Modern Family s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

Kids, breakfast! Kids? Phil, would you get them? Yeah, just a sec.
That is so - Kids, get down here! Why are you guys yelling at us? When we're way upstairs, just text me.
All right, that's not gonna happen, and, wow, you're not wearing that outfit.
What's wrong with it? - Honey, do you have anything to say to your daughter about her skirt? Sorry? Oh yeah, that looks really cute, sweetheart! Thanks! - No, it's way too short, people know you're a girl you don't need to prove it to them.
Luke got his head stuck in the banister again.
I got it.
Where's the babyoil? - It's on our bedside tab I don't know, find it.
Come on! Iwas out of control growing up.
There, you know, I said it.
I just don't want my kids to make the same bad mistakes I made.
If Hayley never wakes up on a beach in Florida, half-naked I've done my job.
OUR job.
- Right I've done our job.
That was a penalty! Gloria, they're 0 and 6, let's take it down a notch.
We're very different.
He's from the city.
He has big business.
I come from a small village.
Very poor, but very, very beautiful.
It's the number one village in north Columbia for all the what's the word? - Murders.
Yes, the murders.
Manny, stop him! Damn it, Manny! Come on, coach! You've gotta take that kid out! You wanna take him out? How about I take you out!? Honey, honey Why don't you worry about your son! He'd spend the first half with his hands in his pants! I wanted to tell her that for the last six weeks I'm Josh, Brian's dad.
- Hi, I'm Gloria Pritchett Manny's mother.
Oh, this must be your dad.
Her dad? Uh, no, no, that's funny.
Actually, no.
I'm her husband.
Don't be fooled by the uh Give me a second here.
Actually no, I'm her husband! Don't be fooled by the Give me a second here.
She's adorable! - Oh, thank you! Hi, Precious - Hello.
We've just adopted her from Vietnam and we're bringing her home for the first time.
She's an angel.
You and you're wife must be thrilled! Sorry, sorry, sorry, daddy needed snacks.
So, what are we talking about? We have been together for five years now? And we decided we really wanted to have a baby so, we initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate Then we figured, they're already mean enough, can you imagine one of them pregnant? No, thank you.
You saw that right? Everybody fonding up to Lillian, then you walk on and suddenly it's all I'm gonna give a speech.
- You are not giving a speech you gonna stuck with this people for the next five hours! - You're right, it's okay, I'm sorry.
Honey, look at that baby with those creampuffs.
Okay, excuse me.
But this baby would be growing up in a crowded orphanage if it wasn't for us creampuffs and you know what, to all of you who judge, hear this, love knows no race, creed or gender and shame on you! You small minded, ignorant fe- Mitchell? - What? She's got the creampuffs.
We would like to pay for everyone's headsets.
MODERN FAMILY SEASON 1 EPISODE 1 Buddy, why do you keep getting stuk like this? I can get out this time.
I'm just gonna say it he needs to be checked by a specialist.
There! Be free, Excalibur! I'm having a friend over today.
- Who? You don't know him.
- Him? Ooh, a boy! You gonna kiss him? - Shut up.
Luke, Alex, why don't you take it outside, okay? - And do what? Fighting a son, it would be a nice change.
I'm kidding! Who's the boy? - His name is Dylan I might as well just tell him not to come, because you guys are just going to embarrass me again.
Hang on a second, you're fifteen, it's the first time you've had a boy over.
I'm bound to be a little suprised, but We're not gonna embarrass you! I'd better go charge the camcorder.
I'm kidding! Come on! Who are you talking to? I'm a cool dad.
That's my thang.
I surf the web, I text.
LOL, Laugh Out Loud, OMG, Oh My God WTF, Why The Face You know, I know all the dances to High School Musical, so.
MOM! DAD! - What happend? Luke just shot me! - I didn't mean to! Are you okay? - No, the little bitch shot me! Language! They're only plastic bb's! It was an accident! What did I tell you what happened if you got him a gun? Deal with this! Buddy Uncool.
