Moving On (2009) s07e01 Episode Script
Taxi for Linda
1 MUSIC INTRO: 9 To 5 by Dolly Parton Tumble outta bed And a-stumble to the kitchen Pour myself a cup of ambition And yawn and stretch and try to come to life Jump in the shower And the blood starts pumpin' Out on the streets the traffic starts jumpin' With folks like me on the job from 9 to 5 Workin' 9 to 5 What a way to make a livin' Barely gettin' by It's all takin' and no givin' They just use your mind And they never give you credit It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it 9 to 5 for service and devotion You would think that I would deserve a fair promotion HORN BEEPS Want to move ahead Sick of you taxi drivers.
Think you own flaming road! I'm reporting you to council.
All right, Linda! Hey, we got three numbers and the bonus ball up last night.
186 quid! Between 19 of us.
I'll buy a bottle of orange squash to celebrate(!) HORN BEEPS On the boss man's ladder But you got dreams he'll never take away You're in the same boat with a lotta your friends Waitin' for the day your ship'll come in And the tide's gonna turn And it's all gonna roll your way Workin' 9 to 5 What a way to make a livin' Barely gettin' by It's all takin' and no givin' Anyone for Beresford, near the new Sainsbury's? 'Sammy 9.
Still outside 5 Rawcliffe.
'Flippin' joke this, Frank! 'Do your call-back again.
' 'Sammy 9, you big dope - it's 5a! She said it's round the back.
It's the red door next to the wheelie bins.
'Are you messing! I'm not getting out the cab round here.
'The rats have got rats!' Kwiker Kabs, the cabs that you can trust! - KETTLE WHISTLES - Oh, what's the latest news? Have you heard yet? Oh, you'll make a lovely grandmother! Mmm, yeah.
How many she having? Eight! No, no, no, I'd love one, but, er, no, I'm allergic.
Yeah, me head swells up like the Elephant Man's.
Mmm, yeah.
No, it doesn't hurt.
Only when people can't tell the difference! Er, yeah, he should be on his way to you now Oh, you're in luck, it's a blue Renault Espace, coming up your road right now.
Yeah, no problem.
Yeah, ta-ra, love.
'Kenny 1-8.
I'll take Beresford.
' Ah, nice one, Kenny boy.
TOGETHER: Kenny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling 'Give it a rest! You're not Kylie and Jason!' So? All right.
All right, know-it-all.
- I said! What did I say! - Well 'Verno 1-4.
You after me?' What have I been telling you for months? Yeah, hello, Verno.
Er, just picked a passenger up from the retail park.
She's left her shopping bag in the back.
- She's having a mild panic about a prawn ring.
- Aren't we all? 'Dozy mare.
I said, "Check if you've got everything.
" 'Yeah, I can see it under the passenger.
'I'll swing it round there.
' Ointment and two tablets for five days.
I should have been a flaming doctor, me.
- A consultant, more like, the amount of Holby that you watch.
- Oh! TOGETHER: You buy one, you get one free! Kwiker Kabs, the cab firm you can trust.
Told you.
Send a canary in.
Pray for the day we get our own ladies! This chair's killing me.
How many times?! One of them massage things from catalogue.
Shiatsu? Bless you.
Plug it in and hey presto! - Oh-h! - You'll be a new man.
- Come here.
Is it here? - Oh, yeah, yeah, there.
Two games and a bucket of ribs for a tenner at the bowling.
Yeah, Mike took her Saturday.
Never shut up about it.
Barbecue sauce to die for.
Why don't you two get up there? It finishes Friday.
Eh, what d'you reckon? I've nothing in for my tea.
Bowling? With your back! Anyway, I'm sorted for tonight.
Last night's spag bol.
Always tastes better the day after, doesn't it? Right, night, gang.
Eh, hang on, er We've not sorted out tomorrow's dinner! Oh, yeah.
Thursday.
Pie day or pasty? Pie, but I'm easy.
Let's go pasty.
Live a bit! Eh, I'll swing by that French bakery that you like.
You know, where the where the bloke pretends to be French.
There's always a queue out the door! Oh, anything for you, ma petite cherie! Au revoir! Take your time, Francis.
THE APPRENTICE THEME PLAYS Eh, I'm telling you, he's going to fire the blonde one.
Are you kidding? She did all selling! No, that drip with the spiky hair.
He were a right waste of space, thought he were Gordon Gekko.
Yes! Ha-ha! 'I told you!' Oh, it's a fix! Two-nil to me! All right, I'm going a bo-bo.
I'm shattered.
I'll see you in morning.
Yeah.
I'll see you at the coal face.
- 'Night.
' - Night, Frank.
Oh, Lind Lind - Sorry about your wait, mate.
Yeah, John will take you home.
- Thank you.
OK, Mr McCreedy, but he did say that he'd rang the bell three times.
- Nothing in arrears - Well, it's not our fault your batteries don't work.
OK, OK, I'll send you another one in about 10 minutes.
- Moaning get from Oakmore.
ALL: - Oh-h! - Hate that man.
- You know what? He never tips.
And now my glamorous assistant will reveal this week's lost property! Ta-da! Excitement never stops round here, does it? - OK, so today we have 14 umbrellas - Oooh! - Come on.
- Oh, no.
a book on Tantric sex THEY LAUGH Eh, let's have a look! My ex-wife was an expert at this.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Thought it said "turgid".
See, he's wasted in here, is our Frank.
Quality entertainment.
You don't get that level of witty repartee at King of Kabs.
- Er, a man's scarf, 35% cashmere! ALL: - Oooh! Half a bottle of vodka, unopened, no frills, but we're not proud.
- MEN SHOU - Eh, eh, eh, keep your hair on.
Christmas do.
One of those low-fat grill thingies, brand new, still in the box.
Great, I've been after one of them for ages.
Get back to me 30 waist.
You don't need one of these, mate.
What you need is a time machine.
- 19 Gladesville, off Station? - I've put two and a half stone on - 10 minutes, love.
- .
.
since I've been here! - Yeah, and you know why? You're always in Jean's caff, what d'you expect? - And we all know why, don't we? - ALL: - Whoo-oooh! Loves her hot buttered baps, don't you? - Eh, eh, mind your language, there's a lady present.
- Where? - Hey, losers! - Cab's on its MEN CHEER Hey, the man with the tan! How you doing? All right, Bertie, Bertie, Bertie! David Dickinson rang.
He wants his skin back.
Hold me ribs, hold me ribs! Well, well, well, Terence.
A blast from the past.
- I heard you were at Lenny's Limo.
- No, no, no, Frank.
I binned that a long time ago.
You know what it's like, snotty 16-year-olds throwing up on the back seat, doing moonies out of the window.
No, got rid of that.
So what you doing here, then? He's taking over my collar for three weeks while I'm in Los Cristianos.
Any seven-seaters fancy a run out to Manchester airport, nine o'clock tonight, pick up from Arrivals? Just sussing my options, Frank.
Er, you're still looking for drivers, though, ain't you? Yeah, always.
I can sort you out.
What you driving at the mo? - A big pink limo! - Oh, very funny, big man.
Nice to see you! Er, well, I'm just sorting out a trade.
It'll all be sorted by the time Kenny gets back, you know.
You have a look what's on the lot? 220 a week, all in.
I'll have a butcher's, but, you know, can't promise you anything.
