Modern Family s09e09 Episode Script
Tough Love
CLAIRE: Ready for your big camping trip? You sure you got everything you need? Everything but the one thing I'd truly be lost without Your Camry.
My GPS is broken.
Can we trade cars? I recently left my real-estate partners to strike out on my own.
But before facing the wilds of the housing market, I'm gonna boost my confidence with six rugged nights of camping at Yosemite National Park and one at the Kawayu Lodge.
I'm I'm concerned, of course, about readjusting to civilization, so I've reserved the garden suite in case I'm more comfortable sleeping outside.
[ SNORTS.]
Uh only because I am picturing myself in a line of people sweeping the woods with flashlights, are you sure a week in the woods is a good idea? Sweetheart, if anything, I'm over prepared.
I have two weeks worth of food, water purifiers a flare gun.
Oh, don't wave that thing around in the house.
Give me a little bit of credit.
I'm not gonna shoot off a flare gun in the house.
[ AIR MATTRESS INFLATES.]
Hey, Lily, the library is saying that "Stripey the Zebracorn" is two months overdue? What what's that about? We have a new librarian, and she's a little She's been drunk e-mailing a lot.
Oh, that poor thing.
Lily, go find that book.
And the fine's coming out of your allowance.
You'll really believe anything, won't you? - I will not.
- Really? Okay Um, hey, remember when you had your grandmother ship us a certain Appalachian hex poppet because you thought our house had evil spirits? Okay, yeah.
Do you have a better explanation of why there were cries and giggles echoing through our walls? Yes.
Our contractor found this in one of the vents.
Listen [TOY COOING, LAUGHING.]
[GASPS.]
Yeah, I think it's one of those dolls they give high-school girls who are high risk for getting pregnant? When would one of those girls have been in this house? I think I was babysitting Lily, and I kinda remember it turning into a party situation.
You know, I sort of recall the air conditioning blasting and I had to shove something in the vent to block it, which was pretty responsible, considering my friend Alicia brought her actual baby there.
[CHUCKLES.]
So many teens going down the wrong path.
I see it every day.
Uh, seems like you're trying to change the subject from you being gullible.
Only because I have a more pressing concern.
Today, I have to oversee my first detention as acting vice principal, and I'm I've just been racking my brain of how I'm gonna reach these kids.
It's, uh, detention.
How about "shut up and do your homework"? [CRYING, MUMBLING.]
What's what's wrong with her? Should I get the hex poppet? I'm just cry-talking.
- I threw my neck out changing Cal.
- Oh, no.
Now whenever I move, all of me comes with it.
Oh, gosh.
Oh, you know what? Why don't you let us take baby Cal, and you go get yourself a rubdown.
[SIGHS.]
You're an angel.
Shouldn't be but a few hours.
[WHISPERING.]
Hey, are you an even bigger rube than I thought? - There's nothing wrong with her neck.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [NORMAL VOICE.]
Oh my God, the baby! - What?! - [NECK CRACKS.]
- No! [WHIMPERING.]
He he winked at me.
JAY: You're gonna love it, Joe.
My dad took me to an air show like this for my 12th birthday.
We saw Blue Angels, fighter jets, a B-52 bomber.
- Something got bombed? - Well, my dad.
He got in a drinking contest with some fly boys.
But that just made it extra fun, 'cause I got to drive us home.
GLORIA: Joe, why is the fort still in the middle of the living room? - I need it.
- For what? Apaches? - Are you being attacked? - Feels like it.
Take it down.
I've told you three times already.
If you don't do it now, we're not going to the air show.
Wait, no fair! Why am I being punished? MANNY: Oh, I didn't expect you guys to be home.
Uh, we're just gonna use the pool.
- Jay, Gloria - Gloria? This is Dr.
Karen Fisk.
She's a movement teacher at my school.
Your son is very talented.
Well, it's always very nice to meet one of Manny's teachers.
Why don't I get us something to drink and maybe some delicious brownies that I was about to throw away because they're only for the good children! Keep your brownies! It's cute, that grown-up routine Manny's putting on to impress his girlfriend.
She's not his girlfriend.
She's his teacher.
Gloria, he brought her home when he thought no one would be around.
Manny has been bringing his teachers home since he was a little kid.
His 9th birthday party turned into a PTA meeting.
Gloria, I think you're just not seeing what you don't want to see.
Believe me, Jay, I see everything.
JOE: [GROANS.]
CLAIRE: The dentist says your new mouth guard should be there tomorrow.
Alex, I am sure you can make it through one night I-I don't know, hit the materials lab and whip up some mouth flubber.
Oh, Claire, thank goodness.
- There was a bit of a trucking mix-up.
- Mm-hmm.
Irving was sent to Julian and can't get to Visalia.
Well, send Dustin to Visalia and have Irving hit Julian and Ramona.
Dustin can't hit Visalia and also Irvine.
