Life, Larry and the Pursuit of Unhappiness: an Almost History of America (2026) s01e05 Episode Script
Lincoln
("THE STARS
AND STRIPES FOREVER" PLAYING) ♪
SAMUEL L. JACKSON:
October 26th, 1881,
- Tombstone, Arizona.
- (BROODING WESTERN
MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JACKSON: The Earp brothers,
Wyatt and Virgil,
and the gunslinger Doc Holliday
faced off against
the infamous Clanton Gang
- in a legendary shootout
at the O.K. Corral.
- (GUNSHOTS)
JACKSON: In reality,
the shootout didn't happen
in the corral at all,
but in a vacant lot
behind the corral
at the end of Fremont Street.
The gunfight took three lives,
but there are many
conflicting theories
- on what caused the fight
in the first place.
- (GUNSHOTS WHIZZING)
JACKSON: Some say the fight
never would've happened
if not for the presence
of an annoying, troublesome,
irritating arrival
from back East.
- (WHIMSICAL PIANO
MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- DRIVER: Hyah! Hup! Hup!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
DOC HOLLIDAY: All right,
the game's seven-card stud.
LAWRENCE: Seven-card stud.
Deal 'em out, Doc.
- (POKER CHIPS CLACKING)
- (HESITATES) Wyatt, Wyatt.
(HESITATES) With the chips,
always playing with the chips.
You're making a racket.
Come on, man. Huh?
I'm sorry, Lawrence,
that bothering you?
- Yeah.
- Pot's right.
"Earp." (SCOFFS)
What an odd name.
What-- What is that?
Where's-- Where's that from?
- It's a common name.
- Really?
- All over Eastern Europe.
- Eastern Europe?
A western part
of Eastern Europe.
- Yeah, if you go
to the western part
- Oh.
of Eastern Europe,
you can't throw a rock
- and not hit an Earp.
- That's right.
- There are tons of Earps
all over.
- WYATT EARP: There's Earps
- Western Eastern Europe?
- WYATT: "Hey, Earp!
Hey, hey, Earp!"
VIRGIL EARP:
It's especially the central part
of western Eastern Europe.
- Exactly. The Earps are
- Yeah.
- central western
Eastern European people.
- Huh.
- DOC: Pot's right.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- An ace.
- (CHUCKLES) Well, looky here.
- And an ace of spades over here.
- Well, looky here.
- Looky here.
- (HORSE NEIGHS)
- WYATT: Oh, oh, oh, oh!
- DOC: Hey! What are you doing?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Sit down, card cheat.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
No, I'm not cheating.
I'm not cheating.
I'm just checking on the horse.
I'm concerned about the horse.
- What's wrong with your horse?
- You know,
I don't tie a very good knot.
I make a loop.
I put it through a loop.
(HESITATES) I just don't even
know how to do it.
I lack knot confidence.
Is there something
wrong with you?
Did you get hurt
in the war or anything?
I wasn't in the war, Doc.
I had "bone spurs."
(COUGHS)
Oh, jeez.
Maybe you should see
another doctor.
Maybe you should mind
your own business.
Hey, Doc, were you
a gunslinger first
and then decided
to go to med school?
Or did you go
to med school and go,
"Eh, I think I'd rather be
a gunslinger"?
Seems like an odd combination.
(CHUCKLES) I don't know
many killer doctors.
All right, it's my bet.
By the way, you think
getting up twice a night
to pee is, uh
You think that's excessive?
Are you here to play cards
or get an exam?
Oh, I get it. You want me
to come to the office
so you can charge me
for a visit.
Smart, very shrewd.
- He's actually just a dentist.
- Oh.
(BROODING
WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(HORSE NEIGHS)
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, hell!
Oh, good heavens!
That's right.
TOWNSPERSON: (GASPS)
It's the Clantons.
(MUSIC RISES SHARPLY) ♪
(CLICKS TONGUE)
IKE CLANTON:
Billy, look at this asshole.
Can't hitch on this side,
can't hitch on that side.
Took up the whole damn post.
Yeah, he took up
the whole damn post.
That's what I just said, Billy.
- Oh, right.
- God damn it!
- DOC: Diamond's bet.
- (WHIMSICAL PIANO
MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- JOHNNY WHISKERS: Gentlemen.
- Oh my God, what is this?
- Are you serious?
- What?
You got your fingers
in the glass.
Johnny Whiskers, come on,
you know better than that.
How am I gonna drink that?
You're worried about
my fingers in your beer?
- Yes, yes!
- These are the cleanest thing
in this joint!
You're sitting across
from a guy with TB, okay?
Cleetus and Bo over there
have the Santa Ana squirts
and half the whores in here
have syphilis.
All right, calm down, Whiskers.
Hey Johnny, which half
of the whores has the syphilis?
The bottom half.
(MENACING
WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(PATRONS GASPING, MURMURING)
All right!
Who's the goddamn ingrate
who hitched their horse
in the middle of that post?
- Right in the middle.
- No, shut the fuck up, Billy!
It's me.
There should be room
for two horses.
- So, whoever you are,
Mr. Pig-Parker
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- PATRON: Oh, my!
- (PATRONS GASPING, MURMURING)
- go fix your hitch.
- LAWRENCE: (CHUCKLES)
Wait, wait.
Wait a second.
Are you calling me a pig-parker?
- I reckon I am.
- (PATRONS MURMURING)
- Mm.
- Talk like that
can get a man killed.
I don't give a shit.
I want him out there
fixing that hitch right now.
Now, hold up,
we got a double pot here.
I got 35 dollars in it.
Ain't nobody going anywhere
unless I say so.
Is that so?
- (REVOLVER COCKS)
- (PATRONS GASPING)
- So.
- (PATRONS MURMURING)
It's only out of respect
to Johnny Whiskers
behind the bar that I don't blow
your fucking head off
right here, right now.
We all have tremendous respect
for Johnny Whiskers,
- no question about it. Yeah.
- Pours a good whiskey.
Tremendous respect
for Johnny Whiskers.
- WYATT: Of course we do.
Love you, Johnny.
- Yes.
- VIRGIL: He's the best.
- All right, all right.
Let's settle this like men.
3:00 p.m. at the O.K. Corral.
- 3:00?
- I can do 3:00.
Yeah, I I can make 3:00 work.
Yeah! 3:00, yeah.
I got one question, though.
Are we meeting
inside the corral?
Inside the corral.
(HESITATES)
What about the horses?
Well-- Okay-- Valid point.
We'll meet outside the corral.
You mean in that ditch?
No, down there by the sign.
The sign that's right
outside the corral, you know?
I don't think that sign's
even there anymore.
- Yeah, you're right.
That sign's gone.
- I haven't seen it.
- It's been gone for years.
- Well, I don't know,
we'll just do it out
(HESITATES) to the left
of the corral.
Whose left? If you're--
What way are you looking?
WYATT: Your left or our left?
How are you facing it,
if it's round?
You're facing the corral
(HESITATES)
Okay, but I don't even think
the corral's a good idea,
to be honest with you.
You know the lot,
what is that, Frement?
- Fremont?
- LAWRENCE: Fre-- Yeah, Fremont.
There's a lot.
We can do it right there.
Well, I'm gonna call it
the corral.
Fine, call it what you want,
but we'll meet in the lot.
We'll go to the south end
of the corral.
- WYATT: The lot.
- And then you'll--
- VIRGIL: The lot, yeah.
- It's the corral today, though.
We're at the south end
of the corral.
You're at the north end
of the corral.
- VIRGIL: The lot.
- This is good,
except which is the north side?
I don't know.
Yeah, see? Yeah.
You know? Did you know?
All right, all right!
3:00 p.m. at the corral.
So, we're gonna meet
at the "corral"-slash-lot,
and then
how does it get underway?
- What are the procedures?
- The--
- Yeah, the dynamics
of the shootout.
- The dynamics of the
We get back-to-back,
we take 20 steps each.
- Jesus.
- That lot,
- you can't do 20 steps.
- VIRGIL: Here we go.
- You can't do 20 steps
in that lot.
- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
We'll go back-to-back,
we'll take ten steps.
Twenty's too much.
- All right, we can do that.
- WYATT: What?
No, guys,
why are we doing any paces?
It's not a duel,
it's a shootout.
- Right.
- So, it's just you guys show up,
we show up.
Well, if we're gonna have
a fair shootout,
it's not gonna be like,
"Just show up
and then pull your gun out."
He's looking for more
organization to this.
We're looking for helter--
helter-skelter, yeah.
- WYATT: Yeah.
- If you're a good shot,
it don't matter.
LAWRENCE: How do we know
when it starts?
We're starting
right at three o'clock
so we'll get there
a little early,
so that when 3:00 hits,
we start shooting.
So, if you wanna get there
- at 2:55
- VIRGIL: We'll get there
at 2:55.
so you can be ready
for three o'clock,
- that's what we do.
- Johnny can alert us.
He can ring that bell
down there at the mission.
Okay. We're gonna go
to the corral at 3:00 p.m.
- The lot.
- A little before 3:00.
I'm calling it the corral!
Yeah, he's really fixated
on calling it "corral."
Let him do it. Go ahead.
Okay? See you there,
pig-parker.
Wait, how about this idea?
We all start here
and walk over together.
- No.
- No.
- No-- Shut the fuck up, Billy!
- DOC: I don't know about this.
If we all walk together,
that's such an awkward
- Yeah, it's just
an uncomfortable
- I guess it is. It's awkward.
- 3:00 p.m. at the corral.
- WYATT: The lot.
- We'll see you there.
- See you at 3:00.
Yeah.
- See you there.
- (FOREBODING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Well, boys, we all might eat
a little lead here.
WYATT: Gotta do
what we gotta do.
DOC: And these things
can get bloody.