OK, Eddie the Eagle.
It's yours.
I'll text you flight details.
So bounced back, have we, Boomerang Boy? Hey, Hot Lips! TERRY CHUCKLES How you been? Have you missed me? Yeah, like I miss WeightWatchers(!) - Nice to see you again, Frank.
- Terence.
Er, how much, Frank?! You should be wearing a mask.
- It's only got 130,000 on the clock.
- Frank, I want to lease a car, - not something that's been to the moon and back! - Look, - they're all good workhorses, these.
- Yeah? Listen, why don't you get yourself a pair of tights, stick it over your nut and hold up a post office, eh? - Taxed, insured.
- Fill 'em up and Bob's your auntie.
- No, it's all right.
I'll go and speak to King of Kabs.
- Look, you won't find cheaper than this! - Frank! See you later.
- Give us a twirl, then.
- Oh, come on.
- Go on.
Look, I took the plunge, Saturday.
You hate it, don't you? - Go on, be honest.
- No, no, no, no.
It's too young, ain't it? It's just a bit "snug".
Oh-h! I knew I should have gone for the XL.
Eh, Frank, you taking bookings God, here we go.
Go on, give it to me.
I can take it.
you know, for the Status Quo tribute act?! FRANK LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY Call an ambulance, me sides are splitting.
No, seriously, I like it.
I like it.
I really La-la-la-like it, la-la Oh, Frankie Rossi, come on! All right, Linda? Frank, I'm sorry.
I weren't laughing at you.
It's just I mean, it's a really nice jacket.
Yeah, suits you, Frank.
Doesn't it, Chantelle? Yeah, not half.
Me dad's got one exactly the same and he's loads thinner than you.
- Mum! - Come on.
You know what lads are like - any excuse to take the mick.
Eh? Don't be daft.
I can't help it if I'm an international style icon, causing jealousy in certain circles.
Cuppa? - Yeah.
FRANK SIGHS Night, Derek.
- One bonus ball, but nothing with it.
- Oh-h! You have a flat tyre.
Already! I've only had it a fortnight! Garage swore it had a new set of wheels! You know, it was probably a slow puncture or a leaky wheel valve.
Can I just stop you there? You've started to talk in a foreign language.
Well, you've probably got a nail stuck in it.
Best get your bloke to take a look, I reckon.
Yeah, well, me and George Clooney, it's over, ever since he went and married that beautiful international high-flying lawyer.
Oh, you fancy the Clooney, do you? Jealous? - Er what of that little runt? - Wow.
I'll make sure I've got my tape measure with me, next time I bump into him in KFC.
- Well, I wouldn't bother, Linda, cos, you know, I saw him in Burger King recently - he was so small he couldn't look over the counter.
The lady was going, "Next! "Who's next? I can't see anything, who's next?" So how much is this going to cost me? Nah, put your money away.
I'll take a look for you.
You will? Yeah, yeah, come on.
You got a spare and a jack in the boot? Come on! You do know what a jack is, don't you? Yeah, course I do.
It's in there, right next to the body rolled up in the carpet.
You know, you're quite funny for a girl.
Here we go.
Chantelle! Listen up, ladies, it's the job of the week.
And it's a business meeting, Friday, Plymouth, 4am, it's a round trip, same day.
I've quoted £600.
Grand draw in 20 minutes, in the hat unless you let me know otherwise.
Base to Sammy 9.
Are you there, Sammy? - 'All right, Linda.
What's up?' - Your youngest just called office.
He's forgotten to take his footy boots into school.
Can you drop them off? He's got a match later.
'They're at his mother's.
Told him yesterday to bring them over.
' Honestly, you and your ex.
I'm going to write out a class timetable so everyone knows what they're supposed to be doing instead of all this to-ing and fro-ing.
They treat you like a taxi driver! Did you see what I did there? - You're wasted in here.
- I know.
'Why doesn't she ask her new bloke, see if he'll do it? 'Does everything else, according to her!' LINDA CLEARS HER THROA Good morning, Kwiker Kabs, the cabs you can trust.
No, thanks.
Oh, flaming Oakmore! Yeah, all right, love, it'll be about 10 minutes but can you keep your ears open, I can't keep sending two drivers all the time.
So, is that a no, then? Oh, I'm just don't feel hungry today.
Mr Sunshine from Oakmore anyone? What? I've never eaten a whole one.
I don't think I can manage it on my own.
Test yourself.
You never know what you can achieve if you don't try.
CAR DOOR SHUTS Eh, you know that DVD you watched last night? Is, er I never found out what happened in the end.
- It sounded really good.
- Back in a sec.
Any chance I could borrow it? You had a four-inch nail in the tread.
You've had it washed and everything.
Yeah, full valet, put some smellies in there, the works, you know.
- Nice motor you've got there, Linda.
- So what do I owe you? Sunday.
Eh? Well, that that's my night off.
What about it? Well, you're going to take me for drinks, aren't you, as a way of saying thanks? And if you're really lucky, I might let you buy me a bag of chips on the way home.
On one condition.
Oh, aye.
What's that? That you keep your hands to yourself, cos I ain't that kind of girl.
Sammy 9.
Sammy 9? Your ex called again.
Yeah, your middle one, he's left his packed lunch behind and you're late with the child support.
Sammy 9? His missus is a right one.
She's turning this place into a Jeremy Kyle on wheels.
- Frank? - Yeah? Can I ask you something? I need a really honest answer.
Is it about that egg custard? No, it's about office romances.
Go on.
I think Terry Linton just asked me on a date! 25 Micawber Close - she's been waiting 15 minutes already.
Someone must be around there? - Should have said.
I could have fixed it for you.
- Hmm? Fixing a tyre, it's a five-minute job.
Oh.
He just offered.
Come on, you lot, she's a regular.
She's going to be late for her shift.
And how much did that cost? You should have gone to Sullivan's.
Go there in future, they look after loads of the lads 'ere.
Frank, it were a flat tyre, not the end of the world.
Micawber Close, she's a lovely girl lap dancer.
'Jimmy 11 - I'll take her.
'Derek 2-2 - I'm only round the corner.
' Jimmy, it's yours.
Sorry, Derek, first come, first serve.
Hang on, what lap-dancing clubs are open at half past one in the afternoon? None.
She's a cleaning lady.
Does all offices in town.
COMPUTER BEEPS Listen up, ladies, traffic alert.
Lights out, New Heys Drive junction meets Waterside, just in time for rush hour.
New Heys Drive - isn't that nice Greek restaurant up there? Do you think it'll be lively on a Sunday night? Sunday? Who goes out on a Sunday? And our official Driver of the Week TOGETHER: Driver of the Week! is Billy 1-7 who helped to deliver a six-pound, four-ounce baby on his back seat and got himself on the front page of the Chesterfield Shopper! Well done, Billy! I'm taking Terry out for a bite.
I told you this morning, didn't I? What? He's making you take him out for fixing a flat tyre? Well, he's not "making" me.
THEY LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY - Oh, thank you very much.
- Thanks.
- Mmm.
So much for Sunday being the new Friday, eh? So come on, then, tell me what's changed at Kwiker Kabs since I've been away? Oh, loads of stuff, yeah.
Gents had a lick of paint.
We bought a new welcome mat.
We toyed with clubbing together for a juicer, but it caused a lot of bad feeling.
