Loaded (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
Josh's Mum and Dad
1 Hey, Casey will be with you in a moment, she's just I'd just rather not say what she's doing.
Thanks for coming.
New game.
- Pitch me, go.
- OK, well, we had something in the vault, an old idea.
Yeah, it's one we're really excited about it.
It is a game we've always wanted to make.
It's a racing game, set inside the human body.
- Cavity Racers.
Or an enzyme.
- You're a blood cell And you're racing along the arteries, or the main pulmonary highways, and then you get into the cavities.
Would you race to the bladder? Oh, great idea.
Could be an expansion pack.
- Bladders full of piss? - It is a bit grim.
Give me a chance to try out my real-time 3D fluid and particle rendering.
You've got a new physics engine that renders realistic piss? - I really do, yes.
- Big picture it's a satirical intravenous cart-style racing game about body fascism.
For kids of all ages.
Wow, guys.
I mean, that is a great idea.
And it sounds really commercial.
ALL: Uh-huh.
How's it going, my whole British sarcasm thing? Yes, you are really getting the hang of it.
Thanks, Watto, I really appreciate that.
I don't really, I was doing it again.
Anyway, we just got back The Cap Factory projections from the third and fourth quarters, and like my best friend from high school, Tania Devon, they are not pretty.
So.
We're going to be making some cutbacks.
- Like how? - We're going to be looking at efficiencies, doing a full personnel audit, finding out what everyone in the company does.
That's a good idea because there's one bloke, Tiny Barney, - I have no idea what he does.
- Who's Tiny Barney? Including you guys.
Us? We have to do it, too? You mean we've got to reapply for our own jobs? Naomi will walk you through it.
It is a form you fill out.
Really.
It's just admin.
OK, I've got somewhere to be.
No idea where.
Naomi! "It's just admin, really.
It's just admin.
" Said Chairman Mao as he released the great famine.
Now, I'm quite excited about this because I love asking questions, so if there's anything that crosses the line, just say.
Sorry, a bit anxious, look - at the state of those nails.
- Job title? Officially, I am the code wrangling monkey boy.
I've got it on my card, actually.
Leon had these printed up for a bit of a joke.
First question, Leon, nice and easy, what do you do? - How do you mean? - Obviously, I know what you do.
It is obvious, but if it was not obvious, - what would you say it is? - Bus Dev.
Business development, more crucially had a vision.
I'm the big picture guy, Josh is details.
Lost in the desert, I am like, 'Let's drill for oil, make $1 billion.
' And Josh is like, 'Guys, there's sand in the picnic.
' Lead designer, ideas man, head of creative.
I'm the guy who keeps the train on the tracks.
Without me, the wheels would fall off, and Watto sets his beard on fire.
Both of which are examples of things that have actually happened.
Artist in resident/office weirdo/human totem.
I'm the spirit of the place.
- Keeper of the flame.
- But you do coding - also? The old ones and zeros.
- I don't need to, not my thing.
It's like, is Captain Birdseye an actual sailor? I don't know, but he makes great fucking fish fingers.
So you come up with the ideas? No, Josh is ideas, but that's the easy hit.
How would you summarise your position within the company? I'm the brains.
- I'm the brains.
- And if Leon answers otherwise, - he's a liar.
- He said you are the details guy, and then something confusing about picnics.
He said that? - Josh says that he's the brains.
- Fine, I'm the face.
Obviously, the brain controls the face.
No, no, not to this face, this face is disconnected from the brain, this face does not always do what the brain tells it to.
Like you have Bell's palsy? Like my Nan, - with the eyelid, ugh.
- I mean, kind of.
I'm the back.
Not the backbone, I'm just the flesh on the back.
Can't see me from the front, but I'm always there, just a giant dependable mound of of back flesh.
It's more of a floating role, really.
I'm less of an employee and more like a gas that permeates the space, like radiation.
I definitely do something that you can't see what it is that I do.
Except, I don't give people cancer.
I don't do that.
Business development.
I develop the business.
Ding, ding, ding! Sorry, but that's all we've got time for, thanks so much for playing, Leon.
No, but seriously, thanks.
I also do this.
Aw.
- You can keep that if you like.
- Thanks.
And I really love what you've done to the office.
Last one, bit of fun, favourite wizard in literature? Ponder Stibbons from the Discworld universe.
Sorry, who? Ponder Stibbons from the Discworld universe.
I'm sorry, why would you need to know that? Don't worry, I'll just put Gandalf.
No, don't put that, it's too obvious.
Give me a minute.
- Sorry, I have other people coming in.
- Just give me a second.
Prospero.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- Yeah, - put that.
- Yep.
Hi, Dad.
How's the? Wait, what? What do you mean? That was my dad on the phone, they are back from holiday two months early.
What, that boring holiday that you bought them as a passive aggressive fuck you for taking you to Disneyland too many times? Wow, I wonder why.
I ought to go and see them.
Watto, you got some packages.
I left them on your desk.
Right.
Yeah, good, thanks.
[MUSIC: Broken Racehorse by The Blind Snake.]
Oh, sweet horny hell, that's good.
Watto? [HE CLEARS HIS THROAT.]
Yes, Ewan? You OK in there, Matey? Uh Yes, thanks, I'm fine, Matey.
Do I need to go and fetch Josh and Leon? What's in the box there, mate? Are we talking pharmaceuticals, or? - Toby jugs.
- Toby? Just Toby jugs.
Ah, interesting.
And can I see them or? Recently, I have become quite an avid collector of Toby jugs.
Didn't have you pegged as a Toby mugs kind of guy.
This is a fucking lovely piece right here.
Wow, he's a biggie, isn't he? I just like the smell of them, you know.
Sure, I know.
I know.
Don't need to be worried about this, mate.
- It's harmless, Ewan.
- Right.
I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be.
So, I have been going through Naomi's fact-finding report re-efficiencies Where's Josh? Oh, he just had to pop out.
Why is there so much popping out in this office? You know what's going to pop out pretty soon? My semi-automatic, and I'm going to shoot the next motherfucker - who pops out during office hours.
- Note to self, cancel podiatrist.
I'm joking.
OK, so, energy bills are huge, you're paying way over for your server hire.
And why is there always music playing in the bathroom? It's crazy making.
Are you aware of how many different teas you are providing for your staff? - 13, one more than Google.
- 14, we just added Assam.
14, two more than Google.
Great, that is really impressive.
Well done.
Not really, I'm doing it again.
Watto, cut the teas, you're not a 14-tea organisation.
Ewan, I need you to lose three from coding.
- What, sorry? - There's a duplication of roles.
We have coding guys in LA you can use, so I need you to fire three people.
Redundancies, you think you can handle that for me? Absolutely not, categorically no way.
Great, Naomi get him the names.
Leon, some confusion over what it is you do exactly.
What? How do you mean? - I made this place.
- Now, we understand what you did you raised the money, you made the sale happen but what do you do now? What do you do now? Like, what's the last thing you actually did? Like, now.
Like, tell me now.
Like, tell me right now.
- I fixed a - Paper jam.
- Don't say paper jam.
- A paper jam.
Don't say paper jam.
Casey Casey Casey, this is me.
No disrespect, they're the worker bees, that lot out there, I am the Emperor bee.
I don't think there is such thing as an Emperor bee, though.
I can't believe this, Casey, I am basically you.
It's fine, Leon.
It's fine, really, we just need to find you a new role.
OK, so teas, firing, Leon, good.