Some of us
might not make it back.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- (SCOFFS) First of all,
I gotta say,
I am so honored
to be at a shootout
with the Earp brothers
and Doc Holliday. This is crazy.
- Well
- LAWRENCE: This is really
gonna be something.
Unfortunately, I just realized
that I got the blacksmith
at 3:00.
- I gotta bring my horse in.
- WYATT: Today?
Do you know how hard it is
to get an appointment with him?
It's impossible.
- DOC: Yeah, it really is.
Yeah, no.
- Oh, God. What a disappointment.
- I was so looking forward
to that.
- VIRGIL: What a tough break.
- Mm. We'll move it to 4:00.
- (MUTTERS)
- WYATT: I can do 4:00.
- No, no--
You know,
4:00 is actually better for me.
How are the Clantons--
(HESITATES) You can't--
Johnny can go
and tell the Clantons, yeah.
No, you don't wanna
bother Johnny.
Yeah, yeah. No.
No-- No problem. I can--
I'll go chase 'em down.
They're not but
at the end of the street.
- WYATT: We can do 4:00
if they can do 4:00.
- VIRGIL: Yeah.
- All right, I'll go tell 'em.
- All right. Thanks, Johnny.
- Yep. They'll understand.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SIGHS) Okay.
- Four o'clock it is.
- Yeah.
Before a shootout, by the way,
I need a lot of time
to get ready.
I bathe, change my outfit.
You know, this is not
a gunfight outfit.
- Yeah.
- LAWRENCE: Okay?
This four o'clock idea
was brilliant, by the way.
VIRGIL: We'll see you then.
4:00 actually works
better for them too.
- WYATT: Oh, good.
- JOHNNY: So yeah,
it's on, four o'clock.
You know what? 3:55, 3:55!
- (DRAMATIC
WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (HORSE NEIGHS)
(GUNSHOTS IN DISTANCE)
- Come on, Jonesy!
Come on, you motherfucker!
- (HORSE NEIGHS)
Let's get outta here!
(GUNSHOTS CONTINUE)
(LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪
- ("BATTLE HYMN
OF THE REPUBLIC" PLAYING) ♪
- JACKSON: On April 9th, 1865,
Confederate General
Robert E. Lee
- surrendered at Appomattox,
ending the civil war.
- (INDISTINCT CHEERING)
JACKSON: The stress on Lincoln
during the war was immense,
made even more difficult
by his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln,
who was by all accounts
a handful.
But now the war was over
and the country could heal.
Except that five days later,
on the night of April 14th,
President Lincoln
and his wife, Mary,
were attending a play,
Our American Cousin,
at Ford's Theatre
in Washington, D.C.,
and there, John Wilkes Booth,
an actor
and Confederate sympathizer,
- assassinated
President Abraham Lincoln
- (GUNSHOT)
shouting,
"Sic semper tyrannis!"
the Virginia state motto.
Abraham Lincoln
became the first president
to be assassinated in office.
And while John Wilkes Booth
is remembered
as one of America's
greatest villains,
one could argue
just as much fault lies
with the idiot
who convinced Lincoln
- to go see the play.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
(SOFT HOPEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- ABRAHAM LINCOLN: All right.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
Well, Mr. President,
I think that's it for today.
- The war is over.
- LAWRENCE BUTTERFIELD:
I heard a rumor
that Grant was a little tipsy
at Appomattox.
I hear the same.
"Appomattox."
That's a tough one.
- Can you spell Appomattox?
- (CHUCKLES) Yes!
I'll bet you a nickel you can't.
- All right.
- Go ahead. Take a shot.
A-P-P-O
M-E-T-E-X.
- Not even close.
- Really?
A-P-P-O-M-A-T-T-O-X.
There's no "E."
You owe me a nickel.
- LINCOLN: All right.
- BUTTERFIELD: Pay up.
I don't have it on me,
but you know I'm good for it.
- Really? Do I know that?
- "Honest Abe."
- Are you?
- I've never told a lie.
No, you don't tell a lie but,
you know, sometimes you forget.
- Oh.
- BUTTERFIELD: Let me ask you
a question.
If I remind you--
Let's say five days go by,
and I remind you,
would you think less of me?
It's pretty petty.
Who's pettier in this situation?
The guy who welches on the bet?
Or the guy who asked
for the money
from the person who welched?
Maybe I'll pay you,
I'll pay you.
- Maybe I'll pay you.
Maybe I won't pay you.
- We made a bet.
- It's a crazy bet.
- You said yes to the bet!
All right. I'll give you
a nickel at some point.
- You know I'm good for it.
- BUTTERFIELD: Okay.
By the way,
did you happen to see
a a yellow scarf
around the office?
I left it here
a couple of days ago.
- Uh, no.
- BUTTERFIELD: You haven't?
I haven't-- I haven't seen a--
'Cause I saw Mary
wearing a very
similar scarf.
I-- I think I know what this is.
Um, I believe I, um
(CLEARS THROAT)
I think-- I think, uh, Mary
might have, uh, picked it up.
I assumed she bought that
someplace else.
- Uh-huh.
- She was wearing it.
- You saw her wearing the scarf?
- I did.
- She took my scarf?
- She likes the way you dress.
Did you say anything?
I did say something,
but I said it really quiet.
- Did she hear you?
- No.
Why didn't you say,
"That's Butterfield's scarf"?
She likes things
and she takes it.
I don't give a shit.
She stole my scarf.
- I want that scarf back.
- Then you take it up with her.
You're a grown man.
I don't want to be
in the middle of this.
I did the war
almost to get away from her.
Her voice makes me insane.
I'd rather hear men dying.
Hey, would you do me a favor?
Is there any way that you can go
into her closet?
I'm not going up there.
You go up there!
I can't go upstairs
into her closet.
You don't have
to look her in the eye!
- Just let her start talking!
- What, you think
I'm gonna talk to her?
- Just talk to her!
- I don't wanna talk to her!
- You talk to her!
- I can't talk to her.
She's nuts!
You don't think
I know she's nuts?
I live with her!
I'm married to her!
She's the mother
of my dead children.
- She-- She needs
She needs to be
- Oh, I know.
- You know?
- I know.
- You know?
- Wait, what are you saying?
- I don't know.
- She needs to be sent someplace.
Oh, no, we've tried that.
- In the-- In the loony bin.
- LINCOLN: They didn't want her.
They threw her
out of the mental institution.
I came to pick her up
and they went,
"Hey, she's bananas."
That's why the place exists.
For bananas.
She was too bananas
for the bananas.
You're saying
that she couldn't be
- amongst the bananas?
- She was a rotten banana.
- Wow.
- I can unite the country,
- but Mary's a different thing.
- Okay, well
Mr. President,
I got something for you.
A little surprise, okay?
Is that a theater ticket
to Ford's Theatre?
Oh, yes, it is! It's a comedy.
Our American Cousin.
You gotta go to take your mind
off of all this crap.
- You need to relax! Look at you!
- LINCOLN: I can't go out.
I don't wanna be around
a lot of people right now.
I just don't think--
Oh, please, you're not gonna be
around a lot of people.
We got our own box.
You've been working like a dog!
You need a little amusement!
You like to laugh.
You got a great sense of humor.
I do have
a very good sense of humor.
Very good sense of humor.
You tell fantastic jokes.
- Everybody says so.
- I'm pretty funny.
That first draft
of the Gettysburg Address?
- When I did all the voices?
- Yeah, the voices.
The guys, the characters
and everything?
Yeah, they made me cut that,
but that was funny.
I did the Southern guy,
Harry Chattanooga.
Do Harry Chattanooga for me.
- (SCOFFS) I can't do it.
- Come on!
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Hey, I'm wet.
This water's wet."
(WHEEZING LAUGH)
That's so funny. Great.
(NORMALLY) It's a guy I knew
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- yeah, when I was a lawyer.
And then Fat Tony
was another guy that I--
Fat Tony. Oh, you gotta do
Fat Tony for me.
(MIMICKING FAT TONY)
"Hey, what is that, a meatball?
- Get it outta here.
This doesn't belong here."
- (LAUGHS)
"That doesn't belong here.
What's that doing here?
That doesn't belong here."
- I love Fat Tony.
- "I don't want any of this.
Get it all outta here.
Get it all outta here."
- (NORMALLY) That's what
he would say.
- BUTTERFIELD: That's great.
- I love Fat Tony. That's great.
- (MIMICKING FAT TONY)
"Get that outta here."
Anyway, you gotta go.
- (NORMALLY) I don't think I can.
- Come on. Come on.
- We'll have fun.
- Who's going?
Well, it'll definitely be you
and me, but
What are you gonna do
about that?
She's gonna wanna go.
She loves the theater.
She loves to sit next to me
and say, "Oh, I know
what's about to happen."
- She's never right.
- Yeah.
She says,
"Why are they singing?"
I'm like, "It's a musical!"
Hey, listen,
better to be there with her
with a lot of people and me
than home alone here with her.
- That's true.
- Yeah, you'll go?
- Would you do me a favor?
- Of course.
Would you just sit
in between us?
If you want me to, I will,
but she's never gonna go
for that.
She likes you.
She likes the way you dress.
She likes that
you're kind of a dandy.
- I'm not a dandy.
- You're a dandy.
- Maybe a half dandy.
- No, you're full dandy.
- I'm not full dandy.
- You went full dandy a year ago.
Do you talk to people
and say I'm a dandy to them?
People tell me you're a dandy.
You don't volunteer it?
You don't say it?
Sounds like you say it to them.
I've said it
to a couple of people,
just in terms of like,
"Butterfield's kind of a"
I don't like it,
and please stop saying that.
I see how much
you look at yourself
in the mirror when you leave.
I take a quick glance. So what?
It's not a quick glance.
You do the whole this.
I don't do that.
I take a little glance,
- and I move on.
