Love (2016) s03e12 Episode Script
Catalina
1 You watch.
You fucking watch.
It'll happen again.
You'll break up with me.
Then you'll change your mind and you'll come running back.
So, let's just skip that part and stay together.
I'm sorry.
I know that that was very hurtful, and I'm never gonna do that to you ever again.
You don't have to be so sure about it.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm trying to say that we should Randy, I wanna do this in the kindest way possible because you are a very special person, and I wouldn't wanna lose you as a friend.
So we'll still be friends? Sure.
That's all I needed to hear, Bertie Bear.
And then maybe after some time passes, we'll realize that maybe we do belong together.
- I don't think so.
- Oh! Well, fuck off then! I just don't want things to be weird when we run into each other.
Oh, well guess what.
It will be weird.
It will be weird as fuck! And I just wanna ask you if I can please tell people that this was a mutual breakup.
You can tell people you broke up with me if you want.
I'll go along with it.
No, it's gotta be mutual.
Okay, it's mutual.
I'm slamming the f door.
[BERTIE.]
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING.]
Do you think I should hold the broom, like, sexy, or Oh, God, every single photo shoot, someone's like, "Ooh, you know what? Maybe she'll hold a broom.
" As if they're the first to ever think of that.
[PHOTOGRAPHER.]
Remember, you're witches.
Grab the broom and lean back.
- You know what? Hey.
- [PHOTOGRAPHER.]
Yeah? Can you get some of just her by herself? - Yeah, no problem.
- Thank you.
Obvious phallic symbol.
It's in the goddamn Wiccan! - Cruikshank.
Hey.
- Hey.
Uh What were you thinking? What do you mean? Putting Arya in your movie.
Oh! - Look, I'm sorry.
I just - Mm-hmm.
I thought that was one of those, you know, don't ask permission, beg for forgiveness kind of things.
- Well, uh, I got curious - Uh-huh.
so I made Wyatt get a copy of your script, so we could read it and make fun of it.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, thanks.
Yeah.
So we read it, and, uh, it was good.
I'm not saying it was great.
I'm not, 'cause it wasn't, okay? But, uh, there was some real talent there.
Well, that's nice to hear.
I mean, it's funny, 'cause when I first came up with the idea, I was like, "Ooh, this is one of those ideas.
" Stop talking.
You're saying too many words.
- Okay.
- Okay? So, um, the network has asked me to create a new show, so I am developing a pilot now.
It's a political thriller that takes place on a space colony.
- Very cool, very cool.
- Yeah.
And I'm putting together a staff of writers now to help me and when the show gets picked up, they'll be the staff.
- Huh.
- I think you're right for the job.
- No shit? Really? - No shit.
Yeah.
You know, there's all this sci-fi stuff, and I'm just gonna, you know, take a big leap here and guess you have some familiarity with that? Susan, just 'cause I have glasses and I dress a certain way doesn't mean I'm into science fiction, but of course I'm into science fiction, yes! So, do you want the job? Yes, please.
Oh, my God.
A thousand times yes, yes, yes.
And you're gonna behave yourself this time? - Definitely.
- None of this, like, throwing laptops around the fucking writers' room bullshit? Those laptop throwing days are behind me.
- Are you sure? - I promise, yes.
- Okay.
- Thank you, Susan.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Sorry I hugged you there.
Was that wrong? No, it was appropriate.
Oh, Gus, come on in! - Hi.
- To what do I owe this pleasure? I don't know.
I just thought I'd come in and say hello, see how you were doing.
You maybe, uh, wanna go get some lunch? It's 10:00 a.
m.
- Brunch? - [SNORTS.]
- Do a brunch-type thing? - Yeah, that's so sweet.
I have to finish this.
Oh, sure, yeah.
No, don't let me stop you.
- Do what you have to do.
- Wait! Is this Gus Cruikshank, boy legend? [GIGGLES.]
Is this Stella Emmett, whose show I love so much, even though it makes me feel very weird sometimes? - Well, then I'm doing my job.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yay! You two meet, finally.
Mickey talks about you so much, I feel like I already know you.
Aw I'm sure it's all good things, yes? Duh.
Stella, how many times have I said, "Sometimes I just think Gus' penis is too big"? Like, every day since I met you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, now you know.
My penis must be fairly big because, otherwise, that would be a rude thing to Or at least average.
Never mind.
I'm gonna shut up.
Just can I watch? - Yeah, just stop talking.
Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh, my God.
Are you serious? Yeah, we start writing next month.
- Sweetie, congratulations.
- Oh, thank you.
I mean, thank you for everything.
I mean, I couldn't I couldn't have done this without you.
Thank you, too.
You know? I never gave a shit about work before I met you.
You really bring out the best in me.
Yeah, you bring out the best in me, too.
Taught me how to kick ass.
You taught me how to kiss it.
Look at us, killing it in every aspect of our life.
I feel like the universe is rewarding us for getting our shit together.
You know, I actually think that's, like, true.
This might sound weird, but I feel like in South Dakota, we cracked the code, like, the code to our relationship.
Yes, exactly.
The code.
I know what you mean.
We know the code exactly, yeah.
As long as we're open with each other and we're real with each other, we're gonna be okay.
All we have to do It's so easy.
We just go like, "Hey, I feel this way inside.
- I'm gonna tell Mickey.
" - Yeah.
You feel something.
You tell me.
And we're there for each other, and we can work through anything.
Yeah.
It's so sad how, like, other couples and other people in relationships, they feel like they can't, like, share who they are.
And I just know, like, you're not gonna think I'm lame.
- No.
- I don't even know what we would fight about.
- What would we fight about? - I would try to think, I'd go like, "What couldn't we work through?" And it's like nothing.
We could work through anything.
I know that's gonna be true in a year.
- Mm-hmm.
- In, like, five years.
In 40 years.
Exactly, and I'm like, "If I know I'm gonna feel this 40 years from now, why wouldn't I just And why wouldn't we just " - What? Come on, say it.
- No, no, no.
