Mixed-ish (2019) s01e09 Episode Script
Papa Don't Preach
1 BOW: My parents did everything normal parents did.
And when the prince finally climbed the tower, the princess said, "Thanks, buddy, but I don't need your help.
" "And from that day on, they shared responsibilities and lived happily and equally ever after.
" Psych! My parents always had to be as progressive as possible.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi! Guess what.
We were approached at the mall by a stranger.
- What? - At first, I thought it was a kidnapping, because look at me.
It was a recruiter for a beauty pageant, and they want us to be in it.
Which also makes sense, because look at me.
DENISE: So clear your schedule, sis.
- The prize is $40.
- ALICIA: Mm.
I'm-a need my cut.
[Scoffs.]
Why would you assume Alicia would take them? Yeah, just because I'm a woman, I'm the only one who can take girls to a pageant? What is this, 1983? This may be new to you, but we don't make decisions - based on gender.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, back on the commune, it was a gender-neutral - So you not coming? - No.
I'm taking Johan to test for his white belt in karate.
You guys are letting a woman take him to a dojo? [Sighs.]
Which one of you did the breastfeeding? Depends on which kid.
[Exhales sharply.]
In the mix Oh, oh, oh, they keep trying But they can't stop us 'Cause we got a love That keeps rising up In the mix Life turns around 'Round and 'round it goes Ooh, it's a mixed-up world Ooh, it's a mixed-up And that's for sure Mixed-up In the mix Baby We're gonna get by We're gonna On our own, side by side Love's all we need to be free Lo-o-o-ve is all I got you, you got me Yaaaaay us! I-I-In the mix Yaaaaay us! I-I-In the mix-ish So, she's taking your son to the dojo and you're taking the girls to the pageant? You don't see gender, we know you don't see race, and, uh, based on that shirt, you obviously don't see fashion.
[Chuckles.]
We see humanity.
We see the good in everyone.
Even you.
Then I'm sending the wrong signals.
Look, you can't ignore gender.
There's a boys' bathroom and a girls' bathroom.
And as long as there is breath in my lungs, there will never be a third option.
In his defense, Granddad died before there was a third option.
At least you're finally letting the girls do something girly! This is gonna be so fun, sis! Again, Paul's taking them.
But I don't like Paul.
Look, sometimes girls need their moms instead of their dads.
Why would we listen to either of you? - Mm.
- You don't even have kids.
- That I know of.
- Mm.
And do you really think you did a good job raising Paul? I'm sorry.
Just I was trying to hurt Harrison.
Did I hurt you? Can't hurt me.
I'm woman-proof.
- She hurt you.
- Mm-hmm.
I can't believe we're going to be in a beauty pageant.
Are you sure that lady wasn't just talking to me? If you're wondering why this pageant thing was so exciting to me, it's because my progressive parents didn't want us girls to be raised to only value our looks.
- Aww! - ALICIA: Ohh! Don't you look smart.
Like a woman who knows how to balance her own checkbook.
I understand where they were coming from now, but when I was 12, I just wanted to feel pretty.
What if I win? Against me? [Laughing.]
And people wonder why we aren't close.
[Laughing continues.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
RAINBOW: Wow.
Everyone's so glamorous.
If I ever run away from home to come here, don't try and find me.
Hold on.
Wait a second.
Aren't all these girls a little young to be wearing makeup? Paul, it's a beauty pageant.
Yeah, but what about natural beauty? Or inner beauty? Right, 'cause men buy the Swimsuit Issue for the natural beauty.
I'm just saying, you'd never catch Eleanor Roosevelt or Susan B.
Anthony prancing around in a swimsuit.
Imagine where their careers would've gone if they had.
I just don't want to teach my daughters that beauty defines their self-worth.
Pageants are a good thing.
I did a few myself back in high school.
I even won Miss Black Awareness 1960.
- [Camera shutter clicks.]
- It helped me break out of my shell.
I learned poise, confidence, and presence.
It was a springboard to my career in aerospace.
- Aerospace? - Mm-hmm.
- You're a baggage handler.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, I'll just keep my mouth shut, but this just doesn't feel like the kind of thing my daughters should be doing.