- Well, can Julia hit Irvine? - Not Irvine and Tustin.
Fine Send Julia to Julian, Ramón to Ramona, Dustin to Tustin, Irving to Irvine, and I'll drive the damn truck to Visalia! - You? - Yes, of course me, Margaret! 'Cause I have to handle everything anyhow! - If not me, who? - Oh, no.
Mi Hu is going to Carlsbad.
These are your future, and they're headed out the window never to return.
You drop this, Coach? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Yes.
[WHISPERING.]
[SNICKERING.]
Oh, it must be Halloween, because somebody's passing out snickers! - Shane? - Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.
Oh, it's okay, Shane.
I know your type.
Tough guy.
Know it all.
It's like looking in a mirror.
That's right, Shane.
I was you.
Till a local sheriff put me in jail.
In a little program called Scared Straight, which, now that I'm saying it out loud, could have had a double meaning.
24 hours in the joint with some of the most dangerous characters this side of Hell.
Maybe, uh Maybe you'd like to meet some of them.
[SHOUTS.]
[GRUFF VOICE.]
I don't know what you're lookin' at, 'cause I don't ever remember sellin' you a lookin' license! [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Hey, it must be 5:00 a.
m.
outside the McDonald's, because the fresh meat just got delivered! And the Weasel likes fresh meat! [GRUFF VOICE.]
Hey, you back off him! That new boy's mine! OhUncle Cam - "Like.
" - [LAPTOP BEEPS.]
[IRISH ACCENT.]
My friend, Billy.
Billy Club.
- Ay, Cam - Whack! - "Like.
" - [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
MARGARET: Do you even know how to drive a truck? No, Margaret, I don't but unlike the rest of the world, sometimes I just figure things out on my own.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Backing up Shut up, Margaret.
Survival vlog, entry one.
After a five-mile hike and ride down some rapids, I've decided to make my camp here.
The rapids were treacherous.
I took on water and quickly realized my only chance for survival was to push my companion overboard my constant companion fear.
Please stay out of my blind spot.
Merging.
Merging! - [CAR HORN HONKS.]
- Sorry! PHIL: Here's the thing.
In the wild, you either shrink from the challenge, or you realize that confidence is half the battle and you become the master of your environment.
Okay All right.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
This isn't so bad.
Yeah.
- [TRUCK HORN HONKS.]
- That's right, Prius move it.
PHIL: Yep.
Sometimes it's just a matter of thrusting your chest out, staking your claim and letting nature know there's a new sheriff in town.
[FLARE GUN FIRES.]
[BIRDS CAWING.]
This chorizo, these plantains, it's all so delicious.
When did you develop a taste for Colombian? It's called bandeja paisa.
- Oh talented, smart and speaks Spanish.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, please.
Everybody wants to touch those cheeks.
He looks like one of those babies that blow a cloud across the ceiling of a church.
So, tell us, Dr.
Karen, what do you teach? Well, the best way would be to show you.
- Why don't we find our legs? - Fun.
- Now stand beside me and follow along.
- Mm-hmm.
Imagine you're carrying two pails of water.
Uh-huh.
Deep breath.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
No, no, no.
Your chest shouldn't be lifting.
Come place your hands on my neck.
Do you feel how still and open my breathing is? - Oh, a little sensitive there.
- Yeah, you have a little bite there.
- Oh, my bad.
- KAREN: [LAUGHS.]
[CHOKES.]
Okay, that's a little tight.
But I can see where Manny gets his soft hands from! - Oh, that's very, very eye-opening.
- MANNY: Mom.
Mom.
Uh, let's check on the dessert in the kitchen.
What kind of schools allow a teacher to date a student? I'm guessing any art school.
He can't date a 30-year-old.
Manny's still a child.
Manny wasn't a child when I met him.
Look, there was a 10-year period where there was at least one empty chair at my house every Thanksgiving because I had a lot to say about who Mitchell and Claire were dating.
So learn from my one and only parental mistake.
Uh, maybe Karen and I should head out.
I'm sensing some tension.
No, no, no.
This is your house, and you're supposed to be comfortable here.
So, just hang out.
Have more wine.
And don't worry about driving.
You can spend the night here tonight.
Are you sure, Mom? Yeah, I'm sure.
I'll go get some more wine.
Any tips on how she moves? - I've never seen anything like it.
- Right? - Hello, Shane.
- Acting Vice Principal Tucker.
I know you think you're pretty cute right now, but before this day is done, I will get you to admit you sent out that video.
I did send out that video.
- I knew you'd crack.
- Look, uh I'm sorry.
I just really need these kids to accept me.
No, Shane, you don't.
Because they're popular, you think you need their approval.
[SIGHS.]
I'm a cop.
Oh, are you, now? There's concern about some drug traffic at this school.
I am here, undercover, to shut it down.
[MOCKINGLY.]
Okay, yeah.
