No Activity (2017) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Previously on No Activity - What? - [SCREAMS.]
Get off me! - Oh, no.
- CHIEF: Janice! - Oh, Daddy likes that.
- Ooh, yeah, Daddy does.
No.
I'm Daddy.
Then who am I? You're Daddy's baby girl.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
All units stand down.
The raid has been canceled.
Kyle is a gentleman that is living with me and my wife.
And, also, he's having sex with her.
- Fucking stinks in here.
- Oh, yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's my softball team's dirty laundry bag.
That softball team is the epicenter of police corruption.
And we need you to find out how much he knows, how deep it goes, and who the leader is.
Shit.
FATIMA: Car 27, maintain position.
CULLEN: Copy that.
Remind me, why are we still here? FATIMA: I don't know, Cullen.
Take it up with your C.
O.
Dispatch out.
- [WHIRRING.]
- [TOLBECK MOANING.]
Ooh.
Yeah.
Oh.
[CHUCKLING.]
: Oh, yes.
Could you turn the massage chair off, please? - Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't - [CLICK.]
- I forgot I was at work.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Uh-huh.
Whew.
Boy.
Oh, hey.
Do you need some, uh, hand sanitizer? - Uh, no.
- No? - Why would I need that? - Oh, I just thought you might be dirty.
- Oh.
- Fucking rat.
I'm sorry? - Fucking rat out there.
- Where? No, it's gone.
It was just there.
[CHUCKLES.]
For a second, I thought - you were calling me a rat.
- Oh, really? - [CHUCKLES.]
- [LAUGHS.]
That's funny.
Why would I call you a rat? Is there a reason I might call you a rat? I was born the Year of the Rat.
- Were you? - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Hey, how much was this, uh Uh, my vibrating amethyst massage chair cover? Right.
Yeah.
That couldn't have been cheap.
- It was cheap.
Very cheap.
- Oh, really? Yeah.
1,200 bucks.
- $1,200? - $1,200.
- $1,200? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
Seems like a lot to me.
I don't know.
Well, you know, we spend half of our lives, me and you, sitting in this car.
- Uh-huh.
- You got to think about the PPS.
Price per sit.
- Right.
Of course.
Yeah.
- [GRUNTS.]
I guess, for me, I'm just I'm satisfied with a standard-issue seat.
You know, an honest chair for an honest ass and an honest night's work.
- [RINGTONE PLAYING.]
- Ooh.
That's my phone.
I should take this call.
No, take it in here.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Take it in here.
It's fine.
- I don't want to bore you.
- You're not You'd be boring me by going outside.
- Oh - I'd fall asleep without you here.
- [LAUGHS.]
- You are so silly! [LAUGHS.]
- I am silly, aren't I? - Shh! - We're on stakeout.
- Okay.
[RINGTONE CONTINUES PLAYING.]
Hello? Yes? Right.
Yes.
I can do What do you got, Tolbeck? What do we got here? A second phone.
Are you fucking kidding? Okay.
Okay, shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
[EXHALES.]
- - Okay.
Okay, okay.
I can do that, I can do that.
I'm gonna do that.
Okay.
[INAUDIBLE.]
[LAUGHS.]
You fucking little rat bitch.
You are going down.
["HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING.]
While away while someone counts the minutes Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off By the way, I told you we were in this Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off it.
MARCO: Hey, it's me.
Did you get the request I put in - for the surveillance van? - HELEN: Yeah.
- And why do you need it? - Because I do, Helen, okay? I need it for my investigation.
God, why is everything such a thing with you? Oh, my God.
Take the fucking van.
[DIAL TONE.]
Okay, Daddy, what are you doing now? [SUCKS TEETH.]
[SIGHS.]
What are you doing? Ooh, Daddy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Aw.
That, that is great.
Yes.
Fuck yes.
[GRUNTS.]
What? Who this? This is my wife.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, God.
I could call her.
Come on.
Whoo-ee.
Like a one-minute phone call.
I'll be in I'll be in a rush.
Holy cow.
This is stupid.
What am I doing? [SIGHS.]
Hi.
Hey.
Hi.
Uh What are you doing? I'm just doing, like, totally normal [SHUDDERING INHALE, CLEARS THROAT.]
cool, cool stuff.
CULLEN: Car 27.
No activity.
Where's Janice? FATIMA: Janice is taking some time off.
I got a new guy starting today.
Copy that.
You must be Fatima.
I've heard a lot about you.
Hi, I'm Mike.
I'm the new guy.
The new bloke, if you're British.
