Murphy Brown s01e14 Episode Script
It's How You Play the Game
Hello, I'm Murphy Brown.
Stanley Himmelfarb.
I'm your new secretary.
Oh, God, I'm dying.
There's a message for you from Walter Cronkite.
Really? He said he saw my segment on the greenhouse effect last night.
"A wonderful exposé of corporate irresponsibility and government shortsightedness.
Enjoyed it immensely.
" Frank, did you hear this? Walter Cronkite called.
He said he saw my segment last night and he enjoyed it immensely.
How about that? That's real nice.
But let's get serious.
Does Walt have a Nielsen box? What is it lately? Everybody's so ratings-conscious.
It's making me crazy.
Are you a success if 40 million people watch the show and a failure if only Good morning, everybody.
Has Miles come down with the ratings yet? No.
He's seven minutes late.
I wish he'd hurry up, that little turtle.
Do you think they'll be better? I hate coming in second.
Let me tell you something, Corky.
After 16 years in this business I've learned that ratings are baloney.
It's the quality of the work that counts, and that's all.
I really admire you, Murphy.
You're such a professional.
Now if I could only get you to vary your hairstyle.
- Morning, troops.
- How you doing, Jim? - Hello, slugger.
- Wanna hear something great, Jim? Walter Cronkite called.
He said he saw my story last night and he enjoyed it immensely.
Wonderful.
I hope the ratings are up.
Jim.
You too? They're just a meaningless bunch of numbers.
Yes, you're right.
But why don't they like us in Denver? Hi, Miles.
Let's start our little meeting so we can get back to writing stories that journalistic giants like Walter Cronkite can enjoy immensely.
What's wrong with you? We took it in the shorts.
If the ratings get any lower, I'll be hosing down the produce at Food World.
Who got the audience, as if I didn't know? Jerry Gold and his Headline News show.
News? The man spent an hour exploring the tragic plight of sex-crazed registered nurses.
It may not be our idea of news, but it sure has the public's attention.
We got a 13 share, Gold pulled a 42.
He's stomping us in the cities.
Third time in three weeks we've slipped in Denver and our 18-to-49 demographics have dropped right off the page.
What's the matter with these people? Murphy, I thought you said it was the quality of the work that counts.
Didn't you hear him, Corky? We're losing.
At least we beat Mr.
Belvedere.
I hate this.
We work hard on our shows.
We go to the wall to stay accurate and intelligent.
Only to be blown out of the water by Nurse Judy and her tongue depressor.
Boy, this burns me up.
I'd like to go door to door across this country and say: "America, I'm mad at you.
" There was a suggestion from a network VP.
It was only a suggestion.
And keep in mind that I'm only conveying it.
The network feels that maybe we could make some of our stories more intellectually accessible to a broader spectrum of viewers.
Give them some T and A, is that it? Fine.
Why don't I anchor the show in a tank top and bicycle pants.
Miles, I've been working for two weeks on a story about the homeless.
What do they want me to do? Find the lighter side? You can tell the network we're not journalistic prostitutes.
They can take their story and stick it in the file with Hello Larry and Pam Ewing's Dream.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
I am so proud of you people.
Let's get busy.
We got a show to put on.
But maybe next week you two could talk to wardrobe about some off-the-shoulder peasant blouses.
Just kidding.
- Hi, Phil.
- Hi, kid.
How you doing? Well, if this were the old days, I'd order a double Scotch rocks.
But it's a kinder, gentler America.
So I'll just have a club soda and sulk for a while.
Yeah, I heard you guys got slaughtered last night.
Something's really wrong, Phil.
We did a great show, but America decided to watch Jerry Gold make a mockery of the nursing profession.
Yeah, and I gotta tell you, I found it insulting to my intelligence.
Phil, you watched it? I had to, kid.
The customers took control of the TV.
Phil.
Personally, I found the whole thing revolting.
Hell, that one nurse looked like she has to have her uniform specially made.
And, frankly, I don't understand how a woman like that can ever get an accurate heart rate.
Hi, Jim.
Are you feeling as beat up as I am? I feel like road kill.
Hi, Murph.
Sorry I'm late, Jim.
I got tied up on this story I'm working on.
So, hey, guys, what's new? Frank, we got murdered in the ratings and you're working on a story about the homeless.
