Mission Hill (1999) s01e12 Episode Script
Happy Birthday, Kevin (or Happy Birthday, Douchebag)
Bling-a-blong-a to me Bling-a-blong-a to me For he's a blongee good fellow Which nobody can bling-blong Birthday boy! Birthday boy! Last chance to greet the birthday boy! Take it off, baby! Hello? Oh, what a surprise! l never expected a birthday call five months before my birthday.
Dear, this is Mrs.
French.
Could-- Andy, it's your mother or wife.
-Hello? -Oh, Andy, it's you.
Did you get the birthday check we sent? Yeah, thanks.
Three hundred bucks.
That's the best birthday present you ever gave me.
Oh, for Pete's sake! The $300 was for Kevin's birthday, for his birthday party.
Now, you didn't run out and waste all that money, did you? No.
Of course not.
Good.
We sent it so you could throw Kevin a party like the ones we used to in Briarhurst.
Oh, no.
l'm not gonna march around like an idiot firing chocolate-frosted birthday presents at Kevin's pampered ass.
Language! Your brother, your loving brother, craves consistency.
lt's his first birthday away from home.
And now that he's living with you in some big, strange city it's more important that he be pampered.
-Now, you go out and buy him a cake! -Yeah, with chocolate frosting.
-He's happier with chocolate frosting.
-You invite his little friends.
And you make sure today is the best birthday Kevin has ever had! Well, not off to a great start today but who knows what surprises the big city holds.
Hey! You smashed my porch! That is a fine, expensive porch! Pay me! Hey, pay me, yuppie man! Hey, hey, l'm talking to you! Crazy world, huh? Well, don't let it get you down, son.
l-- Penis, penis, penis.
And one last announcement today.
Happy birthday to honor student Kevin French.
I hope everyone will give Kevin a greeting worthy of one of our hardest-working pupils.
Happy birthday, geek! So now l have to throw that spoiled little creep a party, and l have to pay for it myself.
Why does he need a party? With us, every day is like a party.
l know.
l mean, what makes him think he's so entitled to the royal treatment? Hear ye, hear ye.
King Kevin decrees that all should head to yonder refreshment tent for ye ice cream and ye cake as well as a showing of Ye Empire Strikes Back.
Yay! Holy crap.
l thought it couldn't get any lamer than last year's Care Bears theme.
Break out the Jägermeister, dude.
That'll take your mind off it.
What time are we meeting Hardwick and Rendozo? They borrowed my fake lD, and-- Greetings, royal subjects.
Oh, what's going on? May l come in? What's that you're holding, Andy? Get out of my room, D-bag! Kevin, there you are.
lt's time to cut the cake, sugar bunny.
Andy, l need you to set up the Slip 'n Slide now.
Mom, what do drugs smell like? Dude, l cannot wait to get out of here.
Relax, dude.
Next year, you'll be off at Borchmore and you'll never have to live with Kevin again.
l'll give Kevin a party.
But it'll be on my terms, not his.
l think it's time somebody gave Mr.
Precious-McMollycoddle a harsh lesson in reality.
Clean you off, sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Why can't things be normal like they were back home? Why does everything here have to be crazy and strange? Lovebirds coming through.
Kevin, hi, you wanna come raid an animal-testing lab? Kevin? When we get inside, everyone grab an animal.
Poor little thing.
No one's ever gonna put make-up on you again.
Hey there, friend.
You're going to have a good home now.
No more cruelty, just warm, understanding evenings listening to NPR, going to folk festivals.
You listen to me.
Everything's gonna be okay now.
Oh, Natalie, we left one for you.
Don't feel bad.
l mean, l was always the last pick in kickball myself.
Hey there, birthday boy! Look what l've got for you.
A little cake.
Crappy birthday! Oh, a cake.
Great.
And a present.
What's a birthday without a present, huh, Kevin? TV Word Find.
Super TV Word Find.
See? Hours of fun.
Great.
What's the matter? You're not being snotty, threatening to call Mom -nothing.