So have you never fancied a change of scenery? Nah.
Where else would I go? - Have a laugh with lads, money's not bad.
Cheers.
- Yeah, cheers.
So go on, tell me is there a Mr Linda? There was.
Five fantastic years squashed into 15 years of marriage! Got a lad, 22 now, training to be a quantity surveyor in Bishop Stortford.
Stuffed vine leaves.
Never that sure about them, are you? So what's the deal with you and Rigsby? Who? - Frank.
You know, you two never - HE WHISTLES Me and Frank? No! No, no nothing like that.
We're just good mates.
Oh, it's just I had you two down as a right Richard and Judy, you know.
Oh, yeah, yeah, we get on dead well.
But no, no, no, it's never been anything like that, no.
It's all right.
I'm just finding out the lay of the land, that's all.
Do you want to dip in me taramasalata? No, thanks.
Trying to give it up.
THE APPRENTICE THEME PLAYS 'Come on, lads, don't go shy on me.
Anyone for Smithfield' Sorry, I'm always forgetting to turn that off.
You must get fed up, listening to us lot blathering on all day.
Well, normally it's quite entertaining, obviously not your bit, but Quite the silver-tongued fox, aren't you? Well, so they tell me.
Right, well, um, night, then.
Night, then.
Hold on, where d'you think you're going? KETTLE WHISTLES Ground Control to all cabs.
There's some dodgy tenners doing the rounds, so watch out, ladies.
- Morning.
- Hiya.
- Nice weekend? Oh, well, you know, I mowed the lawn.
I went to IKEA and, er, lost the will to live.
You? Oh, shattered.
Out Friday, out Saturday and then Sunday lunch at that new tapas place.
Good morning, Kwiker Kabs, the cabs you can trust.
Yeah, yeah, just let me check, love, 14 Delamere Jimmy 1-1, you on your way to Delamere Crescent? Er, he's at the lights at Crawford Road.
Driver's at Crawford, love, be about two minutes, red Ford Mondeo.
- Sorry for the wait.
- So you went out with the girls, then? Er, no, no, Terry took me out.
So, er, this a thing, you and him? Well, you know, the boys were just wondering, you know, they love a bit of gossip.
Oh, I don't know.
You'll have to ask Terry.
When do you officially become official? 'Verno 1-4.
Heard there's dodgy tenners doing the rounds too.
' Yeah, roger that.
Well, I just wondered, you know, you've been what, out six times in two weeks, you know, that's official, isn't it? Have we? Who's counting? Just wondering if I should be buying a hat.
Come on, Frank, get some chips, eh? Ah, no.
I said, "Sunshine, it's £28.
50," and he said, "Call the police.
" I said, "You can call an ambulance unless you get your wallet out, mate.
" I hope you're not using threatening behaviour with the passengers.
- It's all they understand around here, Frank.
- I hate runners.
I had one last week.
- Chased him right along the canal.
- Keeps you fit.
- Look, I'm serious.
You can't be threatening our customers.
The Licensing will be all over us.
I'm not running a charity, all right? What are we supposed to do? It's all right for you sitting in here, Frank.
Your wages are guaranteed.
Yeah.
That's settle, all paid up.
Linda, lost property, please.
Oh! Oh, nowt exotic.
Nine brollies, a pair of kids' mittens, a vintage Nokia.
Anyone fancy Oh.
Anyone fancy a pick-up from the hospital? Pick up some meds for EN at St Eddie's.
Eh, Linda, you got anything else in that box? Only, er, I seem to have lost my heart.
Thought there was a funny smell in here.
Must be all the stale cheese.
Hello, Kwiker Kabs the cabs you can trust.
All right, Verno? 15 Ashbridge Road to station, rush job, needs to be on 13.
47 to Euston.
I thought you'd popped out.
Where's your motor? Didn't I tell you the other week? Terry's been borrowing it.
Jimmy 1-1, can you pick up, please? 'Sammy 9.
I'll take Ashbridge, Linda, right by there.
' Nice one, Sammy.
- I thought he was cab-sharing with the night collars? - Oh, no.
That were ages ago.
- Well, where's his wheels? - Oh, he took it in for a trade-in and they said that his radiator had gone or his carburretor or whatever.
Anyway, that needs fixing before they'll even look at it.
Kettle's done, I've not had a minute.
COMPUTER BEEPS Oh, look at that.
Houston, we have a problem.
Accident at Borough, corner of Eton.
Lorry into a wall, sounds messy.
- How long you letting him have it? - As long as he needs.
He reckons his might not even be worth fixing, might be a goner.
- 'Jimmy 1-1.
You want me?' - Yeah, hiya, Jim.
That last pick-up, thinks she might have left her pension book on your backseat.
- So he's doing his shifts in yours? - Well, yeah, why not? It makes sense if I've just got it parked up here all day.
- I hope he's paying you settle? - 'It's not in my cab.
'I'll bet she's dropped it in the road, the daft old moo.
' All right, Jim, I'll give her a call back.
She's in a right tizz.
- Got manageress of post office to call us.
- 'She still there?' - Eh, the mileage won't half add up.
- Er, yeah, I think so.
They were giving her a cup of tea to calm her down.
'I'll shoot back, give her a lift home.
' Aw, you're a sweetheart.
Isn't he lovely? Base to all drivers, I know it's only Tuesday but Jimmy 1-1 is already officially Driver of the Week.
TOGETHER: Driver of the Week! - Linda, I don't think you've thought this through.
- It's only a car.
- You'll have to get him fully comp.
- He sorted it out with his insurance.
It's a pile of paperwork.
Licensing need to know the exact vehicle.
He knows.
Oh, God, he's got some nerve asking you for your motor.
Frank, don't worry about it.
'Sammy 9.
15 Ashcroft just flagged down a hackney! 'Right in front of me!' What about wear and tear? The cow! I'll put her on blacklist.
It's only for a few weeks.
And what if it can't be fixed? He can't expect to gad about in yours for free! Honestly, Frank, it's not a problem.
I'm not going to start charging the bloke I love for using me car, am I? - OK, what about there? Is that nice? - Ooh.
Up a tiny bit.
- Yeah, right on the shoulder blade.
- Like that? - Perfect! It'll be about ten minutes, ten minutes, yeah.
How do you not notice you've left your arm in the back of a cab? Dead useful, though.
Come 'ere, give us it.
SHE CLEARS HER THROA Eh, Sammy, you could do with one of those, save getting yourself a bird wouldn't it, eh? Give us a go! Here you are.
Anyone for Miller Lane? RAUCOUS CHEERING Oi! Will you lot please keep it down?! This is supposed to be a place of work, not a flaming playground! - Oooh! - Eh, Sugar Lips, catch you later.
Linda.
Frank, watch.
So versatile.
Every home should have one.
I hope no-one claims it.
I've known Frank for years and never known him anything but laughing and joking, until this last couple of months.
Don't get involved.
How d'you fancy phoning for a take-out, to save you cooking? He's my mate.
- But it's not your problem.
- Well, I still want to look out for him.
Really obvious.
He's got the hots for you.
- Oh, don't be stupid! No, not Frank.
- Here we go.
It's never been anything like that.
No way! Well, that's not what he thinks.
Well, I've never given him any impression.
Well, you can't stop him fancying you, can you? Right, I fancy beef curry, half rice, half chips.
