New Girl s06e08 Episode Script
James Wonder
1 Babe, can you help me finish this thank you card to Asha Auntie? She got us that.
- SCHMIDT: That porpoise porn? - Yeah.
"Best, comma, Cece and Schimdt.
" All we're gonna give her is a "Best, comma"? Come on, she's my mom's sister.
Well, she should have stuck to the registry.
You know who hasn't even gotten us a present yet? - I have a year.
- He has a year.
- I have a year! - [door closes.]
All right, everyone.
Report to the principal's office, where I will be sitting behind the desk because I might be principal! - Congrats! - That's great! What do you mean, could be principal? Well, I just had a very interesting talk with my boss, Genevieve.
Jess, - I am dying.
- What? Oh, my God! Dying to leave Banyon Canyon and launch my own elementary school at sea.
Oh.
You scared the bejesus out of me.
I've wanted this forever and I came so close at my last school.
Like, champagne and Prosecco close.
So, if you find marijuana in a locker, it's yours now.
Ours now.
It could just be part of the loft.
We could just put it in a Congratulations.
You just got yourself two weeks detention, Mr.
Miller.
What? But I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything! [sighs.]
Principal, that's great.
I'm really proud of you.
And now you're almost gonna make what normal people make.
But I'm not even in it for the cabbage.
I want to change lives.
And finally, I can implement some of my programs school-wide, like the math decathlon the demathlon.
A-ha! [Winston laughing.]
You see this whole time, y'all thought you were having breakfast with Winston, but it turns out y'all been sitting with James Wonder.
I'm talking about my alias.
See, I'm thinking about applying for undercover work.
That sounds incredibly dangerous.
Well, not if I go deep enough into my undercover character.
I've been practicing on y'all unknowin' asses.
I combined the names of my favorite singers Stevie Wonder and James Blunt.
And I put those together to create a different name as my alias, James Wonder.
I'm worried you're not the undercover type of guy.
I feel like if you had the ability to pretend to be someone else, you would have made that decision a long time ago.
I feel like that sounded harsh, but it's only 'cause I care about you.
JESS: I love Parents' Day! Matching names to e-mail addresses, puttin' big people in little chairs.
Admiring all that sweet daddy derriere.
- Yeah, I'm not doing that.
- Good.
More for me.
Ooh.
That is Ed Warner.
President of the parent's council.
You're gonna need his vote if you want to become principal, so - Okay, did you talk me up? - Absolutely not.
School politics gets messy and as my grandmother used to say, "You don't get dirty till after 6:30.
" Piece of cake.
Parents love me.
Ed! Oh, are-are you okay? [chuckling.]
: Sorry, I was, uh, moved to tears by the second grader's self-portraits.
I cannot believe you are gonna abandon us next year.
- Oh - I'm like, "Ah, don't go!" [imitating Genevieve.]
: I can keep the accent so you'll barely notice she's gone.
[chuckles awkwardly.]
Prince Henry, pet me corgi.
Wow.
Um, Ed, have you met our vice principal? Jessica Day.
I'm a big fan of your work and by your work, I mean the child you created.
Not to suggest that it was work making her.
I'm sure it was fun.
I mean I hope it was fun.
Ed, if you're gonna ask me sex advice, please buy me a glass of wine first.
[Jess chuckles.]
[clears throat.]
Anyway, switching gears.
I'd love to discuss the, uh, principal vacancy.
As would I.
N-not now.
Now's not a great time.
I have, um, uh Goodbye.
You beefed it, love.
You beefed it hard.
[blender whirring.]
Is that the Vitalstir 3,000 from my registry? Oh, no, I've had - I've had this forever.
- It came out last year.
Did it? I've had it for a year.
No, I'm just doing what I always do.
Nicky Miller makin', uh, his famous guacamole.
Like I always do.
Nick Miller's famous guacamole.
[blender whirring.]
See ya later.
I'll call you when it's done! - Fine.
- [blender stops.]
It's from your registry.
I bought it, I brought it home but I can't give it to you.
I am freaking out about what to get you.
Well, Nick why don't you just give us this blender that's on the list of stuff that I want? Because I feel trapped by this registry.
It's a list made by robots.
Nick, not everything is robots! Winston puts one walkie-talkie into a mailbox ROBOTIC VOICE: Thank you for your letter.
Yum! [laughing quietly.]
I just you guys are like my family.
I want to get you something great.
Something unique, personal.
Oh, Nick.
And while you clearly don't understand what a registry is [sighs.]
I appreciate the sentiment.
Nick I don't say this lightly - I release you from the registry.
- Great.
Buy us a gift of your choosing.
What-what I want to get you.
Whatever you want.
The world is yours.
Fly, my little hummingbird.
'Cause I can get you anything.
Oh this was a double-edged coin.