We are all done.
Excellent.
Thank you guys so much for your time, I really appreciate it.
I don't! I don't, I was doing it again.
So, you just bailed on your holiday, did you? What, too much culture for you? Couldn't wait to come back home and watch Doc Martin and eat crumpets? - No, we had a good time.
- I had arranged a very special dispensation for you both to visit the site of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon in Iraq.
But maybe we'll just cancel that, shall we? Maybe go to the garden centre, eat a ploughman's? - Where's Mum? - In the caravan.
- Why is she in the caravan? - Ask her.
[KNOCKING.]
Mum? Hey, darling.
- Why are you in the caravan? - It doesn't clean itself, does it? - What's up with your? - What? - Let me see her teeth.
- What? - Show me your teeth.
Show me.
- No need to see my teeth.
- Nothing.
- Show me, Mother.
Holy shit.
- What have you done? - Oh, there's a place in Prague.
Right, so you thought you'd get yourself some new teeth, did you? - A pair of massive gnashers.
- With the money Leon gave me.
Did you have anything else done? Oh, my God.
Have you got a new pair of boobies? Jesus Christ, Josh! No, there's nothing else.
All right? - There's just, you know, that, so - What? - Just, you know, a little - What? Nothing, just - Just that.
- A tattoo?! Beats for breakfast, bass for tea.
- What does that even mean? - You know, have fun.
This isn't about mildew, is it, Mum? I'm a grown-up.
Whatever it is, I can take it.
I want some space, Josh.
I need some space away from your dad.
The travel, the trip you gave us, it it really awakened me.
I'm having a wobble, Josh.
Thank you for your honesty, I appreciate it.
Right.
[HE RETCHES.]
I can't fight people.
I'm a coward.
Confrontation's basically my kryptonite.
Along with pastry, lactose and brains.
I'm stressing about these teas.
I've got to lose seven teas.
Hold on.
I'm not a coder.
I'm a visionary.
You don't hire Monet to creosote your decking.
Seriously, fuck this new regime.
It's like that thing, you know, the lunatics have taken over the asylum.
Only the other way round, the authorities have taken back, regained control of the asylum.
- Here you are.
OK.
- Oh, here he is.
Something's happened.
Something bad with my mum and dad.
- Like what? What do you mean? - Well, she's basically living in the caravan with massive teeth, which she bought with the money you gave her, so thanks for that.
No, not Jeff and Linda, surely? - They're Fred and Wilma.
- What about Monday night roast? Are we still going to be able to go for Monday night roast? - What's going on? - I don't know, Leon.
OK, eyelid.
I don't expect any of you to see this, but my eyelid is now going twitch, twitch, twitch.
- There it goes again.
- So, what are they saying, Josh? She said she's having a wobble.
- She said she wants some space.
- It could be an affair.
Second family.
- What, like in a cellar? - We haven't got a cellar.
Garage, loft? Is your dad OK? You don't think he had, you know Jesus Christ! How about a bit of sensitivity, guys? - A bit of mindfulness.
- Apologies, Josh, for not being more mindful.
This is all my fault.
I should have just paid off the bloody mortgage.
How I going to make this better Leon? Josh, this is what I do.
I use my mouth and I get people talking.
I make things happen.
I'll talk to your mum and I'll fix this.
What are you doing? Showing you that I care.
[INAUDIBLE.]
Paula, Paula! - Hi! - Hello.
Can I have a quick word? - Yeah.
- Inside the office.
Is everything OK? Fabulous.
Listen I've been thinking and, various reasons, throughout the company, I've had to have a long think.
- You OK? - I'd like to give you a bonus.
- Another one.
Yes.
- Yes! - I'd love a bonus.
- Me, too.
- Me, too.
- Yes.
Amazing.
The thing is, it would be kind of a redundancy bonus.
Because we've actually kind of spent the last one, we put it towards a new flat, because - Good for you.
- Urn, we need an extra bedroom.
Because Ah, Christ! - Cos of a baby.
- A baby.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you so much.
- No, it's wonderful.
- Thank you.
It's wonderful.
I'm pretty sure it was the day you gave us the first - bonus.
- Was it really? I took Mark out for dinner to celebrate and then Next thing you know, buff.
- There you go.
- Bish, bash, bosh! I know what happens.
- Yeah.
- That feels sick.
- Just Happiness.
- Sure, yeah.
Cos Casey said that there are guys in LA who - Doesn't matter.
- So, another bonus! What's it for? Because I'm Paula.
Just general bonus attitude.
- Bonus.
OK.
- Amazing.
- Great.
Thank you.
- Lovely.
There you go.
That's fabulous.
5K to Gryffindor.
She's delighted.
Fucking hell.
[TV ON.]
You seen my SNES? We're designing a racing game.
- I wanted to play Mario Kart.
- Ask your mother.
Mum, have you seen my Super Nintendo? - I think we threw it away.
- Of course we did.
It's only my whole entire childhood.
Why wouldn't we? Do you know what, Dad? I feel really bad, like somehow this is all my fault.
I feel so guilty.
It's like my act of generosity has basically wrecked your marriage.
I don't know.
I just can't help but blame myself.
Dad, Dad? Yeah, it does look a bit like that, doesn't it? - What do you mean? - Well, we never had this problem when we went to Disney World, did we? We just went on the Dumbo ride and came home again.
Right, so you think it's my fault, do you? - It's someone's fault.
My fault? - Maybe it's your fault, Dad? - Maybe you're boring.
- Your holiday was fucking boring, son.
Minsk Botanical Gardens? Disney World, we never had to talk to each other.
- [DOOR BELL RINGS.]
- That's what made it so great.
I heard.
Your mum texted my mum.
Didn't know the mums were still talking.
- Brought gin? - Don't want to give my dad gin.
- He's depressed enough as it is.
- It's not for your dad, Josh.
Spent a lot of time in this caravan.
- Played a lot of games.
- Burned a lot of holes in the carpet.
I don't mean to shock you, Linda, but our weed intake back then was pretty high.
This caravan was basically a mobile bong.
And I know it gets pretty cold out there at night, and just in there Big old, lovely Jeff.
And you know Josh - is worried about you.
- Josh worries too much.
He's a millionaire.
Should be living.
Yeah, I tell him that that all the time.
But Jeff, right, let me give you the hard sell on Jeff.
The three USPS of Jeffrey Connors.
One, he's funny.
You remember when those trousers fell down in Brighton? That was, that was gold.
Two, durability.
He's never not been there for me, for any of us.
He came and got me from the police station that one time.
Three, he's a sweetheart.
All right, he might not know how to always show it.
He's not exactly Captain Cuddles, but he loves us.
- You know he does.
- I don't know, Leon.
I I just feel like, what if there's more out there than doing jigsaw puzzles of Westie dogs - and a pair of leggings.
- Linda, listen to me.
As your surrogate second son, I've seen the lifestyle.
It's not as good as you think.
Nothing is better than Jeff.
Trust me.
Apart from maybe my helicopter.
You've got a helicopter? - It's amazing.
- Where would you rather be? Up here, or down there, curled up in front of Countryfile with lovely, - lovely Jeff? - Oh, sorry, darling.
I wasn't listening.
It's amazing.
Linda, it's hollow.
Trust me, the novelty wears off really quick.
Does it, though? OK, no.
It's basically brilliant all the time.
Look how high we are! Oh, my God! Leon, Leon.
I'll tell you what else I've always really wanted to do.
