Marvel's Guardians Of The Galaxy (2015) s03e14 Episode Script

Black Vortex (Part 1)

1 [Quill.]
Okay.
The good news is, we saved the shrunken Kree home world, which is expanding back to its normal size.
The bad news [computer.]
Self-destruct in two minutes.
is fairly self-explanatory.
This is it, everyone.
[clicks.]
Peter, wait.
Did you see that mirror - in the weapons vault? - You mind, Gamora? I'm trying to spend my final moments in this galaxy with some mid-'70s one-hit wonders.
They might not have to be your final moments.
That mirror is called the Black Vortex.
Thanos said it was an indestructible prison.
Drax approves of indestructible.
Yeah, well, Rocket don't approve of no prison.
- I am Groot.
- Good point, bud.
Ain't a prison in the galaxy I can't escape.
The thing is, this prison isn't exactly in the galaxy.
[alarm continues blaring.]
[Quill.]
I don't know, Gamora.
This thing looks, like, super evil.
- Self-destruct in 15 seconds.
- Who am I to judge? Everyone hold hands so we don't get separated.
I am Groot! [yells.]
[yells.]
[birds twittering.]
[twittering.]
[yawns.]
Wha Where am I? [bird twittering.]
[animals chittering softly.]
[twittering.]
Good morning, Princess Gamora.
[screams.]
[animals clamoring.]
- Aah! - Oh, the horror! [exhales.]
[birds twittering.]
[yells.]
Don't be scared, Princess Gamora.
It's just us friendly woodland critters.
- You can talk? - [laughing.]
Of course I can.
Every-birdie here can talk.
[birds twittering.]
- Huh? - Ugh! - Groot.
Quill! - A quill, like a feather? [gasps.]
If you need a feather, Princess, you can have one of mine! But what's a "Gwoot"? [giggles.]
Groot and Quill are two of my friends.
They were with me just a minute ago.
There's no-bunny here but us.
[giggling.]
[gasps.]
My comm link! And my blade! Where are they? Golly, I haven't seen anything like that around here.
- Have you, Lopsy? - Uh-uh.
I need my gear to find my friends, so whatever game you weird creatures are playing, I don't have time for it.
Go on! Shoo! [animals clamoring.]
[whimpering.]
[sighs.]
We're sorry, Princess.
Don't be upset.
Yeah.
Bad things happen when you're not happy, Princess.
You wouldn't like me when I'm sad.
I know what will perk you up.
Every-birdie knows you can't go wrong when you start your day out with a song! [animals.]
Oh, it's time to sing the No singing, please! [animals groan.]
Look, I'm not whoever you think I am.
I'm not a princess, and I definitely do not sing.
Well, of course you're a princess, silly.
Your father Thanos ruled a whole planet! Plus you've got a wicked stepsister.
- And such beautiful flowing hair.
- Really? No! I don't have time for this.
[animals groan.]
You're trying to distract me.
I have to find my gear so I can look for my friends.
Maybe if you cleaned the place up, you'll find what you're looking for, Princess.
I don't clean up after people.
I save the galaxy, and people clean up after me! Oh, you'll never find your things with that attitude.
- Come on, Princess! - Ugh! Fine.
[animals whistling.]
[groans.]
It's time to sing the whistling song The whistling song, the whistling song When we all pitch in, it won't take long [groans.]
If we sing the whistling song [Gamora approaching.]
[animals.]
It's time to sing the whistling song The whistling song, the whistling song When we all pitch in, it won't take long If we sing the whistling song Why is there so much talk of whistling in a song that's all sung? Don't question it.
Just sing.
You sing to pass the time while you're working.
And you work to give you something to do while you're singing! [groans.]
It's time to sing the whistling song The whistling song, the whistling song When we all pitch in, it won't take long If we sing the whistling song I just cleaned that.
And now you get to clean it again.
Hooray! It's time to sing the whistling song [groans, huffs.]
The whistling song, the whistling song When we all pitch in, it won't take long [gasps.]
If we sing the whistling song [evil chuckle.]
[radio static.]
Hmm? Huh? - Mmm! - Ooh, look what I found.
You vermin stole my comm link! [shatters.]
[comm link chirps.]
Quill! Rocket! Can anyone read me? [static over comm link.]
Where's my blade? [whimpering.]
Uh, I don't know.
[chuckles.]
