New Girl s07e02 Episode Script
Tuesday Meeting
1 - (camera shutter clicks) - This one I call "the writer's journey.
" - Stuck between two thoughts.
- Mm-hmm.
Lifelike.
Wow.
- What the? - I'm sorry about that.
- Cooper's my social media director.
- Open your mouth.
- You're the boss.
- COOPER: Nice.
- What magazine is this again? - Teen BeTween the Lines.
- Ma'am, you're in the shot.
- Ma'am, you're in the shot.
- Oh, I'm Okay.
- Still in the shot.
- You're in the shot.
In the shot.
- So Oh.
- Really? I guess this is on me.
- Good.
- I could've gone left or right.
- NICK: Guys, let's take five.
Or as Pepperwood would always say, "Keep your knife dry.
" - #KeepYourKnife - (chuckles) Half that.
- #KeepTheKnifeDry.
- Hashtag.
Oof.
I've got to go meet with my editor.
We're gonna talk about the latest Pepperwood.
Oh, the one you wrote in Europe? He's gonna love it.
(chuckles) Way more than the last book he published, Dede, the Girl with A.
D.
D.
That wouldn't even keep my attention.
- Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.
Burn.
- (laughs) Burn.
You got a lot of edge this morning, sister.
Damn right I do.
I'm a working girl now.
Russell and I are building libraries.
He's got me rolling up my sleeves to make it happen.
(chuckles) Hi, this is Jessica Day from the Schiller Fund.
I'm just calling to make sure this is still the number for a Mr.
Marvin Linklever.
It is? I'll put a check by your name.
When you're done with the "L" s, this is the first batch of "M" s.
Sounds like a lot of busywork.
You cool with that? - I'm leaning toward no.
- (camera shutter clicking) I'm listening.
But at least I have time to have lunch with my girl Cece.
We're celebrating me getting this - glamorous new job.
- WINSTON: Oh, hell yeah.
(whoops) Hey, what's up, guys? What are you doing here? Check this out.
Look what I found.
Three Men and a Little Box Set.
The lady and the baby.
- I got to watch this.
- JESS: Winston.
- Hmm? - How long have you been here? Not long, like, three, four, five hours.
- Something like that.
- You don't live here, man.
I'm doing a slow move.
- (phone ringing) - Oh.
Mm.
Duty calls.
(chuckles) It's Russell.
My boss.
Hey, Russell, what's up? What you got? Oh, big meeting today.
Yeah, I'll, um I'll get some parking cones.
- Ma'am, you're in the shot.
- I am? Yeah, still in the shot.
Still.
Still.
In the shot, in the shot, in the shot, in the shot, - in the shot - Hold on, Russell, I just have to crawl out of my apartment.
In the shot, in the shot, in the shot, in the shot, in the shot, in the shot, in the shot, in the shot, in the shot, in the shot, in the Cece, I was up all night trying to put Ruth to sleep.
I'm losing my mind.
I feel like I'm in the third act of a Darren Aronofsky film.
- Cheers, Daddy! - Yeah, tell me about it.
I'm wiped, too.
I think I put on your underwear this morning.
If I'm being totally honest, I wore your underpants once to a yoga class.
Ruth, do you want to go to sleep? No way.
If you do, I'll write you a check for $6,000.
Checks! Checks! Yay, checks! - That didn't quite go as planned.
- Yay! You know what, all I actually have to do is get to this lunch with Jess.
- Which is gonna be really fun.
- RUTH: Let's play patty-cake.
Sorry to talk about a fun lunch while you're at home.
No, look, we have a kid now.
One of us should be enjoying our lives.
(yawning): Yeah, you're right.
We should enjoy our lives.
Go to your adult lunch.
Eat, drink, and come home and tell me of the world out there.
Remember me to the people.
Cece, - I-I love you.
- (snoring softly) C-Cece? Hello? - Play patty-cake.
- I'm trying.
Nick (chuckles) I don't know where to begin.
I know.
Pepperwood's growing up.
He's becoming transcendent.
Unbearable.
What is this fluff? You've got two chapters of Pepperwood and Jessica Night in bed eating croissants.
They chase a feather down a cobblestone street? He fell in love, Merle.
- And then he was reborn.
- (sighs) And it's sweet when you think about it like that.
Okay, I've seen this a million times.
Your life has changed, and now you've lost his voice.
I can't publish this.
What? What are you saying? Pepperwood's over? Maybe it's run its course.
Maybe it's time to move on to something new.
- You have other ideas, right? - Oh, yeah, a ton of 'em.
- Okay.
All right.
- So many.
- Great.
- In my computer drawer at home.
Well, why don't you come in tomorrow, pitch me your best three, and we'll see what we got.
No.
I want to pitch you my best ten.
(both laugh) I'm gonna pitch you three.
Let's make it three.
That seems (gasps) Hey, girl! Hey, girl! - I love that we are doing this.
- So good to see you! - Celebrating your new job.
- Two hardworking ladies.
Work hard, play hard, work hard, play hard - Work hard, play h - (yawns) Okay.
Let's sit down.
I'm beat.
Ruth was up all night.
Hey, excuse me, young man, could we get two glasses - of Chardonnay? - Chardonnay! - And a pot of coffee.
- We are doing this.
We are doing it! (sighs) So, Ruth is pretty tough, but even if she's not sleeping, at least she's not still potty training.
- Ooh! - (gasps) - What, baby? - It's happening.
Okay.
Here we go.
Here we go.
- SCHMIDT: Occupied! - Why is Daddy still in the bathroom? I don't know, honey.
This'll do.
This is great.
Okay, and (panting) (sighs) That was a close one.
Honestly, I'm just craving some adult time.
Oh.
You're quick with it.
I like that.
Yeah.
We're here to celebrate you.
