Mr Pickles (2013) s01e03 Episode Script
Foul Ball
How.
White man come with iron buffalo.
I know what a bulldozer is.
You can't build here.
This land is on top of an ancient indian burial ground.
Well, that's why we're gonna dig this up, build condos, then put the ancient indian burial ground back on the roof.
And to make it up to you, here's two tickets to a baseball game, okay? - But there are four of us.
- Well, I guess you'll have to scalp some.
Let's see put the jacuzzis right here and Agh! Mr.
Pickles! S01E03 Foul Ball Good boy! Oh, boy! My first baseball game! Maybe I can catch a ball.
Honey, let me drop you off and take the truck.
But whenever you borrow my truck, it comes back with a new dent.
You won't have to pay for parking.
- Mm! - Aren't you excited, Mr.
Pickles? Oh, Mr.
Pickles! You can't bring that dog to the game.
He's been cutting people's heads off.
- I've seen him do it.
- Mr.
Pickles! You're having a hard time with this water.
Hmm.
- Morning, Goodmans! - Morning! Mr.
Bojenkins is teaching me how to crip-walk.
- Sweet! - Remember, now heel, toe, - heel, toe.
- Like this? - Nope.
- Sheriff, Mr.
Pickles is cutting people's heads off.
Remember the time he told us Mr.
Pickles forced him to wear that dead possum like a diaper? Whoa! Look at all the indians! Bye, mom! - Bye, dear.
- Have fun at the game.
Remember, no new dents on my truck! Today, the old town featherheads take on the southville worms! 'Course, some folks want the featherheads name to change, calling it racist.
But they've been unsuccessful, just like my son, who dropped out of college to become a mime.
Anyhoo, today, we've got a special guest in the crowd Miss Fulton, the oldest person in old town.
She's 119 years young, and we are honored to have her here.
- You can eat my ass! - Well, it looks like these are our seats foul-ball territory.
Maybe I can catch a foul ball! I'll show you how to catch some balls! Hey! Ho! Oh.
Excuse me.
Traffic.
Well, here we go.
- Aaaaaah! - Oh, my goodness! - I cut your legs off! - Well, don't give yourself so much credit.
Huh? I had my legs cut off so I could sneak booze into places.
O-one for whiskey, one for soda.
Drink? - Um, no, thanks.
- I'm having a tailgate party.
- Wanna come? - I'm not really a baseball fan.
Well, I guess I could go for a little while.
Come on! - Kiss cam! - You're on the kiss cam, buddy! The what? - The kiss cam.
- Kiss me! Sorry, everybody.
We're not together.
Screw you, jerk! What, do you hate America? Boo! This is fun! Yeah, uh, you know what? Maybe I'll go grab us some snacks.
And I'll stay here and catch a foul ball.
Okay, son.
Hot dogs! Huh? - No! I won't let you do it! - Why? Because we're gay? What?! That dog was gonna cut your head off.
Oh, it's fake.
- What are you, crazy?! - Boo! Peanuts! Get your peanuts! And cocaine.
- Peanuts! - It's Jim "Fouler" Johnson at the plate.
He's never hit a fair ball in his 22-year career.
Fouler, of course, the all-time foul-ball leader, closing in on 30,000 foul balls, giving new meaning to the word "failure.
" And another failure, my son, who turned to selling his body for alcohol.
- And here's the pitch! - I hope I catch one soon.
My arm sure is tired.
You can do it, Tommy.
Just a little bump.
Curving foul! - Aw, darn it! - Hey! What are you, blind? - I'm blind! - Maybe I'll catch the next one.
That was foul ball 29,999 for Fouler.
The next one could fetch a hefty sum with collectors.
Hmm.
- High fly ball! - It's coming this way! - Out of my way! - Where's the ball, boy? Where's the ball, boy? - Foul! - I did it.
That ball could be worth a lot of money.
That ugly kid has the ball.
- Cool, huh? - Get him! Uh-oh! You want him?! You go through me! Kid, come with me! - You'll be safe! - Where did he go?! - Tommy? Tommy?! - Has anybody seen my dog? And that's how I ended up sleeping with a mime.
Just kidding maybe.
Drink? Uh, no, thanks.
It is quiet over here.
Well, nobody wants to tailgate with a guy who's been - drinking all by himself.
- Well Maybe just a sip.
- Hey! Y'all partying? - Can we use your grill? - Well, sure you can use grill.