- What? Come on.
- I gotta keep my mouth shut about this.
- Say it.
Say it.
- You don't wanna hear it.
I know I've already proposed once before in my life, but if I was gonna propose to you, I I'd want you to know I meant it for real.
Okay? I'd want it to happen right away.
What do you mean right away? Like, run off and elope? Maybe.
[BERTIE.]
Gah! Oh, my God! Aren't you freaking out? I mean, it's exciting, right? This is Wow! Wait, where is this happening? How? When? What the fuck? We're going to Catalina Island and having a quickie wedding on the beach.
The beach.
Beautiful.
You can get a justice of the peace the same day.
We talked to her on the way over here.
Yeah.
Her name's Terry.
She seems really nice.
- Terry.
Perfect.
- [MICKEY.]
Yep.
She's gonna meet us on the beach near our hotel around six-ish and marry us.
- She's licensed and everything.
- Wow.
- Catalina.
What a beautiful place.
- Have you been there? Never, but when people talk about Catalina, I always think, "That sounds very nice.
And I'd like to go there some day.
" Do you wanna come with us? 'Cause we need a witness.
Yeah, Terry was gonna, like, provide somebody for us, but You're way better than some weirdo stranger.
Bertie, do you wanna be our witness? That would be incredible.
Me? Be your witness? How humbling.
Is it warm there? Should I pack my swimmers? I'm gonna pack 'em anyway.
This is very exciting! [SHOUTS.]
Do you wanna tell anybody else? You wanna call our parents or Is it okay if we don't? It's just, with my dad, it'll be this whole big thing and my mom, uh, she won't be into it.
But I thought you and your mom got along, right? Oh, we do.
Yeah, she's the best.
I just don't want her to bum me out with her reasonable thoughts.
Right, right, right, right, right.
You think she's got a point, or you think this is impulsive? Or She'd say I'm being impulsive, but maybe being impulsive is just me following my instincts.
I wanna listen to my inner voice and act fast before the little damaged voices talk me out of it.
Hey, Gus, would you maybe wanna bring a buddy along? Oh, that could be fun! Like a maid of honor, best man-type thing.
Yeah, sure, that's good.
I guess I'll ask Randy.
No.
Don't.
Um We broke up.
- Really? - Whoa! It was mutual, or that's what I'm supposed to say.
Aw, that's too bad.
It was for the best, obviously.
Uh, I guess, then, um I'll ask Chris? [CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY.]
Great.
I Okay.
Uh, well, I should probably give you a little heads-up on that, and that is Chris and I are Well, something's happening between us.
[GUS.]
Really? Wow.
Okay.
Yeah.
I mean, we have a very special connection, and we always have, so once Randy and I had split up, that's when we took the next step.
But nothing happened before that, or whatever.
Yeah, I'm psyched for you two.
That's awesome.
Uh What a weird day.
[CHUCKLES.]
- What a big, weird day this is.
Yeah.
- It's so weird.
Yeah.
Well, why do we have to stop there? We just invite everyone.
Send out a mass group text and see who shows up.
Right.
I mean, we're eloping.
We can do whatever the fuck we want.
- That's the whole point.
- Yeah, all right.
Let's just get married the way we want to.
If people come, that's great.
If they don't - They're dead to us forever.
- [CHUCKLES.]
"Psst! Gus and Mickey eloping.
" I'm transcribing this.
- "If you wanna come to Catalina - Mm-hmm.
- join us.
" - Yes.
- "No one's invited.
" - Yeah.
"No one's not invited.
" I was born a unicorn I missed the ark, but I could've sworn You'd wait for me I was born a unicorn I could've sworn you believed in me Then how come all the other Unicorns are dead? [BERTIE.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
[GROANING.]
[GROANING CONTINUES.]
Yes.
Sorry, I'll keep it down.
Oh, no, it's all good.
I'm so happy right now.
Good, good.
I'm very happy for you.
And it's nice we get to do some cool shit before everyone trickles in.
Yeah, I love cool shit.
Wow! What a whirlwind, right? You must be feeling, like, scared, or do you feel like this is a bit fast maybe? Do you feel like it's a bit fast? Honestly? Yes.
Yeah, this feels a little fast.
Just a little bit too fast.
Like, if the speed limit was 65, you'd be going - 70.
- Or 80.
85.
Hovering around 85, maybe.
I don't know.
I'm sorry.
I just wanted to check in to see if you're okay.
No, I appreciate it.
I understand why you'd ask.
I guess I just don't understand how all this SLAA stuff works.
I mean, yeah, it's not ideal, but I think since we're both aware Look at you and Chris.
You know, if the speed limit is 65, you're on, like, a rocket ship.
I guess it's like a chemical attraction thing.
Mmm.
Hey, so, uh, you nervous? Oh, yeah, I mean, big time.
Yeah? About this or the wedding? - No, your wedding.
- Oh, my wedding! No! I feel great.
- Yeah? - Yeah, so good.
Dude, I'm so fucking psyched for you, man.
You have no idea.
I'm psyched for me, too.
I just got this feeling of excitement and relief and happiness.
Dude, those're the emotions you want, man.
That's the good shit.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's - [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Hey, um Bertie and I had sex, um, and it was while her and Randy were still together.
What? We're just, you know, in the spirit of being open and honest, you know, I just it's kinda been weighing on me, and I kinda wanna just, like, you know, put it out there.
- It's kinda making me feel like shit.
- Oh, yeah, man.
Don't worry.
I'm I'm not gonna judge you or anything.
- Yeah? - The heart wants what it wants.
You know? And we're just tapping into all the world's love.
Actually, also, in college, I had sex with this girl who I later found out I was, like, loosely related to.
Um Like, not first cousin or anything, but, like, in the ancestry.
- Oh, yeah, whatever.
It's cool.
Yeah.
- Yeah? [CHUCKLES.]
Whoo-hoo! Whoa! Okay! Here we go! [MICKEY.]
So, you don't think it's too fast? - No, I think it's romantic.