Kwiker Kabs, the cabs you can trust.
Oh, no, sorry love, you want, er you want all the eights.
You all right, Frank? Yeah, why wouldn't I be? You just seem a bit quiet that's all.
- Would you mind if I went and got my dinner? - Help yourself.
THE APPRENTICE THEME PLAYS TV STOPS Base to Terry 1-0.
Base to Terry 1-0.
Can you pick up, please? And it's definitely got air conditioning? Sounds great.
Yeah, yeah, seven nights Um, oh, twin room? But you can push the beds together? Yeah, yeah, it's our three-month anniversary.
LINDA GIGGLES Yeah, oh, well, yeah, I've just got to double-check with my fella, but it sounds perfect.
I'll ring you back in about half an hour.
Is that OK? OK.
Bye.
Bye.
Terry 1-0 to base.
Soon as you can.
Cuppa? Yes, please, if you're making one.
Well, I wouldn't be offering if I wasn't, would I? Terry.
Frank.
So when did they release you back into the wild, then? Taking your time with the drop-offs.
Chatty one, was she? You know what it's like - old lady, loves to chat.
Yak-yak-yak.
Helping her out with the bins.
See, I had you down as smarter than that.
- I was banking on you saying it was your sister-in-law.
- Eh? You see I did the old ring-back.
Didn't exactly sound like someone's nan.
Cup of coffee, bit of banter.
Twice a week? Hey-hey! Proper little Miss Marple, ain't you, eh, Frank? What is your beef, eh? Time is me own.
This car isn't.
What you going to do? Grass on me to Linda, are you? Razzing around in her wheels, stringing her along and all the time you're seeing another woman.
- Oh, behave, Frank! - I'm not sure she'd be too happy about that.
What? Whoa, whoa.
I thought you were supposed to be my mate? She's my mate, not you.
Right, Frank, Frank, Frank.
I'm going to be straight with you, OK? On the level.
I'm skint.
That car that I was supposed to trade in got repo'd.
Yeah, why don't you throw a dead dog into the equation.
This isn't an X-Factor audition.
I know it sounds like a bogus story.
I've got the ex wife on my back, council want to take me to court, and I'm getting the agg with the finance.
And along comes Linda with a four-door saloon.
Perfect.
- What's the big deal? I'm just borrowing the car.
- And what else? She's getting excited about booking a three-star holiday in Lanzarote! - I didn't ask her to.
I don't have that kind of money.
- Yeah, - but you can afford to put your hand in your pocket for your sunbeds, can't you? It wasn't supposed to get serious.
If only you'd told her that.
Frank, come on! I don't have this kind of money.
You know what it's like on the road.
You got to pay your settle, your diesel and all the other things - Everybody's in the same boat! - No, except you, Frank! Except you! You're all right.
Cushy little number, sitting behind the desk.
Popping out all the orders, doing your thing.
It's not about the money.
It's about doing the decent thing.
No, Frank.
Hey, Frank.
Oi, you listen to me.
It's always about the money, OK? I can't afford to be a stand-up human being! I've got the bailiffs on my back.
Oi-oi-oi, I'm talking to you, and they do not care about principles, all right? Frank, I'm living day-to-day on these payday loans.
Frank, listen, I'm talking to you.
You listen to me when I'm talking to you.
If she's a good friend of yours, then you will say nothing.
Oi! You listen to me.
Frank! Oi.
- Oi-oi-oi, you say nothing.
- ENGINE REVS Frank! Houston, we have a problem.
Chanley Road, burst water main.
- Blooming MOT.
470 quid! - Don't suppose Terry's paying for that? - Cuppa? - Yep.
Linda if something was going on, something you didn't want to know about, you know, someone wasn't playing fair Something on your mind, Frank? - You'd want to know about it, wouldn't you? - Depends what it was.
19 Fairways Drive.
You might want to check his timesheet.
- And? - Well, he seems to spend quite a lot of time there.
So, Terry's got another woman behind me back? Is that what you're getting at? Well, I just thought you'd want to know.
No.
You wanted me to know.
You've been dying to tell me.
Well, guess what? Terry said that you'd try and cause trouble, told me all about it.
Old lady, been taking her out on pension day for years, shopping, always wants him to stop for a brew, talks the leg off him.
Linda, I know you don't want to believe it, but I had everything checked out.
Yeah, yeah, he told me that you've been snooping about.
I saw you outside my place.
You've turned into a right weirdo.
- Yeah, well, I was just looking out for you.
- Is that what you call it? Prowling about, lurking in bushes, checking up on people.
Linda, are you stupid? Please! Don't let him walk all over you.
It's none of your business.
He's taking you for a ride.
Who says? I mean, I'm sorry.
Did I look too happy? You had to pour a whole bucket of dog toffee all over me.
You know, Terry were right about you.
You've sat there for years and not had the guts to ask me out on one lousy date.
And now you're fuming because he's rocked up and swept me off my feet.
Well, whether you like it or not, he's a proper man! Proper man? One that's using you, Linda! 'Jesus, I can do better than you, Frank! You're pathetic.
'I can't believe you'd say something as malicious as this.
'What have I ever done to you?' Look, he's been there for over three quarters of an hour - watching Countdown with some old biddy? What does it take to convince you? Stay out of my life, Frank.
I'm taking an early dinner.
Linda, please don't let him treat you like this.
Save it, I'm not interested.
Wake up.
He's desperate to make some readies.
You need to stop this now, Frank, or I'm going to have to change the roster.
I'll pick up some teabags while I'm out.
Linda! He doesn't want you.
Oh, This is just nasty for sake of it now.
Wake up, Linda! It's the car, woman! All he wanted was the car! I need a lift.
I'm sorry.
KNOCKS ON DOOR Looking good for 84.
Must give me the name of your face cream.
You being funny? Is Terry here? Don't know no Terry.
Drives that taxi? Oh, you mean Tony? His name's Terry.
Tony! Someone here for you.
You all right, sweetheart? Oh Thought you said you weren't married.
Yeah, well, you are! - Keys.
- Right, Lin, Linda, this This is not what it looks like, all right? Just Happy now? Go on.
Get lost.
- Hold on, how am I supposed to get back? - Call a cab.
Oh-h! MEN CHA All knew, didn't you? All having a good laugh at me behind my back! - Heaven! - She is not a happy bunny, is she? - No.
It's not our fault, is it? It was all over the radio! We didn't ask them to play it.
You can tell Frank I've resigned.
Oi, Frank! What she didn't know wouldn't hurt her, but you could not keep your fat, big mouth shut, could you? You think I didn't want to see her happy? Well, I'm sorry, Terry.
Get your stuff, you're finished here.
All right, Linda? - Hiya, Derek.
- How you doing? Yeah, fine, you know, still waiting for rollover.
Any chance of you coming back? Nah, don't think so.
Shame.
You're still in the syndicate, I've made sure of that.
Well, best get going.
Yeah.
See you.
Bye.
Me and the lads, we did know.
He's always been the same - women all over the place.
It's just the way he is.
It's only Frank had the guts to tell you.
See you.
See you.
Any six-seaters for the races? 'Verno 1-4, I'll take that.
And did you forget? 'I took some old geezer to A&E and waited with him 'for four hours till he got seen.
'Why aren't I Driver of the Week?' We're not doing that any more.