- Bottoms up.
Hi! - Ugh! - Kiss cam! Oh, my God.
Kiss my wife! Kiss my wife! - Sorry no.
- What? - She not good enough for you? - No, I just - Agh! - Tommy?! Tommy?! That's his glove! Show me where he is.
I can't believe I'm following you.
But for once, maybe you are being a good boy.
He's in here? Tommy's not in Hey! Mr.
Pickles! Oh, no! - That's a very special ball you have.
- I'm gonna get it autographed.
As you can see, I collect very valuable collectibles.
Perhaps I could take care of - that ball for you.
- I got some collextibles, too, baby.
Wanna trade? - Ooh! - How 'bout this antique baseball hat? That's a jockstrap! - Ooh! What's this one do? - Put that back! Oh! What's that? don't touch that! - Ooh! What's that? - Hey! Where'd that boy go?! Nice doing business with ya! Cocaine! Get your cocaine! Hello? Anyone here? You're Jim "Fouler" Johnson! Yup biggest failure in baseball history.
But I'm moving on.
But before you go, I wanted to get you to sign - Whatever! - But I - I said, "shut up!" - No, you didn't! So you shut up! Anyway, you hit this ball right to me, and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
And I know it's a special ball, so I thought you should have it.
That's the best thing anybody has ever Catch! Oww! Hey! - Where are you going? - Help! Tommy! - Ohhh.
I'm so hot in here.
- Take it off! Take it off! Take it off! Okay! - There you are! - It's a great party.
- But nobody likes me.
- Hey! - Huh? - Meet Hank.
He cut off his legs so he can sneak booze wherever he wants.
Cool! I use my bra to smuggle food.
Drink? Sandwich? Quesadilia? Oh, wow, you got a lot of stuff in there.
- Clam chowder? - Uh-huh! Tommy, all I've ever hit was foul balls, and I thought of myself as a failure.
But you made me realize these foul balls mean something to somebody.
Wow! Thanks! So I'm gonna hit the best foul ball anybody's ever seen! I believe in you, Mr.
Fouler.
My ball! My ball! It's okay, boy.
The game's almost over.
Come on! Ah, finally.
What?! $25 for a soda?! Then you can drink the soda and fill it with free ketchup, - then drink the ketchup.
- Floyd.
Well, it's, uh, nice to see you outside the office.
- Boss is here, too.
- Huh? Goodman, you're on the kiss cam, okay? - Kiss cam! - Oh, come on! Kiss me, Mr.
Goodman.
Oh, no! - Uh, pardon me.
Excuse me.
- Over here, dad! - What took you so long?! - Gimme that! What? I was just Still tied at 0-0 also the number of times my wife has told me she loves me.
And that's strike two! Stay grounded, grandpa.
You're just hallucinating from the steam.
It's not real.
Oh-ho! It's not real! It's not real! Aah! I-it is real! Agh! And Fouler back at the plate.
- This one's going foul, boys.
- Looks like he's predicting he'll hit this foul, which doesn't make sense.
- Yay! - But neither does BMI.
Please deal with reality.
And here's the pitch! That ball doesn't look like it's going foul.
Huh?! That ball is a home run! - Agghh! - Oh, no! - Hey! She's drowning! - Kiss cam! Huh?! No, no, no, no! And Jim "Fouler" Johnson winning the ballgame! Sadly, he'll go down in history as a murderer.
- And we have a streaker, folks! - Is trying to cut my head off! You're under arrest! That is one crazy, old naked man! That grandpa sure is crazy.
But sheriff actually got some good moves.
Zippity-zoooooo! And that's the ballgame, folks! - Well, thanks for everything.
- Baseball! You're disgusting.
Let's go, baby.
- Okay.
Bye.
- Beverly? You smell like medicine.
But at least I didn't dent the truck.
Gimme a kiss! Gimme a kiss! Kiss?! No! - Mom, are you okay? - Come on, Tommy.
Let's get her to the shop I mean, home.
- Where's Mr.
Pickles? - He'll find his way home.
He always does.
- Mm.
Nice costume.
- Stupid white people and their games.
Hey-a, what's this over here? Breaking news! Native Americans buy the old town featherheads.
Rename the team "old town stupid white people"! Ay, what up, dog?! Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs, here! Wow! Peanuts, too? Hey! It's Jim "Fouler" Johnson's foul ball! - Baseball! - Yes, just be quiet, please.
