Northern Exposure s01e06 Episode Script
Sex, Lies and Ed's Tapes
One hundred and nineteen.
- And a half.
- And a half.
(Shelly) Mmm.
Let's see.
That is nine pounds this month.
Which means by the time this baby is due you should put on about 80 pounds.
- Which means only one thing.
- It's a boy? Slow down.
You're eating like there is no tomorrow.
- You want your breakfast burrito back? - I want you to be able to do your jeans up.
I thought maybe they'd just shrunk.
- Is everything else OK? - Mm-hm.
- My breasts are growing.
- That's perfectly normal.
It's like they're bein' pumped up, you know? Like a tyre.
Holling says my nipples are as hard as sapphires.
Yeah, well OK.
Is that a question? - They can't get so big they'll burst? - No, they cannot do that.
Thank goodness.
- You got anything else to eat? - No, you've had my breakfast.
Unless you wanna wash it down with what's left of my coffee.
Nah.
Thank you.
Nothing personal, Dr Fleischman, but you don't use enough milk.
Just one more little thing, and then you are free to go.
Oh, please.
Please, no.
Not that, Dr Fleischman! - Shh.
- Please! Close your eyes.
Before you know it, it's all over.
Do you have to? I just hate needles.
I hate them so much.
There's no other way for me to draw blood.
I didn't do it last time cos you promised me this time I know, but Couldn't you take it from somebody else and say it's mine? You know I can't do that.
- (moans) - Shh-shh.
There's a Mars bar in that medicine cabinet with your name on it.
Mars bar? - Can I scream? - I'll shut the door.
- (Maurice) It is noise! - (Chris) What are you talkin' about? It's very melodic.
Indian music has its own very specific lyricisms.
(Maurice) It sounds like people are throwin' garbage cans around.
It's a lot of caterwaulin'.
It is noise.
- I like it - Put on a show tune, huh? "Carousel"? I like it when you play when you talk on the air.
I like it when you talk to people on the radio.
- I play the records, you run the station! - Play Schubert.
Play Edith Piaf.
Put somethin' on that's got somethin' to it! (Chris) I'm playin' what I wanna play.
(Maurice) The deal is, play what you want, as long as I like it.
- That's the deal? Forget it! - All right, forget it.
(evil laugh) Make my day.
(Maurice) Ed! Ed.
Are you all right, Ed? Huh? Out of the kindness of my heart, and against my better judgement, I've allowed you to come up here and use my Macintosh to work on that film script.
And what do I see as the sum total of all my well-intentioned efforts? A blank screen and a lot of wasted electricity.
What, you got writer's block, Ed? - I guess.
- (Maurice) Writer's block, my diddly! Give a stud a gun, a car.
Throw in a good-lookin' woman, then you've got yourself a movie.
Grope and kill.
Grope and kill.
Pretty soon they'll be namin' overstuffed sandwiches for you.
- Are you gonna finish the spuds? - Uh-uh.
Mind if I pick? - Holling says you're in a dance contest.
- Yes.
You think you can teach me the hippy-hop? It's Indian dancing.
Oh.
Never mind.
- Can I get you somethin'? - Yeah, I'm lookin' for Shelly Tambo.
She's in the kitchen.
Yeah, well, tell her Wayne's here to see her.
- Will she know what this is about? - She better.
- What are you doing here? - I could ask you the same thing.
I live here.
With him.
- I should have figured.
- And what's that supposed to mean? "You're always so immature, Wayne.
" - You are immature, Wayne.
- I was.
Maybe.
- But I'm mature now.
- Yeah, right.
- Like by dropping in unannounced? - I couldn't get to a phone.
- For 600 miles? - And I was in a hurry.
Shelly, I haven't had the pleasure of makin' the acquaintance of your friend.
No friend of mine.
This is Wayne.
Holling.
How do you do, Wayne? - How'd you find me anyways? - Cindy told me you were here.
- She told you that?! - I'll let you young people catch up.
She knew how mad I was at you for knocking out Jimmy.
Just cos he said I had nice legs! I wasn't the one rode home with Bucky.
I couldn't get far away from you fast enough.
Good! I'm glad.
- So why'd you follow me? - I'm not followin' you.
- I wanna marry Cindy.
- Cindy? Yeah.
And she wants to marry me too.
- She does? - She does.
But she's my best friend, Wayne! She was.
You haven't seen her in 18 months.
But you always said I was the pretty one and she was the bodyguard.
She's lost weight and her face has cleared up.
- She's much prettier than you are now.
- Well, then maybe you should marry her.
But I hope she realises how really immature you are.
I can't very well marry Cindy till I first divorce you.
(smash) I don't think they need a physical to renew my pilot's licence, but for insurance.
You've practically no blood pressure, less body fat, perfect vision, perfect teeth, perfect Perfect what? What? - What's this? - That? That's a pimple.
- No, it's not.
- It's not? I thought it was a pimple.
- It's not.
- What is it? It's a dermatofibroma.
A growth.
- You mean, like a tumour? - Uh-huh.
Is it tender? - No.
- How long have you noticed it? I don't know.
Months.
- Has it changed in shape or size? - I don't know.
I wouldn't get too concerned about it.
As we get older, cysts develop on our body.
Now, we don't know precisely why, but by and large they are benign, which, in all likelihood, this is.
- What if it's not? - I'm pretty sure it is.
- Well, what if it's not? Is it cancer? - It would be, yes.
But in my experience, I've seen this many times, and only once was it malignant.
The time that it was bad, is the person OK? - No, but - No? He's dead? - Yeah, but - How long did he live? - Six months, but - Six months?! Rick, don't make yourself crazy.
It's almost certainly - Maggie and I have been together a year.
- That that OK.
So? Before me there were a few others, Joel.
- Well, she's not exactly a kid.
- I mean, I'm not the first to go.
Oh.
I'm not saying this has anything to do with anything, but guys die on her.
That's a fact.
I never put too much stock in it, but they do.
Would you like me to remove the cyst and have it biopsied? Under the circumstances, that probably would be Can you do it now? - You forgot to tell me you were married?! - Yes.
Don't tell me you've never forgotten anything.
We were almost married, Shelly! Almost doesn't count in horseshoes or marriage.
Besides, me and Wayne aren't really married.
- You're not? - Course not.
We didn't have a wedding or anything like that.
I didn't even wear a dress.
There was just a judge that we woke up in the night cos Wayne had a few beers.
He was all worked up over some dumb hockey game.
He kept pushin' and pushin', so just to shut him up I said yes.
- What? - Orders are backing up.
Everybody'll just have to wait, then, won't they? OK! All right, I admit it.
I did have a crush on Wayne.
But that was high school.
