Northern Exposure s06e19 Episode Script
Balls
To protect herself from what? Exposure and assassination.
You see, Mr.
Fandio, she's one of our agents.
Oh, no.
I know you didn't mean it, but I'm afraid you have put her in an extremely dangerous situation.
Great shot.
Notice how Hitch pushes in and then throws the light on him.
I just finished the entertainment center.
A Mitsubishi, big screen.
Maurice, you know my daughter.
Hi, Mr.
Minnifield.
Heather, Ed.
Maurice.
Oh, I'm gonna do the sump pump first thing tomorrow.
Is it digital? No, THX, just like at the Four-plex.
Oh, you should see Top Gun on this, Maurice.
Six speakers, surround-sound.
It's just like being down on the carrier deck.
Imagine that.
Well, come on, Maurice.
I'm sure the espresso's ready.
Enjoy yourselves and try to remember the coasters next time.
Yes, Daddy.
Just a second, you.
Stay away from me.
Let me go.
Let go of me.
Ed.
Stay away from me! Let go! Let go! Shouldn't we get coasters or something? Ed.
Oh, you little fooI.
Hey, Cicely, Chris in the Morning bringing you another hour of home-cooked karma.
Coming at you through the miracle of modern technology, namely my trusty Ampex reeI-to-reeI.
Why the out-of-body experience? Get serious, sports fans, it's bowling time! Your hometown keglers, the Cicely Sweethearts, defend their championship title next Saturday at the annuaI borough of arrowhead mixed doubles invitationaI.
We're practicing all week at Mary Jane's Lanes in Cantwell, so pack up the kids, grab your Brunswick, and come on down.
Whoa! Yeah! Baby! Beautiful! You like that, huh? Very nice.
All right! I got the next round.
Okay.
Nice ball, Hayden.
Right in the pocket.
Hey, how come you're not bowling this year? Oh, you know.
Fleischman and I used to be a team, sort of, not that he was any good.
Mr.
Seven-ten split and whined a lot.
Anyway, Ruth-Anne asked me to keep score, so Well, you know what they say.
Life throws you a gutter ball, you gotta slap on the old rosin bag, and step up to the line.
Hey, Hayden, did you pick up the nine pin? No.
Next time.
Hey, Chris, you're up.
Okay.
I want to see you get back in the game.
I mean it.
Thanks.
Okay, Michelle, knock 'em down! Four in a row! Yeah.
That babe can bowl! Hey, Philip, mon ami, you've been holding out on us! She's pretty good, huh? Good? I haven't seen a woman crank it up like that since Esther Johanssen retired her ball two years ago.
Find one you like, honey? Yeah.
I think so.
The other one was giving me a little blister.
These shoes are pinching, though, you know? I'm really glad we did this.
Thanks for talking me into it, sweetie.
Hey, Phil! I'm up.
Yeah.
Steady as she goes, Doc.
Try to stay out of the gutter this time.
Steady.
Well done, Ed! Anacleto.
Thank you, Mr.
Haynes.
I enjoy a good hunt.
Yeah.
Keeps one in touch with tribal values.
Oh, absolutely.
Oh, how do you like your veal, Ed? A little pink? Oh, pink is good.
Pellegrino, okay? Fine.
Say, I really appreciate you bringing me along, Mr.
Haynes.
Hey, it was a pleasure, Ed.
Lemon? Lime? So, tell me, how's the film business these days? It's kind of on the backburner right now, Mr.
Haynes.
Really? Yeah.
Well, I have a script, you know, making the rounds in L.
A.
Couple nibbles, but it's kind of hard when you're not there to press the flesh as it were.
Well, you know, I always wondered what would it take to produce something like that.
I read stories in the Wall Street JournaI.
What? Eight, nine million? Oh, no.
It'd be more like $500,000, Mr.
Haynes.
'Course Quentin Tarantino spent two million on Reservoir Dogs, but I don't have nearly as many bullets as he did.
$500,000? Say, could I read this script of yours? Oh, sure.
Why? Well, I just might have a proposition for you.
Really? After all, entertainment software is the wave of the future.
Up till now, the right opportunity just hasn't presented itself.
Well, I think you'd like this script, Mr.
Haynes.
It's called The Shaman, and it's all about this shaman who has to choose between his tribe and the big city.
There's a love story in it, fair amount of jeopardy and pace, too.
Well, which, of course, could be dialed up if you felt like it wasn't enough or something.
Well, say, why don't you drop it by this evening? And I'll read it tonight.
Great! All right.
Come on.
Trollope was a bore.
Are you kidding? No.
Trollope's greatness was his complete appreciation of the usual.
Where'd you hear that? Henry James.
Oh, there's high praise.
Trollope shows us the people of his time.
It's like a window on another world.
And don't overlook the satirical value.
The Barsetshire Novels, full of satire.
What? You should re-read The Warden, Chris.
It's a lot of fun.
Yeah, okay.
Sure.
Where'd you get that great spin on the ball? Oh, it was my sophomore year of high school.
Lenny Valdez.
My parents nearly died when I went out with him.
Trouble, huh? He was two years older, had an accent and drove a low-rider.
Oh yeah! You bet! Oh, we had some good times, though.
A lot of late nights at the Strike 'N Spare.
You never told me about him.
Oh, didn't I? No.
You mean you haven't bowled since high school? Well, you know, college, nobody bowled.
It wasn't exactly something you bragged about.
Hell, I'd brag about it.
You picked up that eight-ten split, I said to Ruth-Anne, "This gal's taking us to the top!" Oh, I'll try.
I thought you dusted every Tuesday.
What? I said those shelves are an abomination.
I'll do 'em tomorrow, Maurice.
Tomorrow? Yeah.
Well, I gotta pick Heather up in 15 Minutes.
Tell her you'll be late.
Oh, I can't do that, Maurice.
She's on her way back from dance class.
Look, son, where I come from it's work first, and play later.
Oh.
I'll put in an extra hour tomorrow, Maurice, I promise.
Oh, I can't.
I forgot, we're going shopping over in Sitka tomorrow.
You're seeing an awful lot of this gal, aren't you? Yeah, I am.
