Lovesick (Scrotal Recall) (2014) s03e02 Episode Script
Bonnie
1 [SIGHS.]
Why is this so hard? Because you refuse to look at the instructions? They're in Danish.
Well, just look at the pictures.
Do what the stick men are doing.
My little stick men appear to be having an orgy on a battlefield.
- [SNICKERS.]
- Luke's handiwork.
This is pretty cool, though, building the thing your own kid is gonna be sleeping in.
You see, that makes me anxious.
It's a lot of pressure.
And this is one item on a list longer than my arm.
Hmm.
- It's been a busy time, hasn't it? - It's lot of change.
For all of us.
An absolute shitload of change, as the Dansk say.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Oh, hey.
- Hi.
How's it going, guys? Good, good.
Angus was telling me about the really interesting new cot he's just bought.
Flatpack.
Such a bargain.
It's Danish.
Yeah, I know, sounds like a good one, Angus.
What is it doing in my room? There's a buggy and birthing ball in mine.
- Not sure that answers my question.
- We're stockpiling.
Well, Holly is.
She can't stop buying things.
We've only just had the scan! I don't have the heart to tell her about losing my job.
- Not to mention Helen.
- What's Helen got to do with this? She's clearing me out.
She's hired a divorce lawyer.
He's like a Doberman.
Why don't you get a lawyer, dude? I can't afford a lawyer.
I'm dealing with him direct.
He just sent a settlement of our possessions.
- She wants nearly everything.
- This is criminal.
- A man needs his toothbrush.
- I know! He doesn't need more than one Luther Vandross album.
But which would you choose? She even wants the bonsai tree! I bought that on our honeymoon.
Helen hates it.
She said I bought it because it makes me feel taller.
- What's the stuff marked "miscellaneous"? - Oh, no, that's nothing.
- Sex toys.
- What? [LAUGHS.]
Absolutely not.
- [SIGHS.]
- Uh what are you doing? Nobody ever got what they wanted by saying "please," Angus.
You've got to be cool, detached, menacing.
Menacing.
I can do that.
What you need is a negotiator.
Let me do this for you.
Do you know anything about the law? I know I've seen Erin Brockovich 17 times.
- Well, that's a relief.
- What have you got to lose? Literally everything he owns.
You know what I know about Dobermans, Angus? - They're dogs.
- Well, yes.
- You know what a dog needs? - Pet insurance? No, Angus.
A dog needs a master.
[LAPTOP CHIMES.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hello.
I brought you this.
Thanks.
- I like what you've done with the place.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
[CHUCKLES.]
Luke's sock on the door handle idea turned out not to be foolproof.
- Let's just say he doesn't dim the lights.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- How's it all going? - Fine.
I thought we could talk.
Do we have to? You keep saying that, but I think talking would help.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hi, is Evie here? - Sure, who are - Alex? Hey! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Oh, you look amazing! - What the hell are you doing here? - Alex.
Evie's cousin, Alex? - Dylan? - Oh, God.
Oh What's going on? Uh, we wanted it to be surprise, for your hen party.
[ALEX LAUGHS.]
My what? He spent $2,000 on flights, Dylan.
I'm so sorry.
I planned it ages ago and then with everything, I forgot it was this weekend.
It's fine.
It's honestly fine.
I'll just send you my bank details.
- I'm kidding! - [ALL LAUGHING.]
No, seriously, I'd like you to reimburse me.
Joke! - I don't really like this game.
- I do.
- What's with the blanket? - Okay, Brian made it for you.
But to be honest, I'm not entirely sure it's appropriate now [LUKE.]
"Mal loves Evie.
" It's a traditional wedding gift in his family.
- Wow.
- I know, right? Who else did you invite? Ah, well, um [CLEARS THROAT.]
your sister's away traveling, so Wait, your hen party was gonna be all male? Men parties are the new hen parties, bro.
[DYLAN.]
Evie doesn't have many female friends.
Oh, yeah, and why is that, Dylan? What do you mean? Between you guys, you've slept with every single one of my girlfriends.
- Oh, I haven't.
- Yeah, I meant these two.
No offense.
Not true, inaccurate.
Inaccurate? Uh, what about Jennifer - [SCOFFS AND LAUGHS.]