Pageants are for pretty people.
You wouldn't understand.
Well Wow, with a name like Bob Lee, I was expecting him to be a [Vocalizing Asian music.]
Harrison, you can't say that.
The proper term is "Oriental.
" Saying "Oriental" in 1985 was actually "woke.
" [Yells.]
Honestly, the hardest part of karate is staying humble.
It is a constant struggle not to let it go to your head that you are the baddest man in every room.
For example I could destroy that man right there easily.
I wouldn't even break a sweat.
And I would take parts of him home in my pocket.
- Do you know if they offer adult classes? - Mm.
When I am done training you boys, you will have to clean your rooms out of respect, because your fathers won't be strong enough to make you.
[Laughs.]
Hyah! Now, who's ready to break some boards?! Johan, you're up.
Here we go.
Sir, yes, sir! [Exhales sharply.]
[Grunts.]
Again! [Grunts.]
Is your hand broken? I hope not.
Then again! [Grunts.]
[Crying.]
[Sighs.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? You can't cry in the dojo.
Of course he can.
He can cry wherever he wants.
It's okay.
Let it out.
No.
Leave it in.
Don't you make him feel bad about expressing himself.
No, no, trust me.
I'm not gonna make him feel bad.
They are.
[Laughter.]
[Sniffles.]
[Duran Duran's "Girls on Film" plays.]
DENISE: Isn't this exciting? Santamonica just learned to put Vaseline on her teeth.
What What does that do? So you don't get stick-lip.
You know when your lips stick to your teeth from smiling so much.
Do you even hear yourself? Woman complain about getting body complexes and eating disorders from beauty magazines.
Where do you think all that starts? I don't know, but you should get a better attitude.
One of these girls is gonna grow up to be your stepmom.
Girls on film Girls on film Girls on film My dad might have hated it, but I was so excited to be part of this new world even though I didn't know what I was doing.
She gets it from her auntie.
I was Miss Black Awareness 1960.
But you knew that already.
[Sighs.]
Hey, look.
DENISE: Oh, good job, baby.
Ooh! Look at her walk! Wait, wait.
T-That's an accomplishment in this place? Walking? Great job, honey! Walk on those stick shoes that some man invented to keep women from running away! Sir, is there a problem? You know what? There is.
What are you teaching these girls? Um, to love themselves and their community? Ah, a community that glorifies unrealistic beauty standards and superficial talents? Let me guess, you think dancing with a ribbon is a talent but science isn't a talent.
Because it's not a talent.
You can't watch science.
- [Scoffs.]
- Exactly! "Ooh! Science just went on tour.
Can you get me backstage to meet science?" How am I the only person here who cares about women? You know, my daughters don't belong here.
Santi, Rainbow, we're leaving.
Uh, okay I did not want to go, but maybe my Dad was right.
Maybe this wasn't for me.
If you want me to leave, you're gonna have to drag me out kicking and screaming.
No! No! No! No! No! Hey, this isn't my dad! [Grunting.]
I don't know who this man is! [Laughs.]
[Grunting.]
Put me down! I parented my butt off today.
Baby, you married a triple threat father, husband, white.
You don't tell Denise these things, do you? Actually, I got that from her.
Yeah.
How did karate go? I don't know if I should be the one taking Johan.
What do you think about swapping out? I don't understand.
Where's this coming from? I already have to deal with your dad at work.
I don't know if I can handle him on the weekends, too.
Oh, baby, don't let him get to you with his "boys-only tree house" garbage.
We know what we're doing.
Raising our kids the commune way is just as good as any other way.
Honestly, probably a little better.
Mm.
Yeah.
- Maybe you're right.
- Yeah.
And they still don't know what they're talking about.
I mean, did Denise have a kid in the last few hours? Yeah.
Did your dad go back in time and raise you right? - Yeah, see, that's - Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
I have to find a better way to make fun of your father.
Yeah.
Okay, everyone saw you cry, so bullies are coming.
You know what a bully is? Assume I don't know what anything is.
A bully is someone who's going to punch you for being different.
Like, you know, with the glasses or having that hair.
But don't worry.
It sounds like I should worry.
No.
The good news is, getting bullied will give you the drive to be rich.