So, tell me about the job.
You know, it's great.
It's, um, you know, a big office.
Fueling fires.
Making a difference.
Make that money.
I love that.
- (chuckles) - Mm.
Okay.
Mmm.
Honestly, I'm probably gonna quit after lunch.
- What? - Cool if we call this your treat? Right.
Heroin's in the diaper pail, baby wipes are in the cabinet.
Oh, man, she's so lucky to have three dads.
(chuckles) Hey, have you seen this? - Come on, man.
- These three goofballs just hid heroin in the baby's diaper disposal.
- What a ride! - Winston, why are you still here? - Shh! Shh! - To have fun.
Why are you here? (quietly): Keep it down.
Ruth is napping.
In my bed? You put that kid to sleep in Yes, and I changed the sheets.
It's very clear to me what side of the bed you sleep on.
- Busted.
- Ruth hasn't slept in 24 hours, so I drove her around in my car.
She told me she had to pee, so I brought her here.
She nodded off on the toilet.
It was very cute.
Honestly, it reminded me of you.
- That's great - I took 70 pictures.
- But that's - Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Are you guys seeing this? - (groans softly) (chuckles) I just thought of it just now.
Three Men and a Little Lady.
One, two, three.
We should do this movie with Ruth.
Winston, you cannot do a movie.
What is that goon Guttenberg painting on the walls? Words sound weird to me when I'm this tired.
That ever happen to you? Like, Gu-Guttenberg.
Gu - Gu - Gu - Enough, guys! - Gu'enberg.
Merle hated my last draft.
He said Pepperwood is over.
- What? - I'll kill him.
He wants me to pitch new ideas by tomorrow.
You can't tell ideas to a dead man.
Winston, stop! Nobody's killing anybody.
- Okay.
- But the truth is, I do have something new.
And I'd like to pitch it to you guys.
- He's tough.
- Okay.
- He's controversial.
- Ooh-hoo-hoo.
He's pro-choice.
He's Senator Porcupine.
Pass.
Pa-Pass in the room.
- Uh, question for the author.
- No, thank you.
Senator Porcupine how does he put on a tie? Good question.
Ow! - Oh, geez.
- Aah! - (groans) - Aah! - Mm.
Mm.
- I don't know.
With-with his mouth? That's what I'm saying I don't have the answer.
I mean, Pepperwood was all that I had.
Now I've got nothing.
I feel like I'm, like, a wood-maker who can't make any, um - BOTH: Wood.
- Wood! See, I don't have anything! I knew it! I got nothing! (door slams) RUTH: I'm awake! Hey, I think Ruth is awake.
You think, Winston? Wait, so, you're saying that you're doing Russell's busywork? That you, Jessica Day, former principal of an entire school, is doing his busywork? Nah, girl.
Nah, hold up.
One sec.
How's that wine and coffee combination treating you? My heart is beating really fast, but time is moving really slow, - so it all kind of evens out.
- Hmm.
Wait, why are you quitting? He has a couple guys he trusts, and I just get left out of all the major decisions.
- Typical.
- Heads up, you're putting sugar in your wine.
I made a boo-boo.
Let's just No, I made a yum-yum.
- You know what the craziest thing is? - Tell me.
Every Tuesday, he has these lunch meetings with a couple of guys from the office, - and he's never once invited me.
- Babe.
- Yes, babe.
- Every woman has a "Tuesday meeting" they haven't been invited to.
How many times in your life have you been excluded from something important or talked over or ignored because you're the only woman in the room? It was different when I was running my own company, but ever since we joined with GKM, I've had to start dealing with this male-pattern dumbness.
(pumping) MAN: Ugh.
- What is that? - It's a breast pump, Ken.
I said I needed time to pump, and you refused to change the meeting, so here we are.
Now, for the jeans campaign.
Which one of these guys says, "I'm having fun in Toronto"? (pumping continues) So, for half an hour, they had to sit there and watch me get milked like a freaking cow.
Oh, yeah, your nipples looked like pizza bagels in that thing.
Yeah, they do.
You know what? This is not the first time - I've been left out of a Tuesday meeting.
- Mm-hmm.
Remember my first job in administration? The budget's still too high.
You know, I think it might be the number of field trips we've been going on? What about the number of field trips? Yes, exactly.
- Great idea.
- I literally just said that.
I think we're gonna need to take it out of the transportation budget.
Here's a crazy idea.
What if we take it out of the transportation budget? MEN (chanting): Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben! I've been left out of Tuesday meetings - as long as I can remember.
- Yes.
Exactly.
The system is broke, and I can't feel my face.
- Is that a good thing? - I don't know.
Oh, that belongs in the fire.
- Whoa.
- Oh, hey, guys.
What do you got here, buddy? A little room fire? That seems safe.
Oh, don't worry, I got this.
(sniffs) Oh, I should've known that was whiskey.
Oh.
(whoops) Guys, please let me hate myself and everything that I have created.
That's it.
I have to call Merle.
I'm gonna tell him that I've got nothing.
- My career's over.
- (sighs) Pepperwood was all that I had.
I'm done.
- I'm three.
- Everybody knows that, Ruth.
Okay, look, Nick, you're not gonna call Merle.
(yawning): Okay, you're gonna go in there tomorrow, and you're gonna do Wake up, Daddy.
You're gonna do an A-plus, perfect-style job.
Nick, you have a ton of ideas, okay? A lot of i idea notebooks.
- I don't want to hear this.
- WINSTON: Here we go.
Oh, never mind, that's a maze you drew.
Yeah, you drew a maze then couldn't solve it.
You went straight for the wall.
It was a hard maze.
This one is just a list of words that rhyme with "moon.
" But then right away, it's "bun.
" "Moon, spoon, loon, bun"? The heck is this? There was no other words that rhymed with "moon.
