Modern Family s03e24 Episode Script

Baby on Board

One, two, three, four.
And skip, two, three, four.
And turn, two, three, four.
I don't like this part.
Well, honey, if you spot the wall, then you won't get dizzy.
Here, watch daddy, okay? Oh.
How cool would it be if you turned into wonder woman right now? Can't even talk about it.
(Telephone rings) Oh, it's the adoption agency.
Oh, my gosh.
It is?! It is?! It is?! Cam, you need to stop doing that.
(Ring) Last time, they were just calling to confirm our billing address.
Hello? - Uh-huh.
- "Uh-huh" what? Yep.
- Really? (Whispers) - "Really" what? (Gasps) That-- that mother from Calexico, she picked us.
- She did? - Uh-huh.
(Breathes deeply) She-- she went into early labor.
She's having the baby today.
- She is?! - Uh-huh.
We have to go to Calexico right now.
- We do?! - Just assume everything I say is the truth.
(Whispers) Okay, yeah.
Okay.
Oh, okay, yes.
Well, thank you so much.
Okay, bye.
(Exhales sharply) Um we're getting a baby today.
(High-pitched voice) Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! (Gasps) Ohh! Wait, wait, wait.
What do we do about Lily's recital? Um well, you know what? We'll-- we'll just sit her down.
We'll-- we'll tell her.
We'll-- We'll give her a popsicle.
- She'll be fine.
- Yeah, l-- - We have to do this.
- Okay, okay.
Yeah, you're right um, all right, I'm gonna go dig up the old car seat.
And listen, let's just Take a deep breath before we tell anyone, okay? (Breathes deeply) Yeah.
Really? That's fantastic.
And it's Latino! How's that giant fence working out for ya? (Telephone rings) (Gasps) It's Claire.
Hello? Did you hear? (Cell phone rings) Hey, Claire.
You are driving to some California border town to adopt a baby, and I have to hear about it from Gloria? I was outside for two minutes.
I kept it in as long as I could.
(High-pitched voice) We're having a baby! Oh, my God.
(Laughs) Oh, ho ho ho! What the heck is that? What?! (Claire, singsongy) We're back.
(Door closes) We got Alex the cutest prom dress.
Show your dad.
(Keys clatter) Hey.
Well, I don't like how far down that zipper goes, but on the plus side, it looks water-resistant.
I can't believe Haley's not going to the prom and Alex is.
What's that supposed to mean? I know I keep saying it, Haley, but you should be going.
It's a major moment in a teenager's life, and you're missing it.
Proms are lame.
It's just an excuse for dressed up dorks to ride in limos and hump each other.
Okay.
Now I don't like the idea of Alex going.
Sweetie, I think we're fine.
(Whispers) It's-- it's Alex.
What's that supposed to mean? It means you're a geek.
You know what? You know what? I might just go crazy tonight and-- and-- and hook up all over him.
(Phil) Mm-hmm.
(Haley and Luke laugh) Okay.
Why are you laughing? That's not funny.
I'm not even gonna wear my glasses! Oh.
- I feel better now.
(Claire) - Mm.
All right, I'm going to the mall.
Um, we need to talk, honey.
We're worried about you.
(Clears throat) You haven't heard back from the college that wait-listed you, and all the rest of your friends have.
And now you're just wasting time at the mall.
For your information, I've already filled out and dropped off my community college application.
And plus also I'm going to the mall because I have a job interview.
- What? - Really? My guidance counselor suggested I take a gap year.
You know, a year between high school and college were you take some courses, have some life experiences, and get inspired.
And obviously, work at the GAP.
The first step in plane building-- Organize the parts.
You got your power plant.
You got your fuselage.
You got your control surfaces.
What's that? A charcuterie.
You got your prosciutto, your pancetta, your salami.
That's charcuterie? I've been avoiding that on menus for years.
(Chuckles) They're killing themselves with that name.
(Doorbell rings) (Gloria) They're here! They're here! - Hi! (Cameron) - Hi! Thank you so much for doing this.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Of course.
- Okay, so her recital's at 6:00.
That's the address.
Here's her outfit.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is our camcorder.