So, while he's kicking you, cover up and then think about what you're going to invent.
A car made of cheese.
So you can eat on long trips.
You're gonna need a really big bully.
[Chuckles.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't tell him that.
Relax.
You won't be bullied.
But just in case, if anything happens, you need to fight back with the one thing that is stronger than your fists.
A sword? No, your love.
If they bully you, fight their hate by loving them.
Just like Dr.
King or Gandhi would have.
Yeah, because everything worked out so well for them.
[Sighs.]
All right, I know you two are really into that whole pageant thing, but I found something so much better Rover Girls! What year was this from? Oh, Santi, come on.
Those pageant types, they're not our kind of people.
They're shallow and superficial.
But Rover Girls? These girls are smart, like you.
Are you talking to the both of us? Yes.
Both of you will love it.
Rover girls do science and community service, and they prepare you to be upstanding young women.
Didn't you say uniforms were fascist? Yeah, but these are cute.
[Grunts.]
Ohhh.
So much anger.
Okay.
[Indistinct conversations.]
A husband who looks like you and pours you wine? How do I make a trade? [Laughter.]
Hold on.
You all actually find him attractive? Uh, ladies, I want to welcome all of you and your strong, independent daughters to our home.
Now, today, the girls can earn all sorts of badges to help them become well-rounded women.
So, girls, let's start building your futures! [Girls laugh.]
Come on.
It's gonna be amazing! I can see myself building a future with him.
Ohh.
I'm sorry.
Can you point to what part of his face does it for you? Because I really don't see it.
Mm.
There's the beef.
Y'all are nasty.
[T La Rock's "He's Incredible!" plays.]
[Rapping.]
Passion fills the air These were totally the kind of smart girls I felt comfortable around.
It felt like Dad was right.
His cuts are quick to the bass drum kick [Record scratching.]
He's just incredible Kick it, kick it Kick it [Gasps.]
I see a blue jay! [Gasps.]
I see a family I'd rather live with! Fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh Hey, sweetheart.
What's got you down? I wish I were kidnapped.
Okay, you know what? That's enough.
Maybe it's time you go to your room and not come out until you find a better attitude.
Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Apparently, these moms think you're a "hot dad.
" I don't get it, but they have been drinking a lot of wine.
What can I say? Triple threat.
Go home somewhere.
[Dramatic music plays.]
If it isn't the cry of the tiger.
[Laughter.]
ALICIA: If they bully you, fight their hate by loving them.
[Grunts.]
What are you doing?! I'm fighting your hurtful words with the strongest weapon of all love.
See? I told you love conquers all.
Keep watching.
Get off me, weirdo! No! Let me love you! [Spectators murmuring.]
Brody! What are you doing?! Keep those elbows in.
Turn those punches over! Oh! Hell no! Ahh! Yeah, I'm not sure this is how Dr.
King or Gandhi would've handled it.
Let me know if I can get you any more wine.
Okay.
Look, Dad.
My sash is almost full.
I wonder if there's a badge for badges.
I'm so proud of you, Bow! I just wish your sister could appreciate all this - [Door opens, closes.]
- as much as you.
SANTAMONICA: You win, Dad.
I found a badge I want to earn.
Theater.
I'm so proud of you! Hello.
Let's use this table.
Come on.
All right, everyone, if I could get your attention.
Santamonica has decided to earn her theater badge by doing a sock-puppet show.
Mm! Those are some big socks.
Are they yours? Ma'am, I'm cutting you off.
[Clears throat.]
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who lived with her father.
Your daughter is so cute.
"Don't say 'cute'! That's patriarchy!" "But please, Father! I don't want to do Rover Girls! I want to be cute.
" "Who cares what you want? I have a beard!" I can't believe this.
Santi, stop.
No! There's an hour and a half left.
You two, let's go.
"You two, let's go.
" [Whimpering.]
"Save me!" That's enough.
Okay.
Mm.
I'm watching you.
[Indistinct arguing.]
Hi, guys.
- Oh, hi.
- Mom! Daddy won't let me be great! Stop it! Dad already said you're too young to know why you shouldn't do pageants.
- PAUL: Exactly.