- Suzanne, Stephanie, Rebecca, Rachel, uh, Louise? - I did not sleep with Louise.
- No.
But you had sex with her older sister at a house party.
Whilst Louise was asleep in the same room.
Touché.
So, what do you have planned? Well, uh, there were gonna be activities.
I'd actually put a lot of thought into it.
Not that it matters now.
It could.
If you didn't cancel anything.
- Are you saying we still do the hen party? - Why not? Have you guys taken her out yet? Since the breakup? Oh, come on! We should be celebrating Evie's decision not to get married.
She almost made a massive mistake, but she didn't.
That deserves formal recognition.
Also, I have two small kids, and I haven't been out past ten p.
m.
since October 2015.
So this is happening, guys.
And it's going to be wild! [ALEX.]
Seriously? Soap-making? I mean, who needs girlfriends? Ooh.
Oh.
Has anyone tried Ylang Ylang? - Apparently, it's very sensual.
- Is that right? Okay, we're wrapping this up.
For everyone's sake.
- What's next, ladies? - I might need to finish this batch Five minutes.
Oh, God! - What? - Helen's lawyers just e-mailed.
He's working on a Saturday.
That's not a good sign, is it? - What did he say? - Helen is furious.
My last e-mail to her was "offensive and personal.
" [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
It's bluster.
Classic lawyer stuff.
You compared Helen to the Terminator.
- Yeah, in a constructive way.
- Oh, and I quote, "The really evil one from Terminator 2, italics, Judgment Day, which is a rare example of a sequel that stands up to the original.
" Greatest film about the human condition ever made.
- They've taken my words out of context.
- Oh, God! They've revised the list.
She wants everything, even stuff she was letting me have.
Everything except the uncontested items.
- What are they? - The stuff neither of us wants.
It's pretty much the only things we 100% definitely agree on.
- Why is my wedding present to you there? - Is it? Well, it must be a mistake.
It's not too early for this, is it? I haven't horribly misjudged it? Oh, no, three p.
m.
is a perfectly normal time to do karaoke.
Ah.
You must be the early booking making me do a 14-hour day.
- She seems nice.
- Yes, she does.
I give great gifts.
It's one of the top five things I'm known for.
I think a samurai kitchen knife set just didn't come in that useful.
Well, those knives came with a display rack.
Rubber sheaths for the blades.
It looked awesome! You're right.
I'll ask for them back.
It's time to sing some power ballads.
For Evie.
Do you know what, guys? I'm not really sure I'm in the mood for karaoke Oh, place your hands On my hope Run your fingers through my soul All right And the way that I feel right now Oh, Lord, it may go Put your hands on Put your hands on But you did, but you did You lied to me All this pain you said I'd never feel You lied to me But I do, but I do, do, do Return of the mack Return of the mack [SINGING IN GERMAN.]
Turn around, bright eyes Every now and then I fall apart Bright eyes Every now and then I fall apart And I need you now tonight And I need you more than ever And if you only hold me tight We'll be holding on forever And we'll only be making it right 'Cause we'll never be wrong Together, we can take it to the end of the line Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time I don't know what to do I'm always in the dark We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks I really need you tonight I really need you tonight Forever's gonna start tonight Forever's gonna start tonight Once upon a time I was falling in love But now I'm only falling apart Nothing I can say A total eclipse of the heart As chief bridesmaids go, he's got a lot of stubble.
[LAUGHS.]
You can't call him that.
Sorry.
Male of honor? That's worse, surely? [CHUCKLES.]
So he's nothing to do with you ending it with Mal? Are you going to tell him? Uh I was really ready to.
But? Everything's just such a mess.
People have been so upset about the wedding.
Like I've ruined their plans or let them down somehow.
People like weddings.
They'll get over it.
I just don't think I should be let loose on any big decisions right now.
Then don't be.
Take your time.
Be single.
Find some space to think.
Why does everything have to be so hard? You want hard? I left my girlfriend so I could raise a family with a man in Texas.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- Can you imagine how well that went down? - Yeah, I remember.
I'm just saying, people get hurt.
But you deserve to be happy.
Um He's with someone.
And she's really nice.
Champagne's complimentary for hen parties.