Get the whole show and some backstage color.
Guys, you wanna take our charcuterie for the road? Bup, bup, bup, bup.
They're good.
We may need that.
(Cell phone rings) Hello? Yeah, um H-hold on one second.
I think it's the baby's family.
They're speaking Spanish.
I-- Hola, soy Cameron.
¿Cómo está? Uh, b-- Excuse me.
Could you s-- Could you slow down just a little bit? What does frenético mean? - It's when-- - Or just let her do it.
- Yeah.
There you go.
- Okay.
Hello? Sí, sí.
Yo los puedo ayudar I was doing fine.
He thinks he's some sort of an expert because for the past two weeks, he's been watching this ridiculous Spanish soap opera.
"Fire And Ice"? Don't say a word about the ending of last night's episode.
G-Gloria watches that.
You'll ruin it.
Sí.
Van a estar esperando su llamada, muchísimas gracias.
Mm.
- It was the mother's sister Juanita.
- Yeah.
She said that she doesn't know the exact hospital yet, but that she will call you, like, in the next hour.
Oh, thank you, Gloria.
I-I hate to ask this of you, but would you mind coming with us? We need someone who actually knows how to speak Spanish.
Frío.
Muy frío.
Ay, yes, of course! I would love to! Thank you! Thank you! I'm gonna grab my stuff, and we go, okay? All right, sweetheart.
All right, come here.
Mmm.
(Kisses) - Daddies gotta go, okay? - All right.
Okay, we're so sorry we're missing your recital, sweetie.
But you know what? You're getting a brand-new baby brother! - Cam, come on.
Come on.
- Mwah! Okay.
All right, breathe, breathe, breathe.
Ciao, Jay! Ciao, Manny! I see you later, okay? (Door closes) What just happened here? I have to go to the bathroom.
- She's talking to you.
- You wanna take that? (Earth, Wind & Fire) Always keep the rhythm in your feet.
Then we're gonna add just a little party in the shoulders.
All right? Now let's get those arms going.
No, no, no.
Arms down here says, "I'm white and I'm sorry," but arms up here says, "You don't know what I am.
" I-I don't.
You're never gonna believe it! You're never gonna believe it! You're never gonna believe it! (Turns off music) (Singsongy) Guess who got a job! I did! Oh, shoot.
I just told you.
- Oh! Honey, congratulations! - That's amazing! (High-pitched voice) You got a job! (Giggles) And what is all this? I stopped by the grocery store to get some stuff for dinner.
You know where the grocery store is? Yes, mother.
I'm celebrating by making dinner for me and Dylan tonight.
Would you and dad like to join us? (Lowered voice) - What's happening? (Whispers) - I don't know.
Tonight at dinner, I'm telling my parents the biggest news of all.
After graduation, I'm moving in with someone.
And his name is me.
(Squeals) Watch me dance.
Honey, you don't need to practice anymore.
The turning, the jumping, the little bird thing-- You've got it.
What's this? Sweetie, please don't play with the pieces.
I've told you, they're very delicate.
What are you building? It's a model of a plane that was built for Amelia Earhart.
Why? Because she wanted to fly around the world.
Why? Because she problem needed to get away from her kids.
- Why? - You know how to stop this? I'm on it.
Lily, we really need you to let us concentrate for a few minutes, okay? Your hair is weird.
Um, now I'm flustered.
(Gasps) Oh, you look adorable! "Adorable"? I'm not a puppy.
Oh, honey, it was meant as a compliment.
Claire, I got this.
Honey, you look super sexy.
Ew.
(Lowered voice) Well, we tried everything.
(Doorbell rings) Oh, good-bye! (Phil) Wait! Wait, wait! We wanna meet this Casanova.
Oh, no, parents aren't really his scene.
(Laughs nervously) Alex, open the door.
We are going to get a picture.
Fine.
You look flawless.
Thanks.
Did I not say coral was the color for you? Look what it does for your skin.
- Hi! - Hi, buddy.
Hi.
Yes, my bad boy prom date is gay.
He just doesn't know it yet, so I'm basically his beard.
Pre-beard.