Okay, well, I kind of always knew you were police.
Well, sure.
You're law enforcement, too.
- We know our own.
- Cop eyes.
- Cop eyes.
- Okay.
So what's the play? There's this new designer drug called Dexomorphone.
- Mm-hmm.
- Kids are calling them "Dum-Dums.
" So there's this big deal going down tonight on the north campus during the basketball game.
- And you want my help with the bust.
- Yes.
By being nowhere near there.
I don't want to spook these dealers.
Copy that.
But in case you need backup, I should be near north campus.
Or nowhere near there.
Or there but slouched down in my car so no one sees me.
- Or at your house.
- Right.
Okay.
[WHISPERING.]
Cop eyes.
Okay.
Okay.
Are we gonna go outside? Yes, we are.
Careful.
How many times have I told you not to leave this here? Someone's gonna trip on it.
There's a lot going on with me right now.
My body's changing.
Okay.
You always use that.
Hey, today, you're gonna learn about responsibility.
Today, you are gonna take care of a baby.
- [BABY COOS.]
- Do you want a toy? Little tough love.
Long overdo, if you ask me.
But it's gonna be good for you, sweetie.
- [BABY CRYING.]
- He's crying.
Well, that's what babies do.
You just got to pick it up, and you got to soothe it.
- All right, then.
Okay.
- It's okay.
- It worked.
- Good.
Just keep it up for the rest of the afternoon.
Wait! I don't know what I'm supposed to do! Well, welcome to being a parent.
[CAMERA BEEPS.]
Survival vlog number two.
UmI descended into the water attempting to retrieve my gear.
- I encountered slippery rocks - [INSECT BUZZING.]
a cold, brisk current, and although I have no photographic evidence of it, a sea serpent.
My ensuing thrashing stunned a passing trout.
I then foraged some wild blueberries and honey from what turned out to be a not [CHUCKLES.]
altogether abandoned hive.
Just goes to show you I don't need all that fancy equipment.
Phil Dunphy can survive in the wild, even [ANIMAL ROARING IN DISTANCE.]
Ha! Ha! That sounded big, didn't it? Good thing I smell like berries, honey, and raw fish, so I'm basically all three courses of a bear's favorite meal! [BEAR GROWLING IN DISTANCE.]
- [HORN HONKS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
That's right.
- Watch them scatter.
- [RINGING.]
- PHIL: Hello? - Oh, hi, honey! I've been out of cell range for most of the day.
I just wanted to check in, see how you're doing.
Oh.
Great, great.
The air, the, uh the trees Moss only grows on the north side of trees, right? I feel like I might be walking in circles.
Is there something called, uh, fool's moss? I don't know.
You sound out of breath.
Is everything okay? No, Claire, I'm worried that a bear or even a family of bears is hunting me.
Of course I'm okay.
I've only been out here for a couple hours.
Uh, uh, what kind of man do you think I am? Well, it sounds like we're both having an adventure.
I just got on a scale, and guess how much I weigh.
5 tons! Yeah, well, we all put on a few around the holidays.
Mwah! Let me call you back a little later.
Meanwhile, uh, I am sending you a pic of me enjoying nature at my last known location in my very identifiable red Gore-Tex jacket.
Anyhoo, leave a check out for the gardener, and you gave my life meaning.
[CAN RATTLING.]
[BABY GIGGLING.]
You're a giggly one, aren't ya? Oh, I miss that sound.
- [RINGTONE PLAYS.]
- Hi.
Can I look? Hey, Lily, how's it going? I'm trying my best, but I don't really know what I'm doing.
Well, better to make your mistakes on this one.
- You know? - [CHIME DINGS.]
Oh, hold on one second.
Oh, someone's sending me a video of daddy.
- CAMERON: [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Hey! - No, not the Weasel.
Okay.
Honey, I got to call you back, all right? Wait! God, he must be so humiliated.
You know he's a doll.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That's sweet.
Thank you.
- [HORN HONKS.]
- CAMERON: Mitchell.
- Cam.
- Hey, hey, hey! I saw that video that's going around.
I am so sorry.
Oh, doesn't bother me.
Good! Good, 'cause it shouldn't, you know? You're just trying to make a difference.
If those kids don't appreciate that, that is their loss.
- Yeah.
And - Mm-hmm.
- it's part of a big sting operation.
- What? So, I shouldn't be telling you this, but Shane, the guy who shot the video, is actually an undercover cop.
- Oh.
- Yeah, and he did the video to sort of, like, humiliate me to get some street cred.
And there's a big drug deal going on tonight, but he wants me to steer clear.
Is anyone else aware of Shane's "21 Jump Street" double life? Well, he's not gonna broadcast it out loud for everyone.
But you did get some paperwork or identification? Okay.
You know what? I think it's hilarious that the person you don't trust is a hero, who's helping fight the Dexomorphone problem that's plaguing - I'm sorry.