It looks like the rest is being paid for by somebody called Mal.
Yeah, sorry, that's out of date.
We'd like to pay.
- He left his card details.
- Trust us, lady, he is not going to want to pay for that.
He left a message.
For his fiancée.
- We don't need to hear it.
- I should call him as a courtesy.
We're not actually getting married anymore.
So this isn't a hen party booking? It was a hen party, but now it's just a party.
Sorry, I'm just finding this slightly confusing.
I'm not sure why you're finding it confusing.
We were getting married.
Then I changed my mind.
- What? - Champagne's only free for hen parties.
And this isn't one anymore.
Aww.
So you're gonna have to pay.
Okay? Dyl Dyl Hey, man.
Remember that shirt I got for your birthday last year? Hmm You know, it's sort of dusky pink.
It's very snug fit around the shoulders.
100% silk, actually.
- Does that not fit you? - What do you mean? - I don't ever see you wearing it.
- Oh, yeah - That was great.
That was great.
- Was great? Okay, guys.
The night is young.
What's next? Cheese tasting! [LAUGHING.]
Oh.
You were serious? Oh, bugger! Now Helen wants to take me to court over a bonsai tree.
Yikes.
Law is tougher than I thought.
I might have to jump off this ride, Angus.
- Nice work, Luke.
- Thanks, man.
What do I do now? - Alex, you seem wise.
- Look.
If it matters, fight her for it.
Stand up to her.
You haven't met Helen, dude.
She is a massive bitch.
Or just take it.
You're suggesting we steal the bonsai? Why not? Let's wreak some havoc.
- Okay.
What about Helen? - She's not home.
It wouldn't actually be stealing, would it? Taking something that already belongs to me.
I still have the receipt.
Plus, it's a bonsai tree.
She probably wouldn't even notice.
Let's fucking do this! Just to be clear, shall I cancel the cheese tasting? Guys? - She's definitely not in, is she? - No.
She's out to dinner with her parents.
She just posted a video of her dad shouting at the waiter.
Shit, Angus.
This place is amazing.
How come you never invited us here? Helen didn't think it was appropriate.
How do we do this? Okay.
I'm just spitballing here, but I think I can shimmy up that eucalyptus tree, inch along that ledge, drop in through the window, commando-style.
Ha ha! - Or we could just use my keys.
- Oh, fucking bastard.
I can't believe it.
She changed the locks.
This is outrageous.
Luke, commando style? Yeah, it's actually quite a lot higher than I thought.
Any other way in? - [WINDOW SLIDES.]
- [GROANS.]
She always leaves the bathroom window open to circulate the air.
Has issues with her toilet aroma.
She's quite sensitive about it, actually.
"Toilet aroma"? - [YELPS.]
- [CLATTERING.]
I'm okay! [LUKE LAUGHS.]
Ooh-ooh-ooh! Sorry, guys.
Socks only.
Helen doesn't like outdoor feet on the carpet.
Helen's got some really big shoes.
Okay, everyone keep your eyes peeled for a samurai knife set.
That's not really a flower, is it? Of course it's a flower.
Right.
Where is this little guy? What the fuck is that? [ANGUS.]
Beautiful, isn't she? Bonsai trees don't get that big, Angus.
Yes, they do, Evie.
Ergo You do realize this is an outdoor bonsai? - Is that a cast iron pot? - Correct.
Are those rocks in the base? Have you given a single thought to how we're gonna get this out of here? We'll be able to lift it, won't we? The lads.
The bloody lads.
[ALEX.]
Last time I looked, you guys weren't winning any Ironman competitions.
Maybe we should move that table to clear a path.
[EVIE.]
Who's the guy in the photos? My old schoolmate, Jamie.
He was at the wedding, remember? He was one of the ushers.
He was on the stag.
He did that little dance with his trousers down and then fell off the roof.
[LAUGHS.]
Seriously? Um How are you thinking of getting that home? What? I mean, after you lifted the incredibly heavy tree out of the corner, across the room, down the hallway and out the front door, how are you thinking of getting it all the way to the flat? We could borrow Helen's car.
I'm really sorry about today.
Don't be.
Alex coming is just about the nicest thing that's happened in a really long time.
It just doesn't feel right, you sleeping on the sofa.