Cheer down, huh? Listen, Murphy, sometimes you just gotta laugh because things are funny.
Like today.
Today was funny.
- Wanna know what happened? - I could use a laugh.
Okay.
Who is the toughest person you know? Name the one person capable of enduring more pain than anyone? Marilyn Quayle? Right here.
Come on.
I jump out of planes.
I ride with Greenpeace.
I've covered Belfast, Beirut, Nicaragua.
Face it, I make Ollie North look like a florist.
Get on with it, Frank.
You smell like fish.
Okay, okay.
I'm working on this story about the homeless, right? And I am just tired of dealing with government statisticians the economic theorists, the bureaucrats.
So I took it to the street.
I went down along the northwest quadrant, near the State Department.
Sat around with a few of the guys.
I met this character, General Custer.
He plays checkers on an imaginary board.
He said he'd beat me three games.
Then Then I met this guy named Ed.
He's about my age.
He's got a daughter, 6 or 7.
Maureen.
Mo.
Big brown eyes, about this tall.
They've got nothing.
Ed lost his wife, lost his job, so they live in an abandoned car, an old Ford.
He said to me, if I ever needed a place to stay warm, I could use the trunk.
I said, "No, thanks.
" So I'm walking away and all of a sudden, I hear this little voice yell my name.
It's Mo.
She comes running after me and she says: "Mister I've been saving this, but you can have it.
My dad says it's okay.
" And she hands me 37 cents.
Cash.
So, you know how You're a journalist, a reporter, you get this kind of a shell things don't get to you.
Well I walked all the way back here and all I could think about was how I have the power to show this to people.
And maybe if they know they'll do something about it.
But here's the funny part.
Nobody is gonna see this story.
They're gonna be watching Jerry Gold.
Is that a killer or what? Well Look You know, I'm sorry about lunch, Jim.
I'm due in editing.
We've gotta do something, Jim.
We just can't let Jerry Gold roll over us again next week.
I agree.
Maybe we should meet with the network.
- Ask for more promotion.
- Take some bigger newspaper ads.
Perhaps get out among the viewers more.
Who are we kidding? We're gonna get creamed.
I hate this.
It really makes you wanna fight fire with fire.
- Doesn't it? - Yes.
But we have to resist that feeling.
I know.
Although we wouldn't really have to compromise our standards if it was just the one segment, leading into Frank's.
Right.
Just one.
Something that would get people to watch.
- We would never do it again.
- Never again.
Just the one time.
The one time.
What do you think? I think it might be all right.
- Lf we only do it once.
- Yes, once.
Just once.
- That's all.
- Right.
I heard about a woman in Detroit with three breasts.
Let's get on it.
I've been looking all over for you guys.
Where have you been? We were watching a tape of last week's Jerry Gold show.
How could you stand it? Corky, it was the most disgusting display of pseudo-journalism I've ever seen.
- And I think we can outdo it.
- I had an idea, Jim.
"The Secret Sex Life of Cable Installers.
" What do you think? Not bad.
How about this one? - "Devil Worship in the Senate.
" - I like it.
You two are such jokers.
Although I wouldn't rule out the whole area of UFOs.
And there's always Elvis.
Maybe we can combine them.
You guys are serious, aren't you? Oh, my God, I can't be a part of this.
I was a Miss America.
I had to see the credits.
I didn't believe those were real nurses.
They are.
Mercy General.
You know, my back's been acting up a lot lately.
It's not your back, Frank.
Now come on, let's get cracking.
We've got only one chance to beat Gold at his own game.
Don't forget what we're up against.
- Anybody know what he's scheduled? - "The Truth About Penile lmplants.
" Oh, man.
Hey, what about those nuns who mud-wrestle for charity? I lost them to Geraldo.
- Fetishes? - Yes.
- Leather, shoe, silk.
- Flannel.
I read about it somewhere.
Frank, I saw some of your film on the homeless.
Incredible work.
And so moving.
It can really have an impact.
- Thanks, Miles.
- Listen, guys I've been thinking over this network suggestion, and I want you to know I'm behind you 150 percent.
Even though taking such a stand could cost me my job I walked into the VP's office and laid it on the line.
I said, "FYI is a news organization of integrity.
We will not pander to the public's thirst for sensationalism.
Not now.
Not ever.
" That's nice.
