Loot (2022) s03e03 Episode Script

1
[upbeat music plays]
Welcome to WellsFoundation.net.
I'm Molly Wells.
You're probably here because
you saw one of my 17 Super Bowl ads.
I hope that wasn't out of bounds.
I wanna share with you
what we're doing here,
which is nothing less than
a revolution in charitable giving.
Absolute transparency is
my mission, my promise,
my neck, my back, my pussy and my crack.
Let me break it down for you.
Drop a beat, motherfucker.
I'm rich ♪
I'm that bitch ♪
Lick my… Money ♪
I didn't do any of that!
You've been deepfaked, coz.
I've been what?
Someone used AI to hijack
your likeness and spread disinformation.
This must be the other billionaires.
This is their payback.
Uh, guys. The video's out there.
My dentist just sent it to me.
[vocalizes]
What's my name?
I'm Molly Wells ♪
I hate poors
They stink and smell ♪
I keep my money in my vault ♪
- If you're poor
- Then it's your fault
- [gasps]
- Oh, my God.
I said I'd give my money away
But I'd rather do lines on my PJ ♪
PJ stands for private jet
You dumb little shits ♪
What don't you get? ♪
Dusty hoes and Bernie bros ♪
Suck my yacht
I'm out ♪
["Gimme That Money" playing]
[song ends]
[sighs] Oh, God. This is a disaster.
The deepfake now has
more views than the Super Bowl ads,
- and the comment sections are vicious.
- What does that word mean?
Uh, that is short for "discuntinue."
Okay.
This is just our world now.
You know, we live in a post-truth society.
And for God's sake, some people
still think we landed on the moon!
Guys! I've got it, I have a solution.
Don't listen to her. She could be AI.
If you're really Molly,
when's my birthday?
I have no idea.
It's her.
I just received an invitation
from Lady Olivia Tottenham.
She's a famous British philanthropist
and the fifth richest person in the UK,
in between Baby Spice and Posh Spice.
Every year she gives away
the Silver Cross for Good Works,
and this year she wants to give it to me.
But what about the deepfake?
Oh, well, she must not have seen it.
I mean, she's pretty old.
Yeah, she probably thinks
TikTok is the sound a clock makes.
She doesn't realize
it's a web page. [chuckles]
[chuckles] That's a good one, Arthur.
[chuckles] I just thought of it.
Guys, this award is a big deal.
There's a whole ceremony
at her charity cricket match,
and we are all invited.
Look, I don't like messing around
with the British aristocracy.
- All of those little cakes and slavery.
- [Howard] Hmm.
[Sofia] How does this help us?
Well, if I get this award,
then that's the new story.
It's about me looking
fabulous in my tiny little hat
while getting honored for being perfect.
- Molly, but…
- This is not up for discussion.
I need this. So, let's pack up
our wellies and our teapots,
'cause we're going to England.
Now let's get ready to wank.
She doesn't know what it means.
She thinks it's like "aloha."
["What Do I Get?" playing]
- Everything okay?
- [music fades]
Not really.
I'm doing some research on Lady Olivia.
Oh. Let me give you some advice.
When you're about to meet a rich person,
never, ever look them up.
Well, guess where
the Tottenham family fortune came from.
Her grandfather owned
a diamond mine in Africa.
Ah. Well, you know what?
That was her grandfather.
Grandfathers do weird stuff.
My pop-pop used to eat a peach
and then suck on the pit for three hours,
and when he spit it out,
it looked like a river stone.
Come on, Molly. That's not the same thing.
Lady Olivia's fortune is blood money.
Yes, but she has taken it
and done a lot of good with it.
Just like your girl here.
Sofia, it's gonna be fine.
And on the upside,
you get to wear a fun little hat.
Yeah, and that's how they suck you in.
Costumes, medals.
Mr. Darcy fucking you on a hill.
Okay, specific.
It's dangerous.
Listen. I promise you,
everything is going to be fine.
It's all gonna wank out.
Now let's get British.
- [team cheering, laughing]
- [Arthur] Cheerio!