- No, no, no.
That's a bad idea.
- Oh, please, Leon.
I just need to get it out of my system.
Do you promise you'll go back to Jeff if I buy you cocaine? Leon, I totally, totally promise.
Boom, nailed.
Take us to Colombia! Let's go the whole hog.
Let's cut camomile and fennel.
Basically, cut all the Twinings.
Is that what you want, Ewan? I don't thump people very often but I will thump you upside the head.
Maybe we should just cut peppermint.
Are you kidding me right now? You know that's my only IBS-friendly hot drink option.
You cut peppermint and I will literally shit in my pants every day for ever.
God.
It's so hard.
This is just like Sophie's Choice, only if Sophie had had 14 kids.
I'm sorry.
I think I'm letting it all get on top of me.
Do you think I've got to fire these people personally? Can't I just send him one of those bomb disposal robots, with a note saying, sorry, and some Ferrero Rocher? - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- I'll get that.
Thinking about getting a mediator for Mum and Dad.
Either The guy who settled Apple versus Samsung or this is a potentially stupid idea - Blair.
- Tony? You can get him for like half an hour.
It's like £100,000.
You want to get Tony Blair to keep your parents together? It's ridiculous.
But worth a try? Josh, I think maybe you just need to leave them to it.
Sometimes things don't work out like you think they will.
Like me and you? Or me and Greg.
- I know you hate him, Josh.
- Hate is a very strong word, Abbey.
But in this case, it's entirely acceptable.
I mean, piddle puddle puddle Weird being back in here.
Mm.
You know, we never finished coding Vagina Miner.
- That video game we started.
- Abbey, I remember Vagina Miner.
Essentially, Manic Miner, but set inside the Queen's vagina.
Maybe we should try and finish it again sometime.
Don't know.
Only if you wanted to.
I've got a build of it in an old laptop somewhere.
- I'd like to see that build.
- I'd like to show you that build.
All right.
- [TAPPING.]
- Open! Open! - Is that peaches? - If it's a small tin, it could be tuna, it could be salmon.
Probably salmon.
- It's only a tin of salmon! Just open! - Yeah, it's salmon.
And why is he hitting the can of salmon with a hammer? Oh, God.
It's quite simple, isn't it? All you need to do is open up Tin of salmon.
The electric tin opener won't work.
Dad, don't worry about it.
We'll get a new one.
Do you think she's ready to come back in the house? It's going to be OK, Dad.
Leon's talking to her, all right? Everything's going to be fine.
Oh! Look at me.
I'm the MILF of Wall Street.
I needed this, Leon.
Jeff doesn't get it.
He's boring.
He never wants to do anything, ever.
I mean, that's why we fell out.
Inverness, yeah? Stayed in the room.
Stayed in his room in Venice, playing Sudoku.
- What's that about? - You're definitely going back to him? - Definitely.
Definitely do that, yeah.
- Boom.
Sorted, see? Casey thinks I don't do anything.
This is what I do.
I find unconventional solutions to unconventional problems.
- That is what you do, Leon.
- That is exactly.
They think I can't develop the business? I'm not businessly-minded? - I am businessly-minded.
- So businessly-minded.
- I'm so businessly-minded.
- So businessly-minded.
I am so businessly-minded, it hurts.
Is businessly definitely a word? I don't know.
- Is businessly a word? - It isn't a word.
No.
I should stop using it, because I am a businessman.
I am going to sit up all night and write a massive business plan and then we'll see who the big businessman is.
[THEY SNIFF.]
[HE LAUGHS.]
- Linda, come here.
- Why, what's going on? [HE SNIFFS.]
[MUSIC: Gonna Make My Own Money by Deap Vally.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
- I've written a business plan.
- Right.
The next 30 years of Idyl Hands, totally mapped out, - Chinese expansion, brethren.
- 30-year business plan.
- So who you sending it to? - Everyone.
Casey, you, Branson.
Musk.
All those pricks at Google.
- What about my mum? - Yeah, she's got a copy.
No! With my dad.
Oh, er, yeah, yeah.
That's sorted.
She's going back to him.
Oh, man.
That's huge.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was nothing.
It's what I do.
OK, so I've set up a shell company, Field Mouse Media.
I'm not going to fire anyone.
I'm going to offer them all jobs.
- Where? - At my fake company.
Field Mouse Media.
Doing what? Making fake games.
I don't think that's going to work out, you know? Are you all right, mate? Yes, thanks.
- What are you up to, man? - You know, this and that.
Right, there's a bear, yeah? Everyone sees the bear.
Oh, it was a bargain all right.
Yep, this was a very, very wise investment indeed.
You've certainly moved on from the Toby jugs there, mate.
Anyway - We should give you a hand.
- No, no.
It's fine, it's fine.
Don't go in there.
That's my bedroom.
Don't go in.
Crikey! Hello, everyone.
How does a man find sleep in here? That's quite the inventory, Walter.
Yeah, well, you need three of everything, don't you? One to use, one to keep, one to trade as basics.
And would you say you're addicted, mate? No, Josh.
I wouldn't.
It's harmless.
It's just you've been acting a bit shady, you know? - Old habits.
- Yeah, I found a pottery Winston Churchill in the toilet cistern.
I thought it was a bit weird.
I don't tell you lot what you can and can't spend your money on, do I? I didn't stop you from getting that investment linked annuity, did I? I wish you had, to be honest.
It's been a total And Leon, helicopter and Ferrari? What, am I not allowed to buy a couple of mugs and a big brown bear? Yeah, all right.
Fair point.
We're just trying to - look out for you man, that's all.
- Well, you know what? Leave me alone.
Seriously.
Get out.
Go on.
Just leave me alone.
Get out.
Go on, all three of you.
Get out.
Judging me.
Judging me and my stuff.
Unbelievable! Mum.
Oh, what time is it? Reconciliation time, Mum.
No, Josh, I've been thinking OK, let's not dwell on that now.
Let's go inside the house, Dad's bought some Tunnock's Teacakes.
Cos I was over the city last night, in Leon's helicopter.
And I looked down and I thought, yeah, Josh is right.
- The world is a big place.
- You went in a helicopter? I was opening a tin of salmon with a hammer.
Mum, Mother, what's this, Mother? Here? What's that, there? Please? What's this here, Mother, please? Oh, let's just stay calm, all right? Let's all just stay calm, shall we? Oh, my God! You're a fucking cokehead! Did Leon do this? Did he spike you? Bloody hell, Linda.
Coke and helicopters? All of a sudden, it's like I'm married to fucking Van Halen.
- It's not a wobble, OK? - OK, OK, OK.
Just an indiscretion.
- Just a one off.
- No, Josh, no, it's more than that.
I think maybe I've started to figure out who I really am.
Yeah, new Linda, with your stupid horse teeth and your shit tattoo.
- See? - You're not helping, Dad.
I've been thinking about doing the album of jazz standards.
Oh, no.
Not the album.
Mum, I know that it must seem like life's really exciting right now.
But it isn't, not for you because you've had your life, really, haven't you? It's actually quite selfish to start thinking about yourself.
In Really I want a divorce.
Where's Leon? I'm going to kill him.
Oh, hey, Leon.
I'm just reading your business plan.
Oh, yeah? How is it? Well, I'm on page 320, so only about half way through.
But, yeah, it's interesting.
Big fonts.
Lots of caps.
Yeah, obviously it needs a bit of an edit.