- Wait.
Why shouldn't she? Well, I pulled them out because all those people care about is being dumb and pretty.
You would've done the same thing.
No.
I wouldn't have.
Paul, you can't just make them quit stuff because you don't agree with it.
H-Hold on.
I thought we were on the same page Gender-free parenting, not raising our daughters to be airheaded arm candy.
I can't believe you.
Honestly, I'm shocked.
As a so-called feminist, you should know it's not your place to say what makes a good woman.
Welcome to the club.
All day, he's been trying to school me on that.
Well, this one told my grandson that it's okay to cry at a dojo.
No.
You let Johan cry in karate? - What happened? - What do you think happened? He got the brakes beaten off him.
I did.
I really did.
Sis, you know better! You can't let this boy cry and let him be light-skinned.
How would I not let him be light-skinned? I can't believe you.
You should know there are basic man rules.
We don't cry in public, we always leave a space between urinals.
And when we buy you dinner, then we expect dessert.
I'm supposed to leave a space between the urinals? I always stand next to someone because I get lonely.
I can't believe he turned this against me.
I can't believe there's women besides you who find him attractive.
PAUL: This is basic stuff.
You don't let boys cry in karate, and I'm sorry if it makes me a hypocrite, but our daughters are better than pageants.
I don't know who you think you raised.
Santi, enough.
Smart girls do Rover Girls.
Dumb, pretty girls do pageants.
Hold up.
You don't think you're pretty? No.
I'm smart, not pretty.
Right, Dad? [Sighs.]
Your maid took my wine.
Hold up.
BOW: My parents gave each other the silent treatment for 35 minutes.
Then they did what people who love each other do pick a fight just to start talking again.
- Where's our toothbrush? - How should I know? Hm.
[Exhales sharply.]
- I screwed up.
- No, we screwed up.
I'm sorry.
I thought we were good parents.
Me too! But our son got beat up, our oldest daughter thinks she's ugly, and our youngest daughter hates us.
I know! I was tucking her in, and she tried to bite me.
Are we doing it wrong? No.
No! We're not wrong.
Bullying is wrong.
Misogyny is wrong.
But pretending they don't exist isn't doing our kids any favors, either.
Yeah, you're right.
We can't teach them to be above it if we haven't taught them how to deal with it.
Yeah.
But you know what this means, though.
If you say that Denise and Harrison were right, I'll bite you myself.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, we we really need to find that toothbrush.
- [Clears throat.]
- Yeah.
- Yep.
- Mm.
Yep.
- Uh-huh.
- Yep.
I'm sorry if I made you feel like women can't be smart and pretty.
Women can be anything they want to be.
Granddad said they can't be funny.
[Sighs.]
Yeah.
Granddad's not perfect.
And if I'm being honest, neither am I.
I'm very sorry about how I acted.
[Modern English's "I Melt With You" plays.]
That day, I learned that being a progressive parent means being honest about what you don't know.
[Laughs.]
Everyone has ideas about how to raise the perfect child.
using all my breath Hyah! [Applause.]
But when those ideas become reality, things get more complicated.
That's my boy! I saw the world Oh, that type of crying is okay.
- Ah.
- It's for sports.
Hey, honey.
You look very sensible.
always mesh and lace And pretty.
I'll stop the world Thanks, Dad.
And melt with you For such a difficult task, my parents did a great job.
My brother turned out to be caring and sensitive.
You guys, you guys! My baby birds hatched.
My sister became a confident woman with her own brand of feminism.
"Rich Wives," season 4, August 20th.
Watch.
[Smooches.]
Bye! And I grew up to be a smart, accomplished, charismatic, vibrant, sexy, humble doctor.
And that's all because my parents gave us everything they could and just let us be us.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- Coming! Oh! Um I-I'm sorry.
I-I I thought this was where, uh, Paul lived.
You were here the other day, right? Mm-hmm.
I'm his wife.
- Ohhhh! - [Laughs.]
Yeah.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ohh! - Mm! Gandhi would like me to hug you.
But you need to leave.
[Grunts.]
Okay.
- [Grunts.]
- Now.
Got it? Yep.
Yep.
Mm-ah! Oh! Wonderful.