Well Take a piece of advice.
I'd back off, if I were you.
Oh, why is that? Because you don't want to get too involved.
Oh.
Look, son, you've got a lot of options in your future, but, Heather Haynes ain't one of 'em.
Oh, why is that, Maurice? Why? Well How am I gonna put this? You fly in different flocks, sometimes opposites attract but Maurice, Heather and I happen to really like each other.
Well, liking's fine, as long as that's as far as it goes.
I'm only looking out for your own best interests, son.
Oh, no, you're not! You're just mad because I've been spending so much time over there.
Ed, do you think that Lester Haynes raised his only daughter, sent her to Cantwell Country Day, junior year at Barcelona to end up with Ed Chigliak? Look, that didn't come out quite the way I wanted it to, Ed, but I gotta go now, Maurice.
Ed, look, I didn't mean Oh! What do you think? You look good.
Are you kidding? It's fabulous.
You really like the Donna Karan? Which one was that? The red.
Oh, definitely.
Heather? Hmm? I was wondering if you'd like to go steady? Go steady? That's kind of an old-fashioned concept, isn't it, Ed? Oh, well, we could call it whatever you wanted.
What I just mean something, you know, to let people know we're serious about each other.
Well, like, you know, if you could If you could just wear this around your neck.
Okay.
Oh, really? Sure.
Oh, great! Here you go.
You're so funny sometimes.
Here we go.
One more, please.
What's going on, Chris? Maggie needs a new partner and I'm having try-outs, Ruth-Anne.
One more, please.
Okay I notice that you're favoring your left side.
Recent injury? No, just my style, I guess.
Married? Was.
Ever bowl mixed doubles? Nope.
Last book read? The Sum of AII Fears by Tom Clancy.
Any past life experiences or O.
O.
B.
s you might want to tell me about? Out-of-body occurrences? Not really.
If chosen, you'll have to cover your own shirt and lane expenses.
That gonna be a problem? No.
Okay, thank you.
We'll be in touch.
Next.
Good luck.
Orders of the day.
You can start with the composter.
What's this? "Due to prevailing circumstances, "effective immediately, I will no longer be available for employment.
" You mean you're giving notice? I think it's time I moved on, Maurice.
Moved on where? To other opportunities.
Look, son, I used a poor choice of words.
This whole thing with Heather's got you bumfuzzled, son.
Why don't you take a couple of days off? Lester's gonna produce my movie.
Oh, is that a fact? He believes in me, Maurice.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? It means he supports what I'm doing.
And I don't? Look, son, I've been supporting you since you were 12 years old.
That's not enough support for you? Maurice, all you think I'm good for is dusting your shelves and sweeping your floors.
Now that is not true! I gave you the full budget for the Cicely film festival and you pissed it away.
A man has got to earn his opportunities, Ed.
Where I come from Yeah, Maurice, I'm sick of where you come from! You're wrong about Lester and you know what? You're wrong about me, too! Hey, Maggie, do you remember Bob Pickering, archeology professor at UA Fairbanks? Fleischman's mammoth, right? The alleged Fleischman's mammoth.
Right.
It's just another in a long line of famous "no-fossil" cases.
You mind if we sit down? Go ahead.
You know, Bob's in the area doing some field research.
See, I'm checking Altithermals in the Pleistocene Period.
Yeah, not to mention he's a league bowler.
No kidding.
What can I say? I grew up in Milwaukee.
Oh.
Well, listen, we need a pair of alternate bowlers on the team so I thought you and Bob could maybe team up.
Oh, I don't know.
I mean, nothing personal at all.
She's not interested Hey You don't have to do anything.
Just bowl.
Just see if there's a basic bowling compatibility there.
Hey, Maggie, you wanna bowl.
You know you do.
Well, yeah, but Well, you sure you don't mind? Oh, it beats looking at fossilized rodent remains every night.
Oh! Well Okay.
I guess it wouldn't hurt.
Well, all right.
Cool.
I'll get us a round.
What do you think, Phil? The blue or the brown? Blue.
Really? I kind of like the brown.
Then go with the brown.
I think I will.
You know, honey, I don't think this whole bowling thing is really for me.
What do you mean? Well, don't get me wrong.
I think it's great that you've gotten into it and everything, and you should keep bowling if you want to, but maybe we ought to get you another partner.
Well, why? I want to bowl with you.
That's why we signed up in the first place, to do something together.
Yeah, I'm just not really enjoying it, that's all.
Oh.
You know what it is? I'll tell you.
It's those shoes.
Oh, what? Oh, gee.
I have always hated bowling shoes.
You know, the green and then the red and the blue.
They're like Bozo the Clown shoes.
And that's not the worst part.
The worst part is you gotta put your feet in these things that have been rented out continuously since the Eisenhower administration.
Hey, have you ever seen a new pair of bowling shoes? I don't think they exist.
They're like VWs.
They just get recycled.
We're talking magnets for fungal infection.
You're joking, right? Oh, no, they don't disinfect those things.
They just put 'em right back up on the shelves.
I am sure we can find you your own pair, Phil.
Oh, no.
No, count me out! Hey, it took me three years to get my first pair of ski boots, and that's something I love.
I'm certainly not gonna spend 50 bucks or whatever on a pair of clown shoes I intend to use once and never wear again.
Let me understand this.
You don't want to bowl because of the shoes? Can I wear my tennis shoes? 'Cause if I can wear my Nikes You know you can't wear tennis shoes, Phil.
You need the leather soles to slide.
And you can't bowl in your socks, either.
Tell the truth.
You just don't want to bowl, period.
Well, that's not really true.
Yes, it is! Okay! Okay! Is that such a crime? I admit it, all right! I feel like an idiot up there.
But listen, if that doesn't matter to you, I'll do it, okay? Fine.
I'll bowl.
Don't bother.
Oh, what are you mad about? I'm just being honest.
Yeah.
Right.
Can I help it if I don't like it? What do you want from me? How about a little support? I'm being very supportive.
I didn't say you shouldn't bowl.
This isn't about bowling, Phil.
What are you talking about? It's about bowling.
It's only about bowling.