What? - The street name is "Dum-Dums," and Shane says there's literally Dum-Dums everywhere.
Okay.
So, Shane not a 16-year-old drug dealer who enjoys humiliating you but a baby-faced police officer, has deputized you, and your first assignment is to stay as far away as possible from a huge "Dum-Dum" deal that's about to go down? Cam, I mean, come I love how trusting you are, but when you start missing things that are that obvious, then, well, you know, I don't have to say anything more.
You know, I can finish up here if you want to go upstairs.
Nah, nah, I'm fine.
You know, um Mom really surprised me before.
This is the first time she's treating me like an adult.
And Karen's great.
I mean, It's nice to be with a mature woman, someone with experience.
So you two haven't slept together, huh? She suggested we come here.
I said fine.
You don't know how relieved I was you guys were home.
But then Mom was so cool with it.
I mean, where's the crazy Colombian the one time I need her? This is dry.
But you like Karen, right? A lot, but, I mean bad enough she's older than I am, she's also a movement professor.
I swear to God, before today, I'd never heard those two words together.
Now it's all I hear.
Look it's normal to be nervous.
Don't do anything you're not ready for.
Talk to her about what you're feeling.
You'll be surprised how much easier things get after one honest conversation.
Thanks, Jay.
One down, one to go.
Joe?! You ready to talk? JOE: For oatmeal raisin? Don't waste my time.
- Is this stuff any good? - It better be.
I laid out half my bar mitzvah bonds to get it.
Sick movie of Coach Tucker, by the way.
[LAUGHTER.]
Glad you enjoyed the film, boys.
Now you can be in one of your own! - What the hell are you doing?! - My job.
I guess I really am a vice principal.
A Miami vice principal No, I guess it doesn't really need the "Miami," does it.
I can't believe this.
You're busted.
What do we got here? Oh, let me guess your your drug money, walkie-talkie.
What's this? A badge.
- [SIREN WAILS, POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
- Wow.
Mitchell's really gonna owe you an apology.
Mm.
[HORN HONKS TO THE TUNE OF "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT".]
[HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE.]
Drive strong, brother.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BEEPS, RINGING.]
PHIL: Hey, Claire.
Hi, honey.
How's it going? Just sitting here by a perfect mountain stream.
Nothing beats the raw beauty of the great outdoors.
How's everything going there? Couldn't be better.
I'm on my way home now, but we were down a driver, so I got to drive a truck today, and I'm loving it.
Makes me feel like a real man.
Yeah? What's that feel like? Something going on with you? Honey, I haven't been, uh, totally honest with you.
I didn't quit Woosnam, Keneally & Dunphy.
They They asked me to leave.
Oh, honey.
What happened? Well, you know, those guys have always been super aggressive, and they didn't feel like I have the same killer instinct that that they do.
Maybe they're right.
Is that what this whole crazy camping thing is about? Proving how tough you are? Maybe, a little, especially since I'll be going out on my own.
Phil, this is a huge thing you've been going through.
Why didn't you say something? Well, you've had such a busy week.
I don't want to be another fire you had to put out.
Okay, listen to me.
Remember how terrified I was when I took over for my dad? The night before my first day in the big office, I was up, heart pounding, pacing a hole in the living-room floor.
And suddenly, you were there.
You just put your arms around me, and it made me realize I'm not going through this alone.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
So forget your idiot partners and whatever it is you're trying to prove with this stupid camping trip.
You're great at what you do, and also What? How How I'm gonna hang up now.
I love you.
Goodbye.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
You didn't sound so good on the phone.
I called the hotel, and they said you checked in early.
Honey, I know I like to complain about people coming to me to solve their problems, but don't you dare not come to me with yours.
By the way, if you don't want people to come to you to solve their problems all the time, - maybe don't be so good at it.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Mm.
- Mm.
- Mm.
- Well Now that you're so into the wild I like where this is going.
- Rawr! - Don'tdo that, please.
- You okay? - [SIGHS.]
Joe is sleeping in a fort downstairs, and Manny's upstairs sleeping with a doctor.
I don't know what the rules are anymore.
No one does, but for what it's worth, I think you made the right call.
I am at least winning one of these fights.
Storming the fort? I'm gonna go and drag him out of there and put him in his bed.
I'm still bigger than Joe, even though that Manny's, like Trust me.
The little boy in Manny isn't gone yet.
â(Trademark)ª LILY: Finally! Where have you been? I have been out walking Cal and guess who's right behind me.
Actually, I've been the one who Who will be going to Disneyland if she plays her cards right.
PAM: Where's my little angel? Oh, hey, hey! Tell me about your rubdown, huh? - Oh! - Oh, boy! Oh, I cant get it.
Now I'm so free and loose I cant pick up anything, move around.
Yep, I'm like an owl.
Oh, there's my little angel! You know what? Thanks for this.
Let me treat you to a bite.