WINSTON: Excuse me? Can you tell me where I can find my son's cubby? Winston! What are you doing here? And before you answer that question, get out of here! Winston? Can't you read? You said I couldn't do it, but I did it.
I am deep undercover right now.
No one's gonna believe you're a parent here.
ED: Jimmy-dubs! - Where'd you go? - I needed a refill on the java, E-dawg.
- [chuckles.]
- JESS: Oh, my goodness! I see you've already met and also, already have '90s hip-hop nicknames for each other.
Genevieve, this is James Wonder.
- Hey.
- A potential new dad.
He's a landscape architect.
- Oh.
- And father of Asher.
And husband of? I I'm a widower.
Oh, oh Yeah.
Yeah, she, um she got squished.
- Squished? - Mm-hmm.
Did she? Did she? Okay, James.
Uh, let's leave now so I can show you the school's landscaping.
ED: Wait, actually, I have a stubborn back yard.
Uh, I don't want to bring in frogs, but if I could attract frogs Very common situation in our business.
- You need a well.
- A well? Oh.
Well, you need to let me buy you a bottle of wine - and pick your brain about all this.
- [laughs.]
That sounds good, E-dawg.
We should But but right now, - I should get going.
- Yeah.
I got a butt load of koi fish in the back of my truck that need bonding.
Please, let me show you out.
Take my hand.
Oh, God.
Did I say breast? I meant I meant hand.
JESS: Uh, hey.
Hey, Ed.
I'd love to circle back around to that principal conversation.
Let me just stop you there, Miss Day.
Um, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I think I speak for every parent at Banyon Canyon when I say, you're just not a good fit.
Wh-what? I am a perfect fit.
I have my reasons.
[chuckles.]
Excuse me, I have, uh [smacks lips.]
Good-bye.
I'm making this for Genevieve.
I'm I gotta convince her to make my case to Ed.
My man, Ed.
Listen Jess, I could go ahead and give him a call if you like.
All you have to do is say the word.
No, no, no, no.
This is no country for James Wonder.
I'm not having you go undercover at school again.
No offense, but you kind of fell out of your dress when Genevieve came on to you.
I did get rattled.
I have a girlfriend, and I adore Ally.
But everything else I'm doing seems to be working because Ed loves me.
You know, he wants James to landscape his yard.
So I drew him four sketches.
Wow.
Winston, these are actually really good.
I don't remember drawing these.
I woke up this morning, and they were under my pillow.
[groans.]
- Hey, Nick - Would you be interested in rubble from old Yankee Stadium? What, for my rubble collection? I'm having a really hard time finding something for you.
I thought I was just gonna go on the Internet, but the Internet is so different now.
Have you been on the Internet lately? - How drunk are you? - I remember when the Internet used to just be a naked lady and a bunch of dancing hamsters.
How drunk are you, Nick? I literally haven't had one thing to drink.
- How many drinks have you had? - Give me a breathalyzer.
- It feels like you're drunk.
- Z-Y-X-N-L-P-A.
- You're hammered.
- I'm drunk.
Nick, whatever you get us, we're going to love.
It it doesn't matter.
I don't know what to get you, - and it matters, it matters! - It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter! Just get us something! [shouting.]
: There's a registry.
You go on it, and you pick something! - Now you've got Schmidt all cranked up.
- You're cranked up? Yeah, I got to go to the arcade now and blow off steam! I didn't mean to crank you up.
- Hey, Cece.
- Hey, hey.
I don't know what to do.
I want to get you something great, but I can't find anything on the Internet.
Here's the truth.
I'd give you my heart.
I'd rip it out of my chest but but then I would literally die.
But you know that, you're studying to be a nurse.
- No, I'm not.
- You're already a nurse? - Not a nurse.
- But you went to college didn't you? Why didn't you just give us the Vitalstir? Because then it would just end up in a landfill in a year when they come out with a Vitalstir 3001.
Well, I imagine they'd go to 4000.
Do you think that they have made 3,000 different Vitalstir models? Do you really think they've perfected this blender in four tries? You're not a nurse.
[laughs.]
Look, I know what you're struggling with right now, okay? You want to get us something that's unique.
It's got to be great.
It's got to be from me to you.
Alright, here's a little exercise close your eyes.
Now, first thing that comes to your mind.
Imagine something that is unique, it's permanent.
I got it! Okay, you got to open your eyes before you go, you drunk.
Let me give you the, uh, keys so you can close up.
Oh, no.
I put two hands in at the same time again.
[straining.]
I did it again.
I can't find this James Wonder anywhere.
I just wanted to say hi, and I want to send him a password-protected video I thought he might enjoy.
Well, I just brought you a little gift.
I know what you're doing.
Jess, I have told you I can't afford to get involved in school politics.
Please, Genevieve.
I'm begging you.
