Loudermilk (2017) s02e07 Episode Script
He Ain't Heavy
1 You're a virgin.
I'm just a lip virgin.
- You set me up? - She's a great woman.
Hi.
Dad? What are you doing here? Let's go get some grub.
I'm buying.
If you can't have one glass of wine with your old man, then you've got bigger problems than you know, buddy boy.
Yeah, okay.
Now you're starting to get it.
He's a good kid.
He's just going through some heavy stuff.
Oh.
That's why I came back here, to do what dads do.
There, there.
Let it all out.
- Daddy's here.
- [SOBBING.]
Mm-hmm.
[HORN HONKS.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Hey! Thomas the Tank Engine, you want to keep that cloud of poison to yourself? Uh, no worries, man.
It's just water.
Oh, just water? That's toxins, okay? That's propylene and arsenic and lead.
Saddam Hussein had fewer chemicals than that, and we bombed his whole country and strung him up like a piñata.
What do you care? I care because you're blowing it all over me! And this shit affects all of us.
Look at this poor son of a bitch.
He probably looked like George Clooney before you crop-dusted him.
Hey.
Leave me out of this.
Buddy, I'm trying to help you out.
How? By pointing out I look like shit? You think I don't know that? I own a fucking mirror, pal.
Yeah, all right.
Y-You look pretty good for your age, actually.
But this guy's in real trouble, okay? That nicotine there That that That's more addictive than heroin.
Do you know that? And do you want to talk about vaping? You ever heard of "popcorn lung"? No.
It comes in popcorn flavor, though.
You're killing yourself, and you look pretty stupid doing it.
You look like the the "Quittin' Time" whistle at the dipshit factory, huh? You look like Kurt Cobain if he lived in a lamp and worked for Aladdin.
Is that that the look you're going for? Aladdin's Genie? [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
- [COUGHING.]
- [BUS DOORS OPEN.]
[BRAKES HISS.]
[COUGHS.]
Huh.
I guess I should have asked for three wishes.
I did.
But the wrong guy disappeared.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
Lately, I've been feeling angry.
Men don't listen to me.
It's crazy.
But as a woman, I am labeled as "weak," "emotional," or "needy," and yet in every relationship I've ever had, I am the strong one.
I'll never understand that.
Y-You know what? You know what I don't understand? How come every time I'm at a urinal Every time The guy next to me just rips out this huge, loud fart while he's pissing? Really? I'm over here opening up about being a woman I mean, really sharing with you guys, and you segue it into a story about farts? Ooh! Ooh! Miss Big Words.
"Segue into farts.
" Hold on a second, Mugsy.
I think what Claire's trying to say here is that women can fart, too, and pretend that nothing happened.
- I mean, hmm? - LOUDERMILK: Okay.
- Whatever.
- As scintillating as this conversation is, does anybody have something on their mind that's a little relevant? I got something.
Go ahead, Cisco.
Have you ever believed something, like, your whole life and then find out it's not true, like, family kind of stuff? You mean, like, when you tell your little brother that he's been adopted his whole life, but he really isn't? Don't even Just go ahead.
I've always thought I was Latino, you know, really saw that as my identity.
But now my grandmother tells me that we're part Native American.
I don't know, man.
Grandmas say shit like that all the time.
My grandma told me I was part Chinese.
But what if this is true? Like, that could really change things for me, right, Cloud? Like, do I have to start going to rain dances and stuff? Oh, sun dances and powwows are more common.
Just saying.
Do you know that Indian chick on the Land O' Lakes butter? If you fold her knees up just right on the box [GIGGLES.]
it looks like she's showing her titties.
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER.]
Okay.
Well, I think that's cool, Cisco.
- So, what tribe are you? - I have no idea.
Well, you should find out.
If you're Tilulu, you could own part of the casino.
Really? Is that true? Slow down there, young blood.
There are many tribes in this region.
Do you have any documentation of your lineage or tribal contacts, maybe? No.
Just what my grandma said.
Oh, probably won't fly down at the casino.
Well, they they might be willing to comp him breakfast.
You could do a DNA test.
That would tell you for sure.
No, no, no, no.
I ain't doing that.
What are you scared of? Uh, needles, dude.
[SCOFFS.]
You don't have to give blood.
You just spit in a thing and mail it.
I spit into stuff all the time.
See? And you were scared.
- Have you ever taken a DNA test? - No.
What are you scared of? I'm not scared.
I just never took one.
Well, maybe it's time for you to face some truth, too.
You know, walk the talk and all that.
Okay, how about this How about if you take the test, I'll take the test? - Deal.
- Okay.
Anybody else have something to share? What are you doing? For you, a good answer would be "applying for a job.
" Ha-ha! You're a delight! No, we're helping Cisco with his DNA test.
Yours is all filled out and ready to go.
Yeah, we just need you to spit in this tube, and then we can mail it off.
Yeah, I'm not taking a DNA test.
What? You told Cisco you were gonna do it.
I was just trying to get the kid to do what he wanted to do anyway.
You're a dick.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not a dick.
I'm a friend.
You know, sometimes as a friend, the most ethical thing to do is to lie through your teeth and get him to do what's best for him.
Blah, blah, blah, spit in the thing! No.
Not a chance! Look, I I toured with bands, okay? Rock bands with groupies.
And booze and drugs and groupies.
And I wasn't always so careful.
So why do I want to retrace my steps now? Christ, I could have a grown-ass kid out there somewhere.
Holy shit, man! You keep telling others not to avoid their own truths, and then you turn around and avoid yours.
Yeah.
You're right.
That is what I'm doing.
I got to work on that.
I got to work on facing the truths in my own life.
But not today.
It really doesn't matter to me.
I mean, you guys know I could give two shits about stuff like this, but I've noticed recently that a lot of us have been using pejorative words when describing people different than us, and I just think maybe we should keep an eye on that so no one gets offended.