Well, if that's what you think, then maybe you're right! Maybe I do need another partner! What? Michelle! Michelle, come on! You're being ridiculous.
You're just jealous, Phil! I don't believe this! We're arguing because you think I'm jealous of your bowling ability? I knew you were insecure, Phil.
I just never knew how deep it went.
This is nuts! I should've seen this a long time ago.
Seen what? Michelle, you're making so much more out of this than you have to.
Will you come on out of the car? Michelle! You're not going anywhere, Michelle! Take it out of gear! Don't drive away! Michelle! Michelle! Strange but true, Cicely, bowling started in church.
Seems certain athletically-inclined parishioners in Germany, around 200 A.
D.
, would roll a stone down the aisle and knock over a club representing the devil.
From there, it was just a hop, skip and a jump to bowling for dollars.
Weird, huh? It's 9.
50 out of 10.
Thank you.
Bye, Ruth-Anne.
Can I help you, Maurice? Huh? Oh Ed left this over at the house I should've repaired that.
Anyway, could you see that he gets this? Be glad to.
Thanks.
Ruth-Anne, would you also ask him what he wants me to do with his share of the salmon we got on that last trip? It was quite a bit of fish.
We had a good trip! It's no problem if he wants me to keep it in my freezer, but if he'd prefer, I'll transfer it over to Holling's.
He told me what happened, Maurice.
What you said and what he said.
I know you were only trying to help.
It's no skin off my nose.
I mean, I've been supporting the kid since he was this high.
Kind of a burden off my shoulders.
Philip.
What can I get for you? Oh, uh Just a cup of coffee, thanks.
I understand Michelle is staying upstairs.
Yeah.
She asked if she could use the spare room for a while.
Well, I think "a while" is probably pushing it, Holling.
She'll be coming home real soon.
She gave me money for the entire week.
On the other hand, it's probably a good idea to get a little break from each other every now and then, you know, it's healthy.
Couldn't agree more.
She didn't say anything, did she? No.
Well, she did ask if the meals come with the room.
They don't.
Hey, Doc, are you and the missus still in the tournament, since the split? What? We haven't split, Hayden.
We just had a little argument, that's all.
Happily married couples do that, you know.
And I'd appreciate you keeping your nose out of my personal business, if that's all right with you.
Just asking.
I should probably go talk to her, huh? She's just up the stairs.
Who is it? It's me.
I don't want to talk right now, Phil.
Well, could you at least open the door? Hey.
Look, about last night Things got a little out of hand.
We both said things.
This is for you.
It's a new bowling ball.
It's a Hammer.
They tell me it's the best.
Blue pearlized urethane.
You just bring it in to the pro shop in Cantwell, they'll drill it for you.
Thanks.
I drove over there myself this morning.
Had to borrow Maurice's four-by.
Log truck blew a tire in front of me on Route 6, I nearly got splattered! This is what we do, isn't it? We fight and then we buy each other bowling balls.
This is the first bowling ball I've bought you, Michelle.
Ever.
And there you go.
Where? There I go where? Missing the point.
What is your point, Michelle? I mean, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say I'm sorry? I'm sorry.
Okay? I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry.
Look, if you don't want the ball, just give it to me.
I'll return it.
I don't know what I want, Phil.
Look How about bowling practice today? I can't bowl, Phil.
I don't know how you can even suggest it.
Mr.
Haynes? Ed.
Come in.
Have a seat.
Listen, you want some coffee or juice? Oh, that's okay.
Listen, I've taken the liberty of drawing up a preliminary budget.
Great.
And I bow to your expertise, Ed, but based on a 25-day-shoot, I I think we can bring this in at under $400,000.
Can you do it in 25 days? Oh, absolutely.
Well, good.
Have a seat.
Of course, I do have one or two notes.
Sure.
Listen, I read that script three times now, Ed, and you've created a brilliant premise, which is why I find the ending such a disappointment.
Oh, but the shaman gets the girl.
Exactly.
I don't follow you, Mr.
Haynes.
Well, you've painted a picture of two different cultures, Ed, two different worlds, really.
On one hand, a Native American from a small fishing village, on the other, a sophisticated girl from the city.
Do you really think two such people could find lasting happiness together? Well, of course, you know, Richard Gere and Julia Roberts they did it in Pretty Woman.
Dudley Moore, Liza Minnelli, Arthur, Johnny Weissmuller, Maureen O'Hara in Tarzan.
Those are fantasy, Ed.
This has truth, grit.
Do you want to sacrifice that for a Hollywood cliché? Well, when you put it like that Well, think of your own life, Ed.
It's just not very realistic, is it? What isn't? The ending.
I don't get you, Mr.
Haynes.
Well, take you and Heather.
Okay.
Innocent flirtation is one thing, but we both know that relationship isn't going anywhere.
Not seriously.
And why is that, Mr.
Haynes? Well, you come from entirely different backgrounds.
It's in there, Ed.
Except for the ending.
In the end, the shaman returns to his people without the girl.
Sadder, but wiser, and ready to become a great leader.
I don't know if I can change the ending of my script, Mr.
Haynes.
Look, I want to make your movie, Ed.
But we need to understand each other first.
The shaman does not get the girl.
Now if you're ready to accept my changes, I'm ready to write out a check today.
If not Well Think it over.
Feel like gyros? Yeah, that sounds great.
Hey, April, listen, I'm gonna meet you over there.
Why don't you, get us some grape leaves and I'll be a minute.
Sure.
Hey.
Guess I'm a little rusty, huh? Yeah, well You're using too much wrist.
You know, it's throwing off your rhythm.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Definitely.
More arm, less wrist.
Why don't you put your knee Into it? A little bend and get that ball and your backswing.
Here.
Okay.
Okay, keep it higher.
Higher.
There.
That's good.
That is? Yeah.
I hope onion rings are all right.
They were out of fries.
Hey, Bob! Hey, Chris.
Hey! Just giving Maggie some pointers.
Okay.
Great.
Would you care to join us? I've got plenty of rings.
No.
I gotta go.
See you.
I'll see you.
Seat taken? She hasn't come down all day.
Won't even talk to me.