That's it? No, the agreement was that if he shoots someone you shoot him.
We were serious about that? Yes, we were and now you have to follow through.
I'm so sorry! - Liar.
Go! - He's got a birthday party.
What's more importand here, dad? You can shoot him afterwards, he'll be home at two.
- I can't shoot him at two, showing our house at two.
What about three? No, he's at a soccergame at three, and then Oh, we gotta leave for that dinner thing in five.
- Yeah, I guess that works for me.
Shoot Luke.
- Sorry dude, it's on the calendar.
Oh, come on! I'm quitting soccer, it is a game for children.
No, you're not quitting.
You would've stopped that goal if you weren't staring at that little girl.
She is not a girl, she is a woman.
You know Gloria, that blowup with that other mom, why do you have to do things like that? If someone sais somthing about my family, I'm going to - I'm just saying you could take it down here a little bit.
- Well yeah, but that's when you live down here but I live up here! You don't have to be so emotional all the time, that's all I'm saying.
Manny, you're with me on this, right? - I wanna tell Brenda Feldman I love her.
Oh, for God's sake.
Honey, she's 16.
- Oh, it's okay for you to take another lover? Watch it! I want to go to the mall where she works.
But first we need to get my white shirt, the silk one.
Okay, if that's what you really want to do.
Seriously, not to be the evil stepdad, but if you put on a puffy white shirt and declare your love for a 16-year-old you're gonna be swinging from the flagpole in your puffy white underpants! Stop the car! Where you going? You hurt his feelings.
- Well, if it toughens him up a little bit, then oh, jeez, he's picking flowers! Manny is verry passionate, just like his father.
My first husband is very handsome, but too crazy.
It seemed like all what we did was fight and make love.
One time, I'm not kidding you, we fell out of the window together.
Which one were you doing? I'm hearing this for the first time! This doesn't worry you? She barely slept in the plane, and she's stil wide awake.
- Oh, stop worrying! That orphanage, it was all woman.
Maybe she can't fall asleep unless she feels a woman's shape.
I guess that's possible.
So, here.
- What the hell is that suppose to mean? Yes, I've gained a few extra pounds while we expecting the baby.
Which has been very difficult.
But, apparently your body does a nesting, very maternal primal thing, were it retains nutrients.
Some sort of molecular physiology thing.
But that's science, you can't fight it.
I'm not saying anything.
You're saying everything.
Count to three, one, t - Three.
- Okay.
Oh my God, do you love it? -Yes, I What the hell is that? I had Andre do it when we we were gone.
Is that us? With wings? We're floating above her, always there to protect her.
Well, that's reassuring, right Lilly? Yeah, we tore you away from everyting you know, but don't worry, things are normal here.
Your fathers are floating fairies! Can you call Andre? Have him paint someting a little less gay? We need to stop having friends with names like Andre.
Redheaded dad is angry daddy.
- No I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
Even Pepper pointed it out on the way home from the airport.
- Okay, that's another one, Pepper! Okay, what's up? I I never told my family we were adopting a baby.
I know.
- You do? And I don't blame you, I know your family.
You tell them, they say something judgemental.
Exactly! - You get mad.
I know, and it's supposed to be nothing, but joyful suddenly turns into this huge fight.
Who wants a big emotional scene like that? Thank you, I'm so relieved you understand.
I invited them over for dinner tonight.
What? - I had to! This would have gone on forever.
You're an avoider.
No, I'm calling them now, I'm cancelling.
- No, you're not! You're telling your family you've adopted a baby, tonight.
And you do have avoidance issues; even Langina said so! Are you really not hearing these names? Don't answer it, i'll get it! Hey, you must be Dylan.
- Hey, Dylan, yeah.
I'm Haley's mother.
Hey, now, let's go.
Hang on one second.
Dylan You're still in High School? - Yeah, I'm a Senior.
Phil, sweetie, honey.
He is Dylan and he is a seniorand you need to scare him.