I don't think I've ever seen a business plan - with so many emoticons.
- Emoticon? Really? Wow.
You can't read that many, then.
So, I'm just printing out a copy for Casey and I'm sure this is intentional, but there's quite a lot of photos of your face.
Actually, it's just the same photo, just 40 times.
That was Just for a bit of context, really.
- You can bin them.
Bin them.
- Will do, thanks.
I'll pass it along.
Finally! OK, I'm only going to say this once.
Did you give my mum cocaine and take her up on a helicopter? Josh, who cares how I did it? The point is it worked.
Except I didn't, though, did it? Because now - she's asking for a divorce.
- What!? - She promised.
- That's weird isn't it? Someone made a promise while they were high and didn't keep it.
Like the time we got stoned and said we were going to - open a fucking bakery.
- I still think it's an option.
I think she's just going through a difficult time.
So, you're on her side, are you? It's not about sides, mate.
They're my mum and dad too, you know that.
They're all of our mum and dad, really.
Because you have to think about her, too, Josh, not just yourself.
She really wants to make that album.
Jesus, Leon! You can't do anything, can you? You're so fucking useless.
Anyway, I should go.
Mate, I - It's Ewan.
- Why are they still not fired, Ewan? Do it now, or I unleash the fires of hell.
Don't look at me.
I need a favour, Naomi.
Bad.
Hi, Mum.
I've got a proposition for you.
It's about the album.
Greetings! - Hello, everybody.
- OK, you're on your own.
- Thank you, Naomi.
- What is this? I'm sorry I can't be there.
I had to nip out.
I'm currently working in an off-site capacity.
Thing is, things change, don't they? Seasons, train timetables, the terms and conditions of the iTunes Store.
But change can sometimes be a good thing.
Hang on, are you firing us? No! No No, but if I were, I'd be offering a very generous remuneration package.
- Are you in the toilet? - What!? No! No, I'm in a digital rendering facility, - somewhere in Dulwich.
- Oh.
Paula? Paula! Paula! I'm sorry! Ewan, I know you're in there.
Come out here and fire me like a real man.
Ewan! This is not how you treat people, Ewan.
I thought Leon was bad! So, we thrashed it out.
And, basically Mum? I'd like to move back in.
Well, I'm not sure if I want you to.
Mum? I'd really like to give it another go.
Great! Let's eat.
I got lunch: catered, natch.
Oh, my God, it's the Monday night roast! Bit heavy for 11am, but who cares? Not me.
Dig in, guys.
Dig in.
Dad.
Mum.
Mmm.
Mmm-mm! I bet you missed this on your travels, didn't you? Do you know what? I can't do this.
I'm sorry, Josh, you can keep your money, - but I just can't.
- You paid her to come round? Look, can we just be adults about this, please? Because everybody knows you need an inducement to enter into a relationship, whether it's sexual, or emotional, or a cash lump sum.
No, didn't pay her.
- I just said I'd help fund the album.
- Oh, not the album.
Maybe get the sound engineer that worked with Il Divo.
Look, I realise I can't stay with you just because I can't cook my own sodding dinner.
It's over, Josh.
And it's going to be OK.
Honestly, this is the best thing for all of us.
Look, it's not your fault, Josh.
Probably just going to go to my room for a bit.
Everyone! I've got something I need to say.
I'm addicted to stuff.
That's the truth.
Josh was right.
It's nonsense, I'm just addicted to stuff.
But we all are.
We're slaves to it.
We're spoiled.
We're all just a of spoiled cunts.
And not just me, but everybody.
We go out for lunch with our spelt flour wraps and our buttermilk fried chicken.
We lose our shit the minute they run out of harissa.
Since when has that been a reasonable reaction to the lack of a fairly niche condiment? Now, apparently the suits want us to cut back on the number of free teas that we provide in that kitchen.
They want me to cut 7 out of 14 teas.
Well, I'm not going to be cutting seven teas today.
Or eight, or nine, or ten.
We are going to be bringing it back, we are going to bring it back down to one tea.
Let us all drink the same slightly disappointing brew.
For that is the British way! Now, give me my English breakfast or give me death! I fired them.
- It was horrible.
- Oh, mate.
Also, inspirational as that was, you just cut the one hot drink that doesn't make my tummy ache.
Ta.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, man.
Your mum called.
I brought you this.
The SNES.
Sorry for fucking up your mum.
It's OK.
I think she was pretty fucked up already.
- I can't believe it, man.
- I know, man.
This is a lot slower than I remember.
Is nothing from my childhood sacred? I got this.
What for? I just thought I should probably figure it out, make myself useful.
You're not a coder, man.
- It's not what you do.
- What do I do, Josh? Because I re-read the business plan and it's bullshit.
Some of it was written in Wingdings, Josh.
Wingdings! OK.
Ewan's the little turtle cos he's fast and bright, but he doesn't have any clout.
Watto's the mushroom because he does a lot of mushrooms.
I'm the track cos I keep everything together.
You know what you are, man? You're the power-ups.
You're the things that make it go quicker and knock people out of the way.
If it wasn't for you, I'd still be right here in this bedroom, broke and normal.
- I'm the power-ups? - Yeah.
You know something else? Right now, after everything that's happened, you're the most stable thing in my life.
- Thanks, man.
- No problem.
I'm the power-ups.
Right, let's go down the office.
I want to speak to Casey.
Actually, do you know what? I'll see you there.
I just need to pop out for a bit.
Vagina Miner.
I thought we could pick it up where we left off.
Oh! Hey, Leon.
Just reading your business plan.
You know, I haven't done blow since 1989.
- Makes me miss it.
- We're not firing anyone.
Oh, yeah.
We've already made some reductions.
- Painful, but necessary.
- You bought this, us, and I know you might be thinking, "What the fuck have I bought?" I mean, you might not be, but OK, apparently you are.
But the fact is, it worked.
We worked.
Forget the projections, forget the burn rate, don't look down at the piece of paper.
Look up at the next thing.
Ten years, I've never known if we're going to keep the lights on in this place.
But check this out.
The point is, we shouldn't be firing good people.
We should be keeping them and backing ourselves to grow this place, hire more people.
Expand the office.
Fuck it, let's go 20 teas.
Let's tea-bag Google right here.
Bollocks.
That's what you are, Leon.
You're the bollocks of this place.
Man, it's fun to say bollocks.
That's, like, the one benefit of working here.
I knew it! I knew you had it in you.
I just had to see it for myself.
Well, I I just prefer to be like a quiet figure of authority.
Keep your staff, hire them back.
This new game, I want you to head that one up.
- No, Josh is lead designer.
- He answers to you on this one.
Don't let him get tangled up in the weeds, hm? All right, yeah.
Good job, Leon.
I mean that.
No sarcasm.
Man, I am really getting good at that.
So, me and Abi are going to give it another go.
Oh, yeah? Congratulations, man.
- No, I'm happy for you.
- Thanks, man.
- I really appreciate that.
- Right, here we go.
Monday night roast is served.
Thank you, this looks amazing.
No it doesn't, it looks abject and repellent.
But I'll keep trying.
The good news, you don't have to fire anyone, - they can all have their jobs back.
- Great! So, the people I just fired, they'll be back at work, will they? - Yes.
- Next to me? - Yeah.
- Sat next to the people I just fired? Everyone's a winner with the obvious exception.
[CRASHING AND SCREAMING.]
It's all right, I'm OK.
Office dildo.
Don't mind if I do.