MUSIC INTRO: Lovely Day by Bill Withers When I wake up in the morning, love Good morning, Kwiker Kabs, the cabs you can trust.
And the sunlight hurts my eyes And something without warning, love Bears heavy on my mind Then I look at you And the world's all right with me Just one look at you And I know it's gonna be A lovely day Lovely day, lovely day
Think you own flaming road! I'm reporting you to council.
All right, Linda! Hey, we got three numbers and the bonus ball up last night.
186 quid! Between 19 of us.
I'll buy a bottle of orange squash to celebrate(!) HORN BEEPS On the boss man's ladder But you got dreams he'll never take away You're in the same boat with a lotta your friends Waitin' for the day your ship'll come in And the tide's gonna turn And it's all gonna roll your way Workin' 9 to 5 What a way to make a livin' Barely gettin' by It's all takin' and no givin' Anyone for Beresford, near the new Sainsbury's? 'Sammy 9.
Still outside 5 Rawcliffe.
'Flippin' joke this, Frank! 'Do your call-back again.
' 'Sammy 9, you big dope - it's 5a! She said it's round the back.
It's the red door next to the wheelie bins.
'Are you messing! I'm not getting out the cab round here.
'The rats have got rats!' Kwiker Kabs, the cabs that you can trust! - KETTLE WHISTLES - Oh, what's the latest news? Have you heard yet? Oh, you'll make a lovely grandmother! Mmm, yeah.
How many she having? Eight! No, no, no, I'd love one, but, er, no, I'm allergic.
Yeah, me head swells up like the Elephant Man's.
Mmm, yeah.
No, it doesn't hurt.
Only when people can't tell the difference! Er, yeah, he should be on his way to you now Oh, you're in luck, it's a blue Renault Espace, coming up your road right now.
Yeah, no problem.
Yeah, ta-ra, love.
'Kenny 1-8.
I'll take Beresford.
' Ah, nice one, Kenny boy.
TOGETHER: Kenny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling 'Give it a rest! You're not Kylie and Jason!' So? All right.
All right, know-it-all.
- I said! What did I say! - Well 'Verno 1-4.
You after me?' What have I been telling you for months? Yeah, hello, Verno.
Er, just picked a passenger up from the retail park.
She's left her shopping bag in the back.
- She's having a mild panic about a prawn ring.
- Aren't we all? 'Dozy mare.
I said, "Check if you've got everything.
" 'Yeah, I can see it under the passenger.
'I'll swing it round there.
' Ointment and two tablets for five days.
I should have been a flaming doctor, me.
- A consultant, more like, the amount of Holby that you watch.
- Oh! TOGETHER: You buy one, you get one free! Kwiker Kabs, the cab firm you can trust.
Told you.
Send a canary in.
Pray for the day we get our own ladies! This chair's killing me.
How many times?! One of them massage things from catalogue.
Shiatsu? Bless you.
Plug it in and hey presto! - Oh-h! - You'll be a new man.
- Come here.
Is it here? - Oh, yeah, yeah, there.
Two games and a bucket of ribs for a tenner at the bowling.
Yeah, Mike took her Saturday.
Never shut up about it.
Barbecue sauce to die for.
Why don't you two get up there? It finishes Friday.
Eh, what d'you reckon? I've nothing in for my tea.
Bowling? With your back! Anyway, I'm sorted for tonight.
Last night's spag bol.
Always tastes better the day after, doesn't it? Right, night, gang.
Eh, hang on, er We've not sorted out tomorrow's dinner! Oh, yeah.
Thursday.
Pie day or pasty? Pie, but I'm easy.
Let's go pasty.
Live a bit! Eh, I'll swing by that French bakery that you like.
You know, where the where the bloke pretends to be French.
There's always a queue out the door! Oh, anything for you, ma petite cherie! Au revoir! Take your time, Francis.
THE APPRENTICE THEME PLAYS Eh, I'm telling you, he's going to fire the blonde one.
Are you kidding? She did all selling! No, that drip with the spiky hair.
He were a right waste of space, thought he were Gordon Gekko.
Yes! Ha-ha! 'I told you!' Oh, it's a fix! Two-nil to me! All right, I'm going a bo-bo.
I'm shattered.
I'll see you in morning.
Yeah.
I'll see you at the coal face.
- 'Night.
' - Night, Frank.
Oh, Lind Lind - Sorry about your wait, mate.
Yeah, John will take you home.
- Thank you.
OK, Mr McCreedy, but he did say that he'd rang the bell three times.
- Nothing in arrears - Well, it's not our fault your batteries don't work.
OK, OK, I'll send you another one in about 10 minutes.
- Moaning get from Oakmore.
ALL: - Oh-h! - Hate that man.
- You know what? He never tips.
And now my glamorous assistant will reveal this week's lost property! Ta-da! Excitement never stops round here, does it? - OK, so today we have 14 umbrellas - Oooh! - Come on.
- Oh, no.
a book on Tantric sex THEY LAUGH Eh, let's have a look! My ex-wife was an expert at this.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Thought it said "turgid".
See, he's wasted in here, is our Frank.
Quality entertainment.
You don't get that level of witty repartee at King of Kabs.
- Er, a man's scarf, 35% cashmere! ALL: - Oooh! Half a bottle of vodka, unopened, no frills, but we're not proud.
- MEN SHOU - Eh, eh, eh, keep your hair on.
Christmas do.
One of those low-fat grill thingies, brand new, still in the box.
Great, I've been after one of them for ages.
Get back to me 30 waist.
You don't need one of these, mate.
What you need is a time machine.
- 19 Gladesville, off Station? - I've put two and a half stone on - 10 minutes, love.
- .
.
since I've been here! - Yeah, and you know why? You're always in Jean's caff, what d'you expect? - And we all know why, don't we? - ALL: - Whoo-oooh! Loves her hot buttered baps, don't you? - Eh, eh, mind your language, there's a lady present.
- Where? - Hey, losers! - Cab's on its MEN CHEER Hey, the man with the tan! How you doing? All right, Bertie, Bertie, Bertie! David Dickinson rang.
He wants his skin back.
Hold me ribs, hold me ribs! Well, well, well, Terence.
A blast from the past.
- I heard you were at Lenny's Limo.
- No, no, no, Frank.
I binned that a long time ago.
You know what it's like, snotty 16-year-olds throwing up on the back seat, doing moonies out of the window.
No, got rid of that.
So what you doing here, then? He's taking over my collar for three weeks while I'm in Los Cristianos.
Any seven-seaters fancy a run out to Manchester airport, nine o'clock tonight, pick up from Arrivals? Just sussing my options, Frank.
Er, you're still looking for drivers, though, ain't you? Yeah, always.
I can sort you out.
What you driving at the mo? - A big pink limo! - Oh, very funny, big man.
Nice to see you! Er, well, I'm just sorting out a trade.
It'll all be sorted by the time Kenny gets back, you know.
You have a look what's on the lot? 220 a week, all in.
I'll have a butcher's, but, you know, can't promise you anything.
OK, Eddie the Eagle.
It's yours.
I'll text you flight details.
So bounced back, have we, Boomerang Boy? Hey, Hot Lips! TERRY CHUCKLES How you been? Have you missed me? Yeah, like I miss WeightWatchers(!) - Nice to see you again, Frank.
- Terence.
