Modern Family s07e17 Episode Script

Express Yourself

1 Pameron Tucker, you outdid yourself on these biscuits and gravy.
They are so tasty, they make you want to slap your mama.
- Am I right, Mitchell? - Sure.
If that's a thing, why not? Bless your hearts.
[ Southern accent ] I'm fuller than a dog tick.
Hey, just because they do it It's the least I could do, since you'uns opened your home to me for I don't know how many weeks now.
[ Whispers ] Three.
I just don't get it.
- How could he leave me? - I know.
I'm pretty.
There's nothing I won't let him do in the b-e-d.
Hey, sweetheart, you're such a big eater, aren't ya, huh? I can't believe I got left.
Left! So, Pam got left.
Her husband, Bo, took off with half their stuff when she was out rounding up dazed piglets after a twister.
I'm not kidding.
I insisted she stay with us so I could help build up her confidence again.
Pam's self-worth has always been tied to the attention of men.
Which, you know, maybe isn't the best thing for Lily to witness.
- What are you talking about? - N-Nothing.
I'm probably just imagining it.
I'm not imagining it.
[ Cellphone rings ] It could be him! That could be him, you guys! It could be him! Get! [ Screams ] That could be him! It could be him! It's not him.
[ Screaming ] Wow, this is more reading than I did in my three years at a two-year college.
I'm thinking chili dog, just like Pops -- may he rest in peace -- bought me at my first baseball game.
May I be frank? We have a wiener.
[winner] Oh, that's so weirdly sweet.
And it's so cute how your hair never moves.
- It's like a LEGO.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, I know you! Coachella, dancing on top of my van.
No, I just have one of those faces that -- It's Haley, right? Haley, would you like to introduce us? Um, okay.
Andy, my boyfriend, this is - Tom.
- Tom.
TomTom.
Is that Cherokee? Uh I should -- Bye.
I'm sorry.
Hey, I know that you're a little wilder than I am.
It's one of the reasons I fell for you.
It's exciting.
You don't have to say that.
No, I mean it.
You know what? Let's forget about dinner and a movie.
Let's do what Wild Haley would do instead.
Honestly, I've been kind of ready for Wild Haley to chuck her party pumps in the trash.
Or give them to charity, blah, blah, blah -- whatever.
But if that's one of the things that Andy liked about me, I wasn't gonna shut it down.
Okay, well, we can start at this western place where I know the bartender.
If you hang back, I can get us free drinks all night.
It won't look weird, you ordering two drinks every time you go up? No.
Then let's turn this mother out.
[ Chuckles ] I got pretty lucky pulling that expression out of my fanny.
I'm not usually so quick with party talk, but I've always had this fear that Haley would think I couldn't keep up with her, so I just tried to survive the night and not barf on my dad's old church shirt.
Claire? Claire? Claire? Can we watch the movie now? Honey? Answer him! Honey, please.
I just have to approve this proposal.
I've been working on it all week.
[ Cellphone dings ] Oh my God.
That's right.
Sun never sets on Mama's empire.
No, remember the travel app we signed up for that gives you the last-minute deals? Huh? Three nights in Paris, first-class airfare, four-star hotel for basically nothing.
The flight leaves at noon tomorrow.
We have five minutes to answer.
Wait.
You're not seriously considering this, are you? It's kind of the deal of the century.
Plus, we'd only miss one day of work.
Haley's with Andy.
Luke's on a ski trip.
I don't matter.
Oh, sweetie, by the time we got there, we would be so messed up on the time change, we would just wander around in, like, a nauseous fog.
Or you could just force yourselves to stay up all night tonight, then sleep on the plane tomorrow, and then when you land in Paris, your morning will be Paris' morning.
There we go! Lucky for us, the smart one's home.
It's such a sweet idea, but I am so tired from work this week.
What is more energizing than springtime in Paris? Baguettes baking, mimes miming, skunks in love.
This is what life is.
- C'est la vie, right? - Nope.
Joie de vivre.
Better.