I don't mind, really.
I want you to have my room, and I'll stay with Abigail.
Just until you find somewhere else.
That is really kind of you, but, honestly, I'll be moved on soon.
Then you won't need it for long.
- Do you not think Abigail will mind? - She'd want to help.
She really likes you.
Thank you.
[CAR ALARM CHIMES.]
- Is the window really the best idea? - Yeah.
I think gravity's going to help us.
It's the pot.
I think if we can separate the two, we'll be in business.
[TELEPHONE RINGING.]
- Has everyone got their phones? - Maybe Dylan or Evie left theirs? [PHONE VIBRATING.]
[VIBRATING CONTINUES.]
What's behind that door, Angus? It's just a cupboard.
Oh, my God.
Helen's in the cupboard.
- We've got to get out of here.
- Fuck that.
No, no, no, no, no.
[ANGUS WHIMPERS.]
- Found it.
- [ANGUS.]
Jamie? - What are you doing here? - Looking for my phone.
No, I mean, in my house.
I was just passing.
I was desperate for the toilet.
- But you're in a cupboard.
- I was hiding.
I thought you were burglars.
You said you were looking for your phone.
- Did I? - How do you have keys? I found them.
So just to recap, you needed the toilet and happened to be passing when you found some keys, let yourself in and lost your phone in a cupboard.
Yeah, that is starting to sound a lot like bullshit.
If you're gonna beat me, could we steer clear of the face? It's just, I've got a short presentation tomorrow.
[PHONE VIBRATING.]
It's Helen.
She'll keep ringing if you don't answer.
- You didn't hang around, did you? - It's not what you think.
Okay, it is what you think.
- After you and that stripper - Her name's Holly.
After that.
I called Helen, just as a friend.
She was so upset.
And then we met up.
And then we met up again.
And - And then you stayed.
- No one planned it.
Oh, well, that's okay, then.
Please leave the tree.
[LAUGHS.]
She will never forgive me if I let you take it.
- But she hates it.
- It doesn't matter.
It's all your things.
There's boxes and boxes just sitting there.
Maybe once it's gone, you're gone.
- I don't think that's the case.
- She's not in a good place, Angus.
I think we should leave.
I'll take good care of it for you.
The tree.
I promise.
I hope you treat Helen better than I did.
Actually, you haven't seen a samurai kitchen knife set? About yea big, quite pointy? You got new stuff to own now, Angus.
You know, with Holly.
- What about the tree? - We're leaving it.
All of it.
It's enough to say you're getting old Every day [LUKE SIGHS.]
Keep it.
They're triple-folded steel, Angus.
How can you not like these? The thing is, Luke, you do buy really good gifts.
Just not for other people.
Yeah.
I wonder if Dylan's still got that silk shirt.
[LAUGHS.]
Konichiwa.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
I haven't had a booty call since uni.
Well, you gotta stay young somehow.
Do you mind? Actually, it is a little bit of a problem you coming over all the time.
Maybe I shouldn't give you these.
Is this so you can get me to pay half your rent? Yep.
And also, buzzing you in all the time is exhausting.
You smell like lavender.
What? [CHUCKLES.]
You look so pleased.
Got anything to eat? I'm starving.
Some cheese in the fridge.
Once upon a time I was falling in love Now I'm only falling apart Why are you singing Bonnie Tyler? Who knew straight men could be so good at making soap? [LAUGHS.]
Yep.
It's the world we live in.
I thought today might help.
It did.
Do you know what you're going to do? [SIGHS.]
I think I've made enough mess for a while.
Thank you, Al.
Nailed it.
You okay? [SIGHS.]
Somewhat underprepared.
You are going to be a great dad.
Who else buys a teddy bear to practice nappy changing? I've got it to 15 seconds.
[LAUGHS.]
Providing the baby's covered in soft fur, I'll be fine.
[LAUGHS.]
What if I mess everything up? You just won't.
I've got a pretty rich history of making mistakes.
Haven't we all? Hmm.
I suppose so.
These feel integral.
Hmm.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
I'm leaving this place behind And I'm heading out On the road tonight I'm off for the hinterlands Way up north to taught you to stand Before I commence my ride I'm asking Lily to be my bride I know there's another man But he ain't gonna delay my plans I know she's gonna be my wife
Why is this so hard? Because you refuse to look at the instructions? They're in Danish.