-l'm sorry.
You take a lot of fun out of torturing you -when you don't react properly.
-l know.
All right.
What's the matter? lt's just that, back in Briarhurst my birthday was the best day of the whole year! But here in the city, everything is different.
And my birthday sucks.
Look, things change when you get older.
You've gotta lower your expectations a little like me.
Hey, what if l promise to throw you a really great party? -Would that cheer you up? -With a real present and everything? -Everything.
-Thanks, Andy, that means a lot.
l've never been depressed like this before.
Well, welcome to the real world, sucker! Posey, we had a little change of plans.
Oh, l'm sorry.
A birthday cake, huh? ls your brother gay? Potentially.
Better play it safe then.
With this one, you can't tell if it's a man or a woman.
Perfect.
You know, Kevin's gonna love this.
l thought the plan was to torture him.
Yeah, well, that didn't work out.
l'm gonna throw him a really great party instead.
-Okay.
-l've even got the perfect gift.
A new computer game he's been hinting about.
You know, it's weird.
Seeing him so down really made me feel for the little guy.
God, l hope l'm not becoming soft.
You are getting him an ass-cake.
You raided an animal lab and came home with a snake? What about a bunny? Hell, l'd settle for a monkey with a diode in its head.
lt's just for a few days until l can find someone else to take it.
l don't like having a snake in here with the baby.
Carlos, you're being bourgeois.
Remember we agreed that we weren't gonna be typical overprotective parents? Yeah, but l meant for public schools, lnternet access.
Not for boa constrictors.
Calm down, honey.
Snakes are 90 percent herbivorous.
-Can l open my eyes now? -No, l'm naked.
-Now, what does that say about you? -l.
Surprise! lt's party time, my brother, party time Cosmopolis-style.
No balloons, no streamers, no silly themes.
No? Why not? Because those are for suburb kids, and you're a city man! And this city's got more fun than you ever dreamed of! -Did they open a CompUSA? -Just put your coat on.
Andy, l really appreciate the effort but l should've told you l stink at bowling.
Come on.
Give it a try.
l bet you're better than you think.
Yay, Kevin! Hey, everybody, Kevin got a two! -Way to go, Devin.
-Very good job.
Come on, Kevin.
Tenth frame.
Bring it on home.
Let's see a strike.
Oh, now that l've enjoyed a thorough humiliation -would it be okay if we stopped? -Sure, buddy.
Okay, everyone, dinnertime! Kev, you've got nothing to be ashamed of.
Now, that kid, he should be ashamed.
Are you sure the baby's okay? Stop worrying.
l mean, who's the Jew here? The baby is asleep, safe and sound.
lf anything happens, we'll hear it on the baby monitor.
l can't eat this! lt's burned! lt's not burned.
lt's blackened.
What? Anyway, it's too loud to eat.
Why don't they turn the music down so people can have a decent conversation? Jeez, gramps, will you lighten up? Kevin, you're gonna love this.
Ladies and gentlemen, direct from Universal Studios, Florida it's the Blues Brothers 2000! Featuring Justin Belushi and Timothy Aykroyd Williams! -Those aren't the real Blues Brothers.
-Yeah, sorry.
Dan Aykroyd sends his regrets, and John Belushi's been dead for 1 5 years.
Put your hands together for the man with the plan the dude with the 'tude, my officially licensed brother, Jake.
We're on a mission from Andy! To wish you, Kevin French, a happy, rocking birthday! Kevin French, the original Blues-O-Matic 2000.
-Googer geiger? -Yeah.
lt's what you kept saying the first time you got drunk.
l thought that was part of our unspoken past.
That's why l had them write it down.
See, it's supposed to be an ass.
Pretty cool, huh? Oh, yes, it looks very appetizing.
This one is from Posey.
Homeopathic Remedy Number 51 .
Antianxiety.
You can take it right now, Kevin.
lt's very calming.
Oh, splendid.
At least l'm getting one decent present.
So am l a great brother or what? What? What? You got me the Dementoid Expansion Pack.