Jim, do you know anything about bestiality? Excuse me? Here's something: "Confessions of an Undercover Cop.
" "I Dress Like a Woman and Like lt.
" "He Carried a Pair of 38s and a Gun.
" What's going on here? I thought we were finished pulling jokes on the new guy.
We've had a change of heart.
We want people to see Frank's homeless piece.
The only way to make that happen is to pull a stunt.
Do a segment that is so provocative, so sensational that everyone will watch and we'll knock Jerry Gold right on his astronomical ego.
"Women Who Used To Be Men Who Used To Be Women With Big Breasts.
" Good evening, and welcome to FYI.
For your information tonight Frank Fontana will bring you an important report on the homeless in America, and what we can do about this national disgrace.
And later, Corky Sherwood constructs a fascinating profile of the man, the myth, the legend: Bert Parks.
But first, in a very special FYI segment the flesh peddlers.
The sex merchants.
The skin trade.
Does America want hookers on every street corner? Murphy Brown takes a walk on the wild side.
Murphy? Thank you, Jim.
Retail sex in America.
Prostitution.
Should it be legalized? From either side of this political hotbed, my guests this evening are from Homemakers Against Gratuitous Sex and Hookers' Organization for American Rights.
Now then, let's start at the beginning, shall we? Jessie Fantoosi.
Hookers' Organization for American Rights was founded over a decade ago by you and a handful of working women to lobby for legalized prostitution.
Today HOAR boasts nearly For you, how did it get started? Well, in 1978 the social and political climate in this country was such that one encountered far fewer breaches in civil liberties.
- In that respect - No, how'd you get started as a hooker? Oh, well, I always loved sex and it seemed like a damn good way to make a buck.
Rose Wilson.
Homemakers Against Gratuitous Sex.
Organized in 1983, HAGS set out "Homemakers" will be fine, thank you.
All right.
Homemakers set out to combat what you have termed: "The growing decay of moral values in America.
" - Explain that for us.
- Thank you, Murphy.
We believe America is the greatest country on the face of God's green earth.
And we believe the American family is the backbone of this country's prosperity, piety and strength.
And we love our children very much.
Shawnee Shane, I'm sure these viewpoints come as no surprise to you.
- Get a tighter shot on her breasts.
- My pleasure.
Not that one.
The hooker.
Let's address the issues of social and/or moral decay.
Even you can't tell me that pornography and prostitution are anything but hurtful to a society.
Well, a lot of society is willing to pay extra for "hurtful.
" Seriously, Murphy, we feel that the mores of society should never be so restrictive that Tanya, Tanya.
You wanna know what I'm hearing? I'm hearing a Ph.
D.
At the blackboard of a civics class with a great big chip on her shoulder.
Now, let's get down to it.
I wanna know what you think about each other.
What's in your gut? Phyllis Baker.
Well, I feel, if this country is to preserve its freedom that pornographers and exotic dancers and prostitutes should be - Go ahead.
- Should be punished.
- How, Phyllis? - They should be locked up.
Or shot.
An interesting way to preserve freedom.
Jessie, how do you respond to that? I think the woman needs to spend three days in a mountain cabin with a guy named Gyro Jerry.
- I see.
- In fact, they could all use a good diuretic and a public whipping.
Betty Farkus, how about it? Is that what you need? No.
I don't need that.
But, you know, I do think that all these young ladies would greatly benefit by completing their high school education.
- Lack of education is the main reason - Rose, talk to me.
What are you feeling? Oh, well.
I feel Miss Fantoosi is ill-informed and Your gut, Rose.
Well I think Miss Fantoosi is an indecent person.
Rose, Rose, Rose, an "indecent person"? That's your response? Well, no, not entirely, but Well, then? Come on, what else? Well You didn't drive all the way down here just to show off your new dress.
These are the people you're against.
Right in front of you.
Face to face.
What did you want to tell them? You she-devil! Hold it now.
That's enough.
There's no reason we can't all sit and discuss this matter Discuss this, buddy.
- Murphy? - Carl.
I just want you to know, seeing you in action last night made my blood run like lava.
I don't feel like talking now.
I just wanted to say, if you should suddenly find yourself out of work I'm here for you, babe.
We could get out of this lousy business altogether, buy us a big rig.
It'd be a damn good life, Murphy.
I'm sure I have your phone number on file, Carl.
I'll call you later.