- Oh! - Come on! Lily, we'll be right back.
- How was he? - So quiet, so easy!
My GPS is broken.
Can we trade cars? I recently left my real-estate partners to strike out on my own.
But before facing the wilds of the housing market, I'm gonna boost my confidence with six rugged nights of camping at Yosemite National Park and one at the Kawayu Lodge.
I'm I'm concerned, of course, about readjusting to civilization, so I've reserved the garden suite in case I'm more comfortable sleeping outside.
[ SNORTS.]
Uh only because I am picturing myself in a line of people sweeping the woods with flashlights, are you sure a week in the woods is a good idea? Sweetheart, if anything, I'm over prepared.
I have two weeks worth of food, water purifiers a flare gun.
Oh, don't wave that thing around in the house.
Give me a little bit of credit.
I'm not gonna shoot off a flare gun in the house.
[ AIR MATTRESS INFLATES.]
Hey, Lily, the library is saying that "Stripey the Zebracorn" is two months overdue? What what's that about? We have a new librarian, and she's a little She's been drunk e-mailing a lot.
Oh, that poor thing.
Lily, go find that book.
And the fine's coming out of your allowance.
You'll really believe anything, won't you? - I will not.
- Really? Okay Um, hey, remember when you had your grandmother ship us a certain Appalachian hex poppet because you thought our house had evil spirits? Okay, yeah.
Do you have a better explanation of why there were cries and giggles echoing through our walls? Yes.
Our contractor found this in one of the vents.
Listen [TOY COOING, LAUGHING.]
[GASPS.]
Yeah, I think it's one of those dolls they give high-school girls who are high risk for getting pregnant? When would one of those girls have been in this house? I think I was babysitting Lily, and I kinda remember it turning into a party situation.
You know, I sort of recall the air conditioning blasting and I had to shove something in the vent to block it, which was pretty responsible, considering my friend Alicia brought her actual baby there.
[CHUCKLES.]
So many teens going down the wrong path.
I see it every day.
Uh, seems like you're trying to change the subject from you being gullible.
Only because I have a more pressing concern.
Today, I have to oversee my first detention as acting vice principal, and I'm I've just been racking my brain of how I'm gonna reach these kids.
It's, uh, detention.
How about "shut up and do your homework"? [CRYING, MUMBLING.]
What's what's wrong with her? Should I get the hex poppet? I'm just cry-talking.
- I threw my neck out changing Cal.
- Oh, no.
Now whenever I move, all of me comes with it.
Oh, gosh.
Oh, you know what? Why don't you let us take baby Cal, and you go get yourself a rubdown.
[SIGHS.]
You're an angel.
Shouldn't be but a few hours.
[WHISPERING.]
Hey, are you an even bigger rube than I thought? - There's nothing wrong with her neck.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [NORMAL VOICE.]
Oh my God, the baby! - What?! - [NECK CRACKS.]
- No! [WHIMPERING.]
He he winked at me.
JAY: You're gonna love it, Joe.
My dad took me to an air show like this for my 12th birthday.
We saw Blue Angels, fighter jets, a B-52 bomber.
- Something got bombed? - Well, my dad.
He got in a drinking contest with some fly boys.
But that just made it extra fun, 'cause I got to drive us home.
GLORIA: Joe, why is the fort still in the middle of the living room? - I need it.
- For what? Apaches? - Are you being attacked? - Feels like it.
Take it down.
I've told you three times already.
If you don't do it now, we're not going to the air show.
Wait, no fair! Why am I being punished? MANNY: Oh, I didn't expect you guys to be home.
Uh, we're just gonna use the pool.
- Jay, Gloria - Gloria? This is Dr.
Karen Fisk.
She's a movement teacher at my school.
Your son is very talented.
Well, it's always very nice to meet one of Manny's teachers.
Why don't I get us something to drink and maybe some delicious brownies that I was about to throw away because they're only for the good children! Keep your brownies! It's cute, that grown-up routine Manny's putting on to impress his girlfriend.
She's not his girlfriend.
She's his teacher.
Gloria, he brought her home when he thought no one would be around.
Manny has been bringing his teachers home since he was a little kid.
His 9th birthday party turned into a PTA meeting.
Gloria, I think you're just not seeing what you don't want to see.
Believe me, Jay, I see everything.
JOE: [GROANS.]
CLAIRE: The dentist says your new mouth guard should be there tomorrow.
Alex, I am sure you can make it through one night I-I don't know, hit the materials lab and whip up some mouth flubber.
Oh, Claire, thank goodness.
- There was a bit of a trucking mix-up.
- Mm-hmm.
Irving was sent to Julian and can't get to Visalia.
Well, send Dustin to Visalia and have Irving hit Julian and Ramona.
Dustin can't hit Visalia and also Irvine.
- Well, can Julia hit Irvine? - Not Irvine and Tustin.