Look, someday, watching movies on the couch is the only thing we'll be able to do, but right now, let's fire a warning shot right through Father Time's beard and spend a weekend in the Eternal City.
Rome.
Emerald City.
Seattle or Oz.
She knows where I mean, and the clock's running! You really want to do this, don't you? We'd be back Tuesday with the story of a lifetime.
[ Sighs ] Press the orange square.
[ French accent ] Pressez-vous Le square orange.
[ Normal voice ] - Yeah! We're doing it! - Aah! Sorry, sleep! You'll have to wait! We're setting our watches to Paris time, which is Nine hours ahead.
- Okay.
- Okay, it's 9:30 right now Oh, my God! 6:30.
- 6:30.
- Oh.
How long's it take to get the makeup off? I got out of Saigon faster.
You like what walks out the door every morning, so don't complain about the process.
I got a floor sander in the garage if it'll open up the bathroom sooner.
Aw, feeling a little put-out, Jay? It's my bathroom, remember? Manny, there's no pimple there.
It's the underground kind.
I can feel my heartbeat in it.
I retired.
I needed a little project.
So I decided to redo our master bathroom.
Yeah, if only someone had told you that it was going to be harder and longer than it looked on YouTube.
Oh, wait! If you just followed the simple bathroom schedule I posted in two places in English and Spanish Yes, who does that? Who puts a schedule up for their family? Uh, don't go in there.
I need to get my vanishing cream.
I can't find it.
Must've worked.
[ Laughs sarcastically ] So funny, I forgot to -- [ Screams ] What happened to the shower?! It was finished! I started over.
I wasn't loving the grout.
This is gonna take at least one more week.
Don't upset yourself.
No, you are upsetting myself! And you're gonna go and sleep on the couch.
Are you serious? Fine.
What are you doing? That's fresh tar in there.
You really want to smell that all night long? I get to make one decision about this bathroom.
The door stays open! Fine.
Um, in all the bathroom confusion, instead of my multivitamin, I may have taken a birth-control pill.
I think you'll be fine.
And anyways, for sure I won't be needing one tonight! It may be the pill, but I'm feeling a little attacked right now.
[ Indistinct talking ] Mm.
Did you drink that while it was still on fire? It's an old habit.
It's how I used to eat my marshmallows.
[ Laughing ] I love this guy.
And you're so pretty.
It's really good meeting you two.
Haley, I'll give you 20 bucks to make out with Bianca.
20 bucks? So, Bianca's a smoker.
Didn't love that.
Or the wandering hands.
But it's all a part of the Wild Haley experience.
[ All cheering ] Aaaaaaah! Yeah! Ohhhh, God! Ohhhhh, no! Oh! 12 seconds! Not bad! And it was so fun.
That's why I was screaming.
Wow, what a night, huh? Sucks it's so late.
Not where we're going.
I know that look -- Vegas! Come on! You in? Turtle-y! I love this idea.
Me too! I was scared we were done.
Let's go.
Oh! Oh! Oh! That's some tender meats.
Ow.
Aah.
I can't sleep when I'm angry.
Never could.
And there's something very wrong with people who can.
[ Snoring ] [ Cellphone tweets ] What are you doing sending e-mails this time of night? Really? You want some company? Gloria's just adjusting to me being around more.
We're on top of each other -- and not in a good way.
Oh, fun.
I was hoping your sex life would come up.
Look, Dad, remodels are tense.
Half the divorces I do start with a remodel.
Or an underwear model.
Can I get you anything? - You know what a Reuben is? - Yes.
No, you don't.
This is a Reuben.
You grill the bread and the corned beef separately.
Now, I said "corned beef.
" There's no vodka in a martini.
There's no pastrami in a Reuben.
You put 'em together.
Then you have 'kraut, Swiss, Russian.
Axis, neutral, Ally.
That's how you remember.
Got it.
Rodrigo! Number siete! What's with people today? Yeah, it's totally people.
Look, Dad, you get so worked up.
You should try doing this thing that I'm doing where I just decide not to let things bother me.
- Really? - Yep.
That's why you're here alone in the middle of the night? It's just a little hard to get work done at my house right now.