- Jim.
- Hello, Murphy.
Does it hurt as bad as it looks? Yes.
And I deserve the pain.
Murphy, I feel so cheap.
That makes two of us.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Look, guys, I know it's not much of a consolation but I really appreciated what you tried to do.
Thanks, Frank.
I know that we had at least two viewers last night.
My parents called.
My father says I owe him $45,000 for my education.
And my mother's going back to her maiden name.
Well I hope you're all satisfied.
Perhaps I should share a little story about a young girl growing up on a farm in Louisiana dreaming about how one day she would find her place in this world make her mark.
How she opened the TV Guide one day while in her hotel room in Atlantic City days before her crowning as the closest thing this country has to an actual queen.
And she read an article about Murphy Brown.
And she said, "That's what I wanna be.
" Well, I'll tell you something.
It was between Murphy Brown and Victoria Principal and it's painfully obvious that I made the wrong choice.
Hello? Hold on.
It's your office with the ratings.
Silverberg here.
Shoot.
San Francisco.
L.
A.
Minneapolis.
Chicago.
New York.
Right.
Thanks.
Looks like it's bad news.
For Jerry Gold! We clobbered him! We won in every major city by a seven-point spread.
Oh, my God, we broke records! A 47 share.
And we held them the whole hour! Jim! Jim! My man! Have you ever seen a 47 share in your life?! Whoa, mama! Frank, that's 50 million people.
Fifty million people saw your piece on the homeless last night.
People watched.
They saw it.
We did it.
Last week we had a measly We're number one.
And it was easy.
It was so easy.
Murphy, next week you're doing that story on Medicaid, right? - Right.
- Okay, so I'll do that thing on transsexual ballroom dancing.
- Yes! - We'll give it a real news-story slant.
Call it a cultural glitch, a sign of changing mores a reflection of the society's evolution.
It's not like we're selling out.
We're only going to do it a little each week.
Just enough to get people to watch our good stuff.
You know I've worked in this business 30 years.
I never had ratings like this before.
Well, I'm sorry, but it feels good.
This is what success is, right? People watching the show.
Yeah, people watching the show.
The way they slow down on the highway to see an accident.
But we did what we set out to do.
We got what we want.
Didn't we?
Stanley Himmelfarb.
I'm your new secretary.
Oh, God, I'm dying.
There's a message for you from Walter Cronkite.
Really? He said he saw my segment on the greenhouse effect last night.
"A wonderful exposé of corporate irresponsibility and government shortsightedness.
Enjoyed it immensely.
" Frank, did you hear this? Walter Cronkite called.
He said he saw my segment last night and he enjoyed it immensely.
How about that? That's real nice.
But let's get serious.
Does Walt have a Nielsen box? What is it lately? Everybody's so ratings-conscious.
It's making me crazy.
Are you a success if 40 million people watch the show and a failure if only Good morning, everybody.
Has Miles come down with the ratings yet? No.
He's seven minutes late.
I wish he'd hurry up, that little turtle.
Do you think they'll be better? I hate coming in second.
Let me tell you something, Corky.
After 16 years in this business I've learned that ratings are baloney.
It's the quality of the work that counts, and that's all.
I really admire you, Murphy.
You're such a professional.
Now if I could only get you to vary your hairstyle.
- Morning, troops.
- How you doing, Jim? - Hello, slugger.
- Wanna hear something great, Jim? Walter Cronkite called.
He said he saw my story last night and he enjoyed it immensely.
Wonderful.
I hope the ratings are up.
Jim.
You too? They're just a meaningless bunch of numbers.
Yes, you're right.
But why don't they like us in Denver? Hi, Miles.
Let's start our little meeting so we can get back to writing stories that journalistic giants like Walter Cronkite can enjoy immensely.
What's wrong with you? We took it in the shorts.
If the ratings get any lower, I'll be hosing down the produce at Food World.
Who got the audience, as if I didn't know? Jerry Gold and his Headline News show.
News? The man spent an hour exploring the tragic plight of sex-crazed registered nurses.
It may not be our idea of news, but it sure has the public's attention.
We got a 13 share, Gold pulled a 42.
He's stomping us in the cities.
Third time in three weeks we've slipped in Denver and our 18-to-49 demographics have dropped right off the page.
What's the matter with these people? Murphy, I thought you said it was the quality of the work that counts.