- Thank you! - Um Good night.
She seems nice.
And when the prince finally climbed the tower, the princess said, "Thanks, buddy, but I don't need your help.
" "And from that day on, they shared responsibilities and lived happily and equally ever after.
" Psych! My parents always had to be as progressive as possible.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi! Guess what.
We were approached at the mall by a stranger.
- What? - At first, I thought it was a kidnapping, because look at me.
It was a recruiter for a beauty pageant, and they want us to be in it.
Which also makes sense, because look at me.
DENISE: So clear your schedule, sis.
- The prize is $40.
- ALICIA: Mm.
I'm-a need my cut.
[Scoffs.]
Why would you assume Alicia would take them? Yeah, just because I'm a woman, I'm the only one who can take girls to a pageant? What is this, 1983? This may be new to you, but we don't make decisions - based on gender.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, back on the commune, it was a gender-neutral - So you not coming? - No.
I'm taking Johan to test for his white belt in karate.
You guys are letting a woman take him to a dojo? [Sighs.]
Which one of you did the breastfeeding? Depends on which kid.
[Exhales sharply.]
In the mix Oh, oh, oh, they keep trying But they can't stop us 'Cause we got a love That keeps rising up In the mix Life turns around 'Round and 'round it goes Ooh, it's a mixed-up world Ooh, it's a mixed-up And that's for sure Mixed-up In the mix Baby We're gonna get by We're gonna On our own, side by side Love's all we need to be free Lo-o-o-ve is all I got you, you got me Yaaaaay us! I-I-In the mix Yaaaaay us! I-I-In the mix-ish So, she's taking your son to the dojo and you're taking the girls to the pageant? You don't see gender, we know you don't see race, and, uh, based on that shirt, you obviously don't see fashion.
[Chuckles.]
We see humanity.
We see the good in everyone.
Even you.
Then I'm sending the wrong signals.
Look, you can't ignore gender.
There's a boys' bathroom and a girls' bathroom.
And as long as there is breath in my lungs, there will never be a third option.
In his defense, Granddad died before there was a third option.
At least you're finally letting the girls do something girly! This is gonna be so fun, sis! Again, Paul's taking them.
But I don't like Paul.
Look, sometimes girls need their moms instead of their dads.
Why would we listen to either of you? - Mm.
- You don't even have kids.
- That I know of.
- Mm.
And do you really think you did a good job raising Paul? I'm sorry.
Just I was trying to hurt Harrison.
Did I hurt you? Can't hurt me.
I'm woman-proof.
- She hurt you.
- Mm-hmm.
I can't believe we're going to be in a beauty pageant.
Are you sure that lady wasn't just talking to me? If you're wondering why this pageant thing was so exciting to me, it's because my progressive parents didn't want us girls to be raised to only value our looks.
- Aww! - ALICIA: Ohh! Don't you look smart.
Like a woman who knows how to balance her own checkbook.
I understand where they were coming from now, but when I was 12, I just wanted to feel pretty.
What if I win? Against me? [Laughing.]
And people wonder why we aren't close.
[Laughing continues.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
RAINBOW: Wow.
Everyone's so glamorous.
If I ever run away from home to come here, don't try and find me.
Hold on.
Wait a second.
Aren't all these girls a little young to be wearing makeup? Paul, it's a beauty pageant.
Yeah, but what about natural beauty? Or inner beauty? Right, 'cause men buy the Swimsuit Issue for the natural beauty.
I'm just saying, you'd never catch Eleanor Roosevelt or Susan B.
Anthony prancing around in a swimsuit.
Imagine where their careers would've gone if they had.
I just don't want to teach my daughters that beauty defines their self-worth.
Pageants are a good thing.
I did a few myself back in high school.
I even won Miss Black Awareness 1960.
- [Camera shutter clicks.]
- It helped me break out of my shell.
I learned poise, confidence, and presence.
It was a springboard to my career in aerospace.
- Aerospace? - Mm-hmm.
- You're a baggage handler.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, I'll just keep my mouth shut, but this just doesn't feel like the kind of thing my daughters should be doing.
Pageants are for pretty people.
You wouldn't understand.