What we did in cars and pick-ups, we didn't do it with our hearts, like you and me.
- Oh, I - You what? I feel bad enough about stealing you from Maurice.
I didn't know you were married.
You didn't steal me, Holling! I came to you, cos I wanted to.
- Would you please say something? - It's not right.
I don't know Why are you making such a big deal about this? We love each other.
Wayne just showed up cos he wants a divorce.
If he hadn't, you never would have known about him.
I don't think it's proper for a man to be living with another man's wife.
What are you tryin' to say, Holling? I think maybe we should be living apart, till your divorce comes through.
You do? OK.
So I'll just pack a few things and move out for a while.
No, it's your place.
I'll move out.
I gotta get back to work.
Malignant melanoma is an extremely rare form of cancer.
Extremely rare.
Statistically, I would say the odds are at least 100-1 - You said 1,000.
- I'm sorry, you're right.
1,000-1.
- But you have seen it before? - Yeah, once.
- And the patient is? - Dead.
- Yeah, but - Once it's in the lungs, I'm history.
True, but the odds are in your favour.
Right, well Well, what? Well, it's obvious this is much ado about nothing.
Clearly, you've blown this out of proportion.
- Dr Fleischman says you don't have it.
- He says probably I don't have it.
He said most likely.
The odds are 1,000-1.
Why would you be the one in a thousand? This is ridiculous.
You're not that special.
When do we know for sure? - Can I get you another one? - Yeah.
Make it a lite, I'm gettin' a gut.
- She's a pretty good waitress, I bet.
- Yes, she is.
She used to be able to line six plates up her forearm, five cups and five saucers, and not drop one - with one hand.
- She still do that? - What's that? That thing with the plates and cups? On occasion.
She's put on a couple of pounds.
Looks good on her.
- She's pregnant.
- You the daddy? - Uh-huh.
- I should've knocked her up myself.
Thought I did.
Slapshot right into the net.
Did she tell you? Course not.
Why would she? My wife, your baby.
Is this world goin' to hell, or what? Well, congratulations anyway.
I guess.
- I appreciate that.
- She ever mention me? Wayne Jones? Never did.
Boy, when she gets mad, she can sure hold a grudge.
- How old are you? - 20.
That's a whole lot different than 19.
- She still into hockey? - Ice hockey? Yeah.
I'm a hockey player.
I'd be playin' for the Flames by now if it wasn't for her.
She took the fire outta me.
I didn't wanna fight or stick.
I didn't wanna crush nobody's skull in.
Instead of goin' high in the draft, I go on a bender and get thrown in the can.
- That's a shame.
- Once I get this divorce thing settled, I'm gonna start kickin' some major-league butt.
I got a slapshot like you wouldn't believe, mister.
She was one lousy wife, you know that? But she's got more curves on that bod than the Stanley Cup.
(sighs) (as Ratso in "Midnight Cowboy") Non-specific urethritis.
It's not catchy, but you ought to keep the falcon under wraps for a while.
- You know what I'm talkin' about? - Yeah.
Hey! Hey! I'm crossin' here! I'm crossin' here! You don't talk to a learned physician that way! Same to you, pal! Can't wait to get that jerk in the examining room.
I got a barium enema for him.
I'll take you to Donald Trump, a friend of mine.
- You know Donald Trump? - I started him out in the business.
Oh, boy! OK, thanks.
All right.
Hey, Ed.
You mean to tell me her nipples are hard as sapphires, she's been eating like two horses, her breasts are growin' by leaps and bounds, and she's not pregnant?! - That's right.
- Joel, are you sure about this? - Absolutely.
- How can this be? Hysterical pregnancies are highly unusual.
Extremely unusual.
But apparently her body has convinced itself that it's pregnant with all the physical manifestations of pregnancy.
And yet, the fact is, her blood test indicates that she is not pregnant.
And the results, I'm afraid, are indisputable.
There is, however, no reason to assume that this means that next time you won't actually be pregnant.
It's for the best anyway.
I wouldn't wanna bring a baby into the world when her daddy's not sure he loves her momma.
Just cos her momma is married! Would you? - Thanks for letting me stay over, Maggie.
- No problem, Shelly.
Rick's in Fairbanks on business, so I'm glad to have the company.
How long does it take to get a divorce anyway? I don't know.
You hungry? No.
Thanks.
Ever since I found out I'm not pregnant, I don't seem to have an appetite.
- Why are they like that? - Who? Boys.
Beats the hell out of me.
They got rules about everything, that's got nothing to do with how anybody feels.
Then you break one of their stupid little rules, and they fall to pieces.
Yeah.
Yeah, Rick thinks I think he's in Fairbanks on business.
Yeah, right.
Like I don't know what he's really doin' in Fairbanks.
What is he doin' there? He thinks I'm killing him, the way I kill all the guys I go out with.
Which I don't.
I just have bad luck with men.
They do stupid things and die, and then I'm supposed to feel responsible? Of course not! If Wayne were dead, Holling would feel real bad for me.
But since he's alive, Holling's mad at me.
Doesn't make much sense, does it? Men don't make sense.
They think they do, but they don't.
- You know who makes sense? - Girls? Nobody.
Nobody makes any sense.
But at least females have the sense to know that and don't get bent out of shape about everything.
- (knock at door) - If that's Holling, tell him something! - I'm Wayne.
Is my wife here? - What do you want? - I wanna talk to you, that's what I want.
- You better not try anything immature.
- You hear? - Yes.
I won't.
Let him in.
It's OK, Maggie.
You can leave us alone.
Just put Fang outside until Wayne leaves.
- Fang.
- Who's Fang? A killer pit bull.
If I scream, shoot him.
Look I'm sorry your old man kicked you out cos I showed up.
- He is pretty old, though, Shelly.
- So? He's got longevity in his genes - something you probably don't even know what I'm talkin' about.
I hear you ain't pregnant neither.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
When I heard you was pregnant, I I felt bad.
I thought "How come this old guy can do it and I can't?" Couldn't.
- Remember? - Of course I remember.
I'm not senile.
Did you marry me cos you thought you was pregnant? No! Not that it matters now, but no.
I just have a tendency to get hysterically pregnant when I get a crush on a guy.
I don't know why.
It's an indisputable scientific fact of nature.
Huh? So you mean you did dig me? Do you think I would have done it with you in your pick-up, not to mention marry you, if I didn't like you? - Shelly? - What? I decided to give you another chance.
Not that I was plannin' on forgivin' you.
But you are my wife, and you're prettier than Cindy, so you can come home now.
I don't wanna come home! I am home.
I am the one that's being the big man here.
I'm forgivin' you.
Forgive yourself, Wayne! OK.
Just calm down, all right? Just think about what I'm saying.
