Never Have I Ever (2020) s02e08 Episode Script

1
Ever since Devi had stopped
Aneesa from transferring schools,
Ben was, thankfully, back
to talking to her again.
'Sup, David?
Not much.
Oh.
A bird got caught in our chimney
this morning. That was wild!
Well, he was talking to her,
whenever his mouth
wasn't hoovering Aneesa's.
But Devi couldn't be mad
that they were a couple now.
It had all been above board.
- You honestly don't mind?
- No, I'm good.
I love that you and Ben are together.
I'm your biggest fan! I'm your stan.
Thanks, Devi.
Now, let's just pray my
parents never find out,
or I say goodbye to my first boyfriend
and hello to being homeschooled
with my super religious
cousin, Shahrukh.
Hey!
- What's up?
- How are you?
How are you?
The old Devi would not have
been able to handle this.
But this new Devi was trying
a more mature approach.
Ugh!
Well, sort of.
- Ah!
- Oh. Sorry.
Didn't mean to sneak up on you.
Damn, Fab, are you
wearing a leather jacket?
Yep. Eve took me shopping.
Look at these zippers. Some
don't even come with pockets!
- Mmm.
- Hey! Since we're all here,
what do you think about sharing
a limo to the Winter Dance?
- Big yes!
- Love it.
Ooh, queen!
Gorgeous! Devi, what about you?
Um, you think you're gonna have a date?
Oh. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've got a few prospects.
A couple of guys in the rotashe.
She is lying. She has no one.
Who even cares about dates?
They're there to hold
our purses and look cute.
- Oh. Is that all I am to you?
- Yeah.
- Oh, really?
- That's exactly what
Um, I actually don't
wanna ride in the limo,
'cause I spent my whole childhood
in a magical one on television.
Oh, Malcolm, I'm really sorry
The fact that you
could even suggest that,
makes me feel really
unseen by my partner.
Like, where's your head at?
- Would you be open to a party bus?
- Oh, no, yeah, sure. I love party buses!
Hey, El?
Yeah?
I don't love the way
Malcolm just talked to you.
It reminded me of
that health class video
about controlling teen relationships.
The one from the '80s where the
guy smashes the girl's boom box
and tells her she can't wear
her favorite leg warmers?
Yeah, and she cries
into her Trapper Keeper!
You don't know him like I do.
That's just the way
we are with each other.
I promise, it's fine.
That's literally verbatim
what the girl said in
the health class video.
'Sup, Sash?
Yeah. 'Sup, Sash?
Y'all, I have put together the
dopest social schedule for you two.
After school today, you're having
salads with the cool vegans,
followed by a kombucha
with the less-cool vegans,
and then tomorrow, the
volleyball fundraiser
Actually, Sasha,
uh, Monday, Wednesday, Friday I
have robotics practice after school.
Fab, robotics can wait. We already
got rid of your dork clothes.
We need to get you and
Eve out among the people.
No one's gonna vote for
Cricket Queens they don't know.
So we need to campaign, henny!
I know it's asking a lot
for you to skip robotics,
but think about how meaningful it'll be
for the queer community
here when we win.
Yeah, I know.
But I'm the robotics team captain.
I can't just ditch my guys.
I'd assume they're probably
pretty used to being ditched.
Hey!
Why don't we compromise?
How about, just for this week,
you skip Monday and
Wednesdays practices?
But going forward, Sasha
will schedule around robotics.
Sound good?
Yeah, okay. Yeah, that could work.
I sort of stand by the fact
that the fewer robots
she's with, the better.
But yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. Deal.
Oh shit!
In all her focus to
repair things with Aneesa,
Devi had totally forgotten
that someone else was
probably pissed at her too.
If you want good grades,
then be a good student.
I can't hold your hand forever!
Yeah. It seems like
there might need to be
one more stop on her apology tour.
Hey! Paxton!
So, what was your memory
of our last interaction?
You yelled at me like
I was a stupid child.