Didn't you hear him, Corky? We're losing.
At least we beat Mr.
Belvedere.
I hate this.
We work hard on our shows.
We go to the wall to stay accurate and intelligent.
Only to be blown out of the water by Nurse Judy and her tongue depressor.
Boy, this burns me up.
I'd like to go door to door across this country and say: "America, I'm mad at you.
" There was a suggestion from a network VP.
It was only a suggestion.
And keep in mind that I'm only conveying it.
The network feels that maybe we could make some of our stories more intellectually accessible to a broader spectrum of viewers.
Give them some T and A, is that it? Fine.
Why don't I anchor the show in a tank top and bicycle pants.
Miles, I've been working for two weeks on a story about the homeless.
What do they want me to do? Find the lighter side? You can tell the network we're not journalistic prostitutes.
They can take their story and stick it in the file with Hello Larry and Pam Ewing's Dream.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
I am so proud of you people.
Let's get busy.
We got a show to put on.
But maybe next week you two could talk to wardrobe about some off-the-shoulder peasant blouses.
Just kidding.
- Hi, Phil.
- Hi, kid.
How you doing? Well, if this were the old days, I'd order a double Scotch rocks.
But it's a kinder, gentler America.
So I'll just have a club soda and sulk for a while.
Yeah, I heard you guys got slaughtered last night.
Something's really wrong, Phil.
We did a great show, but America decided to watch Jerry Gold make a mockery of the nursing profession.
Yeah, and I gotta tell you, I found it insulting to my intelligence.
Phil, you watched it? I had to, kid.
The customers took control of the TV.
Phil.
Personally, I found the whole thing revolting.
Hell, that one nurse looked like she has to have her uniform specially made.
And, frankly, I don't understand how a woman like that can ever get an accurate heart rate.
Hi, Jim.
Are you feeling as beat up as I am? I feel like road kill.
Hi, Murph.
Sorry I'm late, Jim.
I got tied up on this story I'm working on.
So, hey, guys, what's new? Frank, we got murdered in the ratings and you're working on a story about the homeless.
Cheer down, huh? Listen, Murphy, sometimes you just gotta laugh because things are funny.
Like today.
Today was funny.
- Wanna know what happened? - I could use a laugh.
Okay.
Who is the toughest person you know? Name the one person capable of enduring more pain than anyone? Marilyn Quayle? Right here.
Come on.
I jump out of planes.
I ride with Greenpeace.
I've covered Belfast, Beirut, Nicaragua.
Face it, I make Ollie North look like a florist.
Get on with it, Frank.
You smell like fish.
Okay, okay.
I'm working on this story about the homeless, right? And I am just tired of dealing with government statisticians the economic theorists, the bureaucrats.
So I took it to the street.
I went down along the northwest quadrant, near the State Department.
Sat around with a few of the guys.
I met this character, General Custer.
He plays checkers on an imaginary board.
He said he'd beat me three games.
Then Then I met this guy named Ed.
He's about my age.
He's got a daughter, 6 or 7.
Maureen.
Mo.
Big brown eyes, about this tall.
They've got nothing.
Ed lost his wife, lost his job, so they live in an abandoned car, an old Ford.
He said to me, if I ever needed a place to stay warm, I could use the trunk.
I said, "No, thanks.
" So I'm walking away and all of a sudden, I hear this little voice yell my name.
It's Mo.
She comes running after me and she says: "Mister I've been saving this, but you can have it.
My dad says it's okay.
" And she hands me 37 cents.
Cash.
So, you know how You're a journalist, a reporter, you get this kind of a shell things don't get to you.
Well I walked all the way back here and all I could think about was how I have the power to show this to people.
And maybe if they know they'll do something about it.
But here's the funny part.
Nobody is gonna see this story.
They're gonna be watching Jerry Gold.
Is that a killer or what? Well Look You know, I'm sorry about lunch, Jim.
I'm due in editing.
We've gotta do something, Jim.
We just can't let Jerry Gold roll over us again next week.
I agree.
Maybe we should meet with the network.
- Ask for more promotion.
- Take some bigger newspaper ads.
Perhaps get out among the viewers more.
Who are we kidding? We're gonna get creamed.
I hate this.
It really makes you wanna fight fire with fire.
- Doesn't it? - Yes.
But we have to resist that feeling.