Personally, I don't give a shit.
What the hell is he even saying? He doesn't want us to call his new girlfriend the "M" word.
The "M" You're the one who used the "M" word.
Oh, that's before I got woke.
Well, how is that on us? Well, I'm just trying to be safe, okay? Louise is coming to pick me up later.
I don't want her to ever hear that word.
Wow! New guy has feelings for someone.
- [ALL CHUCKLING.]
- Ooh! - Hey, I-I'm not interrupting, am I? - Yes, you are.
Okay, good, 'cause I'm a little excited.
Cisco's DNA results just came in.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.
Okay, I'll give it to you.
- Just wait a second.
Hold on.
- Guys, guys, guys! This is not "The Maury Povich Show," okay? - Cisco's gonna want to look at that in private.
- CISCO: Yeah.
Oh, I believe he is gonna want to look at this in private.
Wait a second.
Did you open his mail? - 'Cause that's illegal! - No, no, no, no.
I-I sent in his spit, and I thought I would be able to better support him if it was bad news.
- So I opened it - Bad news? - So I just had a little - What do you mean, dude? Come on, man.
Shoot me straight.
- Am I native American? - Yeah, I Dude, just give him the fucking papers! - Okay, that's - Holy shit! Okay, yes.
31% Native American.
[ALL CHEER.]
Holy shit! Thank you.
- Frame it! - Wow! Shit! That's Wow.
Welcome to the club, brother! Okay, Ben, that's enough.
Let's get back to the meeting, please.
Actually, uh, before we get started, would you mind if we had a little word in private? And, uh, young lady, I think you might want to join us.
[SIGHS.]
All right.
Um, Ed, I don't know what the exact protocol is or what channels I have to go through, but I was wondering how I would get a - One of those blue penis pills.
- Oh.
You know, 'cause I don't know if I have to go to a doctor - or if there's a waiting - Here you go.
Take it a half-hour before you need it.
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
So, what's so fucking important that you had to interrupt the meeting? Uh, Claire has something to tell you.
Yes.
Loudermilk, uh, you were right about tricking Cisco into doing his DNA test.
Okay.
And we hope you feel the same about us tricking you into doing yours.
What are you talking about? Your results, sir.
Very funny.
I didn't give you any spit, remember? True dat, but, uh, Ben got one of your hairs from the shower, and we mailed it in.
- Huh? - BEN: Yeah, yeah, you can do that.
It actually costs a little more to do hair, as opposed to spit, but don't worry.
- It's our treat.
- Mine, but - It's her treat.
- Bullshit.
How do you even know it's mine? It could be anybody's.
Well, you're the only one with short, black, curly hair.
I don't have short, black, curly hair.
Motherfucker! Jesus Christ.
What's it say in here? Do I have a kid or not? Sam Loudermilk, you are not a father! [CHUCKLES.]
'Cause you you said Maury Povich in there.
- Never mind.
- So I don't have a kid.
- No.
- You're sure? - Yes.
- Okay.
Okay, well, I guess that's a That's a That's a good thing to know.
It's a That's an egregious invasion of privacy, but I guess I'm I'm glad you did it.
Okay, cool.
That's great.
We're happy you feel that way.
You have a brother.
What? Are we even sure this is correct? Well, it was your hair, and we we checked all the boxes regarding relatives, so You and your brother Clyde must think alike because so did he.
Uh, it's kind of magical, if you think about it.
Like, you were both looking for each other.
Except I wasn't looking for him, remember? Okay, you know what? What's done is done.
It doesn't change the fact that you do have a brother, and he's right here in Seattle.
I just can't believe this shit that I actually have a brother.
What are you talking about? Your dad was up and down the Western Seaboard for the past 50 years banging anything that moves.
What's so hard to fucking believe? How is this guy in Seattle the whole time and neither of us knew? I mean, I might have walked by him 20 times.
I bet you did.
You should compare notes.
What do you mean, "compare notes"? - I'm not gonna meet him.
- Are you serious? - Fuck, no! - If I had a brother here in town, I know I'd want to meet him.
What if he's, like, an open-carry nut or one of those douchebags who thinks wearing a sombrero to a tequila party is a federal offense? That should be a federal offense.
That's cultural appropriation.
- Oh, for fuck's sake! - Would you wake up, Claire! It's not a religious symbol.
It's a goddamn sun hat! Okay, you know what? Tell you what.
How about this? I'll come with you.
Why are you always try No, I don't want you to come with me! I want you to stay out of my business and stop collecting my fucking pubic hair! Okay, fine! You know what? I'm gonna throw the rest away.
How about that? [SIGHS.]
Okay.
[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE.]
Hi.
Uh, I'm Sam Loudermilk.
I'm here to see Clyde.
Oh.
Right.
Yeah.
Sure, come on in.
Thanks.
[SIGHS.]
So is is he here? Yeah, he is, but he's sleeping.
Sleeping? It's 2:00 2:00 p.
m.
Is he a drinker? It's not a judgment.
I had some issues with the bottle myself, so, uh, it's not surprising that he does, too If If he does.
No, he doesn't.
Okay, good.
That's good.
Are you two married? Um Ju just just wait right there, okay? D-Don't move.
[DOOR SHUTS.]
- [GLASS CLANKS.]
- Hello.
[DOOR SHUTS.]
Wait.
You're Annette? Wow, you you look so familiar.
Yeah, yeah! Take it all! Take it all! Oh, yeah! Take it all! Yeah, yeah! Oh, yeah! No, no, no! Come on! Not here! Sorry, but, uh, someone's sleeping on the couch.
- Dad, please! - Oh, yeah! Oh, fuck! [SIGHS.]
I'm Sam Loudermilk.
You're You and my father, last year, had Hmm.