Are you British? - No.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Nice to meet you, Mike.
I'm sorry.
I can't keep this up anymore.
- Keep what up? - I'm pranking you.
My name's not Mike.
Never has been.
Never will be.
My name is drumroll, please - [TAPPING.]
- No.
My name is Zach.
[LAUGHS.]
I don't get the joke.
You're probably sensing that I'm a Scientologist.
Correct.
Don't worry.
Don't sweat it.
I'm one of the chill Scientologists.
Probably the chillest Scientologist you'll ever meet.
I d I It's okay.
I'm cool.
I'm chill.
I'm hip.
I got HBO.
I've seen Going Clear.
Wow.
Okay.
That's progressive.
I hate it.
I hate that movie.
The cinematography is so bad.
Yeah, that's-that's what got me about that movie, too.
It's like, "Go to film school.
Learn from the masters.
" - [FLY BUZZING.]
- Well Is that fly bothering you? 'Cause I'll kill that fly.
Fly is dead.
It's gone.
No one will ever see it again.
It could wind up in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey.
You throw a body in a river the right way, it floats into the sea.
I'll keep you posted.
Do I have your permission to use the restroom? You don't have to ask me to use the bathroom.
Actually no, I don't need to go anymore.
My body reabsorbed it.
Must've needed those nutrients after all.
Body's crazy, how it can do that.
Couldn't just get a normal white guy? Hey.
Guess what I did the other day.
A personality test.
Oh! I wanted to guess what you did.
Maybe we could do it together.
It's a Myers-Briggs test.
And it's really fun.
And you find out all about yourself and your personality and you find out who else you're like, you know, including fictional characters.
And I'm an exact match for Sansa Stark.
- Ooh! - I know.
Who is that? From Game of Thrones.
- Fun! - Yeah, I know.
I know.
I've never heard of that before.
You never heard of Game of Thrones? No.
Oh, is it the show about Castle? No, that's Castle.
- Castle.
Castle.
- Anyway, why don't we do this? It's really fun, and I think you'd get a lot out of it.
So, question one, um, you find a bag of money in the street.
Do you: A: return it? B: Keep some of it but return most of it? C: Keep it all and silence anybody who's ever seen it? Oh, this is wasted on me.
- Why's that? - 'Cause I don't have one.
One what? A personality.
What are you talking ? Everybody has a personality.
No, you're wrong.
Two percent of the population does not have a personality.
I read an article on it.
- I'll send it to you.
- [SIGHS.]
No, Tolbeck, everybody has a personality.
No, I'm telling you, it's not like that.
It's like, you know how some people can't tell - the difference between red and green? - [SIGHS.]
I mean, there's a lot of people like me.
You know? Usher.
Jennifer Lawrence.
Justin Timberlake.
You wonder why you haven't seen all of us at a dinner party together? 'Cause you're not famous? No.
Because it would be boring.
"Hello, Justin Timberlake.
" "Oh, hi, Officer Tolbeck.
What are you doing?" "Oh, nothing.
"Hey, look who's over there.
It's Jennifer Lawrence.
" "Hi, Officer Tolbeck.
"It's me, Jennifer Lawrence.
What do you guys want to talk about?" - So, are you at a dinner party? - Yes.
Why do you say "over there" when you talked about Jennifer Lawrence? As if she just walked through the door.
- Oh, I see.
- Oprah.
I'm telling you, she and I have something very much in common, which is we don't have that part of the cortex in the brain - that creates personality.
- That actually does feel right.
- Mm-hmm.
- Now that you mention it.
You know what? I have to send you that article.
- Mm-hmm.
- I mean [À LA OPRAH.]
: I have to send you that - Article! - Okay.
Send me the article.
I'll read it.
[RINGTONE PLAYING.]
Oops.
- Oh, I got to take this.
- Take it in here.
Tolbeck, take it in here.
It's fine.
What's with all the secret calls? I got to go.
You mind? You know, secrets metastasize.
MARCO: You know what I hate? When people ask you to use a coaster on, like, some bullshit table that's not even that nice.
Yeah, I know.
Exactly.
It's, like, why are you protecting random surfaces, you fucking garbage person? You're worthless.
I love boobs.
- Oh, you're fun.
- You're very fun.
I like talking to you.
#MeToo.
I think I had a dream about you last night.
#TimesUp.
Share that dream.
You were drowning in the ocean, and I was trying to save you from inside the kayak with these big, giant, like, arms, but the arms were kind of like wooden oars.
