Life, Larry and the Pursuit of Unhappiness: an Almost History of America (2026) s01e02 Episode Script

1
In 1803, Thomas Jefferson acquired
the Louisiana Purchase
from Napoleon for 15 million dollars
doubling the size
of the United States
at the very nice price
of 18 dollars per square mile.
President Jefferson tasked Meriwether Lewis
with an expedition west
to explore
and document this new territory.
Lewis chose
his best friend, William Clark,
as his co-leader
on the expedition.
The 8,000-mile journey
was expected to last years,
but before they could even
begin their famous trek,
the biggest obstacle of all
needed to be overcome.
Lewis's wife, Mavis.
Honey!
- Oh my God. Ooh!
- Oh! Oh.
- I missed you so much.
- Oh, my gosh,
- did I miss you! I I
- I'm so happy you're home.
Is that Is that a new bonnet?
It is.
I made it while you were gone.
- Very becoming. Excellent work.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah. Thank you.
- Excellent job.
- Thank you.
You're such
a good seamstress, aren't you?
- Oh, I try. I love it.
- You can make anything
you put those little hands on, can't you?
- See?
- I miss you so much.
- I just miss you. - Yeah.
Um
Oh, listen,
I know you've been gone,
but there's gonna be
a lot of work to do
- around here, okay?
- Yeah.
We have the holes
for the latrines
- Yeah.
- That need to be dug before the rains come.
Don't forget,
there's all the hides
that we have to tan from last year
- that we didn't get to, so we have to do that.
- Yeah. We gotta tan. Yeah.
Oh, my gosh, it's a lot of work, right?
- Yeah.
So how was the meeting
with President Jefferson?
Guess what everybody's
talking about?
- Another Indian massacre?
- No.
- The Louisiana Purchase.
- Oh!
- This is such a big deal.
- Yes. Huge.
So tell me
all about the meeting.
What did he say?
Well
It's
It's crazy, but, uh
you know, he wants me
to explore the, uh,
the Oregon Trail.
- What?
- Yeah. The Louisiana Purchase.
- You?
- Yeah, yeah. He needs maps
- and he
- Maps?
He You know, he wants
to know what he bought.
Uh-huh.
- I
- You just got home, and now you're leaving again?
I know.
Well, you think I want to go?
I want to be here with you.
I want to skin the carcasses.
I want to tan the hides.
I want to can the fruit,
brine the pickles.
I was up for it, ready to do it.
You're doing this alone?
You're going alone
on the Oregon Trail?
- No, no. Uh
- Ah!
- No, uh
- No.
You'll have company.
Clark is, uh
Clark is Clark's going
Clark's gonna go with me.
- William Clark?
- Yeah, yeah, William.
Yeah, William's coming. Yeah.
Your best friend and fishing buddy?
Jefferson wants Clark
to go with me.
- You think I want Clark? He's a whiner.
- Clark?
- He complains all the time.
- Oh.
He's a bad climber.
Guy's got bunions.
- Bunions?
- And all he does is,
"Oh, my foot,
my toes, my toe"
I was doing my best
to get out of it.
- That's all, honey.
- You God.
I don't wanna go exploring
with Clark.
So the president wanted you
to map the Oregon Trail
with your best friend,
William Clark.
It's kind of the definition
of a coincidence.
- Uh-huh.
- Here you have my best friend,
and without even
me mentioning him
to President Jefferson, he says,
"I want William Clark
to go with you."
He doesn't even know
we're friends.
Oh, excuse me.
Who could that be?
- Hey, William!
- Hey!
- Oh my God, what a surprise!
- Clark.
Well, I heard you just got back.
- Yeah! Hey, honey! Look, look.
- William Clark.
- We were just talking about you.
- Oh!
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- How's Abigail?
- Good.
- Right, good, good.
- Yes, good.
And, uh, how are your bunions?
- What? My what?
- Bunions.
- Your bunions? Your bunions.
- Oh.
- The bunions. Yeah, good.
- Your bunion problem.
- Bunions.
- Yeah.
- Bunions are good.
- They're good.
You're doing the, uh, the willow bark, right?
- Willow bark.
- Willow bark? Yeah.
- Yeah, I did the willow bark.
- You chew on it.
- Mm.
No, you're supposed to rub
the bark on the bunions.