Fine Send Julia to Julian, Ramón to Ramona, Dustin to Tustin, Irving to Irvine, and I'll drive the damn truck to Visalia! - You? - Yes, of course me, Margaret! 'Cause I have to handle everything anyhow! - If not me, who? - Oh, no.
Mi Hu is going to Carlsbad.
These are your future, and they're headed out the window never to return.
You drop this, Coach? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Yes.
[WHISPERING.]
[SNICKERING.]
Oh, it must be Halloween, because somebody's passing out snickers! - Shane? - Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.
Oh, it's okay, Shane.
I know your type.
Tough guy.
Know it all.
It's like looking in a mirror.
That's right, Shane.
I was you.
Till a local sheriff put me in jail.
In a little program called Scared Straight, which, now that I'm saying it out loud, could have had a double meaning.
24 hours in the joint with some of the most dangerous characters this side of Hell.
Maybe, uh Maybe you'd like to meet some of them.
[SHOUTS.]
[GRUFF VOICE.]
I don't know what you're lookin' at, 'cause I don't ever remember sellin' you a lookin' license! [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Hey, it must be 5:00 a.
m.
outside the McDonald's, because the fresh meat just got delivered! And the Weasel likes fresh meat! [GRUFF VOICE.]
Hey, you back off him! That new boy's mine! OhUncle Cam - "Like.
" - [LAPTOP BEEPS.]
[IRISH ACCENT.]
My friend, Billy.
Billy Club.
- Ay, Cam - Whack! - "Like.
" - [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
MARGARET: Do you even know how to drive a truck? No, Margaret, I don't but unlike the rest of the world, sometimes I just figure things out on my own.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Backing up Shut up, Margaret.
Survival vlog, entry one.
After a five-mile hike and ride down some rapids, I've decided to make my camp here.
The rapids were treacherous.
I took on water and quickly realized my only chance for survival was to push my companion overboard my constant companion fear.
Please stay out of my blind spot.
Merging.
Merging! - [CAR HORN HONKS.]
- Sorry! PHIL: Here's the thing.
In the wild, you either shrink from the challenge, or you realize that confidence is half the battle and you become the master of your environment.
Okay All right.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
This isn't so bad.
Yeah.
- [TRUCK HORN HONKS.]
- That's right, Prius move it.
PHIL: Yep.
Sometimes it's just a matter of thrusting your chest out, staking your claim and letting nature know there's a new sheriff in town.
[FLARE GUN FIRES.]
[BIRDS CAWING.]
This chorizo, these plantains, it's all so delicious.
When did you develop a taste for Colombian? It's called bandeja paisa.
- Oh talented, smart and speaks Spanish.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, please.
Everybody wants to touch those cheeks.
He looks like one of those babies that blow a cloud across the ceiling of a church.
So, tell us, Dr.
Karen, what do you teach? Well, the best way would be to show you.
- Why don't we find our legs? - Fun.
- Now stand beside me and follow along.
- Mm-hmm.
Imagine you're carrying two pails of water.
Uh-huh.
Deep breath.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
No, no, no.
Your chest shouldn't be lifting.
Come place your hands on my neck.
Do you feel how still and open my breathing is? - Oh, a little sensitive there.
- Yeah, you have a little bite there.
- Oh, my bad.
- KAREN: [LAUGHS.]
[CHOKES.]
Okay, that's a little tight.
But I can see where Manny gets his soft hands from! - Oh, that's very, very eye-opening.
- MANNY: Mom.
Mom.
Uh, let's check on the dessert in the kitchen.
What kind of schools allow a teacher to date a student? I'm guessing any art school.
He can't date a 30-year-old.
Manny's still a child.
Manny wasn't a child when I met him.
Look, there was a 10-year period where there was at least one empty chair at my house every Thanksgiving because I had a lot to say about who Mitchell and Claire were dating.
So learn from my one and only parental mistake.
Uh, maybe Karen and I should head out.
I'm sensing some tension.
No, no, no.
This is your house, and you're supposed to be comfortable here.
So, just hang out.
Have more wine.
And don't worry about driving.
You can spend the night here tonight.
Are you sure, Mom? Yeah, I'm sure.
I'll go get some more wine.
Any tips on how she moves? - I've never seen anything like it.
- Right? - Hello, Shane.
- Acting Vice Principal Tucker.
I know you think you're pretty cute right now, but before this day is done, I will get you to admit you sent out that video.
I did send out that video.
- I knew you'd crack.
- Look, uh I'm sorry.
I just really need these kids to accept me.
No, Shane, you don't.
Because they're popular, you think you need their approval.
[SIGHS.]
I'm a cop.
Oh, are you, now? There's concern about some drug traffic at this school.
I am here, undercover, to shut it down.
[MOCKINGLY.]
Okay, yeah.
Okay, well, I kind of always knew you were police.
Well, sure.
You're law enforcement, too.
- We know our own.