- That's what I think.
You really wanna know if it's right, my therapist had these three questions about whether you should get married or not.
Oh, three questions.
What are they? That's cool.
It sounds like a fairy tale.
- Okay, hit me.
- Okay.
Number one: Do you have fun hanging out with him when there's nothing else to do? 100%.
We're still finding things that we have in common.
It's great.
Right.
There's still quite a bit of fighting though, right? Yeah, but I think that's a byproduct of the passion that we have for each other.
- Yeah, I get that.
That makes sense.
- Yep.
That's one perspective.
[SYD.]
Oh, my God.
This is fucking beautiful.
[MICKEY.]
Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
- So, what was the second question? - Okay.
Number two and this is a big one: Do you respect each other? Not just, like, holding the door open, but deep respect.
Oh, yeah, I mean, I respect him, and I don't think I would've been his favorite person two years ago, but yes.
Yeah.
So, that's a yes with an asterisk.
Okay, number three: You don't have to answer this Do you have a good sex life? Ha! Yeah, it's hard not to less than a year in, so we'll see.
You never know.
Jeff and I have been married for 12 years.
He still goes down on me.
Thank the Lord.
That's awesome.
Yes, that's a very exciting update on Syd's marriage, but Mickey, like you said, it's very hard to tell on the sex thing this early on.
Yeah, but it's unreal, so I think we're gonna be fine.
There you go.
That's it.
That's three yeses.
- Yes.
- Mmm.
Gus, I'm not saying don't do it.
All I'm saying is that being a bachelor is, like, the pinnacle of existence.
You know, I just I think I'm one of those guys who's programmed to be in a monogamous relationship.
- I'm not gonna miss my single days.
- If you say so.
I mean, this whole thing is a joke anyway, right, Gus? It's a joke.
There's no way you guys are getting married this soon.
No, we are.
It's not a joke.
No, no, not like a joke-joke, but like a prank, like a fuck you, like a performance art piece or something.
Hey, Gus, imagine, you're single.
You come home from work, you take off your socks, throw 'em on the floor.
You take a crap.
Maybe forget to flush the toilet.
Toast a bagel.
Put a little butter on there.
Freedom's nice.
I get what you're saying, but Or maybe spread some cream cheese on there.
Do a bong hit.
Put on a Willie Nelson album.
Why not? It's your life.
You know, that might just be a trade-off I'm willing to make.
Plus, you guys don't know the alternative.
Are you kidding me? We got five divorces between the two of us.
Loverboy's got two.
I got the hat trick.
- Love is a battlefield.
- [GRUNTS.]
I really think it's funny, Gus.
Getting everyone on an island like this.
I'm really beginning to see it.
Not a prank, buddy.
Not a prank.
Wow! Mickey, you look - I mean, you look beautiful.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
Inside and out.
You know, I like all of your sides, so I love all your sides, too.
- Stop looking at me.
It's bad luck.
- What? - Oh, shit.
Sorry.
I didn't even know.
- Goodbye.
- Are you Terry? - I am.
- Hi.
I recognized you from your website.
- Nice to meet you.
I'm Mickey, the bride.
Nice to meet you.
- Feels pretty weird to say that.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- You get used to it.
- Okay, cool.
So, um, I was thinking for the ceremony, just move right through it.
- Got it.
- And I don't know about God stuff.
I'll have to ask Gus, but I'm thinking no.
- Okay.
- And, um I just wanna say, I think it's really funny, and I'm not gonna tell anybody.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Neither do I.
Shh! - [WHISPERS.]
I'm the guy that gets it.
- Okay.
- Okay, Truman.
- Hmm.
Um, okay, so we wrote our own vows.
We're gonna deliver those.
Okay, great.
I kinda want the vibe to be Mamma Mia! meets Elvira.
- I'll do my best.
- Okay, cool.
[BERTIE AND CHRIS CHATTERING.]
- No.
- [BERTIE GIGGLES.]
I love no.
Hey, what is it about no you don't understand? Right? All of it.
What the fuck, Bertie? Chris? Were you two hooking up when me and you were together? What? No, no, no.
Come on.
I'm not dumb, okay? We break up, and then immediately afterwards you're cool with just touching his hand at a party with all my friends? You're gonna regret this.
There'll come a time where I do something, like, really important, and I'm gonna become super famous or super rich, or both, and you're gonna feel so fucking dumb when you have to tell people that you broke up with me.
I really hope that's true, Randy.
It'll be true.
- Hey, what's up, guys? - Hey.
Hey, everything cool? Yeah, everything's cool with me.
Always has been.
Always will be.
It's you guys who are gonna make today extremely uncomfortable for everybody.
Uh Randy, you wanna maybe We could take a walk, you know, talk things over or something? Yeah, take a walk and miss my two best friends getting married? No fucking way, buddy.
You know what? You two are the jerks.
I'm not the jerk.
You two are.
Oh, shit.
- Hey, question.
I'm working on this toast.
- Mm-hmm.
I wanted to run it by you.
We're gonna have time for a toast, right? Definitely.
Yeah.
If you want time for a toast, we'll make some time.
Dope.
I'm gonna tell a story about how Mickey showed up at work that time when we were doing a table read, and you guys started arguing outside, and we were all watching it.
I got this video on my phone.
I might even show you guys while I'm doing the toast.
- It was hilarious, man.
- Yeah, that's a funny story.
I I think you might wanna skip that one, though.
- All right, that's cut.
- Okay.
Okay.
All right.
What about when you were house-sitting, and I came over, and you didn't even know I was there.
I was upstairs, and you guys started arguing.
You guys were going at it, man.
I heard her throw something at you.
I was like, "Oh, my God.
She's gonna kill Gus.
" I was so ready to be a witness at your murder trial.
Actually, I don't even think we'll have time for a toast, now that I think about it.
I'm figuring out the time, and I'm like, "We're not gonna have time for a toast.
Let's skip the toast.
" - Okay.
All right.
- No toast, okay? Thanks, buddy.