- You do that.
It wouldn't be the worst thing
in the world if you took
a glance in the mirror
once in a while.
I can't be next to her
during the show.
I can't handle the questions.
- Can you sit next to her,
please, for me?
- Yes.
- Yes, yes. I'll try, I'll try.
- Thank you, thank you.
I don't know
how you manage it, honestly,
between her and a civil war?
- Can you, you know
- Well, the war--
the war is a vacation
- compared to this woman.
- Yeah.
She's a lot.
- I mean, the minute she talks,
I go someplace else.
- Yeah. Okay.
LINCOLN: I think
I'm just so sad because,
you know, I'm trying
to free myself from her,
and I think that's why
I'm freeing all these people.
You need your own
Emancipation Proclamation.
- I didn't want to say that,
but thank you, yes.
- BUTTERFIELD: Yeah.
You know, wouldn't be
the worst thing in the world
if she met with some (SCOFFS)
"untimely accident."
Go on.
Well, that sounds
like a, uh a horrible idea.
I can't tell if you're joking.
Is that a joke?
- Of course it's a joke.
- (CHUCKLES) Aha?
(BOTH CHUCKLE, LAUGH)
- Let's go see a play.
- Let's go.
(GRANDIOSE
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Four more years, Mr. Lincoln!
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- (APPLAUSE STOPS)
Hey.
(WHISPERS) What the fuck?
I'm not sitting next to you.
- Get up.
- LINCOLN: But, honey--
But, honey,
- I thought you would enjoy
talking about the show and
- Yeah.
You better switch seats.
- You want me
to kick you the fuck out?
- (WHISPERS) All right.
- (WHISPERS) All right.
- All right!
- (MUSIC RESUMES) ♪
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Every time.
- (WHISPERS) I told you!
- (WHISPERS) I know.
Sorry, I just thought
you might enjoy
- the conversation
'cause he knows--
- Hey, Mrs. Lincoln,
- by the way.
- What?
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- I know you got my scarf
and I want it back.
- Do we gotta do this now?
- What scarf?
- The yellow scarf that you took.
- You have a yellow scarf?
I left it in the White House,
and you took it and you wore it!
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
Oh, you're so full of shit.
- It's unbelievable!
- What are you doing?
He saw you wearing it.
What are you doing?
Don't do that.
- What are you talking about?
- You said that I stole a scarf?
- BUTTERFIELD: Yes.
- No, I saw you pick up
a yellow scarf,
- but I didn't see you steal it.
- Why would I--
- BUTTERFIELD: Yeah.
- What are-- These words--
Abraham Lincoln,
are you fucking lying to me?
You're lying to me! You took it!
Why would I steal
anything of yours?
Shut the fuck up!
- You're the liar!
- You guys are both
spitting on me.
- MARY TODD LINCOLN: Sit back!
- You're the liar!
- Shit, you're so full of shit.
- You are the worst dresser
I've ever seen!
Fuck you, Mary.
"Fuck you"?
What is wrong with you?
Hey, honey, honey,
let's take it down to a five.
- Jesus Christ, what a joke.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Leave it alone!
Everybody stop talking about it.
- Just leave it alone!
- And if you think you heard
the end of this--
- (BABBLES INDISTINCTLY)
- Oh my God!
(IN POSH BRITISH ACCENT)
Any news on our arrival?
- (SHUSHES)
- No, they're actors,
they're supposed to be--
- (SHUSHES)
- All right.
- Hey.
- (ACTOR CONTINUES SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ON STAGE)
You got that nickel you owe me
by any chance?
(WHISPERS)
No, I don't have a nickel, no.
- I can ask her. I can ask her.
- (WHISPERS) Yeah, ask her.
Hey, we bet a nickel
that I couldn't spell
"Appomattox" and I-- I lost.
Do you have a nickel
I can give him?
- (WHISPERS) No.
- You got a nickel?
- No, she (HESITATES)
- Tell him I'm good for it.
- She said she's good for it.
- (SCOFFING) Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- She's good for it.
- He really is
the cheapest person
I've ever met.
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
I guess I begin to feel
kind of comfortable
here in this place.
- (WHISPERS) You know what?
- (WHISPERS) What?
I'm thinking about a joke.
A big joke.
Maybe kind of like a
a joke with a
(ACTORS CONTINUE SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ON STAGE)
What's this?
You know, do like a
What is that gonna do?
Poison her.
I'm saying we poison her.
Oh. Yeah.
I think we should just
blow her fucking brains out.
Will you take a bath
before you dress?
(IMITATES POSH ACCENT)
Take a "bath"?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- A bath?
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
I suppose you mean "bath."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Please, give me a break.
What are they laughing at?
It's the funniest thing
I've ever seen.
I haven't heard you laugh once.
Well, I'm laughing
on the inside.
Oh, God, this stinks.
This stinks.
- LINCOLN: This was your idea.
- BUTTERFIELD: I know, I know.
I made a mistake.
People told me it was great.
- I can't believe it.
- People like this stuff.
Yeah, you know who likes it?
Stupid people.
I think it's very funny.
Yeah, case in point.
- What?
- What?
- Guys, don't. Please.
- What?
- You heard me.
- Please.
Just Just leave it.
- Skedaddle!
- "Skedaddle"?
- Oh, get out!
- Oh, language, sir!
- Come on. Let's get outta here.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- What do you mean
get outta here?
- Come on.
- I can't get outta here.
- Why?
I'm the president
of the United States,
I can't just leave.
You see every time I stand up,
I do anything,
they start clapping.
Tell her
Tell her I don't feel well.
And I gotta take you,
I gotta, like, escort you?
Yes, yes. Ask her.
Hey, uh, Butterfield's
not feeling good
and he was curious if I could
walk him out, you know?
I don't give a fuck
how he's feeling.
LINCOLN: I was thinking
I can escort him out.
You tell that asshole
you're not going anywhere.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- She told me to tell you
that you're an asshole
- Yeah.
- and I can't go anywhere.
- Yeah.
You can tell her
to go fuck herself.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
He wanted me to tell you
that you can go fuck yourself.
Tell him I will go fuck myself.
She wanted me to tell you that
she-- she will go fuck herself.
Oh, you can tell her
that's a really good idea
because nobody else
will fuck her, including you.
(SIGHS)
He told me to tell you that
that's a really good idea
because no one else
will fuck you, uh, including
uh, me.
Get the fuck out of here!
- All right, I'm going.
- (SHUSHES SOFTLY)
- Yeah, the thing--
- Yeah, the funny joke?
- The joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- The funny joke? Yeah.
- Please, you work on that, okay?
- BUTTERFIELD: Yep.
- See you tomorrow.
- Get out of here.
- (GRUNTS) Oh!
- Oh! Pardon me.
- So sorry.
- Oh, no, that's my fault.
- No, no, completely my fault.
- No, my head was somewhere else.
- Have a nice evening.
- (SIGHS) You too. Thank you.
ACTOR 1: the impertinence
of which you are guilty.
- I'm freezing.
- ACTOR 2: You don't know
the manners of good society, eh?
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
ACTOR 2: Well, I guess
I know enough to turn you
- inside out, old gal
- (SIGHS)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- ACTOR 2: you sockdologizing
old man-trap!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (INTRIGUING MUSIC RISES) ♪
JACKSON: After Abraham Lincoln
- was assassinated
by John Wilkes Booth
- (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Lincoln's widow Mary
- (MARY SOBBING)
was in such a state,
she couldn't attend the funeral
of her husband,
nor could she bring herself
to move out of the White House.
For six weeks,
the newly sworn-in president,
Andrew Johnson,
was relegated to living
in the Treasury Building
with all his belongings,
- including his dogs.
- (DOG BARKING)
JACKSON: At his wit's end,
Johnson summoned
Lincoln's aide-de-camp,
Lawrence Butterfield,
to do the job.
This is the same man who started
this sad chain of events
when he dragged Lincoln
to that damn play.
- Okay. I can't find
anything in here.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- (SIGHS) Butterfield.
- You sent for me, Mr. President?
- (TRUNK THUDS)
- Ah! Oh! Ah!
- Fuck.
- Oh, jeez.
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, I got it right on the shin.
- I hate that.
- First of all,
let me just say,
what happened to Lincoln
- was just an unspeakable,
horrible tragedy.
- Oh. Oh, yes.
- Just awful.
- Oh, terrible.
I begged him
not to go to that play.
Can you imagine
the last thing you see
is that shitty play?
I heard it was awful.
Well, the reviews were great.
- That's not what I heard.
- You heard? I read.
Is that a dig on me
because I'm self-educated?
- What? No.
- My wife taught me to read
- when I was an adult?
- No, please. Are you kidding?
If you're gonna say something,
just say it.
First of all,
I know there's nothing to say,
but if I did have
something to say,
I wouldn't say it to you.
I would say it to someone else
behind your back.
But I wasn't even thinking that.
ANDREW JOHNSON: Okay.
I don't understand something.
If the reviews were so great,
why did you beg him not to go?
(HESITATES) He needed
to be home, uh, relaxing.
I wanted him to relax.
- That's it?
- Yeah.
Something's not adding up
with you, Butterfield.
- It's adding up.
- Is it?
Add it up, yeah.
Don't believe
everything you read,
let me just say that.
Because the buzz that I heard
from actual theater people--
Theater people? You hang out
with theater people?
- What theater people?
- The understudy.
You're hanging out
with the understudy?
What's wrong with that?
I'm a man of the people.
I get that you're
a man of the people,
but it's very odd
that you're a man
- of the "theater people."
- What's that quote mean?
- What does this mean?
- They're different, that's all.
- I don't like
where this is going.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Quincy.
- Hey!
Would you please
get out of there? No!
How's it going, boy?
Who's a good boy?
It's not going good.
They're cramped up in here.