There's no delicate way to say this so I'm going to be incredibly cruel.
They don't like you.
- At all.
- Ow.
- They despise you.
- All right.
I got it.
- "Get rid of Jess.
" - Yikes.
These aren't my words, Jess.
I'm just repeating what I'm hearing.
"Jess is the worst.
" - Okay.
- "Can't stand the sight of her.
" - Don't need all of it.
- Do you understand what I am saying? - Yeah.
- They've asked me to move on with my search.
- Wait a minute.
- Huh? Would you talk me up to Ed if I could tell you where he was having dinner? With James Wonder? Winston.
You need to say the words, Jess.
I need your help.
I need your help, who? I need your help, James Wonder.
Well, then, my help you shall have.
What'd he say? Is he going to help? Here is your mission.
You're going too down to Brickfield and you're going to facilitate a conversation about me - with Ed - My man.
- and Genevieve.
- I'm out.
Please, Winst - James Wonder.
- She wants to have sex with me.
I know you love Ally, but James Wonder is still grieving.
Lean into the character.
This is your chance to prove that you can do undercover work.
Please? All right, I'll do it.
Under one condition.
That I - No, I don't have any conditions.
- Okay.
I design all the landscaping, and my crew my crew, they do all the dirty work.
If you were my boss I would be employee of the month every single day.
WINSTON [over phone speaker.]
: All right then.
Oh, jeez, Genevieve, stop flirting, get to me! Are you shouting at a podcast again, Jess? You know it can't hear you, right? Shh! Speaking of bosses, Ms.
Day has done some amazing work.
- Strong disagree.
- Uh, what is your ish with her? She sets our kids up for failure.
What?! ED: This ridiculous math decathlon ugh! It is competitive and demeaning.
It is hard enough out there for these kids.
Affluent children in Los Angeles do have it hard.
Exactly.
Samanthia bombed that dumb thing, never got a medal, and now she's lost her appetite for soosh! That's what he's mad at? My version of the demathlon is way less rigorous than the South Korean teacher I copied it from.
Either bring the phone over here where we can hear it, or stop talking to it.
He's saying that unless I drop the demathlon, I'll never be principal.
GENEVIEVE: James.
I am trouble after two glasses.
So why don't you pour me a third? [laughing heartily.]
[nervous chuckle.]
- Do it.
Do it.
Do it.
Do it.
- Okay.
Mm-hmm.
O-okay.
- Do it.
Do it! - Okay.
Okay.
[laughing.]
Stop it! Stop it! I'm going to get crazy.
You're making me crazy.
I did it.
Best present ever.
Please.
I'm trying to eavesdrop on Winston's alter ego.
[chuckling.]
Oh - GENEVIEVE: James.
- Hmm? - You seem troubled.
- No, I don't.
You must be holding a lot of sadness in your legs.
I have hands like a bonobo strong.
Oh, wow.
[nervous chuckle.]
There we go.
- Ooh.
Very good.
- Aah! Ow! Now, no! I have a girlfriend.
- Her name is Ally.
- No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Wasn't your wife recently squished? Yeah.
That-that happened.
She was indeed But then, we cremated her.
And we, we, we had to dry her out first.
Ugh.
He's scrambling like a damn egg! - I got to get in there.
- Wait, you got to see my gift! Who are you, James Wonder? [chuckles.]
I'm just a a combination of my two favorite singers.
I'm about to gift your brains to pieces.
You got to real pull-the-rip-cord-while- still-in-the-plane kind of vibe, Nick.
It's a little something from me to you.
- All right.
- Or, more accurately, on me.
[laughing.]
Check it out.
I got the best gift.
It is your faces, but it's not your bodies.
- I didn't have a full body shot so - Wow! they picked the bodies.
- SCHMIDT: Is that Pretty Woman? - This is from the movie Pretty Woman and it's on me forever.
[laughs.]
Say something.
[nervous chuckle.]
Say something.
It-it's cute, it's really cute.
I really did it.
Talk to me about how happy you are.
It's on me forever.
SCHMIDT: I know we're on you forever and ever, until you're buried in a non-Jewish cemetery.
CECE: And now we-we owe you a a thank you card.
Just don't know where I'm gonna find the words to express all of the emotions that I'm feeling right now.
[laughs.]
I can't find anything about you online, James.
Not even the darknet.
Oh, I was gonna say, you checked the darknet, yeah? I'm usually on there, they usually got some stuff about me.
Hey! WINSTON: Oh, thank God.
Jess ica Day.
I can't believe you guys are all at my favorite restaurant.
Hey, does anyone have a red landscaping truck? 'Cause it's getting towed.
Anyone? Red landscaping truck? - No, mine's white.
- [clears throat.]
Well, it could be white.
It's getting towed.
I-I did take the red one today.
Yeah, can't let that get towed.