Let me meet this playa.
Phil Dunphy, yo! It's like that, you just start down on him and let the eyes do the work.
Your mouth might be saying: Hey, we cool! But your eyes are like: No, we not! Nice to meet you! No, it's not! 'S all good? No, 's it is'n Yo.
- Yo.
Okay, I've seen you guys- - Wait You two two keep it real? You k'now what it mean, son? Not really.
Please stop.
- That's cool! Oh, God, that's my back! Ow, oh, I slipped in the baby oil.
Ooh, where you from originally? I could defeat you if it came to a physical confrontation! I don't know about this, shall I call a doctor? - No, no, no, no.
You're verry strong, homes.
- Thanks.
Okay, nice, nice soft landing Okay, I am on my side, so flip me right back and we're good.
We'll be good.
I just need to get flipped right on my back, we should be fine, so.
Brenda Feldman.
What is that? - A poem i've written for Brenda Feldman.
Of course that is.
- I put my thoughts into words, and now my words into action! 'Ey, I give you 50 bucks not to do this.
I'm eleven years old, what am I gonna do with money? What are you gonna do with a sixteen year old? It's like a bullfight! Ever see a bullfight? I can't watch this.
You're in such a bad mood.
And I know why.
It's because that man thought you were my father.
- No.
- Yes.
- NO.
When you say no like that, it's always yes.
Come on, we're in the mall, let's get you, like, some younger clothes there's a store there that I know - I don't need any younger clothes! And I don't care what some jackass in a pair of ripped jeans thinks about me.
Good, you shouldn't.
You should only care what I think.
I love you, and I don't care how old you are.
So stop being a gloomy goose, and stop being so hard on Manny.
- The only reason I'm hard on Manny is just because I don't wanna see him make a fool of himself.
And I can smell that hairgoo of his from here! Look, I don't know what's gonna happen to him over there but you're his family now.
And that means only one thing.
You be there wind in his back, not the spit in his face! What? Something my mom always says, it's gorgeous in Spanish.
Look, he's there.
She has a boyfriend.
I gave her my heart.
She gave me a picture of me as an old-time sheriff.
That was pretty stupid of me, wasn't it? No, mi amore, it was brave, right, Jay? Brave.
I b you'll know better next time.
Come on! Let's get a pretzel.
Oh, excuse me, sir? We ask that all mall-walkers stay to the right.
Alex, get out! MOM! Alex, leave your sister alone! I was just getting my book, gosh! - I know sweetie, but you need to respect their privacy.
- What are they doing up there? - Nothing, lying in her bed, watching a movie.
Okay Okay I'm making a cake for tonight, you wanna help me with the frosting? Sure.
So, you know if Haley got pregnant, would you ever pretend she got mono for a few months and then tell everyone the baby's yours? What? A senior at school was out sick for four months, but she was out breastfeeding in an cleanup carwash.
Buddy, what are you wearing? - Nothing.
No jacket, no hat.
How many pairs of underwear do you have on? - One Six.
First of all, it would be really cool to see Haley that fat, and how awesome would it be to have a fake little brother who's really my nephew? Haley is not getting pregnant! I'm just saying if.
I know, and I know you like to make trouble for your sister, but it's not gonna work this time.
You know why? 'Cause your sister is a good girl.
I know, I was just like her when I was I want you to know, I'm not enjoying this.
This is an important lesson that you're leaning, so.
'S all good, keep it You're too close, it's gonna hurt.
- It's supposed to hurt! And why are you smiling? I'm What? Oh, forget it.
I can't do this.
The point is, you're scared.
I think you've learned your lesson.
Mom?! What are you doing? - Hey, I was just dropping off some laundry, this is a bad time? Yeah Oh, okay.
Can you shut the door, please? Actually, we're just go ahead and leave that open.