Is that how a marriage ends? Not with a bang, but with a whimper? You know, yesterday, I would've said I was a happily married man.
But now? I'm sitting in a crummy bar in a cruddy town in the middle of nowhere.
No wife, no money, no future! It's all turned to crap.
And why? Because of bowling.
An alleged recreational activity that requires no physical skill or strategy whatsoever.
I've lost my entire life to the sport of imbeciles.
I know how you feel.
The other day, I was working a trap line on the Green River.
Fell through the ice right up to my waist.
Nearly froze to death.
That's not the same thing.
It isn't? I hate him! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him! I guess he just doesn't think we're a very good match.
He is such a control freak.
I mean, do I have my own life or not? At least he liked the script.
Daddy wouldn't know a good script if it bit him in the butt.
You know what his favorite move is? Ghost.
He did the same thing when I was going out with Todd McKelvey.
What? Daddy offered him a motorcycle if he'd dump me.
Red Kawasaki? My folks are having major company tonight.
We'll crash it.
You know, hold hands, real kissy-poo.
Oh, and I'll wear those grungy jeans I have with the holes in the knees.
Daddy hates those.
I don't know if that's such a good idea, Heather.
Oh, what do you mean? It's an absolutely great idea.
Well, yeah.
But maybe we should just try talking to him.
You can't talk to my dad.
He's a caveman.
Besides this is more fun.
Yeah, but we're just gonna make him mad, Heather.
So what? He needs to know he can't control my life.
Oh, but Well, I mean, we need to tell him about us, too, right? What? You know, that we're steady.
That we're serious about each other.
Oh, right.
Sure.
I knew this was coming.
It was only a matter of time.
Really? Are you kidding? Me going out with Ed Chigliak? Oh! I'm surprised he put up with it this long.
You've the latest Soundgarden, right? Heavy metal drives him up the wall.
No, wait! Rap.
He hates that even more.
Snoop Doggy Dogg.
Yes! Hey, there, sports fans.
Chris in the Morning with a late-breaking bowling update.
Despite rumors of reconciliation, the team of Doc and Michelle Capra will not be competing at the mixed doubles invitationaI in Cantwell today.
That's right.
The last-minute scratch deals a serious blow to the Cicely Sweethearts' chances of retaining the doubles title, but team spirits remain high.
Says manager Ruth-Anne Miller, "We may be going down, but we're doing it with our wristbands on!" All right! Knock 'em down, Sweethearts! Michelle? We need to bowl.
What? Those are our friends out there and they're counting on us.
Two days ago, you said Yeah, I know, two days ago we both said a lot of things, okay.
But, this isn't about us.
This is about commitment, all right.
About belonging to a team.
Now whatever problems you and I are experiencing, it just shouldn't matter.
The Oakland A's won the World Series three years In a row.
'72 to '74 they hated each other.
The point is they were a team and our team needs us.
They need you, Michelle.
Besides, it's not healthy for you to just stay in here all day.
You need some fresh air.
You need outside contact.
Hey, we don't even have to talk if you don't want to, but we need to bowl.
I'll get the Hammer.
Yes! You didn't get those two pins? Oh! Not bad.
Come on, Marsha! You can do it! Marsha, come on! Yes! Yeah! I messed up.
It's all right.
That's pathetic! What? What? You didn't see that? Looks pretty good to me.
Oh, come on.
This guy doesn't put the ball down in the same place twice.
He's lucky.
Very good! Earl, you're up! Mr.
Haynes.
Ed.
Heather's at her riding lesson.
I came to see you, Mr.
Haynes.
Well, come in.
I gather you and Heather had a little disagreement last night.
She was expecting you for dinner.
Well, I don't think I'll be having too many more dinners, Mr.
Haynes.
Oh, why is that? Well, for one thing, Heather and I aren't going steady anymore.
And for another thing, I've decided that I don't want you to produce my movie.
Now don't get me wrong, I appreciate your interest and everything.
I even took a few of your notes.
I just don't think I can make a film with someone who doesn't think I'm good enough for his daughter.
No.
You're twisting my words, Ed.
I was talking long-term compatibility.
There was no value judgment involved.
Whatever.
Frankly, I'm confused, Ed.
If you and Heather are through, I don't see what's to stop us from proceeding.
Yeah.
Well, thanks anyway, Mr.
Haynes.
Oh, Mr.
Haynes, I think you and your daughter ought to have a little talk sometime.
That's your best game yet.
Looking good.
Yeah, I'm starting to get the rhythm, I think.
By my count, we're only 18 pins behind Sitka.
One game to go, sweetheart.
It's up to you.
Okay.
Do it, Michelle.
So what do you think? Think about what? Coming home.
I need time, Phil.
Come on, Capra! Get the ball moving! I'm sorry.
Come back! Come back! Come back! I picked up the seven pin.
Hmm? I got the spare.
Oh, hey! All right.
Great.
Let's see, what was your first ball? Here, let me.
Chris, this has gotta stop.
What? I'm not blind, Chris.
I can see what's going on.
You don't want to bowl with me.
You want to bowl with her.
Huh? You haven't taken your eyes off Maggie since the moment we got here.
Well, look, April, you know We always said we'd be honest with each other.
I won't hold you back.
And I can't keep bowling with someone who's not there.
Hey, we're partners.
You and me, okay? Partners change.
Go.
Watch this strike.
It was a naiI-biter to the end, folks, but Michelle Schowdoski Capra came through with a 267 in the finaI game to put your locaI heroes over the top by three points.
Unscrew those winecaps, Cicely.
Your sweethearts are champs again! Ed? Hi, Maurice.
I didn't know you were here.
Still had the keys.
Well, what about your movie? Oh, that fell through.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Ed.
That's okay, Maurice.
What? What's the matter? Oh, Maurice, you know that crystal globe thing you had sitting on that bookshelf by the Britannicas? Yeah, my NASA commemorative.
Where is it? It's right there.
I was turning to dust the bookshelf, you know I'm sorry, Maurice.
Ah, that's okay.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Maurice! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, Maurice.
Oh, Maurice It's okay.
It was great.
So, what do you do around here when you're not being jilted? I'm not sure.