His stubble.
Okay, say "cheese"! (Camera shutter clicks) (Both) Cheese.
(Chuckles) Okay, now one with flash.
- Cheese.
- Cheese! (Camera shutter clicks) Okay, I think you got the picture.
Well, you guys have fun.
(Claire) Do you want me to touch up your hair, honey? Oh, no, I'm good.
Ay, please stop driving the car like a snake.
It's making me nauseating.
Well, uh, if you want to switch places, there's plenty of room to stretch out back here.
Yeah, that's why we traded our old prius in for the new one.
You know, bigger family, bigger backseat.
You can fit two car seats and a prize-winning pig back there.
(Laughs) Please don't put a pig in the backseat with our children.
I'm not being literal.
It's a unit of measurement we used on the farm.
You know, like, "that bed's a double-pigger.
" Oh, uh, sorry.
Maybe think about something else.
You know, I missed "Fire And Ice" on Monday.
What happened? My guess is a bunch of ridiculous plot turns done by overwrought actors who are impossibly good-looking.
- Don't listen to him.
- Nothing, really.
Antonio hired a hooker to marry his father so that he can get back the money, but the hooker ended up being his long lost sister, the former beauty queen.
Oh.
Well, I stand uncorrected.
Ay, please just drive straighter.
Oh, sorry.
Are my pinkies up again? I-- They do that when I get excited.
Down, girls! (Chuckles) Well, Alex should be hitting the dance floor right about now.
(Chuckles) (Singsongy) Must be fun.
Really, dad, let it go.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
I'm just sad you're missing it.
I can still totally picture my prom night.
My date was Angela Wilkins.
My dad dressed as a limo driver and spoke with a British accent.
He even announced our arrival.
(Bottle thuds) (Imitates British accent) "Sir Philliam Dunphy and the Lady Wilkins!" - Ahem.
(Normal voice) - All the cool kids were totally laughing with us.
Oh, I'm just so glad we met after that.
Oh.
- Me, too.
- Mhmm.
Wonder what ever happened to Angela? You don't know? I haven't seen her in over 20 years, but that's what's special about prom.
No matter what (Imitates British accent) The Lady Wilkins and I will always have that night.
(Claire clears throat) Wow.
Hmm.
Oh, no, no, no! We got this.
- We'll clean.
- Oh.
Uh - Oh.
- You're cleaning up? What kind of day is this? Cam and Mitch get a new son, we get a new daughter.
That was really fun, you guys.
- Yes.
- Yeah, and next time, we'll just do it at our place.
(Inhales sharply) I'm in.
Just give me a heads-up.
"Our place"? What? What? Um, well, since I have a job now and I'm going to community college, uh, Dylan and I were thinking that, you know, we would get an apartment together.
- What? - Are you doing sex? Luke, can we have a minute, please? - Um - Listen (Phil clears throat) I know that you're concerned, but I'm designing t-shirts now, and they're gonna be huge.
Also medium and small.
Dylan, would you excuse us for a moment so we can talk to Haley? Sure, but you stay.
I'll go.
(Phil) Mm.
(Mitchell) Hi.
Uh, uh, buenos noches.
Uh, uh, we're looking for Uh, English? Uh, well, Juanita.
We're looking for Juanita.
- ¡Hola! (Mitchell) - Hi.
Mitchell y Cameron? Ah, she says, "Hello, Mitch and Cameron.
" I think we got that.
(Chuckles) Ay, you brought me here.
El bebé nació hace media hora y se encuentra perfectamente de salud.
Siete libras con cuatro onzas.
Es hermoso, tiene el pelo grueso y los ojos grandes y cafecitos.
Ay, ¡qué bueno! (Laughs) Did you get that, too? Yeah, a lot of it.
Mm-hmm.
Just (Sighs) Just tell us.
The baby was born half-hour ago, that he's in perfect health.
(Exhales) He was 7 pounds, 4 ounces, with thick hair and brown eyes.
(Chuckles) That's so good! (Whispers) So good.
Juanita! Padre.
¿qué hace usted acá? Ven acá.
- Vengo con un serio aviso, mi niña.