Phew! It stinks in here.
- Do you smell that?
- Ugh, awful.
They got into the Potomac.
No, Jackson, no.
That's a Navajo treaty.
You put that down.
- Jackson.
- I can't even breathe!
You can't? I can't breathe.
That's why I called you here.
We're stuck living
in the fucking treasury, okay?
With two dogs.
It's like a fucking closet
in here.
I need to get
in the White House.
But the problem is,
and why I called you,
is that Mary Todd Lincoln
isn't leaving.
- It's been six weeks.
- Yeah, I know.
I'm the president. I need you
to get her out of there, okay?
I would also love
to get her out of there.
I realize
that the Treasury Building
is not an appropriate place
for a president to be residing.
But I'm not the guy
for this job.
I mean, I'm a guy pretty much
for every job there is.
- You're supposed to be the guy.
- I am the guy.
You're not adding up.
And you know what I don't get?
Is the math of how
you even got to where you are.
- I know real math,
but it's the Butterfield math
- Oh.
- that's not adding up.
- Oh!
- The Butterfield math
is not adding up? Oh! Oh!
- The Butterfield math.
- Can you explain this
to me? Yeah.
- Oh, can I explain it to you?
- Yeah, explain it--
- What would you like explained?
What did you do for Lincoln?
- What did I do for him?
- How are you his guy?
I fixed
the Lincoln-Douglas debates!
- That's how I'm his guy!
- What?
- I paid off Douglas.
- That's true?
- Yes!
- Wow.
By the way, I never said that.
- I didn't hear it.
- Okay.
You could do something
like that for me?
Easy. I'm your guy.
You can't do better.
I got some special quality.
I've had it my whole life.
- I can lie
- Yeah.
- with the best of them.
- Okay.
- I can talk anybody
into anything.
- I'm glad you said that.
- I can manipulate people.
- Uh-huh.
I'm manipulating you right now,
and you don't even know it.
You see what I mean?
Then I need you
to get Mary Todd out of there.
The problem is she detests me.
- She doesn't like anybody.
What are you talking about?
- No, no!
Me in particular.
And also, she stole my scarf.
Why are we talking about this?
I don't care.
You're wasting my time.
Why did he go to that dumb play?
If he didn't, I wouldn't be
in this situation.
I wouldn't have the problems
that I have.
"This situation"?
I mean, maybe not
that horrible for you.
- What do you mean?
- Before you were vice president,
and now, uh you're president.
Wait a minute, Butterfield,
are you suggesting
that I would rather
Lincoln be dead
so that I can be president?
- No. (SCOFFS) No.
- No.
No. Of course not.
What kind of person
- would would suggest
something like that?
- He'd be an awful person.
- Awful.
- Awful person.
An awful person to want it,
an awful person to suggest it.
- Awful all around.
- Awful. But
you are president, kind of cool.
Am I ready to serve my country?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- Do I have some ideas? Sure.
- I'm just excited to continue
this legacy as president
- Yes.
- As president.
- but I can't do it from here.
So, I need you to go
over to the White House.
- (MUTTERS) Dear God.
- Talk to that nut job.
You're gonna be polite.
- You're gonna be contrite.
- (GROANS)
JOHNSON: You're gonna express
your condolences.
- And then you're gonna get
that fucking lunatic
- I'm so sorry.
out of there,
so that I can move in.
Or else, you're fired.
Okay.
(SOMBER
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Mrs. Lincoln,
Lawrence Butterfield to see you.
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
(CLOCK TICKING SOFTLY)
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
Mrs. Lincoln, great pleasure.
Mm.
(SIGHS)
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you
for your condolences, sir.
- How are you coming along?
- Grieving.
No, the grieving was assumed.
I just wondered
if there was anything else
you wanted to mention.
- A hundred percent grieving.
- That's understandable.
Thank you for coming. Good day.
Well
Uh, I've just seen
President Johnson,
the former vice president,
is living
in the Treasury Building.
- Oh, how awful.
- In very-- Yes, very awful.
- Very cramped quarters
- Oh!
- with the dogs
and the family.
- MARY: Terrible.
In any event, um, he's requested
that I come here to find out,
is there any kind of, uh,
time frame
that you're thinking about
in terms of leaving?
'Cause it has been six weeks.
Did you notice
my pitcher collection?
Oh, yes, yes, lovely.
Quite lovely.
Some are blue, some are pink.
- Some are yellow.
- Some are yellow.
- Some are green.
- Oh, look, there's a purple one.
- Mm-hmm.
- Some are bigger than others.
Yes, all different sizes.
Truly magnificent.
Congratulations on that.
Thank you.
It was good to see you.
Again, adieu.
- Oh, um--
- Good day, sir.
(CLOCK TICKING)
In any event, um,
I'm sure you're aware
that in the Constitution,
when the president
is no longer in office,
the vice president
succeeds him.
It's for the benefit
of the country
that you move out
of the White House
and let
President Johnson move in.
I'm not leaving.
There's nowhere for me to go!
Oh!
- You know where you could go?
- Where?
I've got a friend in Springfield
who told me
that the men in Springfield,
they are lined up for you!
- (CHUCKLING) Me?
- BUTTERFIELD: Yes!
You know, they say
that you're such a delight,
there's nobody
who's better company,
that your stony countenance
and erratic behavior,
your multiple personalities,
you're just a pleasure
to be around.
- I am.
- And-- Oh! And I forgot
that severe part
in the middle of your head.
That's so enchanting.
Well, there is not a chance
in hell I'm moving back there.
I am done with log cabins.
- Mm.
- Forget it.
- (SCOFFS) Mrs. Lincoln.
- Yes?
How would you
like an all-expense-paid trip
to Paris on the U.S. government?
- You know what they got there?
- Hmm?
They've got pitchers
all over Paris.
- It's the city of pitchers.
- Mm.
Won't have to pay for a thing.
I'm not going anywhere.
I am grieving.
- Really, are you?
- Yes, I am.
Okay, this is a wonderful,
wonderful little show
you're putting on
- Thank you.
- and I really appreciate it.
You should have been
on the stage
- at Ford's Theatre that night.
- Thank you.
- I thought the same thing!
- BUTTERFIELD:
That's how good you are.
- That's how good you are
of an actress.
- MARY: Thank you.
But I really am grieving.
Do you know
what it is to grieve?
- I believe I do, yes. I--
- Oh, you do?
- Yes. Oh, yes, I do. Yes.
- Have you experienced
a great loss?
Yes. Yes, I have, Mrs. Lincoln!
(LOUDLY) I lost my testicles
during the war! That's grieving.
- Yeah!
- You don't have testicles?
No, I don't!
How did you lose your testicles?
They got shot off.
- Both?
- Yeah, both!
- With one bullet or two?
- One bullet.
(CHUCKLING)
My scrotum was assassinated.
But I moved on with my life.
I realized that
I can't sit home all day
and do nothing
and look at that space
where my testicles should be.
What does it look like
down there?
It's none
of your business, really.
I feel like it would be
an angry red.
- Am I right?
- No, you're not close to it.
- Oh, please enlighten me.
- It looks like a big space,
you know? Kind of like what--
what you got.
I've had four children.
The point is,
I can't fornicate anymore.
I accept it. I've moved on.
Are you saying
that I should move on?
No, I'm saying
you should move out.
La, la, la, la, la!
I can't hear you. I'm sorry.
I can't understand
what you're saying.
I'm not going anywhere.
I live here now.
All right, show's over, okay?
This is my home now.
This is where I live.
I'm glad we had
this conversation.
Good day, sir.
Mrs. Lincoln (SIGHS)
if I go back to Mr. Johnson
- and tell him
that there's no chance
- (SIGHS HEAVILY)
of you moving out,
I'm gonna get fired,
and then I'm gonna have
to go back
to being a spittoon salesman.
You have no idea
how difficult that is.
People don't use
spittoons anymore.
- They spit all over the place.
I just-- I'm not gonna be a--
- (CRIES MOCKINGLY)
(MOCKINGLY) "I'm just
a lowly spittoon salesman."
(CRIES MOCKINGLY)
"I don't know
where to put my saliva!"
- (MOCKINGLY)
"My husband was assassinated."
- MARY: "What do I do?"
Yeah, my husband
was assassinated
"And I can't move on."
- while we were watching
a comedy! Oh!
- (BABBLES MOCKINGLY)
"And I'm pretending that
I'm grieving and mourning
and I'm not doing fuck all!"
You know what?
(LOUDLY) I think you like living
in this big house!
I think you're having
a blast in here
with all the servants
taking care of you,
everybody feeling sorry for you!
Are you calling me a liar? Oh!
What are you implying, sir?
- You know what I'm implying!
You're full of shit!
- MARY: No, I--
- How dare you! (GRUNTS)
- (GROANS)
See, I knew
you still had testicles!
Your scrotum
wasn't assassinated!
(GROANS)
You owe me a nickel!
You get the fuck
out of my house.
You come back here
one more time,
I'm gonna shoot
those nuts off for real.
I'll be back!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
You better run!
(MISCHIEVOUS INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Unbelievable.
(GASPS) What are you doing?
You stole my scarf,
you psycho bitch!
- I did nothing of the sort!
- BUTTERFIELD: Knew it!
I knew it!
Oh, what is this? This is mine!
- That is my scarf!
- Yeah! Bullshit!
- What kind of man needs
a fringed yellow scarf
- BUTTERFIELD: This is my scarf!
- That's my scarf!
Get your hands off it!
- you fucking weirdo?
You're lucky you're alive
because Lincoln and I
were gonna assassinate you!
- (SCREAMS, GRUNTS)
- (GRUNTS)
- (CHOKES)
- How do you like the scarf now?