Maybe if we finish dusting the armoire [squeaks.]
I've done enough cleaning.
Blade or no blade, I'm getting out of here.
A princess can't go out dressed like that.
[groans.]
A princess can dress any way she krutacking pleases.
But I'm not that kind of princess! Come on, Princess! [chatter, laughter.]
[Gamora grunts.]
I said no! [animals gasp.]
But But we worked all night on that dress.
[crying.]
Stop that.
Stop crying.
[crying.]
I told ya you wouldn't like me when I'm sad.
[electricity crackling.]
[yelling.]
[growling.]
[grunts.]
Aw, flarg.
[roaring.]
[animals roaring.]
Look, I don't want to hurt you.
They're not real.
They're not real! [yells.]
[screeching.]
[grunting.]
[screeching.]
[grunts.]
[growling.]
How many of those things are there? [evil bleating.]
[hisses.]
[hissing.]
[screeching.]
[yells.]
[yelling.]
[angry chittering.]
[snarling.]
Yes! Every-bunny, meet the most dangerous princess in the galaxy.
[screeching, growling.]
[growling.]
[grunts.]
[yells.]
Aaahhh! [angry hissing, chittering.]
[animals growling.]
[owl screeches.]
[clamoring.]
[yells.]
[squeaks.]
[warcry.]
Well, that was sparkly.
But I've got friends to find.
[whistling the whistling song tune.]
What is this place? And why am I so uncomfortable? What sinister horror is this? Drax does not wear sweaters! And what has happened to Groot and the others? And why do I persist in talking to myself? [man.]
A hero? Don't make me laugh! Mark my words, Drax-Man is up to no good, or my name's not J.
Jonah J'Son! Yeah? Well, same to you Mom! [ringer bell on phone dings.]
Drax! Where's my Drax-Man photos? - "Drax-Man"? - Yeah.
Drax-Man.
You know, the elusive, costumed vigilante who sells my papers and pays your rent.
I want fresh, new, incriminating photos of that bare-chested menace on my desk by 4:00! That angry man resembles Quill's father, but that is not possible, for J'Son of Spartax does not have gray hair.
Also, he is not alive.
Hmm.
I suspect that I am actually the costumed adventurer Drax-Man.
[narrator.]
No one suspects that mild-mannered photographer Drax is actually - the costumed adventurer Drax-Man.
- Who said that? The mystery of his amazing double-identity was revealed in issue number 32, "The Secret Origin of Drax-Man!" [squawks.]
I was just in an office.
How did I come to be in this vehicle? Real estate agent/saxophone enthusiast Arthur Douglas was driving home to Burbank from a concert in Las Vegas.
I do not recall this.
Nor do I know the meaning of half of those words.
Suddenly, an alien spacecraft appeared, piloted by the Mad Titan Thanos.
[growls.]
Thanos attacked destroying the vehicle, [evil laughter.]
laughing evilly the whole time.
[evil laughter.]
Although he was thrown clear of the explosion, Douglas was badly injured and barely alive.
- This never happened.
- Stop breaking the fourth wall.
I see no wall to break here, let alone four walls.
[groans.]
[narrator.]
As I was saying, his astral form was pulled from his physical body and instantly transported across the galaxy.
This story seems extremely far-fetched and confusing.
The Eternal Being Kronos gave Douglas a powerful new body, transforming him into the living weapon of vengeance known as Drax-Man.
[yells, grunts.]
How did I get back here? And why do I feel a tingling sensation? Why is the world all blurry? Without warning, Drax-Man's Drax-sense starts tingling, alerting him that an innocent life is in danger somewhere nearby.
Ah, that would explain it.
[gasps.]
Drax-Man! Drax-Man is in the building! Somebody get a camera! Don't just stand there, Drax! Drax-Man is in the building! Go get me those photos! Do I have to do everything myself? Drax-Man.
Great Caesar's ghost, he appeared out of thin air.
Security! Security! Security! For crying out loud, Drax! Drax-Man shows up here twice, and you don't get a single picture? You're fired! [echoing.]
Suddenly remembering that someone is still in danger, Drax ducks into a supply closet.
Uh, Drax ducks into a supply closet.
For a disembodied voice, you are very demanding.
Without a moment to spare, Drax transforms into the incredible Drax-Man [sniffs.]
and springs into action.
Too late.