- My crew is napping in the back.
- Yup.
Well [chuckling.]
: Hey.
- This is an unexpected treat.
- Well, I'm happy to have ran into you because, um I've been thinking, and I'm canceling the demathlon.
- Really? - Yeah.
But I thought you loved the math decathlon? It's a holdover from my old public school days.
It's unnecessarily competitive.
Old habits die hard.
That's true, you know, I still eat a ton of meat and I've been vegetarian for years.
Like, a ton.
A ton of meat.
I mean, I didn't realize you were so amenable.
Hey, actually, Samanthia loves puppets.
What would you say if I asked you to introduce ventriloquism into the curriculum? And do less math? I'd say [in puppet voice.]
: You got it! [clears throat.]
Great.
[both chuckle.]
"Sincerely"? "Sincerely"? "Dear Nick, thanks for the tattoo.
"Sincerely, S and Cece.
" You guys hate my gift? No, we don't hate it, we love it, I see it every time I blink.
You guys want to see it? - It's okay.
- Ah, I'll show it anyhow.
Check it out.
There's an ingrown hair that gives Cece a bit of a Rudolph nose.
And when I flex my feet it makes you guys fatter.
Look.
Fat, look how fat your face looks, Schmidt.
[laughs.]
You have the fattest face in the world.
All right, stop it! Stop the horror! We hate the gift.
- It's disgusting.
- It is disgusting.
You've ruined your leg.
It is like you stole our souls.
You depicted my wife as a common street whore.
Fine, you don't want it? You can't have it.
I'll get it removed and we can go about our lives again in a week.
You know it costs, like, two grand and takes a year or something, right? Well, I did not know that.
Okay? I didn't know that.
Well, that really sucks for me.
But fine, then that's your present.
That's not a present.
Look Nick, I appreciate you trying to do something meaningful for us, but just give us the blender you bought.
Well, the jokes on you, I burnt out the motor making a bubble gum smoothie.
You're back on the registry then.
I won't do it! It's a list made by robots.
Idiot! Trying to get me something meaningful! The only thing meaningful to me is the blender! Remember to bring your pets to school next week for human zoo day.
Yeah.
Oh, and I'd also like to let everyone know that we are switching back from this soap to this soap, okay? So just be aware.
Next, I would like to offer my personal endorsement of Jessica Day as our next principal.
[applause.]
All right, well, first, I'd love to open up the floor to questions.
Anybody? Oh, wow, okay.
Can you get rid of the white lines in the parking lot? - They're very restrictive.
- I think they're for MAN 2: Shouldn't we designate the green space for European-style football? WOMAN: And for Tofu Tuesday, can we get a more balanced juice pairing? Didn't think I'd ever see you again.
I came to say goodbye.
Asher and I are moving to Colorado.
- Is that where Ally lives? - No.
The city of Denver wants me to landscape an entire mountain.
- It's a whole thing.
- MAN 1: How about once a week in the dining hall we serve sushi omakase? - Oh, oh, okay.
- ED: Guys, uh, plenty of time to run our suggestions by her.
But I assure you she will be very amenable.
She is a principal for the parents.
Hmm? Uh, actually, um, no.
I-I have to be honest here.
I That's not who I am.
I'm not gonna be a principal for the parents.
[parents murmur.]
I'm gonna be a principal for the kids.
Look, you all love your kids and they're yours to raise, but I'm an educator and I know how to educate.
Colby, your son Vince had the handwriting - of a Hungarian doctor.
- Mm-hmm.
And that's why I encouraged him to sign up for calligraphy comics after school.
He didn't want to do it, but look at him now.
I can finally read the captions for his disturbing images.
And Molly, do you remember how terrified Beatrice was of public speaking in the second grade? That's why I bumped her up to fourth grade debate team.
Yeah, she made a toast at my brother's wedding.
I mean, besides one racist joke, she killed.
Ed, when I met Samanthia, math was her least favorite subject.
Now she's doing fractions and loving it.
And yeah, she's didn't win a demathlon medal and I know that stung, but it made her want to get better.
And isn't that what school is for? Look, I think challenging your children prepares them for the real world.
And if given the chance, I think I can help your kids and this school reach its full potential.
And if that's not what you want, and I'm not the right fit, then I can live with that.
[applause.]
Genevieve, I got you something.
Something to remember me by.
Oh.
Shouldn't this be in a pot? Oh, Genevieve.
You don't know anything.
[chuckles.]
- I'm so glad I'm doing this.
- [tattoo machine buzzing.]
You know, it was weird this morning in the shower just me and tattoo you.
I was the only one who was naked You know, we could loan you the money to remove it.
I don't like debts.
[groaning.]
All finished, guys.
Glad we all talked ourselves into thinking that this somehow makes the nightmare better.