" - "Tune"? - That's what I'm saying.
I don't have a Pepperwood was all that I had.
I've got nothing.
You're Mr.
Diarrhea Head.
Please don't say that to me right now.
I'm going through a thing right now, so please don't say that to me.
I'm asking you, please don't call me that.
Okay, Mr.
Diarrhea Head.
No, you're the Diarrhea Head.
Okay? Schmidt, what would you like me to do here? What do you want from me? What am I supposed to do? Uh, you used to love fixing my life.
Before (grunts) came around.
SCHMIDT: It's different times.
I got to wipe her butt.
I got to wipe my butt.
I can't wipe your butt, too.
Can I get in on that? Never mind.
That's it, I'm done.
I'm calling Merle, and I'm telling him I don't have any ideas.
Ruth, honey, will you please watch Uncle Nick while Uncle Winston and I have a conversation? Fine.
Follow me.
I'll follow you if I want to follow you.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
I'm coming.
If anyone's the boss between us, it's me.
- RUTH: I'm the boss.
- (door closes) You know something, I used to think that Nick was the Guttenberg, but it turns out he may be the little lady.
Winston, I need you to focus here.
We have a spiraling man on our hands.
We just need to remind him that he has good ideas.
Do we have any other idea notebooks? Because this is just nonsense.
I read it, and I don't want to be friends with him anymore.
Maybe it doesn't have to be his writing.
- It could be from anything.
- Hmm.
- Just find something.
- You know what, yes.
Yes.
Um Okay.
Here we go.
"All reactionaries are paper tigers.
"In appearance the reactionaries are terrifying, but, in reality, they are not so powerful.
" - That really grabs you.
- Yeah.
- What is that? - It's, uh Mao's Little Red Book.
The Chinese communist manifesto? Yes.
Read that again.
(whispering): "All reactionaries are paper tigers" You know what I don't get? When did I start thinking it was my fault? Is that good? - Mm-hmm.
- Why am I the one who has to quit? Yes! That's right.
You know what? Tell me what day it is.
It's Tuesday.
Tell me where we're going.
To the Tuesday meeting.
The last Tuesday meeting I won't be invited to.
- Mm-hmm.
- Add this to the agenda, you jagbags.
That's right.
I am drunk right now and very awake! Daddy got me this dress.
Well, you know, your dad used to, uh, dress me, too, Ruth.
- Why? - Uh, because he cared.
- Why? - I don't really know, but he did.
- Why? - Before you, I was his baby girl.
WINSTON: Nick.
Look what we just found.
A forgotten masterpiece.
You've got to hear this.
You've still got it.
"All reactionaries are paper tigers.
"In appearance the reactionaries are terrifying, "but in reality, they are not so powerful.
" And that? That's just the beginning.
I mean, I don't remember writing it.
It does sound like something I would write.
Just think about it.
You're always saying stuff like, "In reality, they are not so powerful.
" - In terms of the reactionaries.
- Ha ha! - I wrote that? - Check that out, man.
That's you.
- That's crazy.
- Let me take a peek at that.
You just need to believe in yourself, Nick.
You've still got it.
It's powerful.
It's v-very it's-it's powerful stuff.
Well, I think it's pretty clear.
I'm back, boys.
- Whoa! Shut up! - (Nick laughs) I'm an awesome writer.
- Yeah, you are, man.
- You're v you're v - you're very you're very good.
- You're the best.
If I were a red shoe, where would I hide? - I'm going over here.
Ah.
- Oh, my God.
(laughs) What about back here? No.
(screams) (laughs) You got to be crazy.
(quietly): Turn that down! Ruth is finally asleep.
Also, what are you doing here? Did my wife give you a key? Yeah.
For emergencies.
What is the emergency? If they don't get the little lady back from England - man, they may never see her again.
- Oh, forget it.
If you're gonna watch that, turn on the closed captioning.
If Ruth wakes up again, I'm gonna plotz my pants.
- Oh, Schmidt, are you here? Winston! - Shh! Shh! Shh! Winston Bishop - I'll do it again.
- Shh! SCHMIDT (whispering): Don't do this.
Shh! Please.
Why aren't you writing? I was writing, but I got so inspired by the pages that you found that I drove straight to Merle's office.
"Revolutionary culture "is a powerful revolutionary weapon for the broad masses of the people.
" Hey, w-what do you call this again? - Johnny's Big Day at Work.
- Nice.
I have another title for you.
- Mao's Little Red Book?! - Shh! Please, voices.
- Mao's Little Red Book?! - Voices.
Voices! - You lied.
- Shh.
You lied to me.
Don't look at it as a lie.
- All right.
- Look at it as not a lie, and then and then you're fine.
And now I'm not just a hack with bad ideas, - but I'm a filthy commie! - Shh.
Please! And you know I'm no commie! I don't know your personal beliefs.
- You don't know my personal beliefs? - Enough! Those are fightin' words.
We didn't think that you were gonna give those actual pages to your editor.
We were just trying to inspire you.
Also, why do you own that book? You see a red book, you buy a red book.
- What do you do with blue books? - Don't buy.
- Yellow books? - Wait on it.
- That's true.
- Hi, Daddy.
No.
Good God, child.
Oh my God.
I know what we need to do.
Goodnight, sweetheart, well, my friends are liars SCHMIDT: We were just trying To help you write Guys, you see what we're doing? We're doing Three Men and a Baby.
- Winston, you cannot do a movie.
- Can't do a movie.
Yes, you can.
You can do any movie except for a documentary, because those already happened.
Harmony on three.
One, two, three.
Goodnight I'm not tired.
- Knock-knock, Russell.
- Who's there? - Two women.
- Two women who? - Two women coming in! - Two women coming in who? We went over this, Cece that's not the line.