Hmm? What? Did you say something? No.
I thought you said something.
You see, Mr.
Fandio, she's one of our agents.
Oh, no.
I know you didn't mean it, but I'm afraid you have put her in an extremely dangerous situation.
Great shot.
Notice how Hitch pushes in and then throws the light on him.
I just finished the entertainment center.
A Mitsubishi, big screen.
Maurice, you know my daughter.
Hi, Mr.
Minnifield.
Heather, Ed.
Maurice.
Oh, I'm gonna do the sump pump first thing tomorrow.
Is it digital? No, THX, just like at the Four-plex.
Oh, you should see Top Gun on this, Maurice.
Six speakers, surround-sound.
It's just like being down on the carrier deck.
Imagine that.
Well, come on, Maurice.
I'm sure the espresso's ready.
Enjoy yourselves and try to remember the coasters next time.
Yes, Daddy.
Just a second, you.
Stay away from me.
Let me go.
Let go of me.
Ed.
Stay away from me! Let go! Let go! Shouldn't we get coasters or something? Ed.
Oh, you little fooI.
Hey, Cicely, Chris in the Morning bringing you another hour of home-cooked karma.
Coming at you through the miracle of modern technology, namely my trusty Ampex reeI-to-reeI.
Why the out-of-body experience? Get serious, sports fans, it's bowling time! Your hometown keglers, the Cicely Sweethearts, defend their championship title next Saturday at the annuaI borough of arrowhead mixed doubles invitationaI.
We're practicing all week at Mary Jane's Lanes in Cantwell, so pack up the kids, grab your Brunswick, and come on down.
Whoa! Yeah! Baby! Beautiful! You like that, huh? Very nice.
All right! I got the next round.
Okay.
Nice ball, Hayden.
Right in the pocket.
Hey, how come you're not bowling this year? Oh, you know.
Fleischman and I used to be a team, sort of, not that he was any good.
Mr.
Seven-ten split and whined a lot.
Anyway, Ruth-Anne asked me to keep score, so Well, you know what they say.
Life throws you a gutter ball, you gotta slap on the old rosin bag, and step up to the line.
Hey, Hayden, did you pick up the nine pin? No.
Next time.
Hey, Chris, you're up.
Okay.
I want to see you get back in the game.
I mean it.
Thanks.
Okay, Michelle, knock 'em down! Four in a row! Yeah.
That babe can bowl! Hey, Philip, mon ami, you've been holding out on us! She's pretty good, huh? Good? I haven't seen a woman crank it up like that since Esther Johanssen retired her ball two years ago.
Find one you like, honey? Yeah.
I think so.
The other one was giving me a little blister.
These shoes are pinching, though, you know? I'm really glad we did this.
Thanks for talking me into it, sweetie.
Hey, Phil! I'm up.
Yeah.
Steady as she goes, Doc.
Try to stay out of the gutter this time.
Steady.
Well done, Ed! Anacleto.
Thank you, Mr.
Haynes.
I enjoy a good hunt.
Yeah.
Keeps one in touch with tribal values.
Oh, absolutely.
Oh, how do you like your veal, Ed? A little pink? Oh, pink is good.
Pellegrino, okay? Fine.
Say, I really appreciate you bringing me along, Mr.
Haynes.
Hey, it was a pleasure, Ed.
Lemon? Lime? So, tell me, how's the film business these days? It's kind of on the backburner right now, Mr.
Haynes.
Really? Yeah.
Well, I have a script, you know, making the rounds in L.
A.
Couple nibbles, but it's kind of hard when you're not there to press the flesh as it were.
Well, you know, I always wondered what would it take to produce something like that.
I read stories in the Wall Street JournaI.
What? Eight, nine million? Oh, no.
It'd be more like $500,000, Mr.
Haynes.
'Course Quentin Tarantino spent two million on Reservoir Dogs, but I don't have nearly as many bullets as he did.
$500,000? Say, could I read this script of yours? Oh, sure.
Why? Well, I just might have a proposition for you.
Really? After all, entertainment software is the wave of the future.
Up till now, the right opportunity just hasn't presented itself.
Well, I think you'd like this script, Mr.
Haynes.
It's called The Shaman, and it's all about this shaman who has to choose between his tribe and the big city.
There's a love story in it, fair amount of jeopardy and pace, too.
Well, which, of course, could be dialed up if you felt like it wasn't enough or something.
Well, say, why don't you drop it by this evening? And I'll read it tonight.
Great! All right.
Come on.
Trollope was a bore.
Are you kidding? No.
Trollope's greatness was his complete appreciation of the usual.
Where'd you hear that? Henry James.
Oh, there's high praise.
Trollope shows us the people of his time.
It's like a window on another world.
And don't overlook the satirical value.
The Barsetshire Novels, full of satire.
What? You should re-read The Warden, Chris.
It's a lot of fun.
Yeah, okay.
Sure.
Where'd you get that great spin on the ball? Oh, it was my sophomore year of high school.
Lenny Valdez.
My parents nearly died when I went out with him.
Trouble, huh? He was two years older, had an accent and drove a low-rider.
Oh yeah! You bet! Oh, we had some good times, though.
A lot of late nights at the Strike 'N Spare.
You never told me about him.
Oh, didn't I? No.
You mean you haven't bowled since high school? Well, you know, college, nobody bowled.
It wasn't exactly something you bragged about.
Hell, I'd brag about it.
You picked up that eight-ten split, I said to Ruth-Anne, "This gal's taking us to the top!" Oh, I'll try.
I thought you dusted every Tuesday.
What? I said those shelves are an abomination.
I'll do 'em tomorrow, Maurice.
Tomorrow? Yeah.
Well, I gotta pick Heather up in 15 Minutes.
Tell her you'll be late.
Oh, I can't do that, Maurice.
She's on her way back from dance class.
Look, son, where I come from it's work first, and play later.
Oh.
I'll put in an extra hour tomorrow, Maurice, I promise.
Oh, I can't.
I forgot, we're going shopping over in Sitka tomorrow.
You're seeing an awful lot of this gal, aren't you? Yeah, I am.
Well Take a piece of advice.
I'd back off, if I were you.