Nick, I just want to say - I really think - I'm not getting a damn cat on my leg.
Drop it.
- SCHMIDT: That porpoise porn? - Yeah.
"Best, comma, Cece and Schimdt.
" All we're gonna give her is a "Best, comma"? Come on, she's my mom's sister.
Well, she should have stuck to the registry.
You know who hasn't even gotten us a present yet? - I have a year.
- He has a year.
- I have a year! - [door closes.]
All right, everyone.
Report to the principal's office, where I will be sitting behind the desk because I might be principal! - Congrats! - That's great! What do you mean, could be principal? Well, I just had a very interesting talk with my boss, Genevieve.
Jess, - I am dying.
- What? Oh, my God! Dying to leave Banyon Canyon and launch my own elementary school at sea.
Oh.
You scared the bejesus out of me.
I've wanted this forever and I came so close at my last school.
Like, champagne and Prosecco close.
So, if you find marijuana in a locker, it's yours now.
Ours now.
It could just be part of the loft.
We could just put it in a Congratulations.
You just got yourself two weeks detention, Mr.
Miller.
What? But I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything! [sighs.]
Principal, that's great.
I'm really proud of you.
And now you're almost gonna make what normal people make.
But I'm not even in it for the cabbage.
I want to change lives.
And finally, I can implement some of my programs school-wide, like the math decathlon the demathlon.
A-ha! [Winston laughing.]
You see this whole time, y'all thought you were having breakfast with Winston, but it turns out y'all been sitting with James Wonder.
I'm talking about my alias.
See, I'm thinking about applying for undercover work.
That sounds incredibly dangerous.
Well, not if I go deep enough into my undercover character.
I've been practicing on y'all unknowin' asses.
I combined the names of my favorite singers Stevie Wonder and James Blunt.
And I put those together to create a different name as my alias, James Wonder.
I'm worried you're not the undercover type of guy.
I feel like if you had the ability to pretend to be someone else, you would have made that decision a long time ago.
I feel like that sounded harsh, but it's only 'cause I care about you.
JESS: I love Parents' Day! Matching names to e-mail addresses, puttin' big people in little chairs.
Admiring all that sweet daddy derriere.
- Yeah, I'm not doing that.
- Good.
More for me.
Ooh.
That is Ed Warner.
President of the parent's council.
You're gonna need his vote if you want to become principal, so - Okay, did you talk me up? - Absolutely not.
School politics gets messy and as my grandmother used to say, "You don't get dirty till after 6:30.
" Piece of cake.
Parents love me.
Ed! Oh, are-are you okay? [chuckling.]
: Sorry, I was, uh, moved to tears by the second grader's self-portraits.
I cannot believe you are gonna abandon us next year.
- Oh - I'm like, "Ah, don't go!" [imitating Genevieve.]
: I can keep the accent so you'll barely notice she's gone.
[chuckles awkwardly.]
Prince Henry, pet me corgi.
Wow.
Um, Ed, have you met our vice principal? Jessica Day.
I'm a big fan of your work and by your work, I mean the child you created.
Not to suggest that it was work making her.
I'm sure it was fun.
I mean I hope it was fun.
Ed, if you're gonna ask me sex advice, please buy me a glass of wine first.
[Jess chuckles.]
[clears throat.]
Anyway, switching gears.
I'd love to discuss the, uh, principal vacancy.
As would I.
N-not now.
Now's not a great time.
I have, um, uh Goodbye.
You beefed it, love.
You beefed it hard.
[blender whirring.]
Is that the Vitalstir 3,000 from my registry? Oh, no, I've had - I've had this forever.
- It came out last year.
Did it? I've had it for a year.
No, I'm just doing what I always do.
Nicky Miller makin', uh, his famous guacamole.
Like I always do.
Nick Miller's famous guacamole.
[blender whirring.]
See ya later.
I'll call you when it's done! - Fine.
- [blender stops.]
It's from your registry.
I bought it, I brought it home but I can't give it to you.
I am freaking out about what to get you.
Well, Nick why don't you just give us this blender that's on the list of stuff that I want? Because I feel trapped by this registry.
It's a list made by robots.
Nick, not everything is robots! Winston puts one walkie-talkie into a mailbox ROBOTIC VOICE: Thank you for your letter.
Yum! [laughing quietly.]
I just you guys are like my family.
I want to get you something great.
Something unique, personal.
Oh, Nick.
And while you clearly don't understand what a registry is [sighs.]
I appreciate the sentiment.
Nick I don't say this lightly - I release you from the registry.
- Great.
Buy us a gift of your choosing.
What-what I want to get you.
Whatever you want.
The world is yours.
Fly, my little hummingbird.
'Cause I can get you anything.
Oh this was a double-edged coin.