Well, just look at the pictures.
Do what the stick men are doing.
My little stick men appear to be having an orgy on a battlefield.
- [SNICKERS.]
- Luke's handiwork.
This is pretty cool, though, building the thing your own kid is gonna be sleeping in.
You see, that makes me anxious.
It's a lot of pressure.
And this is one item on a list longer than my arm.
Hmm.
- It's been a busy time, hasn't it? - It's lot of change.
For all of us.
An absolute shitload of change, as the Dansk say.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Oh, hey.
- Hi.
How's it going, guys? Good, good.
Angus was telling me about the really interesting new cot he's just bought.
Flatpack.
Such a bargain.
It's Danish.
Yeah, I know, sounds like a good one, Angus.
What is it doing in my room? There's a buggy and birthing ball in mine.
- Not sure that answers my question.
- We're stockpiling.
Well, Holly is.
She can't stop buying things.
We've only just had the scan! I don't have the heart to tell her about losing my job.
- Not to mention Helen.
- What's Helen got to do with this? She's clearing me out.
She's hired a divorce lawyer.
He's like a Doberman.
Why don't you get a lawyer, dude? I can't afford a lawyer.
I'm dealing with him direct.
He just sent a settlement of our possessions.
- She wants nearly everything.
- This is criminal.
- A man needs his toothbrush.
- I know! He doesn't need more than one Luther Vandross album.
But which would you choose? She even wants the bonsai tree! I bought that on our honeymoon.
Helen hates it.
She said I bought it because it makes me feel taller.
- What's the stuff marked "miscellaneous"? - Oh, no, that's nothing.
- Sex toys.
- What? [LAUGHS.]
Absolutely not.
- [SIGHS.]
- Uh what are you doing? Nobody ever got what they wanted by saying "please," Angus.
You've got to be cool, detached, menacing.
Menacing.
I can do that.
What you need is a negotiator.
Let me do this for you.
Do you know anything about the law? I know I've seen Erin Brockovich 17 times.
- Well, that's a relief.
- What have you got to lose? Literally everything he owns.
You know what I know about Dobermans, Angus? - They're dogs.
- Well, yes.
- You know what a dog needs? - Pet insurance? No, Angus.
A dog needs a master.
[LAPTOP CHIMES.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hello.
I brought you this.
Thanks.
- I like what you've done with the place.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
[CHUCKLES.]
Luke's sock on the door handle idea turned out not to be foolproof.
- Let's just say he doesn't dim the lights.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- How's it all going? - Fine.
I thought we could talk.
Do we have to? You keep saying that, but I think talking would help.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hi, is Evie here? - Sure, who are - Alex? Hey! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Oh, you look amazing! - What the hell are you doing here? - Alex.
Evie's cousin, Alex? - Dylan? - Oh, God.
Oh What's going on? Uh, we wanted it to be surprise, for your hen party.
[ALEX LAUGHS.]
My what? He spent $2,000 on flights, Dylan.
I'm so sorry.
I planned it ages ago and then with everything, I forgot it was this weekend.
It's fine.
It's honestly fine.
I'll just send you my bank details.
- I'm kidding! - [ALL LAUGHING.]
No, seriously, I'd like you to reimburse me.
Joke! - I don't really like this game.
- I do.
- What's with the blanket? - Okay, Brian made it for you.
But to be honest, I'm not entirely sure it's appropriate now [LUKE.]
"Mal loves Evie.
" It's a traditional wedding gift in his family.
- Wow.
- I know, right? Who else did you invite? Ah, well, um [CLEARS THROAT.]
your sister's away traveling, so Wait, your hen party was gonna be all male? Men parties are the new hen parties, bro.
[DYLAN.]
Evie doesn't have many female friends.
Oh, yeah, and why is that, Dylan? What do you mean? Between you guys, you've slept with every single one of my girlfriends.
- Oh, I haven't.
- Yeah, I meant these two.
No offense.
Not true, inaccurate.
Inaccurate? Uh, what about Jennifer - [SCOFFS AND LAUGHS.]