I can see how you'd
interpret it that way,
but listen, I had just been suspended,
and I was in a really
emotionally volatile place.
Whatever, Devi. I don't
really care about it.
Really? Sick!
If you wanna meet up later,
we can talk about tutoring
Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna
need tutoring anymore actually.
I'm gonna take your
advice, do it on my own.
I wouldn't want you to
have to "hold my hand."
All right, homies.
Since we've come to the end of
our unit on The Great Gatsby,
and because I can't read another paper
about the symbolism of the green light,
here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna do a mock trial
to test your knowledge.
A mock trial of what? We already
know that George Wilson killed Gatsby.
Word? Guess what? We're not
trying George Wilson, okay?
We are going to try and decide
if our favorite trust-fund bae,
Daisy Buchanan, should also be
tried for the murder of Jay Gatsby.
Ooh, what do y'all think?
That's creative as hell, huh?
I've chosen your jobs for you.
You're gonna be the prosecution,
defense, witnesses and so forth.
Ooh, Devi! Me, you,
and Ben are the defense.
We all get to work
together. Isn't that tight?
Bet!
Okay, looks like we're the prosecution,
so should I just do all the work
and you guys say what I tell you to?
Awesome. Feel free to write me a
lot of prop-work. It's my forte.
What? No! Look, I want to
contribute. I actually read the book.
All right, cool. We'll work as a group.
But not me, right?
Yes! You too, weird actor
kid with too many rings.
- Stop.
- What?
Okay, let's get started.
It says here
that our group is the defense and Daisy,
but doesn't say who should play Daisy.
I should be one of the lawyers.
Aside from being hyper masculine,
my dad's a lawyer, so it's in my blood.
Uh-huh, and I should
probably be the other lawyer.
I am on the school's mock trial team,
and I've been told I have a
very disagreeable personality.
- So, Aneesa, you'll be our Daisy.
- Oh, for real?
I kinda wanted to be a lawyer too.
I don't really identify
with the Daisy character.
She's, like, super flighty and unstable,
and throws away a
good man for no reason.
Good point. Devi, you're Daisy.
Wait, what?
Oh, Benny, should we get matching suits?
- What? Yeah!
- Right?
I'm gonna go get a soda.
You okay? Seems like torture out there.
That tickle fight went on forever!
Which one? There's been four.
Oh my God! Boy, you better stop!
I'm really trying to be mature,
Kamala, but it's so hard.
Yeah, I think you're in need
of some family assistance.
So I brought some of my dad's trial
books. This is one of his faves.
Maybe we should watch a few episodes
of How to Get Away with Murder.
Hey, guys. Sorry to interrupt,
but Devi's grandmother
wanted to join the fun.
She was almost alive in the 1920s.
Hello, Auntie.
Help me down, child. Don't
touch my hip! Too brittle.
Don't mind me. I'm just here to listen.
Kamala had saved the day,
momentarily granting Devi a
recess from her own personal trial,
but Devi knew this
relief was only temporary
and she would need to
have a word with the judge.
Okay, I think we should
start by listing the facts.
All right. Daisy drove
the car that killed Myrtle.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, and here's my thought.
What if I leave the facts to you two,
and I'm in charge of playing
to the court's emotions?
I'll bite. How would you do that?
By being Gatsby's silent haunting ghost.
Is that so you don't have to do work?
Uh, it's a lot of work to
act only with your eyes.
Okay, fine. Who cares?
You're the ghost, dude.
Excellent.
I'm gonna go look in your bathroom
mirror and try to scare myself.
Hey, is there any chance
that these texts are platonic?
No.
Mr. Kulkarni, I have to change roles.
I can't work with the defense team!
Damn it. Could you just come in
and say, "Hello, Mr. Kulkarni"?
Or "Wow, your homemade pizza
smells straight-up delish"?
I don't have time for small
talk, Mr. K! This is an emergency,
and your pizza smells regular.
Okay, first of all,
don't knock my homemade pizza
if you want a favor from me.