We're married, Shelly.
We're husband and wife, remember? You don't wanna let bein' mad throw all that away, do you? Anyways, the guy kicked you out.
Shelly, you've got the best body of anybody I know.
And I'm gonna start playin' hockey again.
Don't you remember comin' to the hockey games? I never wanted to divorce you anyway.
My game has been all messed up because all I do is think about you all day.
Listen, I got a tank full of gas outside, and I'm ready to go.
I'll think about it.
Well, can I see you again before you give me an answer? You mean, like a date? It wouldn't really be like a date - we're married.
Yeah, that's true.
You'd better go now, Wayne.
I'm confused.
Good night, Shelly.
Sleep tight, don't let the beddy-bugs bite.
Good night, Wayne.
I appreciate you not gettin' fresh.
Yeah.
- Lookin' great! - I'm not in the mood, Fleischman.
I'm serious.
I'm payin' you a compliment.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Why? Because it's as flattering a haircut on you as it was on Dorothy.
Hamill.
Come on, you remember.
Innsbruck, winter of '76.
America's sweetheart.
I don't know who had it worse for her, me or Jim McKay.
I'm happy if we're able to conjure up a pleasant, if unfulfilled, fantasy.
Talk about a head of hair! Do you skate? Are you here for any particular reason? Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go to the powwow with me.
You're going?! Yeah.
Why not? I admit, I don't ordinarily march to the beat of a snare drum, but it is Marilyn, and with Rick away, you might want someone to chant with.
What's that supposed to mean? That crack about Rick being away.
- What crack? - Rick's got a little tumour.
- OK! - Nothing more, nothing less.
I don't want you makin' a bigger deal out of this than it is.
I just came in here to Thousands of people get tumours every day.
People I've never laid eyes on get tumours.
Some die, some don't.
That's just the way it is with tumours.
- I know.
I am a doctor, remember? - All finished.
I am very comfortable with who I am and what I may be putting out to the universe, and Rick did not skip town on some trumped-up trip to Fairbanks just to get away from me, Fleischman.
Tumours happen! - Look, O'Connell, I don't know what you - Keep it zipped, Fleischman, OK? I tell you I set a new record? Eight Double Fatburgers in an hour and a half? So? So, nobody puts on the feedbag like Wayne Jones.
There are more important things than Fatburgers.
I know.
Hockey and sex.
But there's still enough room on this planet for small talk.
- (rock song starts) - Remember this, Shelly? - Remember what? - Our song.
They're playin' our song.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
alone and in love on a pool table? If this guy doesn't quit staring at you, I'm gonna kick his butt in.
Would you please grow up? I'm not your squeeze any more.
But you are my wife, and if he doesn't quit starin', I'm gonna kick his butt in! Come on, they're playin' our song.
You know, I've still got our wedding picture, Shel.
Cindy didn't like it hangin' in the car, so I put it up over the bar at Keller's Place.
Let's dance real close.
Holling? Who's the kid? Why's he smearin' ketchup all over Shelly's ass? Agh! What the hell's the matter with you? - Feel pain? - No.
- Now? - No.
- Agh! - OK.
OK.
I've seen this sort of neck lock before, but they were stiffs on a slab and I had a crowbar.
- Has this ever happened in the past? - Once.
A bear tried to unscrew my head.
I don't remember it bein' this painful.
I suggest you square things with Shelly before you start pretzellin' up.
Joel, I may not be able to eat, sleep, or turn to the right, but Shelly is a married woman and her husband is in town.
To get a divorce, which Shelly not only agreed on, but wants.
They are dancin' cheek to cheek as we speak.
Is that right? So they're doin' a turn on the dance floor for old time's sake Look me in the eye, tell me you don't love each other.
Wait, look.
You broke up with Shelly at a very vulnerable time in her life.
She is probably feeling very confused.
- What would you do, Joel? - What would I do, what? If the same circumstances presented themselves to you and your fiancée.
What would I do if Elaine's husband showed up at our apartment door? Uh That's it's an interesting question, Holling.
I'd be more than happy to answer it, except that, uh we're not from Alaska.
We're from Flushing, which is in Queens, New York.
That sort of thing just doesn't happen in New York.
Well, of course, it does.
It just doesn't.
What would I do if Elaine's husband showed up at our apartment door? (Shelly and Wayne talking) (piano) Drop her.
- Says who? - Says me.
Drop her.
- You can't have her.
She's mine.
- I don't want her, you moron! But Holling does.
He doesn't pack an iron any more.
Me and him we're pals.
(Shelly and Wayne's song plays) (knocking at door) (knocking continues) (knocking) - Evenin', Shelly.
- You.
What happened to you?! Wayne didn't hi? Oh, no.
Nothin' like that.
It's just a little crick in my neck, is all.
I was wonderin' if I might have a word with you.
Well OK.
- How's the divorce comin' along? - The divorce? My divorce? Uh well, yes.
- Why? - Well, I been reconsidering the situation.
I think that under the circumstances we should overlook the marriage and get back together.
- Oh, yeah? - Yes.
I do.
- Why? - Well Wayne is a fine, fine young man with a bright future, but he did have that look in his eye when you two were dancin'.
I wouldn't want him to get the wrong idea.
- And what idea is that? - You know.
That we would let a silly little thing like a marriage vow come between us.
Were you spying on us? In my bar?! No.
Why shouldn't he have that look in his eye? After all, he is my husband.
Something that I didn't think was such a big deal, but you obviously do.
- Did.
- So maybe I won't get divorced.
Maybe I'll move back to Saskatchewan with Wayne.
If I can't count on you when something as piddly as a husband pops up, what happens when the really big stuff hits? So you can just forget it, Holling.
I don't care if your neck never gets better, cos you always hit the kerb making a right turn anyway.
How's the movie goin'? Not so well.
I don't think me and the new Hollywood should be in bed together.
- What? - You know, blockbusters.
$100m box office.
That's all they say they want down there these days.
- I don't think I have one of those in me.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
Thanks.
MTV says it all started with Steven and the shark.
Then came the extraterrestrial, and George brought us R2-D2, Indiana Jones, Batman, Dick Tracy.
Entertainment Tonight calls it "high concept".
- Hmm.
- Yeah, hmm.
I don't think I'm a high concept kind of guy.
Wait a minute, what about Woody Allen? - What about him? - Thought you told me he was a genius? Oh, yeah! Woody's my man.
Annie Hall, Manhattan, Stardust Memories Plus Take the Money and Run and Bananas.
Before he became ashamed of bein' funny.
Not to mention Crimes and Misdemeanors.
I never heard of that one.
It was only the best film of 1989! As far as I'm concerned.