OK.
Nobody panic, but I think I might be addicted to smashing things.
Thanks for coming.
New game.
- Pitch me, go.
- OK, well, we had something in the vault, an old idea.
Yeah, it's one we're really excited about it.
It is a game we've always wanted to make.
It's a racing game, set inside the human body.
- Cavity Racers.
Or an enzyme.
- You're a blood cell And you're racing along the arteries, or the main pulmonary highways, and then you get into the cavities.
Would you race to the bladder? Oh, great idea.
Could be an expansion pack.
- Bladders full of piss? - It is a bit grim.
Give me a chance to try out my real-time 3D fluid and particle rendering.
You've got a new physics engine that renders realistic piss? - I really do, yes.
- Big picture it's a satirical intravenous cart-style racing game about body fascism.
For kids of all ages.
Wow, guys.
I mean, that is a great idea.
And it sounds really commercial.
ALL: Uh-huh.
How's it going, my whole British sarcasm thing? Yes, you are really getting the hang of it.
Thanks, Watto, I really appreciate that.
I don't really, I was doing it again.
Anyway, we just got back The Cap Factory projections from the third and fourth quarters, and like my best friend from high school, Tania Devon, they are not pretty.
So.
We're going to be making some cutbacks.
- Like how? - We're going to be looking at efficiencies, doing a full personnel audit, finding out what everyone in the company does.
That's a good idea because there's one bloke, Tiny Barney, - I have no idea what he does.
- Who's Tiny Barney? Including you guys.
Us? We have to do it, too? You mean we've got to reapply for our own jobs? Naomi will walk you through it.
It is a form you fill out.
Really.
It's just admin.
OK, I've got somewhere to be.
No idea where.
Naomi! "It's just admin, really.
It's just admin.
" Said Chairman Mao as he released the great famine.
Now, I'm quite excited about this because I love asking questions, so if there's anything that crosses the line, just say.
Sorry, a bit anxious, look - at the state of those nails.
- Job title? Officially, I am the code wrangling monkey boy.
I've got it on my card, actually.
Leon had these printed up for a bit of a joke.
First question, Leon, nice and easy, what do you do? - How do you mean? - Obviously, I know what you do.
It is obvious, but if it was not obvious, - what would you say it is? - Bus Dev.
Business development, more crucially had a vision.
I'm the big picture guy, Josh is details.
Lost in the desert, I am like, 'Let's drill for oil, make $1 billion.
' And Josh is like, 'Guys, there's sand in the picnic.
' Lead designer, ideas man, head of creative.
I'm the guy who keeps the train on the tracks.
Without me, the wheels would fall off, and Watto sets his beard on fire.
Both of which are examples of things that have actually happened.
Artist in resident/office weirdo/human totem.
I'm the spirit of the place.
- Keeper of the flame.
- But you do coding - also? The old ones and zeros.
- I don't need to, not my thing.
It's like, is Captain Birdseye an actual sailor? I don't know, but he makes great fucking fish fingers.
So you come up with the ideas? No, Josh is ideas, but that's the easy hit.
How would you summarise your position within the company? I'm the brains.
- I'm the brains.
- And if Leon answers otherwise, - he's a liar.
- He said you are the details guy, and then something confusing about picnics.
He said that? - Josh says that he's the brains.
- Fine, I'm the face.
Obviously, the brain controls the face.
No, no, not to this face, this face is disconnected from the brain, this face does not always do what the brain tells it to.
Like you have Bell's palsy? Like my Nan, - with the eyelid, ugh.
- I mean, kind of.
I'm the back.
Not the backbone, I'm just the flesh on the back.
Can't see me from the front, but I'm always there, just a giant dependable mound of of back flesh.
It's more of a floating role, really.
I'm less of an employee and more like a gas that permeates the space, like radiation.
I definitely do something that you can't see what it is that I do.
Except, I don't give people cancer.
I don't do that.
Business development.
I develop the business.
Ding, ding, ding! Sorry, but that's all we've got time for, thanks so much for playing, Leon.
No, but seriously, thanks.
I also do this.
Aw.
- You can keep that if you like.
- Thanks.
And I really love what you've done to the office.
Last one, bit of fun, favourite wizard in literature? Ponder Stibbons from the Discworld universe.
Sorry, who? Ponder Stibbons from the Discworld universe.
I'm sorry, why would you need to know that? Don't worry, I'll just put Gandalf.
No, don't put that, it's too obvious.
Give me a minute.
- Sorry, I have other people coming in.
- Just give me a second.
Prospero.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- Yeah, - put that.
- Yep.
Hi, Dad.
How's the? Wait, what? What do you mean? That was my dad on the phone, they are back from holiday two months early.
What, that boring holiday that you bought them as a passive aggressive fuck you for taking you to Disneyland too many times? Wow, I wonder why.
I ought to go and see them.
Watto, you got some packages.
I left them on your desk.
Right.
Yeah, good, thanks.
[MUSIC: Broken Racehorse by The Blind Snake.]
Oh, sweet horny hell, that's good.
Watto? [HE CLEARS HIS THROAT.]
Yes, Ewan? You OK in there, Matey? Uh Yes, thanks, I'm fine, Matey.
Do I need to go and fetch Josh and Leon? What's in the box there, mate? Are we talking pharmaceuticals, or? - Toby jugs.
- Toby? Just Toby jugs.
Ah, interesting.
And can I see them or? Recently, I have become quite an avid collector of Toby jugs.
Didn't have you pegged as a Toby mugs kind of guy.
This is a fucking lovely piece right here.
Wow, he's a biggie, isn't he? I just like the smell of them, you know.
Sure, I know.
I know.
Don't need to be worried about this, mate.
- It's harmless, Ewan.
- Right.
I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be.
So, I have been going through Naomi's fact-finding report re-efficiencies Where's Josh? Oh, he just had to pop out.
Why is there so much popping out in this office? You know what's going to pop out pretty soon? My semi-automatic, and I'm going to shoot the next motherfucker - who pops out during office hours.
- Note to self, cancel podiatrist.
I'm joking.
OK, so, energy bills are huge, you're paying way over for your server hire.
And why is there always music playing in the bathroom? It's crazy making.
Are you aware of how many different teas you are providing for your staff? - 13, one more than Google.
- 14, we just added Assam.
14, two more than Google.
Great, that is really impressive.
Well done.
Not really, I'm doing it again.
Watto, cut the teas, you're not a 14-tea organisation.
Ewan, I need you to lose three from coding.
- What, sorry? - There's a duplication of roles.
We have coding guys in LA you can use, so I need you to fire three people.
Redundancies, you think you can handle that for me? Absolutely not, categorically no way.
Great, Naomi get him the names.
Leon, some confusion over what it is you do exactly.
What? How do you mean? - I made this place.
- Now, we understand what you did you raised the money, you made the sale happen but what do you do now? What do you do now? Like, what's the last thing you actually did? Like, now.
Like, tell me now.
Like, tell me right now.
- I fixed a - Paper jam.
- Don't say paper jam.
- A paper jam.
Don't say paper jam.
Casey Casey Casey, this is me.
No disrespect, they're the worker bees, that lot out there, I am the Emperor bee.
I don't think there is such thing as an Emperor bee, though.
I can't believe this, Casey, I am basically you.
It's fine, Leon.
It's fine, really, we just need to find you a new role.
OK, so teas, firing, Leon, good.
We are all done.
Excellent.