- Suzanne, Stephanie, Rebecca, Rachel, uh, Louise? - I did not sleep with Louise.
- No.
But you had sex with her older sister at a house party.
Whilst Louise was asleep in the same room.
Touché.
So, what do you have planned? Well, uh, there were gonna be activities.
I'd actually put a lot of thought into it.
Not that it matters now.
It could.
If you didn't cancel anything.
- Are you saying we still do the hen party? - Why not? Have you guys taken her out yet? Since the breakup? Oh, come on! We should be celebrating Evie's decision not to get married.
She almost made a massive mistake, but she didn't.
That deserves formal recognition.
Also, I have two small kids, and I haven't been out past ten p.
m.
since October 2015.
So this is happening, guys.
And it's going to be wild! [ALEX.]
Seriously? Soap-making? I mean, who needs girlfriends? Ooh.
Oh.
Has anyone tried Ylang Ylang? - Apparently, it's very sensual.
- Is that right? Okay, we're wrapping this up.
For everyone's sake.
- What's next, ladies? - I might need to finish this batch Five minutes.
Oh, God! - What? - Helen's lawyers just e-mailed.
He's working on a Saturday.
That's not a good sign, is it? - What did he say? - Helen is furious.
My last e-mail to her was "offensive and personal.
" [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
It's bluster.
Classic lawyer stuff.
You compared Helen to the Terminator.
- Yeah, in a constructive way.
- Oh, and I quote, "The really evil one from Terminator 2, italics, Judgment Day, which is a rare example of a sequel that stands up to the original.
" Greatest film about the human condition ever made.
- They've taken my words out of context.
- Oh, God! They've revised the list.
She wants everything, even stuff she was letting me have.
Everything except the uncontested items.
- What are they? - The stuff neither of us wants.
It's pretty much the only things we 100% definitely agree on.
- Why is my wedding present to you there? - Is it? Well, it must be a mistake.
It's not too early for this, is it? I haven't horribly misjudged it? Oh, no, three p.
m.
is a perfectly normal time to do karaoke.
Ah.
You must be the early booking making me do a 14-hour day.
- She seems nice.
- Yes, she does.
I give great gifts.
It's one of the top five things I'm known for.
I think a samurai kitchen knife set just didn't come in that useful.
Well, those knives came with a display rack.
Rubber sheaths for the blades.
It looked awesome! You're right.
I'll ask for them back.
It's time to sing some power ballads.
For Evie.
Do you know what, guys? I'm not really sure I'm in the mood for karaoke Oh, place your hands On my hope Run your fingers through my soul All right And the way that I feel right now Oh, Lord, it may go Put your hands on Put your hands on But you did, but you did You lied to me All this pain you said I'd never feel You lied to me But I do, but I do, do, do Return of the mack Return of the mack [SINGING IN GERMAN.]
Turn around, bright eyes Every now and then I fall apart Bright eyes Every now and then I fall apart And I need you now tonight And I need you more than ever And if you only hold me tight We'll be holding on forever And we'll only be making it right 'Cause we'll never be wrong Together, we can take it to the end of the line Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time I don't know what to do I'm always in the dark We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks I really need you tonight I really need you tonight Forever's gonna start tonight Forever's gonna start tonight Once upon a time I was falling in love But now I'm only falling apart Nothing I can say A total eclipse of the heart As chief bridesmaids go, he's got a lot of stubble.
[LAUGHS.]
You can't call him that.
Sorry.
Male of honor? That's worse, surely? [CHUCKLES.]
So he's nothing to do with you ending it with Mal? Are you going to tell him? Uh I was really ready to.
But? Everything's just such a mess.
People have been so upset about the wedding.
Like I've ruined their plans or let them down somehow.
People like weddings.
They'll get over it.
I just don't think I should be let loose on any big decisions right now.
Then don't be.
Take your time.
Be single.
Find some space to think.
Why does everything have to be so hard? You want hard? I left my girlfriend so I could raise a family with a man in Texas.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- Can you imagine how well that went down? - Yeah, I remember.
I'm just saying, people get hurt.
But you deserve to be happy.
Um He's with someone.
And she's really nice.
Champagne's complimentary for hen parties.
It looks like the rest is being paid for by somebody called Mal.
Yeah, sorry, that's out of date.