Good boy, Mr.
Pickles.
White man come with iron buffalo.
I know what a bulldozer is.
You can't build here.
This land is on top of an ancient indian burial ground.
Well, that's why we're gonna dig this up, build condos, then put the ancient indian burial ground back on the roof.
And to make it up to you, here's two tickets to a baseball game, okay? - But there are four of us.
- Well, I guess you'll have to scalp some.
Let's see put the jacuzzis right here and Agh! Mr.
Pickles! S01E03 Foul Ball Good boy! Oh, boy! My first baseball game! Maybe I can catch a ball.
Honey, let me drop you off and take the truck.
But whenever you borrow my truck, it comes back with a new dent.
You won't have to pay for parking.
- Mm! - Aren't you excited, Mr.
Pickles? Oh, Mr.
Pickles! You can't bring that dog to the game.
He's been cutting people's heads off.
- I've seen him do it.
- Mr.
Pickles! You're having a hard time with this water.
Hmm.
- Morning, Goodmans! - Morning! Mr.
Bojenkins is teaching me how to crip-walk.
- Sweet! - Remember, now heel, toe, - heel, toe.
- Like this? - Nope.
- Sheriff, Mr.
Pickles is cutting people's heads off.
Remember the time he told us Mr.
Pickles forced him to wear that dead possum like a diaper? Whoa! Look at all the indians! Bye, mom! - Bye, dear.
- Have fun at the game.
Remember, no new dents on my truck! Today, the old town featherheads take on the southville worms! 'Course, some folks want the featherheads name to change, calling it racist.
But they've been unsuccessful, just like my son, who dropped out of college to become a mime.
Anyhoo, today, we've got a special guest in the crowd Miss Fulton, the oldest person in old town.
She's 119 years young, and we are honored to have her here.
- You can eat my ass! - Well, it looks like these are our seats foul-ball territory.
Maybe I can catch a foul ball! I'll show you how to catch some balls! Hey! Ho! Oh.
Excuse me.
Traffic.
Well, here we go.
- Aaaaaah! - Oh, my goodness! - I cut your legs off! - Well, don't give yourself so much credit.
Huh? I had my legs cut off so I could sneak booze into places.
O-one for whiskey, one for soda.
Drink? - Um, no, thanks.
- I'm having a tailgate party.
- Wanna come? - I'm not really a baseball fan.
Well, I guess I could go for a little while.
Come on! - Kiss cam! - You're on the kiss cam, buddy! The what? - The kiss cam.
- Kiss me! Sorry, everybody.
We're not together.
Screw you, jerk! What, do you hate America? Boo! This is fun! Yeah, uh, you know what? Maybe I'll go grab us some snacks.
And I'll stay here and catch a foul ball.
Okay, son.
Hot dogs! Huh? - No! I won't let you do it! - Why? Because we're gay? What?! That dog was gonna cut your head off.
Oh, it's fake.
- What are you, crazy?! - Boo! Peanuts! Get your peanuts! And cocaine.
- Peanuts! - It's Jim "Fouler" Johnson at the plate.
He's never hit a fair ball in his 22-year career.
Fouler, of course, the all-time foul-ball leader, closing in on 30,000 foul balls, giving new meaning to the word "failure.
" And another failure, my son, who turned to selling his body for alcohol.
- And here's the pitch! - I hope I catch one soon.
My arm sure is tired.
You can do it, Tommy.
Just a little bump.
Curving foul! - Aw, darn it! - Hey! What are you, blind? - I'm blind! - Maybe I'll catch the next one.
That was foul ball 29,999 for Fouler.
The next one could fetch a hefty sum with collectors.
Hmm.
- High fly ball! - It's coming this way! - Out of my way! - Where's the ball, boy? Where's the ball, boy? - Foul! - I did it.
That ball could be worth a lot of money.
That ugly kid has the ball.
- Cool, huh? - Get him! Uh-oh! You want him?! You go through me! Kid, come with me! - You'll be safe! - Where did he go?! - Tommy? Tommy?! - Has anybody seen my dog? And that's how I ended up sleeping with a mime.
Just kidding maybe.
Drink? Uh, no, thanks.
It is quiet over here.
Well, nobody wants to tailgate with a guy who's been - drinking all by himself.
- Well Maybe just a sip.
- Hey! Y'all partying? - Can we use your grill? - Well, sure you can use grill.
- Bottoms up.