["BAND4BAND" playing]
[Central Cee] I'm not in the mood
'Cause my flight delayed
So I jumped on a private jet
And I'm askin' the pilot the ETA ♪
Lambo' parked on the landin' strip
Everyone in my gang and my DJ paid ♪
Why's my man talkin' 'bout Inshallah?
These times, he don't even pray ♪
Why's my man wearin' a Jesus piece? ♪
We can go band for band ♪
[Lil Baby]
Fuck that, we can go M for M
[spectators cheering]
It's got to the point
That I don't even care ♪
I got jewels in the safe
That I don't even wear ♪
Good afternoon, Wells Foundation.
Welcome on behalf of
her Ladyship Olivia Tottenham.
You had a pleasant journey, I trust?
Yes, we had a wonderful trip.
Thank you for inviting us.
And can I say,
I am loving the British vibe so far.
The sun is out, yet I'm freezing.
Enchanting.
[stammers] Her Ladyship has requested
that Miss Wells and Miss Salinas
join her in her private box.
Ooh la la. Have fun, babe.
- Aw. I'll miss you.
- I'll miss you.
- Oh, are we British now?
- Oh, yeah, we are.
- Oh.
- Ta-ta.
- Ta for now.
- [aide] Sorry to intrude. Ladies?
That's us.
Ew.
Heterosexuality is so embarrassing.
[sighs] Something about this English air
makes me really wanna do coke.
[gasps] Three Coca-Colas, coming right up.
[mumbles]
Ooh, mine says VIP. Probably 'cause
Molly and I are an item. Yeah.
You guys should come into my box.
The seats will be better.
Plus, the boys gotta roll together.
Los Tres Leches, am I right?
- Huh? [chuckles]
- Hmm.
Does he know that means "the three milks"?
I do now, and I still like it!
[both sigh]
[majestic music plays]
- Good day.
- Oh. [chuckles]
So the teeth thing is real, huh?
Oh, come on. Look at this.
This is so nice.
And they have a sandwich tower.
Mmm, nummy, let's see what they've got.
"Cinnamon beef.
Eggy trout.
Bloodcress.
Shitted hen.
Minted runt."
Well, let's see
what they have for dessert.
"Soldier's tit"?
- Ladies. Right this way, please.
- Oh.
May I present her Ladyship
Baroness Olivia Tottenham
of Tallyway upon Thames upon Trent.
Lady Olivia, Miss Molly Wells
and Miss Sofia Salinas of Los Angeles
upon Los Angeles River.
[chuckling] Oh, please, my dears.
None of that.
- Ooh, we're very casual here.
- Oh, good.
I'm so honored to meet you.
Thank you, Miss Wells,
for accepting the award.
Well-deserved.
The work you've done is so inspiring.
Oh. The pleasure is all mine.
Uh, and Miss Salinas?
The brains behind it all.
Tell me, dear,
how did you come to philanthropy?
Well, I wasn't surrounded
by this growing up.
Most of my shoes came from power lines.
"Power lines"?
Is that an ethnic shop?
Uh, we are so excited about
the cricket match, Lady Olivia.
Oh, you're very sweet to lie, my dear.
Actually, it's terribly boring.
[chuckles] Really just an excuse
to drink champagne in the morning.
[chuckles]
Uh, would you bring our honored guests
two clotted jigglers, please?
[chuckles] Uh, lemon or lamb?
What?
Ooh, Bellinis on the house.
See?
It pays to roll with a VIP. [chuckles]
Oh, uh, don't worry, everyone.
No. These two are with me.
Yeah, they're cool.
Why are all these women
contoured within an inch of their lives?
Hiya, loves.
Who you crackin' on with?
- Excuse me?
- Who's your Mommy Warbucks, love?
Mine's right over there.
Lord Higgins, the bloke
who you can see right through his hair.
[chuckles] He paid for this lot.
[exhales sharply] Oh, I get it.
These are the mistresses.
Arthur, you got sat with the mistresses.
You know,
I've never seen a man here before.
A bit of an inspiration you are, love.