- Secondly, there's no switching roles.
- But I can't work with Ben and Aneesa!
They're always all over each other,
and I don't know if you know
this, but Ben and I have a past.
A sordid past.
Look, let me tell you a story.
My ex-girlfriend and I,
we broke up right after we signed
up for this couples' cooking class,
and now I gotta see her every Wednesday.
- Why are you still going to the class?
- Because I paid for 11 weeks upfront.
What, I'm gonna let her make
delicious date-night foods on my dime?
Was there a point you
were working up to?
Okay, the point is,
I get to see her every week,
and I get to be reminded
of all the things that
annoy me about her.
Like her cackling laugh, or her
overuse of the word "random,"
or the way she constantly brings
up her semester abroad in London.
Oh, that's kinda cool.
It's not. It's basic.
The point is, distance
makes the heart grow fonder,
and proximity makes
the heart want to barf,
so you get back to that group
and you let that boy
annoy the hell out of you.
Huh?
- Hmm.
- Okay.
Also, tell your cousin I said hi.
That pizza making you
a little thirsty, Mr. K?
Hey. So last night I was
looking at Malcolm's phone,
and there was a bunch
of sus texts popping up.
Ew! Who the F is Isabella?
The home-wrecker he's
cheating on El with!
So he plays her to her
face and behind her back.
This dude is trash!
Yeah, I know! How are we gonna tell her?
You know, a lot of people
see law as stuffy and boring,
but I like to think the Constitution
as a living, breathing document.
Devi had forgotten how
tedious Ben could be.
You know I actually went to the premiere
of Baz Luhrmann's The Great Gatsby?
Yeah, it's the one with Leo in it.
My dad and Baz play
squash together sometimes.
- What? That's so cool!
- Yeah. I know.
Mmm.
Nothing but plastic. Let's go!
Ow!
All right! Uh, I think we're done here.
Wow, it seems like we made
a lot of progress today.
- What do you think, Devi?
- Oh, definitely.
A lot of progress.
Devi was feeling a little lighter.
By just shifting her mindset, she
had turned Ben from a dreamboat
back into the annoying
dork he had always been.
Devi, what are you smiling about?
Your mother just told us
that she was abandoning us!
- Huh?
- I am just not having dinner with you.
I'm gonna go see Frost/Nixon
at the Taper Forum.
Ooh! Can I come with?
- I love plays that are two-handers.
- What? No!
Sorry, did not mean to snap at you.
It's just that this outing is
just for people from my office,
like me, and Tracey
You could have warned me before I
bought four portions of cauliflower.
I didn't know that we were
so wasteful in this family.
Perhaps, I should just start
flushing money down the toilet.
Aiyyo! Cari. I will eat before
I go. I will eat before I go.
Thank you.
So, Devi, tell us about your day.
Huh? My day was pretty deese.
Mr. Kulkarni actually
taught me a valuable lesson.
Only one valuable lesson?
American public schools.
Also, he said to say hi to you, Kamala.
- He did?
- Hmm.
Oh.
- Tell him I said hi back.
- Mmm.
Is Kamala blushing? Whoa!
If Mr. K had said hi to me,
I would not have blushed.
We are nothing more ♪
♪
Than strangers, after all ♪
Wow, this is a real vibe.
Is this an intervention?
I don't sniff Sharpies anymore.
That was just one tough week.
No! We're just celebrating your spirit.
Some chamomile and charged crystal?
Okay.
And maybe we're here to also tell you
that Malcolm might be cheating on you.
What?
I'm sorry, El.
I saw some pretty suspicious
texts on his phone.
Well, maybe it was a misunderstanding.
Malcolm's a very passionate texter.
He added eggplants on his
text votes for American Idol.
What he texted isn't the problem.
That cretin!
Who's this harlot Isabella?
I don't know, but she's no Eleanor Wong!
Malcolm sucks, and you
deserve someone better.