Thank you guys so much for your time, I really appreciate it.
I don't! I don't, I was doing it again.
So, you just bailed on your holiday, did you? What, too much culture for you? Couldn't wait to come back home and watch Doc Martin and eat crumpets? - No, we had a good time.
- I had arranged a very special dispensation for you both to visit the site of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon in Iraq.
But maybe we'll just cancel that, shall we? Maybe go to the garden centre, eat a ploughman's? - Where's Mum? - In the caravan.
- Why is she in the caravan? - Ask her.
[KNOCKING.]
Mum? Hey, darling.
- Why are you in the caravan? - It doesn't clean itself, does it? - What's up with your? - What? - Let me see her teeth.
- What? - Show me your teeth.
Show me.
- No need to see my teeth.
- Nothing.
- Show me, Mother.
Holy shit.
- What have you done? - Oh, there's a place in Prague.
Right, so you thought you'd get yourself some new teeth, did you? - A pair of massive gnashers.
- With the money Leon gave me.
Did you have anything else done? Oh, my God.
Have you got a new pair of boobies? Jesus Christ, Josh! No, there's nothing else.
All right? - There's just, you know, that, so - What? - Just, you know, a little - What? Nothing, just - Just that.
- A tattoo?! Beats for breakfast, bass for tea.
- What does that even mean? - You know, have fun.
This isn't about mildew, is it, Mum? I'm a grown-up.
Whatever it is, I can take it.
I want some space, Josh.
I need some space away from your dad.
The travel, the trip you gave us, it it really awakened me.
I'm having a wobble, Josh.
Thank you for your honesty, I appreciate it.
Right.
[HE RETCHES.]
I can't fight people.
I'm a coward.
Confrontation's basically my kryptonite.
Along with pastry, lactose and brains.
I'm stressing about these teas.
I've got to lose seven teas.
Hold on.
I'm not a coder.
I'm a visionary.
You don't hire Monet to creosote your decking.
Seriously, fuck this new regime.
It's like that thing, you know, the lunatics have taken over the asylum.
Only the other way round, the authorities have taken back, regained control of the asylum.
- Here you are.
OK.
- Oh, here he is.
Something's happened.
Something bad with my mum and dad.
- Like what? What do you mean? - Well, she's basically living in the caravan with massive teeth, which she bought with the money you gave her, so thanks for that.
No, not Jeff and Linda, surely? - They're Fred and Wilma.
- What about Monday night roast? Are we still going to be able to go for Monday night roast? - What's going on? - I don't know, Leon.
OK, eyelid.
I don't expect any of you to see this, but my eyelid is now going twitch, twitch, twitch.
- There it goes again.
- So, what are they saying, Josh? She said she's having a wobble.
- She said she wants some space.
- It could be an affair.
Second family.
- What, like in a cellar? - We haven't got a cellar.
Garage, loft? Is your dad OK? You don't think he had, you know Jesus Christ! How about a bit of sensitivity, guys? - A bit of mindfulness.
- Apologies, Josh, for not being more mindful.
This is all my fault.
I should have just paid off the bloody mortgage.
How I going to make this better Leon? Josh, this is what I do.
I use my mouth and I get people talking.
I make things happen.
I'll talk to your mum and I'll fix this.
What are you doing? Showing you that I care.
[INAUDIBLE.]
Paula, Paula! - Hi! - Hello.
Can I have a quick word? - Yeah.
- Inside the office.
Is everything OK? Fabulous.
Listen I've been thinking and, various reasons, throughout the company, I've had to have a long think.
- You OK? - I'd like to give you a bonus.
- Another one.
Yes.
- Yes! - I'd love a bonus.
- Me, too.
- Me, too.
- Yes.
Amazing.
The thing is, it would be kind of a redundancy bonus.
Because we've actually kind of spent the last one, we put it towards a new flat, because - Good for you.
- Urn, we need an extra bedroom.
Because Ah, Christ! - Cos of a baby.
- A baby.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you so much.
- No, it's wonderful.
- Thank you.
It's wonderful.
I'm pretty sure it was the day you gave us the first - bonus.
- Was it really? I took Mark out for dinner to celebrate and then Next thing you know, buff.
- There you go.
- Bish, bash, bosh! I know what happens.
- Yeah.
- That feels sick.
- Just Happiness.
- Sure, yeah.
Cos Casey said that there are guys in LA who - Doesn't matter.
- So, another bonus! What's it for? Because I'm Paula.
Just general bonus attitude.
- Bonus.
OK.
- Amazing.
- Great.
Thank you.
- Lovely.
There you go.
That's fabulous.
5K to Gryffindor.
She's delighted.
Fucking hell.
[TV ON.]
You seen my SNES? We're designing a racing game.
- I wanted to play Mario Kart.
- Ask your mother.
Mum, have you seen my Super Nintendo? - I think we threw it away.
- Of course we did.
It's only my whole entire childhood.
Why wouldn't we? Do you know what, Dad? I feel really bad, like somehow this is all my fault.
I feel so guilty.
It's like my act of generosity has basically wrecked your marriage.
I don't know.
I just can't help but blame myself.
Dad, Dad? Yeah, it does look a bit like that, doesn't it? - What do you mean? - Well, we never had this problem when we went to Disney World, did we? We just went on the Dumbo ride and came home again.
Right, so you think it's my fault, do you? - It's someone's fault.
My fault? - Maybe it's your fault, Dad? - Maybe you're boring.
- Your holiday was fucking boring, son.
Minsk Botanical Gardens? Disney World, we never had to talk to each other.
- [DOOR BELL RINGS.]
- That's what made it so great.
I heard.
Your mum texted my mum.
Didn't know the mums were still talking.
- Brought gin? - Don't want to give my dad gin.
- He's depressed enough as it is.
- It's not for your dad, Josh.
Spent a lot of time in this caravan.
- Played a lot of games.
- Burned a lot of holes in the carpet.
I don't mean to shock you, Linda, but our weed intake back then was pretty high.
This caravan was basically a mobile bong.
And I know it gets pretty cold out there at night, and just in there Big old, lovely Jeff.
And you know Josh - is worried about you.
- Josh worries too much.
He's a millionaire.
Should be living.
Yeah, I tell him that that all the time.
But Jeff, right, let me give you the hard sell on Jeff.
The three USPS of Jeffrey Connors.
One, he's funny.
You remember when those trousers fell down in Brighton? That was, that was gold.
Two, durability.
He's never not been there for me, for any of us.
He came and got me from the police station that one time.
Three, he's a sweetheart.
All right, he might not know how to always show it.
He's not exactly Captain Cuddles, but he loves us.
- You know he does.
- I don't know, Leon.
I I just feel like, what if there's more out there than doing jigsaw puzzles of Westie dogs - and a pair of leggings.
- Linda, listen to me.
As your surrogate second son, I've seen the lifestyle.
It's not as good as you think.
Nothing is better than Jeff.
Trust me.
Apart from maybe my helicopter.
You've got a helicopter? - It's amazing.
- Where would you rather be? Up here, or down there, curled up in front of Countryfile with lovely, - lovely Jeff? - Oh, sorry, darling.
I wasn't listening.
It's amazing.
Linda, it's hollow.
Trust me, the novelty wears off really quick.
Does it, though? OK, no.
It's basically brilliant all the time.
Look how high we are! Oh, my God! Leon, Leon.
I'll tell you what else I've always really wanted to do.
- No, no, no.
That's a bad idea.