WINSTON: Excuse me? Can you tell me where I can find my son's cubby? Winston! What are you doing here? And before you answer that question, get out of here! Winston? Can't you read? You said I couldn't do it, but I did it.
I am deep undercover right now.
No one's gonna believe you're a parent here.
ED: Jimmy-dubs! - Where'd you go? - I needed a refill on the java, E-dawg.
- [chuckles.]
- JESS: Oh, my goodness! I see you've already met and also, already have '90s hip-hop nicknames for each other.
Genevieve, this is James Wonder.
- Hey.
- A potential new dad.
He's a landscape architect.
- Oh.
- And father of Asher.
And husband of? I I'm a widower.
Oh, oh Yeah.
Yeah, she, um she got squished.
- Squished? - Mm-hmm.
Did she? Did she? Okay, James.
Uh, let's leave now so I can show you the school's landscaping.
ED: Wait, actually, I have a stubborn back yard.
Uh, I don't want to bring in frogs, but if I could attract frogs Very common situation in our business.
- You need a well.
- A well? Oh.
Well, you need to let me buy you a bottle of wine - and pick your brain about all this.
- [laughs.]
That sounds good, E-dawg.
We should But but right now, - I should get going.
- Yeah.
I got a butt load of koi fish in the back of my truck that need bonding.
Please, let me show you out.
Take my hand.
Oh, God.
Did I say breast? I meant I meant hand.
JESS: Uh, hey.
Hey, Ed.
I'd love to circle back around to that principal conversation.
Let me just stop you there, Miss Day.
Um, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I think I speak for every parent at Banyon Canyon when I say, you're just not a good fit.
Wh-what? I am a perfect fit.
I have my reasons.
[chuckles.]
Excuse me, I have, uh [smacks lips.]
Good-bye.
I'm making this for Genevieve.
I'm I gotta convince her to make my case to Ed.
My man, Ed.
Listen Jess, I could go ahead and give him a call if you like.
All you have to do is say the word.
No, no, no, no.
This is no country for James Wonder.
I'm not having you go undercover at school again.
No offense, but you kind of fell out of your dress when Genevieve came on to you.
I did get rattled.
I have a girlfriend, and I adore Ally.
But everything else I'm doing seems to be working because Ed loves me.
You know, he wants James to landscape his yard.
So I drew him four sketches.
Wow.
Winston, these are actually really good.
I don't remember drawing these.
I woke up this morning, and they were under my pillow.
[groans.]
- Hey, Nick - Would you be interested in rubble from old Yankee Stadium? What, for my rubble collection? I'm having a really hard time finding something for you.
I thought I was just gonna go on the Internet, but the Internet is so different now.
Have you been on the Internet lately? - How drunk are you? - I remember when the Internet used to just be a naked lady and a bunch of dancing hamsters.
How drunk are you, Nick? I literally haven't had one thing to drink.
- How many drinks have you had? - Give me a breathalyzer.
- It feels like you're drunk.
- Z-Y-X-N-L-P-A.
- You're hammered.
- I'm drunk.
Nick, whatever you get us, we're going to love.
It it doesn't matter.
I don't know what to get you, - and it matters, it matters! - It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter! Just get us something! [shouting.]
: There's a registry.
You go on it, and you pick something! - Now you've got Schmidt all cranked up.
- You're cranked up? Yeah, I got to go to the arcade now and blow off steam! I didn't mean to crank you up.
- Hey, Cece.
- Hey, hey.
I don't know what to do.
I want to get you something great, but I can't find anything on the Internet.
Here's the truth.
I'd give you my heart.
I'd rip it out of my chest but but then I would literally die.
But you know that, you're studying to be a nurse.
- No, I'm not.
- You're already a nurse? - Not a nurse.
- But you went to college didn't you? Why didn't you just give us the Vitalstir? Because then it would just end up in a landfill in a year when they come out with a Vitalstir 3001.
Well, I imagine they'd go to 4000.
Do you think that they have made 3,000 different Vitalstir models? Do you really think they've perfected this blender in four tries? You're not a nurse.
[laughs.]
Look, I know what you're struggling with right now, okay? You want to get us something that's unique.
It's got to be great.
It's got to be from me to you.
Alright, here's a little exercise close your eyes.
Now, first thing that comes to your mind.
Imagine something that is unique, it's permanent.
I got it! Okay, you got to open your eyes before you go, you drunk.
Let me give you the, uh, keys so you can close up.
Oh, no.
I put two hands in at the same time again.
[straining.]
I did it again.
I can't find this James Wonder anywhere.
I just wanted to say hi, and I want to send him a password-protected video I thought he might enjoy.
Well, I just brought you a little gift.
I know what you're doing.
Jess, I have told you I can't afford to get involved in school politics.
Please, Genevieve.
I'm begging you.
There's no delicate way to say this so I'm going to be incredibly cruel.