That's exactly the kind of input we've been talking about.
Russell? We need to talk.
Oh, I'm scared of this energy.
Ya best be.
Ya best be scared.
Is she drunk? Yeah.
On four glasses of Chardonnay and two pots of coffee.
And I'm drunk on rage! Knock-knock, boys.
Open your brain doors.
- Sit down, Cece.
- Okay.
Look, I've let this slide too much in my life, but no more.
You may not want me in this meeting, but I belong here.
- Yeah, I-I'm not sure you do.
- Too late, Russell.
- I'm bustin' in.
- Work hard - Play hard, work hard - Can't keep a good woman down.
- Play hard, work hard - Cece, sit.
- Okay.
- You think just 'cause I'm a woman, I can't bring anything to the table? Well, try me.
'Cause I'm pullin' up a chair, - and I'm gettin' in the game.
- CECE: Ooh.
Okay.
Guys, this is Jessica Day.
Jessica, this is my divorced father support group.
We meet every Tuesday.
Oh, that's why you're crying.
It makes sense now.
(chuckles softly) Divorced fathers? Um, my dad my dad is a divorced father.
Your kids are gonna turn out fine.
Sort of.
There-there might be some rough years.
I like your choice of snacks.
(loud crunching) JESS: Ugh, Russell, I know you're probably mad at me for many reasons.
One you might not know about is that my friend did indeed get sick in the receptionist's desk drawer.
- I just wanted to say - No, I wanted to say that this morning I was ready to quit.
Wait, you're gonna quit? But I decided not to, because I know I can really make a difference for these schools if you will let me.
I know I was wrong about the meeting, but you have to admit, you haven't given me any real work to do.
- That's true.
- Why is that? Do you not think of me as an equal? Because if that's the case, that needs to change.
No, that's not it at all.
Jess, it's just that you're new here, and I've got a lot of trust issues.
Probably from my third wife, Jackie.
In fact, we were just discussing it in the divorced dad Wait, I thought your fourth wife was named Jackie.
I married two women named Jackie.
- Back-to-back? - Yeah.
They were related.
It's complicated.
Look, I got to make this right.
I hired you because I feel like you're exactly the right person to get stuff done around here.
So I guess it's time for me to just let go and let you do that.
You won't regret it.
- All right.
- Also, while we're here talking, we need some tampons in the bathroom.
Are you asleep? No.
Well I give up.
This is my reality.
I'll never sleep again.
Tell me a story, Uncle Nick.
Me? No, no, no.
I don't have any stories, Ruth.
Come on, Nick, you can do it Please? Nick, she asked for a story.
- Why don't you tell her a story? - I thought you wanted - to sleep, Schmidt.
- I don't know how to do that anymore.
I've pushed through.
- My body doesn't know how to sleep.
- All right, fine, Ruth, you want a story? Here's a story.
There was once a magical bear, and he, uh I don't know, walked on a magical tightrope to Seattle.
Have you ever seen a magical bear? - No.
- Is there a tightrope to Seattle? Not that I know of, Ruth.
- Ugh, this is garbage.
- Well, what do you want from me? It's late at night, you asked for a story that's the best that came out.
Weren't you ever little like me, Uncle Nick? Of course I was little like you.
Don't you know anything? I was born on a cold, lonely street on the South Side of Chicago.
As rumor has it, and there's no proof of this, obviously, but I delivered myself.
It was my fifth birthday party, there was a knock at the door.
My father jumped up, gave us all a thumbs-up, gave me a wink, then he jumped out the window, - bounced up, took off running.
- Oh, wow I didn't see him for six months.
My only babysitter at the time was a rollercoaster at a local amusement park.
That and a pack of cigarettes.
(chuckles wryly) Being nine in Chicago is different.
The tree fell, hit the power line, and the power line fell right on the hobo, shocking the hobo back to life.
- That was an amazing moment.
- (whispers): Hey.
I don't know, it made me question the existence of God.
I believed entirely in fate, and it was that same fate that brought me to the woman I love today.
Uh, Nick, go back.
Uh, what happened to the hobo? He stood up, he spun around, he said, "Time to get a job," and he walked away.
- Why don't you write it down, Nick? - About the hobo? - WINSTON: Yeah.
- Yeah, why not? Oh, this is good.
This is really good.
We did it, Schmidt.
(chuckles) (snoring) Schmidt? (continues snoring) (whispers): Oh, my God.
Time to go to bed, my friend.
Yeah, I think the coffee's wearing off.
- I have to thank you so much for today.
- (yawning) Uh-huh.
Even though now I have so much work to do.
Yeah, you're gonna kill it.
It's gonna be great.
I love you.
I do love you.
- Thanks, girl.
- Hey, can I tell you a secret? - Yeah.
- I'm not gonna brush my teeth tonight.
JESS: Ooh, interesting choice.
- Thank you.
- WINSTON: Come on.
You don't want any of this.
Unhand me! I'm not even tired.
- Go to sleep, buddy.
- Yeah, dude, you haven't blinked in three hours.
Come on.
(Schmidt yawns) Cece I love you, but your breath is trash.
It's like a it's like a garbage Dumpster.
Thanks for saying that.
We were all thinking it.
- Yeah.
- Shh, shh, shh.
Time for sleep.
You get one story.
Take it away, Nick.
I call this one Timothy and the Chi-Town Hobo.
- Good night, Schmidt and Cece - "What are you doing in my box? It's time for sleep - Do, do, do, do, do - "growled the hobo - You haven't slept now - "to Timothy, - For over a week - "as a muss of hair and a pair - Do, do, do, do, do - "of young, sad, brown eyes We hate to leave, but you should be - Counting your sheep - "peeked slowly - Oh, good night, Schmidt - "out of a - And Cece, good-night - cardboard box.