We'd like to pay.
- He left his card details.
- Trust us, lady, he is not going to want to pay for that.
He left a message.
For his fiancée.
- We don't need to hear it.
- I should call him as a courtesy.
We're not actually getting married anymore.
So this isn't a hen party booking? It was a hen party, but now it's just a party.
Sorry, I'm just finding this slightly confusing.
I'm not sure why you're finding it confusing.
We were getting married.
Then I changed my mind.
- What? - Champagne's only free for hen parties.
And this isn't one anymore.
Aww.
So you're gonna have to pay.
Okay? Dyl Dyl Hey, man.
Remember that shirt I got for your birthday last year? Hmm You know, it's sort of dusky pink.
It's very snug fit around the shoulders.
100% silk, actually.
- Does that not fit you? - What do you mean? - I don't ever see you wearing it.
- Oh, yeah - That was great.
That was great.
- Was great? Okay, guys.
The night is young.
What's next? Cheese tasting! [LAUGHING.]
Oh.
You were serious? Oh, bugger! Now Helen wants to take me to court over a bonsai tree.
Yikes.
Law is tougher than I thought.
I might have to jump off this ride, Angus.
- Nice work, Luke.
- Thanks, man.
What do I do now? - Alex, you seem wise.
- Look.
If it matters, fight her for it.
Stand up to her.
You haven't met Helen, dude.
She is a massive bitch.
Or just take it.
You're suggesting we steal the bonsai? Why not? Let's wreak some havoc.
- Okay.
What about Helen? - She's not home.
It wouldn't actually be stealing, would it? Taking something that already belongs to me.
I still have the receipt.
Plus, it's a bonsai tree.
She probably wouldn't even notice.
Let's fucking do this! Just to be clear, shall I cancel the cheese tasting? Guys? - She's definitely not in, is she? - No.
She's out to dinner with her parents.
She just posted a video of her dad shouting at the waiter.
Shit, Angus.
This place is amazing.
How come you never invited us here? Helen didn't think it was appropriate.
How do we do this? Okay.
I'm just spitballing here, but I think I can shimmy up that eucalyptus tree, inch along that ledge, drop in through the window, commando-style.
Ha ha! - Or we could just use my keys.
- Oh, fucking bastard.
I can't believe it.
She changed the locks.
This is outrageous.
Luke, commando style? Yeah, it's actually quite a lot higher than I thought.
Any other way in? - [WINDOW SLIDES.]
- [GROANS.]
She always leaves the bathroom window open to circulate the air.
Has issues with her toilet aroma.
She's quite sensitive about it, actually.
"Toilet aroma"? - [YELPS.]
- [CLATTERING.]
I'm okay! [LUKE LAUGHS.]
Ooh-ooh-ooh! Sorry, guys.
Socks only.
Helen doesn't like outdoor feet on the carpet.
Helen's got some really big shoes.
Okay, everyone keep your eyes peeled for a samurai knife set.
That's not really a flower, is it? Of course it's a flower.
Right.
Where is this little guy? What the fuck is that? [ANGUS.]
Beautiful, isn't she? Bonsai trees don't get that big, Angus.
Yes, they do, Evie.
Ergo You do realize this is an outdoor bonsai? - Is that a cast iron pot? - Correct.
Are those rocks in the base? Have you given a single thought to how we're gonna get this out of here? We'll be able to lift it, won't we? The lads.
The bloody lads.
[ALEX.]
Last time I looked, you guys weren't winning any Ironman competitions.
Maybe we should move that table to clear a path.
[EVIE.]
Who's the guy in the photos? My old schoolmate, Jamie.
He was at the wedding, remember? He was one of the ushers.
He was on the stag.
He did that little dance with his trousers down and then fell off the roof.
[LAUGHS.]
Seriously? Um How are you thinking of getting that home? What? I mean, after you lifted the incredibly heavy tree out of the corner, across the room, down the hallway and out the front door, how are you thinking of getting it all the way to the flat? We could borrow Helen's car.
I'm really sorry about today.
Don't be.
Alex coming is just about the nicest thing that's happened in a really long time.
It just doesn't feel right, you sleeping on the sofa.
I don't mind, really.
I want you to have my room, and I'll stay with Abigail.