They don't like you.
- At all.
- Ow.
- They despise you.
- All right.
I got it.
- "Get rid of Jess.
" - Yikes.
These aren't my words, Jess.
I'm just repeating what I'm hearing.
"Jess is the worst.
" - Okay.
- "Can't stand the sight of her.
" - Don't need all of it.
- Do you understand what I am saying? - Yeah.
- They've asked me to move on with my search.
- Wait a minute.
- Huh? Would you talk me up to Ed if I could tell you where he was having dinner? With James Wonder? Winston.
You need to say the words, Jess.
I need your help.
I need your help, who? I need your help, James Wonder.
Well, then, my help you shall have.
What'd he say? Is he going to help? Here is your mission.
You're going too down to Brickfield and you're going to facilitate a conversation about me - with Ed - My man.
- and Genevieve.
- I'm out.
Please, Winst - James Wonder.
- She wants to have sex with me.
I know you love Ally, but James Wonder is still grieving.
Lean into the character.
This is your chance to prove that you can do undercover work.
Please? All right, I'll do it.
Under one condition.
That I - No, I don't have any conditions.
- Okay.
I design all the landscaping, and my crew my crew, they do all the dirty work.
If you were my boss I would be employee of the month every single day.
WINSTON [over phone speaker.]
: All right then.
Oh, jeez, Genevieve, stop flirting, get to me! Are you shouting at a podcast again, Jess? You know it can't hear you, right? Shh! Speaking of bosses, Ms.
Day has done some amazing work.
- Strong disagree.
- Uh, what is your ish with her? She sets our kids up for failure.
What?! ED: This ridiculous math decathlon ugh! It is competitive and demeaning.
It is hard enough out there for these kids.
Affluent children in Los Angeles do have it hard.
Exactly.
Samanthia bombed that dumb thing, never got a medal, and now she's lost her appetite for soosh! That's what he's mad at? My version of the demathlon is way less rigorous than the South Korean teacher I copied it from.
Either bring the phone over here where we can hear it, or stop talking to it.
He's saying that unless I drop the demathlon, I'll never be principal.
GENEVIEVE: James.
I am trouble after two glasses.
So why don't you pour me a third? [laughing heartily.]
[nervous chuckle.]
- Do it.
Do it.
Do it.
Do it.
- Okay.
Mm-hmm.
O-okay.
- Do it.
Do it! - Okay.
Okay.
[laughing.]
Stop it! Stop it! I'm going to get crazy.
You're making me crazy.
I did it.
Best present ever.
Please.
I'm trying to eavesdrop on Winston's alter ego.
[chuckling.]
Oh - GENEVIEVE: James.
- Hmm? - You seem troubled.
- No, I don't.
You must be holding a lot of sadness in your legs.
I have hands like a bonobo strong.
Oh, wow.
[nervous chuckle.]
There we go.
- Ooh.
Very good.
- Aah! Ow! Now, no! I have a girlfriend.
- Her name is Ally.
- No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Wasn't your wife recently squished? Yeah.
That-that happened.
She was indeed But then, we cremated her.
And we, we, we had to dry her out first.
Ugh.
He's scrambling like a damn egg! - I got to get in there.
- Wait, you got to see my gift! Who are you, James Wonder? [chuckles.]
I'm just a a combination of my two favorite singers.
I'm about to gift your brains to pieces.
You got to real pull-the-rip-cord-while- still-in-the-plane kind of vibe, Nick.
It's a little something from me to you.
- All right.
- Or, more accurately, on me.
[laughing.]
Check it out.
I got the best gift.
It is your faces, but it's not your bodies.
- I didn't have a full body shot so - Wow! they picked the bodies.
- SCHMIDT: Is that Pretty Woman? - This is from the movie Pretty Woman and it's on me forever.
[laughs.]
Say something.
[nervous chuckle.]
Say something.
It-it's cute, it's really cute.
I really did it.
Talk to me about how happy you are.
It's on me forever.
SCHMIDT: I know we're on you forever and ever, until you're buried in a non-Jewish cemetery.
CECE: And now we-we owe you a a thank you card.
Just don't know where I'm gonna find the words to express all of the emotions that I'm feeling right now.
[laughs.]
I can't find anything about you online, James.
Not even the darknet.
Oh, I was gonna say, you checked the darknet, yeah? I'm usually on there, they usually got some stuff about me.
Hey! WINSTON: Oh, thank God.
Jess ica Day.
I can't believe you guys are all at my favorite restaurant.
Hey, does anyone have a red landscaping truck? 'Cause it's getting towed.
Anyone? Red landscaping truck? - No, mine's white.
- [clears throat.]
Well, it could be white.
It's getting towed.
I-I did take the red one today.
Yeah, can't let that get towed.
- My crew is napping in the back.
- Yup.