I do that, too.
I do a rub and chew,
and then the toe
just went like that.
- A rub and chew?
- Yeah.
- It's a miracle.
- No Yeah, it was a miracle.
All right. Well,
I'll let you two chew the fat.
I have chores to do.
Got chores.
Lot of laundry
- for one person.
- Yeah.
- So, did you tell her?
- Yeah, yeah. I told her.
- Is she cool?
- No, no.
- It's not cool. It's not cool at all. No, no.
- It's not cool?
- Did you tell Abigail?
- Yes, I told her.
- Well, what'd she say?
- Not cool.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, but come on.
- We're going. Yeah, yeah.
- We gotta go.
- Come on.
- There's not even a question about it.
- We're going.
- Yes.
- Okay, good. Good.
- We are going.
- Bring your fishing rod.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- I got lures.
- Oh, beautiful. Yeah.
- I got bait.
What about a net? You got a net?
No, I don't have a net.
- I'm gonna use my hat.
- What?
- Use my hat.
- Great.
- So the whole trip will just be us having fun.
- Yeah.
- Having fun, yeah.
- Fishing.
- Fishing, yeah.
- And And that's it, right?
You know,
we gotta do some exploring.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
What d What does that entail?
Well, I imagine
it's going to a place
you've never been before,
and you
- you know, you look around.
- Oh, we can do that.
- Yeah. It's easy.
- That's not hard.
- It's easy. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You went to Washington.
- Yeah.
- You saw Jefferson.
- Yeah.
- What's he like?
- A prick.
- Really?
- Yeah.
He's a strange guy.
- Always running to France.
- Yeah.
What is he doing in France?
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Hey, what about us?
Can we bring some squaws?
You can't say "squaws" anymore.
- Oh.
- Only they can say squaws.
- They can say squaws.
- Yeah, we can't say squaws.
- Teepee?
- I think teepee's cool.
Wampum? Can you say wampum?
- That's kind of a gray area.
- Ah, whatever.
This trip is gonna be so great.
- So great.
- So great.
What's gonna be so great?
It's a great
It's a great burden
- Yes.
- To have to leave
- Mm-hmm.
- Our families
- and go away on this crazy thing.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- We don't wanna go.
But the responsibility
that we feel to our president
- President, fellow man.
- Our fellow man, our
Service to the country.
Service to the country, that's right.
- Yeah.
You know what? You
- You need to pack, don't you?
- I do.
- No, no.
- Yeah.
I just have
a couple of questions.
So, William,
- President Jefferson
- Mm-hmm.
Chose you
to go on this expedition?
He did.
Ah, so you've met
President Jefferson?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Uh-huh. What's he like?
He's a prick.
Have you ever explored before?
You're an explorer
just by being alive.
'Cause any place I go
that I haven't been,
I'm exploring.
- You're exploring?
- Yes.
Since he got out of the womb,
he's been exploring.
- I observe.
- You should see Look Look at his eyes.
- Yeah.
- Look at the wide-eyed
He's a wide-eyed fella.
He has unbounding curiosity.
And while you're doing that,
I assume that you'll go fishing.
- Yeah, survival fishing.
- Yeah, but
- Right, right.
- Oh, survival?
- So So not fun fishing.
- No, no, no.
- We're not fun fishing.
- Not at all.
- We fish to eat.
- Yeah.
So, uh, how long is
this whole thing gonna take?
- It's gonna take
- Uh, not gonna not very long.
- Not long?
- Couple of years.
Wait. "Couple of years"?
- A couple years? While you're
- No.
He d He doesn't know
what he's talking about, okay?
- At the most.
- No, are you telling me
that this Clark
and Lewis expedition
is gonna take a couple of years?
- Who? The what?
It's not Clark and Lewis.
It's Lewis and Clark.
- No, it's Clark and Lewis.
- What
- Please. Can Please.
- Clark and Lewis, alphabetical.
We're Lewis and Clark,
that's it.
It is interesting
- to look at it alphabetically.
- Yes.
You can look
at it alphabetically,
but that doesn't
make it interesting.
- It's like ham and eggs.
- Right.
Eggs precedes ham
in the alphabet
- Mm-hmm.
- And yet it sounds
so much better
when you say "ham and eggs."