- Is that on cassette yet? - I don't know.
But the point is, Woody Allen doesn't write blockbusters and Hollywood likes him.
Write like he writes.
Oh.
You mean a movie about neurotic intellectuals in New York.
No, I don't mean write what he writes.
Write the way he does.
He writes about things he knows.
Look, Woody Allen is Jewish and from New York, right? That's probably why he writes about it, because that's what he knows about.
You mean, like, it's easy for him? Yeah.
Sort of.
(Shelly and Wayne's song) Hey, Dave, I can't eat this breakfast.
These eggs look stupid.
Where's that little round bone in the ham? Shelly! What? I gotta work.
I want a hamburger.
I wanna know if we're goin' back to Canada too.
- Can't this wait? - No, I'm hungry.
Dave, throw on a burger.
Horns off.
- I'm not going back.
- You want me to live here? No it's over between me and you.
Give me one good reason.
I don't have to.
I just don't love you any more.
I'm sorry, but I don't.
I mean I just can't cuddle up next to somebody if I don't have that special feeling.
Shelly, I just put new shocks on the truck.
It's smoother back there than a water bed! Sorry.
Take this away.
I can't eat now.
Look at it this way, at least we have Saskatchewan.
I mean, we didn't - we lost it.
Until you showed up.
At least now we're still friends.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah, I guess.
And besides, Cindy's got the hots for you.
- Yeah? - She always has.
Yeah, well, she oughta.
I'm the best stick man there is, including Gretzky.
- I'm really glad you showed up, Wayne.
- You are? Yeah.
I gotta get back to work.
I suppose I should hit the highway.
Get back to Cindy.
Yeah.
By the way, Shelly.
I'm a little low on gas money.
See you, Wayne.
When I mentioned that I would hear the results of the biopsy at 11 o'clock, what I meant was around 11 o'clock, you know? - Which could mean 11.
15, 11.
30.
- All right.
- Gotcha.
- It makes sense to me.
So, if you have somewhere else to be, I'll get in touch with you as soon as I hear.
- I'm all right.
- No problem.
Look, try Serrano again, and tell him I'll hold.
So anyway, how was Fairbanks? Fine.
Fine.
Just one of those unavoidable 24-hour runs.
You know the life of an Alaskan bush pilot.
Here today, Fairbanks tomorrow.
I think Rick phrased it the best: Unavoidable.
- Couldn't be helped.
- Yeah.
Oh! Did I tell you I happened to talk to my mom last night? - Really? How is she? - Fine.
Fine.
- She sends her love.
- Me too.
When I told her about your bump, do you know what she said? - No.
- No.
I'll be darned if she didn't say just the right thing again.
You know what she said? - No.
- No.
She said that we are gonna come out of this I mean, just happier than ever.
What did she say? How did she phrase it? Like "a bridge over troubled waters" or "a jaw broken but mended stronger than ever".
She said "The two of you will emerge from this as one solid, seamless bond.
" - Isn't that nice? - I love Mom.
Yeah.
Serrano on one.
We've only got one line! Phil.
Joel.
Yeah, give me what you got.
Huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Hmm? Uh-huh? OK, OK.
Thanks, Phil.
Yeah.
You are fine.
- Thank God! - Thank you, God.
- Thank God! - Oh, thank you, God! - Now get the hell out! - What? You thought it was me, and you ran like a rabbit.
- Maggie, I just thought - The O'Connell curse struck again, huh? - Maggie, sweetheart, I had a growth! - You had a bump you tried blamin' on me.
So fly away to Anchorage or Nome or Timbuktu for all I care.
Cos let me tell you somethin': You may not be dyin', but you're gone! Maggie, sweetheart Maggie! I heard Wayne went back to Canada.
Is someone in a neck brace speaking to me? - Because I have nothing to say to him.
- Shelly, honey Don't you "Shelly, honey" me.
Wayne's leaving had nothing to do with you, so don't get any ideas.
I am finished with men for the rest of my life.
But I admit I was wrong.
Well, it's too late.
You are out of my life for ever.
Agh! Ohhh! Are you all right? Lay your head on the bar.
(groans) Ah.
Oh, yeah.
- Better? - Mm-hm.
Maybe just a little to the left.
Yeah.
Ah.
Ah, yeah.
- Better? - Uh-huh.
Does this mean we can get back together? No! I'm only doing this because I don't like pain.
I got a lot of that, and I don't mean just in my neck either.
You should have thought about that.
Shelly, please! I am a man with his head on the bar.
You've flipped your last flop on me, Holling.
I never figured I'd be foolin' around with a married woman.
- I said - Agh! I forgot.
I know you did.
And I should have been with you through the thick and thin.
I am truly sorry I let you down.
I got myself in a real pickle, Shelly.
- Here I am, old enough to be your father - Grandfather.
and I'm head over heels over you.
I've lived my life out in the open, but I've kept my heart sheltered.
Then you appeared and turned me inside out.
I don't know whether I'm comin' or goin' any more.
I can't see straight, I can't think right.
What I believe, who I think I am, all of it comes to naught when it comes to you.
I may not know how to be with you, but I can't bear livin' without you.
I'm sorry I forgot I was married.
And as far as me and Wayne are concerned, he may be less than half as old as you are, but he's also less than half the man you are.
(kisses Holling and giggles) (flat) I saw my people I saw above me That endless skyway I saw below me That golden valley This land was made for you and me This land is your land This land is my land From California Why are you sitting directly above and behind me? Who died and made you chief?! I reserved seating.
Everything OK with you and Rick? - What is this, 20 questions? - Sorry! Touchy! (applause) Thank you.
All right, let's hear it for Enzo and the Native Americans! (applause) Beautiful! A piece of spiritual singing at its best.
Is everybody havin' a good time? Yeah, beautiful.
Before I bring on tonight's headliners, I got a few jokes hidden around somewhere, just cryin' to get out.
- Is he kidding? - What did you expect, Sitting Bull? - I thought this was a powwow? - No, it's more like a talent show.
Indians standin' on the East Coast, watchin' those first ships come in.
One Indian says to the other "That's our problem.
" "We don't have any immigration laws.
" - (muted laughter) - Hello! Anyway, before we had indoor plumbing we did all our celebrating outdoors.
Once we got electricity, I rigged up lights to all the outhouses, and became the first Indian to wire ahead for reservations! (isolated laughter) I'm outta here.
So anyway, without any further to-do, let's give a warm welcome to the little lady with bells on her toes: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Marilyn Whirlwind! (Indian music) "My movie.
" "An 18-year-old Indian named Ed lives in a town called Cicely.
" "Which is in Alaska, with a population of 839.
" "There's a gas station, barber's shop, Holling's Bar and a general store.