- Perdone.
Gloria, what's going on? I don't know.
The priest comes with great warning.
That can't be good.
(Whispers) Shh! Something about the grandmother.
She's sick.
(Both) Ohh.
- But now she's better.
(Both) - Oh.
- And now she knows! - Knows what? Tú.
Tú hiciste esto.
Tú le dijiste a mi abuela acerca del bebé.
- ¿Por qué haría yo tal cosa? - Porque Carlos me escogió a mí en vez de a ti como su amante.
(Slap) (Gasps) What was that for?! The nurse stole her grandmother's almonds.
No, the nurse is mad at Juanita because Juanita stole her lover, and Juanita is mad at the nurse because the nurse told the grandmother about the baby! - Our baby? - Our baby? (Classical music plays) We're both thinking it.
I'm just gonna say it.
Lily's dance is not up to the standard of what we just saw.
In my head, I'm golfing right now.
Hi, Mr.
Pritchett? I'm Lily's dance teacher Lucy.
We have a little bit of an issue.
Lily doesn't want to perform.
Oh, the poor thing.
- You get the kid, I'll get the car.
- Oh, no.
It's really important for Lily's self-esteem that she go on.
I think one of you should talk to her.
You know she stinks, right? And I think it should be you.
(Applause in distance) Lily.
Your teacher tells me you don't want to dance.
Is that true? But you were so good back at the house when you were practicing.
I wanna go home, to my house.
Ah, to your house, huh? Are you sad your dads aren't here? (Classical music playing) Yeah.
Well, I know they're sad to miss this, but they're getting you that baby brother.
That's good, right? You know, honey, your dads are gonna love you just as much when you get this brother.
Trust me.
I first had your aunt Claire, and then your dad came along, and I loved them just the same, no matter what he tells you.
You believe me? (Applause in distance) Close enough.
So what do you say? You gonna go out there and dance for everybody? No.
Honey, there must be something I can do to get you out there.
(Whispers) Come dance with me, grandpa.
No, honey, that's not gonna happen.
How about I give you 50 bucks? I don't see why I can't do this.
I'm totally getting my life together.
Uh, allow me, if you will, to paint an accurate picture of this life - yeah.
- You think you want, okay? Um, at first, it's a blast-- Buying a dish rack, hanging a sheet up to turn one room into two.
Allen-wrenching a bookcase called a Nurnk Mm-hmm.
Because you couldn't afford the Sklurg.
But then Then those bills start rolling in So you gotta pick up some extra shifts.
- Yeah.
- And suddenly (Gasps) Uh-oh, what's that? You're pregnant.
Should've been safe.
(Gasps) Ooh, and you're stressed and exhausted.
You've got a garage filled with unsold huge t-shirts.
And, honey, if you think this kind of stress is not gonna take its toll on that body and that face, think again.
(Singsongy) Good-bye, beautiful skin.
Farewell, silky hair.
(Normal voice) And hello, Alex's hand-me-downs, 'cause you can't afford to shop.
(Gasps) (Whispers) - Good one.
- Mm-hmm.
Do you think that this is gonna work out? Yes.
Well, for my parents, I mean.
For you? No.
God.
I just wanna live with Haley so bad.
It's like, I missed all this time with her in Wyoming.
Then I thought I was gonna lose her again to college.
Don't worry.
I got your back, buddy.
That's not gonna happen.
What does that mean? Dylan, shut the door.
The bedroom door.
(All speaking Spanish) Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Okay.
We're very confused.
Can somebody please just tell us what's happening? Somebody told the grandmother about the baby, and she wasn't supposed to know.
(Lowered voice) If you ask me, it was the sexy priest.
Enough! It wasn't the priest.
It was me.
Eduardo! Oh! Ay! Ay! Oh! What's happening? Yes, I am alive.
And I may be just a ranch hand, but I'm the one that told your abuela about the baby.
I told her because I swore to your mother to look after your family.
Your mother (Whispers) Was my lover.
(Juanita and man) ¿qué? Ay, wait a minute.
Now I go from English to Spanish.