- Cop eyes.
- Cop eyes.
- Okay.
So what's the play? There's this new designer drug called Dexomorphone.
- Mm-hmm.
- Kids are calling them "Dum-Dums.
" So there's this big deal going down tonight on the north campus during the basketball game.
- And you want my help with the bust.
- Yes.
By being nowhere near there.
I don't want to spook these dealers.
Copy that.
But in case you need backup, I should be near north campus.
Or nowhere near there.
Or there but slouched down in my car so no one sees me.
- Or at your house.
- Right.
Okay.
[WHISPERING.]
Cop eyes.
Okay.
Okay.
Are we gonna go outside? Yes, we are.
Careful.
How many times have I told you not to leave this here? Someone's gonna trip on it.
There's a lot going on with me right now.
My body's changing.
Okay.
You always use that.
Hey, today, you're gonna learn about responsibility.
Today, you are gonna take care of a baby.
- [BABY COOS.]
- Do you want a toy? Little tough love.
Long overdo, if you ask me.
But it's gonna be good for you, sweetie.
- [BABY CRYING.]
- He's crying.
Well, that's what babies do.
You just got to pick it up, and you got to soothe it.
- All right, then.
Okay.
- It's okay.
- It worked.
- Good.
Just keep it up for the rest of the afternoon.
Wait! I don't know what I'm supposed to do! Well, welcome to being a parent.
[CAMERA BEEPS.]
Survival vlog number two.
UmI descended into the water attempting to retrieve my gear.
- I encountered slippery rocks - [INSECT BUZZING.]
a cold, brisk current, and although I have no photographic evidence of it, a sea serpent.
My ensuing thrashing stunned a passing trout.
I then foraged some wild blueberries and honey from what turned out to be a not [CHUCKLES.]
altogether abandoned hive.
Just goes to show you I don't need all that fancy equipment.
Phil Dunphy can survive in the wild, even [ANIMAL ROARING IN DISTANCE.]
Ha! Ha! That sounded big, didn't it? Good thing I smell like berries, honey, and raw fish, so I'm basically all three courses of a bear's favorite meal! [BEAR GROWLING IN DISTANCE.]
- [HORN HONKS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
That's right.
- Watch them scatter.
- [RINGING.]
- PHIL: Hello? - Oh, hi, honey! I've been out of cell range for most of the day.
I just wanted to check in, see how you're doing.
Oh.
Great, great.
The air, the, uh the trees Moss only grows on the north side of trees, right? I feel like I might be walking in circles.
Is there something called, uh, fool's moss? I don't know.
You sound out of breath.
Is everything okay? No, Claire, I'm worried that a bear or even a family of bears is hunting me.
Of course I'm okay.
I've only been out here for a couple hours.
Uh, uh, what kind of man do you think I am? Well, it sounds like we're both having an adventure.
I just got on a scale, and guess how much I weigh.
5 tons! Yeah, well, we all put on a few around the holidays.
Mwah! Let me call you back a little later.
Meanwhile, uh, I am sending you a pic of me enjoying nature at my last known location in my very identifiable red Gore-Tex jacket.
Anyhoo, leave a check out for the gardener, and you gave my life meaning.
[CAN RATTLING.]
[BABY GIGGLING.]
You're a giggly one, aren't ya? Oh, I miss that sound.
- [RINGTONE PLAYS.]
- Hi.
Can I look? Hey, Lily, how's it going? I'm trying my best, but I don't really know what I'm doing.
Well, better to make your mistakes on this one.
- You know? - [CHIME DINGS.]
Oh, hold on one second.
Oh, someone's sending me a video of daddy.
- CAMERON: [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Hey! - No, not the Weasel.
Okay.
Honey, I got to call you back, all right? Wait! God, he must be so humiliated.
You know he's a doll.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That's sweet.
Thank you.
- [HORN HONKS.]
- CAMERON: Mitchell.
- Cam.
- Hey, hey, hey! I saw that video that's going around.
I am so sorry.
Oh, doesn't bother me.
Good! Good, 'cause it shouldn't, you know? You're just trying to make a difference.
If those kids don't appreciate that, that is their loss.
- Yeah.
And - Mm-hmm.
- it's part of a big sting operation.
- What? So, I shouldn't be telling you this, but Shane, the guy who shot the video, is actually an undercover cop.
- Oh.
- Yeah, and he did the video to sort of, like, humiliate me to get some street cred.
And there's a big drug deal going on tonight, but he wants me to steer clear.
Is anyone else aware of Shane's "21 Jump Street" double life? Well, he's not gonna broadcast it out loud for everyone.
But you did get some paperwork or identification? Okay.
You know what? I think it's hilarious that the person you don't trust is a hero, who's helping fight the Dexomorphone problem that's plaguing - I'm sorry.
What? - The street name is "Dum-Dums," and Shane says there's literally Dum-Dums everywhere.