Oh, why is that? Because you don't want to get too involved.
Oh.
Look, son, you've got a lot of options in your future, but, Heather Haynes ain't one of 'em.
Oh, why is that, Maurice? Why? Well How am I gonna put this? You fly in different flocks, sometimes opposites attract but Maurice, Heather and I happen to really like each other.
Well, liking's fine, as long as that's as far as it goes.
I'm only looking out for your own best interests, son.
Oh, no, you're not! You're just mad because I've been spending so much time over there.
Ed, do you think that Lester Haynes raised his only daughter, sent her to Cantwell Country Day, junior year at Barcelona to end up with Ed Chigliak? Look, that didn't come out quite the way I wanted it to, Ed, but I gotta go now, Maurice.
Ed, look, I didn't mean Oh! What do you think? You look good.
Are you kidding? It's fabulous.
You really like the Donna Karan? Which one was that? The red.
Oh, definitely.
Heather? Hmm? I was wondering if you'd like to go steady? Go steady? That's kind of an old-fashioned concept, isn't it, Ed? Oh, well, we could call it whatever you wanted.
What I just mean something, you know, to let people know we're serious about each other.
Well, like, you know, if you could If you could just wear this around your neck.
Okay.
Oh, really? Sure.
Oh, great! Here you go.
You're so funny sometimes.
Here we go.
One more, please.
What's going on, Chris? Maggie needs a new partner and I'm having try-outs, Ruth-Anne.
One more, please.
Okay I notice that you're favoring your left side.
Recent injury? No, just my style, I guess.
Married? Was.
Ever bowl mixed doubles? Nope.
Last book read? The Sum of AII Fears by Tom Clancy.
Any past life experiences or O.
O.
B.
s you might want to tell me about? Out-of-body occurrences? Not really.
If chosen, you'll have to cover your own shirt and lane expenses.
That gonna be a problem? No.
Okay, thank you.
We'll be in touch.
Next.
Good luck.
Orders of the day.
You can start with the composter.
What's this? "Due to prevailing circumstances, "effective immediately, I will no longer be available for employment.
" You mean you're giving notice? I think it's time I moved on, Maurice.
Moved on where? To other opportunities.
Look, son, I used a poor choice of words.
This whole thing with Heather's got you bumfuzzled, son.
Why don't you take a couple of days off? Lester's gonna produce my movie.
Oh, is that a fact? He believes in me, Maurice.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? It means he supports what I'm doing.
And I don't? Look, son, I've been supporting you since you were 12 years old.
That's not enough support for you? Maurice, all you think I'm good for is dusting your shelves and sweeping your floors.
Now that is not true! I gave you the full budget for the Cicely film festival and you pissed it away.
A man has got to earn his opportunities, Ed.
Where I come from Yeah, Maurice, I'm sick of where you come from! You're wrong about Lester and you know what? You're wrong about me, too! Hey, Maggie, do you remember Bob Pickering, archeology professor at UA Fairbanks? Fleischman's mammoth, right? The alleged Fleischman's mammoth.
Right.
It's just another in a long line of famous "no-fossil" cases.
You mind if we sit down? Go ahead.
You know, Bob's in the area doing some field research.
See, I'm checking Altithermals in the Pleistocene Period.
Yeah, not to mention he's a league bowler.
No kidding.
What can I say? I grew up in Milwaukee.
Oh.
Well, listen, we need a pair of alternate bowlers on the team so I thought you and Bob could maybe team up.
Oh, I don't know.
I mean, nothing personal at all.
She's not interested Hey You don't have to do anything.
Just bowl.
Just see if there's a basic bowling compatibility there.
Hey, Maggie, you wanna bowl.
You know you do.
Well, yeah, but Well, you sure you don't mind? Oh, it beats looking at fossilized rodent remains every night.
Oh! Well Okay.
I guess it wouldn't hurt.
Well, all right.
Cool.
I'll get us a round.
What do you think, Phil? The blue or the brown? Blue.
Really? I kind of like the brown.
Then go with the brown.
I think I will.
You know, honey, I don't think this whole bowling thing is really for me.
What do you mean? Well, don't get me wrong.
I think it's great that you've gotten into it and everything, and you should keep bowling if you want to, but maybe we ought to get you another partner.
Well, why? I want to bowl with you.
That's why we signed up in the first place, to do something together.
Yeah, I'm just not really enjoying it, that's all.
Oh.
You know what it is? I'll tell you.
It's those shoes.
Oh, what? Oh, gee.
I have always hated bowling shoes.
You know, the green and then the red and the blue.
They're like Bozo the Clown shoes.
And that's not the worst part.
The worst part is you gotta put your feet in these things that have been rented out continuously since the Eisenhower administration.
Hey, have you ever seen a new pair of bowling shoes? I don't think they exist.
They're like VWs.
They just get recycled.
We're talking magnets for fungal infection.
You're joking, right? Oh, no, they don't disinfect those things.
They just put 'em right back up on the shelves.
I am sure we can find you your own pair, Phil.
Oh, no.
No, count me out! Hey, it took me three years to get my first pair of ski boots, and that's something I love.
I'm certainly not gonna spend 50 bucks or whatever on a pair of clown shoes I intend to use once and never wear again.
Let me understand this.
You don't want to bowl because of the shoes? Can I wear my tennis shoes? 'Cause if I can wear my Nikes You know you can't wear tennis shoes, Phil.
You need the leather soles to slide.
And you can't bowl in your socks, either.
Tell the truth.
You just don't want to bowl, period.
Well, that's not really true.
Yes, it is! Okay! Okay! Is that such a crime? I admit it, all right! I feel like an idiot up there.
But listen, if that doesn't matter to you, I'll do it, okay? Fine.
I'll bowl.
Don't bother.
Oh, what are you mad about? I'm just being honest.
Yeah.
Right.
Can I help it if I don't like it? What do you want from me? How about a little support? I'm being very supportive.
I didn't say you shouldn't bowl.
This isn't about bowling, Phil.
What are you talking about? It's about bowling.
It's only about bowling.
Well, if that's what you think, then maybe you're right! Maybe I do need another partner! What? Michelle! Michelle, come on! You're being ridiculous.