" Good night!
" - Stuck between two thoughts.
- Mm-hmm.
Lifelike.
Wow.
- What the? - I'm sorry about that.
- Cooper's my social media director.
- Open your mouth.
- You're the boss.
- COOPER: Nice.
- What magazine is this again? - Teen BeTween the Lines.
- Ma'am, you're in the shot.
- Ma'am, you're in the shot.
- Oh, I'm Okay.
- Still in the shot.
- You're in the shot.
In the shot.
- So Oh.
- Really? I guess this is on me.
- Good.
- I could've gone left or right.
- NICK: Guys, let's take five.
Or as Pepperwood would always say, "Keep your knife dry.
" - #KeepYourKnife - (chuckles) Half that.
- #KeepTheKnifeDry.
- Hashtag.
Oof.
I've got to go meet with my editor.
We're gonna talk about the latest Pepperwood.
Oh, the one you wrote in Europe? He's gonna love it.
(chuckles) Way more than the last book he published, Dede, the Girl with A.
D.
D.
That wouldn't even keep my attention.
- Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.
Burn.
- (laughs) Burn.
You got a lot of edge this morning, sister.
Damn right I do.
I'm a working girl now.
Russell and I are building libraries.
He's got me rolling up my sleeves to make it happen.
(chuckles) Hi, this is Jessica Day from the Schiller Fund.
I'm just calling to make sure this is still the number for a Mr.
Marvin Linklever.
It is? I'll put a check by your name.
When you're done with the "L" s, this is the first batch of "M" s.
Sounds like a lot of busywork.
You cool with that? - I'm leaning toward no.
- (camera shutter clicking) I'm listening.
But at least I have time to have lunch with my girl Cece.
We're celebrating me getting this - glamorous new job.
- WINSTON: Oh, hell yeah.
(whoops) Hey, what's up, guys? What are you doing here? Check this out.
Look what I found.
Three Men and a Little Box Set.
The lady and the baby.
- I got to watch this.
- JESS: Winston.
- Hmm? - How long have you been here? Not long, like, three, four, five hours.
- Something like that.
- You don't live here, man.
I'm doing a slow move.
- (phone ringing) - Oh.
Mm.
Duty calls.
(chuckles) It's Russell.
My boss.
Hey, Russell, what's up? What you got? Oh, big meeting today.
Yeah, I'll, um I'll get some parking cones.
- Ma'am, you're in the shot.
- I am? Yeah, still in the shot.
Still.
Still.
In the shot, in the shot, in the shot, in the shot, - in the shot - Hold on, Russell, I just have to crawl out of my apartment.
In the shot, in the shot, in the shot, in the shot, in the shot, in the shot, in the shot, in the shot, in the shot, in the shot, in the Cece, I was up all night trying to put Ruth to sleep.
I'm losing my mind.
I feel like I'm in the third act of a Darren Aronofsky film.
- Cheers, Daddy! - Yeah, tell me about it.
I'm wiped, too.
I think I put on your underwear this morning.
If I'm being totally honest, I wore your underpants once to a yoga class.
Ruth, do you want to go to sleep? No way.
If you do, I'll write you a check for $6,000.
Checks! Checks! Yay, checks! - That didn't quite go as planned.
- Yay! You know what, all I actually have to do is get to this lunch with Jess.
- Which is gonna be really fun.
- RUTH: Let's play patty-cake.
Sorry to talk about a fun lunch while you're at home.
No, look, we have a kid now.
One of us should be enjoying our lives.
(yawning): Yeah, you're right.
We should enjoy our lives.
Go to your adult lunch.
Eat, drink, and come home and tell me of the world out there.
Remember me to the people.
Cece, - I-I love you.
- (snoring softly) C-Cece? Hello? - Play patty-cake.
- I'm trying.
Nick (chuckles) I don't know where to begin.
I know.
Pepperwood's growing up.
He's becoming transcendent.
Unbearable.
What is this fluff? You've got two chapters of Pepperwood and Jessica Night in bed eating croissants.
They chase a feather down a cobblestone street? He fell in love, Merle.
- And then he was reborn.
- (sighs) And it's sweet when you think about it like that.
Okay, I've seen this a million times.
Your life has changed, and now you've lost his voice.
I can't publish this.
What? What are you saying? Pepperwood's over? Maybe it's run its course.
Maybe it's time to move on to something new.
- You have other ideas, right? - Oh, yeah, a ton of 'em.
- Okay.
All right.
- So many.
- Great.
- In my computer drawer at home.
Well, why don't you come in tomorrow, pitch me your best three, and we'll see what we got.
No.
I want to pitch you my best ten.
(both laugh) I'm gonna pitch you three.
Let's make it three.
That seems (gasps) Hey, girl! Hey, girl! - I love that we are doing this.
- So good to see you! - Celebrating your new job.
- Two hardworking ladies.
Work hard, play hard, work hard, play hard - Work hard, play h - (yawns) Okay.
Let's sit down.
I'm beat.
Ruth was up all night.
Hey, excuse me, young man, could we get two glasses - of Chardonnay? - Chardonnay! - And a pot of coffee.
- We are doing this.
We are doing it! (sighs) So, Ruth is pretty tough, but even if she's not sleeping, at least she's not still potty training.
- Ooh! - (gasps) - What, baby? - It's happening.
Okay.
Here we go.
Here we go.
- SCHMIDT: Occupied! - Why is Daddy still in the bathroom? I don't know, honey.
This'll do.
This is great.
Okay, and (panting) (sighs) That was a close one.
Honestly, I'm just craving some adult time.
Oh.
You're quick with it.
I like that.
Yeah.
We're here to celebrate you.
So, tell me about the job.
You know, it's great.