Okay.
So, Shane not a 16-year-old drug dealer who enjoys humiliating you but a baby-faced police officer, has deputized you, and your first assignment is to stay as far away as possible from a huge "Dum-Dum" deal that's about to go down? Cam, I mean, come I love how trusting you are, but when you start missing things that are that obvious, then, well, you know, I don't have to say anything more.
You know, I can finish up here if you want to go upstairs.
Nah, nah, I'm fine.
You know, um Mom really surprised me before.
This is the first time she's treating me like an adult.
And Karen's great.
I mean, It's nice to be with a mature woman, someone with experience.
So you two haven't slept together, huh? She suggested we come here.
I said fine.
You don't know how relieved I was you guys were home.
But then Mom was so cool with it.
I mean, where's the crazy Colombian the one time I need her? This is dry.
But you like Karen, right? A lot, but, I mean bad enough she's older than I am, she's also a movement professor.
I swear to God, before today, I'd never heard those two words together.
Now it's all I hear.
Look it's normal to be nervous.
Don't do anything you're not ready for.
Talk to her about what you're feeling.
You'll be surprised how much easier things get after one honest conversation.
Thanks, Jay.
One down, one to go.
Joe?! You ready to talk? JOE: For oatmeal raisin? Don't waste my time.
- Is this stuff any good? - It better be.
I laid out half my bar mitzvah bonds to get it.
Sick movie of Coach Tucker, by the way.
[LAUGHTER.]
Glad you enjoyed the film, boys.
Now you can be in one of your own! - What the hell are you doing?! - My job.
I guess I really am a vice principal.
A Miami vice principal No, I guess it doesn't really need the "Miami," does it.
I can't believe this.
You're busted.
What do we got here? Oh, let me guess your your drug money, walkie-talkie.
What's this? A badge.
- [SIREN WAILS, POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
- Wow.
Mitchell's really gonna owe you an apology.
Mm.
[HORN HONKS TO THE TUNE OF "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT".]
[HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE.]
Drive strong, brother.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BEEPS, RINGING.]
PHIL: Hey, Claire.
Hi, honey.
How's it going? Just sitting here by a perfect mountain stream.
Nothing beats the raw beauty of the great outdoors.
How's everything going there? Couldn't be better.
I'm on my way home now, but we were down a driver, so I got to drive a truck today, and I'm loving it.
Makes me feel like a real man.
Yeah? What's that feel like? Something going on with you? Honey, I haven't been, uh, totally honest with you.
I didn't quit Woosnam, Keneally & Dunphy.
They They asked me to leave.
Oh, honey.
What happened? Well, you know, those guys have always been super aggressive, and they didn't feel like I have the same killer instinct that that they do.
Maybe they're right.
Is that what this whole crazy camping thing is about? Proving how tough you are? Maybe, a little, especially since I'll be going out on my own.
Phil, this is a huge thing you've been going through.
Why didn't you say something? Well, you've had such a busy week.
I don't want to be another fire you had to put out.
Okay, listen to me.
Remember how terrified I was when I took over for my dad? The night before my first day in the big office, I was up, heart pounding, pacing a hole in the living-room floor.
And suddenly, you were there.
You just put your arms around me, and it made me realize I'm not going through this alone.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
So forget your idiot partners and whatever it is you're trying to prove with this stupid camping trip.
You're great at what you do, and also What? How How I'm gonna hang up now.
I love you.
Goodbye.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
You didn't sound so good on the phone.
I called the hotel, and they said you checked in early.
Honey, I know I like to complain about people coming to me to solve their problems, but don't you dare not come to me with yours.
By the way, if you don't want people to come to you to solve their problems all the time, - maybe don't be so good at it.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Mm.
- Mm.
- Mm.
- Well Now that you're so into the wild I like where this is going.
- Rawr! - Don'tdo that, please.
- You okay? - [SIGHS.]
Joe is sleeping in a fort downstairs, and Manny's upstairs sleeping with a doctor.
I don't know what the rules are anymore.
No one does, but for what it's worth, I think you made the right call.
I am at least winning one of these fights.
Storming the fort? I'm gonna go and drag him out of there and put him in his bed.
I'm still bigger than Joe, even though that Manny's, like Trust me.
The little boy in Manny isn't gone yet.
â(Trademark)ª LILY: Finally! Where have you been? I have been out walking Cal and guess who's right behind me.
Actually, I've been the one who Who will be going to Disneyland if she plays her cards right.
PAM: Where's my little angel? Oh, hey, hey! Tell me about your rubdown, huh? - Oh! - Oh, boy! Oh, I cant get it.
Now I'm so free and loose I cant pick up anything, move around.
Yep, I'm like an owl.
Oh, there's my little angel! You know what? Thanks for this.
Let me treat you to a bite.
- Oh! - Come on! Lily, we'll be right back.
- How was he? - So quiet, so easy!