- Toast to no toast.
- Yeah.
Man, that guy has not taken my advice once.
Mickey is batshit.
Yeah, everybody's batshit.
Mickey and Gus and Bertie and Chris.
Jury's out on you, Kevin.
Extra large OJ, please.
[GUS.]
Yeah, I feel good.
It's just, you know It's sort of a symphony of different feelings.
- [BERTIE.]
Yeah, it's a big day.
- [GUS.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Totally.
[MICKEY.]
Gus? [GUS.]
One second.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Pardon me.
All right, beautiful people, it's time to head down to the beach, 'cause we're gonna try and do this before the sun goes down.
It's wedding time! - [ALL CHEERING.]
- Whoo! [CHUCKLES.]
[RANDY.]
Uh, hold on, everyone.
Uh, I just wanna say something first.
No, no, no.
Please, no.
Please don't do this now, please.
- Randy, you don't have to It's okay.
- No.
- Let's just go to do the wedding.
- No, this won't be bad.
It will be good.
I just wanna say, in front of everybody gathered here, that Bertie was right in breaking up with me.
- Great.
- Okay, that's nice.
Nice.
Thank you, Randy.
You deserve somebody better than me, and Chris is a lot better than me.
We don't have to dance around it.
He's strong.
He can lift lots of stuff and doesn't have a beard.
Doesn't live in his car.
I mean, he doesn't even believe in ghosts, and I'm afraid of ghosts.
I'm not gonna stand in the way of happiness, because you deserve a great guy just like Chris.
Just like Gus deserves a great girl like Mickey, and Mickey deserves a great guy like Gus.
Was that it? That's it.
Uh, yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- That's very sweet, Randy.
Thank you.
- Okay.
[MICKEY.]
All right.
Ahem.
And on that note, let's go get married.
Yeah, come on! It's good.
It's all right.
Hey.
[TERRY.]
Mickey and Gus have requested to share their vows.
Who wants to start? - Ugh, fine.
I'll bite the bullet.
Okay.
- [TERRY AND GUS CHUCKLE.]
Uh, don't judge, guys.
I wrote these in, like, an hour.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
"So, Gus, what's up? [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
My Gus-Gus.
[SIGHS.]
From the moment you killed some gross bugs for me in my bedroom, - I knew you were the one.
- [MAN 1.]
That's my chair! - We saved these - [MAN 2.]
Sorry.
- Ever since, I knew I could trust you - [MAN 1.]
We put shirts on this chair! - to keep me safe, make me feel loved.
- [MAN 2.]
I didn't see them.
- [MAN 1.]
Why would I lie about it? - And I promise to believe in you [MAN 1.]
You mayor of the beach? - and support you - [MAN 1.]
Sit in any chair you want? [MAN 2.]
I didn't see any shirt.
and always be the person who's unafraid to love more.
- [MAN 1.]
You steal my shirt? - I prom " Is that what the fuck's going on? - [WOMAN.]
Babe, chill.
- [MAN 2.]
I've been here three hours.
- Fuck you! We saved these for the sunset.
- Baby.
- [WOMAN.]
Stop! - [MAN 2.]
Don't touch me! [MAN 1.]
Get out of the chair! Get out! Should we just, like, wait a minute or - Stop! Quit it! - [MAN 3.]
Hey! - [SIGHS.]
God damn it.
- It's okay.
It's all right.
- [WOMAN.]
Stop! - It's actually kinda funny.
We're gonna wait for these assholes to work it out.
[WOMAN.]
Hey! Cut it out! Come on! - [GROANING.]
- Babe? Baby? Babe? Something's not right.
Call 911.
Medic, please! Somebody help! Baby? - [ALLAN.]
What's happening? - I don't know.
- A heart attack or something.
- Okay.
Jesus Christ.
He looks half dead.
- Should we take a break or - I guess.
Guys, we're gonna take a break.
Like, a ten minute break.
- It'll be fine.
- [GUS.]
Yeah.
Called it.
I knew it was a joke.
It's a prank.
[LAUGHS.]
I don't know.
So, what do we do now? Is that, like, a bad omen? Definitely not a good vibe for a wedding.
You can say it.
Should we just not do it? Yes, I was thinking the exact same thing.
I mean, the whole thing felt just a little I don't know - Rash.
It felt fucking rash.
- Yeah.
And we'll just tell them we're gonna do it another time, and they will not care because they all came here to party.
- And they'll get to party.
It's fine.
- Yeah.
So, what about us? What do we say we are? Are we engaged? Or no? No, I don't think engaged, but I think we're good.
I think we're, like, really good.
Yes, agreed.
I think this is the healthiest, most mature thing you know, for you.
Definitely for me.
For us.
Yes.
That's perfect.
You're perfect.
You're perfect.
Hey, what's up, you guys? - Hey.
- Hey.
Good news.
Remember the guy who, like, hit the deck and then was foaming from the mouth? Yeah, he was very memorable.
Yeah, well He's gonna be okay, not dead.
- Oh, that is good news.
- Good, good.
Hey, listen, everybody, um We just felt like the timing and the energy was off now, so we're not getting married today.
- [ALL.]
Aw.
- [ALLAN.]
Boo.
But, hey, not for any bad reasons.
We're still very much in love.
It's just we wanna, you know, do the responsible thing.
Yeah, and please, we still want you guys to stick around and hang out and party, so let's just call it the "We're Trying to Grow As People" party.
[ALL CHEER.]
You and I We might be strangers However close we get sometimes It's like we never met But you and I I think we can take it We are here today tonight to witness the matrimony of Gus Cruikshank and Mickey Dobbs You and I You and I Me and you [BOTH LAUGHING.]
What can we do Well, the words we use sometimes Are misconstrued Well, I won't guess What's coming next I can't ever tell You're the deepest well I've ever fallen into Oh, I don't wanna know Oh, I don't wanna know Oh, I don't need to know Everything about you Oh, I don't wanna know And you don't need to know That much about me You and I We might be strangers However close we get sometimes It's like we never met But you and I I think we can take it
You fucking watch.