It's, um, you know, a big office.
Fueling fires.
Making a difference.
Make that money.
I love that.
- (chuckles) - Mm.
Okay.
Mmm.
Honestly, I'm probably gonna quit after lunch.
- What? - Cool if we call this your treat? Right.
Heroin's in the diaper pail, baby wipes are in the cabinet.
Oh, man, she's so lucky to have three dads.
(chuckles) Hey, have you seen this? - Come on, man.
- These three goofballs just hid heroin in the baby's diaper disposal.
- What a ride! - Winston, why are you still here? - Shh! Shh! - To have fun.
Why are you here? (quietly): Keep it down.
Ruth is napping.
In my bed? You put that kid to sleep in Yes, and I changed the sheets.
It's very clear to me what side of the bed you sleep on.
- Busted.
- Ruth hasn't slept in 24 hours, so I drove her around in my car.
She told me she had to pee, so I brought her here.
She nodded off on the toilet.
It was very cute.
Honestly, it reminded me of you.
- That's great - I took 70 pictures.
- But that's - Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Are you guys seeing this? - (groans softly) (chuckles) I just thought of it just now.
Three Men and a Little Lady.
One, two, three.
We should do this movie with Ruth.
Winston, you cannot do a movie.
What is that goon Guttenberg painting on the walls? Words sound weird to me when I'm this tired.
That ever happen to you? Like, Gu-Guttenberg.
Gu - Gu - Gu - Enough, guys! - Gu'enberg.
Merle hated my last draft.
He said Pepperwood is over.
- What? - I'll kill him.
He wants me to pitch new ideas by tomorrow.
You can't tell ideas to a dead man.
Winston, stop! Nobody's killing anybody.
- Okay.
- But the truth is, I do have something new.
And I'd like to pitch it to you guys.
- He's tough.
- Okay.
- He's controversial.
- Ooh-hoo-hoo.
He's pro-choice.
He's Senator Porcupine.
Pass.
Pa-Pass in the room.
- Uh, question for the author.
- No, thank you.
Senator Porcupine how does he put on a tie? Good question.
Ow! - Oh, geez.
- Aah! - (groans) - Aah! - Mm.
Mm.
- I don't know.
With-with his mouth? That's what I'm saying I don't have the answer.
I mean, Pepperwood was all that I had.
Now I've got nothing.
I feel like I'm, like, a wood-maker who can't make any, um - BOTH: Wood.
- Wood! See, I don't have anything! I knew it! I got nothing! (door slams) RUTH: I'm awake! Hey, I think Ruth is awake.
You think, Winston? Wait, so, you're saying that you're doing Russell's busywork? That you, Jessica Day, former principal of an entire school, is doing his busywork? Nah, girl.
Nah, hold up.
One sec.
How's that wine and coffee combination treating you? My heart is beating really fast, but time is moving really slow, - so it all kind of evens out.
- Hmm.
Wait, why are you quitting? He has a couple guys he trusts, and I just get left out of all the major decisions.
- Typical.
- Heads up, you're putting sugar in your wine.
I made a boo-boo.
Let's just No, I made a yum-yum.
- You know what the craziest thing is? - Tell me.
Every Tuesday, he has these lunch meetings with a couple of guys from the office, - and he's never once invited me.
- Babe.
- Yes, babe.
- Every woman has a "Tuesday meeting" they haven't been invited to.
How many times in your life have you been excluded from something important or talked over or ignored because you're the only woman in the room? It was different when I was running my own company, but ever since we joined with GKM, I've had to start dealing with this male-pattern dumbness.
(pumping) MAN: Ugh.
- What is that? - It's a breast pump, Ken.
I said I needed time to pump, and you refused to change the meeting, so here we are.
Now, for the jeans campaign.
Which one of these guys says, "I'm having fun in Toronto"? (pumping continues) So, for half an hour, they had to sit there and watch me get milked like a freaking cow.
Oh, yeah, your nipples looked like pizza bagels in that thing.
Yeah, they do.
You know what? This is not the first time - I've been left out of a Tuesday meeting.
- Mm-hmm.
Remember my first job in administration? The budget's still too high.
You know, I think it might be the number of field trips we've been going on? What about the number of field trips? Yes, exactly.
- Great idea.
- I literally just said that.
I think we're gonna need to take it out of the transportation budget.
Here's a crazy idea.
What if we take it out of the transportation budget? MEN (chanting): Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben! I've been left out of Tuesday meetings - as long as I can remember.
- Yes.
Exactly.
The system is broke, and I can't feel my face.
- Is that a good thing? - I don't know.
Oh, that belongs in the fire.
- Whoa.
- Oh, hey, guys.
What do you got here, buddy? A little room fire? That seems safe.
Oh, don't worry, I got this.
(sniffs) Oh, I should've known that was whiskey.
Oh.
(whoops) Guys, please let me hate myself and everything that I have created.
That's it.
I have to call Merle.
I'm gonna tell him that I've got nothing.
- My career's over.
- (sighs) Pepperwood was all that I had.
I'm done.
- I'm three.
- Everybody knows that, Ruth.
Okay, look, Nick, you're not gonna call Merle.
(yawning): Okay, you're gonna go in there tomorrow, and you're gonna do Wake up, Daddy.
You're gonna do an A-plus, perfect-style job.
Nick, you have a ton of ideas, okay? A lot of i idea notebooks.
- I don't want to hear this.
- WINSTON: Here we go.
Oh, never mind, that's a maze you drew.
Yeah, you drew a maze then couldn't solve it.
You went straight for the wall.
It was a hard maze.
This one is just a list of words that rhyme with "moon.
" But then right away, it's "bun.
" "Moon, spoon, loon, bun"? The heck is this? There was no other words that rhymed with "moon.