Hi! - Ugh! - Kiss cam! Oh, my God.
Kiss my wife! Kiss my wife! - Sorry no.
- What? - She not good enough for you? - No, I just - Agh! - Tommy?! Tommy?! That's his glove! Show me where he is.
I can't believe I'm following you.
But for once, maybe you are being a good boy.
He's in here? Tommy's not in Hey! Mr.
Pickles! Oh, no! - That's a very special ball you have.
- I'm gonna get it autographed.
As you can see, I collect very valuable collectibles.
Perhaps I could take care of - that ball for you.
- I got some collextibles, too, baby.
Wanna trade? - Ooh! - How 'bout this antique baseball hat? That's a jockstrap! - Ooh! What's this one do? - Put that back! Oh! What's that? don't touch that! - Ooh! What's that? - Hey! Where'd that boy go?! Nice doing business with ya! Cocaine! Get your cocaine! Hello? Anyone here? You're Jim "Fouler" Johnson! Yup biggest failure in baseball history.
But I'm moving on.
But before you go, I wanted to get you to sign - Whatever! - But I - I said, "shut up!" - No, you didn't! So you shut up! Anyway, you hit this ball right to me, and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
And I know it's a special ball, so I thought you should have it.
That's the best thing anybody has ever Catch! Oww! Hey! - Where are you going? - Help! Tommy! - Ohhh.
I'm so hot in here.
- Take it off! Take it off! Take it off! Okay! - There you are! - It's a great party.
- But nobody likes me.
- Hey! - Huh? - Meet Hank.
He cut off his legs so he can sneak booze wherever he wants.
Cool! I use my bra to smuggle food.
Drink? Sandwich? Quesadilia? Oh, wow, you got a lot of stuff in there.
- Clam chowder? - Uh-huh! Tommy, all I've ever hit was foul balls, and I thought of myself as a failure.
But you made me realize these foul balls mean something to somebody.
Wow! Thanks! So I'm gonna hit the best foul ball anybody's ever seen! I believe in you, Mr.
Fouler.
My ball! My ball! It's okay, boy.
The game's almost over.
Come on! Ah, finally.
What?! $25 for a soda?! Then you can drink the soda and fill it with free ketchup, - then drink the ketchup.
- Floyd.
Well, it's, uh, nice to see you outside the office.
- Boss is here, too.
- Huh? Goodman, you're on the kiss cam, okay? - Kiss cam! - Oh, come on! Kiss me, Mr.
Goodman.
Oh, no! - Uh, pardon me.
Excuse me.
- Over here, dad! - What took you so long?! - Gimme that! What? I was just Still tied at 0-0 also the number of times my wife has told me she loves me.
And that's strike two! Stay grounded, grandpa.
You're just hallucinating from the steam.
It's not real.
Oh-ho! It's not real! It's not real! Aah! I-it is real! Agh! And Fouler back at the plate.
- This one's going foul, boys.
- Looks like he's predicting he'll hit this foul, which doesn't make sense.
- Yay! - But neither does BMI.
Please deal with reality.
And here's the pitch! That ball doesn't look like it's going foul.
Huh?! That ball is a home run! - Agghh! - Oh, no! - Hey! She's drowning! - Kiss cam! Huh?! No, no, no, no! And Jim "Fouler" Johnson winning the ballgame! Sadly, he'll go down in history as a murderer.
- And we have a streaker, folks! - Is trying to cut my head off! You're under arrest! That is one crazy, old naked man! That grandpa sure is crazy.
But sheriff actually got some good moves.
Zippity-zoooooo! And that's the ballgame, folks! - Well, thanks for everything.
- Baseball! You're disgusting.
Let's go, baby.
- Okay.
Bye.
- Beverly? You smell like medicine.
But at least I didn't dent the truck.
Gimme a kiss! Gimme a kiss! Kiss?! No! - Mom, are you okay? - Come on, Tommy.
Let's get her to the shop I mean, home.
- Where's Mr.
Pickles? - He'll find his way home.
He always does.
- Mm.
Nice costume.
- Stupid white people and their games.
Hey-a, what's this over here? Breaking news! Native Americans buy the old town featherheads.
Rename the team "old town stupid white people"! Ay, what up, dog?! Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs, here! Wow! Peanuts, too? Hey! It's Jim "Fouler" Johnson's foul ball! - Baseball! - Yes, just be quiet, please.
Good boy, Mr.
Pickles.