It'll happen again.
You'll break up with me.
Then you'll change your mind and you'll come running back.
So, let's just skip that part and stay together.
I'm sorry.
I know that that was very hurtful, and I'm never gonna do that to you ever again.
You don't have to be so sure about it.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm trying to say that we should Randy, I wanna do this in the kindest way possible because you are a very special person, and I wouldn't wanna lose you as a friend.
So we'll still be friends? Sure.
That's all I needed to hear, Bertie Bear.
And then maybe after some time passes, we'll realize that maybe we do belong together.
- I don't think so.
- Oh! Well, fuck off then! I just don't want things to be weird when we run into each other.
Oh, well guess what.
It will be weird.
It will be weird as fuck! And I just wanna ask you if I can please tell people that this was a mutual breakup.
You can tell people you broke up with me if you want.
I'll go along with it.
No, it's gotta be mutual.
Okay, it's mutual.
I'm slamming the f door.
[BERTIE.]
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING.]
Do you think I should hold the broom, like, sexy, or Oh, God, every single photo shoot, someone's like, "Ooh, you know what? Maybe she'll hold a broom.
" As if they're the first to ever think of that.
[PHOTOGRAPHER.]
Remember, you're witches.
Grab the broom and lean back.
- You know what? Hey.
- [PHOTOGRAPHER.]
Yeah? Can you get some of just her by herself? - Yeah, no problem.
- Thank you.
Obvious phallic symbol.
It's in the goddamn Wiccan! - Cruikshank.
Hey.
- Hey.
Uh What were you thinking? What do you mean? Putting Arya in your movie.
Oh! - Look, I'm sorry.
I just - Mm-hmm.
I thought that was one of those, you know, don't ask permission, beg for forgiveness kind of things.
- Well, uh, I got curious - Uh-huh.
so I made Wyatt get a copy of your script, so we could read it and make fun of it.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, thanks.
Yeah.
So we read it, and, uh, it was good.
I'm not saying it was great.
I'm not, 'cause it wasn't, okay? But, uh, there was some real talent there.
Well, that's nice to hear.
I mean, it's funny, 'cause when I first came up with the idea, I was like, "Ooh, this is one of those ideas.
" Stop talking.
You're saying too many words.
- Okay.
- Okay? So, um, the network has asked me to create a new show, so I am developing a pilot now.
It's a political thriller that takes place on a space colony.
- Very cool, very cool.
- Yeah.
And I'm putting together a staff of writers now to help me and when the show gets picked up, they'll be the staff.
- Huh.
- I think you're right for the job.
- No shit? Really? - No shit.
Yeah.
You know, there's all this sci-fi stuff, and I'm just gonna, you know, take a big leap here and guess you have some familiarity with that? Susan, just 'cause I have glasses and I dress a certain way doesn't mean I'm into science fiction, but of course I'm into science fiction, yes! So, do you want the job? Yes, please.
Oh, my God.
A thousand times yes, yes, yes.
And you're gonna behave yourself this time? - Definitely.
- None of this, like, throwing laptops around the fucking writers' room bullshit? Those laptop throwing days are behind me.
- Are you sure? - I promise, yes.
- Okay.
- Thank you, Susan.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Sorry I hugged you there.
Was that wrong? No, it was appropriate.
Oh, Gus, come on in! - Hi.
- To what do I owe this pleasure? I don't know.
I just thought I'd come in and say hello, see how you were doing.
You maybe, uh, wanna go get some lunch? It's 10:00 a.
m.
- Brunch? - [SNORTS.]
- Do a brunch-type thing? - Yeah, that's so sweet.
I have to finish this.
Oh, sure, yeah.
No, don't let me stop you.
- Do what you have to do.
- Wait! Is this Gus Cruikshank, boy legend? [GIGGLES.]
Is this Stella Emmett, whose show I love so much, even though it makes me feel very weird sometimes? - Well, then I'm doing my job.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yay! You two meet, finally.
Mickey talks about you so much, I feel like I already know you.
Aw I'm sure it's all good things, yes? Duh.
Stella, how many times have I said, "Sometimes I just think Gus' penis is too big"? Like, every day since I met you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, now you know.
My penis must be fairly big because, otherwise, that would be a rude thing to Or at least average.
Never mind.
I'm gonna shut up.
Just can I watch? - Yeah, just stop talking.
Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh, my God.
Are you serious? Yeah, we start writing next month.
- Sweetie, congratulations.
- Oh, thank you.
I mean, thank you for everything.
I mean, I couldn't I couldn't have done this without you.
Thank you, too.
You know? I never gave a shit about work before I met you.
You really bring out the best in me.
Yeah, you bring out the best in me, too.
Taught me how to kick ass.
You taught me how to kiss it.
Look at us, killing it in every aspect of our life.
I feel like the universe is rewarding us for getting our shit together.
You know, I actually think that's, like, true.
This might sound weird, but I feel like in South Dakota, we cracked the code, like, the code to our relationship.
Yes, exactly.
The code.
I know what you mean.
We know the code exactly, yeah.
As long as we're open with each other and we're real with each other, we're gonna be okay.
All we have to do It's so easy.
We just go like, "Hey, I feel this way inside.
- I'm gonna tell Mickey.
" - Yeah.
You feel something.
You tell me.
And we're there for each other, and we can work through anything.
Yeah.
It's so sad how, like, other couples and other people in relationships, they feel like they can't, like, share who they are.
And I just know, like, you're not gonna think I'm lame.
- No.
- I don't even know what we would fight about.
- What would we fight about? - I would try to think, I'd go like, "What couldn't we work through?" And it's like nothing.
We could work through anything.
I know that's gonna be true in a year.
- Mm-hmm.
- In, like, five years.
In 40 years.
Exactly, and I'm like, "If I know I'm gonna feel this 40 years from now, why wouldn't I just And why wouldn't we just " - What? Come on, say it.
- No, no, no.
- What? Come on.