Er, how much, Frank?! You should be wearing a mask.
- It's only got 130,000 on the clock.
- Frank, I want to lease a car, - not something that's been to the moon and back! - Look, - they're all good workhorses, these.
- Yeah? Listen, why don't you get yourself a pair of tights, stick it over your nut and hold up a post office, eh? - Taxed, insured.
- Fill 'em up and Bob's your auntie.
- No, it's all right.
I'll go and speak to King of Kabs.
- Look, you won't find cheaper than this! - Frank! See you later.
- Give us a twirl, then.
- Oh, come on.
- Go on.
Look, I took the plunge, Saturday.
You hate it, don't you? - Go on, be honest.
- No, no, no, no.
It's too young, ain't it? It's just a bit "snug".
Oh-h! I knew I should have gone for the XL.
Eh, Frank, you taking bookings God, here we go.
Go on, give it to me.
I can take it.
you know, for the Status Quo tribute act?! FRANK LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY Call an ambulance, me sides are splitting.
No, seriously, I like it.
I like it.
I really La-la-la-like it, la-la Oh, Frankie Rossi, come on! All right, Linda? Frank, I'm sorry.
I weren't laughing at you.
It's just I mean, it's a really nice jacket.
Yeah, suits you, Frank.
Doesn't it, Chantelle? Yeah, not half.
Me dad's got one exactly the same and he's loads thinner than you.
- Mum! - Come on.
You know what lads are like - any excuse to take the mick.
Eh? Don't be daft.
I can't help it if I'm an international style icon, causing jealousy in certain circles.
Cuppa? - Yeah.
FRANK SIGHS Night, Derek.
- One bonus ball, but nothing with it.
- Oh-h! You have a flat tyre.
Already! I've only had it a fortnight! Garage swore it had a new set of wheels! You know, it was probably a slow puncture or a leaky wheel valve.
Can I just stop you there? You've started to talk in a foreign language.
Well, you've probably got a nail stuck in it.
Best get your bloke to take a look, I reckon.
Yeah, well, me and George Clooney, it's over, ever since he went and married that beautiful international high-flying lawyer.
Oh, you fancy the Clooney, do you? Jealous? - Er what of that little runt? - Wow.
I'll make sure I've got my tape measure with me, next time I bump into him in KFC.
- Well, I wouldn't bother, Linda, cos, you know, I saw him in Burger King recently - he was so small he couldn't look over the counter.
The lady was going, "Next! "Who's next? I can't see anything, who's next?" So how much is this going to cost me? Nah, put your money away.
I'll take a look for you.
You will? Yeah, yeah, come on.
You got a spare and a jack in the boot? Come on! You do know what a jack is, don't you? Yeah, course I do.
It's in there, right next to the body rolled up in the carpet.
You know, you're quite funny for a girl.
Here we go.
Chantelle! Listen up, ladies, it's the job of the week.
And it's a business meeting, Friday, Plymouth, 4am, it's a round trip, same day.
I've quoted £600.
Grand draw in 20 minutes, in the hat unless you let me know otherwise.
Base to Sammy 9.
Are you there, Sammy? - 'All right, Linda.
What's up?' - Your youngest just called office.
He's forgotten to take his footy boots into school.
Can you drop them off? He's got a match later.
'They're at his mother's.
Told him yesterday to bring them over.
' Honestly, you and your ex.
I'm going to write out a class timetable so everyone knows what they're supposed to be doing instead of all this to-ing and fro-ing.
They treat you like a taxi driver! Did you see what I did there? - You're wasted in here.
- I know.
'Why doesn't she ask her new bloke, see if he'll do it? 'Does everything else, according to her!' LINDA CLEARS HER THROA Good morning, Kwiker Kabs, the cabs you can trust.
No, thanks.
Oh, flaming Oakmore! Yeah, all right, love, it'll be about 10 minutes but can you keep your ears open, I can't keep sending two drivers all the time.
So, is that a no, then? Oh, I'm just don't feel hungry today.
Mr Sunshine from Oakmore anyone? What? I've never eaten a whole one.
I don't think I can manage it on my own.
Test yourself.
You never know what you can achieve if you don't try.
CAR DOOR SHUTS Eh, you know that DVD you watched last night? Is, er I never found out what happened in the end.
- It sounded really good.
- Back in a sec.
Any chance I could borrow it? You had a four-inch nail in the tread.
You've had it washed and everything.
Yeah, full valet, put some smellies in there, the works, you know.
- Nice motor you've got there, Linda.
- So what do I owe you? Sunday.
Eh? Well, that that's my night off.
What about it? Well, you're going to take me for drinks, aren't you, as a way of saying thanks? And if you're really lucky, I might let you buy me a bag of chips on the way home.
On one condition.
Oh, aye.
What's that? That you keep your hands to yourself, cos I ain't that kind of girl.
Sammy 9.
Sammy 9? Your ex called again.
Yeah, your middle one, he's left his packed lunch behind and you're late with the child support.
Sammy 9? His missus is a right one.
She's turning this place into a Jeremy Kyle on wheels.
- Frank? - Yeah? Can I ask you something? I need a really honest answer.
Is it about that egg custard? No, it's about office romances.
Go on.
I think Terry Linton just asked me on a date! 25 Micawber Close - she's been waiting 15 minutes already.
Someone must be around there? - Should have said.
I could have fixed it for you.
- Hmm? Fixing a tyre, it's a five-minute job.
Oh.
He just offered.
Come on, you lot, she's a regular.
She's going to be late for her shift.
And how much did that cost? You should have gone to Sullivan's.
Go there in future, they look after loads of the lads 'ere.
Frank, it were a flat tyre, not the end of the world.
Micawber Close, she's a lovely girl lap dancer.
'Jimmy 11 - I'll take her.
'Derek 2-2 - I'm only round the corner.
' Jimmy, it's yours.
Sorry, Derek, first come, first serve.
Hang on, what lap-dancing clubs are open at half past one in the afternoon? None.
She's a cleaning lady.
Does all offices in town.
COMPUTER BEEPS Listen up, ladies, traffic alert.
Lights out, New Heys Drive junction meets Waterside, just in time for rush hour.
New Heys Drive - isn't that nice Greek restaurant up there? Do you think it'll be lively on a Sunday night? Sunday? Who goes out on a Sunday? And our official Driver of the Week TOGETHER: Driver of the Week! is Billy 1-7 who helped to deliver a six-pound, four-ounce baby on his back seat and got himself on the front page of the Chesterfield Shopper! Well done, Billy! I'm taking Terry out for a bite.
I told you this morning, didn't I? What? He's making you take him out for fixing a flat tyre? Well, he's not "making" me.
THEY LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY - Oh, thank you very much.
- Thanks.
- Mmm.
So much for Sunday being the new Friday, eh? So come on, then, tell me what's changed at Kwiker Kabs since I've been away? Oh, loads of stuff, yeah.
Gents had a lick of paint.
We bought a new welcome mat.
We toyed with clubbing together for a juicer, but it caused a lot of bad feeling.
So have you never fancied a change of scenery? Nah.
Where else would I go? - Have a laugh with lads, money's not bad.
Cheers.
- Yeah, cheers.
So go on, tell me is there a Mr Linda? There was.
Five fantastic years squashed into 15 years of marriage! Got a lad, 22 now, training to be a quantity surveyor in Bishop Stortford.