" "And everyone here gets along pretty well together.
"
- And a half.
- And a half.
(Shelly) Mmm.
Let's see.
That is nine pounds this month.
Which means by the time this baby is due you should put on about 80 pounds.
- Which means only one thing.
- It's a boy? Slow down.
You're eating like there is no tomorrow.
- You want your breakfast burrito back? - I want you to be able to do your jeans up.
I thought maybe they'd just shrunk.
- Is everything else OK? - Mm-hm.
- My breasts are growing.
- That's perfectly normal.
It's like they're bein' pumped up, you know? Like a tyre.
Holling says my nipples are as hard as sapphires.
Yeah, well OK.
Is that a question? - They can't get so big they'll burst? - No, they cannot do that.
Thank goodness.
- You got anything else to eat? - No, you've had my breakfast.
Unless you wanna wash it down with what's left of my coffee.
Nah.
Thank you.
Nothing personal, Dr Fleischman, but you don't use enough milk.
Just one more little thing, and then you are free to go.
Oh, please.
Please, no.
Not that, Dr Fleischman! - Shh.
- Please! Close your eyes.
Before you know it, it's all over.
Do you have to? I just hate needles.
I hate them so much.
There's no other way for me to draw blood.
I didn't do it last time cos you promised me this time I know, but Couldn't you take it from somebody else and say it's mine? You know I can't do that.
- (moans) - Shh-shh.
There's a Mars bar in that medicine cabinet with your name on it.
Mars bar? - Can I scream? - I'll shut the door.
- (Maurice) It is noise! - (Chris) What are you talkin' about? It's very melodic.
Indian music has its own very specific lyricisms.
(Maurice) It sounds like people are throwin' garbage cans around.
It's a lot of caterwaulin'.
It is noise.
- I like it - Put on a show tune, huh? "Carousel"? I like it when you play when you talk on the air.
I like it when you talk to people on the radio.
- I play the records, you run the station! - Play Schubert.
Play Edith Piaf.
Put somethin' on that's got somethin' to it! (Chris) I'm playin' what I wanna play.
(Maurice) The deal is, play what you want, as long as I like it.
- That's the deal? Forget it! - All right, forget it.
(evil laugh) Make my day.
(Maurice) Ed! Ed.
Are you all right, Ed? Huh? Out of the kindness of my heart, and against my better judgement, I've allowed you to come up here and use my Macintosh to work on that film script.
And what do I see as the sum total of all my well-intentioned efforts? A blank screen and a lot of wasted electricity.
What, you got writer's block, Ed? - I guess.
- (Maurice) Writer's block, my diddly! Give a stud a gun, a car.
Throw in a good-lookin' woman, then you've got yourself a movie.
Grope and kill.
Grope and kill.
Pretty soon they'll be namin' overstuffed sandwiches for you.
- Are you gonna finish the spuds? - Uh-uh.
Mind if I pick? - Holling says you're in a dance contest.
- Yes.
You think you can teach me the hippy-hop? It's Indian dancing.
Oh.
Never mind.
- Can I get you somethin'? - Yeah, I'm lookin' for Shelly Tambo.
She's in the kitchen.
Yeah, well, tell her Wayne's here to see her.
- Will she know what this is about? - She better.
- What are you doing here? - I could ask you the same thing.
I live here.
With him.
- I should have figured.
- And what's that supposed to mean? "You're always so immature, Wayne.
" - You are immature, Wayne.
- I was.
Maybe.
- But I'm mature now.
- Yeah, right.
- Like by dropping in unannounced? - I couldn't get to a phone.
- For 600 miles? - And I was in a hurry.
Shelly, I haven't had the pleasure of makin' the acquaintance of your friend.
No friend of mine.
This is Wayne.
Holling.
How do you do, Wayne? - How'd you find me anyways? - Cindy told me you were here.
- She told you that?! - I'll let you young people catch up.
She knew how mad I was at you for knocking out Jimmy.
Just cos he said I had nice legs! I wasn't the one rode home with Bucky.
I couldn't get far away from you fast enough.
Good! I'm glad.
- So why'd you follow me? - I'm not followin' you.
- I wanna marry Cindy.
- Cindy? Yeah.
And she wants to marry me too.
- She does? - She does.
But she's my best friend, Wayne! She was.
You haven't seen her in 18 months.
But you always said I was the pretty one and she was the bodyguard.
She's lost weight and her face has cleared up.
- She's much prettier than you are now.
- Well, then maybe you should marry her.
But I hope she realises how really immature you are.
I can't very well marry Cindy till I first divorce you.
(smash) I don't think they need a physical to renew my pilot's licence, but for insurance.
You've practically no blood pressure, less body fat, perfect vision, perfect teeth, perfect Perfect what? What? - What's this? - That? That's a pimple.
- No, it's not.
- It's not? I thought it was a pimple.
- It's not.
- What is it? It's a dermatofibroma.
A growth.
- You mean, like a tumour? - Uh-huh.
Is it tender? - No.
- How long have you noticed it? I don't know.
Months.
- Has it changed in shape or size? - I don't know.
I wouldn't get too concerned about it.
As we get older, cysts develop on our body.
Now, we don't know precisely why, but by and large they are benign, which, in all likelihood, this is.
- What if it's not? - I'm pretty sure it is.
- Well, what if it's not? Is it cancer? - It would be, yes.
But in my experience, I've seen this many times, and only once was it malignant.
The time that it was bad, is the person OK? - No, but - No? He's dead? - Yeah, but - How long did he live? - Six months, but - Six months?! Rick, don't make yourself crazy.
It's almost certainly - Maggie and I have been together a year.
- That that OK.
So? Before me there were a few others, Joel.
- Well, she's not exactly a kid.
- I mean, I'm not the first to go.
Oh.
I'm not saying this has anything to do with anything, but guys die on her.
That's a fact.
I never put too much stock in it, but they do.
Would you like me to remove the cyst and have it biopsied? Under the circumstances, that probably would be Can you do it now? - You forgot to tell me you were married?! - Yes.
Don't tell me you've never forgotten anything.
We were almost married, Shelly! Almost doesn't count in horseshoes or marriage.
Besides, me and Wayne aren't really married.
- You're not? - Course not.
We didn't have a wedding or anything like that.
I didn't even wear a dress.
There was just a judge that we woke up in the night cos Wayne had a few beers.
He was all worked up over some dumb hockey game.
He kept pushin' and pushin', so just to shut him up I said yes.
- What? - Orders are backing up.
Everybody'll just have to wait, then, won't they? OK! All right, I admit it.
I did have a crush on Wayne.
But that was high school.
What we did in cars and pick-ups, we didn't do it with our hearts, like you and me.