- I gotta keep my mouth shut about this.
- Say it.
Say it.
- You don't wanna hear it.
I know I've already proposed once before in my life, but if I was gonna propose to you, I I'd want you to know I meant it for real.
Okay? I'd want it to happen right away.
What do you mean right away? Like, run off and elope? Maybe.
[BERTIE.]
Gah! Oh, my God! Aren't you freaking out? I mean, it's exciting, right? This is Wow! Wait, where is this happening? How? When? What the fuck? We're going to Catalina Island and having a quickie wedding on the beach.
The beach.
Beautiful.
You can get a justice of the peace the same day.
We talked to her on the way over here.
Yeah.
Her name's Terry.
She seems really nice.
- Terry.
Perfect.
- [MICKEY.]
Yep.
She's gonna meet us on the beach near our hotel around six-ish and marry us.
- She's licensed and everything.
- Wow.
- Catalina.
What a beautiful place.
- Have you been there? Never, but when people talk about Catalina, I always think, "That sounds very nice.
And I'd like to go there some day.
" Do you wanna come with us? 'Cause we need a witness.
Yeah, Terry was gonna, like, provide somebody for us, but You're way better than some weirdo stranger.
Bertie, do you wanna be our witness? That would be incredible.
Me? Be your witness? How humbling.
Is it warm there? Should I pack my swimmers? I'm gonna pack 'em anyway.
This is very exciting! [SHOUTS.]
Do you wanna tell anybody else? You wanna call our parents or Is it okay if we don't? It's just, with my dad, it'll be this whole big thing and my mom, uh, she won't be into it.
But I thought you and your mom got along, right? Oh, we do.
Yeah, she's the best.
I just don't want her to bum me out with her reasonable thoughts.
Right, right, right, right, right.
You think she's got a point, or you think this is impulsive? Or She'd say I'm being impulsive, but maybe being impulsive is just me following my instincts.
I wanna listen to my inner voice and act fast before the little damaged voices talk me out of it.
Hey, Gus, would you maybe wanna bring a buddy along? Oh, that could be fun! Like a maid of honor, best man-type thing.
Yeah, sure, that's good.
I guess I'll ask Randy.
No.
Don't.
Um We broke up.
- Really? - Whoa! It was mutual, or that's what I'm supposed to say.
Aw, that's too bad.
It was for the best, obviously.
Uh, I guess, then, um I'll ask Chris? [CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY.]
Great.
I Okay.
Uh, well, I should probably give you a little heads-up on that, and that is Chris and I are Well, something's happening between us.
[GUS.]
Really? Wow.
Okay.
Yeah.
I mean, we have a very special connection, and we always have, so once Randy and I had split up, that's when we took the next step.
But nothing happened before that, or whatever.
Yeah, I'm psyched for you two.
That's awesome.
Uh What a weird day.
[CHUCKLES.]
- What a big, weird day this is.
Yeah.
- It's so weird.
Yeah.
Well, why do we have to stop there? We just invite everyone.
Send out a mass group text and see who shows up.
Right.
I mean, we're eloping.
We can do whatever the fuck we want.
- That's the whole point.
- Yeah, all right.
Let's just get married the way we want to.
If people come, that's great.
If they don't - They're dead to us forever.
- [CHUCKLES.]
"Psst! Gus and Mickey eloping.
" I'm transcribing this.
- "If you wanna come to Catalina - Mm-hmm.
- join us.
" - Yes.
- "No one's invited.
" - Yeah.
"No one's not invited.
" I was born a unicorn I missed the ark, but I could've sworn You'd wait for me I was born a unicorn I could've sworn you believed in me Then how come all the other Unicorns are dead? [BERTIE.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
[GROANING.]
[GROANING CONTINUES.]
Yes.
Sorry, I'll keep it down.
Oh, no, it's all good.
I'm so happy right now.
Good, good.
I'm very happy for you.
And it's nice we get to do some cool shit before everyone trickles in.
Yeah, I love cool shit.
Wow! What a whirlwind, right? You must be feeling, like, scared, or do you feel like this is a bit fast maybe? Do you feel like it's a bit fast? Honestly? Yes.
Yeah, this feels a little fast.
Just a little bit too fast.
Like, if the speed limit was 65, you'd be going - 70.
- Or 80.
85.
Hovering around 85, maybe.
I don't know.
I'm sorry.
I just wanted to check in to see if you're okay.
No, I appreciate it.
I understand why you'd ask.
I guess I just don't understand how all this SLAA stuff works.
I mean, yeah, it's not ideal, but I think since we're both aware Look at you and Chris.
You know, if the speed limit is 65, you're on, like, a rocket ship.
I guess it's like a chemical attraction thing.
Mmm.
Hey, so, uh, you nervous? Oh, yeah, I mean, big time.
Yeah? About this or the wedding? - No, your wedding.
- Oh, my wedding! No! I feel great.
- Yeah? - Yeah, so good.
Dude, I'm so fucking psyched for you, man.
You have no idea.
I'm psyched for me, too.
I just got this feeling of excitement and relief and happiness.
Dude, those're the emotions you want, man.
That's the good shit.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's - [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Hey, um Bertie and I had sex, um, and it was while her and Randy were still together.
What? We're just, you know, in the spirit of being open and honest, you know, I just it's kinda been weighing on me, and I kinda wanna just, like, you know, put it out there.
- It's kinda making me feel like shit.
- Oh, yeah, man.
Don't worry.
I'm I'm not gonna judge you or anything.
- Yeah? - The heart wants what it wants.
You know? And we're just tapping into all the world's love.
Actually, also, in college, I had sex with this girl who I later found out I was, like, loosely related to.
Um Like, not first cousin or anything, but, like, in the ancestry.
- Oh, yeah, whatever.
It's cool.
Yeah.
- Yeah? [CHUCKLES.]
Whoo-hoo! Whoa! Okay! Here we go! [MICKEY.]
So, you don't think it's too fast? - No, I think it's romantic.
- That's what I think.