Just until you find somewhere else.
That is really kind of you, but, honestly, I'll be moved on soon.
Then you won't need it for long.
- Do you not think Abigail will mind? - She'd want to help.
She really likes you.
Thank you.
[CAR ALARM CHIMES.]
- Is the window really the best idea? - Yeah.
I think gravity's going to help us.
It's the pot.
I think if we can separate the two, we'll be in business.
[TELEPHONE RINGING.]
- Has everyone got their phones? - Maybe Dylan or Evie left theirs? [PHONE VIBRATING.]
[VIBRATING CONTINUES.]
What's behind that door, Angus? It's just a cupboard.
Oh, my God.
Helen's in the cupboard.
- We've got to get out of here.
- Fuck that.
No, no, no, no, no.
[ANGUS WHIMPERS.]
- Found it.
- [ANGUS.]
Jamie? - What are you doing here? - Looking for my phone.
No, I mean, in my house.
I was just passing.
I was desperate for the toilet.
- But you're in a cupboard.
- I was hiding.
I thought you were burglars.
You said you were looking for your phone.
- Did I? - How do you have keys? I found them.
So just to recap, you needed the toilet and happened to be passing when you found some keys, let yourself in and lost your phone in a cupboard.
Yeah, that is starting to sound a lot like bullshit.
If you're gonna beat me, could we steer clear of the face? It's just, I've got a short presentation tomorrow.
[PHONE VIBRATING.]
It's Helen.
She'll keep ringing if you don't answer.
- You didn't hang around, did you? - It's not what you think.
Okay, it is what you think.
- After you and that stripper - Her name's Holly.
After that.
I called Helen, just as a friend.
She was so upset.
And then we met up.
And then we met up again.
And - And then you stayed.
- No one planned it.
Oh, well, that's okay, then.
Please leave the tree.
[LAUGHS.]
She will never forgive me if I let you take it.
- But she hates it.
- It doesn't matter.
It's all your things.
There's boxes and boxes just sitting there.
Maybe once it's gone, you're gone.
- I don't think that's the case.
- She's not in a good place, Angus.
I think we should leave.
I'll take good care of it for you.
The tree.
I promise.
I hope you treat Helen better than I did.
Actually, you haven't seen a samurai kitchen knife set? About yea big, quite pointy? You got new stuff to own now, Angus.
You know, with Holly.
- What about the tree? - We're leaving it.
All of it.
It's enough to say you're getting old Every day [LUKE SIGHS.]
Keep it.
They're triple-folded steel, Angus.
How can you not like these? The thing is, Luke, you do buy really good gifts.
Just not for other people.
Yeah.
I wonder if Dylan's still got that silk shirt.
[LAUGHS.]
Konichiwa.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
I haven't had a booty call since uni.
Well, you gotta stay young somehow.
Do you mind? Actually, it is a little bit of a problem you coming over all the time.
Maybe I shouldn't give you these.
Is this so you can get me to pay half your rent? Yep.
And also, buzzing you in all the time is exhausting.
You smell like lavender.
What? [CHUCKLES.]
You look so pleased.
Got anything to eat? I'm starving.
Some cheese in the fridge.
Once upon a time I was falling in love Now I'm only falling apart Why are you singing Bonnie Tyler? Who knew straight men could be so good at making soap? [LAUGHS.]
Yep.
It's the world we live in.
I thought today might help.
It did.
Do you know what you're going to do? [SIGHS.]
I think I've made enough mess for a while.
Thank you, Al.
Nailed it.
You okay? [SIGHS.]
Somewhat underprepared.
You are going to be a great dad.
Who else buys a teddy bear to practice nappy changing? I've got it to 15 seconds.
[LAUGHS.]
Providing the baby's covered in soft fur, I'll be fine.
[LAUGHS.]
What if I mess everything up? You just won't.
I've got a pretty rich history of making mistakes.
Haven't we all? Hmm.
I suppose so.
These feel integral.
Hmm.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
I'm leaving this place behind And I'm heading out On the road tonight I'm off for the hinterlands Way up north to taught you to stand Before I commence my ride I'm asking Lily to be my bride I know there's another man But he ain't gonna delay my plans I know she's gonna be my wife