Stuffed vine leaves.
Never that sure about them, are you? So what's the deal with you and Rigsby? Who? - Frank.
You know, you two never - HE WHISTLES Me and Frank? No! No, no nothing like that.
We're just good mates.
Oh, it's just I had you two down as a right Richard and Judy, you know.
Oh, yeah, yeah, we get on dead well.
But no, no, no, it's never been anything like that, no.
It's all right.
I'm just finding out the lay of the land, that's all.
Do you want to dip in me taramasalata? No, thanks.
Trying to give it up.
THE APPRENTICE THEME PLAYS 'Come on, lads, don't go shy on me.
Anyone for Smithfield' Sorry, I'm always forgetting to turn that off.
You must get fed up, listening to us lot blathering on all day.
Well, normally it's quite entertaining, obviously not your bit, but Quite the silver-tongued fox, aren't you? Well, so they tell me.
Right, well, um, night, then.
Night, then.
Hold on, where d'you think you're going? KETTLE WHISTLES Ground Control to all cabs.
There's some dodgy tenners doing the rounds, so watch out, ladies.
- Morning.
- Hiya.
- Nice weekend? Oh, well, you know, I mowed the lawn.
I went to IKEA and, er, lost the will to live.
You? Oh, shattered.
Out Friday, out Saturday and then Sunday lunch at that new tapas place.
Good morning, Kwiker Kabs, the cabs you can trust.
Yeah, yeah, just let me check, love, 14 Delamere Jimmy 1-1, you on your way to Delamere Crescent? Er, he's at the lights at Crawford Road.
Driver's at Crawford, love, be about two minutes, red Ford Mondeo.
- Sorry for the wait.
- So you went out with the girls, then? Er, no, no, Terry took me out.
So, er, this a thing, you and him? Well, you know, the boys were just wondering, you know, they love a bit of gossip.
Oh, I don't know.
You'll have to ask Terry.
When do you officially become official? 'Verno 1-4.
Heard there's dodgy tenners doing the rounds too.
' Yeah, roger that.
Well, I just wondered, you know, you've been what, out six times in two weeks, you know, that's official, isn't it? Have we? Who's counting? Just wondering if I should be buying a hat.
Come on, Frank, get some chips, eh? Ah, no.
I said, "Sunshine, it's £28.
50," and he said, "Call the police.
" I said, "You can call an ambulance unless you get your wallet out, mate.
" I hope you're not using threatening behaviour with the passengers.
- It's all they understand around here, Frank.
- I hate runners.
I had one last week.
- Chased him right along the canal.
- Keeps you fit.
- Look, I'm serious.
You can't be threatening our customers.
The Licensing will be all over us.
I'm not running a charity, all right? What are we supposed to do? It's all right for you sitting in here, Frank.
Your wages are guaranteed.
Yeah.
That's settle, all paid up.
Linda, lost property, please.
Oh! Oh, nowt exotic.
Nine brollies, a pair of kids' mittens, a vintage Nokia.
Anyone fancy Oh.
Anyone fancy a pick-up from the hospital? Pick up some meds for EN at St Eddie's.
Eh, Linda, you got anything else in that box? Only, er, I seem to have lost my heart.
Thought there was a funny smell in here.
Must be all the stale cheese.
Hello, Kwiker Kabs the cabs you can trust.
All right, Verno? 15 Ashbridge Road to station, rush job, needs to be on 13.
47 to Euston.
I thought you'd popped out.
Where's your motor? Didn't I tell you the other week? Terry's been borrowing it.
Jimmy 1-1, can you pick up, please? 'Sammy 9.
I'll take Ashbridge, Linda, right by there.
' Nice one, Sammy.
- I thought he was cab-sharing with the night collars? - Oh, no.
That were ages ago.
- Well, where's his wheels? - Oh, he took it in for a trade-in and they said that his radiator had gone or his carburretor or whatever.
Anyway, that needs fixing before they'll even look at it.
Kettle's done, I've not had a minute.
COMPUTER BEEPS Oh, look at that.
Houston, we have a problem.
Accident at Borough, corner of Eton.
Lorry into a wall, sounds messy.
- How long you letting him have it? - As long as he needs.
He reckons his might not even be worth fixing, might be a goner.
- 'Jimmy 1-1.
You want me?' - Yeah, hiya, Jim.
That last pick-up, thinks she might have left her pension book on your backseat.
- So he's doing his shifts in yours? - Well, yeah, why not? It makes sense if I've just got it parked up here all day.
- I hope he's paying you settle? - 'It's not in my cab.
'I'll bet she's dropped it in the road, the daft old moo.
' All right, Jim, I'll give her a call back.
She's in a right tizz.
- Got manageress of post office to call us.
- 'She still there?' - Eh, the mileage won't half add up.
- Er, yeah, I think so.
They were giving her a cup of tea to calm her down.
'I'll shoot back, give her a lift home.
' Aw, you're a sweetheart.
Isn't he lovely? Base to all drivers, I know it's only Tuesday but Jimmy 1-1 is already officially Driver of the Week.
TOGETHER: Driver of the Week! - Linda, I don't think you've thought this through.
- It's only a car.
- You'll have to get him fully comp.
- He sorted it out with his insurance.
It's a pile of paperwork.
Licensing need to know the exact vehicle.
He knows.
Oh, God, he's got some nerve asking you for your motor.
Frank, don't worry about it.
'Sammy 9.
15 Ashcroft just flagged down a hackney! 'Right in front of me!' What about wear and tear? The cow! I'll put her on blacklist.
It's only for a few weeks.
And what if it can't be fixed? He can't expect to gad about in yours for free! Honestly, Frank, it's not a problem.
I'm not going to start charging the bloke I love for using me car, am I? - OK, what about there? Is that nice? - Ooh.
Up a tiny bit.
- Yeah, right on the shoulder blade.
- Like that? - Perfect! It'll be about ten minutes, ten minutes, yeah.
How do you not notice you've left your arm in the back of a cab? Dead useful, though.
Come 'ere, give us it.
SHE CLEARS HER THROA Eh, Sammy, you could do with one of those, save getting yourself a bird wouldn't it, eh? Give us a go! Here you are.
Anyone for Miller Lane? RAUCOUS CHEERING Oi! Will you lot please keep it down?! This is supposed to be a place of work, not a flaming playground! - Oooh! - Eh, Sugar Lips, catch you later.
Linda.
Frank, watch.
So versatile.
Every home should have one.
I hope no-one claims it.
I've known Frank for years and never known him anything but laughing and joking, until this last couple of months.
Don't get involved.
How d'you fancy phoning for a take-out, to save you cooking? He's my mate.
- But it's not your problem.
- Well, I still want to look out for him.
Really obvious.
He's got the hots for you.
- Oh, don't be stupid! No, not Frank.
- Here we go.
It's never been anything like that.
No way! Well, that's not what he thinks.
Well, I've never given him any impression.
Well, you can't stop him fancying you, can you? Right, I fancy beef curry, half rice, half chips.
Kwiker Kabs, the cabs you can trust.
Oh, no, sorry love, you want, er you want all the eights.
You all right, Frank? Yeah, why wouldn't I be? You just seem a bit quiet that's all.
- Would you mind if I went and got my dinner? - Help yourself.
THE APPRENTICE THEME PLAYS TV STOPS Base to Terry 1-0.