- Tell my husband
I said hi. (GRUNTS)
- (CHOKES)
("THE STARS
AND STRIPES FOREVER" PLAYING) ♪
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
AND STRIPES FOREVER" PLAYING) ♪
SAMUEL L. JACKSON:
October 26th, 1881,
- Tombstone, Arizona.
- (BROODING WESTERN
MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JACKSON: The Earp brothers,
Wyatt and Virgil,
and the gunslinger Doc Holliday
faced off against
the infamous Clanton Gang
- in a legendary shootout
at the O.K. Corral.
- (GUNSHOTS)
JACKSON: In reality,
the shootout didn't happen
in the corral at all,
but in a vacant lot
behind the corral
at the end of Fremont Street.
The gunfight took three lives,
but there are many
conflicting theories
- on what caused the fight
in the first place.
- (GUNSHOTS WHIZZING)
JACKSON: Some say the fight
never would've happened
if not for the presence
of an annoying, troublesome,
irritating arrival
from back East.
- (WHIMSICAL PIANO
MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- DRIVER: Hyah! Hup! Hup!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
DOC HOLLIDAY: All right,
the game's seven-card stud.
LAWRENCE: Seven-card stud.
Deal 'em out, Doc.
- (POKER CHIPS CLACKING)
- (HESITATES) Wyatt, Wyatt.
(HESITATES) With the chips,
always playing with the chips.
You're making a racket.
Come on, man. Huh?
I'm sorry, Lawrence,
that bothering you?
- Yeah.
- Pot's right.
"Earp." (SCOFFS)
What an odd name.
What-- What is that?
Where's-- Where's that from?
- It's a common name.
- Really?
- All over Eastern Europe.
- Eastern Europe?
A western part
of Eastern Europe.
- Yeah, if you go
to the western part
- Oh.
of Eastern Europe,
you can't throw a rock
- and not hit an Earp.
- That's right.
- There are tons of Earps
all over.
- WYATT EARP: There's Earps
- Western Eastern Europe?
- WYATT: "Hey, Earp!
Hey, hey, Earp!"
VIRGIL EARP:
It's especially the central part
of western Eastern Europe.
- Exactly. The Earps are
- Yeah.
- central western
Eastern European people.
- Huh.
- DOC: Pot's right.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- An ace.
- (CHUCKLES) Well, looky here.
- And an ace of spades over here.
- Well, looky here.
- Looky here.
- (HORSE NEIGHS)
- WYATT: Oh, oh, oh, oh!
- DOC: Hey! What are you doing?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Sit down, card cheat.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
No, I'm not cheating.
I'm not cheating.
I'm just checking on the horse.
I'm concerned about the horse.
- What's wrong with your horse?
- You know,
I don't tie a very good knot.
I make a loop.
I put it through a loop.
(HESITATES) I just don't even
know how to do it.
I lack knot confidence.
Is there something
wrong with you?
Did you get hurt
in the war or anything?
I wasn't in the war, Doc.
I had "bone spurs."
(COUGHS)
Oh, jeez.
Maybe you should see
another doctor.
Maybe you should mind
your own business.
Hey, Doc, were you
a gunslinger first
and then decided
to go to med school?
Or did you go
to med school and go,
"Eh, I think I'd rather be
a gunslinger"?
Seems like an odd combination.
(CHUCKLES) I don't know
many killer doctors.
All right, it's my bet.
By the way, you think
getting up twice a night
to pee is, uh
You think that's excessive?
Are you here to play cards
or get an exam?
Oh, I get it. You want me
to come to the office
so you can charge me
for a visit.
Smart, very shrewd.
- He's actually just a dentist.
- Oh.
(BROODING
WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(HORSE NEIGHS)
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, hell!
Oh, good heavens!
That's right.
TOWNSPERSON: (GASPS)
It's the Clantons.
(MUSIC RISES SHARPLY) ♪
(CLICKS TONGUE)
IKE CLANTON:
Billy, look at this asshole.
Can't hitch on this side,
can't hitch on that side.
Took up the whole damn post.
Yeah, he took up
the whole damn post.
That's what I just said, Billy.
- Oh, right.
- God damn it!
- DOC: Diamond's bet.
- (WHIMSICAL PIANO
MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- JOHNNY WHISKERS: Gentlemen.
- Oh my God, what is this?
- Are you serious?
- What?
You got your fingers
in the glass.
Johnny Whiskers, come on,
you know better than that.
How am I gonna drink that?
You're worried about
my fingers in your beer?
- Yes, yes!
- These are the cleanest thing
in this joint!
You're sitting across
from a guy with TB, okay?
Cleetus and Bo over there
have the Santa Ana squirts
and half the whores in here
have syphilis.
All right, calm down, Whiskers.
Hey Johnny, which half
of the whores has the syphilis?
The bottom half.
(MENACING
WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(PATRONS GASPING, MURMURING)
All right!
Who's the goddamn ingrate
who hitched their horse
in the middle of that post?
- Right in the middle.
- No, shut the fuck up, Billy!
It's me.
There should be room
for two horses.
- So, whoever you are,
Mr. Pig-Parker
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- PATRON: Oh, my!
- (PATRONS GASPING, MURMURING)
- go fix your hitch.
- LAWRENCE: (CHUCKLES)
Wait, wait.
Wait a second.
Are you calling me a pig-parker?
- I reckon I am.
- (PATRONS MURMURING)
- Mm.
- Talk like that
can get a man killed.
I don't give a shit.
I want him out there
fixing that hitch right now.
Now, hold up,
we got a double pot here.
I got 35 dollars in it.
Ain't nobody going anywhere
unless I say so.
Is that so?
- (REVOLVER COCKS)
- (PATRONS GASPING)
- So.
- (PATRONS MURMURING)
It's only out of respect
to Johnny Whiskers
behind the bar that I don't blow
your fucking head off
right here, right now.
We all have tremendous respect
for Johnny Whiskers,
- no question about it. Yeah.
- Pours a good whiskey.
Tremendous respect
for Johnny Whiskers.
- WYATT: Of course we do.
Love you, Johnny.
- Yes.
- VIRGIL: He's the best.
- All right, all right.
Let's settle this like men.
3:00 p.m. at the O.K. Corral.
- 3:00?
- I can do 3:00.
Yeah, I I can make 3:00 work.
Yeah! 3:00, yeah.
I got one question, though.
Are we meeting
inside the corral?
Inside the corral.
(HESITATES)
What about the horses?
Well-- Okay-- Valid point.
We'll meet outside the corral.
You mean in that ditch?
No, down there by the sign.
The sign that's right
outside the corral, you know?
I don't think that sign's
even there anymore.
- Yeah, you're right.
That sign's gone.
- I haven't seen it.
- It's been gone for years.
- Well, I don't know,
we'll just do it out
(HESITATES) to the left
of the corral.
Whose left? If you're--
What way are you looking?
WYATT: Your left or our left?
How are you facing it,
if it's round?
You're facing the corral
(HESITATES)
Okay, but I don't even think
the corral's a good idea,
to be honest with you.
You know the lot,
what is that, Frement?
- Fremont?
- LAWRENCE: Fre-- Yeah, Fremont.
There's a lot.
We can do it right there.
Well, I'm gonna call it
the corral.
Fine, call it what you want,
but we'll meet in the lot.
We'll go to the south end
of the corral.
- WYATT: The lot.
- And then you'll--
- VIRGIL: The lot, yeah.
- It's the corral today, though.
We're at the south end
of the corral.
You're at the north end
of the corral.
- VIRGIL: The lot.
- This is good,
except which is the north side?
I don't know.
Yeah, see? Yeah.
You know? Did you know?
All right, all right!
3:00 p.m. at the corral.
So, we're gonna meet
at the "corral"-slash-lot,
and then
how does it get underway?
- What are the procedures?
- The--
- Yeah, the dynamics
of the shootout.
- The dynamics of the
We get back-to-back,
we take 20 steps each.
- Jesus.
- That lot,
- you can't do 20 steps.
- VIRGIL: Here we go.
- You can't do 20 steps
in that lot.
- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
We'll go back-to-back,
we'll take ten steps.
Twenty's too much.
- All right, we can do that.
- WYATT: What?
No, guys,
why are we doing any paces?
It's not a duel,
it's a shootout.
- Right.
- So, it's just you guys show up,
we show up.
Well, if we're gonna have
a fair shootout,
it's not gonna be like,
"Just show up
and then pull your gun out."
He's looking for more
organization to this.
We're looking for helter--
helter-skelter, yeah.
- WYATT: Yeah.
- If you're a good shot,
it don't matter.
LAWRENCE: How do we know
when it starts?
We're starting
right at three o'clock
so we'll get there
a little early,
so that when 3:00 hits,
we start shooting.
So, if you wanna get there
- at 2:55
- VIRGIL: We'll get there
at 2:55.
so you can be ready
for three o'clock,
- that's what we do.
- Johnny can alert us.
He can ring that bell
down there at the mission.
Okay. We're gonna go
to the corral at 3:00 p.m.
- The lot.
- A little before 3:00.
I'm calling it the corral!
Yeah, he's really fixated
on calling it "corral."
Let him do it. Go ahead.
Okay? See you there,
pig-parker.
Wait, how about this idea?
We all start here
and walk over together.
- No.
- No.
- No-- Shut the fuck up, Billy!
- DOC: I don't know about this.
If we all walk together,
that's such an awkward
- Yeah, it's just
an uncomfortable
- I guess it is. It's awkward.
- 3:00 p.m. at the corral.
- WYATT: The lot.
- We'll see you there.
- See you at 3:00.
Yeah.
- See you there.
- (FOREBODING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Well, boys, we all might eat
a little lead here.
WYATT: Gotta do
what we gotta do.
DOC: And these things
can get bloody.
Some of us
might not make it back.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- (SCOFFS) First of all,
I gotta say,
I am so honored
to be at a shootout
with the Earp brothers
and Doc Holliday. This is crazy.