" - "Tune"? - That's what I'm saying.
I don't have a Pepperwood was all that I had.
I've got nothing.
You're Mr.
Diarrhea Head.
Please don't say that to me right now.
I'm going through a thing right now, so please don't say that to me.
I'm asking you, please don't call me that.
Okay, Mr.
Diarrhea Head.
No, you're the Diarrhea Head.
Okay? Schmidt, what would you like me to do here? What do you want from me? What am I supposed to do? Uh, you used to love fixing my life.
Before (grunts) came around.
SCHMIDT: It's different times.
I got to wipe her butt.
I got to wipe my butt.
I can't wipe your butt, too.
Can I get in on that? Never mind.
That's it, I'm done.
I'm calling Merle, and I'm telling him I don't have any ideas.
Ruth, honey, will you please watch Uncle Nick while Uncle Winston and I have a conversation? Fine.
Follow me.
I'll follow you if I want to follow you.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
I'm coming.
If anyone's the boss between us, it's me.
- RUTH: I'm the boss.
- (door closes) You know something, I used to think that Nick was the Guttenberg, but it turns out he may be the little lady.
Winston, I need you to focus here.
We have a spiraling man on our hands.
We just need to remind him that he has good ideas.
Do we have any other idea notebooks? Because this is just nonsense.
I read it, and I don't want to be friends with him anymore.
Maybe it doesn't have to be his writing.
- It could be from anything.
- Hmm.
- Just find something.
- You know what, yes.
Yes.
Um Okay.
Here we go.
"All reactionaries are paper tigers.
"In appearance the reactionaries are terrifying, but, in reality, they are not so powerful.
" - That really grabs you.
- Yeah.
- What is that? - It's, uh Mao's Little Red Book.
The Chinese communist manifesto? Yes.
Read that again.
(whispering): "All reactionaries are paper tigers" You know what I don't get? When did I start thinking it was my fault? Is that good? - Mm-hmm.
- Why am I the one who has to quit? Yes! That's right.
You know what? Tell me what day it is.
It's Tuesday.
Tell me where we're going.
To the Tuesday meeting.
The last Tuesday meeting I won't be invited to.
- Mm-hmm.
- Add this to the agenda, you jagbags.
That's right.
I am drunk right now and very awake! Daddy got me this dress.
Well, you know, your dad used to, uh, dress me, too, Ruth.
- Why? - Uh, because he cared.
- Why? - I don't really know, but he did.
- Why? - Before you, I was his baby girl.
WINSTON: Nick.
Look what we just found.
A forgotten masterpiece.
You've got to hear this.
You've still got it.
"All reactionaries are paper tigers.
"In appearance the reactionaries are terrifying, "but in reality, they are not so powerful.
" And that? That's just the beginning.
I mean, I don't remember writing it.
It does sound like something I would write.
Just think about it.
You're always saying stuff like, "In reality, they are not so powerful.
" - In terms of the reactionaries.
- Ha ha! - I wrote that? - Check that out, man.
That's you.
- That's crazy.
- Let me take a peek at that.
You just need to believe in yourself, Nick.
You've still got it.
It's powerful.
It's v-very it's-it's powerful stuff.
Well, I think it's pretty clear.
I'm back, boys.
- Whoa! Shut up! - (Nick laughs) I'm an awesome writer.
- Yeah, you are, man.
- You're v you're v - you're very you're very good.
- You're the best.
If I were a red shoe, where would I hide? - I'm going over here.
Ah.
- Oh, my God.
(laughs) What about back here? No.
(screams) (laughs) You got to be crazy.
(quietly): Turn that down! Ruth is finally asleep.
Also, what are you doing here? Did my wife give you a key? Yeah.
For emergencies.
What is the emergency? If they don't get the little lady back from England - man, they may never see her again.
- Oh, forget it.
If you're gonna watch that, turn on the closed captioning.
If Ruth wakes up again, I'm gonna plotz my pants.
- Oh, Schmidt, are you here? Winston! - Shh! Shh! Shh! Winston Bishop - I'll do it again.
- Shh! SCHMIDT (whispering): Don't do this.
Shh! Please.
Why aren't you writing? I was writing, but I got so inspired by the pages that you found that I drove straight to Merle's office.
"Revolutionary culture "is a powerful revolutionary weapon for the broad masses of the people.
" Hey, w-what do you call this again? - Johnny's Big Day at Work.
- Nice.
I have another title for you.
- Mao's Little Red Book?! - Shh! Please, voices.
- Mao's Little Red Book?! - Voices.
Voices! - You lied.
- Shh.
You lied to me.
Don't look at it as a lie.
- All right.
- Look at it as not a lie, and then and then you're fine.
And now I'm not just a hack with bad ideas, - but I'm a filthy commie! - Shh.
Please! And you know I'm no commie! I don't know your personal beliefs.
- You don't know my personal beliefs? - Enough! Those are fightin' words.
We didn't think that you were gonna give those actual pages to your editor.
We were just trying to inspire you.
Also, why do you own that book? You see a red book, you buy a red book.
- What do you do with blue books? - Don't buy.
- Yellow books? - Wait on it.
- That's true.
- Hi, Daddy.
No.
Good God, child.
Oh my God.
I know what we need to do.
Goodnight, sweetheart, well, my friends are liars SCHMIDT: We were just trying To help you write Guys, you see what we're doing? We're doing Three Men and a Baby.
- Winston, you cannot do a movie.
- Can't do a movie.
Yes, you can.
You can do any movie except for a documentary, because those already happened.
Harmony on three.
One, two, three.
Goodnight I'm not tired.
- Knock-knock, Russell.
- Who's there? - Two women.
- Two women who? - Two women coming in! - Two women coming in who? We went over this, Cece that's not the line.
That's exactly the kind of input we've been talking about.
