Mr Pickles (2013) s03e04 Episode Script

Telemarketers Are the Devil

[SIGHS.]
[MUNCHING, LAUGHS.]
Dad, is your job as fun as eating cereal?! [LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, no.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Huh? Aah! Mr.
Pickles got a bunch of animals glued to me! Really? Mr.
Pickles glued ani No! He told them to do it themselves! Mr.
Pickles can speak to animals! He's evil! [ALL SIGH.]
[COW MOOS.]
Aah! Damn you, Mr S03E04 Telemarketers Are the Devil Hi! I'm selling guitar weed wackers today, and Well, I don't know why you'd need one.
[DIAL TONE.]
Hello? [GROANS.]
Goodman, you stink! Yeah, you're the worst telemarketer ever.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Y-Y-Y-You suck.
But these products are ridiculous.
Nobody else complains.
You just have to act like these products are great.
It's called acting, so make some sales, or go wash dishes for a living.
Huh? Uh, are y'all dishwashers? No, we're telemarketers.
Then you're exactly who we're looking for.
- Hey, no! - Hyah! Hey! Where are you taking us?! Shut up, telemarketer! Get walking! Where are you taking us?! Stanley! Where could Stanley be at this hour? [BARKING.]
Huh? Footprints.
You sure have a good sense of smell Ah! Come on, Mr.
Pickles.
[ALL GROANING.]
Where the heck are we?! Welcome.
My name is Mr.
Montgomery.
Well, why the heck did you bring us here?! Well, my father once owned this farm, and, oh, what a wonderful life it was.
Oh, what a wonderful life this is.
Then, one day, the phone rang.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Huh? - Someone called a "telemarketer.
" - Hello? No, thanks.
Father was polite at first, but after that, he couldn't do anything - without telemarketers interrupting.
- Hello? No I'm not interested.
- Not made love to my mother, - Hello? nor to Uncle Dimples.
Leave me alone! And when it came time to pay the workers, the phone rang, and he dropped the money into the well! Workers drowned.
Father couldn't farm the land hisself.
- Another telemarketer! - And we had no food! Mother begged him No more answering! So, he decided he wouldn't.
- But then he did! - Hello?! He was instantly engulfed in flames.
He ran to the well, but the phone rang again.
Maybe it's not a telemarketer this time! I'll never forget his last words.
Telemarketers are the devil! Make them pay! So, from this day forth, you devils belong to me.
ALL: What?! Aw, I knew that's where this was going.
Stanley! Stanley! Hyah! Hup! Hi.
Have you seen any telemarketers? They're property of Montgomery Farm now, so beat it.
[SPEAKING IN TONGUES.]
[HORSES NEIGH.]
I'm sorry.
You were saying?! Don't shoot us! Come on, Mr.
Pickles! - Get her! - Okay! Ugh.
[BARKS, WHIMPERS.]
Not the dog, you Dum Dum! - But doggy tell horsey steal our guns.
- Huh? What if a doggy bark sounds like words to animals? How dumb are you?! [LAUGHS.]
[ALL GRUNTING.]
Goodman, I thought you were a bad telemarketer, but you're even worse at farming! Do it like this! Quiet! We don't want trouble! No, do it like this, or you're fired! Who's making that noise?! - It was him.
- What? - Him right there.
- Hey.
Okay.
He just got you all a cording.
No, wait.
It wasn't me.
No, I've been a good, uh, telemarketer.
[GRUNTING.]
[CRYING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Mmm, save that for later.
Devil on the run! I'll be back for all of you! Get him! We gon' get you, devil! [BOTH CACKLING.]
Hey, where'd he go? [CACKLES.]
Just saying, what if the doggy talked to animals? Ain't no dog can talk to animals! Doggy wake up.
Best eat him 'fore he talk to animals.
Oh, that's it! I can't take this anymore! Just throw him in that snake pit! But what if doggy talks to snakes? You dumb-dumb! The dog don't talk! Besides, snakes ain't got ears! How do they listen? Snakes hear through vibrations! I ain't got time to explain everything to you! Now, just get the dog in the pit! Bye, doggy.