[SIGHS.]
You met at the restaurant that you worked at, and You're the lobster guy! Uh, anti-lobster guy.
I don't like lobster.
It upsets my stomach.
Yes, you were with your father, and you Mm-hmm.
So, I did everything I could to find out who the daddy was, but, you know, like I said, I was going through kind of a crazy time, and some of the guys I just didn't have their numbers.
And the ones I did have, well, none of them called me back.
Yeah, y-you don't have to explain it to me.
People aren't very forthcoming sometimes.
Right.
That's why I did Clyde's DNA test, which I'm glad I did now because, well, I guess it worked.
I guess so.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Hey, Annette, he's awake.
- Yeah? Oh, okay.
So, if Clyde's father is your father, that makes you Clyde's uncle? Brother.
Oh! Wow! But you're so much older than him.
- PHYLLIS: Somebody's hungry.
- Clyde.
This is your brother, Sam.
[CLYDE COOING.]
NEW GUY: Okay, I-I just never understood this.
Why wouldn't they name the sun? I mean, they don't call our planet "planet.
" No, it's called Earth.
And they name all the other planets, too.
Mars, Jupiter, Venus.
And yet our sun the most important part of our solar system What do they call it? - [LISPING.]
The Sun! - The moon, too, right? - That deserves a name.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
The moon's a dusty piece of shit.
[LAUGHS.]
You sure you don't mind if I drink? Oh, no, no, I like the smell.
And I can, uh, taste it on your lips later back at my place Oh! There's a lot of things we could do [WHISPERING.]
later back at your place.
I'll get the check.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [PHONE RINGING.]
Oh, let me take this.
Hey, Philly! No way.
Yeah, of course! Let's do it! Okay, awesome.
[SWALLOWS.]
That was my friend Philly.
They're gonna meet us here.
Here? But what about all the things I was about to taste back at my place? They have extra tickets to The Shins.
No idea what that means.
It's a band.
They're good.
Don't worry, Hiram.
We're in for a long, fun night.
I got to go to the bathroom.
[WHISPERING.]
Siri, how how long does Viagra last? - Hiram? - [SIRI DINGS.]
- Is everything okay? - Oh, totally good.
- Totally good.
- Here's the answer to your question, "How long does Viagra last?" My Siri has Tourette's.
Why do you need Viagra? I-I don't.
Is it me? Oh, God, no, it's not you.
It's it's it's me.
"It's not you.
It's me"? Is there a bigger cliche? No, thi this isn't what you think it is.
Okay, that's a bigger cliche.
No, no, no.
Louise, look, I like you.
I really like you, and I don't want to disappoint you.
See, when you're over 40 Okay, 50 You just don't know what's happening all the time down there.
You scared? Always.
Well why don't we go out to the car right now and find out what is happening down there? Are you serious? Oh, my God, that's great! That's perfect! Though, you know, 23 minutes from now would be even better.
It still seems nuts to me that I could hook up with a 70-year-old man just one night and this could happen.
Well, it was a hell of a night.
Are you, uh, disappointed in me? No, no.
I-I do think that the both of you could have been a little more careful.
That's how I ended up with my other two.
You have two other kids? Yeah, they're at a sleepover.
Clem's in second grade, and Clarissa's in kindergarten.
I guess I don't always make the best choices when it comes to men.
Yeah, I'd say we're pretty much reading the large print on that one.
But I am ready to do things differently.
I-I want to make a good life for Clyde, which is why I was hoping you could help me find his dad - Your dad.
- Yeah, well, good luck with that.
I mean, I'll give you a number, but trying to find my dad is like trying to find Waldo, if Waldo had his pants down and owed everybody money.
I tried calling his number so many times.
I figured it would be hard to locate him since he told me he was in the FBI.
Wait, no, this says, "Jack Flash Federal Bikini Inspector.
" Oh, I didn't notice that.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's pretty funny.
It looks so official.
[WHISTLES.]
Um, how are you doing this all by yourself? You getting by? Oh, yeah, I'm You know, pretty much.
We have enough for baby food, and I get a shift meal at work.
And most of Clyde's stuff I just get from the Dumptique.
What's that? What's a Dumptique? That's a little shack at the dump where they pull stuff out that's still kind of good.
I find a lot of baby toys there.
That's why I was hoping to get some help from your dad, or, you know, anyone.
Um how much do you need? $5,000.
- Mm.
Hmm.
- I know.
I know.
It's a lot of money, but it would really help me baby-proof this whole place and get some new toys and a safer crib and help pay for the doctor visits, especially the doctor visits, and babysitting, too.
Look, I feel bad.
I do.
But I don't have a lot of money, either.
Oh.
Oh, I Yeah, I understand.
Yeah, it's not your problem.
I know.
It wouldn't be fair to you, so don't even worry about it.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
We'll be fine.
But, uh, hey, it was good to see you again.
And if you ever want to come by and see your baby brother, just just let me know.
Okay.
Okay, look, I I I think I might have some cash stashed away for emergencies or in case of a home invasion, and this probably qualifies as either or both.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sure.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
Hey, there he is! How'd it go? - Did you meet your bro? - Yes, I did! So ? What was he like? Did he look like you? What did he say? Hard to tell if he looks like me, and I did most of the talking.
What's wrong, dude? You look like you've been kicked in the nuts.
Oh, that would have been way better.
Oh, no! Is he a bigger asshole than you? What is it? Is he, like, a political nut? No, didn't talk politics.
Smart.
What did you guys talk about? Nothing.
He's a baby.
You mean like he's selfish? Like a jerk or something? Nope, like an actual baby.
Like a sleeping-in-a-crib, pooping-in-a-diaper baby.
But how is that even fucking possible? Remember when my dad was here and he banged the shit out of that waitress? Well, their little storybook romance bore fruit.