So, once a year, some sort of pollen is released into the air, and for two weeks, Cam has allergy-induced sleep apnea and has to use an apparatus in order to help him breathe.
Is it hideous? Is what hideous? I barely even noticed it.
[ Air pumping, echoing ] What's challenging is, Pam has the same condition.
[ Air pumping, whistling ] I thought that maybe I could focus if I could get those contraptions in sync.
[ Whistling stops ] [ Gasping, beeping ] Why did you plug it back in? Charming.
No, unlike you, I didn't engage, and I avoided a fight.
So all is well on my side of the street.
Mitchell, there's a pile of little orange hairs on your keyboard.
You're picking your eyebrows again.
Like you did when I put you in Little League.
Okay, I am a little stressed.
But it's just 'cause I'm -- I'm buried under work.
And Cam's sister is the worst influence on Lily.
But I-I can't yell at her because she's a sopping mess.
So, you know, who am I supposed to yell at? My husband, who needs a machine to breathe? Well, you better find yourself an outlet.
That's why I have scotch and golf and cigars.
Otherwise, I'd be a raging jackass.
- We're out of rye.
- Then bake some! Can you please not yell at the woman who's bringing us our food? Stop that.
That's gross! It's like a fox ran across the table.
We're out of here.
No, I have work to do.
No, you got to blow off some steam.
O-Okay, this sounds a lot like Little League.
We better not be going to a batting cage.
You do not want to put a bat in my hands right now.
Like you could hit me.
Let's go.
Ba-ba-ba! Out of that trance! We're going to France! I can yawn.
It's 2:30 in the morning.
Mais non, mademoiselle! It's 11:30 in the morning.
Mm.
Thanks for doing these.
Yeah.
- Did I mention that -- - Yes, you did -- that if you wear your sweatpants low enough, tonight, I will see London, I will see France, and then, yes, I will see your underpants.
Phil! You're asleep! Oh, no, no, no! It's fine.
We can take a nap.
Europeans are always napping.
Actually, that's the worst thing you can do.
She's right, Claire.
Get up.
Why are you still awake? I'm too excited to sleep.
I'm studying Big Bang nucleosynthesis -- well, more specifically the total Baryonic matter in the universe.
Let's go back.
Dark matter and dark energy make up 95% of all of the matter in the -- - No! Go away! - Stop! We needed help.
And no surprise, first entry on howtostayawake.
net -- coffee.
- This did it.
- This is all we needed.
You want to rub my feet? If you rub mine.
[ Snoring ] Phil! The feet! Why'd we do the feet?! [ Groans ] Second tip -- stay active.
[ New age music plays ] [ Snoring ] You're asleep! Finally, we found something that worked.
For me.
[ Growling ] No! What the hell?! [ Laughs ] - Aah! - Oh, my Nana! [ Laughs ] [ Yawns ] Hey.
What do you say we take a walk and get something to eat? It is French lunchtime.
Sure.
It's worth a shot.
Got to do something first.
[ Screams ] Alex: Aah! Why?! Why would you do that?! Pam: Alls I'm saying is, if you're lucky enough to get this boy Ryan you like, you hold on with both hands.
'Cause once he's gone, you're nothing.
Okay, you don't really mean that.
I don't know what I mean.
I'm just a woman running her fool mouth off.
Okay, not exactly the message of empowerment we'd like to impart to our 21st-century daughter.
What's a Demerol shooter? [ Door closes ] Okay, you know what? Let's keep our voices down.
We don't want anyone woken up and proven correct.
Give me that.
- One more drag! - No.
Stop.
What's the worst it's gonna do? Kill me? Stop it! Hey, I rolled that! Joe: [ Muffled ] Mama! Mama! Mama! What?! Ay.
Sorry, sorry.
It's you, Papi.
What's wrong? Can you please deal with Joe? And also get a therapist? Mama! - But - Mama! That is not coming from his bedroom.
Mama! Oh, no! [ Gasps ] I wanted a glass of water, and I got stuck.