- Well
- LAWRENCE: This is really
gonna be something.
Unfortunately, I just realized
that I got the blacksmith
at 3:00.
- I gotta bring my horse in.
- WYATT: Today?
Do you know how hard it is
to get an appointment with him?
It's impossible.
- DOC: Yeah, it really is.
Yeah, no.
- Oh, God. What a disappointment.
- I was so looking forward
to that.
- VIRGIL: What a tough break.
- Mm. We'll move it to 4:00.
- (MUTTERS)
- WYATT: I can do 4:00.
- No, no--
You know,
4:00 is actually better for me.
How are the Clantons--
(HESITATES) You can't--
Johnny can go
and tell the Clantons, yeah.
No, you don't wanna
bother Johnny.
Yeah, yeah. No.
No-- No problem. I can--
I'll go chase 'em down.
They're not but
at the end of the street.
- WYATT: We can do 4:00
if they can do 4:00.
- VIRGIL: Yeah.
- All right, I'll go tell 'em.
- All right. Thanks, Johnny.
- Yep. They'll understand.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SIGHS) Okay.
- Four o'clock it is.
- Yeah.
Before a shootout, by the way,
I need a lot of time
to get ready.
I bathe, change my outfit.
You know, this is not
a gunfight outfit.
- Yeah.
- LAWRENCE: Okay?
This four o'clock idea
was brilliant, by the way.
VIRGIL: We'll see you then.
4:00 actually works
better for them too.
- WYATT: Oh, good.
- JOHNNY: So yeah,
it's on, four o'clock.
You know what? 3:55, 3:55!
- (DRAMATIC
WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (HORSE NEIGHS)
(GUNSHOTS IN DISTANCE)
- Come on, Jonesy!
Come on, you motherfucker!
- (HORSE NEIGHS)
Let's get outta here!
(GUNSHOTS CONTINUE)
(LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪
- ("BATTLE HYMN
OF THE REPUBLIC" PLAYING) ♪
- JACKSON: On April 9th, 1865,
Confederate General
Robert E. Lee
- surrendered at Appomattox,
ending the civil war.
- (INDISTINCT CHEERING)
JACKSON: The stress on Lincoln
during the war was immense,
made even more difficult
by his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln,
who was by all accounts
a handful.
But now the war was over
and the country could heal.
Except that five days later,
on the night of April 14th,
President Lincoln
and his wife, Mary,
were attending a play,
Our American Cousin,
at Ford's Theatre
in Washington, D.C.,
and there, John Wilkes Booth,
an actor
and Confederate sympathizer,
- assassinated
President Abraham Lincoln
- (GUNSHOT)
shouting,
"Sic semper tyrannis!"
the Virginia state motto.
Abraham Lincoln
became the first president
to be assassinated in office.
And while John Wilkes Booth
is remembered
as one of America's
greatest villains,
one could argue
just as much fault lies
with the idiot
who convinced Lincoln
- to go see the play.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
(SOFT HOPEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- ABRAHAM LINCOLN: All right.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
Well, Mr. President,
I think that's it for today.
- The war is over.
- LAWRENCE BUTTERFIELD:
I heard a rumor
that Grant was a little tipsy
at Appomattox.
I hear the same.
"Appomattox."
That's a tough one.
- Can you spell Appomattox?
- (CHUCKLES) Yes!
I'll bet you a nickel you can't.
- All right.
- Go ahead. Take a shot.
A-P-P-O
M-E-T-E-X.
- Not even close.
- Really?
A-P-P-O-M-A-T-T-O-X.
There's no "E."
You owe me a nickel.
- LINCOLN: All right.
- BUTTERFIELD: Pay up.
I don't have it on me,
but you know I'm good for it.
- Really? Do I know that?
- "Honest Abe."
- Are you?
- I've never told a lie.
No, you don't tell a lie but,
you know, sometimes you forget.
- Oh.
- BUTTERFIELD: Let me ask you
a question.
If I remind you--
Let's say five days go by,
and I remind you,
would you think less of me?
It's pretty petty.
Who's pettier in this situation?
The guy who welches on the bet?
Or the guy who asked
for the money
from the person who welched?
Maybe I'll pay you,
I'll pay you.
- Maybe I'll pay you.
Maybe I won't pay you.
- We made a bet.
- It's a crazy bet.
- You said yes to the bet!
All right. I'll give you
a nickel at some point.
- You know I'm good for it.
- BUTTERFIELD: Okay.
By the way,
did you happen to see
a a yellow scarf
around the office?
I left it here
a couple of days ago.
- Uh, no.
- BUTTERFIELD: You haven't?
I haven't-- I haven't seen a--
'Cause I saw Mary
wearing a very
similar scarf.
I-- I think I know what this is.
Um, I believe I, um
(CLEARS THROAT)
I think-- I think, uh, Mary
might have, uh, picked it up.
I assumed she bought that
someplace else.
- Uh-huh.
- She was wearing it.
- You saw her wearing the scarf?
- I did.
- She took my scarf?
- She likes the way you dress.
Did you say anything?
I did say something,
but I said it really quiet.
- Did she hear you?
- No.
Why didn't you say,
"That's Butterfield's scarf"?
She likes things
and she takes it.
I don't give a shit.
She stole my scarf.
- I want that scarf back.
- Then you take it up with her.
You're a grown man.
I don't want to be
in the middle of this.
I did the war
almost to get away from her.
Her voice makes me insane.
I'd rather hear men dying.
Hey, would you do me a favor?
Is there any way that you can go
into her closet?
I'm not going up there.
You go up there!
I can't go upstairs
into her closet.
You don't have
to look her in the eye!
- Just let her start talking!
- What, you think
I'm gonna talk to her?
- Just talk to her!
- I don't wanna talk to her!
- You talk to her!
- I can't talk to her.
She's nuts!
You don't think
I know she's nuts?
I live with her!
I'm married to her!
She's the mother
of my dead children.
- She-- She needs
She needs to be
- Oh, I know.
- You know?
- I know.
- You know?
- Wait, what are you saying?
- I don't know.
- She needs to be sent someplace.
Oh, no, we've tried that.
- In the-- In the loony bin.
- LINCOLN: They didn't want her.
They threw her
out of the mental institution.
I came to pick her up
and they went,
"Hey, she's bananas."
That's why the place exists.
For bananas.
She was too bananas
for the bananas.
You're saying
that she couldn't be
- amongst the bananas?
- She was a rotten banana.
- Wow.
- I can unite the country,
- but Mary's a different thing.
- Okay, well
Mr. President,
I got something for you.
A little surprise, okay?
Is that a theater ticket
to Ford's Theatre?
Oh, yes, it is! It's a comedy.
Our American Cousin.
You gotta go to take your mind
off of all this crap.
- You need to relax! Look at you!
- LINCOLN: I can't go out.
I don't wanna be around
a lot of people right now.
I just don't think--
Oh, please, you're not gonna be
around a lot of people.
We got our own box.
You've been working like a dog!
You need a little amusement!
You like to laugh.
You got a great sense of humor.
I do have
a very good sense of humor.
Very good sense of humor.
You tell fantastic jokes.
- Everybody says so.
- I'm pretty funny.
That first draft
of the Gettysburg Address?
- When I did all the voices?
- Yeah, the voices.
The guys, the characters
and everything?
Yeah, they made me cut that,
but that was funny.
I did the Southern guy,
Harry Chattanooga.
Do Harry Chattanooga for me.
- (SCOFFS) I can't do it.
- Come on!
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Hey, I'm wet.
This water's wet."
(WHEEZING LAUGH)
That's so funny. Great.
(NORMALLY) It's a guy I knew
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- yeah, when I was a lawyer.
And then Fat Tony
was another guy that I--
Fat Tony. Oh, you gotta do
Fat Tony for me.
(MIMICKING FAT TONY)
"Hey, what is that, a meatball?
- Get it outta here.
This doesn't belong here."
- (LAUGHS)
"That doesn't belong here.
What's that doing here?
That doesn't belong here."
- I love Fat Tony.
- "I don't want any of this.
Get it all outta here.
Get it all outta here."
- (NORMALLY) That's what
he would say.
- BUTTERFIELD: That's great.
- I love Fat Tony. That's great.
- (MIMICKING FAT TONY)
"Get that outta here."
Anyway, you gotta go.
- (NORMALLY) I don't think I can.
- Come on. Come on.
- We'll have fun.
- Who's going?
Well, it'll definitely be you
and me, but
What are you gonna do
about that?
She's gonna wanna go.
She loves the theater.
She loves to sit next to me
and say, "Oh, I know
what's about to happen."
- She's never right.
- Yeah.
She says,
"Why are they singing?"
I'm like, "It's a musical!"
Hey, listen,
better to be there with her
with a lot of people and me
than home alone here with her.
- That's true.
- Yeah, you'll go?
- Would you do me a favor?
- Of course.
Would you just sit
in between us?
If you want me to, I will,
but she's never gonna go
for that.
She likes you.
She likes the way you dress.
She likes that
you're kind of a dandy.
- I'm not a dandy.
- You're a dandy.
- Maybe a half dandy.
- No, you're full dandy.
- I'm not full dandy.
- You went full dandy a year ago.
Do you talk to people
and say I'm a dandy to them?
People tell me you're a dandy.
You don't volunteer it?
You don't say it?
Sounds like you say it to them.
I've said it
to a couple of people,
just in terms of like,
"Butterfield's kind of a"
I don't like it,
and please stop saying that.
I see how much
you look at yourself
in the mirror when you leave.
I take a quick glance. So what?
It's not a quick glance.
You do the whole this.
I don't do that.
I take a little glance,
- and I move on.
- You do that.