You know, for the glass ceilings
and all that. [chuckles]
[chuckles] No, n-n-n-n-no, sorry.
This is-is some mistake.
Yeah, no. [stammers]
I'm in a proper, equal relationship.
Right, and who's paying for it, love?
- [stammers]
- Ooh.
Well, she mostly pays for it.
But she likes to. Yeah.
- I have a job.
- Oh, I have a job too.
Knobbin' up Lord Higgins's jubblies!
[laughs]
[laughing] Okay. Very colorful.
I don't knob jubblies, okay? This is…
I think this is just a funny mistake.
Is it a mistake, though? I mean,
this Bratz doll might have a point.
- Mmm.
- There is a huge power imbalance there.
Molly has all the status,
and all the money.
Well, I guess. But it's not like
she's using me for my body.
I don't know. You did tell me
that sometimes you're relieved
when she falls asleep.
Because I don't like
the shows she makes me watch.
Hey, I-I'm not a side piece.
I am… I am the main dish.
Oh, I'll bet you are.
I bet she pays a pretty quid
for this arse, oy?
- [laughing]
- Okay, okay.
That's plenty of that. Okay?
Uh, we are clearly in the wrong section,
and there's been a mistake.
So, Tres Leches out.
- Ta.
- This is gonna sound kinda weird,
but, um, how you look is how I feel.
Ah, thanks, babes.
Molly, we'll present you with the
Silver Cross of Good Works at interval,
which could be anywhere from
two hours to three days from now.
- [chuckles]
- Cricket makes absolutely no sense.
[chuckles] Oh, it's so exciting.
I heard you gave
the Cross to Bono last year.
Oh, yes. We did, yes.
He was wonderful. Quite a gentleman.
Well, I do a pretty mean
"With or Without You" at karaoke
if you need me to
bust it out during the ceremony.
[laughs] You delightful American wildcat.
[both laugh]
Oh, and look at your bracelet.
- It's absolutely gorgeous.
- Oh. Oh, yes. Thank you.
- Yes, a family piece. Quite beautiful.
- Mmm.
And where'd your family
get those diamonds?
Ah, yes. The dreaded family business.
[chuckles] A bit unfortunate.
Unfortunate, yes.
Human rights abuses are unfortunate.
Ah! Will you excuse us, Lady Olivia?
Sofia and I need to have a quick wank.
We'll be right back.
Qui… Quick wank?
Sofia, I know you don't like this,
but all I'm asking is for you
to hold your tongue for two to 72 hours.
This is not like us.
This is not who we are, Molly.
All of this crap is built on
the backs of people we're trying to help.
Look, I am just trying to
rescue the foundation.
Is this about the foundation,
or are you embarrassed
about the deepfake
and you want a shiny medal?
Of course I am embarrassed.
It's my face out there, Sofia.
My neck, my back, my pussy and my crack.
I need you to back me up here.
[stammers] Molly, no. I can't.
You're going to have to do this yourself.
[spectators cheering]
Okay, my section's pretty good too.
Let's just enjoy the match.
Yeah, Arthur, you can relax.
No one here knows you're a little whore.
- [scoffs]
- [giggles]
Ooh, you must be the Americans
Cousin Olivia's been talking about.
I'm Rupert Tottenham.
Oh, hey, Rupert. I'm Howard.
Oh, surprisingly damp.
- Uh… You're a Tottenham?
- We all are.
Welcome to the extended family section.
Free drinks and free picky bits.
Yeah, interesting.
That would explain why
everyone in here looks like
they're working with a limited gene pool.
[Albert] Oh, I see.
Howard, that's why you're here.
He's also a rich person's cousin.
Oh, no, no. I'm not just here
because I'm Molly's cousin.
I work with her too.
Of course. We all work for Cousin Olivia.
Horatio's in charge of mud,
uh, Alice names the horses,
and I'm keeper of the keys. Hmm.
- Oh, no.
- No, no. It is different for me.
I'm not some freeloader.
You do live at her house.
Maybe you're the whore.
- Shut up.
- Oh, she let you in the main estate.