You really wanna know if it's right, my therapist had these three questions about whether you should get married or not.
Oh, three questions.
What are they? That's cool.
It sounds like a fairy tale.
- Okay, hit me.
- Okay.
Number one: Do you have fun hanging out with him when there's nothing else to do? 100%.
We're still finding things that we have in common.
It's great.
Right.
There's still quite a bit of fighting though, right? Yeah, but I think that's a byproduct of the passion that we have for each other.
- Yeah, I get that.
That makes sense.
- Yep.
That's one perspective.
[SYD.]
Oh, my God.
This is fucking beautiful.
[MICKEY.]
Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
- So, what was the second question? - Okay.
Number two and this is a big one: Do you respect each other? Not just, like, holding the door open, but deep respect.
Oh, yeah, I mean, I respect him, and I don't think I would've been his favorite person two years ago, but yes.
Yeah.
So, that's a yes with an asterisk.
Okay, number three: You don't have to answer this Do you have a good sex life? Ha! Yeah, it's hard not to less than a year in, so we'll see.
You never know.
Jeff and I have been married for 12 years.
He still goes down on me.
Thank the Lord.
That's awesome.
Yes, that's a very exciting update on Syd's marriage, but Mickey, like you said, it's very hard to tell on the sex thing this early on.
Yeah, but it's unreal, so I think we're gonna be fine.
There you go.
That's it.
That's three yeses.
- Yes.
- Mmm.
Gus, I'm not saying don't do it.
All I'm saying is that being a bachelor is, like, the pinnacle of existence.
You know, I just I think I'm one of those guys who's programmed to be in a monogamous relationship.
- I'm not gonna miss my single days.
- If you say so.
I mean, this whole thing is a joke anyway, right, Gus? It's a joke.
There's no way you guys are getting married this soon.
No, we are.
It's not a joke.
No, no, not like a joke-joke, but like a prank, like a fuck you, like a performance art piece or something.
Hey, Gus, imagine, you're single.
You come home from work, you take off your socks, throw 'em on the floor.
You take a crap.
Maybe forget to flush the toilet.
Toast a bagel.
Put a little butter on there.
Freedom's nice.
I get what you're saying, but Or maybe spread some cream cheese on there.
Do a bong hit.
Put on a Willie Nelson album.
Why not? It's your life.
You know, that might just be a trade-off I'm willing to make.
Plus, you guys don't know the alternative.
Are you kidding me? We got five divorces between the two of us.
Loverboy's got two.
I got the hat trick.
- Love is a battlefield.
- [GRUNTS.]
I really think it's funny, Gus.
Getting everyone on an island like this.
I'm really beginning to see it.
Not a prank, buddy.
Not a prank.
Wow! Mickey, you look - I mean, you look beautiful.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
Inside and out.
You know, I like all of your sides, so I love all your sides, too.
- Stop looking at me.
It's bad luck.
- What? - Oh, shit.
Sorry.
I didn't even know.
- Goodbye.
- Are you Terry? - I am.
- Hi.
I recognized you from your website.
- Nice to meet you.
I'm Mickey, the bride.
Nice to meet you.
- Feels pretty weird to say that.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- You get used to it.
- Okay, cool.
So, um, I was thinking for the ceremony, just move right through it.
- Got it.
- And I don't know about God stuff.
I'll have to ask Gus, but I'm thinking no.
- Okay.
- And, um I just wanna say, I think it's really funny, and I'm not gonna tell anybody.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Neither do I.
Shh! - [WHISPERS.]
I'm the guy that gets it.
- Okay.
- Okay, Truman.
- Hmm.
Um, okay, so we wrote our own vows.
We're gonna deliver those.
Okay, great.
I kinda want the vibe to be Mamma Mia! meets Elvira.
- I'll do my best.
- Okay, cool.
[BERTIE AND CHRIS CHATTERING.]
- No.
- [BERTIE GIGGLES.]
I love no.
Hey, what is it about no you don't understand? Right? All of it.
What the fuck, Bertie? Chris? Were you two hooking up when me and you were together? What? No, no, no.
Come on.
I'm not dumb, okay? We break up, and then immediately afterwards you're cool with just touching his hand at a party with all my friends? You're gonna regret this.
There'll come a time where I do something, like, really important, and I'm gonna become super famous or super rich, or both, and you're gonna feel so fucking dumb when you have to tell people that you broke up with me.
I really hope that's true, Randy.
It'll be true.
- Hey, what's up, guys? - Hey.
Hey, everything cool? Yeah, everything's cool with me.
Always has been.
Always will be.
It's you guys who are gonna make today extremely uncomfortable for everybody.
Uh Randy, you wanna maybe We could take a walk, you know, talk things over or something? Yeah, take a walk and miss my two best friends getting married? No fucking way, buddy.
You know what? You two are the jerks.
I'm not the jerk.
You two are.
Oh, shit.
- Hey, question.
I'm working on this toast.
- Mm-hmm.
I wanted to run it by you.
We're gonna have time for a toast, right? Definitely.
Yeah.
If you want time for a toast, we'll make some time.
Dope.
I'm gonna tell a story about how Mickey showed up at work that time when we were doing a table read, and you guys started arguing outside, and we were all watching it.
I got this video on my phone.
I might even show you guys while I'm doing the toast.
- It was hilarious, man.
- Yeah, that's a funny story.
I I think you might wanna skip that one, though.
- All right, that's cut.
- Okay.
Okay.
All right.
What about when you were house-sitting, and I came over, and you didn't even know I was there.
I was upstairs, and you guys started arguing.
You guys were going at it, man.
I heard her throw something at you.
I was like, "Oh, my God.
She's gonna kill Gus.
" I was so ready to be a witness at your murder trial.
Actually, I don't even think we'll have time for a toast, now that I think about it.
I'm figuring out the time, and I'm like, "We're not gonna have time for a toast.
Let's skip the toast.
" - Okay.
All right.
- No toast, okay? Thanks, buddy.
- Toast to no toast.
- Yeah.