You deserve Daniel Day-Lewis
making his wife live with him
in character as Abraham Lincoln.
My ideal.
We got you. Forget about Malcolm.
I'll be your date to the dance.
Now tell me, which
essential oil do you need?
Sandalwood, please.
It's open.
Oh. Hey! Where's Aneesa?
Oh, she has a soccer game in Pasadena,
so just you and me today, David.
Oh, okay, cool.
I mean, there's really
not much left to do,
and I already picked
out my fit for Daisy.
It was inspired by what Lindsay
Lohan wore to her DUI trial.
Nice! Yeah, no, I think
we're in good shape.
Hey, I hope things haven't been too
weird for you working
with me and Aneesa.
Oh.
Nah, it's chill.
I think you and Aneesa
make a really good couple.
She's super cool, and you're
someone who deserves someone super cool.
Thanks.
Yeah, no, I I really like her.
And honestly, anyone's
better than Shira.
Or me, for that matter.
I was a real bad girlfriend.
I'm sorry about that.
You'll do better next time. Just
maybe stick to one guy.
Huh, I'll try. But you know
me, I'm just so insatiable.
Order in the court!
We are presiding over the case of
the People versus Daisy Buchanan,
in the case of the murder
of one Mr. Jay Gatsby.
Let the prosecution begin
with their opening statements.
Your Honor, Daisy Buchanan is
the reason we are here today,
and the reason why Mr. Gatsby is not.
Well, at least not
in his corporeal form.
Anyway, if Daisy had not
run over Myrtle Wilson
and allowed Mr. Gatsby
to take the blame for it,
then George Wilson
would not have thought Mr.
Gatsby was his wife's lover,
and therefore, would
not have killed him.
Thank you.
Thank you, prosecution.
Defense, your opening remarks?
"Her voice is full of money."
That's how Jay Gatsby described Daisy.
Now, the prosecution has given a
rather simple assessment of the case.
No offense.
For it's not Daisy's
fault that Gatsby is dead.
No, no, the fault lies
in the rampant classism and
materialism of the 1920s,
and the society in which Daisy existed
gave her no choice but to reject Gatsby,
which ultimately led to his demise.
Thus, the defendant is incontestably
innocent.
Mic drop.
Mmm, okay.
Prosecution, you may
call your first witness.
We call Nick Carraway,
the narrator of the book.
So, uh, Nick, tell us why
you think Daisy's guilty?
Because she like blew my boy off,
even though Gatsby threw,
like, sick parties for her,
and had a dope mansion and shit.
But even you acknowledge the societal
ills that led to Gatsby's death.
That's why you move back
to the Midwest at the end.
I do?
That sucks. I only watched
the first half of the movie.
Trent, I'm right here! You
should not be admitting to that.
Defense, it's time for your witnesses.
We call the defendant, Daisy Buchanan.
May it please the court,
I am but a victim of my circumstances.
As a woman of this era, all I
have is my ability to marry well.
You may remember that women only
just got the right to vote in 1920.
Well said, Miss Buchanan.
How about we move on to
some closing arguments?
Defense, you may start.
So, in conclusion,
uh, Daisy Buchanan is innocent
of these charges because
Um
Sorry.
I don't know where I put it.
Okay, well, I can't find it, but,
uh, basically, society and stuff.
Just like my colleague said.
So because of that, uh,
she had, has,
to be not guilty.
Thank you.
"Society and stuff," huh?
Look, all I'm hearing from that
side is excuse after excuse.
It's time for this woman to take
responsibility for her actions!
Daisy Buchanan may
not have fired the gun,
but she is certainly guilty
for killing Jay Gatsby,
because when she chose Tom
over him, she stopped his heart.
Therefore, he was dead long before
the bullet ever entered his body.
The prosecution rests.
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!
Damn! Excellent work, Miss Torres.
It wouldn't hold weight
in a court of law,
but it certainly holds some
weight in the court of literature.
The court sides Boom!
With the prosecution!