The Expansion Pack, Andy! l need the game! lf l don't have the game, what am l supposed to expand upon? l knew you were incompetent, but l guess l overestimated you.
All right, that's it.
You know, l busted my ass to throw you a really cool party.
l spent 300 bucks of my own money.
l dragged you and these losers all over town.
And all you do is bitch and whine and pick it apart like you were Truman-McFriggin-Capote! Oh, yeah? Well, maybe l didn't want this kind of party! -Back home-- -Shut up! l'm out of here.
Happy birthday, douchebag.
You're not a D-bag, Kevin.
Definitely not.
Can l borrow the Expansion Pack? l already have Dementoid.
In the next hour.
That party is officially over.
Hey.
Too bad you missed the best part of the night.
Yes.
l got up and sang with the band.
And Justin Belushi ate half our ass-cake.
How'd Kevin like that? l don't know.
He left right after you did.
Really? Kevin? Oh, little Lord Fartleroy, are you back? Cold.
He hasn't been here for hours.
-Where is he? -We thought he'd be here.
Yes, the last thing he said was that he was going home.
Home, huh? Natalie! Wake up! The snake ate the baby! Screw activism! That slimy bastard's gonna die! This is the train to Briarhurst making all local stops in Briarhurst Bay, Briarhurst Park Briarhurst Metro Plaza West and Briarhurst Manor.
This is Briarhurst.
Gus, your hands are freezing.
l think your skin condition is coming back.
Can you believe someone left these brownies on the subway? Can you believe someone left these brownies on the subway? Stop that snake! The one that sounds like a baby? Pinche snake you're gonna make enough boots for my whole family.
Give me back my baby! What the hell? lt's just the monitor.
Oh, l knew that wasn't an evil snake.
Yes, you can tell from his eyes that he has a good heart and-- He did look pretty friendly.
Hey! Will somebody help me off this flagpole? Hey, where is the snake? Looks like we have a new pet.
Yeah, okay.
After all that time in the lab, l guess he could use a little love.
You have no idea the kind of cruelty these animals endure.
-Home? -Yeah.
Birthday cake? l got it at the same supermarket Mom and Dad always used to get mine.
Super Pig on FDR Parkway.
lt's Ronald Reagan Parkway now.
This cake isn't as good as l remember.
Nothing out here is as good as l remember.
Not even home.
Well, you've got a new home now anyway.
Maybe you're right.
-Cake? -Sure.
How about something to wash it down with? You kept alcohol in your room? Among other things.
Drinking liquor in the house, eh? -What would Mom and Dad say? -Who cares? They're not around to say anything.
How many times did Dad bust me for this, huh? No TV for a week, young man.
l'm peeing in the shower! Hey, everybody, l'm peeing in the shower! Oh, what next? Shall we slam the door? Waste water? Put our feet on the coffee table? Small potatoes, my friend.
l want you to pick the one thing you would never ever do in this house when Mom and Dad were here.
Masturbation excluded, because l already know you're a pro.
Well, there is one thing.
Are you sure? All right.
Here goes.
-Bite me, Mother! -Freeze! Oh, God! l knew this was a bad idea! Please don't call our parents! l'll clean the shower.
l'll pay the electric bill.
l didn't mean to swear.
He made me do it! -French? -Hardwick? Rendozo? -ls that you? -Dude! Yeah.
What are you dudes doing here? Well, we're sort of having a party.
What are you guys doing? Well, the neighbors complained about noise coming from this house.
But screw them, we love to party! Yeah, the shift goes a lot faster when you're drunk, eh? Dude, l'm gonna get on the horn and round up some supplies.
Yeah, and get the blender from the trunk.
Two birthday parties in one night.
Think you can handle it? Mom and Dad never did that for me.
Thanks.
Hey, Mr.
Beyger-Byger's back.
Mr.
Beyger-Byger? Nothing.
lt's a stupid story.
You don't wanna hear it.
Sure you do.