Yet it tastes the same,
whether it's "ham and eggs"
or "eggs and ham."
Nobody's eating us, Clark.
Something's eating me.
Is anybody else going
on this trip with you?
- No, no, no.
- No, no, no.
- No?
- Mm-mm. No, yeah.
- Couple Indian gals.
- "Gals"?
Indian women are going?
But they're old.
- Old Indian gals?
- Old Indians.
- Yes.
- Uh-huh.
- Old, infirmed.
- Yeah.
- Infirm?
- Yes.
Gnarled.
- Gnarled.
- "Gnarled"?
- Gnarled, yes.
- Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Why are they sending
squaws with you?
- Oh, you can't you can't say squaws.
- You can't say squaws.
- Can't say squaws?
- Can't say squaws.
- No.
- Okay. What are they gonna do?
- They're gonna navigate.
- We need directions.
- Directions.
- Yeah.
Who knows better
than the old Indian women?
- Right. That's right.
- No. Yeah, you have a point.
- Besides, they wanna get them off the reservation
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- Because they're unsightly.
They don't really want
- They're unsightly?
- All right. You know what?
I'm just so curious about this.
You You need to
You need to pack. No?
- I do. I got clothes on the line. I
- Packing to do.
- Yeah. Okay. Gotta go.
- Yeah.
All right.
I'll see you in a minute.
- Can you believe it?
- Can you believe it?
She
She bought the whole thing?
- The whole thing.
- The whole thing.
- Everything. The bunions. I don't know what a bunion is.
- The bun The bunions. We
- I've never had a bunion.
- Well, how about how about
- how about the rub and chew?
- Hey, listen.
Would you come with me
to my house and talk to Abigail
so I can get off the hook
like you did?
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Yeah, of course.
- Come on. Let's go to my house.
Okay, come on.
- Where are you going?
- Where are you going?
My house.
- Yeah, it's this way.
- No, it isn't.
It's right down the path.
Yeah, that path over there.
Are you sure?
I think so.
Huh? What am I thinking of?
- I I thought it
- I thought
Our democracy
differs from others
in that a candidate
can be elected president
even if they don't get
the most votes.
Odd, no?
For reasons that defy logic,
the Founding Fathers enshrined
in the Constitution
the Electoral College
which, confusingly,
is not a university.
It's not even a place,
but a process,
where each state has
a certain number of electors
determined by their population.
Because of this bizarre process,
five times in U.S. history,
the winner of the popular vote
has lost the presidency.
In 1876,
Democrat Samuel J. Tilden
ran against the Republican
Rutherford B. Hayes.
On election night,
the volatile Tilden
awaited the results
in his hotel room.
- This is brilliant.
- Thank you.
What a brilliant
acceptance speech.
- Thank you!
- Thank you, Governor.
How about this line?
"From the shores of the Hudson
to the rolling hills
of the North Country,
- your voices have been heard."
- "Have been heard."
- Hope I get to deliver this.
- Thank you, sir.
I'm thinking of
Seaburn for Treasury.
Yes.
- Coleman for State.
- It's creative.
Not really any experience
in foreign affairs, but
No, but you can control him.
- Yeah, absolutely.
- Yeah.
I'll tell you
what else I'm thinking.
I'm thinking of making you
the first Black cabinet member.
- Postmaster General, you, sir!
- Oh! Wow.
I don't know what to say.
- Wonderful.
- You, sir!
I'll deliver.
You'll deliver! I love it!
I love it!
Um, just been thinking about
moving into the White House.
First of all,
we gotta change the mattress.
Grant I'm not gonna sleep
on his disgusting
- He drinks, he smokes in bed.
- Yeah.
I'm I'm pretty sure
they're gonna handle that.
Do they bring in a new mattress?
- Absolutely.
- We don't know that.
You know what they'll do?
They'll flip the mattress.
That's what they'll do.
- That's like 100 years of nastiness.
- Mm-hmm.
We gotta get all new sheets.
Who pays for that?
Do I pay for that personally?
- Taxpayers.
- What about the moving itself?
We got our guys in there
ready to do that.
- What about the tipping, when the movers
- The tipping?
What do you tip those guys?
'Cause sometimes you have no
change, you gotta give them a dollar.
We're not giving
anybody a dollar.
This whole White House thing,
it's the people's house.
- People pay.