Ohh! The old scumbag made a fucking baby? Holy shit! Does your dad know about this? I don't know.
Like he'd give a shit? Loudermilk.
What what are you gonna do? What am I gonna do? Uh, I'm gonna send her some money and not do anything.
It's not my problem.
Are you comfortable with that? Except for the sending money part.
Okay, you know what? Actually, there's an opportunity here.
How do you figure that? Well, Sam, you're really good at helping people, you know? And I think it's something that you enjoy be because it gives you purpose.
- Not really.
- And as long as I've known you, you've you've always, you know, sort of complained about not having anyone.
Well, now, through a truly weird and creepy set of unwholesome circumstances, you you have someone to live for, you know, that actually needs your help.
And it isn't just some stranger because he's your br He's your baby He's your baby brother, which is super fucked-up.
[SIGHS.]
So, they they finally open up the suggestion box.
There's only one in there "Hal should be less of an asshole.
" [LAUGHTER.]
Hey! What are you doing here? I thought you'd be out on the reservation dealing blackjack with your people or something.
Get this.
I get all the way out there, and they ain't even have a casino.
Fuck 'em.
Like, I don't care what that test says.
All's they do is hunt and fish all day.
That's not me.
I thought I was gonna get out there and be so proud.
Like, how could you not build a friggin' casino? You found your heritage.
The Assiniboine Those are your people.
Your Latino family Those are your people because they are you.
What are you talking about? You have a great spirit within you that has been handed down for many generations from many different people.
You need to embrace them all.
That's easy for you to say, man.
You're full-blooded Tilulu.
Tilulu? From the casino? So you're rich.
I'm an alcoholic.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Money [CLEARS THROAT.]
it doesn't change who you are inside.
Uh, if you're not proud of yourself, of who you are, money means nothing.
[SPITS.]
But I am proud now.
So, yes, I-I am rich.
Yeah, Cloud, but your tribe has everything.
It's not about the tribe.
It's about you, about who you are.
You haven't accepted any part of yourself.
And until you do, happiness will always be a stranger to you.
If you don't love yourself, if you don't love your own blood, no one can love you.
[SEAGULLS CAWING.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
Oh, hey.
I thought you were Phyllis.
She's late.
Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't call.
I-I was just doing some errands, and I thought I'd, uh, stop by and see how Clyde's doing.
Yeah.
Oh, too bad.
I-I just put him down.
He'd have been excited to see you.
Uh, listen, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I-I would really like to be a part of my brother's life if, uh if that's okay with you.
Of course! Oh, that would be nice! Yeah, I You know, I was a little shell-shocked before, but, um, none of this is that baby's fault.
Or anyone's, really.
Well, it's a little bit yours, but, uh, you know, the the truth is, is that Clyde's my family.
You don't turn your back on flesh and blood.
He and I are connected forever.
Yeah, especially when you consider that you were literally there at the moment of his actual conception.
Remember? Yes, that's seared in my brain, along with 9/11 and the space shuttle blowing up.
But, um, you know, in spite of that, I just I I don't want to have that kid growing up with the kin I'm sorry.
What is going on up top here? There's something very different.
- You noticed! - The You got a boob job? Yes! Thanks to you, that money that you gave me almost covered all of it! Are you fucking shitting me? That money was supposed to be for the baby! - These are for the baby! - No.
You said it was for diapers and clothes and doctors and toys that didn't come from the dump, not not plastic boobs.
He's gonna have all those things! God, don't you see? These are an investment.
An in An invest You know what? I have never once heard an accountant say, "Put all your money in fake jugs.
" Never once.
Okay, it's like this.
So, Janine at work She has enormous breasts.
And she always gets twice as many tips as I do.
So one night, I was doing some financial planning, and I thought to myself, "If if I had tits like Janine's, "I could double my income.
" Yes, because I forgot that you went to Harvard Business School.
You you think I'm stupid.
Nope, nope.
There's somebody in this room that's stupid, but it's not you.
This is gonna work! I'll show you! I'll show you! I'll show everyone! A-And you'll be proud of me! [CLYDE CRYING.]
Oh, shit! Clyde's awake! Where is Phyllis? - [SIGHS.]
- [DOOR SHUTS.]
Look, look, I'm sorry, but could you just please sit with the baby until my sitter gets here? What? No.
I don't I'm sure she'll be here any minute.
I really can't wait.
I took a week off for the procedure, and I cannot be late on my first day back.
You don't even know me.
Why would you trust me with him? 'Cause you're his brother.
No, can't can't you just go in there and calm him down or ? If I go in there, he will never go back to sleep.
He'll just be pawing at me, trying to get at my boobs, - just like your dad.
- Oh, good God.
Look, I promise it won't be more than 10 minutes.
He'll calm down if you just sit and talk with him.
Please? [SIGHS.]
You're all I've got.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you! Thank you! Ow! Aah, I can't hug yet.
- I got to go.
- Wait a second.
Wait.
What what do I even say to him? Oh, it doesn't matter.
He's a baby.
Just say anything you want.
Bye.
[CRYING CONTINUES.]
Hey, buddy.
How you doing? Sam Loudermilk.
I'm your, uh, your big brother.
[SIGHS.]
That sounds weird.
Um [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Yeah, I You probably don't remember me.
You were sleeping, but I saw you the other night, and, uh It doesn't matter.
Um Yeah.
Hey, what do you think of your mom's new rack, huh? [CRYING STOPS.]
Yeah! How you doing? Hey, "I decided not to cry.
" [CHUCKLES.]
What's that fuss about, anyway? You, uh You cold or scared or you don't feel safe? Maybe like nobody's listening to you and looking out for you? Like you're all alone in the world and nobody cares? Yeah, me, too.
You'll get used to it.