You're just jealous, Phil! I don't believe this! We're arguing because you think I'm jealous of your bowling ability? I knew you were insecure, Phil.
I just never knew how deep it went.
This is nuts! I should've seen this a long time ago.
Seen what? Michelle, you're making so much more out of this than you have to.
Will you come on out of the car? Michelle! You're not going anywhere, Michelle! Take it out of gear! Don't drive away! Michelle! Michelle! Strange but true, Cicely, bowling started in church.
Seems certain athletically-inclined parishioners in Germany, around 200 A.
D.
, would roll a stone down the aisle and knock over a club representing the devil.
From there, it was just a hop, skip and a jump to bowling for dollars.
Weird, huh? It's 9.
50 out of 10.
Thank you.
Bye, Ruth-Anne.
Can I help you, Maurice? Huh? Oh Ed left this over at the house I should've repaired that.
Anyway, could you see that he gets this? Be glad to.
Thanks.
Ruth-Anne, would you also ask him what he wants me to do with his share of the salmon we got on that last trip? It was quite a bit of fish.
We had a good trip! It's no problem if he wants me to keep it in my freezer, but if he'd prefer, I'll transfer it over to Holling's.
He told me what happened, Maurice.
What you said and what he said.
I know you were only trying to help.
It's no skin off my nose.
I mean, I've been supporting the kid since he was this high.
Kind of a burden off my shoulders.
Philip.
What can I get for you? Oh, uh Just a cup of coffee, thanks.
I understand Michelle is staying upstairs.
Yeah.
She asked if she could use the spare room for a while.
Well, I think "a while" is probably pushing it, Holling.
She'll be coming home real soon.
She gave me money for the entire week.
On the other hand, it's probably a good idea to get a little break from each other every now and then, you know, it's healthy.
Couldn't agree more.
She didn't say anything, did she? No.
Well, she did ask if the meals come with the room.
They don't.
Hey, Doc, are you and the missus still in the tournament, since the split? What? We haven't split, Hayden.
We just had a little argument, that's all.
Happily married couples do that, you know.
And I'd appreciate you keeping your nose out of my personal business, if that's all right with you.
Just asking.
I should probably go talk to her, huh? She's just up the stairs.
Who is it? It's me.
I don't want to talk right now, Phil.
Well, could you at least open the door? Hey.
Look, about last night Things got a little out of hand.
We both said things.
This is for you.
It's a new bowling ball.
It's a Hammer.
They tell me it's the best.
Blue pearlized urethane.
You just bring it in to the pro shop in Cantwell, they'll drill it for you.
Thanks.
I drove over there myself this morning.
Had to borrow Maurice's four-by.
Log truck blew a tire in front of me on Route 6, I nearly got splattered! This is what we do, isn't it? We fight and then we buy each other bowling balls.
This is the first bowling ball I've bought you, Michelle.
Ever.
And there you go.
Where? There I go where? Missing the point.
What is your point, Michelle? I mean, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say I'm sorry? I'm sorry.
Okay? I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry.
Look, if you don't want the ball, just give it to me.
I'll return it.
I don't know what I want, Phil.
Look How about bowling practice today? I can't bowl, Phil.
I don't know how you can even suggest it.
Mr.
Haynes? Ed.
Come in.
Have a seat.
Listen, you want some coffee or juice? Oh, that's okay.
Listen, I've taken the liberty of drawing up a preliminary budget.
Great.
And I bow to your expertise, Ed, but based on a 25-day-shoot, I I think we can bring this in at under $400,000.
Can you do it in 25 days? Oh, absolutely.
Well, good.
Have a seat.
Of course, I do have one or two notes.
Sure.
Listen, I read that script three times now, Ed, and you've created a brilliant premise, which is why I find the ending such a disappointment.
Oh, but the shaman gets the girl.
Exactly.
I don't follow you, Mr.
Haynes.
Well, you've painted a picture of two different cultures, Ed, two different worlds, really.
On one hand, a Native American from a small fishing village, on the other, a sophisticated girl from the city.
Do you really think two such people could find lasting happiness together? Well, of course, you know, Richard Gere and Julia Roberts they did it in Pretty Woman.
Dudley Moore, Liza Minnelli, Arthur, Johnny Weissmuller, Maureen O'Hara in Tarzan.
Those are fantasy, Ed.
This has truth, grit.
Do you want to sacrifice that for a Hollywood cliché? Well, when you put it like that Well, think of your own life, Ed.
It's just not very realistic, is it? What isn't? The ending.
I don't get you, Mr.
Haynes.
Well, take you and Heather.
Okay.
Innocent flirtation is one thing, but we both know that relationship isn't going anywhere.
Not seriously.
And why is that, Mr.
Haynes? Well, you come from entirely different backgrounds.
It's in there, Ed.
Except for the ending.
In the end, the shaman returns to his people without the girl.
Sadder, but wiser, and ready to become a great leader.
I don't know if I can change the ending of my script, Mr.
Haynes.
Look, I want to make your movie, Ed.
But we need to understand each other first.
The shaman does not get the girl.
Now if you're ready to accept my changes, I'm ready to write out a check today.
If not Well Think it over.
Feel like gyros? Yeah, that sounds great.
Hey, April, listen, I'm gonna meet you over there.
Why don't you, get us some grape leaves and I'll be a minute.
Sure.
Hey.
Guess I'm a little rusty, huh? Yeah, well You're using too much wrist.
You know, it's throwing off your rhythm.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Definitely.
More arm, less wrist.
Why don't you put your knee Into it? A little bend and get that ball and your backswing.
Here.
Okay.
Okay, keep it higher.
Higher.
There.
That's good.
That is? Yeah.
I hope onion rings are all right.
They were out of fries.
Hey, Bob! Hey, Chris.
Hey! Just giving Maggie some pointers.
Okay.
Great.
Would you care to join us? I've got plenty of rings.
No.
I gotta go.
See you.
I'll see you.
Seat taken? She hasn't come down all day.
Won't even talk to me.
Is that how a marriage ends? Not with a bang, but with a whimper? You know, yesterday, I would've said I was a happily married man.