- So I'm not paying for shit?
You don't pay for jack shit.
- I like the sound of that.
- Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Governor, I have the results
of the election.
Eighty-two percent
of the country voted.
Almost an entire nation.
The popular vote winner,
by 250,000 votes,
is Governor Tilden.
But
But
- But
- Time to light up.
- Let's find something.
- I didn't bring mine.
There's more.
- Say what now?
- What?
The Electoral College vote.
One hundred-eighty-four, Tilden.
One hundred-eighty-five, Hayes.
- Come again?
- What?
Hayes won.
Wait, what?
- He's the president.
- Huh?
Wait, what? Huh?
Huh?
You lost.
No! No! I won! I won!
I won! I won!
I had the most votes!
What the fuck is an Electoral College?
- Yeah!
You can't just take a vote!
What kind of bullshit is that?
It's in the Constitution.
No, no, no! It's not fair!
It's not fair! I won! I won!
What kind of country is this?
- It's a democracy.
- No, it's not a democracy!
I got the most votes!
Who made this up,
this Electoral College?
The Founding fucking Fathers?
What a bunch of morons!
Madison, I'd like to punch him
in his face.
That prick! The person
with the most votes wins!
Oh, Jesus!
- Governor, please calm down.
- Which states screwed us?
Louisiana, South Carolina,
and Florida.
Florida! Oh, those cocksuckers!
- Everything all right?
- What the fuck do you want?
- Mr. President!
- Get the fuck out of here!
- Get out, you lickspittle!
- Oh! Whoa!
Why do we even have
an Electoral College?
Because the Republicans won't
pass a constitutional amendment
because they'll know
they'll lose every election,
those cocksuckers!
It's the only competition
in the world
where if you win, you lose!
You lose! You lose!
You lose! You lose!
Oh, jeez.
- It's not fair.
- Makes no sense.
We need to work
on your concession speech.
Governor, no!
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Oh, no! Governor, no! Wait!
- Jeez, sir!
- Governor! No!
- I'm the president! I'm the president!
- AIDE 3: Don't kill yourself!
- Governor, it's not worth it! It's not worth it!
- I won, I won!
I won! I'm the president!
The Great Depression began
with the stock market crash
in October, 1929.
Stock prices plummeted
50 percent in ten weeks
wiping out billions in wealth.
People lost their jobs,
their life savings,
and their homes.
Financial ruin
and high unemployment led
to widespread despair,
and suicide was rampant.
Lines for soup kitchens
stretched for blocks.
People were grateful
for any handouts they could get.
Well, most people.
Extra, extra.
Hoover says
it's the Coolidge Depression.
Read all about it.
Hoover says
it's the Coolidge Depression.
What's the hold up today?
Look at this.
There's no end
to this line, you know?
- It's crazy.
- Unbelievable.
Yeah. Terrible.
Hey, uh, Ralph.
How you doing, man?
- Been a long time.
- Hey, pal.
Can I get a spare cigarette?
- What are you doing?
I'm just having a little talk
with, uh, my buddy Ralph here.
Give me a break. You hardly
even know this guy, I'm sure.
We go way back.
We played baseball together.
He's not
your buddy. You're lying.
I know what you're doing.
You're doing a chat-and-cut.
You can't do that here.
I don't even know
what a chat-and-cut is.
It's when you pretend
that you know somebody
better than you do
so you can sneak on the line.
We grew up together.
Chat-and-cuts are only
for immediate family.
Not even cousins are allowed.
Who appointed you
as the chancellor
- of the chat-and-cut?
- My father.
And he died,
and now I'm the new chancellor.
Your father was full of shit,
and you're full of shit, too.
Twenty years ago, I would have
beat the shit out of you.
- Yeah, sure. Good luck with the soup.
- MAN 3: Scram to the rear!
I mean, of course, I wouldn't
have beat the shit out of him.
I couldn't beat
the shit out of anybody,
- but it's it's fun to say. I can tell you that. Yeah.
- It is. It is fun to say.
- Yeah.
- It would be fun to be able to say and back it up.
- You know?
- I know. I could picture it, actually.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- I could picture it, yeah.
Oh, by the way, did you hear
about Stu Mackey?
Committed suicide.
Jumped off a bridge.
- Oh my God.
- I know.
I know him very well.