Does that make sense? I dreamt that we shaved your beard, and underneath, there was nothing but open sores all over your face, and then I pulled down your pants, and where your dick usually is, there was just a giant, laughing clown.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Well I'll be honest, I haven't shaved in a long time, so who knows what's in there.
You know? Could be a bunch of live sores, I guess.
But who cares? Right? We're all gonna be dead anyway.
You know, the sun is gonna completely engulf the Earth and burn everything up, right? Any Dave Matthews Band song that you love is gone.
[WHISPERS.]
: God, I love how stupid you are.
Everything will be gone.
I mean, the last person who knows Shakespeare will be dead.
- I hate Shakespeare.
- Why are we still doing his plays? You know what we should be doing? The plays of Stephen King.
He is easily the Shakespeare of our time, if not better than Shakespeare, actually.
This was this was fun.
It was fun.
I'm glad you think so, too.
Daddy's got to go to work now.
You know? He can't afford to be late.
Can't afford to lose that health insurance.
Daddy's diabetes has been flaring up again, you know.
Well, I I guess I didn't realize Daddy had diabetes.
That's got to be hard.
They keep cutting off pieces of Daddy's foot.
Soon he's only gonna have wheels for feet.
But he'll still be able to zoom around with his little baby girl.
[WHISPERS.]
: God, you make me proud.
Okay, I have to go now.
Uh oh.
Bye.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
All right, that went good.
Hey, Steve.
You ever dated a straight-up freak? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah! I bet you did.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're a legend.
ZACH: Car 42, maintain position.
Over and out.
I am nailing this job.
This job is easy.
Fatima, I thought of an icebreaker question.
Cool.
Fatima, icebreaker question.
How do you feel about your life? Um You don't love your life? Tell me why.
Tell me everything that's wrong with it.
Get it out.
Um, well I have these upstairs neighbors, these college kids, that blast - the worst music all day and night.
- [GROANS.]
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And you said they live above you? - Yeah.
- Got it.
Wha Are you gonna I mean, are you gonna do something with this information? What? No.
Why are you smiling like that? Am I? I'll stop.
I don't know Please don't do anything.
I don't know if you are, but just forget I said anything.
I'm just making conversation.
- Okay.
- We're good.
Yeah.
Okay.
Great.
I'm gonna take my lunch break now.
Okay.
Well, now? It's not for a few hours.
That's what they would love us to think.
I was very rude.
Do you have any questions for me? - I am an open book.
- Yeah, okay.
Why did you get into Scientology? Don't ever ask me that again.
You cannot ask that.
I cannot answer that.
You cannot ask that.
No one can ask that.
Never, ever ask me that again in your life.
I'm kidding.
But I can't answer that.
- Any other questions? - Nope.
Lunchtime it is.
Cool.
Well, you're never gonna get there at that pace.
Yeah.
I'll pick up the pace, if that's what you want.
Don't come back! Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Don't open that! What the fuck? Silk boxers? Oh, my God, what - $86 a pair?! - Yeah.
- How many are here? - Seven.
Seven pairs.
They're days-of-the-week boxers.
It was a gift for you.
Really.
I wanted to get this for you, because I was hoping that it would ease the blow.
"Ease the blow"? I don't want your dirty, filthy boxers on my junk.
What is going on with you? The French cuffs.
The new shoes.
The suit.
The cigars.
The hair dryer.
The secret phone calls.
Okay, look, I can explain all of that, okay? Oh, yeah, okay, well, I'm all ears.
Don't look at me, okay? Can you just look out the window, - look away? - Okay.
Yeah.
- Let's do that.
- [SIGHS.]
This is not easy to tell you, but [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
you remember three months ago, after the raid? - You remember the raid, right? - Yeah, I remember the raid.
Well, after I got home that evening, Lisa asked me for a divorce.
The phone calls are to my divorce attorney.
Great.
And? - That's it.
- That's it? No, that's not it.
That is not it.
Because the "it" is that you're dirty! You're part of Haldeman's dirty ring.
You're a dirty little piggy.
I know that.
And you're the worst kind of dirty you're the kind of dirty that doesn't include his partner.
- What are you talking about? - Oh, come on! Leon told me everything.
I know the softball team is dirty.
I know it all.
- The team is dirty? - Oh, don't play dumb, Tolbeck.
I know everything.
It's obvious.
You're busted.
I'm busting you.
This is me busting you.
And what about your, uh oh, what about your second phone? Yeah, that's right.
I found that.
Okay, look, I'm not proud of this, okay? - Mm-hmm.
- Do you remember Kyle? Kyle? Your wife's lover, Kyle? Yes.