See, this dude was totally out of control! One night he drank so much, he could hardly speak.
He started flipping around on the floor like a fish.
He started eating out of the dog bowl.
And he barfed.
He was like: The name just kind of stuck, you know? [ENGLlSH.]
Dear, this is Mrs.
French.
Could-- Andy, it's your mother or wife.
-Hello? -Oh, Andy, it's you.
Did you get the birthday check we sent? Yeah, thanks.
Three hundred bucks.
That's the best birthday present you ever gave me.
Oh, for Pete's sake! The $300 was for Kevin's birthday, for his birthday party.
Now, you didn't run out and waste all that money, did you? No.
Of course not.
Good.
We sent it so you could throw Kevin a party like the ones we used to in Briarhurst.
Oh, no.
l'm not gonna march around like an idiot firing chocolate-frosted birthday presents at Kevin's pampered ass.
Language! Your brother, your loving brother, craves consistency.
lt's his first birthday away from home.
And now that he's living with you in some big, strange city it's more important that he be pampered.
-Now, you go out and buy him a cake! -Yeah, with chocolate frosting.
-He's happier with chocolate frosting.
-You invite his little friends.
And you make sure today is the best birthday Kevin has ever had! Well, not off to a great start today but who knows what surprises the big city holds.
Hey! You smashed my porch! That is a fine, expensive porch! Pay me! Hey, pay me, yuppie man! Hey, hey, l'm talking to you! Crazy world, huh? Well, don't let it get you down, son.
l-- Penis, penis, penis.
And one last announcement today.
Happy birthday to honor student Kevin French.
I hope everyone will give Kevin a greeting worthy of one of our hardest-working pupils.
Happy birthday, geek! So now l have to throw that spoiled little creep a party, and l have to pay for it myself.
Why does he need a party? With us, every day is like a party.
l know.
l mean, what makes him think he's so entitled to the royal treatment? Hear ye, hear ye.
King Kevin decrees that all should head to yonder refreshment tent for ye ice cream and ye cake as well as a showing of Ye Empire Strikes Back.
Yay! Holy crap.
l thought it couldn't get any lamer than last year's Care Bears theme.
Break out the Jägermeister, dude.
That'll take your mind off it.
What time are we meeting Hardwick and Rendozo? They borrowed my fake lD, and-- Greetings, royal subjects.
Oh, what's going on? May l come in? What's that you're holding, Andy? Get out of my room, D-bag! Kevin, there you are.
lt's time to cut the cake, sugar bunny.
Andy, l need you to set up the Slip 'n Slide now.
Mom, what do drugs smell like? Dude, l cannot wait to get out of here.
Relax, dude.
Next year, you'll be off at Borchmore and you'll never have to live with Kevin again.
l'll give Kevin a party.
But it'll be on my terms, not his.
l think it's time somebody gave Mr.
Precious-McMollycoddle a harsh lesson in reality.
Clean you off, sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Why can't things be normal like they were back home? Why does everything here have to be crazy and strange? Lovebirds coming through.
Kevin, hi, you wanna come raid an animal-testing lab? Kevin? When we get inside, everyone grab an animal.
Poor little thing.
No one's ever gonna put make-up on you again.
Hey there, friend.
You're going to have a good home now.
No more cruelty, just warm, understanding evenings listening to NPR, going to folk festivals.
You listen to me.
Everything's gonna be okay now.
Oh, Natalie, we left one for you.
Don't feel bad.
l mean, l was always the last pick in kickball myself.
Hey there, birthday boy! Look what l've got for you.
A little cake.
Crappy birthday! Oh, a cake.
Great.
And a present.
What's a birthday without a present, huh, Kevin? TV Word Find.
Super TV Word Find.
See? Hours of fun.
Great.
What's the matter? You're not being snotty, threatening to call Mom -nothing.
-l'm sorry.
You take a lot of fun out of torturing you -when you don't react properly.
-l know.
All right.
What's the matter? lt's just that, back in Briarhurst my birthday was the best day of the whole year! But here in the city, everything is different.