Well Wow, with a name like Bob Lee, I was expecting him to be a [Vocalizing Asian music.]
Harrison, you can't say that.
The proper term is "Oriental.
" Saying "Oriental" in 1985 was actually "woke.
" [Yells.]
Honestly, the hardest part of karate is staying humble.
It is a constant struggle not to let it go to your head that you are the baddest man in every room.
For example I could destroy that man right there easily.
I wouldn't even break a sweat.
And I would take parts of him home in my pocket.
- Do you know if they offer adult classes? - Mm.
When I am done training you boys, you will have to clean your rooms out of respect, because your fathers won't be strong enough to make you.
[Laughs.]
Hyah! Now, who's ready to break some boards?! Johan, you're up.
Here we go.
Sir, yes, sir! [Exhales sharply.]
[Grunts.]
Again! [Grunts.]
Is your hand broken? I hope not.
Then again! [Grunts.]
[Crying.]
[Sighs.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? You can't cry in the dojo.
Of course he can.
He can cry wherever he wants.
It's okay.
Let it out.
No.
Leave it in.
Don't you make him feel bad about expressing himself.
No, no, trust me.
I'm not gonna make him feel bad.
They are.
[Laughter.]
[Sniffles.]
[Duran Duran's "Girls on Film" plays.]
DENISE: Isn't this exciting? Santamonica just learned to put Vaseline on her teeth.
What What does that do? So you don't get stick-lip.
You know when your lips stick to your teeth from smiling so much.
Do you even hear yourself? Woman complain about getting body complexes and eating disorders from beauty magazines.
Where do you think all that starts? I don't know, but you should get a better attitude.
One of these girls is gonna grow up to be your stepmom.
Girls on film Girls on film Girls on film My dad might have hated it, but I was so excited to be part of this new world even though I didn't know what I was doing.
She gets it from her auntie.
I was Miss Black Awareness 1960.
But you knew that already.
[Sighs.]
Hey, look.
DENISE: Oh, good job, baby.
Ooh! Look at her walk! Wait, wait.
T-That's an accomplishment in this place? Walking? Great job, honey! Walk on those stick shoes that some man invented to keep women from running away! Sir, is there a problem? You know what? There is.
What are you teaching these girls? Um, to love themselves and their community? Ah, a community that glorifies unrealistic beauty standards and superficial talents? Let me guess, you think dancing with a ribbon is a talent but science isn't a talent.
Because it's not a talent.
You can't watch science.
- [Scoffs.]
- Exactly! "Ooh! Science just went on tour.
Can you get me backstage to meet science?" How am I the only person here who cares about women? You know, my daughters don't belong here.
Santi, Rainbow, we're leaving.
Uh, okay I did not want to go, but maybe my Dad was right.
Maybe this wasn't for me.
If you want me to leave, you're gonna have to drag me out kicking and screaming.
No! No! No! No! No! Hey, this isn't my dad! [Grunting.]
I don't know who this man is! [Laughs.]
[Grunting.]
Put me down! I parented my butt off today.
Baby, you married a triple threat father, husband, white.
You don't tell Denise these things, do you? Actually, I got that from her.
Yeah.
How did karate go? I don't know if I should be the one taking Johan.
What do you think about swapping out? I don't understand.
Where's this coming from? I already have to deal with your dad at work.
I don't know if I can handle him on the weekends, too.
Oh, baby, don't let him get to you with his "boys-only tree house" garbage.
We know what we're doing.
Raising our kids the commune way is just as good as any other way.
Honestly, probably a little better.
Mm.
Yeah.
- Maybe you're right.
- Yeah.
And they still don't know what they're talking about.
I mean, did Denise have a kid in the last few hours? Yeah.
Did your dad go back in time and raise you right? - Yeah, see, that's - Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
I have to find a better way to make fun of your father.
Yeah.
Okay, everyone saw you cry, so bullies are coming.
You know what a bully is? Assume I don't know what anything is.
A bully is someone who's going to punch you for being different.
Like, you know, with the glasses or having that hair.
But don't worry.
It sounds like I should worry.
No.
The good news is, getting bullied will give you the drive to be rich.
So, while he's kicking you, cover up and then think about what you're going to invent.
