momma and Poppa - weren't making a sound - .
- Destroy military vessel code name Hard Encounter.
As you command, captain.
Clean.
Clean.
Yes, well, thank you very much.
And now that we have wasted pressure time with your little parlour trick, perhaps we should get back to the business of seeking and destroying the - .
And what, pray tell, - was that? - Why that, er - it sounded like the Lexx, firing its weapon.
But that's not possible, is it? Stanley, why don't you simply ask the Lexx if it fired its weapon? Then we'll know what's happened.
Oh, there's no need to do that.
See, the Lexx couldn't have fired because the Lexx only does what I tell it to do, and because I'm its captain, I'm its only captain.
Say, umm - you guys didn't happen to see Lyekka, LooLoo around anywhere, did you? No.
No.
Why? Oh, I was just wondering.
Why do you ask about her? You already have the key back from her.
Well yeah, but we were friends once, remember, you know, before she stole the key from me, - and I got it back.
- Really.
Lexx - connect me to NASA.
connect me to NASA? If I felt like it - which will never happen! - Kai.
- 790 - .
Oh, all right.
Professor Shnoog, this is Isambard Prince.
I need to know the status of Operation Hard Encounter.
Gone! Gone gone gone gone gone! Goodbye, goodbye - disappeared right - off the radar.
- I wonder how that could have happened? have happened? I don't know and I don't care.
I just wanna suck my dead man's hair.
There goes my re-election.
So - it appears that our mission is still to locate the carrot.
Before it locates us.
Well yeah, OK, as long as we all stick together this time.
My feet are sore! My everything is sore.
Oh, this is hopeless.
The Lexx is too big.
We're never gonna find it.
Shh! It's close.
Quiet now.
Talk to me, robot head.
I still can't quite pinpoint it.
Come on.
Closer, closer - - very close.
- Where is the damn thing? It's close.
It's here.
It's right on top of us.
Where, where? It's - it's behind us!! Where is it? - Here.
- What? You've got the carrot - inside you Kai? - Yes - but not for long.
I'll be right back.
So, dead man - how was your first bowel movement in 6000 years? Dry.
Well, that's one bad carrot down.
And one missing key to the Lexx - still to go.
- Hey, don't worry about it, you know, we'll find it, it's gotta be around here - somewhere.
- Around here somewhere indeed.
Check.
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