Man, that guy has not taken my advice once.
Mickey is batshit.
Yeah, everybody's batshit.
Mickey and Gus and Bertie and Chris.
Jury's out on you, Kevin.
Extra large OJ, please.
[GUS.]
Yeah, I feel good.
It's just, you know It's sort of a symphony of different feelings.
- [BERTIE.]
Yeah, it's a big day.
- [GUS.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Totally.
[MICKEY.]
Gus? [GUS.]
One second.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Pardon me.
All right, beautiful people, it's time to head down to the beach, 'cause we're gonna try and do this before the sun goes down.
It's wedding time! - [ALL CHEERING.]
- Whoo! [CHUCKLES.]
[RANDY.]
Uh, hold on, everyone.
Uh, I just wanna say something first.
No, no, no.
Please, no.
Please don't do this now, please.
- Randy, you don't have to It's okay.
- No.
- Let's just go to do the wedding.
- No, this won't be bad.
It will be good.
I just wanna say, in front of everybody gathered here, that Bertie was right in breaking up with me.
- Great.
- Okay, that's nice.
Nice.
Thank you, Randy.
You deserve somebody better than me, and Chris is a lot better than me.
We don't have to dance around it.
He's strong.
He can lift lots of stuff and doesn't have a beard.
Doesn't live in his car.
I mean, he doesn't even believe in ghosts, and I'm afraid of ghosts.
I'm not gonna stand in the way of happiness, because you deserve a great guy just like Chris.
Just like Gus deserves a great girl like Mickey, and Mickey deserves a great guy like Gus.
Was that it? That's it.
Uh, yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- That's very sweet, Randy.
Thank you.
- Okay.
[MICKEY.]
All right.
Ahem.
And on that note, let's go get married.
Yeah, come on! It's good.
It's all right.
Hey.
[TERRY.]
Mickey and Gus have requested to share their vows.
Who wants to start? - Ugh, fine.
I'll bite the bullet.
Okay.
- [TERRY AND GUS CHUCKLE.]
Uh, don't judge, guys.
I wrote these in, like, an hour.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
"So, Gus, what's up? [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
My Gus-Gus.
[SIGHS.]
From the moment you killed some gross bugs for me in my bedroom, - I knew you were the one.
- [MAN 1.]
That's my chair! - We saved these - [MAN 2.]
Sorry.
- Ever since, I knew I could trust you - [MAN 1.]
We put shirts on this chair! - to keep me safe, make me feel loved.
- [MAN 2.]
I didn't see them.
- [MAN 1.]
Why would I lie about it? - And I promise to believe in you [MAN 1.]
You mayor of the beach? - and support you - [MAN 1.]
Sit in any chair you want? [MAN 2.]
I didn't see any shirt.
and always be the person who's unafraid to love more.
- [MAN 1.]
You steal my shirt? - I prom " Is that what the fuck's going on? - [WOMAN.]
Babe, chill.
- [MAN 2.]
I've been here three hours.
- Fuck you! We saved these for the sunset.
- Baby.
- [WOMAN.]
Stop! - [MAN 2.]
Don't touch me! [MAN 1.]
Get out of the chair! Get out! Should we just, like, wait a minute or - Stop! Quit it! - [MAN 3.]
Hey! - [SIGHS.]
God damn it.
- It's okay.
It's all right.
- [WOMAN.]
Stop! - It's actually kinda funny.
We're gonna wait for these assholes to work it out.
[WOMAN.]
Hey! Cut it out! Come on! - [GROANING.]
- Babe? Baby? Babe? Something's not right.
Call 911.
Medic, please! Somebody help! Baby? - [ALLAN.]
What's happening? - I don't know.
- A heart attack or something.
- Okay.
Jesus Christ.
He looks half dead.
- Should we take a break or - I guess.
Guys, we're gonna take a break.
Like, a ten minute break.
- It'll be fine.
- [GUS.]
Yeah.
Called it.
I knew it was a joke.
It's a prank.
[LAUGHS.]
I don't know.
So, what do we do now? Is that, like, a bad omen? Definitely not a good vibe for a wedding.
You can say it.
Should we just not do it? Yes, I was thinking the exact same thing.
I mean, the whole thing felt just a little I don't know - Rash.
It felt fucking rash.
- Yeah.
And we'll just tell them we're gonna do it another time, and they will not care because they all came here to party.
- And they'll get to party.
It's fine.
- Yeah.
So, what about us? What do we say we are? Are we engaged? Or no? No, I don't think engaged, but I think we're good.
I think we're, like, really good.
Yes, agreed.
I think this is the healthiest, most mature thing you know, for you.
Definitely for me.
For us.
Yes.
That's perfect.
You're perfect.
You're perfect.
Hey, what's up, you guys? - Hey.
- Hey.
Good news.
Remember the guy who, like, hit the deck and then was foaming from the mouth? Yeah, he was very memorable.
Yeah, well He's gonna be okay, not dead.
- Oh, that is good news.
- Good, good.
Hey, listen, everybody, um We just felt like the timing and the energy was off now, so we're not getting married today.
- [ALL.]
Aw.
- [ALLAN.]
Boo.
But, hey, not for any bad reasons.
We're still very much in love.
It's just we wanna, you know, do the responsible thing.
Yeah, and please, we still want you guys to stick around and hang out and party, so let's just call it the "We're Trying to Grow As People" party.
[ALL CHEER.]
You and I We might be strangers However close we get sometimes It's like we never met But you and I I think we can take it We are here today tonight to witness the matrimony of Gus Cruikshank and Mickey Dobbs You and I You and I Me and you [BOTH LAUGHING.]
What can we do Well, the words we use sometimes Are misconstrued Well, I won't guess What's coming next I can't ever tell You're the deepest well I've ever fallen into Oh, I don't wanna know Oh, I don't wanna know Oh, I don't need to know Everything about you Oh, I don't wanna know And you don't need to know That much about me You and I We might be strangers However close we get sometimes It's like we never met But you and I I think we can take it