Jolly good show.
Okay, you know what?
I think we're done here.
Pleasure to meet you, Rupert.
Let's go, gentlemen.
- [Nicholas] Where are that guy's thumbs?
- [Howard] Shut up!
- [mistress 1] Thanks, babes.
- Oh.
- Um.
- [mistress 2] Cheers.
[sighs]
You all right, love? You look a bit lost.
Oh, I'm just looking for my friends.
Ugh, ain't we all.
Come have a seat, kitty.
- Yeah.
- I am a little tired.
It's like 4:00 a.m. for my body.
God.
- Your skin is ace, innit?
- Oh.
Like a melon.
I think you could use
a little pop of color.
Just a wee bit.
- Pucker up, doll.
- Oh, okay.
Come here. I'll be gentle.
[Ainsley] God, it is really gentle.
You have a light touch.
I'm back.
I'm so sorry about Sofia.
- Oh, it's quite all right, dear.
- Well,
she shouldn't have brought up the mines.
The past is the past.
It's ancient history.
Yeah, well. Not entirely ancient.
What?
I mean, they're still quite operational.
- They're still open?
- Oh, yes, of course.
To get the diamonds out.
And the magnesium, which I'm told
is very important for missiles.
But you pay people now, right?
And the conditions are better.
Oh. Oh, yes, yes, of course.
We started paying them way back in 1998.
- [softly] Okay.
- And of course they have Sundays off for…
for the funerals.
Bury their siblings, and…
I don't know, go to the grocery. [mutters]
[Molly sighs]
Well, what's more important is
what you've done with all the money.
- You've helped so many people.
- Oh, yes.
And I'm going to give away
all my money before I die…
Oh, see, that's amazing.
…so I can disinherit my daughter Lillibet.
- You don't have to tell me why.
- She's a lesbianic, you see.
- Oh, boy.
- She worships at the altar of Sappho…
- [groans]
- …with her roommate Amanda in Kent.
Can you imagine?
[scoffs] My one solace
is that from her haircut,
Lillibet seems to be the girl.
That's not how that works.
Can I get another jiggler over here?
Okay. Yeah, we're definitely
in my section right now.
The assistants.
Low on the totem pole,
but self-aware about it.
So, let's just sit, okay?
I'm actually not just an assistant.
I'm saving money for art school.
Oh, my God. That's incredible.
You have a dream.
Except look around.
Every single other person in this section
wants to be doing something else.
I mean, my big dream is to be an actor.
It's not just some dream.
You are an actor.
You got offered that big audition.
Whatever.
It was just for some stupid K-drama.
I mean, the character
didn't even have a name.
It was like, "Beautiful Asshole American."
Oh, my God.
You were almost
"Beautiful Asshole American"?
You know what that is?
Yeah, he's from my favorite show,
Hotel Kissing.
It's massive in the UK right now.
What?
Oh, she's right.
It's number one on all the charts.
My God. It's above Love is Can't Smell.
So, wait.
You're telling me that entire time
I was on that island with Molly,
this guy was getting famous instead of me?
I mean, look at him.
He's not even that beautiful.
And there is no way
he's as big of an asshole as you.
Thank you.
[sighs] You know what?
I need to get a drink.
This is your fault.
If you'd just admitted
you were Molly's little trophy boy,
none of this would've ever happened.
Whatever. At least my mom
isn't sisters with Molly's mom.
You take that back.
- You take that back right now.
- Burn. Burn. Excuse me.
Don't talk about
who my mama's sisters with.
Molly Wells exemplifies
the values that we hold
so dear in the Order of Good Works.
That all people deserve dignity,
compassion and happiness.
- Molly's tireless…
- Sofia, what are you doing here?
I had some Pimm's Cups,
whatever the hell that is,
and I realized I was being harsh.
- I'm probably wrong about Lady Olivia.
- Mm-hmm.
And if this is something
that you really want to do,
then I trust you. We're a team.
Oh, and one more thing.
Um, wanking means masturbation.