Damn it! Why didn't I close that door so you didn't get stuck like Manny's gerbil in the glue trap?! But you said he ran away.
Yes, most of him did.
Take off your slippers.
Oh, yeah, good idea.
Don't want anything bad to happen to them.
Okay.
Wait! What are you doing?! Are you crazy?! They're Florentine leather! Ay, Manny, that's what we just told you.
We got them in Chinatown.
Okay, Little Joe.
Let's get you out of there.
[ Grunting ] Okay, come on! Okay.
Ay.
Now we're gonna burn these pajamas with the towel and the slippers.
Burn them? It's in my hair, too.
Okay.
I will cut it.
Go.
Grab some scissors and run them back to Mama.
I'll get the scissors, Joe! [ Footsteps departing ] I didn't even want him, and I'm the only one keeping him alive.
Okay, I just have to smooth this out so that Jay doesn't notice anything.
You're really going through a lot of trouble to hide this from him.
You just don't understand.
This is the first time in a fight that I was 100% right and Jay was 100% wrong.
That never happens.
And being right is so important? Get married and then get back to me.
Ay, no! This is stuck! Come help me! Push! [ Clattering ] [ Both screaming ] [ Clattering ] Oh, no! My birthday Rolex! Ay, Manny.
We'll take the check, please.
[ Thump ] No! Oh.
Thank you so much.
I want to go to sleep so bad, Phil.
Oh.
Maybe this will keep you awake.
Our house cannot be this far.
We've been walking for We've passed this mattress already.
It's fate.
God wants me to sleep.
Fight it! Fight it, Claire! Let me go! - No! - No! We're so close! I can't let you quit! Oh, God.
I'm not gonna go to sleep on some filthy mattress.
Okay.
For long.
No.
No! No, no.
I'm sorry.
I'm so tired from work already.
I won't be any fun in Paris.
You should go.
Meet someone.
I don't care.
I just can't do it.
I'm sorry.
You know what? [ Sighs ] Let's not.
I shouldn't have pushed you.
I know I said all that stuff about not wanting to get old, but I think I really wanted to go because I miss you.
Ohhhh.
Because I've been working so much? Yeah, which is great.
I-I really want that for you.
I-I think I I just wanted a little adventure.
But you know what? We've had so much fun tonight.
When was the last time I got to stay up until 5:00 in the morning with you? Give me that hand.
What for? - Oh! - That's to wake me up.
- Wow.
- And that is for ever forgetting that you are the best husband.
- Mmmmm.
- Mmmm.
Oh.
What's that for? For whatever's crawling all over me! Oh, no! They're on me, too! $40 for the hour.
Songs are in the book.
Anyone want a cocktail? - You know how to make a Manhattan? - Yes.
No, you don't.
The only Manhattan -- He's got it, Dad.
Thank you.
Thanks.
So, a karaoke bar, huh? [ Chuckles ] You know, it's a little offensive that you think singing a pop song is gonna solve my problems.
How gay do you think I am? Mitchell! Madonna! [ "Express Yourself" begins ] Oh! Yeah.
Okay.
[ Music stops ] Well, come on! When you were stressed out as a kid, you used to dance and sing Madonna in the living room.
Fixed you right up.
Ah, I'm not surprised.
You think I haven't changed at all in 25 years.
If you were surprised, I wouldn't know it, since you've plucked out all your eyebrows.
Madonna, Mitchell.
[ "Express Yourself" resumes ] News flash -- I am not singing.
News flash -- yes, you are! Ooh.
You know what, Dad? You have been really bossy tonight.
With me, with that waitress.
I-I bet that's why you and Gloria are having problems.
Yeah.
You miss bossing people around at work, so now you're doing it at home.
If I admitted there was some truth in that, could you just give in? You've been grinding around like Lola Falana.
I don't know why this is so important to you.
Can you just let me help you?! Okay, I'm doing this, but only because you need it so much.
Come on, girls! Do you believe in love? 'Cause I got something to say about it.
And it goes something like this.
Don't go for second best, baby Put your love to the test You know, you know Jay: Watching Mitchell, I did feel kind of good about fixing his problem.