And my birthday sucks.
Look, things change when you get older.
You've gotta lower your expectations a little like me.
Hey, what if l promise to throw you a really great party? -Would that cheer you up? -With a real present and everything? -Everything.
-Thanks, Andy, that means a lot.
l've never been depressed like this before.
Well, welcome to the real world, sucker! Posey, we had a little change of plans.
Oh, l'm sorry.
A birthday cake, huh? ls your brother gay? Potentially.
Better play it safe then.
With this one, you can't tell if it's a man or a woman.
Perfect.
You know, Kevin's gonna love this.
l thought the plan was to torture him.
Yeah, well, that didn't work out.
l'm gonna throw him a really great party instead.
-Okay.
-l've even got the perfect gift.
A new computer game he's been hinting about.
You know, it's weird.
Seeing him so down really made me feel for the little guy.
God, l hope l'm not becoming soft.
You are getting him an ass-cake.
You raided an animal lab and came home with a snake? What about a bunny? Hell, l'd settle for a monkey with a diode in its head.
lt's just for a few days until l can find someone else to take it.
l don't like having a snake in here with the baby.
Carlos, you're being bourgeois.
Remember we agreed that we weren't gonna be typical overprotective parents? Yeah, but l meant for public schools, lnternet access.
Not for boa constrictors.
Calm down, honey.
Snakes are 90 percent herbivorous.
-Can l open my eyes now? -No, l'm naked.
-Now, what does that say about you? -l.
Surprise! lt's party time, my brother, party time Cosmopolis-style.
No balloons, no streamers, no silly themes.
No? Why not? Because those are for suburb kids, and you're a city man! And this city's got more fun than you ever dreamed of! -Did they open a CompUSA? -Just put your coat on.
Andy, l really appreciate the effort but l should've told you l stink at bowling.
Come on.
Give it a try.
l bet you're better than you think.
Yay, Kevin! Hey, everybody, Kevin got a two! -Way to go, Devin.
-Very good job.
Come on, Kevin.
Tenth frame.
Bring it on home.
Let's see a strike.
Oh, now that l've enjoyed a thorough humiliation -would it be okay if we stopped? -Sure, buddy.
Okay, everyone, dinnertime! Kev, you've got nothing to be ashamed of.
Now, that kid, he should be ashamed.
Are you sure the baby's okay? Stop worrying.
l mean, who's the Jew here? The baby is asleep, safe and sound.
lf anything happens, we'll hear it on the baby monitor.
l can't eat this! lt's burned! lt's not burned.
lt's blackened.
What? Anyway, it's too loud to eat.
Why don't they turn the music down so people can have a decent conversation? Jeez, gramps, will you lighten up? Kevin, you're gonna love this.
Ladies and gentlemen, direct from Universal Studios, Florida it's the Blues Brothers 2000! Featuring Justin Belushi and Timothy Aykroyd Williams! -Those aren't the real Blues Brothers.
-Yeah, sorry.
Dan Aykroyd sends his regrets, and John Belushi's been dead for 1 5 years.
Put your hands together for the man with the plan the dude with the 'tude, my officially licensed brother, Jake.
We're on a mission from Andy! To wish you, Kevin French, a happy, rocking birthday! Kevin French, the original Blues-O-Matic 2000.
-Googer geiger? -Yeah.
lt's what you kept saying the first time you got drunk.
l thought that was part of our unspoken past.
That's why l had them write it down.
See, it's supposed to be an ass.
Pretty cool, huh? Oh, yes, it looks very appetizing.
This one is from Posey.
Homeopathic Remedy Number 51 .
Antianxiety.
You can take it right now, Kevin.
lt's very calming.
Oh, splendid.
At least l'm getting one decent present.
So am l a great brother or what? What? What? You got me the Dementoid Expansion Pack.
The Expansion Pack, Andy! l need the game! lf l don't have the game, what am l supposed to expand upon? l knew you were incompetent, but l guess l overestimated you.
All right, that's it.