I know.
Although we wouldn't really have to compromise our standards if it was just the one segment, leading into Frank's.
Right.
Just one.
Something that would get people to watch.
- We would never do it again.
- Never again.
Just the one time.
The one time.
What do you think? I think it might be all right.
- Lf we only do it once.
- Yes, once.
Just once.
- That's all.
- Right.
I heard about a woman in Detroit with three breasts.
Let's get on it.
I've been looking all over for you guys.
Where have you been? We were watching a tape of last week's Jerry Gold show.
How could you stand it? Corky, it was the most disgusting display of pseudo-journalism I've ever seen.
- And I think we can outdo it.
- I had an idea, Jim.
"The Secret Sex Life of Cable Installers.
" What do you think? Not bad.
How about this one? - "Devil Worship in the Senate.
" - I like it.
You two are such jokers.
Although I wouldn't rule out the whole area of UFOs.
And there's always Elvis.
Maybe we can combine them.
You guys are serious, aren't you? Oh, my God, I can't be a part of this.
I was a Miss America.
I had to see the credits.
I didn't believe those were real nurses.
They are.
Mercy General.
You know, my back's been acting up a lot lately.
It's not your back, Frank.
Now come on, let's get cracking.
We've got only one chance to beat Gold at his own game.
Don't forget what we're up against.
- Anybody know what he's scheduled? - "The Truth About Penile lmplants.
" Oh, man.
Hey, what about those nuns who mud-wrestle for charity? I lost them to Geraldo.
- Fetishes? - Yes.
- Leather, shoe, silk.
- Flannel.
I read about it somewhere.
Frank, I saw some of your film on the homeless.
Incredible work.
And so moving.
It can really have an impact.
- Thanks, Miles.
- Listen, guys I've been thinking over this network suggestion, and I want you to know I'm behind you 150 percent.
Even though taking such a stand could cost me my job I walked into the VP's office and laid it on the line.
I said, "FYI is a news organization of integrity.
We will not pander to the public's thirst for sensationalism.
Not now.
Not ever.
" That's nice.
Jim, do you know anything about bestiality? Excuse me? Here's something: "Confessions of an Undercover Cop.
" "I Dress Like a Woman and Like lt.
" "He Carried a Pair of 38s and a Gun.
" What's going on here? I thought we were finished pulling jokes on the new guy.
We've had a change of heart.
We want people to see Frank's homeless piece.
The only way to make that happen is to pull a stunt.
Do a segment that is so provocative, so sensational that everyone will watch and we'll knock Jerry Gold right on his astronomical ego.
"Women Who Used To Be Men Who Used To Be Women With Big Breasts.
" Good evening, and welcome to FYI.
For your information tonight Frank Fontana will bring you an important report on the homeless in America, and what we can do about this national disgrace.
And later, Corky Sherwood constructs a fascinating profile of the man, the myth, the legend: Bert Parks.
But first, in a very special FYI segment the flesh peddlers.
The sex merchants.
The skin trade.
Does America want hookers on every street corner? Murphy Brown takes a walk on the wild side.
Murphy? Thank you, Jim.
Retail sex in America.
Prostitution.
Should it be legalized? From either side of this political hotbed, my guests this evening are from Homemakers Against Gratuitous Sex and Hookers' Organization for American Rights.
Now then, let's start at the beginning, shall we? Jessie Fantoosi.
Hookers' Organization for American Rights was founded over a decade ago by you and a handful of working women to lobby for legalized prostitution.
Today HOAR boasts nearly For you, how did it get started? Well, in 1978 the social and political climate in this country was such that one encountered far fewer breaches in civil liberties.
- In that respect - No, how'd you get started as a hooker? Oh, well, I always loved sex and it seemed like a damn good way to make a buck.
Rose Wilson.
Homemakers Against Gratuitous Sex.
Organized in 1983, HAGS set out "Homemakers" will be fine, thank you.
All right.
Homemakers set out to combat what you have termed: "The growing decay of moral values in America.
" - Explain that for us.
- Thank you, Murphy.
We believe America is the greatest country on the face of God's green earth.
And we believe the American family is the backbone of this country's prosperity, piety and strength.
And we love our children very much.
Shawnee Shane, I'm sure these viewpoints come as no surprise to you.
- Get a tighter shot on her breasts.
- My pleasure.