Well [chuckling.]
: Hey.
- This is an unexpected treat.
- Well, I'm happy to have ran into you because, um I've been thinking, and I'm canceling the demathlon.
- Really? - Yeah.
But I thought you loved the math decathlon? It's a holdover from my old public school days.
It's unnecessarily competitive.
Old habits die hard.
That's true, you know, I still eat a ton of meat and I've been vegetarian for years.
Like, a ton.
A ton of meat.
I mean, I didn't realize you were so amenable.
Hey, actually, Samanthia loves puppets.
What would you say if I asked you to introduce ventriloquism into the curriculum? And do less math? I'd say [in puppet voice.]
: You got it! [clears throat.]
Great.
[both chuckle.]
"Sincerely"? "Sincerely"? "Dear Nick, thanks for the tattoo.
"Sincerely, S and Cece.
" You guys hate my gift? No, we don't hate it, we love it, I see it every time I blink.
You guys want to see it? - It's okay.
- Ah, I'll show it anyhow.
Check it out.
There's an ingrown hair that gives Cece a bit of a Rudolph nose.
And when I flex my feet it makes you guys fatter.
Look.
Fat, look how fat your face looks, Schmidt.
[laughs.]
You have the fattest face in the world.
All right, stop it! Stop the horror! We hate the gift.
- It's disgusting.
- It is disgusting.
You've ruined your leg.
It is like you stole our souls.
You depicted my wife as a common street whore.
Fine, you don't want it? You can't have it.
I'll get it removed and we can go about our lives again in a week.
You know it costs, like, two grand and takes a year or something, right? Well, I did not know that.
Okay? I didn't know that.
Well, that really sucks for me.
But fine, then that's your present.
That's not a present.
Look Nick, I appreciate you trying to do something meaningful for us, but just give us the blender you bought.
Well, the jokes on you, I burnt out the motor making a bubble gum smoothie.
You're back on the registry then.
I won't do it! It's a list made by robots.
Idiot! Trying to get me something meaningful! The only thing meaningful to me is the blender! Remember to bring your pets to school next week for human zoo day.
Yeah.
Oh, and I'd also like to let everyone know that we are switching back from this soap to this soap, okay? So just be aware.
Next, I would like to offer my personal endorsement of Jessica Day as our next principal.
[applause.]
All right, well, first, I'd love to open up the floor to questions.
Anybody? Oh, wow, okay.
Can you get rid of the white lines in the parking lot? - They're very restrictive.
- I think they're for MAN 2: Shouldn't we designate the green space for European-style football? WOMAN: And for Tofu Tuesday, can we get a more balanced juice pairing? Didn't think I'd ever see you again.
I came to say goodbye.
Asher and I are moving to Colorado.
- Is that where Ally lives? - No.
The city of Denver wants me to landscape an entire mountain.
- It's a whole thing.
- MAN 1: How about once a week in the dining hall we serve sushi omakase? - Oh, oh, okay.
- ED: Guys, uh, plenty of time to run our suggestions by her.
But I assure you she will be very amenable.
She is a principal for the parents.
Hmm? Uh, actually, um, no.
I-I have to be honest here.
I That's not who I am.
I'm not gonna be a principal for the parents.
[parents murmur.]
I'm gonna be a principal for the kids.
Look, you all love your kids and they're yours to raise, but I'm an educator and I know how to educate.
Colby, your son Vince had the handwriting - of a Hungarian doctor.
- Mm-hmm.
And that's why I encouraged him to sign up for calligraphy comics after school.
He didn't want to do it, but look at him now.
I can finally read the captions for his disturbing images.
And Molly, do you remember how terrified Beatrice was of public speaking in the second grade? That's why I bumped her up to fourth grade debate team.
Yeah, she made a toast at my brother's wedding.
I mean, besides one racist joke, she killed.
Ed, when I met Samanthia, math was her least favorite subject.
Now she's doing fractions and loving it.
And yeah, she's didn't win a demathlon medal and I know that stung, but it made her want to get better.
And isn't that what school is for? Look, I think challenging your children prepares them for the real world.
And if given the chance, I think I can help your kids and this school reach its full potential.
And if that's not what you want, and I'm not the right fit, then I can live with that.
[applause.]
Genevieve, I got you something.
Something to remember me by.
Oh.
Shouldn't this be in a pot? Oh, Genevieve.
You don't know anything.
[chuckles.]
- I'm so glad I'm doing this.
- [tattoo machine buzzing.]
You know, it was weird this morning in the shower just me and tattoo you.
I was the only one who was naked You know, we could loan you the money to remove it.
I don't like debts.
[groaning.]
All finished, guys.
Glad we all talked ourselves into thinking that this somehow makes the nightmare better.
Nick, I just want to say - I really think - I'm not getting a damn cat on my leg.
Drop it.