- Oh, please, Leon.
I just need to get it out of my system.
Do you promise you'll go back to Jeff if I buy you cocaine? Leon, I totally, totally promise.
Boom, nailed.
Take us to Colombia! Let's go the whole hog.
Let's cut camomile and fennel.
Basically, cut all the Twinings.
Is that what you want, Ewan? I don't thump people very often but I will thump you upside the head.
Maybe we should just cut peppermint.
Are you kidding me right now? You know that's my only IBS-friendly hot drink option.
You cut peppermint and I will literally shit in my pants every day for ever.
God.
It's so hard.
This is just like Sophie's Choice, only if Sophie had had 14 kids.
I'm sorry.
I think I'm letting it all get on top of me.
Do you think I've got to fire these people personally? Can't I just send him one of those bomb disposal robots, with a note saying, sorry, and some Ferrero Rocher? - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- I'll get that.
Thinking about getting a mediator for Mum and Dad.
Either The guy who settled Apple versus Samsung or this is a potentially stupid idea - Blair.
- Tony? You can get him for like half an hour.
It's like £100,000.
You want to get Tony Blair to keep your parents together? It's ridiculous.
But worth a try? Josh, I think maybe you just need to leave them to it.
Sometimes things don't work out like you think they will.
Like me and you? Or me and Greg.
- I know you hate him, Josh.
- Hate is a very strong word, Abbey.
But in this case, it's entirely acceptable.
I mean, piddle puddle puddle Weird being back in here.
Mm.
You know, we never finished coding Vagina Miner.
- That video game we started.
- Abbey, I remember Vagina Miner.
Essentially, Manic Miner, but set inside the Queen's vagina.
Maybe we should try and finish it again sometime.
Don't know.
Only if you wanted to.
I've got a build of it in an old laptop somewhere.
- I'd like to see that build.
- I'd like to show you that build.
All right.
- [TAPPING.]
- Open! Open! - Is that peaches? - If it's a small tin, it could be tuna, it could be salmon.
Probably salmon.
- It's only a tin of salmon! Just open! - Yeah, it's salmon.
And why is he hitting the can of salmon with a hammer? Oh, God.
It's quite simple, isn't it? All you need to do is open up Tin of salmon.
The electric tin opener won't work.
Dad, don't worry about it.
We'll get a new one.
Do you think she's ready to come back in the house? It's going to be OK, Dad.
Leon's talking to her, all right? Everything's going to be fine.
Oh! Look at me.
I'm the MILF of Wall Street.
I needed this, Leon.
Jeff doesn't get it.
He's boring.
He never wants to do anything, ever.
I mean, that's why we fell out.
Inverness, yeah? Stayed in the room.
Stayed in his room in Venice, playing Sudoku.
- What's that about? - You're definitely going back to him? - Definitely.
Definitely do that, yeah.
- Boom.
Sorted, see? Casey thinks I don't do anything.
This is what I do.
I find unconventional solutions to unconventional problems.
- That is what you do, Leon.
- That is exactly.
They think I can't develop the business? I'm not businessly-minded? - I am businessly-minded.
- So businessly-minded.
- I'm so businessly-minded.
- So businessly-minded.
I am so businessly-minded, it hurts.
Is businessly definitely a word? I don't know.
- Is businessly a word? - It isn't a word.
No.
I should stop using it, because I am a businessman.
I am going to sit up all night and write a massive business plan and then we'll see who the big businessman is.
[THEY SNIFF.]
[HE LAUGHS.]
- Linda, come here.
- Why, what's going on? [HE SNIFFS.]
[MUSIC: Gonna Make My Own Money by Deap Vally.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
- I've written a business plan.
- Right.
The next 30 years of Idyl Hands, totally mapped out, - Chinese expansion, brethren.
- 30-year business plan.
- So who you sending it to? - Everyone.
Casey, you, Branson.
Musk.
All those pricks at Google.
- What about my mum? - Yeah, she's got a copy.
No! With my dad.
Oh, er, yeah, yeah.
That's sorted.
She's going back to him.
Oh, man.
That's huge.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was nothing.
It's what I do.
OK, so I've set up a shell company, Field Mouse Media.
I'm not going to fire anyone.
I'm going to offer them all jobs.
- Where? - At my fake company.
Field Mouse Media.
Doing what? Making fake games.
I don't think that's going to work out, you know? Are you all right, mate? Yes, thanks.
- What are you up to, man? - You know, this and that.
Right, there's a bear, yeah? Everyone sees the bear.
Oh, it was a bargain all right.
Yep, this was a very, very wise investment indeed.
You've certainly moved on from the Toby jugs there, mate.
Anyway - We should give you a hand.
- No, no.
It's fine, it's fine.
Don't go in there.
That's my bedroom.
Don't go in.
Crikey! Hello, everyone.
How does a man find sleep in here? That's quite the inventory, Walter.
Yeah, well, you need three of everything, don't you? One to use, one to keep, one to trade as basics.
And would you say you're addicted, mate? No, Josh.
I wouldn't.
It's harmless.
It's just you've been acting a bit shady, you know? - Old habits.
- Yeah, I found a pottery Winston Churchill in the toilet cistern.
I thought it was a bit weird.
I don't tell you lot what you can and can't spend your money on, do I? I didn't stop you from getting that investment linked annuity, did I? I wish you had, to be honest.
It's been a total And Leon, helicopter and Ferrari? What, am I not allowed to buy a couple of mugs and a big brown bear? Yeah, all right.
Fair point.
We're just trying to - look out for you man, that's all.
- Well, you know what? Leave me alone.
Seriously.
Get out.
Go on.
Just leave me alone.
Get out.
Go on, all three of you.
Get out.
Judging me.
Judging me and my stuff.
Unbelievable! Mum.
Oh, what time is it? Reconciliation time, Mum.
No, Josh, I've been thinking OK, let's not dwell on that now.
Let's go inside the house, Dad's bought some Tunnock's Teacakes.
Cos I was over the city last night, in Leon's helicopter.
And I looked down and I thought, yeah, Josh is right.
- The world is a big place.
- You went in a helicopter? I was opening a tin of salmon with a hammer.
Mum, Mother, what's this, Mother? Here? What's that, there? Please? What's this here, Mother, please? Oh, let's just stay calm, all right? Let's all just stay calm, shall we? Oh, my God! You're a fucking cokehead! Did Leon do this? Did he spike you? Bloody hell, Linda.
Coke and helicopters? All of a sudden, it's like I'm married to fucking Van Halen.
- It's not a wobble, OK? - OK, OK, OK.
Just an indiscretion.
- Just a one off.
- No, Josh, no, it's more than that.
I think maybe I've started to figure out who I really am.
Yeah, new Linda, with your stupid horse teeth and your shit tattoo.
- See? - You're not helping, Dad.
I've been thinking about doing the album of jazz standards.
Oh, no.
Not the album.
Mum, I know that it must seem like life's really exciting right now.
But it isn't, not for you because you've had your life, really, haven't you? It's actually quite selfish to start thinking about yourself.
In Really I want a divorce.
Where's Leon? I'm going to kill him.
Oh, hey, Leon.
I'm just reading your business plan.
Oh, yeah? How is it? Well, I'm on page 320, so only about half way through.
But, yeah, it's interesting.
Big fonts.
Lots of caps.
Yeah, obviously it needs a bit of an edit.
I don't think I've ever seen a business plan - with so many emoticons.
- Emoticon? Really? Wow.