Well, we're all on the family plan together, and I bought the extra phone, because I wanted to run down our data, especially Kyle's data.
- You bought another phone - Mm-hmm.
- so Kyle has less data? - Yeah.
I mean, I know we all suffer, but you know, he's the only gamer, so he suffers a little bit more.
But that doesn't explain why you're throwing your money around like you're, like you're staying in Richard Gere's hotel room - for the week.
- Look, so that Lisa can't spend it, okay? When her attorney gets done with me, she gets half of everything.
And so I figure, half of nothing is nothing.
So you believed Leon? You thought that I was dirty? Well, n-no.
No, not really.
I mean - Wow - No Don't look like that.
It was I'm hey, hey, I was trying not to.
- Wow.
- And he's really Please, Tolbeck, don't shake your head like that.
He's really scary, and it was, it was so hot in there.
I'm so sorry.
Of course you're not dirty.
I'm an idiot.
Please? Please? I'm sorry.
Tolbeck, don't Please look at me again.
- Please? The way you used to? - No.
FRANKIE: I wish I could kiss the living shit out of your face right now.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Oh.
Wow.
Really? Yeah.
I wish I could kiss you, too.
- Talk dirty to me.
- MARCO: How dirty? I want you to talk so fucking dirty to me, you give me an ear infection.
[CHUCKLES.]
Sorry, I didn't think it was gonna get this dirty.
It's fine.
- You want to know what I'm wearing? - Yeah.
Tight blue jeans and a black shirt.
What are you wearing? I'm wearing, like, you know, you know, dark jeans and a and a black shirt and, like, a like, a collared shirt over it.
It-It's a pretty good look.
I want to unzip those jeans, and I want to soap up that big-ass penis.
Oh, okay.
Well, you know, just be careful, I guess.
I will be, but you know who won't be? Who? - Daddy.
- Oh, boy.
Hey, you think Daddy should get a little undressed? Uh yeah, yeah, sure.
Well, now Daddy's unbuttoning her top button.
Your shirt has buttons? - Yeah.
- Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure.
And now the second button.
And now all of the buttons.
- Uh-oh.
- She's not doing any of this.
Yes, uh-oh.
Now Daddy's shirt is off.
- What about you? You holding it? - MARCO: Oh.
Y-Yeah, yeah.
No, it's-it's out.
I'm-I'm holding it.
It's-it's flopping all over the place.
Don't worry about it.
I-I'm just I'm not doing anything.
Uh-oh.
Now your big, strong, stoic father is cupping her ass with both hands.
What does my baby girl think of that? Wait a minute, what? What? Wait, are you really doing this? Why are you fucking interrogating me? It just doesn't sound like you're actually doing any of the stuff you're saying you're doing.
I mean, I don't fucking know, Marco.
I mean, like, I'm at work.
You know, my fingers are touching dirty-ass money.
I don't want to put those fingers inside me.
Well, no, you shouldn't.
Wait, was there any question that you were gonna put money inside of you during this? All money has traces of urine on it, - so, you know - MARCO: Oh, no.
It's so much worse than that.
You know, they've tested every single piece of currency that's come through the Treasury, and almost all of it has human fecal matter on it? You told me that.
It's silly.
We could have just spent this time talking.
I know, but I just wanted to, like, keep that other stuff alive, you know? Yeah, but if I'm being honest you know, this is the kind of stuff that I really like.
What, talking like a little bitch? Connecting, talking, being honest with each other.
Okay.
Yeah, me, too.
I mean, like, yeah, I-I kind of loved that you called me on my shit.
[CHUCKLES.]
: It-it was hot.
So sue me.
Oh, yeah? Well, you're really hot.
And full of shit.
Oh, fuck.
Now I'm touching my nipple.
Shit.
Wait.
Really? Whoa.
Uh uh okay, okay, okay.
Give me a second.
Hey, hey.
Get the fuck out of here.
Get out of here.
Give me, like, five minutes.
Give me, like, seven minutes.
CULLEN: Come on, man.
Please? Tolbeck.
Hey, buddy? You're my buddy.
You're getting a divorce? That's terrible.
What happened? - I'm all ears.
I'm-I'm here for you.
- [SIGHS.]
Lisa and Kyle wanted to close up the open marriage.
- Oh, buddy, I'm sorry.
- Okay? They really want to be together, - and I don't want to get in their way.
- No.
- I should be furious, right? - Right.
- But I'm not.
- No.
- I'm just happy for 'em, you know? - Yeah.
You should see 'em together.
- They're-they're really cute.