Not that one.
The hooker.
Let's address the issues of social and/or moral decay.
Even you can't tell me that pornography and prostitution are anything but hurtful to a society.
Well, a lot of society is willing to pay extra for "hurtful.
" Seriously, Murphy, we feel that the mores of society should never be so restrictive that Tanya, Tanya.
You wanna know what I'm hearing? I'm hearing a Ph.
D.
At the blackboard of a civics class with a great big chip on her shoulder.
Now, let's get down to it.
I wanna know what you think about each other.
What's in your gut? Phyllis Baker.
Well, I feel, if this country is to preserve its freedom that pornographers and exotic dancers and prostitutes should be - Go ahead.
- Should be punished.
- How, Phyllis? - They should be locked up.
Or shot.
An interesting way to preserve freedom.
Jessie, how do you respond to that? I think the woman needs to spend three days in a mountain cabin with a guy named Gyro Jerry.
- I see.
- In fact, they could all use a good diuretic and a public whipping.
Betty Farkus, how about it? Is that what you need? No.
I don't need that.
But, you know, I do think that all these young ladies would greatly benefit by completing their high school education.
- Lack of education is the main reason - Rose, talk to me.
What are you feeling? Oh, well.
I feel Miss Fantoosi is ill-informed and Your gut, Rose.
Well I think Miss Fantoosi is an indecent person.
Rose, Rose, Rose, an "indecent person"? That's your response? Well, no, not entirely, but Well, then? Come on, what else? Well You didn't drive all the way down here just to show off your new dress.
These are the people you're against.
Right in front of you.
Face to face.
What did you want to tell them? You she-devil! Hold it now.
That's enough.
There's no reason we can't all sit and discuss this matter Discuss this, buddy.
- Murphy? - Carl.
I just want you to know, seeing you in action last night made my blood run like lava.
I don't feel like talking now.
I just wanted to say, if you should suddenly find yourself out of work I'm here for you, babe.
We could get out of this lousy business altogether, buy us a big rig.
It'd be a damn good life, Murphy.
I'm sure I have your phone number on file, Carl.
I'll call you later.
- Jim.
- Hello, Murphy.
Does it hurt as bad as it looks? Yes.
And I deserve the pain.
Murphy, I feel so cheap.
That makes two of us.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Look, guys, I know it's not much of a consolation but I really appreciated what you tried to do.
Thanks, Frank.
I know that we had at least two viewers last night.
My parents called.
My father says I owe him $45,000 for my education.
And my mother's going back to her maiden name.
Well I hope you're all satisfied.
Perhaps I should share a little story about a young girl growing up on a farm in Louisiana dreaming about how one day she would find her place in this world make her mark.
How she opened the TV Guide one day while in her hotel room in Atlantic City days before her crowning as the closest thing this country has to an actual queen.
And she read an article about Murphy Brown.
And she said, "That's what I wanna be.
" Well, I'll tell you something.
It was between Murphy Brown and Victoria Principal and it's painfully obvious that I made the wrong choice.
Hello? Hold on.
It's your office with the ratings.
Silverberg here.
Shoot.
San Francisco.
L.
A.
Minneapolis.
Chicago.
New York.
Right.
Thanks.
Looks like it's bad news.
For Jerry Gold! We clobbered him! We won in every major city by a seven-point spread.
Oh, my God, we broke records! A 47 share.
And we held them the whole hour! Jim! Jim! My man! Have you ever seen a 47 share in your life?! Whoa, mama! Frank, that's 50 million people.
Fifty million people saw your piece on the homeless last night.
People watched.
They saw it.
We did it.
Last week we had a measly We're number one.
And it was easy.
It was so easy.
Murphy, next week you're doing that story on Medicaid, right? - Right.
- Okay, so I'll do that thing on transsexual ballroom dancing.
- Yes! - We'll give it a real news-story slant.
Call it a cultural glitch, a sign of changing mores a reflection of the society's evolution.
It's not like we're selling out.
We're only going to do it a little each week.
Just enough to get people to watch our good stuff.
You know I've worked in this business 30 years.
I never had ratings like this before.
Well, I'm sorry, but it feels good.
This is what success is, right? People watching the show.
Yeah, people watching the show.
The way they slow down on the highway to see an accident.
But we did what we set out to do.
We got what we want.
Didn't we?