Drax-Man remembers that he cannot fly.
[clattering.]
[groans.]
[car alarm blaring.]
You could've mentioned that earlier.
[woman.]
Help! Someone, please, help! Give it up, lady.
This is a robbery, not a tug o' war.
[grunts, groans.]
Oh, thank you, Drax-Man! You're a genuine hero, no matter what J.
Jonah J'Son says.
Justice served, Drax-Man basks in the adulation [fans cheering.]
of his grateful but hastily drawn fans.
[cheering, shouting.]
This feels pleasant and very appropriate.
[Gamora on comm link.]
Drax, is that you? Gamora, I can barely hear you.
I can't reach the others.
Something is blocking our comms.
[narrator.]
Unknown to Drax-Man, Gamora is secretly his arch-nemesis.
Every word she said to him was a lie.
[handcuffs clink.]
Not true.
Gamora is my friend.
Drax only believes Gamora is his friend because his memory was erased back in issue number 219.
- I do not remember that! - What did I just say?! [Gamora.]
Drax, listen.
You're in danger.
Wherever you are, get out of there! [narrator.]
Is exactly the sort of thing a lying arch-nemesis would tell our noble hero.
- Gamora, I do not understand.
- [Gamora.]
Run! That I understand.
[thud.]
Ah, this must be the fourth wall you mentioned earlier, and yet Drax did not break it.
[narrator.]
Tricked by his sinister arch-nemesis Gamora, Drax-Man is trapped and faces certain doom.
It appears this fourth wall is about to break Drax! Drax will break the fourth wall before the fourth wall breaks Drax! [narrator.]
Desperate to escape his fate, Drax-Man lands himself in even deeper jeopardy.
He's part of a balanced breakfast.
But can Drax-Man stay crunchy? But Drax does not wish to stay crunchy.
This does not even make sense.
[roars.]
[Gamora on comm link.]
Drax, where are you? I am facing down a very flimsy monster [roars.]
a child with poor eyesight and a puny bookseller.
[machinery whirring.]
This place is becoming very irritating.
[Gamora.]
Easy, Drax.
We have to find a way out of wherever you are.
Tell me what you see.
The machine is printing up copies of a common thief I defeated earlier.
[narrator.]
That's no common thief.
It's the duplicate desperado known as Print-Press Paul.
That is a terrible name.
Oh, like "Drax-Man" is so great? [yelling.]
[sneers.]
Get him, boys! [grunts.]
Yes! [charging yell.]
Drax shall fold, spindle, and staple all who oppose him! But no matter how many Drax-Man defeats, the printing press keeps printing more.
That does not seem fair.
Your villainous machine cannot print without ink.
[grunts.]
Aah! [all whimpering.]
I'm melting! [all yelling.]
What a world! Ha! I have beaten you at your own game, colorful miscreants.
It is possible I did not think this through carefully.
[all yell.]
The branch! [whimpering.]
[Gamora.]
Drax? Drax, what's happening now? [grunts.]
Drax is defeating his foes with the power of art! [narrator.]
As the ink level rises, the all-consuming deluge splashes onto Drax-Man.
Your clever words cannot defeat Drax the Inker, for the pen is mightier than the sword! [laughing.]
[Gamora.]
Wait, Drax.
Was that a metaphor? [narrator.]
Drax is safe for the moment, but the rising ink carries him ever closer to the razor-sharp high-speed fans in the ceiling.
- Uh, what's that supposed to be? - It is a blaster.
Hey, Picasso, don't quit your day job.
You will not defeat me, disembodied voice.
I will use this magical branch to paint something that will silence you for good.
[Gamora.]
Drax, did you say you have a magical branch that can paint anything you want? Yes.
But I cannot seem to paint a serviceable weapon.
Then don't paint a weapon.
Paint a door and get out of there! I would've thought of that, eventually.
[narrator.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Drax.
Drax.
Drax-Man.
Buddy.
Doesn't have to end like this.
If you stay here, this world could be your plaything.
Think about it.
Why would you leave a world where you can paint anything your heart desires? What my heart desires is my friends, and a way out of this unpleasant place.
So I will be leaving now, and doing my own narration.
[paint squelching.]
[yells.]
[Drax narrating.]
And so, Drax the Inker defeats the annoying disembodied voice, takes control of his destiny, and sets off for new adventures.
To be continued.

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