Why? Because I have, uh, seen this little show before: Lying on the bed with a tall senior.
one minute you're just friends, watching Falcon Crest, and the next you're lying underneath the air-hockey table with your bra un-pocket! Mom! You hit my bone! - It was an accident! I thought we were friends! - I am your friend! Dad?! Dad, you have got to talk to mom, she is like completely freaking out and emberassing me.
Well, honey, you're mom isn't always as cool about things as I What is with this thing! My dad, isn't completely comfortable with This, ehum, he still does this thing.
It's been five years now.
And he still does this thing were he announces himself before walking into any room were in.
Just to make sure he doesn't ever see us kiss.
Wish my mother had that system.
Remember? - Not now.
I still can't beleve you did this to me! - Would you get in the spirit of things! It's a celebration! Oh God.
I'm gonna go get Lily ready, and I want you to just come straight out with it, you can do this! Sportsguy-chest-bump, sportsguy-chest-bump! Do it, GO! Hey, how are you? Hi, guys! Well thank you, thanks.
- Don't thank us open it, dad is right behind Knock, knock, we're here! Coming in! - Don't worry, dad, nothing gay going on here.
May I take your multicoloured coat and your bejeweled cap? Yeah.
Hey, Jay.
- Gloria, hi! How are you? Hi Gloria, how are you? What a beautiful dress! Thank you, Phil! - Oh, okay.
Phil! She said "Phil," not "feel!" So how was your trip? - It was good, it was good, actually, but about that, I have something that I need to tell you guys.
We didn't just go to Vietnam for pleasure.
We kinda have some big news.
Oh, God, if Cam comes out there with boobs, I'm leaving! Dad! - I hope he didn't embarrass you, mom.
Don't mind her, Haley had her first boy over today, and Phil shot him.
Anyway, so about a year ago, Cam and I sort have feeling this longing for something more like, maybe a baby.
Whoa, that's a bad idea.
What do you mean, bad idea? - Well, kids need a mother! I mean, if you two guys are bored, get a dog! We're not bored, dad! I support you, Mitchell, even though you're not my son.
I think what dad is trying to say is that, Mitchell, you're a little uptight, kids bring chaos and you don't handle well.
That's not what's it's saying what you saying.
And it's insulting in an whole different way.
Okay, people, let's all chillax! Where's uncle Cameron? - Finally, thank you, someone who's not insulting me noticed he's not here.
So, that's the big announcement.
You two broke up.
Well a baby wasn't gonna help that, anyway! Let me tell you, you'll be better off, because he was a bit of a drama queen.
Stop, stop, you come into my house and you insult me and my boyfriend, who is, by the way, not that dramatic! We've adopted a baby.
Her name is Lilly Exciting! Just turn it off.
- I can't turn it off, it's who I am! The music! - Oh, yes, the music.
Come say hello, Lilly.
Lilly? Isn't that gonna be hard for her to say? - Phil.
Excuse me Okay, I know that I said I thought this was a bad idea.
But What do I know? I mean, It's not like I wrote the book on fatherhood.
I'm trying whole my life to get it right, I'm still screwing up.
Right, Manny? I wrote a song about it in the car.
- Of course you did.
Anyway, I'm happy for you.
And you should know that I'm not here to spit in your face, I'm here to blow at your back.
It's supposed to sound better in Spanish.
Anyhow, Mitch.
No, dad, it's I got it, I got it.
She wants her daddy.
- Do you wanna meet grandpa? You kidding? She's one of us now! Let me see that little potsticker! Hey, you're a cutie, aren't you! We're from different worlds.
Yet we somehow fit together.
Love is what binds us.
Through fair or stormy weather.
I stand before you now with only one agenda To let you know my heart is yours, Feldman, Brenda I mean seriously! Luke, so far, he hasn't beaten me at basketball.
Get that! Will you step out of my kitchen! Could you just do me a favour and just grab How's the weather down there? But, when the day comes that he does win, if, you know, if when he beats me.
I'm just gonna be like, well done! Well done! Just let him, just support him.
In that kind of stuff.
I'm probably just wanna go like,