Yeah, he left a suicide note,
said goodbye to everybody,
mentioned his wife,
family, close friends,
Marty, Bob, Mel, Jeff Salcido.
Did he he mention me?
Mm. I don't think so, no.
- He didn't mention me?
- No, he did not.
I know him way better
than Jeff Salcido.
Wonder why he didn't mention me.
I just saw him last week.
We were
on the breadline together.
We exchanged
a lot of confidences, okay?
- I opened up to him.
- Right.
I confided in him about
how I got out of the Great War.
- Really?
- By pretending I was crazy.
- You did that?
- Yeah.
I went in there, and I went
"Uh, this is I haven't been
out of my house in five years.
- This is the first time."
- Oh my God.
"I can't fight anybody.
I don't"
- Yeah.
- I didn't know imbecile was like a category.
- So it is.
- By the way,
let's keep my army thing,
uh, between us.
Right.
I told them I was a homosexual.
- That's how I got out of it.
- Smart.
Yeah. I mean, I'm not, you know?
I mean,
that goes without saying.
- Why did you say it?
- Well, I'm just saying
Seems to me
if it goes without saying,
there was there's really
no reason to say it.
Sometimes when it goes
without saying,
you just have to say
that it goes without saying
just to make sure
nobody says it.
- Right.
- I'm saying don't tell anybody that's what I did.
- To get out of the army.
- Exactly.
- Sure.
- Right? Yeah.
That goes
without saying too, right?
- Again.
- That's a separate thought.
- Um
- You know what I'm saying?
Sure.
Keep it moving.
I just don't get why I wasn't
mentioned in that note.
Is it possible I
I offended him in some way?
What did you say?
Did you say something to him?
Well, I I complimented him
on his potato sack.
- You did what?
- Yeah, he was wearing a potato sack,
and I thought
it was very becoming on him
compared to other potato sacks.
It was a really
good-looking potato sack.
So I said, "Hey,
that's a nice potato sack."
You told him it was nice?
A lot of people
can't pull it off.
He actually could.
He looked good in it.
Nobody tries to pull off
a potato sack.
He was clearly embarrassed.
I asked him actually
where he got the potato sack
in case I might need to get one.
It was a compliment.
Look at that potato sack.
Would you wear that? No.
Look at that potato sack.
It's terrible.
- No
- He looks awful in it. You know, it's all relative.
There are terrible potato sacks.
There have to be
good potato sacks.
- No.
- He had a particularly good potato sack.
So, you're saying
attractive potato sack?
In comparison to these others,
that's all I'm saying.
You know what? Regardless,
it's no reason
not to mention someone
in a suicide note.
It's just not fair.
Next. Here you go.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
- First of all,
- thank you for the soup.
- You're welcome.
May I make a suggestion?
- Okay.
- It's a little bland.
- Soup's fine.
- Could use a little salt.
- Yeah, there's no salt.
- No salt?
- We don't salt the soup.
- It's a little unusual.
Usually there's soup,
there's salt.
Hey, buddy,
beggars can't be choosers.
You know what?
I'm a choosy beggar.
You want to give the soup back?
We got plenty of other people
here who'll eat the soup.
- I'll eat the soup.
- Oh, okay.
Keep it moving.
One soup, one bread.
Hey, you got bread?
I didn't get any bread.
Bread, bread, bread, bread.
Everybody's got bread.
You know anybody
with worse luck than me?
Stu Mackey.
- I'm getting bread.
- Next!
- I didn't get any bread.
- Hey!
Hey, what are you doing?
No, no, no. I'm just getting
a piece of bread.
You gotta get in line to get the bread.
- But I was already in line.
- You already got bread.
I didn't get bread.
You sandbagging son of a bitch!
You're cutting the line.
- I'm not cutting.
- Yep. Chat-and-cutter.
- Get to the back.
- You don't go
to the back of the line
for bread.
- Get back. Back of the line.
- Get to the back.
Ah, shut up! Shut up.
It's annoying!
Just go back of the line.
Uh, go to hell!
Drop dead, the whole bunch
of you, you filthy bums.
Twenty years ago, I'd beat
the shit out of all of you.
- Yeah, sit down.
- Yeah, 20 years ago.
Not now.
Not now, but 20 years ago,
I could have.
Either take a seat or get out of here.