Come right to my house and took me out Took me out Took me out Took me out Took me out Took me out Took me out Took me out Took me out
I'm just a lip virgin.
- You set me up? - She's a great woman.
Hi.
Dad? What are you doing here? Let's go get some grub.
I'm buying.
If you can't have one glass of wine with your old man, then you've got bigger problems than you know, buddy boy.
Yeah, okay.
Now you're starting to get it.
He's a good kid.
He's just going through some heavy stuff.
Oh.
That's why I came back here, to do what dads do.
There, there.
Let it all out.
- Daddy's here.
- [SOBBING.]
Mm-hmm.
[HORN HONKS.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Hey! Thomas the Tank Engine, you want to keep that cloud of poison to yourself? Uh, no worries, man.
It's just water.
Oh, just water? That's toxins, okay? That's propylene and arsenic and lead.
Saddam Hussein had fewer chemicals than that, and we bombed his whole country and strung him up like a piñata.
What do you care? I care because you're blowing it all over me! And this shit affects all of us.
Look at this poor son of a bitch.
He probably looked like George Clooney before you crop-dusted him.
Hey.
Leave me out of this.
Buddy, I'm trying to help you out.
How? By pointing out I look like shit? You think I don't know that? I own a fucking mirror, pal.
Yeah, all right.
Y-You look pretty good for your age, actually.
But this guy's in real trouble, okay? That nicotine there That that That's more addictive than heroin.
Do you know that? And do you want to talk about vaping? You ever heard of "popcorn lung"? No.
It comes in popcorn flavor, though.
You're killing yourself, and you look pretty stupid doing it.
You look like the the "Quittin' Time" whistle at the dipshit factory, huh? You look like Kurt Cobain if he lived in a lamp and worked for Aladdin.
Is that that the look you're going for? Aladdin's Genie? [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
- [COUGHING.]
- [BUS DOORS OPEN.]
[BRAKES HISS.]
[COUGHS.]
Huh.
I guess I should have asked for three wishes.
I did.
But the wrong guy disappeared.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
Lately, I've been feeling angry.
Men don't listen to me.
It's crazy.
But as a woman, I am labeled as "weak," "emotional," or "needy," and yet in every relationship I've ever had, I am the strong one.
I'll never understand that.
Y-You know what? You know what I don't understand? How come every time I'm at a urinal Every time The guy next to me just rips out this huge, loud fart while he's pissing? Really? I'm over here opening up about being a woman I mean, really sharing with you guys, and you segue it into a story about farts? Ooh! Ooh! Miss Big Words.
"Segue into farts.
" Hold on a second, Mugsy.
I think what Claire's trying to say here is that women can fart, too, and pretend that nothing happened.
- I mean, hmm? - LOUDERMILK: Okay.
- Whatever.
- As scintillating as this conversation is, does anybody have something on their mind that's a little relevant? I got something.
Go ahead, Cisco.
Have you ever believed something, like, your whole life and then find out it's not true, like, family kind of stuff? You mean, like, when you tell your little brother that he's been adopted his whole life, but he really isn't? Don't even Just go ahead.
I've always thought I was Latino, you know, really saw that as my identity.
But now my grandmother tells me that we're part Native American.
I don't know, man.
Grandmas say shit like that all the time.
My grandma told me I was part Chinese.
But what if this is true? Like, that could really change things for me, right, Cloud? Like, do I have to start going to rain dances and stuff? Oh, sun dances and powwows are more common.
Just saying.
Do you know that Indian chick on the Land O' Lakes butter? If you fold her knees up just right on the box [GIGGLES.]
it looks like she's showing her titties.
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER.]
Okay.
Well, I think that's cool, Cisco.
- So, what tribe are you? - I have no idea.
Well, you should find out.
If you're Tilulu, you could own part of the casino.
Really? Is that true? Slow down there, young blood.
There are many tribes in this region.
Do you have any documentation of your lineage or tribal contacts, maybe? No.
Just what my grandma said.
Oh, probably won't fly down at the casino.
Well, they they might be willing to comp him breakfast.
You could do a DNA test.
That would tell you for sure.
No, no, no, no.
I ain't doing that.
What are you scared of? Uh, needles, dude.
[SCOFFS.]
You don't have to give blood.
You just spit in a thing and mail it.
I spit into stuff all the time.
See? And you were scared.
- Have you ever taken a DNA test? - No.
What are you scared of? I'm not scared.
I just never took one.
Well, maybe it's time for you to face some truth, too.
You know, walk the talk and all that.
Okay, how about this How about if you take the test, I'll take the test? - Deal.
- Okay.
Anybody else have something to share? What are you doing? For you, a good answer would be "applying for a job.
" Ha-ha! You're a delight! No, we're helping Cisco with his DNA test.
Yours is all filled out and ready to go.
Yeah, we just need you to spit in this tube, and then we can mail it off.
Yeah, I'm not taking a DNA test.
What? You told Cisco you were gonna do it.
I was just trying to get the kid to do what he wanted to do anyway.
You're a dick.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not a dick.
I'm a friend.
You know, sometimes as a friend, the most ethical thing to do is to lie through your teeth and get him to do what's best for him.
Blah, blah, blah, spit in the thing! No.
Not a chance! Look, I I toured with bands, okay? Rock bands with groupies.
And booze and drugs and groupies.
And I wasn't always so careful.
So why do I want to retrace my steps now? Christ, I could have a grown-ass kid out there somewhere.
Holy shit, man! You keep telling others not to avoid their own truths, and then you turn around and avoid yours.
Yeah.
You're right.
That is what I'm doing.
I got to work on that.
I got to work on facing the truths in my own life.
But not today.
It really doesn't matter to me.
I mean, you guys know I could give two shits about stuff like this, but I've noticed recently that a lot of us have been using pejorative words when describing people different than us, and I just think maybe we should keep an eye on that so no one gets offended.