But now? I'm sitting in a crummy bar in a cruddy town in the middle of nowhere.
No wife, no money, no future! It's all turned to crap.
And why? Because of bowling.
An alleged recreational activity that requires no physical skill or strategy whatsoever.
I've lost my entire life to the sport of imbeciles.
I know how you feel.
The other day, I was working a trap line on the Green River.
Fell through the ice right up to my waist.
Nearly froze to death.
That's not the same thing.
It isn't? I hate him! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him! I guess he just doesn't think we're a very good match.
He is such a control freak.
I mean, do I have my own life or not? At least he liked the script.
Daddy wouldn't know a good script if it bit him in the butt.
You know what his favorite move is? Ghost.
He did the same thing when I was going out with Todd McKelvey.
What? Daddy offered him a motorcycle if he'd dump me.
Red Kawasaki? My folks are having major company tonight.
We'll crash it.
You know, hold hands, real kissy-poo.
Oh, and I'll wear those grungy jeans I have with the holes in the knees.
Daddy hates those.
I don't know if that's such a good idea, Heather.
Oh, what do you mean? It's an absolutely great idea.
Well, yeah.
But maybe we should just try talking to him.
You can't talk to my dad.
He's a caveman.
Besides this is more fun.
Yeah, but we're just gonna make him mad, Heather.
So what? He needs to know he can't control my life.
Oh, but Well, I mean, we need to tell him about us, too, right? What? You know, that we're steady.
That we're serious about each other.
Oh, right.
Sure.
I knew this was coming.
It was only a matter of time.
Really? Are you kidding? Me going out with Ed Chigliak? Oh! I'm surprised he put up with it this long.
You've the latest Soundgarden, right? Heavy metal drives him up the wall.
No, wait! Rap.
He hates that even more.
Snoop Doggy Dogg.
Yes! Hey, there, sports fans.
Chris in the Morning with a late-breaking bowling update.
Despite rumors of reconciliation, the team of Doc and Michelle Capra will not be competing at the mixed doubles invitationaI in Cantwell today.
That's right.
The last-minute scratch deals a serious blow to the Cicely Sweethearts' chances of retaining the doubles title, but team spirits remain high.
Says manager Ruth-Anne Miller, "We may be going down, but we're doing it with our wristbands on!" All right! Knock 'em down, Sweethearts! Michelle? We need to bowl.
What? Those are our friends out there and they're counting on us.
Two days ago, you said Yeah, I know, two days ago we both said a lot of things, okay.
But, this isn't about us.
This is about commitment, all right.
About belonging to a team.
Now whatever problems you and I are experiencing, it just shouldn't matter.
The Oakland A's won the World Series three years In a row.
'72 to '74 they hated each other.
The point is they were a team and our team needs us.
They need you, Michelle.
Besides, it's not healthy for you to just stay in here all day.
You need some fresh air.
You need outside contact.
Hey, we don't even have to talk if you don't want to, but we need to bowl.
I'll get the Hammer.
Yes! You didn't get those two pins? Oh! Not bad.
Come on, Marsha! You can do it! Marsha, come on! Yes! Yeah! I messed up.
It's all right.
That's pathetic! What? What? You didn't see that? Looks pretty good to me.
Oh, come on.
This guy doesn't put the ball down in the same place twice.
He's lucky.
Very good! Earl, you're up! Mr.
Haynes.
Ed.
Heather's at her riding lesson.
I came to see you, Mr.
Haynes.
Well, come in.
I gather you and Heather had a little disagreement last night.
She was expecting you for dinner.
Well, I don't think I'll be having too many more dinners, Mr.
Haynes.
Oh, why is that? Well, for one thing, Heather and I aren't going steady anymore.
And for another thing, I've decided that I don't want you to produce my movie.
Now don't get me wrong, I appreciate your interest and everything.
I even took a few of your notes.
I just don't think I can make a film with someone who doesn't think I'm good enough for his daughter.
No.
You're twisting my words, Ed.
I was talking long-term compatibility.
There was no value judgment involved.
Whatever.
Frankly, I'm confused, Ed.
If you and Heather are through, I don't see what's to stop us from proceeding.
Yeah.
Well, thanks anyway, Mr.
Haynes.
Oh, Mr.
Haynes, I think you and your daughter ought to have a little talk sometime.
That's your best game yet.
Looking good.
Yeah, I'm starting to get the rhythm, I think.
By my count, we're only 18 pins behind Sitka.
One game to go, sweetheart.
It's up to you.
Okay.
Do it, Michelle.
So what do you think? Think about what? Coming home.
I need time, Phil.
Come on, Capra! Get the ball moving! I'm sorry.
Come back! Come back! Come back! I picked up the seven pin.
Hmm? I got the spare.
Oh, hey! All right.
Great.
Let's see, what was your first ball? Here, let me.
Chris, this has gotta stop.
What? I'm not blind, Chris.
I can see what's going on.
You don't want to bowl with me.
You want to bowl with her.
Huh? You haven't taken your eyes off Maggie since the moment we got here.
Well, look, April, you know We always said we'd be honest with each other.
I won't hold you back.
And I can't keep bowling with someone who's not there.
Hey, we're partners.
You and me, okay? Partners change.
Go.
Watch this strike.
It was a naiI-biter to the end, folks, but Michelle Schowdoski Capra came through with a 267 in the finaI game to put your locaI heroes over the top by three points.
Unscrew those winecaps, Cicely.
Your sweethearts are champs again! Ed? Hi, Maurice.
I didn't know you were here.
Still had the keys.
Well, what about your movie? Oh, that fell through.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Ed.
That's okay, Maurice.
What? What's the matter? Oh, Maurice, you know that crystal globe thing you had sitting on that bookshelf by the Britannicas? Yeah, my NASA commemorative.
Where is it? It's right there.
I was turning to dust the bookshelf, you know I'm sorry, Maurice.
Ah, that's okay.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Maurice! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, Maurice.
Oh, Maurice It's okay.
It was great.
So, what do you do around here when you're not being jilted? I'm not sure.
Hmm? What? Did you say something? No.
I thought you said something.