You know, l busted my ass to throw you a really cool party.
l spent 300 bucks of my own money.
l dragged you and these losers all over town.
And all you do is bitch and whine and pick it apart like you were Truman-McFriggin-Capote! Oh, yeah? Well, maybe l didn't want this kind of party! -Back home-- -Shut up! l'm out of here.
Happy birthday, douchebag.
You're not a D-bag, Kevin.
Definitely not.
Can l borrow the Expansion Pack? l already have Dementoid.
In the next hour.
That party is officially over.
Hey.
Too bad you missed the best part of the night.
Yes.
l got up and sang with the band.
And Justin Belushi ate half our ass-cake.
How'd Kevin like that? l don't know.
He left right after you did.
Really? Kevin? Oh, little Lord Fartleroy, are you back? Cold.
He hasn't been here for hours.
-Where is he? -We thought he'd be here.
Yes, the last thing he said was that he was going home.
Home, huh? Natalie! Wake up! The snake ate the baby! Screw activism! That slimy bastard's gonna die! This is the train to Briarhurst making all local stops in Briarhurst Bay, Briarhurst Park Briarhurst Metro Plaza West and Briarhurst Manor.
This is Briarhurst.
Gus, your hands are freezing.
l think your skin condition is coming back.
Can you believe someone left these brownies on the subway? Can you believe someone left these brownies on the subway? Stop that snake! The one that sounds like a baby? Pinche snake you're gonna make enough boots for my whole family.
Give me back my baby! What the hell? lt's just the monitor.
Oh, l knew that wasn't an evil snake.
Yes, you can tell from his eyes that he has a good heart and-- He did look pretty friendly.
Hey! Will somebody help me off this flagpole? Hey, where is the snake? Looks like we have a new pet.
Yeah, okay.
After all that time in the lab, l guess he could use a little love.
You have no idea the kind of cruelty these animals endure.
-Home? -Yeah.
Birthday cake? l got it at the same supermarket Mom and Dad always used to get mine.
Super Pig on FDR Parkway.
lt's Ronald Reagan Parkway now.
This cake isn't as good as l remember.
Nothing out here is as good as l remember.
Not even home.
Well, you've got a new home now anyway.
Maybe you're right.
-Cake? -Sure.
How about something to wash it down with? You kept alcohol in your room? Among other things.
Drinking liquor in the house, eh? -What would Mom and Dad say? -Who cares? They're not around to say anything.
How many times did Dad bust me for this, huh? No TV for a week, young man.
l'm peeing in the shower! Hey, everybody, l'm peeing in the shower! Oh, what next? Shall we slam the door? Waste water? Put our feet on the coffee table? Small potatoes, my friend.
l want you to pick the one thing you would never ever do in this house when Mom and Dad were here.
Masturbation excluded, because l already know you're a pro.
Well, there is one thing.
Are you sure? All right.
Here goes.
-Bite me, Mother! -Freeze! Oh, God! l knew this was a bad idea! Please don't call our parents! l'll clean the shower.
l'll pay the electric bill.
l didn't mean to swear.
He made me do it! -French? -Hardwick? Rendozo? -ls that you? -Dude! Yeah.
What are you dudes doing here? Well, we're sort of having a party.
What are you guys doing? Well, the neighbors complained about noise coming from this house.
But screw them, we love to party! Yeah, the shift goes a lot faster when you're drunk, eh? Dude, l'm gonna get on the horn and round up some supplies.
Yeah, and get the blender from the trunk.
Two birthday parties in one night.
Think you can handle it? Mom and Dad never did that for me.
Thanks.
Hey, Mr.
Beyger-Byger's back.
Mr.
Beyger-Byger? Nothing.
lt's a stupid story.
You don't wanna hear it.
Sure you do.
See, this dude was totally out of control! One night he drank so much, he could hardly speak.
He started flipping around on the floor like a fish.
He started eating out of the dog bowl.
And he barfed.
He was like: The name just kind of stuck, you know? [ENGLlSH.]