Personally, I don't give a shit.
What the hell is he even saying? He doesn't want us to call his new girlfriend the "M" word.
The "M" You're the one who used the "M" word.
Oh, that's before I got woke.
Well, how is that on us? Well, I'm just trying to be safe, okay? Louise is coming to pick me up later.
I don't want her to ever hear that word.
Wow! New guy has feelings for someone.
- [ALL CHUCKLING.]
- Ooh! - Hey, I-I'm not interrupting, am I? - Yes, you are.
Okay, good, 'cause I'm a little excited.
Cisco's DNA results just came in.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.
Okay, I'll give it to you.
- Just wait a second.
Hold on.
- Guys, guys, guys! This is not "The Maury Povich Show," okay? - Cisco's gonna want to look at that in private.
- CISCO: Yeah.
Oh, I believe he is gonna want to look at this in private.
Wait a second.
Did you open his mail? - 'Cause that's illegal! - No, no, no, no.
I-I sent in his spit, and I thought I would be able to better support him if it was bad news.
- So I opened it - Bad news? - So I just had a little - What do you mean, dude? Come on, man.
Shoot me straight.
- Am I native American? - Yeah, I Dude, just give him the fucking papers! - Okay, that's - Holy shit! Okay, yes.
31% Native American.
[ALL CHEER.]
Holy shit! Thank you.
- Frame it! - Wow! Shit! That's Wow.
Welcome to the club, brother! Okay, Ben, that's enough.
Let's get back to the meeting, please.
Actually, uh, before we get started, would you mind if we had a little word in private? And, uh, young lady, I think you might want to join us.
[SIGHS.]
All right.
Um, Ed, I don't know what the exact protocol is or what channels I have to go through, but I was wondering how I would get a - One of those blue penis pills.
- Oh.
You know, 'cause I don't know if I have to go to a doctor - or if there's a waiting - Here you go.
Take it a half-hour before you need it.
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
So, what's so fucking important that you had to interrupt the meeting? Uh, Claire has something to tell you.
Yes.
Loudermilk, uh, you were right about tricking Cisco into doing his DNA test.
Okay.
And we hope you feel the same about us tricking you into doing yours.
What are you talking about? Your results, sir.
Very funny.
I didn't give you any spit, remember? True dat, but, uh, Ben got one of your hairs from the shower, and we mailed it in.
- Huh? - BEN: Yeah, yeah, you can do that.
It actually costs a little more to do hair, as opposed to spit, but don't worry.
- It's our treat.
- Mine, but - It's her treat.
- Bullshit.
How do you even know it's mine? It could be anybody's.
Well, you're the only one with short, black, curly hair.
I don't have short, black, curly hair.
Motherfucker! Jesus Christ.
What's it say in here? Do I have a kid or not? Sam Loudermilk, you are not a father! [CHUCKLES.]
'Cause you you said Maury Povich in there.
- Never mind.
- So I don't have a kid.
- No.
- You're sure? - Yes.
- Okay.
Okay, well, I guess that's a That's a That's a good thing to know.
It's a That's an egregious invasion of privacy, but I guess I'm I'm glad you did it.
Okay, cool.
That's great.
We're happy you feel that way.
You have a brother.
What? Are we even sure this is correct? Well, it was your hair, and we we checked all the boxes regarding relatives, so You and your brother Clyde must think alike because so did he.
Uh, it's kind of magical, if you think about it.
Like, you were both looking for each other.
Except I wasn't looking for him, remember? Okay, you know what? What's done is done.
It doesn't change the fact that you do have a brother, and he's right here in Seattle.
I just can't believe this shit that I actually have a brother.
What are you talking about? Your dad was up and down the Western Seaboard for the past 50 years banging anything that moves.
What's so hard to fucking believe? How is this guy in Seattle the whole time and neither of us knew? I mean, I might have walked by him 20 times.
I bet you did.
You should compare notes.
What do you mean, "compare notes"? - I'm not gonna meet him.
- Are you serious? - Fuck, no! - If I had a brother here in town, I know I'd want to meet him.
What if he's, like, an open-carry nut or one of those douchebags who thinks wearing a sombrero to a tequila party is a federal offense? That should be a federal offense.
That's cultural appropriation.
- Oh, for fuck's sake! - Would you wake up, Claire! It's not a religious symbol.
It's a goddamn sun hat! Okay, you know what? Tell you what.
How about this? I'll come with you.
Why are you always try No, I don't want you to come with me! I want you to stay out of my business and stop collecting my fucking pubic hair! Okay, fine! You know what? I'm gonna throw the rest away.
How about that? [SIGHS.]
Okay.
[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE.]
Hi.
Uh, I'm Sam Loudermilk.
I'm here to see Clyde.
Oh.
Right.
Yeah.
Sure, come on in.
Thanks.
[SIGHS.]
So is is he here? Yeah, he is, but he's sleeping.
Sleeping? It's 2:00 2:00 p.
m.
Is he a drinker? It's not a judgment.
I had some issues with the bottle myself, so, uh, it's not surprising that he does, too If If he does.
No, he doesn't.
Okay, good.
That's good.
Are you two married? Um Ju just just wait right there, okay? D-Don't move.
[DOOR SHUTS.]
- [GLASS CLANKS.]
- Hello.
[DOOR SHUTS.]
Wait.
You're Annette? Wow, you you look so familiar.
Yeah, yeah! Take it all! Take it all! Oh, yeah! Take it all! Yeah, yeah! Oh, yeah! No, no, no! Come on! Not here! Sorry, but, uh, someone's sleeping on the couch.
- Dad, please! - Oh, yeah! Oh, fuck! [SIGHS.]
I'm Sam Loudermilk.
You're You and my father, last year, had Hmm.
[SIGHS.]