- Twenty years ago.
- You didn't get any bread?
- No.
- Hmm.
- Hey.
Is that Stu Mackey's widow
on the line?
Mm. Yeah, Gloria. Really sad.
I'm gonna ask her
about that note.
That doesn't sound
like a good idea.
- I'll be right back.
- Next!
Gloria.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Heard about Stu.
- Mm.
- So sorry.
- Thank you.
Oh, did you have any idea
this was going to happen?
I had no idea.
Did he ever tell you that
he was depressed or anything?
No, he seemed so happy.
- He'd just purchased a brand-new potato sack.
- Hmm.
You know, I complimented him
on that potato sack.
I thought he looked great in it.
I mean, you look at some
of these other potato sacks,
forget it. His was way better.
Reminds me so much of him.
- Oh, the potato sacks? Yeah.
- Yeah.
Do you think about him
every time you eat a potato?
You know what?
I was a little, uh, jealous.
In case I needed a potato sack,
- I'd like to get one like that.
- Mm.
Do you still have
the potato sack?
- He jumped in the potato sack.
- Ah!
We don't have it anymore.
Why would you jump
in your best potato sack?
- Guess we'll never know.
- Stu.
- You know, we were close.
- Mm.
Did he ever talk about me?
- No.
- Not a word?
He told me
you guys talked a little.
Like, he informed me how you got
out of fighting in the war
by pretending to be an imbecile.
That was personal.
He shouldn't have told you that.
Well, we shared things, Larry.
We were married.
Well, you didn't share
that much.
He didn't tell you
why he killed himself.
I'm just saying, you said
you share a lot everything,
you were married,
but he didn't share that.
You know, I'm really just
trying to remember
the good times right now.
Would you say
he had a negative opinion
of me pretending
to be an imbecile?
Why would you ask that?
Because he wrote this lengthy,
from what I understand, suicide note.
The note.
But he did mention
a lot of people I know
- in the note.
- Many people.
But not me.
No. Never mentioned you.
And I'm just wondering,
why leave a guy like me
- out of a note like that?
- Why do you care?
'Cause it's not fair.
So my husband jumps off a bridge
and commits suicide,
but him leaving you out
of this note is what's unfair?
You can see how my feelings
would be hurt by that.
I'm so sorry for you.
Thank you.
Um, anyway,
water under the bridge.
Oh, God.
Yeah, okay.
Forget water, and
Forget water and bridges.
Um, just, uh,
let's put it behind us.
- It's really hard to think about.
- I guess it is. I guess it is.
- Very, very sad.
- I'm really I'm really
really sorry. Really sorry.
- Thank you.
- And you're doing okay?
- Are you doing ok
- No, I'm doing terrible.
I've never been so sad
in my whole life.
- I can barely keep it together.
- Let me propose this, okay?
There's a soup kitchen downtown.
Way better than this one.
The lines are very short.
They got great coffee.
Let's go there
and get some coffee.
- What?
- Come on. We'll sit down.
Have a couple of laughs.
- Me and you?
- Yeah.
Larry, I'm I'm mourning.
Yes, yes, of course, mourn.
Mourn away.
Far be it for me to take away
from a good mourn.
But, you know, mourners have
to eat and drink.
Mourners do everything
a regular person does,
but they do it
in a slower, somber way.
Mourners are
like regular people,
except they don't really
have a spring to their step.
Like, I've walked
with mourners before,
and it's really difficult.
Like, after ten minutes,
I turned around,
the mourner was 50 yards
behind me.
I said, "Come on, mourner,
catch up.
Come on, move it, mourner."
Hey, if I had to give
one piece of advice
to a non-mourner, it would be,
"Never go on a hike
with a mourner
because you will live
to regret it."
Okay, Larry, here's the thing.
Let me make this
- very clear here, okay?
- Sure.
- If I wasn't a mourner
- Okay, you're not a mourner.
If I wasn't in mourning,
if I was a single person
and you were the last man
- on this planet
- Mm.
- I wouldn't go on any hikes with you
- Hmm.
Or drink any coffees
- Yeah.
- Or liquids together.
Okay, I get that.
That's a 50-50 thing.
You got a coin flip,
you get the coffee,
- you don't get the
- Shut up, Larry.
Get to the back
of the fucking line.
Okay.