Base to Terry 1-0.
Can you pick up, please? And it's definitely got air conditioning? Sounds great.
Yeah, yeah, seven nights Um, oh, twin room? But you can push the beds together? Yeah, yeah, it's our three-month anniversary.
LINDA GIGGLES Yeah, oh, well, yeah, I've just got to double-check with my fella, but it sounds perfect.
I'll ring you back in about half an hour.
Is that OK? OK.
Bye.
Bye.
Terry 1-0 to base.
Soon as you can.
Cuppa? Yes, please, if you're making one.
Well, I wouldn't be offering if I wasn't, would I? Terry.
Frank.
So when did they release you back into the wild, then? Taking your time with the drop-offs.
Chatty one, was she? You know what it's like - old lady, loves to chat.
Yak-yak-yak.
Helping her out with the bins.
See, I had you down as smarter than that.
- I was banking on you saying it was your sister-in-law.
- Eh? You see I did the old ring-back.
Didn't exactly sound like someone's nan.
Cup of coffee, bit of banter.
Twice a week? Hey-hey! Proper little Miss Marple, ain't you, eh, Frank? What is your beef, eh? Time is me own.
This car isn't.
What you going to do? Grass on me to Linda, are you? Razzing around in her wheels, stringing her along and all the time you're seeing another woman.
- Oh, behave, Frank! - I'm not sure she'd be too happy about that.
What? Whoa, whoa.
I thought you were supposed to be my mate? She's my mate, not you.
Right, Frank, Frank, Frank.
I'm going to be straight with you, OK? On the level.
I'm skint.
That car that I was supposed to trade in got repo'd.
Yeah, why don't you throw a dead dog into the equation.
This isn't an X-Factor audition.
I know it sounds like a bogus story.
I've got the ex wife on my back, council want to take me to court, and I'm getting the agg with the finance.
And along comes Linda with a four-door saloon.
Perfect.
- What's the big deal? I'm just borrowing the car.
- And what else? She's getting excited about booking a three-star holiday in Lanzarote! - I didn't ask her to.
I don't have that kind of money.
- Yeah, - but you can afford to put your hand in your pocket for your sunbeds, can't you? It wasn't supposed to get serious.
If only you'd told her that.
Frank, come on! I don't have this kind of money.
You know what it's like on the road.
You got to pay your settle, your diesel and all the other things - Everybody's in the same boat! - No, except you, Frank! Except you! You're all right.
Cushy little number, sitting behind the desk.
Popping out all the orders, doing your thing.
It's not about the money.
It's about doing the decent thing.
No, Frank.
Hey, Frank.
Oi, you listen to me.
It's always about the money, OK? I can't afford to be a stand-up human being! I've got the bailiffs on my back.
Oi-oi-oi, I'm talking to you, and they do not care about principles, all right? Frank, I'm living day-to-day on these payday loans.
Frank, listen, I'm talking to you.
You listen to me when I'm talking to you.
If she's a good friend of yours, then you will say nothing.
Oi! You listen to me.
Frank! Oi.
- Oi-oi-oi, you say nothing.
- ENGINE REVS Frank! Houston, we have a problem.
Chanley Road, burst water main.
- Blooming MOT.
470 quid! - Don't suppose Terry's paying for that? - Cuppa? - Yep.
Linda if something was going on, something you didn't want to know about, you know, someone wasn't playing fair Something on your mind, Frank? - You'd want to know about it, wouldn't you? - Depends what it was.
19 Fairways Drive.
You might want to check his timesheet.
- And? - Well, he seems to spend quite a lot of time there.
So, Terry's got another woman behind me back? Is that what you're getting at? Well, I just thought you'd want to know.
No.
You wanted me to know.
You've been dying to tell me.
Well, guess what? Terry said that you'd try and cause trouble, told me all about it.
Old lady, been taking her out on pension day for years, shopping, always wants him to stop for a brew, talks the leg off him.
Linda, I know you don't want to believe it, but I had everything checked out.
Yeah, yeah, he told me that you've been snooping about.
I saw you outside my place.
You've turned into a right weirdo.
- Yeah, well, I was just looking out for you.
- Is that what you call it? Prowling about, lurking in bushes, checking up on people.
Linda, are you stupid? Please! Don't let him walk all over you.
It's none of your business.
He's taking you for a ride.
Who says? I mean, I'm sorry.
Did I look too happy? You had to pour a whole bucket of dog toffee all over me.
You know, Terry were right about you.
You've sat there for years and not had the guts to ask me out on one lousy date.
And now you're fuming because he's rocked up and swept me off my feet.
Well, whether you like it or not, he's a proper man! Proper man? One that's using you, Linda! 'Jesus, I can do better than you, Frank! You're pathetic.
'I can't believe you'd say something as malicious as this.
'What have I ever done to you?' Look, he's been there for over three quarters of an hour - watching Countdown with some old biddy? What does it take to convince you? Stay out of my life, Frank.
I'm taking an early dinner.
Linda, please don't let him treat you like this.
Save it, I'm not interested.
Wake up.
He's desperate to make some readies.
You need to stop this now, Frank, or I'm going to have to change the roster.
I'll pick up some teabags while I'm out.
Linda! He doesn't want you.
Oh, This is just nasty for sake of it now.
Wake up, Linda! It's the car, woman! All he wanted was the car! I need a lift.
I'm sorry.
KNOCKS ON DOOR Looking good for 84.
Must give me the name of your face cream.
You being funny? Is Terry here? Don't know no Terry.
Drives that taxi? Oh, you mean Tony? His name's Terry.
Tony! Someone here for you.
You all right, sweetheart? Oh Thought you said you weren't married.
Yeah, well, you are! - Keys.
- Right, Lin, Linda, this This is not what it looks like, all right? Just Happy now? Go on.
Get lost.
- Hold on, how am I supposed to get back? - Call a cab.
Oh-h! MEN CHA All knew, didn't you? All having a good laugh at me behind my back! - Heaven! - She is not a happy bunny, is she? - No.
It's not our fault, is it? It was all over the radio! We didn't ask them to play it.
You can tell Frank I've resigned.
Oi, Frank! What she didn't know wouldn't hurt her, but you could not keep your fat, big mouth shut, could you? You think I didn't want to see her happy? Well, I'm sorry, Terry.
Get your stuff, you're finished here.
All right, Linda? - Hiya, Derek.
- How you doing? Yeah, fine, you know, still waiting for rollover.
Any chance of you coming back? Nah, don't think so.
Shame.
You're still in the syndicate, I've made sure of that.
Well, best get going.
Yeah.
See you.
Bye.
Me and the lads, we did know.
He's always been the same - women all over the place.
It's just the way he is.
It's only Frank had the guts to tell you.
See you.
See you.
Any six-seaters for the races? 'Verno 1-4, I'll take that.
And did you forget? 'I took some old geezer to A&E and waited with him 'for four hours till he got seen.
'Why aren't I Driver of the Week?' We're not doing that any more.
MUSIC INTRO: Lovely Day by Bill Withers When I wake up in the morning, love Good morning, Kwiker Kabs, the cabs you can trust.
And the sunlight hurts my eyes And something without warning, love Bears heavy on my mind Then I look at you And the world's all right with me Just one look at you And I know it's gonna be A lovely day Lovely day, lovely day