You met at the restaurant that you worked at, and You're the lobster guy! Uh, anti-lobster guy.
I don't like lobster.
It upsets my stomach.
Yes, you were with your father, and you Mm-hmm.
So, I did everything I could to find out who the daddy was, but, you know, like I said, I was going through kind of a crazy time, and some of the guys I just didn't have their numbers.
And the ones I did have, well, none of them called me back.
Yeah, y-you don't have to explain it to me.
People aren't very forthcoming sometimes.
Right.
That's why I did Clyde's DNA test, which I'm glad I did now because, well, I guess it worked.
I guess so.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Hey, Annette, he's awake.
- Yeah? Oh, okay.
So, if Clyde's father is your father, that makes you Clyde's uncle? Brother.
Oh! Wow! But you're so much older than him.
- PHYLLIS: Somebody's hungry.
- Clyde.
This is your brother, Sam.
[CLYDE COOING.]
NEW GUY: Okay, I-I just never understood this.
Why wouldn't they name the sun? I mean, they don't call our planet "planet.
" No, it's called Earth.
And they name all the other planets, too.
Mars, Jupiter, Venus.
And yet our sun the most important part of our solar system What do they call it? - [LISPING.]
The Sun! - The moon, too, right? - That deserves a name.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
The moon's a dusty piece of shit.
[LAUGHS.]
You sure you don't mind if I drink? Oh, no, no, I like the smell.
And I can, uh, taste it on your lips later back at my place Oh! There's a lot of things we could do [WHISPERING.]
later back at your place.
I'll get the check.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [PHONE RINGING.]
Oh, let me take this.
Hey, Philly! No way.
Yeah, of course! Let's do it! Okay, awesome.
[SWALLOWS.]
That was my friend Philly.
They're gonna meet us here.
Here? But what about all the things I was about to taste back at my place? They have extra tickets to The Shins.
No idea what that means.
It's a band.
They're good.
Don't worry, Hiram.
We're in for a long, fun night.
I got to go to the bathroom.
[WHISPERING.]
Siri, how how long does Viagra last? - Hiram? - [SIRI DINGS.]
- Is everything okay? - Oh, totally good.
- Totally good.
- Here's the answer to your question, "How long does Viagra last?" My Siri has Tourette's.
Why do you need Viagra? I-I don't.
Is it me? Oh, God, no, it's not you.
It's it's it's me.
"It's not you.
It's me"? Is there a bigger cliche? No, thi this isn't what you think it is.
Okay, that's a bigger cliche.
No, no, no.
Louise, look, I like you.
I really like you, and I don't want to disappoint you.
See, when you're over 40 Okay, 50 You just don't know what's happening all the time down there.
You scared? Always.
Well why don't we go out to the car right now and find out what is happening down there? Are you serious? Oh, my God, that's great! That's perfect! Though, you know, 23 minutes from now would be even better.
It still seems nuts to me that I could hook up with a 70-year-old man just one night and this could happen.
Well, it was a hell of a night.
Are you, uh, disappointed in me? No, no.
I-I do think that the both of you could have been a little more careful.
That's how I ended up with my other two.
You have two other kids? Yeah, they're at a sleepover.
Clem's in second grade, and Clarissa's in kindergarten.
I guess I don't always make the best choices when it comes to men.
Yeah, I'd say we're pretty much reading the large print on that one.
But I am ready to do things differently.
I-I want to make a good life for Clyde, which is why I was hoping you could help me find his dad - Your dad.
- Yeah, well, good luck with that.
I mean, I'll give you a number, but trying to find my dad is like trying to find Waldo, if Waldo had his pants down and owed everybody money.
I tried calling his number so many times.
I figured it would be hard to locate him since he told me he was in the FBI.
Wait, no, this says, "Jack Flash Federal Bikini Inspector.
" Oh, I didn't notice that.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's pretty funny.
It looks so official.
[WHISTLES.]
Um, how are you doing this all by yourself? You getting by? Oh, yeah, I'm You know, pretty much.
We have enough for baby food, and I get a shift meal at work.
And most of Clyde's stuff I just get from the Dumptique.
What's that? What's a Dumptique? That's a little shack at the dump where they pull stuff out that's still kind of good.
I find a lot of baby toys there.
That's why I was hoping to get some help from your dad, or, you know, anyone.
Um how much do you need? $5,000.
- Mm.
Hmm.
- I know.
I know.
It's a lot of money, but it would really help me baby-proof this whole place and get some new toys and a safer crib and help pay for the doctor visits, especially the doctor visits, and babysitting, too.
Look, I feel bad.
I do.
But I don't have a lot of money, either.
Oh.
Oh, I Yeah, I understand.
Yeah, it's not your problem.
I know.
It wouldn't be fair to you, so don't even worry about it.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
We'll be fine.
But, uh, hey, it was good to see you again.
And if you ever want to come by and see your baby brother, just just let me know.
Okay.
Okay, look, I I I think I might have some cash stashed away for emergencies or in case of a home invasion, and this probably qualifies as either or both.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sure.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
Hey, there he is! How'd it go? - Did you meet your bro? - Yes, I did! So ? What was he like? Did he look like you? What did he say? Hard to tell if he looks like me, and I did most of the talking.
What's wrong, dude? You look like you've been kicked in the nuts.
Oh, that would have been way better.
Oh, no! Is he a bigger asshole than you? What is it? Is he, like, a political nut? No, didn't talk politics.
Smart.
What did you guys talk about? Nothing.
He's a baby.
You mean like he's selfish? Like a jerk or something? Nope, like an actual baby.
Like a sleeping-in-a-crib, pooping-in-a-diaper baby.
But how is that even fucking possible? Remember when my dad was here and he banged the shit out of that waitress? Well, their little storybook romance bore fruit.