Oh, hey.
You know what? Could you get
an extra piece of bread?
- 'Cause I didn't get any bread
- Back of the line.
- No chat-and-cuts.
- I was on the back of the line.
- I did the back of the line.
- Back of the line.
I was on the back of the line.
- Look at him! Repeat offender.
- This fucking guy.
- I did the back of the line.
- Habitual chat-and-cutter.
Back of the line!
Back of the fucking line.
They didn't give me any bread!
George Washington was nearing the end
of his second term.
And though
the Constitution allowed
for unlimited re-election
Washington thought
that it was best for the country
that he step aside, proving
to his fellow citizens
that his commitment was to democracy
instead of power.
Washington also warned against
the rise of political factions.
He feared that if people voted
in line with party loyalty
instead of the common interest
of the nation,
it could promote
a spirit of revenge,
leading to the rise of cunning,
ambitious, and unprincipled men
who would take the reins
of government,
but that could never happen.
My fellow citizens,
I stand before you today
as your president to announce
that I shall not be seeking
a third term.
Your country needs you!
No, in order to ensure
the success
of our fledgling democracy,
I believe that no man
should serve more
than two terms as president.
And I hope
that future presidents
will follow my lead.
What if some future president
doesn't follow your lead
and, uh, runs for a third term?
There are remedies for that.
The Congress can pass
a constitutional amendment
that would prohibit that.
Well, what if there's
some asshole in office,
some narcissistic prick,
who doesn't follow
the Constitution?
Yeah!
- Yeah.
- Then what?
I understand your fervor, sir,
but perhaps
you could temper your language.
My apologies, Mr. President.
You know, I This really
gets up my dander, this stuff.
- You know?
- I understand.
But rest assured,
even if this future president
violated the Constitution,
then the Congress
of the United States
and the United States
Supreme Court
would not allow it.
But what if the Supreme Court
is a bunch of yes-men,
and Congress
is a bunch of pussies
who care more about party
than country?
Huh?
Uh, I can't even fathom
the existence of such men.
But to further ensure
the success
of this grand experiment,
I would suggest
that after every
presidential election,
there be
a peaceful transfer of power
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Where the loser accepts
the results of the election
and full-throatedly
endorses the victor.
As it should be!
Anyone who wouldn't accept
the results
of a free and fair election
is a sociopath.
A madman.
A man like that could even
foment an insurrection
rather than just admit
that he lost.
- What a cock-sucker!
- A scoundrel!
He could use the presidency
to enrich himself
and his family.
No, no.
He could send troops
into American cities
to terrorize
and even kill American citizens,
all to distract from the fact
that he's friends
with a pedophile!
He could attack universities,
even the free press,
silencing anyone
who dares to criticize him.
Ah, come on.
That could never happen.
- That's what you think.
- Are you suggesting
that the president
would taketh the time
to challenge anyone
who dare make fun of him,
as if he were a big baby?
A big baby.
I don't see it.
Could that even happen in this country?
- What duly-elected president
would do such a thing?
An insecure, lying asshole!
Who would even cheat at golf!
He would cheat at golf!
Ah, that's sick!
- That's vile.
- What is golf?
It's a game
they invented in Scotland.
It's a lot of fun.
What kind of man
would cheat at this golf?
An asshole.
A sick man!
And did I mention
that he's best friends
with a pedophile?
Please, citizens, be calm.
He is only talking
hypothetically.
In reality,
a man of such poor character
would never be elected president
in the first place.
I'm just spitballing here,
Mr. President,
but what if he was
a deeply corrupt con man,
a pathological liar who preys
on people's prejudices?
- Yeah!
- Are you positing
that our electorate is a
a collection of dupes
that would be swayed
by such a scoundrel?
Yes, Mr. President!
That's exactly
what I'm positing!
If they voted for him,
they must like him!
That's the will of the people!
That's stupidity!
That's democracy!
Voting for an asshole like that
is the end of our democracy!
You're an asshole!
- You're an asshole!
- You're an asshole! You and you!
No, you are! You are! You are!
Shut up, bitch!
Citizens, please!
Stop! This is madness!
Citizens!
- Yeah!
- You're a cock!
- People! Citizens! Stop! I
- Civil war.
I implore you, I beseech you!
This is madness! Citizens!
We're fucked.