[Olivia] …all of her immense resources
to help those most desperately in need.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
It is my great pleasure and honor
to introduce
this year's newly anointed member
of the Order of Good Works,
Molly Wells.
- Feel free to rap a little bit.
- What?
Your video. I loved it.
"Suck my yacht," LOL. [chuckles]
- Okay.
- [sighs]
[Olivia mutters] Oh.
Oh, I just… Stay still, dear.
Oh, this is very embarrassing.
Nobody's had a problem
with this part before.
Not even that Irish half-wit Bono.
- I don't want it!
- Oh.
[crowd gasping]
I don't want your shiny medal.
Lady Olivia,
you are a homophobic, colonial monster.
[Olivia gasps]
Honestly, all of you lords and ladies,
you're all monsters.
Sitting here so smugly
just drinking your jigglers,
giving each other these shiny medals,
eating these absolutely
disgusting sandwiches.
Absolutely disgusting.
Except for minted runt,
which I would like the recipe for.
Look, we shouldn't be
wasting our time with all of this.
We should be giving money
to those who actually need it.
The people, who quite frankly,
this was all built on.
[triumphant music playing]
[scoffs] It-It's so simple.
Just stop being
such fucking wankers!
[crowd gasps]
Oh, and actually,
I just want to say something.
This little game
that you guys are playing,
it's called baseball.
Read a book.
- I'll see you all in hell.
- [crowd exclaims]
Except I will probably have
a box at Wimbledon this summer.
I think I'm going to faint.
Hurry up. We need to
get out of this country immediately.
Definitely. I saw what they think
guacamole is, and it is fucked.
Aw, there she is. Her Majesty herself.
- [laughs]
- [chuckles] Arthur.
Yeah. Here I am, your man meat. You know?
Your hunk of Grade A chuck
that you can just pound out
whenever you please.
I'm here too, catering
to all your little whims.
Testing your estrogen gummies.
Oh.
And you just insisted on us being cousins.
- Ugh.
- Didn't you? You sicko.
Ah, okay.
I don't understand what's happening here.
But I do know that it feels really good
to yell at a rich person,
because I just did that.
She completely told off Lady Olivia.
It was amazing.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh. Okay.
Well, that's… that's actually pretty cool.
- Pretty cool.
- I didn't know that.
But I totally get it
if you guys need a little space
and don't want to get on my jet.
We can get you an Uber to Heathrow.
- Oh. N-No.
- Okay. Well…
- That's a little bit of an overreaction.
- I don't think we're saying that. No.
I promised the pilot
I'd give him a back rub
as long as I didn't tell his wife.
Plus, the jet's got every Disney movie.
- We could watch Moana.
- [gasps]
[groans] Lyrics by Linda Emmanuel,
- the best.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, as long as
you guys are comfortable.
I mean I feel pretty comfortable.
I guess I could get comfortable with it.
- Okay.
- Very comfy.
- Good job.
- That's how you do it.
- [Howard] Yeah, you nailed it.
- [Arthur] That's how you say your shit.
[laughs]
- [Sofia] They are drunk.
- [Molly] Wow. You think?
- Miss Wells.
- Yes?
Do you mind if I take a selfie with you?
Uh, sure.
- You're not mad at me?
- Are you kidding?
"Stop being such fucking wankers."
Brilliant. Thank you so much
for speaking up for us.
Wow.
Oh. [clears throat]
- [camera shutter clicks]
- Thank you.
Hashtag Molly stan. Hashtag Molly nation.
[chuckles] Thank you.
[phone buzzes]
[Molly] What's Molly nation?
Oh, wow. Your rant is all over TikTok.
Everyone's talking about you
fighting billionaires
and speaking truth to power.
No one's talking about
that deepfake anymore.
Maybe…
- they're starting to hear us.
- See?
Exactly as I planned. Once again.
Well, come on, Lady Molly.
It's time to go home.
You got it, Duchess Sofia.
Oh, I don't know
if I can live up to that, though.
Oh, you can.
[British accent] Now where did
those twats knob off to?
[Irish accent] Feckin' mingers.
["Valerie" playing]