A car made of cheese.
So you can eat on long trips.
You're gonna need a really big bully.
[Chuckles.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't tell him that.
Relax.
You won't be bullied.
But just in case, if anything happens, you need to fight back with the one thing that is stronger than your fists.
A sword? No, your love.
If they bully you, fight their hate by loving them.
Just like Dr.
King or Gandhi would have.
Yeah, because everything worked out so well for them.
[Sighs.]
All right, I know you two are really into that whole pageant thing, but I found something so much better Rover Girls! What year was this from? Oh, Santi, come on.
Those pageant types, they're not our kind of people.
They're shallow and superficial.
But Rover Girls? These girls are smart, like you.
Are you talking to the both of us? Yes.
Both of you will love it.
Rover girls do science and community service, and they prepare you to be upstanding young women.
Didn't you say uniforms were fascist? Yeah, but these are cute.
[Grunts.]
Ohhh.
So much anger.
Okay.
[Indistinct conversations.]
A husband who looks like you and pours you wine? How do I make a trade? [Laughter.]
Hold on.
You all actually find him attractive? Uh, ladies, I want to welcome all of you and your strong, independent daughters to our home.
Now, today, the girls can earn all sorts of badges to help them become well-rounded women.
So, girls, let's start building your futures! [Girls laugh.]
Come on.
It's gonna be amazing! I can see myself building a future with him.
Ohh.
I'm sorry.
Can you point to what part of his face does it for you? Because I really don't see it.
Mm.
There's the beef.
Y'all are nasty.
[T La Rock's "He's Incredible!" plays.]
[Rapping.]
Passion fills the air These were totally the kind of smart girls I felt comfortable around.
It felt like Dad was right.
His cuts are quick to the bass drum kick [Record scratching.]
He's just incredible Kick it, kick it Kick it [Gasps.]
I see a blue jay! [Gasps.]
I see a family I'd rather live with! Fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh Hey, sweetheart.
What's got you down? I wish I were kidnapped.
Okay, you know what? That's enough.
Maybe it's time you go to your room and not come out until you find a better attitude.
Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Apparently, these moms think you're a "hot dad.
" I don't get it, but they have been drinking a lot of wine.
What can I say? Triple threat.
Go home somewhere.
[Dramatic music plays.]
If it isn't the cry of the tiger.
[Laughter.]
ALICIA: If they bully you, fight their hate by loving them.
[Grunts.]
What are you doing?! I'm fighting your hurtful words with the strongest weapon of all love.
See? I told you love conquers all.
Keep watching.
Get off me, weirdo! No! Let me love you! [Spectators murmuring.]
Brody! What are you doing?! Keep those elbows in.
Turn those punches over! Oh! Hell no! Ahh! Yeah, I'm not sure this is how Dr.
King or Gandhi would've handled it.
Let me know if I can get you any more wine.
Okay.
Look, Dad.
My sash is almost full.
I wonder if there's a badge for badges.
I'm so proud of you, Bow! I just wish your sister could appreciate all this - [Door opens, closes.]
- as much as you.
SANTAMONICA: You win, Dad.
I found a badge I want to earn.
Theater.
I'm so proud of you! Hello.
Let's use this table.
Come on.
All right, everyone, if I could get your attention.
Santamonica has decided to earn her theater badge by doing a sock-puppet show.
Mm! Those are some big socks.
Are they yours? Ma'am, I'm cutting you off.
[Clears throat.]
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who lived with her father.
Your daughter is so cute.
"Don't say 'cute'! That's patriarchy!" "But please, Father! I don't want to do Rover Girls! I want to be cute.
" "Who cares what you want? I have a beard!" I can't believe this.
Santi, stop.
No! There's an hour and a half left.
You two, let's go.
"You two, let's go.
" [Whimpering.]
"Save me!" That's enough.
Okay.
Mm.
I'm watching you.
[Indistinct arguing.]
Hi, guys.
- Oh, hi.
- Mom! Daddy won't let me be great! Stop it! Dad already said you're too young to know why you shouldn't do pageants.
- PAUL: Exactly.
- Wait.
Why shouldn't she? Well, I pulled them out because all those people care about is being dumb and pretty.