- Are they? Yeah.
I'm Buddy, I'm just sorry you-you didn't think you could talk to me about this before.
[SIGHS.]
Honestly, I di I didn't want you to blame yourself.
Why would I blame myself? I know how you look up to me and Lisa when it comes to marriage and everything.
Are you drunk? [SIGHS.]
You put us on a pedestal, and I just didn't want you to think that any of this was your fault.
- 'Cause it's not.
- I know it's not.
Cullen, it's not your fault.
The more you say it's not my fault, I feel like maybe you think it is a little bit my fault.
It is your fault.
Well, what's with all the "it's not your fault"? I just don't want you to think it's your fault.
How is it my fault? Because you put us up on a pedestal, and I can't live under that pressure of being perfect all the time.
- Uh-huh.
- And so, because of the pressure you put on me, it caused our marriage to fall apart.
I see.
But don't let that be on your head.
- Okay? - Okay.
It's not your fault.
Thanks.
And I apologize for the part I played in the breakdown of your marriage.
Finally.
- Huh? - Hmm? - What? - I was just Saw a rat.
Yeah, um, thank you for letting me know.
Yeah.
I am so sorry.
I know I'm a few minutes late.
I did not intend to be one second longer than an hour, but I wound up behind this motorcycle that spun out.
Waited for the paramedics to come, and now it has caused me to be I'm, like, three minutes late.
- And I know that's not okay.
- Yeah.
- I understand that's not okay.
- Um, Zach.
Uh, that was my landlord on the phone.
He just told me that, uh, my frat cock neighbors upstairs just decided to move out.
- Wow.
- It's a real wowie.
Uh-huh.
It's because of a death threat? A very graphic death threat is what he said, actually.
It was placed under a tub of animal blood? - Yeah.
- Wow.
Just ever so subtly.
Would you know anything about that? No.
Not at all.
It sounds like a real crazy person did it.
Sounds like whoever did that probably had a real righteous cause that they believed in, though.
Probably they were inspired to do it by someone who they find really inspiring.
Did the landlord call you personally? Yeah.
[SCOFFS.]
He was told not to do that, I would imagine.
And now he will pay, I am certain.
No.
No.
You can't terrorize people on my behalf.
That's insane.
Okay, fine.
Moving forward, I promise I will not terrorize anyone on your behalf, unless, of course, I sense that that is what you want despite what you say.
No.
I'm-I'm saying please do not do that.
I cannot believe you would do those things for me.
Because in the short time that we've known each other, I've gotten a sense of your morals and values, and I believe that they're really on point, and I want to support them, and I want to support you.
Oh.
You really would do anything for me, huh? Anything short of murder.
TOLBECK: Oh, boy, it feels so good not to lie to you - about my divorce anymore.
- CULLEN: Oh, my God, yes.
[LAUGHS.]
I got to tell you, - I was really nervous, man.
- Really? I had this whole elaborate plan on - how to break it to you.
- Oh.
So, I figured we would go out for ice cream.
- You know? - Yeah.
What else? That's it.
Oh, just ice cream? 'Cause I thought that'd be a better way - to break the news to you.
- Man, I'm relieved.
I was I was certain I was gonna have to turn you in.
- No! - I know.
- [EXHALES.]
- Believe that shit? - That's crazy.
- I know, man.
I know.
I feel free, man.
I feel lighter, you know? I feel like I could fly.
You think Oprah feels like she wants to fly? - [À LA OPRAH.]
: I think I could fly! - Fly! - Pretty good.
- Yeah.
Hey, give me a hug, buddy.
- All right, hug.
- I'm sorry I doubted you.
- Aw, you're so sweet.
- I'm sorry I doubted you.
That's - And that bag is another thing.
- Mm.
I was I was convinced after Leon got in my ear.
[CHUCKLES.]
: I thought that that you were laundering dirty money with that bag.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Like Al Capone or something.
- That is ridiculous.
- Oh, my God.
- I was just - Dirty money in a laundry bag.
I know.
I know, I'm sorry.
- [CHUCKLES.]
That is funny, though.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Shoot, I never even looked in that bag.
What? I'm gonna open it.
Okay.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Let's not even open it.
[SIGHS.]
Maybe it's better we don't know.
I'm opening the bag.
Ready? One, two, - three.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, fuck.
Do you want to open it? No, you do it.
Go ahead, - you're right.
You do it.
You do it.
- Okay.
Three, two, one.
MAN: Guh-doosh.
[WHIP CRACKING.]
[DRUMS BEATING, TRIBAL GRUNT.]