Que él no está muerto C-can we please just see our baby? No! - ¿Abuela? - ¿Abuela? ¿Cómo te atreves a ocultar esto de mí? El bebé es mi familia, y no va a ser educado por extraños.
She's saying that she's going to raise the baby.
(Crying) No.
Cam.
(Groans) (Speaks indistinctly) Guess what? Suddenly, you're 60 years old, wandering toothless and alone in a postapocalyptic wasteland.
Wait a second.
How did Dylan get the nuclear codes again? During the robot wars.
Okay, I think your father might have gotten a little bit off-track here.
Honey, listen, the point is, the choices you make today-- No, no, the point is, is that it doesn't have to turn out so bad.
She's right.
It doesn't.
Luke? This came yesterday.
What is it? It's from that college.
You got in, Haley.
- Oh, d-- - Oh, my God.
- You got into college? - What?! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Aah! - That's amazing! Oh! (Laughs) It came yest-- Yesterday? Luke, why were you hiding this? I don't know.
Do you not want her to go to college? I don't care.
Aw! You're gonna miss me! (Phil chuckles) Shut up! I am not! I'm never telling you anything again.
Sorry, little dude, but she's gotta go to college, even if that means that she can't live with me.
Oh, Dylan.
Could you do one thing for me, though? Could you take me to your prom? - Really? - Yeah.
I mean, if you go off to college and you don't come back here, I want you to remember me.
I wanna be your Angela Wilkins.
Oh.
- Mom? - Yes.
Can I borrow that purple dress I said you were too old for? Mm, in spite of that, yeah.
Yeah.
(Squeals and giggles) - Hey, buddy.
- Mr.
D.
(Chuckles) (Laughs) Do you have a tuxedo I could borrow? Yeah, sure.
I mean, it's the tux I got married in, so it's double-breasted.
Perfect.
So am I.
Okay.
I'm going to get something for my stomach.
(Swiping card) Oh, come on, swipe.
Swipe! M-Mitchell, I need your help.
It won't swipe, and I'm in no condition to "see cashier.
" Mitchell.
Mitchell.
Mitchell? Mitch--Mitchell! Where are you going?! (Voice breaks) I'm just sick of it, Cam.
Mitchell.
Mitchell, come back here and talk to me.
There are coyotes out here and-- and meth addicts! Every time, Cam.
Every time someone says that we're getting a-a baby, I get my hopes up and then And then when it all falls apart, I We just have to go through the whole thing again.
And then meanwhile, the child that we do have is-- is at a recital, and-- and we're missing it.
(Voice breaks) I know.
I'm as frustrated as you are.
Are you? Because I-I don't-- I don't know how much more of this I can take.
I am-- I am so tired and-- and just disappointed.
And I'm just tired.
(Sighs) Then let's take a break.
Really? It must be exhausting, always keeping it together for the both of us.
(Sniffles) (Whispers) Oh.
(Sighs) And I'm tired, too.
I think I'm lying on a rock.
I'm lying next to my rock.
(Chuckles) (Gloria) There's certain moments in life that you never forget, like when I held Manny in my arms for the very first time.
I was nervous.
I didn't know what I was doing.
What do you think? - You guys look amazing.
- Oh, our little girl! And I was so excited to see him grow up.
- Bye, sweetie.
- Have fun, man.
She's asleep.
I tell you, kid, I'm too old for this.
You and me both.
(Clink) And the more he becomes the little man I know today, the more I know I would do it all over again Which is good, because I'm going to do it all over again.
Turns out that I wasn't carsick.
I'm pregnant.
(Phil) Okay, Luke, - let's see what else you've been hiding from us.
- Okay, fine.
Here's a bill for the birdhouse I blew up at the Dude Ranch.
You blew up a birdhouse? Let's hold all questions until the end.
Here's dad's jury duty thing for the day we went to Disneyland.
I didn't want you to cancel the trip.
Good call.
Here's a coupon for a gun range for mom.
I don't know what that's about.
I don't know either.
It's - Report card.
- Mm-hmm.
Report card.
Notice from the city to take down the tree house or be fined $25 a day Report card.
Red light ticket from when me and Manny stole that