It wouldn't be the worst thing
in the world if you took
a glance in the mirror
once in a while.
I can't be next to her
during the show.
I can't handle the questions.
- Can you sit next to her,
please, for me?
- Yes.
- Yes, yes. I'll try, I'll try.
- Thank you, thank you.
I don't know
how you manage it, honestly,
between her and a civil war?
- Can you, you know
- Well, the war--
the war is a vacation
- compared to this woman.
- Yeah.
She's a lot.
- I mean, the minute she talks,
I go someplace else.
- Yeah. Okay.
LINCOLN: I think
I'm just so sad because,
you know, I'm trying
to free myself from her,
and I think that's why
I'm freeing all these people.
You need your own
Emancipation Proclamation.
- I didn't want to say that,
but thank you, yes.
- BUTTERFIELD: Yeah.
You know, wouldn't be
the worst thing in the world
if she met with some (SCOFFS)
"untimely accident."
Go on.
Well, that sounds
like a, uh a horrible idea.
I can't tell if you're joking.
Is that a joke?
- Of course it's a joke.
- (CHUCKLES) Aha?
(BOTH CHUCKLE, LAUGH)
- Let's go see a play.
- Let's go.
(GRANDIOSE
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Four more years, Mr. Lincoln!
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- (APPLAUSE STOPS)
Hey.
(WHISPERS) What the fuck?
I'm not sitting next to you.
- Get up.
- LINCOLN: But, honey--
But, honey,
- I thought you would enjoy
talking about the show and
- Yeah.
You better switch seats.
- You want me
to kick you the fuck out?
- (WHISPERS) All right.
- (WHISPERS) All right.
- All right!
- (MUSIC RESUMES) ♪
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Every time.
- (WHISPERS) I told you!
- (WHISPERS) I know.
Sorry, I just thought
you might enjoy
- the conversation
'cause he knows--
- Hey, Mrs. Lincoln,
- by the way.
- What?
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- I know you got my scarf
and I want it back.
- Do we gotta do this now?
- What scarf?
- The yellow scarf that you took.
- You have a yellow scarf?
I left it in the White House,
and you took it and you wore it!
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
Oh, you're so full of shit.
- It's unbelievable!
- What are you doing?
He saw you wearing it.
What are you doing?
Don't do that.
- What are you talking about?
- You said that I stole a scarf?
- BUTTERFIELD: Yes.
- No, I saw you pick up
a yellow scarf,
- but I didn't see you steal it.
- Why would I--
- BUTTERFIELD: Yeah.
- What are-- These words--
Abraham Lincoln,
are you fucking lying to me?
You're lying to me! You took it!
Why would I steal
anything of yours?
Shut the fuck up!
- You're the liar!
- You guys are both
spitting on me.
- MARY TODD LINCOLN: Sit back!
- You're the liar!
- Shit, you're so full of shit.
- You are the worst dresser
I've ever seen!
Fuck you, Mary.
"Fuck you"?
What is wrong with you?
Hey, honey, honey,
let's take it down to a five.
- Jesus Christ, what a joke.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Leave it alone!
Everybody stop talking about it.
- Just leave it alone!
- And if you think you heard
the end of this--
- (BABBLES INDISTINCTLY)
- Oh my God!
(IN POSH BRITISH ACCENT)
Any news on our arrival?
- (SHUSHES)
- No, they're actors,
they're supposed to be--
- (SHUSHES)
- All right.
- Hey.
- (ACTOR CONTINUES SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ON STAGE)
You got that nickel you owe me
by any chance?
(WHISPERS)
No, I don't have a nickel, no.
- I can ask her. I can ask her.
- (WHISPERS) Yeah, ask her.
Hey, we bet a nickel
that I couldn't spell
"Appomattox" and I-- I lost.
Do you have a nickel
I can give him?
- (WHISPERS) No.
- You got a nickel?
- No, she (HESITATES)
- Tell him I'm good for it.
- She said she's good for it.
- (SCOFFING) Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- She's good for it.
- He really is
the cheapest person
I've ever met.
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
I guess I begin to feel
kind of comfortable
here in this place.
- (WHISPERS) You know what?
- (WHISPERS) What?
I'm thinking about a joke.
A big joke.
Maybe kind of like a
a joke with a
(ACTORS CONTINUE SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ON STAGE)
What's this?
You know, do like a
What is that gonna do?
Poison her.
I'm saying we poison her.
Oh. Yeah.
I think we should just
blow her fucking brains out.
Will you take a bath
before you dress?
(IMITATES POSH ACCENT)
Take a "bath"?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- A bath?
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
I suppose you mean "bath."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Please, give me a break.
What are they laughing at?
It's the funniest thing
I've ever seen.
I haven't heard you laugh once.
Well, I'm laughing
on the inside.
Oh, God, this stinks.
This stinks.
- LINCOLN: This was your idea.
- BUTTERFIELD: I know, I know.
I made a mistake.
People told me it was great.
- I can't believe it.
- People like this stuff.
Yeah, you know who likes it?
Stupid people.
I think it's very funny.
Yeah, case in point.
- What?
- What?
- Guys, don't. Please.
- What?
- You heard me.
- Please.
Just Just leave it.
- Skedaddle!
- "Skedaddle"?
- Oh, get out!
- Oh, language, sir!
- Come on. Let's get outta here.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- What do you mean
get outta here?
- Come on.
- I can't get outta here.
- Why?
I'm the president
of the United States,
I can't just leave.
You see every time I stand up,
I do anything,
they start clapping.
Tell her
Tell her I don't feel well.
And I gotta take you,
I gotta, like, escort you?
Yes, yes. Ask her.
Hey, uh, Butterfield's
not feeling good
and he was curious if I could
walk him out, you know?
I don't give a fuck
how he's feeling.
LINCOLN: I was thinking
I can escort him out.
You tell that asshole
you're not going anywhere.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- She told me to tell you
that you're an asshole
- Yeah.
- and I can't go anywhere.
- Yeah.
You can tell her
to go fuck herself.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
He wanted me to tell you
that you can go fuck yourself.
Tell him I will go fuck myself.
She wanted me to tell you that
she-- she will go fuck herself.
Oh, you can tell her
that's a really good idea
because nobody else
will fuck her, including you.
(SIGHS)
He told me to tell you that
that's a really good idea
because no one else
will fuck you, uh, including
uh, me.
Get the fuck out of here!
- All right, I'm going.
- (SHUSHES SOFTLY)
- Yeah, the thing--
- Yeah, the funny joke?
- The joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- The funny joke? Yeah.
- Please, you work on that, okay?
- BUTTERFIELD: Yep.
- See you tomorrow.
- Get out of here.
- (GRUNTS) Oh!
- Oh! Pardon me.
- So sorry.
- Oh, no, that's my fault.
- No, no, completely my fault.
- No, my head was somewhere else.
- Have a nice evening.
- (SIGHS) You too. Thank you.
ACTOR 1: the impertinence
of which you are guilty.
- I'm freezing.
- ACTOR 2: You don't know
the manners of good society, eh?
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
ACTOR 2: Well, I guess
I know enough to turn you
- inside out, old gal
- (SIGHS)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- ACTOR 2: you sockdologizing
old man-trap!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (INTRIGUING MUSIC RISES) ♪
JACKSON: After Abraham Lincoln
- was assassinated
by John Wilkes Booth
- (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Lincoln's widow Mary
- (MARY SOBBING)
was in such a state,
she couldn't attend the funeral
of her husband,
nor could she bring herself
to move out of the White House.
For six weeks,
the newly sworn-in president,
Andrew Johnson,
was relegated to living
in the Treasury Building
with all his belongings,
- including his dogs.
- (DOG BARKING)
JACKSON: At his wit's end,
Johnson summoned
Lincoln's aide-de-camp,
Lawrence Butterfield,
to do the job.
This is the same man who started
this sad chain of events
when he dragged Lincoln
to that damn play.
- Okay. I can't find
anything in here.
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- (SIGHS) Butterfield.
- You sent for me, Mr. President?
- (TRUNK THUDS)
- Ah! Oh! Ah!
- Fuck.
- Oh, jeez.
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, I got it right on the shin.
- I hate that.
- First of all,
let me just say,
what happened to Lincoln
- was just an unspeakable,
horrible tragedy.
- Oh. Oh, yes.
- Just awful.
- Oh, terrible.
I begged him
not to go to that play.
Can you imagine
the last thing you see
is that shitty play?
I heard it was awful.
Well, the reviews were great.
- That's not what I heard.
- You heard? I read.
Is that a dig on me
because I'm self-educated?
- What? No.
- My wife taught me to read
- when I was an adult?
- No, please. Are you kidding?
If you're gonna say something,
just say it.
First of all,
I know there's nothing to say,
but if I did have
something to say,
I wouldn't say it to you.
I would say it to someone else
behind your back.
But I wasn't even thinking that.
ANDREW JOHNSON: Okay.
I don't understand something.
If the reviews were so great,
why did you beg him not to go?
(HESITATES) He needed
to be home, uh, relaxing.
I wanted him to relax.
- That's it?
- Yeah.
Something's not adding up
with you, Butterfield.
- It's adding up.
- Is it?
Add it up, yeah.
Don't believe
everything you read,
let me just say that.
Because the buzz that I heard
from actual theater people--
Theater people? You hang out
with theater people?
- What theater people?
- The understudy.
You're hanging out
with the understudy?
What's wrong with that?
I'm a man of the people.
I get that you're
a man of the people,
but it's very odd
that you're a man
- of the "theater people."
- What's that quote mean?
- What does this mean?
- They're different, that's all.
- I don't like
where this is going.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Quincy.
- Hey!
Would you please
get out of there? No!
How's it going, boy?
Who's a good boy?
It's not going good.
They're cramped up in here.
Phew! It stinks in here.
- Do you smell that?