- Oh, I - You what? I feel bad enough about stealing you from Maurice.
I didn't know you were married.
You didn't steal me, Holling! I came to you, cos I wanted to.
- Would you please say something? - It's not right.
I don't know Why are you making such a big deal about this? We love each other.
Wayne just showed up cos he wants a divorce.
If he hadn't, you never would have known about him.
I don't think it's proper for a man to be living with another man's wife.
What are you tryin' to say, Holling? I think maybe we should be living apart, till your divorce comes through.
You do? OK.
So I'll just pack a few things and move out for a while.
No, it's your place.
I'll move out.
I gotta get back to work.
Malignant melanoma is an extremely rare form of cancer.
Extremely rare.
Statistically, I would say the odds are at least 100-1 - You said 1,000.
- I'm sorry, you're right.
1,000-1.
- But you have seen it before? - Yeah, once.
- And the patient is? - Dead.
- Yeah, but - Once it's in the lungs, I'm history.
True, but the odds are in your favour.
Right, well Well, what? Well, it's obvious this is much ado about nothing.
Clearly, you've blown this out of proportion.
- Dr Fleischman says you don't have it.
- He says probably I don't have it.
He said most likely.
The odds are 1,000-1.
Why would you be the one in a thousand? This is ridiculous.
You're not that special.
When do we know for sure? - Can I get you another one? - Yeah.
Make it a lite, I'm gettin' a gut.
- She's a pretty good waitress, I bet.
- Yes, she is.
She used to be able to line six plates up her forearm, five cups and five saucers, and not drop one - with one hand.
- She still do that? - What's that? That thing with the plates and cups? On occasion.
She's put on a couple of pounds.
Looks good on her.
- She's pregnant.
- You the daddy? - Uh-huh.
- I should've knocked her up myself.
Thought I did.
Slapshot right into the net.
Did she tell you? Course not.
Why would she? My wife, your baby.
Is this world goin' to hell, or what? Well, congratulations anyway.
I guess.
- I appreciate that.
- She ever mention me? Wayne Jones? Never did.
Boy, when she gets mad, she can sure hold a grudge.
- How old are you? - 20.
That's a whole lot different than 19.
- She still into hockey? - Ice hockey? Yeah.
I'm a hockey player.
I'd be playin' for the Flames by now if it wasn't for her.
She took the fire outta me.
I didn't wanna fight or stick.
I didn't wanna crush nobody's skull in.
Instead of goin' high in the draft, I go on a bender and get thrown in the can.
- That's a shame.
- Once I get this divorce thing settled, I'm gonna start kickin' some major-league butt.
I got a slapshot like you wouldn't believe, mister.
She was one lousy wife, you know that? But she's got more curves on that bod than the Stanley Cup.
(sighs) (as Ratso in "Midnight Cowboy") Non-specific urethritis.
It's not catchy, but you ought to keep the falcon under wraps for a while.
- You know what I'm talkin' about? - Yeah.
Hey! Hey! I'm crossin' here! I'm crossin' here! You don't talk to a learned physician that way! Same to you, pal! Can't wait to get that jerk in the examining room.
I got a barium enema for him.
I'll take you to Donald Trump, a friend of mine.
- You know Donald Trump? - I started him out in the business.
Oh, boy! OK, thanks.
All right.
Hey, Ed.
You mean to tell me her nipples are hard as sapphires, she's been eating like two horses, her breasts are growin' by leaps and bounds, and she's not pregnant?! - That's right.
- Joel, are you sure about this? - Absolutely.
- How can this be? Hysterical pregnancies are highly unusual.
Extremely unusual.
But apparently her body has convinced itself that it's pregnant with all the physical manifestations of pregnancy.
And yet, the fact is, her blood test indicates that she is not pregnant.
And the results, I'm afraid, are indisputable.
There is, however, no reason to assume that this means that next time you won't actually be pregnant.
It's for the best anyway.
I wouldn't wanna bring a baby into the world when her daddy's not sure he loves her momma.
Just cos her momma is married! Would you? - Thanks for letting me stay over, Maggie.
- No problem, Shelly.
Rick's in Fairbanks on business, so I'm glad to have the company.
How long does it take to get a divorce anyway? I don't know.
You hungry? No.
Thanks.
Ever since I found out I'm not pregnant, I don't seem to have an appetite.
- Why are they like that? - Who? Boys.
Beats the hell out of me.
They got rules about everything, that's got nothing to do with how anybody feels.
Then you break one of their stupid little rules, and they fall to pieces.
Yeah.
Yeah, Rick thinks I think he's in Fairbanks on business.
Yeah, right.
Like I don't know what he's really doin' in Fairbanks.
What is he doin' there? He thinks I'm killing him, the way I kill all the guys I go out with.
Which I don't.
I just have bad luck with men.
They do stupid things and die, and then I'm supposed to feel responsible? Of course not! If Wayne were dead, Holling would feel real bad for me.
But since he's alive, Holling's mad at me.
Doesn't make much sense, does it? Men don't make sense.
They think they do, but they don't.
- You know who makes sense? - Girls? Nobody.
Nobody makes any sense.
But at least females have the sense to know that and don't get bent out of shape about everything.
- (knock at door) - If that's Holling, tell him something! - I'm Wayne.
Is my wife here? - What do you want? - I wanna talk to you, that's what I want.
- You better not try anything immature.
- You hear? - Yes.
I won't.
Let him in.
It's OK, Maggie.
You can leave us alone.
Just put Fang outside until Wayne leaves.
- Fang.
- Who's Fang? A killer pit bull.
If I scream, shoot him.
Look I'm sorry your old man kicked you out cos I showed up.
- He is pretty old, though, Shelly.
- So? He's got longevity in his genes - something you probably don't even know what I'm talkin' about.
I hear you ain't pregnant neither.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
When I heard you was pregnant, I I felt bad.
I thought "How come this old guy can do it and I can't?" Couldn't.
- Remember? - Of course I remember.
I'm not senile.
Did you marry me cos you thought you was pregnant? No! Not that it matters now, but no.
I just have a tendency to get hysterically pregnant when I get a crush on a guy.
I don't know why.
It's an indisputable scientific fact of nature.
Huh? So you mean you did dig me? Do you think I would have done it with you in your pick-up, not to mention marry you, if I didn't like you? - Shelly? - What? I decided to give you another chance.
Not that I was plannin' on forgivin' you.
But you are my wife, and you're prettier than Cindy, so you can come home now.
I don't wanna come home! I am home.
I am the one that's being the big man here.
I'm forgivin' you.
Forgive yourself, Wayne! OK.
Just calm down, all right? Just think about what I'm saying.
We're married, Shelly.