Daisy Buchanan, you are guilty
of the murder of Jay Gatsby.
Wait, I lost?
- I lost in an academic competition?
- Yeah, you did.
Yes, we won!
What happened to your note cards?
Oh, that I don't know.
I threw them in my backpack,
and I guess they got mixed up.
Sorry about that.
Uh, you're not mad, are you?
Uh, no. No! No, of course not.
Okay.
Dude, I'm not even bummed that I lost
because your closing argument was sick!
"He was dead before the
bullet ever entered his body."
Thank you.
Hey! You two!
So guess what?
Those texts of Malcolm's, they
were from his agent about a role.
She's 73,
and she's an out-and-proud
asexual, so it's far from romantic.
Yeah, right!
She called him "babe" and said that
he "looked cute" when he's filthy.
Uh, that's because I just
got cast as the voice of Babe
Space Pig.
Oh shit.
- Sorry.
- Mmm.
We were just trying to be good friends.
Is that what you're telling yourselves?
All I see are immature children
who can't be happy for their friend.
Time to get you some
new gal pals, Eleanor.
El, he may not be cheating,
but he's still a toxic,
condescending douchebag!
Whoa!
The only toxic people I see are you two.
Stop trying to break us up.
I'm choosing to be with Malcolm!
"How you like them apples?"
Matt Damon, Good Will Hunting.
And like, I should be taking
relationship advice from you anyway?
Fabiola, you've turned
into an Eve clone.
And, Devi, in what world do you
know anything about relationships?
You've never even been in a real one,
and your two-timing
situation doesn't count.
Eleanor
Just because your personal
life is a toilet fire
doesn't mean you have to take
a flaming dump all over mine.
Over the past week,
Devi had done her best to be a selfless,
emotionally mature friend to all,
and what had it gotten her?
Here she was, crying on
the street like a maniac.
Hey.
You need a ride?
I'm fine.
You don't look fine. You look
puffy.
Come on.
Fab, Fab, Fab, Fab. There you are.
I'll be right in, guys.
- No, you won't.
- What?
Shira's throwing a
last-minute hot tub party,
and we scored an invite.
Eve's in the car. Come on!
I already missed two practices
and we agreed you were gonna
try and schedule around that.
I can't predict when Shira's
gonna whip out her frozé machine
and invite the popular kids
to get in their bikinis, okay?
All I know is that this is
the event we need to go to,
so let's go slurp up some frozen wine
and make you into a Cricket Queen.
Come on!
So, why were you crying?
I got into a really
bad fight with Eleanor.
Seems like you're in a
fight with lots of people.
Paxton, I'm so sorry I yelled at you.
Yeah, you were really rude,
but I have been trying
to take your advice.
I saw, and look, your team won today.
Not because of me.
I I just don't get it.
You know, I worked as hard as I could,
and still got thrashed by the
kid you cheated on me with.
I mean, maybe I am dumb.
You're not dumb.
Yeah, but I'm not smart.
Can I give you some non-yelling advice?
I don't think you worked
as hard as you could.
I think you did the assignment,
but if you really wanted
to wow your teachers,
you have to go above and beyond.
What's the hardest you ever
pushed yourself in swimming?
Uh I guess there was that one
time I accidentally swam to San Diego.
What? From Los Angeles?
Yeah.
Wow! Well, okay.
Swim to San Diego in school.
Okay. Yeah, I'll give that a try.
Oh, do you mind just pulling up
by that fire hydrant over there?
You can't see it from my house,
and I don't want my mom to
flip out that I rode with you.
Yeah, I'd be down not to
interact with your mom ever again.
But anyway, I promise,
I'm a changed woman.
From now on, I'm as
chill as a Slurpee, bro.
I'll believe that when I see it.
Hmm.
Whoa, is that a Maybach? Sick!
Wait, I recognize that car.
And is that your mom
in there? With a guy?
Yep, that's the face of a girl
who is realizing her
mom is on a date. Yikes!