- Ugh, awful.
They got into the Potomac.
No, Jackson, no.
That's a Navajo treaty.
You put that down.
- Jackson.
- I can't even breathe!
You can't? I can't breathe.
That's why I called you here.
We're stuck living
in the fucking treasury, okay?
With two dogs.
It's like a fucking closet
in here.
I need to get
in the White House.
But the problem is,
and why I called you,
is that Mary Todd Lincoln
isn't leaving.
- It's been six weeks.
- Yeah, I know.
I'm the president. I need you
to get her out of there, okay?
I would also love
to get her out of there.
I realize
that the Treasury Building
is not an appropriate place
for a president to be residing.
But I'm not the guy
for this job.
I mean, I'm a guy pretty much
for every job there is.
- You're supposed to be the guy.
- I am the guy.
You're not adding up.
And you know what I don't get?
Is the math of how
you even got to where you are.
- I know real math,
but it's the Butterfield math
- Oh.
- that's not adding up.
- Oh!
- The Butterfield math
is not adding up? Oh! Oh!
- The Butterfield math.
- Can you explain this
to me? Yeah.
- Oh, can I explain it to you?
- Yeah, explain it--
- What would you like explained?
What did you do for Lincoln?
- What did I do for him?
- How are you his guy?
I fixed
the Lincoln-Douglas debates!
- That's how I'm his guy!
- What?
- I paid off Douglas.
- That's true?
- Yes!
- Wow.
By the way, I never said that.
- I didn't hear it.
- Okay.
You could do something
like that for me?
Easy. I'm your guy.
You can't do better.
I got some special quality.
I've had it my whole life.
- I can lie
- Yeah.
- with the best of them.
- Okay.
- I can talk anybody
into anything.
- I'm glad you said that.
- I can manipulate people.
- Uh-huh.
I'm manipulating you right now,
and you don't even know it.
You see what I mean?
Then I need you
to get Mary Todd out of there.
The problem is she detests me.
- She doesn't like anybody.
What are you talking about?
- No, no!
Me in particular.
And also, she stole my scarf.
Why are we talking about this?
I don't care.
You're wasting my time.
Why did he go to that dumb play?
If he didn't, I wouldn't be
in this situation.
I wouldn't have the problems
that I have.
"This situation"?
I mean, maybe not
that horrible for you.
- What do you mean?
- Before you were vice president,
and now, uh you're president.
Wait a minute, Butterfield,
are you suggesting
that I would rather
Lincoln be dead
so that I can be president?
- No. (SCOFFS) No.
- No.
No. Of course not.
What kind of person
- would would suggest
something like that?
- He'd be an awful person.
- Awful.
- Awful person.
An awful person to want it,
an awful person to suggest it.
- Awful all around.
- Awful. But
you are president, kind of cool.
Am I ready to serve my country?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- Do I have some ideas? Sure.
- I'm just excited to continue
this legacy as president
- Yes.
- As president.
- but I can't do it from here.
So, I need you to go
over to the White House.
- (MUTTERS) Dear God.
- Talk to that nut job.
You're gonna be polite.
- You're gonna be contrite.
- (GROANS)
JOHNSON: You're gonna express
your condolences.
- And then you're gonna get
that fucking lunatic
- I'm so sorry.
out of there,
so that I can move in.
Or else, you're fired.
Okay.
(SOMBER
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Mrs. Lincoln,
Lawrence Butterfield to see you.
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
(CLOCK TICKING SOFTLY)
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
Mrs. Lincoln, great pleasure.
Mm.
(SIGHS)
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you
for your condolences, sir.
- How are you coming along?
- Grieving.
No, the grieving was assumed.
I just wondered
if there was anything else
you wanted to mention.
- A hundred percent grieving.
- That's understandable.
Thank you for coming. Good day.
Well
Uh, I've just seen
President Johnson,
the former vice president,
is living
in the Treasury Building.
- Oh, how awful.
- In very-- Yes, very awful.
- Very cramped quarters
- Oh!
- with the dogs
and the family.
- MARY: Terrible.
In any event, um, he's requested
that I come here to find out,
is there any kind of, uh,
time frame
that you're thinking about
in terms of leaving?
'Cause it has been six weeks.
Did you notice
my pitcher collection?
Oh, yes, yes, lovely.
Quite lovely.
Some are blue, some are pink.
- Some are yellow.
- Some are yellow.
- Some are green.
- Oh, look, there's a purple one.
- Mm-hmm.
- Some are bigger than others.
Yes, all different sizes.
Truly magnificent.
Congratulations on that.
Thank you.
It was good to see you.
Again, adieu.
- Oh, um--
- Good day, sir.
(CLOCK TICKING)
In any event, um,
I'm sure you're aware
that in the Constitution,
when the president
is no longer in office,
the vice president
succeeds him.
It's for the benefit
of the country
that you move out
of the White House
and let
President Johnson move in.
I'm not leaving.
There's nowhere for me to go!
Oh!
- You know where you could go?
- Where?
I've got a friend in Springfield
who told me
that the men in Springfield,
they are lined up for you!
- (CHUCKLING) Me?
- BUTTERFIELD: Yes!
You know, they say
that you're such a delight,
there's nobody
who's better company,
that your stony countenance
and erratic behavior,
your multiple personalities,
you're just a pleasure
to be around.
- I am.
- And-- Oh! And I forgot
that severe part
in the middle of your head.
That's so enchanting.
Well, there is not a chance
in hell I'm moving back there.
I am done with log cabins.
- Mm.
- Forget it.
- (SCOFFS) Mrs. Lincoln.
- Yes?
How would you
like an all-expense-paid trip
to Paris on the U.S. government?
- You know what they got there?
- Hmm?
They've got pitchers
all over Paris.
- It's the city of pitchers.
- Mm.
Won't have to pay for a thing.
I'm not going anywhere.
I am grieving.
- Really, are you?
- Yes, I am.
Okay, this is a wonderful,
wonderful little show
you're putting on
- Thank you.
- and I really appreciate it.
You should have been
on the stage
- at Ford's Theatre that night.
- Thank you.
- I thought the same thing!
- BUTTERFIELD:
That's how good you are.
- That's how good you are
of an actress.
- MARY: Thank you.
But I really am grieving.
Do you know
what it is to grieve?
- I believe I do, yes. I--
- Oh, you do?
- Yes. Oh, yes, I do. Yes.
- Have you experienced
a great loss?
Yes. Yes, I have, Mrs. Lincoln!
(LOUDLY) I lost my testicles
during the war! That's grieving.
- Yeah!
- You don't have testicles?
No, I don't!
How did you lose your testicles?
They got shot off.
- Both?
- Yeah, both!
- With one bullet or two?
- One bullet.
(CHUCKLING)
My scrotum was assassinated.
But I moved on with my life.
I realized that
I can't sit home all day
and do nothing
and look at that space
where my testicles should be.
What does it look like
down there?
It's none
of your business, really.
I feel like it would be
an angry red.
- Am I right?
- No, you're not close to it.
- Oh, please enlighten me.
- It looks like a big space,
you know? Kind of like what--
what you got.
I've had four children.
The point is,
I can't fornicate anymore.
I accept it. I've moved on.
Are you saying
that I should move on?
No, I'm saying
you should move out.
La, la, la, la, la!
I can't hear you. I'm sorry.
I can't understand
what you're saying.
I'm not going anywhere.
I live here now.
All right, show's over, okay?
This is my home now.
This is where I live.
I'm glad we had
this conversation.
Good day, sir.
Mrs. Lincoln (SIGHS)
if I go back to Mr. Johnson
- and tell him
that there's no chance
- (SIGHS HEAVILY)
of you moving out,
I'm gonna get fired,
and then I'm gonna have
to go back
to being a spittoon salesman.
You have no idea
how difficult that is.
People don't use
spittoons anymore.
- They spit all over the place.
I just-- I'm not gonna be a--
- (CRIES MOCKINGLY)
(MOCKINGLY) "I'm just
a lowly spittoon salesman."
(CRIES MOCKINGLY)
"I don't know
where to put my saliva!"
- (MOCKINGLY)
"My husband was assassinated."
- MARY: "What do I do?"
Yeah, my husband
was assassinated
"And I can't move on."
- while we were watching
a comedy! Oh!
- (BABBLES MOCKINGLY)
"And I'm pretending that
I'm grieving and mourning
and I'm not doing fuck all!"
You know what?
(LOUDLY) I think you like living
in this big house!
I think you're having
a blast in here
with all the servants
taking care of you,
everybody feeling sorry for you!
Are you calling me a liar? Oh!
What are you implying, sir?
- You know what I'm implying!
You're full of shit!
- MARY: No, I--
- How dare you! (GRUNTS)
- (GROANS)
See, I knew
you still had testicles!
Your scrotum
wasn't assassinated!
(GROANS)
You owe me a nickel!
You get the fuck
out of my house.
You come back here
one more time,
I'm gonna shoot
those nuts off for real.
I'll be back!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
You better run!
(MISCHIEVOUS INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Unbelievable.
(GASPS) What are you doing?
You stole my scarf,
you psycho bitch!
- I did nothing of the sort!
- BUTTERFIELD: Knew it!
I knew it!
Oh, what is this? This is mine!
- That is my scarf!
- Yeah! Bullshit!
- What kind of man needs
a fringed yellow scarf
- BUTTERFIELD: This is my scarf!
- That's my scarf!
Get your hands off it!
- you fucking weirdo?
You're lucky you're alive
because Lincoln and I
were gonna assassinate you!
- (SCREAMS, GRUNTS)
- (GRUNTS)
- (CHOKES)
- How do you like the scarf now?
- Tell my husband
I said hi. (GRUNTS)
- (CHOKES)
("THE STARS
AND STRIPES FOREVER" PLAYING) ♪
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