Now, being retired, you don't always feel useful anymore.
It's probably why I keep tearing up that bathroom.
I guess it wouldn't be the worst thing to admit to Gloria.
Eh, it'll probably blow over.
Express yourself Damn it.
Express yourself Hey, hey, hey, hey I knew you'd be up, tossing and turning.
Gloria: Yes, yes.
Why are you calling from the couch? Not home.
Long story.
Look, let me get this out.
I have been going crazy with the bathroom, but it's not really about the bathroom.
It's about me not being sure who I am anymore.
You were 100% right.
I love to hear that, but -- No, you were.
Okay.
No rush getting home.
[ Whimpering ] We're fine here.
- Please, please, please, please, please, please! - Come on, black! Croupier: 18 red.
18 red.
[ Groans ] So close.
Gambling is the best! You hand your hard-earned money to strangers and pray it comes back.
[ Laughs ] I know I've had a lot to drink, but that is not Bianca anymore, is it? Nope.
I don't want to believe Clint sold her You guys want to get really crazy? People know where I am.
All-in on one number.
Okay, I guess that's no scarier than when that glow-stick broke in my mouth.
Do it.
[ Chuckles ] Andy, that's, like, a month's rent.
Hey, you got to go big or -- Wait -- the black ones aren't $1s? Really? Okay, could I just -- Croupier: Sorry, sir.
The ball's rolling.
Oh, my gosh.
Andy, what is happening with you? Why are you doing this? What are you talking about? I thought you loved Wild Andy.
No, no.
I love Normal Andy, tomato-soup-and-grilled-cheese Andy.
Still-in-bed-by-11:00 Andy.
Uses-the-word-"tummy" Andy.
Really? Because I've been doing this whole thing because I was afraid you'd get bored and dump me if I couldn't keep up.
I know you can't keep up.
But I'd rather slow down.
I like the me I am when I'm with you.
Well, I wish you would have told me that about a minute ago.
[ Ball clinking ] Aah! I can't watch! The stress is murder on my tummy.
[ Whirring ] [ Sputtering ] Aunt Pam's leaving.
Pameron Jessica Tucker, where do you think you're going? Home -- to get down on my knees and beg Bo to come back.
I'm just gonna lie and tell him I'm pregnant.
No, that is not how mature people handle their problems.
I will fight you.
You are not going to crawl back to that man.
You don't have a choice.
You know I can take you.
Oh, yeah, right.
[ Door slams ] Ooh! Pameron -- No! Ow! Oh! Okay, you know what? You are going to regret that! Ungh! Oh, now you poked the bear! Well, come on, Mama Bear! I'm coming! [ Both grunting ] It's all my fault anyway! - I pushed him away! - Aah! Oh! Because I never listened! [ Grunts ] You really want Lily to think women are weak?! Get off my daddy! You're acting this crazy all over a boy?! Oh, Lily, I'm so happy to hear you say that! Now, pull Aunt Pameron's bra strap! [ All shouting, groaning ] Oh.
Okay.
So we moved the couch.
[ Door closes ] Where were you? I, uh, I had some work to do.
Me too.
Get my man back.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
As much as I'd love to leave this alone, I learned something tonight that I feel like I-I need to share with you.
You deserve the best in life.
So if the time isn't right, then move on.
Second best, it's It's never enough.
You'll do much better, baby, on your own.
Baby.
On your own.
Ohhh.
[ Voice breaking ] My God.
You're right.
Yeah.
Don't go for second best.
Put your love -- It's okay.
I fixed her.
Madonna fixed her.
[ Crying ] Don't worry.
We've got this.
Take all the time you need.
I'm only finishing a 12-hour shift.
Do you got a nickel or a dime or anything? I don't.
Sorry, but you're gonna have to make change.
[ cellphone dings ] [ giggles ] What?! My mom and dad are going to Paris.
Okay, children informed, passports secured, luggage packed.
Oh.
What am I forgetting? Oh, yeah.
Au revoir, Alex! Next stop -- Paradise City! Alex: Guns n' Roses.