We're husband and wife, remember? You don't wanna let bein' mad throw all that away, do you? Anyways, the guy kicked you out.
Shelly, you've got the best body of anybody I know.
And I'm gonna start playin' hockey again.
Don't you remember comin' to the hockey games? I never wanted to divorce you anyway.
My game has been all messed up because all I do is think about you all day.
Listen, I got a tank full of gas outside, and I'm ready to go.
I'll think about it.
Well, can I see you again before you give me an answer? You mean, like a date? It wouldn't really be like a date - we're married.
Yeah, that's true.
You'd better go now, Wayne.
I'm confused.
Good night, Shelly.
Sleep tight, don't let the beddy-bugs bite.
Good night, Wayne.
I appreciate you not gettin' fresh.
Yeah.
- Lookin' great! - I'm not in the mood, Fleischman.
I'm serious.
I'm payin' you a compliment.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Why? Because it's as flattering a haircut on you as it was on Dorothy.
Hamill.
Come on, you remember.
Innsbruck, winter of '76.
America's sweetheart.
I don't know who had it worse for her, me or Jim McKay.
I'm happy if we're able to conjure up a pleasant, if unfulfilled, fantasy.
Talk about a head of hair! Do you skate? Are you here for any particular reason? Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go to the powwow with me.
You're going?! Yeah.
Why not? I admit, I don't ordinarily march to the beat of a snare drum, but it is Marilyn, and with Rick away, you might want someone to chant with.
What's that supposed to mean? That crack about Rick being away.
- What crack? - Rick's got a little tumour.
- OK! - Nothing more, nothing less.
I don't want you makin' a bigger deal out of this than it is.
I just came in here to Thousands of people get tumours every day.
People I've never laid eyes on get tumours.
Some die, some don't.
That's just the way it is with tumours.
- I know.
I am a doctor, remember? - All finished.
I am very comfortable with who I am and what I may be putting out to the universe, and Rick did not skip town on some trumped-up trip to Fairbanks just to get away from me, Fleischman.
Tumours happen! - Look, O'Connell, I don't know what you - Keep it zipped, Fleischman, OK? I tell you I set a new record? Eight Double Fatburgers in an hour and a half? So? So, nobody puts on the feedbag like Wayne Jones.
There are more important things than Fatburgers.
I know.
Hockey and sex.
But there's still enough room on this planet for small talk.
- (rock song starts) - Remember this, Shelly? - Remember what? - Our song.
They're playin' our song.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
alone and in love on a pool table? If this guy doesn't quit staring at you, I'm gonna kick his butt in.
Would you please grow up? I'm not your squeeze any more.
But you are my wife, and if he doesn't quit starin', I'm gonna kick his butt in! Come on, they're playin' our song.
You know, I've still got our wedding picture, Shel.
Cindy didn't like it hangin' in the car, so I put it up over the bar at Keller's Place.
Let's dance real close.
Holling? Who's the kid? Why's he smearin' ketchup all over Shelly's ass? Agh! What the hell's the matter with you? - Feel pain? - No.
- Now? - No.
- Agh! - OK.
OK.
I've seen this sort of neck lock before, but they were stiffs on a slab and I had a crowbar.
- Has this ever happened in the past? - Once.
A bear tried to unscrew my head.
I don't remember it bein' this painful.
I suggest you square things with Shelly before you start pretzellin' up.
Joel, I may not be able to eat, sleep, or turn to the right, but Shelly is a married woman and her husband is in town.
To get a divorce, which Shelly not only agreed on, but wants.
They are dancin' cheek to cheek as we speak.
Is that right? So they're doin' a turn on the dance floor for old time's sake Look me in the eye, tell me you don't love each other.
Wait, look.
You broke up with Shelly at a very vulnerable time in her life.
She is probably feeling very confused.
- What would you do, Joel? - What would I do, what? If the same circumstances presented themselves to you and your fiancée.
What would I do if Elaine's husband showed up at our apartment door? Uh That's it's an interesting question, Holling.
I'd be more than happy to answer it, except that, uh we're not from Alaska.
We're from Flushing, which is in Queens, New York.
That sort of thing just doesn't happen in New York.
Well, of course, it does.
It just doesn't.
What would I do if Elaine's husband showed up at our apartment door? (Shelly and Wayne talking) (piano) Drop her.
- Says who? - Says me.
Drop her.
- You can't have her.
She's mine.
- I don't want her, you moron! But Holling does.
He doesn't pack an iron any more.
Me and him we're pals.
(Shelly and Wayne's song plays) (knocking at door) (knocking continues) (knocking) - Evenin', Shelly.
- You.
What happened to you?! Wayne didn't hi? Oh, no.
Nothin' like that.
It's just a little crick in my neck, is all.
I was wonderin' if I might have a word with you.
Well OK.
- How's the divorce comin' along? - The divorce? My divorce? Uh well, yes.
- Why? - Well, I been reconsidering the situation.
I think that under the circumstances we should overlook the marriage and get back together.
- Oh, yeah? - Yes.
I do.
- Why? - Well Wayne is a fine, fine young man with a bright future, but he did have that look in his eye when you two were dancin'.
I wouldn't want him to get the wrong idea.
- And what idea is that? - You know.
That we would let a silly little thing like a marriage vow come between us.
Were you spying on us? In my bar?! No.
Why shouldn't he have that look in his eye? After all, he is my husband.
Something that I didn't think was such a big deal, but you obviously do.
- Did.
- So maybe I won't get divorced.
Maybe I'll move back to Saskatchewan with Wayne.
If I can't count on you when something as piddly as a husband pops up, what happens when the really big stuff hits? So you can just forget it, Holling.
I don't care if your neck never gets better, cos you always hit the kerb making a right turn anyway.
How's the movie goin'? Not so well.
I don't think me and the new Hollywood should be in bed together.
- What? - You know, blockbusters.
$100m box office.
That's all they say they want down there these days.
- I don't think I have one of those in me.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
Thanks.
MTV says it all started with Steven and the shark.
Then came the extraterrestrial, and George brought us R2-D2, Indiana Jones, Batman, Dick Tracy.
Entertainment Tonight calls it "high concept".
- Hmm.
- Yeah, hmm.
I don't think I'm a high concept kind of guy.
Wait a minute, what about Woody Allen? - What about him? - Thought you told me he was a genius? Oh, yeah! Woody's my man.
Annie Hall, Manhattan, Stardust Memories Plus Take the Money and Run and Bananas.
Before he became ashamed of bein' funny.
Not to mention Crimes and Misdemeanors.
I never heard of that one.
It was only the best film of 1989! As far as I'm concerned.
- Is that on cassette yet? - I don't know.