You would've done the same thing.
No.
I wouldn't have.
Paul, you can't just make them quit stuff because you don't agree with it.
H-Hold on.
I thought we were on the same page Gender-free parenting, not raising our daughters to be airheaded arm candy.
I can't believe you.
Honestly, I'm shocked.
As a so-called feminist, you should know it's not your place to say what makes a good woman.
Welcome to the club.
All day, he's been trying to school me on that.
Well, this one told my grandson that it's okay to cry at a dojo.
No.
You let Johan cry in karate? - What happened? - What do you think happened? He got the brakes beaten off him.
I did.
I really did.
Sis, you know better! You can't let this boy cry and let him be light-skinned.
How would I not let him be light-skinned? I can't believe you.
You should know there are basic man rules.
We don't cry in public, we always leave a space between urinals.
And when we buy you dinner, then we expect dessert.
I'm supposed to leave a space between the urinals? I always stand next to someone because I get lonely.
I can't believe he turned this against me.
I can't believe there's women besides you who find him attractive.
PAUL: This is basic stuff.
You don't let boys cry in karate, and I'm sorry if it makes me a hypocrite, but our daughters are better than pageants.
I don't know who you think you raised.
Santi, enough.
Smart girls do Rover Girls.
Dumb, pretty girls do pageants.
Hold up.
You don't think you're pretty? No.
I'm smart, not pretty.
Right, Dad? [Sighs.]
Your maid took my wine.
Hold up.
BOW: My parents gave each other the silent treatment for 35 minutes.
Then they did what people who love each other do pick a fight just to start talking again.
- Where's our toothbrush? - How should I know? Hm.
[Exhales sharply.]
- I screwed up.
- No, we screwed up.
I'm sorry.
I thought we were good parents.
Me too! But our son got beat up, our oldest daughter thinks she's ugly, and our youngest daughter hates us.
I know! I was tucking her in, and she tried to bite me.
Are we doing it wrong? No.
No! We're not wrong.
Bullying is wrong.
Misogyny is wrong.
But pretending they don't exist isn't doing our kids any favors, either.
Yeah, you're right.
We can't teach them to be above it if we haven't taught them how to deal with it.
Yeah.
But you know what this means, though.
If you say that Denise and Harrison were right, I'll bite you myself.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, we we really need to find that toothbrush.
- [Clears throat.]
- Yeah.
- Yep.
- Mm.
Yep.
- Uh-huh.
- Yep.
I'm sorry if I made you feel like women can't be smart and pretty.
Women can be anything they want to be.
Granddad said they can't be funny.
[Sighs.]
Yeah.
Granddad's not perfect.
And if I'm being honest, neither am I.
I'm very sorry about how I acted.
[Modern English's "I Melt With You" plays.]
That day, I learned that being a progressive parent means being honest about what you don't know.
[Laughs.]
Everyone has ideas about how to raise the perfect child.
using all my breath Hyah! [Applause.]
But when those ideas become reality, things get more complicated.
That's my boy! I saw the world Oh, that type of crying is okay.
- Ah.
- It's for sports.
Hey, honey.
You look very sensible.
always mesh and lace And pretty.
I'll stop the world Thanks, Dad.
And melt with you For such a difficult task, my parents did a great job.
My brother turned out to be caring and sensitive.
You guys, you guys! My baby birds hatched.
My sister became a confident woman with her own brand of feminism.
"Rich Wives," season 4, August 20th.
Watch.
[Smooches.]
Bye! And I grew up to be a smart, accomplished, charismatic, vibrant, sexy, humble doctor.
And that's all because my parents gave us everything they could and just let us be us.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- Coming! Oh! Um I-I'm sorry.
I-I I thought this was where, uh, Paul lived.
You were here the other day, right? Mm-hmm.
I'm his wife.
- Ohhhh! - [Laughs.]
Yeah.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ohh! - Mm! Gandhi would like me to hug you.
But you need to leave.
[Grunts.]
Okay.
- [Grunts.]
- Now.
Got it? Yep.
Yep.
Mm-ah! Oh! Wonderful.
- Thank you! - Um Good night.
She seems nice.