You can't read that many, then.
So, I'm just printing out a copy for Casey and I'm sure this is intentional, but there's quite a lot of photos of your face.
Actually, it's just the same photo, just 40 times.
That was Just for a bit of context, really.
- You can bin them.
Bin them.
- Will do, thanks.
I'll pass it along.
Finally! OK, I'm only going to say this once.
Did you give my mum cocaine and take her up on a helicopter? Josh, who cares how I did it? The point is it worked.
Except I didn't, though, did it? Because now - she's asking for a divorce.
- What!? - She promised.
- That's weird isn't it? Someone made a promise while they were high and didn't keep it.
Like the time we got stoned and said we were going to - open a fucking bakery.
- I still think it's an option.
I think she's just going through a difficult time.
So, you're on her side, are you? It's not about sides, mate.
They're my mum and dad too, you know that.
They're all of our mum and dad, really.
Because you have to think about her, too, Josh, not just yourself.
She really wants to make that album.
Jesus, Leon! You can't do anything, can you? You're so fucking useless.
Anyway, I should go.
Mate, I - It's Ewan.
- Why are they still not fired, Ewan? Do it now, or I unleash the fires of hell.
Don't look at me.
I need a favour, Naomi.
Bad.
Hi, Mum.
I've got a proposition for you.
It's about the album.
Greetings! - Hello, everybody.
- OK, you're on your own.
- Thank you, Naomi.
- What is this? I'm sorry I can't be there.
I had to nip out.
I'm currently working in an off-site capacity.
Thing is, things change, don't they? Seasons, train timetables, the terms and conditions of the iTunes Store.
But change can sometimes be a good thing.
Hang on, are you firing us? No! No No, but if I were, I'd be offering a very generous remuneration package.
- Are you in the toilet? - What!? No! No, I'm in a digital rendering facility, - somewhere in Dulwich.
- Oh.
Paula? Paula! Paula! I'm sorry! Ewan, I know you're in there.
Come out here and fire me like a real man.
Ewan! This is not how you treat people, Ewan.
I thought Leon was bad! So, we thrashed it out.
And, basically Mum? I'd like to move back in.
Well, I'm not sure if I want you to.
Mum? I'd really like to give it another go.
Great! Let's eat.
I got lunch: catered, natch.
Oh, my God, it's the Monday night roast! Bit heavy for 11am, but who cares? Not me.
Dig in, guys.
Dig in.
Dad.
Mum.
Mmm.
Mmm-mm! I bet you missed this on your travels, didn't you? Do you know what? I can't do this.
I'm sorry, Josh, you can keep your money, - but I just can't.
- You paid her to come round? Look, can we just be adults about this, please? Because everybody knows you need an inducement to enter into a relationship, whether it's sexual, or emotional, or a cash lump sum.
No, didn't pay her.
- I just said I'd help fund the album.
- Oh, not the album.
Maybe get the sound engineer that worked with Il Divo.
Look, I realise I can't stay with you just because I can't cook my own sodding dinner.
It's over, Josh.
And it's going to be OK.
Honestly, this is the best thing for all of us.
Look, it's not your fault, Josh.
Probably just going to go to my room for a bit.
Everyone! I've got something I need to say.
I'm addicted to stuff.
That's the truth.
Josh was right.
It's nonsense, I'm just addicted to stuff.
But we all are.
We're slaves to it.
We're spoiled.
We're all just a of spoiled cunts.
And not just me, but everybody.
We go out for lunch with our spelt flour wraps and our buttermilk fried chicken.
We lose our shit the minute they run out of harissa.
Since when has that been a reasonable reaction to the lack of a fairly niche condiment? Now, apparently the suits want us to cut back on the number of free teas that we provide in that kitchen.
They want me to cut 7 out of 14 teas.
Well, I'm not going to be cutting seven teas today.
Or eight, or nine, or ten.
We are going to be bringing it back, we are going to bring it back down to one tea.
Let us all drink the same slightly disappointing brew.
For that is the British way! Now, give me my English breakfast or give me death! I fired them.
- It was horrible.
- Oh, mate.
Also, inspirational as that was, you just cut the one hot drink that doesn't make my tummy ache.
Ta.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, man.
Your mum called.
I brought you this.
The SNES.
Sorry for fucking up your mum.
It's OK.
I think she was pretty fucked up already.
- I can't believe it, man.
- I know, man.
This is a lot slower than I remember.
Is nothing from my childhood sacred? I got this.
What for? I just thought I should probably figure it out, make myself useful.
You're not a coder, man.
- It's not what you do.
- What do I do, Josh? Because I re-read the business plan and it's bullshit.
Some of it was written in Wingdings, Josh.
Wingdings! OK.
Ewan's the little turtle cos he's fast and bright, but he doesn't have any clout.
Watto's the mushroom because he does a lot of mushrooms.
I'm the track cos I keep everything together.
You know what you are, man? You're the power-ups.
You're the things that make it go quicker and knock people out of the way.
If it wasn't for you, I'd still be right here in this bedroom, broke and normal.
- I'm the power-ups? - Yeah.
You know something else? Right now, after everything that's happened, you're the most stable thing in my life.
- Thanks, man.
- No problem.
I'm the power-ups.
Right, let's go down the office.
I want to speak to Casey.
Actually, do you know what? I'll see you there.
I just need to pop out for a bit.
Vagina Miner.
I thought we could pick it up where we left off.
Oh! Hey, Leon.
Just reading your business plan.
You know, I haven't done blow since 1989.
- Makes me miss it.
- We're not firing anyone.
Oh, yeah.
We've already made some reductions.
- Painful, but necessary.
- You bought this, us, and I know you might be thinking, "What the fuck have I bought?" I mean, you might not be, but OK, apparently you are.
But the fact is, it worked.
We worked.
Forget the projections, forget the burn rate, don't look down at the piece of paper.
Look up at the next thing.
Ten years, I've never known if we're going to keep the lights on in this place.
But check this out.
The point is, we shouldn't be firing good people.
We should be keeping them and backing ourselves to grow this place, hire more people.
Expand the office.
Fuck it, let's go 20 teas.
Let's tea-bag Google right here.
Bollocks.
That's what you are, Leon.
You're the bollocks of this place.
Man, it's fun to say bollocks.
That's, like, the one benefit of working here.
I knew it! I knew you had it in you.
I just had to see it for myself.
Well, I I just prefer to be like a quiet figure of authority.
Keep your staff, hire them back.
This new game, I want you to head that one up.
- No, Josh is lead designer.
- He answers to you on this one.
Don't let him get tangled up in the weeds, hm? All right, yeah.
Good job, Leon.
I mean that.
No sarcasm.
Man, I am really getting good at that.
So, me and Abi are going to give it another go.
Oh, yeah? Congratulations, man.
- No, I'm happy for you.
- Thanks, man.
- I really appreciate that.
- Right, here we go.
Monday night roast is served.
Thank you, this looks amazing.
No it doesn't, it looks abject and repellent.
But I'll keep trying.
The good news, you don't have to fire anyone, - they can all have their jobs back.
- Great! So, the people I just fired, they'll be back at work, will they? - Yes.
- Next to me? - Yeah.
- Sat next to the people I just fired? Everyone's a winner with the obvious exception.
[CRASHING AND SCREAMING.]
It's all right, I'm OK.
Office dildo.
Don't mind if I do.
OK.
Nobody panic, but I think I might be addicted to smashing things.