But the point is, Woody Allen doesn't write blockbusters and Hollywood likes him.
Write like he writes.
Oh.
You mean a movie about neurotic intellectuals in New York.
No, I don't mean write what he writes.
Write the way he does.
He writes about things he knows.
Look, Woody Allen is Jewish and from New York, right? That's probably why he writes about it, because that's what he knows about.
You mean, like, it's easy for him? Yeah.
Sort of.
(Shelly and Wayne's song) Hey, Dave, I can't eat this breakfast.
These eggs look stupid.
Where's that little round bone in the ham? Shelly! What? I gotta work.
I want a hamburger.
I wanna know if we're goin' back to Canada too.
- Can't this wait? - No, I'm hungry.
Dave, throw on a burger.
Horns off.
- I'm not going back.
- You want me to live here? No it's over between me and you.
Give me one good reason.
I don't have to.
I just don't love you any more.
I'm sorry, but I don't.
I mean I just can't cuddle up next to somebody if I don't have that special feeling.
Shelly, I just put new shocks on the truck.
It's smoother back there than a water bed! Sorry.
Take this away.
I can't eat now.
Look at it this way, at least we have Saskatchewan.
I mean, we didn't - we lost it.
Until you showed up.
At least now we're still friends.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah, I guess.
And besides, Cindy's got the hots for you.
- Yeah? - She always has.
Yeah, well, she oughta.
I'm the best stick man there is, including Gretzky.
- I'm really glad you showed up, Wayne.
- You are? Yeah.
I gotta get back to work.
I suppose I should hit the highway.
Get back to Cindy.
Yeah.
By the way, Shelly.
I'm a little low on gas money.
See you, Wayne.
When I mentioned that I would hear the results of the biopsy at 11 o'clock, what I meant was around 11 o'clock, you know? - Which could mean 11.
15, 11.
30.
- All right.
- Gotcha.
- It makes sense to me.
So, if you have somewhere else to be, I'll get in touch with you as soon as I hear.
- I'm all right.
- No problem.
Look, try Serrano again, and tell him I'll hold.
So anyway, how was Fairbanks? Fine.
Fine.
Just one of those unavoidable 24-hour runs.
You know the life of an Alaskan bush pilot.
Here today, Fairbanks tomorrow.
I think Rick phrased it the best: Unavoidable.
- Couldn't be helped.
- Yeah.
Oh! Did I tell you I happened to talk to my mom last night? - Really? How is she? - Fine.
Fine.
- She sends her love.
- Me too.
When I told her about your bump, do you know what she said? - No.
- No.
I'll be darned if she didn't say just the right thing again.
You know what she said? - No.
- No.
She said that we are gonna come out of this I mean, just happier than ever.
What did she say? How did she phrase it? Like "a bridge over troubled waters" or "a jaw broken but mended stronger than ever".
She said "The two of you will emerge from this as one solid, seamless bond.
" - Isn't that nice? - I love Mom.
Yeah.
Serrano on one.
We've only got one line! Phil.
Joel.
Yeah, give me what you got.
Huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Hmm? Uh-huh? OK, OK.
Thanks, Phil.
Yeah.
You are fine.
- Thank God! - Thank you, God.
- Thank God! - Oh, thank you, God! - Now get the hell out! - What? You thought it was me, and you ran like a rabbit.
- Maggie, I just thought - The O'Connell curse struck again, huh? - Maggie, sweetheart, I had a growth! - You had a bump you tried blamin' on me.
So fly away to Anchorage or Nome or Timbuktu for all I care.
Cos let me tell you somethin': You may not be dyin', but you're gone! Maggie, sweetheart Maggie! I heard Wayne went back to Canada.
Is someone in a neck brace speaking to me? - Because I have nothing to say to him.
- Shelly, honey Don't you "Shelly, honey" me.
Wayne's leaving had nothing to do with you, so don't get any ideas.
I am finished with men for the rest of my life.
But I admit I was wrong.
Well, it's too late.
You are out of my life for ever.
Agh! Ohhh! Are you all right? Lay your head on the bar.
(groans) Ah.
Oh, yeah.
- Better? - Mm-hm.
Maybe just a little to the left.
Yeah.
Ah.
Ah, yeah.
- Better? - Uh-huh.
Does this mean we can get back together? No! I'm only doing this because I don't like pain.
I got a lot of that, and I don't mean just in my neck either.
You should have thought about that.
Shelly, please! I am a man with his head on the bar.
You've flipped your last flop on me, Holling.
I never figured I'd be foolin' around with a married woman.
- I said - Agh! I forgot.
I know you did.
And I should have been with you through the thick and thin.
I am truly sorry I let you down.
I got myself in a real pickle, Shelly.
- Here I am, old enough to be your father - Grandfather.
and I'm head over heels over you.
I've lived my life out in the open, but I've kept my heart sheltered.
Then you appeared and turned me inside out.
I don't know whether I'm comin' or goin' any more.
I can't see straight, I can't think right.
What I believe, who I think I am, all of it comes to naught when it comes to you.
I may not know how to be with you, but I can't bear livin' without you.
I'm sorry I forgot I was married.
And as far as me and Wayne are concerned, he may be less than half as old as you are, but he's also less than half the man you are.
(kisses Holling and giggles) (flat) I saw my people I saw above me That endless skyway I saw below me That golden valley This land was made for you and me This land is your land This land is my land From California Why are you sitting directly above and behind me? Who died and made you chief?! I reserved seating.
Everything OK with you and Rick? - What is this, 20 questions? - Sorry! Touchy! (applause) Thank you.
All right, let's hear it for Enzo and the Native Americans! (applause) Beautiful! A piece of spiritual singing at its best.
Is everybody havin' a good time? Yeah, beautiful.
Before I bring on tonight's headliners, I got a few jokes hidden around somewhere, just cryin' to get out.
- Is he kidding? - What did you expect, Sitting Bull? - I thought this was a powwow? - No, it's more like a talent show.
Indians standin' on the East Coast, watchin' those first ships come in.
One Indian says to the other "That's our problem.
" "We don't have any immigration laws.
" - (muted laughter) - Hello! Anyway, before we had indoor plumbing we did all our celebrating outdoors.
Once we got electricity, I rigged up lights to all the outhouses, and became the first Indian to wire ahead for reservations! (isolated laughter) I'm outta here.
So anyway, without any further to-do, let's give a warm welcome to the little lady with bells on her toes: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Marilyn Whirlwind! (Indian music) "My movie.
" "An 18-year-old Indian named Ed lives in a town called Cicely.
" "Which is in Alaska, with a population of 839.
" "There's a gas station, barber's shop, Holling's Bar and a general store.
" "And everyone here gets along pretty well together.
"