Ohh! The old scumbag made a fucking baby? Holy shit! Does your dad know about this? I don't know.
Like he'd give a shit? Loudermilk.
What what are you gonna do? What am I gonna do? Uh, I'm gonna send her some money and not do anything.
It's not my problem.
Are you comfortable with that? Except for the sending money part.
Okay, you know what? Actually, there's an opportunity here.
How do you figure that? Well, Sam, you're really good at helping people, you know? And I think it's something that you enjoy be because it gives you purpose.
- Not really.
- And as long as I've known you, you've you've always, you know, sort of complained about not having anyone.
Well, now, through a truly weird and creepy set of unwholesome circumstances, you you have someone to live for, you know, that actually needs your help.
And it isn't just some stranger because he's your br He's your baby He's your baby brother, which is super fucked-up.
[SIGHS.]
So, they they finally open up the suggestion box.
There's only one in there "Hal should be less of an asshole.
" [LAUGHTER.]
Hey! What are you doing here? I thought you'd be out on the reservation dealing blackjack with your people or something.
Get this.
I get all the way out there, and they ain't even have a casino.
Fuck 'em.
Like, I don't care what that test says.
All's they do is hunt and fish all day.
That's not me.
I thought I was gonna get out there and be so proud.
Like, how could you not build a friggin' casino? You found your heritage.
The Assiniboine Those are your people.
Your Latino family Those are your people because they are you.
What are you talking about? You have a great spirit within you that has been handed down for many generations from many different people.
You need to embrace them all.
That's easy for you to say, man.
You're full-blooded Tilulu.
Tilulu? From the casino? So you're rich.
I'm an alcoholic.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Money [CLEARS THROAT.]
it doesn't change who you are inside.
Uh, if you're not proud of yourself, of who you are, money means nothing.
[SPITS.]
But I am proud now.
So, yes, I-I am rich.
Yeah, Cloud, but your tribe has everything.
It's not about the tribe.
It's about you, about who you are.
You haven't accepted any part of yourself.
And until you do, happiness will always be a stranger to you.
If you don't love yourself, if you don't love your own blood, no one can love you.
[SEAGULLS CAWING.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
Oh, hey.
I thought you were Phyllis.
She's late.
Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't call.
I-I was just doing some errands, and I thought I'd, uh, stop by and see how Clyde's doing.
Yeah.
Oh, too bad.
I-I just put him down.
He'd have been excited to see you.
Uh, listen, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I-I would really like to be a part of my brother's life if, uh if that's okay with you.
Of course! Oh, that would be nice! Yeah, I You know, I was a little shell-shocked before, but, um, none of this is that baby's fault.
Or anyone's, really.
Well, it's a little bit yours, but, uh, you know, the the truth is, is that Clyde's my family.
You don't turn your back on flesh and blood.
He and I are connected forever.
Yeah, especially when you consider that you were literally there at the moment of his actual conception.
Remember? Yes, that's seared in my brain, along with 9/11 and the space shuttle blowing up.
But, um, you know, in spite of that, I just I I don't want to have that kid growing up with the kin I'm sorry.
What is going on up top here? There's something very different.
- You noticed! - The You got a boob job? Yes! Thanks to you, that money that you gave me almost covered all of it! Are you fucking shitting me? That money was supposed to be for the baby! - These are for the baby! - No.
You said it was for diapers and clothes and doctors and toys that didn't come from the dump, not not plastic boobs.
He's gonna have all those things! God, don't you see? These are an investment.
An in An invest You know what? I have never once heard an accountant say, "Put all your money in fake jugs.
" Never once.
Okay, it's like this.
So, Janine at work She has enormous breasts.
And she always gets twice as many tips as I do.
So one night, I was doing some financial planning, and I thought to myself, "If if I had tits like Janine's, "I could double my income.
" Yes, because I forgot that you went to Harvard Business School.
You you think I'm stupid.
Nope, nope.
There's somebody in this room that's stupid, but it's not you.
This is gonna work! I'll show you! I'll show you! I'll show everyone! A-And you'll be proud of me! [CLYDE CRYING.]
Oh, shit! Clyde's awake! Where is Phyllis? - [SIGHS.]
- [DOOR SHUTS.]
Look, look, I'm sorry, but could you just please sit with the baby until my sitter gets here? What? No.
I don't I'm sure she'll be here any minute.
I really can't wait.
I took a week off for the procedure, and I cannot be late on my first day back.
You don't even know me.
Why would you trust me with him? 'Cause you're his brother.
No, can't can't you just go in there and calm him down or ? If I go in there, he will never go back to sleep.
He'll just be pawing at me, trying to get at my boobs, - just like your dad.
- Oh, good God.
Look, I promise it won't be more than 10 minutes.
He'll calm down if you just sit and talk with him.
Please? [SIGHS.]
You're all I've got.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you! Thank you! Ow! Aah, I can't hug yet.
- I got to go.
- Wait a second.
Wait.
What what do I even say to him? Oh, it doesn't matter.
He's a baby.
Just say anything you want.
Bye.
[CRYING CONTINUES.]
Hey, buddy.
How you doing? Sam Loudermilk.
I'm your, uh, your big brother.
[SIGHS.]
That sounds weird.
Um [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Yeah, I You probably don't remember me.
You were sleeping, but I saw you the other night, and, uh It doesn't matter.
Um Yeah.
Hey, what do you think of your mom's new rack, huh? [CRYING STOPS.]
Yeah! How you doing? Hey, "I decided not to cry.
" [CHUCKLES.]
What's that fuss about, anyway? You, uh You cold or scared or you don't feel safe? Maybe like nobody's listening to you and looking out for you? Like you're all alone in the world and nobody cares? Yeah, me, too.
You'll get used to it.
Come right to my house and took me out Took me out Took me out Took me out Took me out Took me out Took me out Took me out Took me out