[LAUGHS.]
[HISSING.]
[SPEAKING IN TONGUES.]
Now, for trying to escape, you shall be hanged dead.
Goodman, this isn't easy, but I do feel an apology is in order.
Boss, no need to apologize.
No, an apology from you for being such a terrible telemarketer! Oh, just hang me.
Okay! [CHOKING.]
Hello! [GASPS.]
Livingston Bumblesworth? Uh, to what do we owe the honor? Just passing by.
Can't control your telemarketers, I see.
[LAUGHS.]
No, no, no.
We were just preparing for a play! - Play? - Yes.
Uh, a play to show you just how well my farm is driving.
Cut him down! [GASPING.]
[BARKING AND WHINING.]
[SPEAKING IN TONGUES.]
Snakes hear through vibrations! Vibrations! [DRUM BEAT PLAYING.]
So, what's the vibration? Oh, for the last time, you dumb-dumb, a vibration is the oscillation of the parts of a fluid or an elastic solid whose equilibrium has been disturbed as it can transmit sounds that can be felt! Huh? Now, you going to see how well I'm doing, Bumblesworth.
[LAUGHS.]
Start the play.
Montgomery Farm is grape.
Great! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, isn't Mr.
Montgomery powerful? Why, here he comes now.
BOSS: Now! Whoa! [CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
I'm Mr.
Montgomery, and I'm a great farmer.
[GROANS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Well, that's just like me.
[GROANS.]
Actually I just sit on my big fat ass all day because I can't do anything by myself.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHING.]
What?! Now, that's more like you! What?! Hey, running a farm is hard! That's son of a no good telemarketer would know nothing about it.
Well, why don't you try being a telemarketer and sell me something? What?! Never! Oh, come now! This is quite entertaining! Hmm.
All right.
Bum, bum, bum.
Ring! - Montgomery speaking.
- Hello.
I'm a dumb telemarketer, and - Not interested! Goodbye! - Huh? [LAUGHING.]
But you didn't let me tell you what I was selling yet! Ring, ring! - Hello? - Yeah, it's me again.
Take me off your list! [LAUGHING.]
Well, that was rude of him.
- Ring! - Hello? Like I was saying I'm not home right now, so leave a message after the beep.
Beep! [LAUGHING.]
Hey! Well, this is very frustrating.
See? It's not easy being [NORMAL VOICE.]
me, trying to sell guitar weed wackers all day.
Guitar weed wackers? Who'd want that? - Uhh - Goodman, you got it.
Yeah! Uh, I use my guitar weed wacker all the time! Nothing like playing some tunes while you're wacking some weeds.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Huh, I've always wanted to play guitar, and if it was fun enough to wack the weeds, I wouldn't need telemarketers! Today, I've realized that farmers and telemarketers aren't so different.
I hereby declare all telemarketers free! [ALL CHEER.]
And I'll take a guitar weed wacker, too! [ALL CHEER.]
Just let me get my wallet! [LAUGHS.]
- Huh? - Listen up! I'm taking these telemarketers with me! Honey! Honey! Everything is good now! What are you doing?! You double-crossing telemarketer devil! Kill them all! Oh! Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, where'd that snake come from?! Aah! Aah! ALL: Huh? Oh! That's the devil! [DRUM BEAT PLAYING.]
What the hell's he doing? Get him! [HISSING.]
Huh? What the hell? [ALL SCREAMING.]
Doggy can't talk to snakes! Stop dancing, Dum Dum, and help me! The snakes just like the beat of his vibrations! You be a good boy now! Aah!! [BARKING.]
There you are, Mr.
Pickles.
Gee, I hope everybody's okay in there.
Goodman, you did save us all, so from now on, I won't give you such a hard time.
Really? Well, thank Aah! Get away from here, snake! Snakes don't have ears to hear you, dumb-dumb! Huh Hey, good afternoon.
I'm selling guitar weed wackers today.
I [DIAL TONE.]
Hello? Make some sales, or you're fired, dumb-dumb! [GROANS.]

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