Russell? We need to talk.
Oh, I'm scared of this energy.
Ya best be.
Ya best be scared.
Is she drunk? Yeah.
On four glasses of Chardonnay and two pots of coffee.
And I'm drunk on rage! Knock-knock, boys.
Open your brain doors.
- Sit down, Cece.
- Okay.
Look, I've let this slide too much in my life, but no more.
You may not want me in this meeting, but I belong here.
- Yeah, I-I'm not sure you do.
- Too late, Russell.
- I'm bustin' in.
- Work hard - Play hard, work hard - Can't keep a good woman down.
- Play hard, work hard - Cece, sit.
- Okay.
- You think just 'cause I'm a woman, I can't bring anything to the table? Well, try me.
'Cause I'm pullin' up a chair, - and I'm gettin' in the game.
- CECE: Ooh.
Okay.
Guys, this is Jessica Day.
Jessica, this is my divorced father support group.
We meet every Tuesday.
Oh, that's why you're crying.
It makes sense now.
(chuckles softly) Divorced fathers? Um, my dad my dad is a divorced father.
Your kids are gonna turn out fine.
Sort of.
There-there might be some rough years.
I like your choice of snacks.
(loud crunching) JESS: Ugh, Russell, I know you're probably mad at me for many reasons.
One you might not know about is that my friend did indeed get sick in the receptionist's desk drawer.
- I just wanted to say - No, I wanted to say that this morning I was ready to quit.
Wait, you're gonna quit? But I decided not to, because I know I can really make a difference for these schools if you will let me.
I know I was wrong about the meeting, but you have to admit, you haven't given me any real work to do.
- That's true.
- Why is that? Do you not think of me as an equal? Because if that's the case, that needs to change.
No, that's not it at all.
Jess, it's just that you're new here, and I've got a lot of trust issues.
Probably from my third wife, Jackie.
In fact, we were just discussing it in the divorced dad Wait, I thought your fourth wife was named Jackie.
I married two women named Jackie.
- Back-to-back? - Yeah.
They were related.
It's complicated.
Look, I got to make this right.
I hired you because I feel like you're exactly the right person to get stuff done around here.
So I guess it's time for me to just let go and let you do that.
You won't regret it.
- All right.
- Also, while we're here talking, we need some tampons in the bathroom.
Are you asleep? No.
Well I give up.
This is my reality.
I'll never sleep again.
Tell me a story, Uncle Nick.
Me? No, no, no.
I don't have any stories, Ruth.
Come on, Nick, you can do it Please? Nick, she asked for a story.
- Why don't you tell her a story? - I thought you wanted - to sleep, Schmidt.
- I don't know how to do that anymore.
I've pushed through.
- My body doesn't know how to sleep.
- All right, fine, Ruth, you want a story? Here's a story.
There was once a magical bear, and he, uh I don't know, walked on a magical tightrope to Seattle.
Have you ever seen a magical bear? - No.
- Is there a tightrope to Seattle? Not that I know of, Ruth.
- Ugh, this is garbage.
- Well, what do you want from me? It's late at night, you asked for a story that's the best that came out.
Weren't you ever little like me, Uncle Nick? Of course I was little like you.
Don't you know anything? I was born on a cold, lonely street on the South Side of Chicago.
As rumor has it, and there's no proof of this, obviously, but I delivered myself.
It was my fifth birthday party, there was a knock at the door.
My father jumped up, gave us all a thumbs-up, gave me a wink, then he jumped out the window, - bounced up, took off running.
- Oh, wow I didn't see him for six months.
My only babysitter at the time was a rollercoaster at a local amusement park.
That and a pack of cigarettes.
(chuckles wryly) Being nine in Chicago is different.
The tree fell, hit the power line, and the power line fell right on the hobo, shocking the hobo back to life.
- That was an amazing moment.
- (whispers): Hey.
I don't know, it made me question the existence of God.
I believed entirely in fate, and it was that same fate that brought me to the woman I love today.
Uh, Nick, go back.
Uh, what happened to the hobo? He stood up, he spun around, he said, "Time to get a job," and he walked away.
- Why don't you write it down, Nick? - About the hobo? - WINSTON: Yeah.
- Yeah, why not? Oh, this is good.
This is really good.
We did it, Schmidt.
(chuckles) (snoring) Schmidt? (continues snoring) (whispers): Oh, my God.
Time to go to bed, my friend.
Yeah, I think the coffee's wearing off.
- I have to thank you so much for today.
- (yawning) Uh-huh.
Even though now I have so much work to do.
Yeah, you're gonna kill it.
It's gonna be great.
I love you.
I do love you.
- Thanks, girl.
- Hey, can I tell you a secret? - Yeah.
- I'm not gonna brush my teeth tonight.
JESS: Ooh, interesting choice.
- Thank you.
- WINSTON: Come on.
You don't want any of this.
Unhand me! I'm not even tired.
- Go to sleep, buddy.
- Yeah, dude, you haven't blinked in three hours.
Come on.
(Schmidt yawns) Cece I love you, but your breath is trash.
It's like a it's like a garbage Dumpster.
Thanks for saying that.
We were all thinking it.
- Yeah.
- Shh, shh, shh.
Time for sleep.
You get one story.
Take it away, Nick.
I call this one Timothy and the Chi-Town Hobo.
- Good night, Schmidt and Cece - "What are you doing in my box? It's time for sleep - Do, do, do, do, do - "growled the hobo - You haven't slept now - "to Timothy, - For over a week - "as a muss of hair and a pair - Do, do, do, do, do - "of young, sad, brown eyes We hate to leave, but you should be - Counting your sheep - "peeked slowly - Oh, good night, Schmidt - "out of a - And Cece, good-night - cardboard box.
" Good night!