One Day at a Time (2017) s02e02 Episode Script
Schooled
1 [LATIN MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Mami! - [SCREAMS, PANTING.]
Mami, where's my biology textbook? I was studying, then I fell asleep for two seconds, and it was gone.
Does it have a tree and an Earth - and the lightning? - Yes! - It's in your hand.
- Oh! [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God! I'm sorry.
I need it to study for my stupid test on Tuesday.
Wait, wait, wait, what day is it? I showered on Thursday, so today must be [SNIFFS.]
Monday.
[GROANS.]
Mami! I have so much to put in my brain before tomorrow.
Why? Why does a nurse practitioner have to know about the life cycle of plants? I'm not trying to give CPR to a carrot! And we're out of coffee! And I don't have time to go shopping, because after work, I'll probably have to drive Elena to another one of her gay protests.
I'm not trying to be insulting but a lot of them are about gay stuff.
And then, after my test, I have to take papito to his cello lesson.
Wait, wait, wait.
Did we pay his cello teacher? Because she sent me three e-mails, and now I'm not sure what we owe.
I don't trust that lady, Ma.
She never blinks.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Okay, come on, everybody, let's go! Oh, that bath really woke me up.
It started off as a shower, but then I fell asleep.
I even managed to shave one leg.
I'm coming for you next, lefty.
What, what is this? When I said take the trash out, I meant out of the apartment, not out of the can.
Maybe you can show me for next time.
Maybe I can give your PlayStation to Goodwill.
I don't have time to argue, all right? Let's go.
Elena! Man, you guys are moving slower than phosphorous through biomass! - Yes! - Oh! Did you make the appointment to get my braces off? - [GROANS.]
- You said you'd do it two weeks ago.
Just eat a lot of taffy, they'll come off on their own.
Mom, please.
All right, all right.
Let me put it on the to-do list.
Mom, after school can you drive me to march with the Lesbians Against Fracking? I'm sorry, baby, there's no way.
There's no way that's a real thing.
Queer women don't like our tap water catching fire any more than anyone else does.
It really matters! I know, baby, but so did the Women's March, the Immigration March, the Science March Ay, listen to your mother.
This is march madness! You know, I did like the Women's March.
I looked very nice in that pink pussycat hat.
That's right.
And we really showed the patriarchy that men can no longer strut around with zero self-awareness, and shove their masculinity in our faces.
Hey, guys.
Schneider, would you please knock my eyes out.
What the hell are you wearing? Oh, this? Yeah, it's my new work uniform.
You're hired.
Oh, Lydia, I was actually inspired by you teaching dance to become an educator myself.
I started teaching spinning.
[CHUCKLES.]
Isn't spinning riding a stationary bike? Why are you wearing a helmet? It's for my own protection.
I may have fallen off a few times.
Anyway, can you post these flyers for me on campus? Oh! Are you too busy? Slammed.
I barely have time to meditate before my sunset hike.
"Murder Schneider.
" - Come on, let's go.
- Wait, I don't have my lunch.
- I don't either.
- [GASPS.]
Ay! Papito, lo siento! I forgot.
What about me? I was just so distracted with my dance class.
You're teaching ballet to 5-year-olds.
What do you have to prepare for? Disappointment.
Those kids are terrible.
Wait, here, here.
Here is your lunch.
Here you go.
Why does she get 10 bucks and I get 5? Take out the freakin' trash.
Let's go.
I'm sorry, I know I'm late.
Well, no.
Actually, it's 8:00 a.
m.
on the dot.
[BOTH.]
Early is on time.
On time is late.
Sorry, my personal motto isn't, "That's what she said.
" Hey.
My personal motto is, "Swipe right on life.
" So school's really keeping you busy, huh? Yeah, when are you gonna hook me up with some hot coeds? Or are they all returning students? Uh you mean people who are gonna be your boss soon? Yeah, I don't think that's how it works.
Oh, that's exactly how it works, Scott! I'm gonna go do my job.
Make me coffee 'cause I'm gonna be your boss? Yeah, you go do that.
That's what she said! What's wrong? Are you okay? Hey, someone call the doctor! I'm just so worn out.
I got school on top of everything else.
It's got Mama beat.
[SIGHS.]
I must look like hell.
- You have been looking - Mama don't need to hear that, Doc.
Well, I know where you're coming from.
I don't do very much and Daddy's been exhausted for the last 35 years.
Yeah, let's not keep doing that Mama-Daddy thing.
Can I confess something to you, Doc? Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
School is hard! I got good grades in high school, but that was my mom.
She used to stand over me while I studied, and if I nodded off, she'd squirt me with a spray bottle.
She sprays me, too.
With cologne.
Says I'm not a man unless I smell like the inside of a boot.
This whole nurse practitioner thing is a real game changer for my whole family.
There's a lot of pressure, and honestly, it is kicking my butt.
And then the professor thanked me for correcting her and the whole class applauded.
[SCOTT GROANS.]
We get it! I'm sorry.
One of the only joys I have is making sure he knows I am better than him.
You are, girlfriend.
You are Superwoman.
Hear you roar.
You go, girl.
Doc, can I confess something else about school? [IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
I'm kind of failing.
[LAUGHS.]
Right! You failing? I can see that.
"I got an A-minus, oy! Dios mÃo.
" Look.
All I know is, I believe in you.
Which is why I've already leased the office next door so we can expand the practice to accommodate all the new patients that you are going to be bringing in.
Surprise! What? That's the face I was looking for! [GASPS.]
I can't believe you did that.
Yeah, I'm putting all my eggs in Mama's basket.
There's no going back now! Literally, the future of this office rests on these shoulders.
[CHUCKLES.]
Boy, you are tight.
Alex - [BALLET MUSIC PLAYING.]
- And chins up, and shoulders back.
Chassé, chassé, chaîné turn.
Oh, that is so good.
[LAUGHS.]
Hopeless.
I really need to study.
What happened to finding a space at the church? I would never put God through this.
Everything is very expensive, so I'm going to wait until after you graduate and you get your big raise.
Sasha, no biting! That one is going to make it.
Okay, snack time, children.
Look at them, so excited about food.
They will never be dancers.
Where's Alex? In my room, practicing the cello.
Oh, hey.
Oh, yeah.
No, hey, hey, hey! No, no, no.
That's my work space.
- Sorry, Mom, I really need the table.
- For what? 'Cause this ain't homework.
I'm planning on starting a GSA at school.
A Gay-Straight Alliance.
Are you gay? I forgot because you haven't mentioned it in the last five minutes.
Papito, trash, cello, then making fun of your sister.
Anyway I'm expecting a big pushback from the Catholic school administration.
I'm getting a jump on the protest.
And I've been practicing my angry, staring-down-nuns look.
That's more a "someone at the office stole my yogurt" face, but you keep working on it.
Not here.
I don't understand why do you need a gay club.
We get it.
You're here, you're queer, we're used to it.
Move on! Abuelita, what if someone told you not to talk about being Cuban? I would kick them in the aguacates, why do you ask? Mami, did you make my braces appointment yet? No, I didn't.
Mom, have you seen that Can everyone just get off my back and do what you're supposed to be doing? - Oh, chill out.
- Jeez.
Mom, why are you so uptight? I'm sorry.
But I'm working my sweet nalguitas off, and you guys should be, too! That's why I'm at the top of my class! I'm just being real with you! Cálmate, niña.
[SCOFFS.]
"Calm down"? Are you the same woman who broke out the chancleta while I was memorizing the states? - 'Cause I'll never be able to forget it.
- You hit Mami with your chancleta? Oh, please, I would never.
It's just a learning tool.
It's all about the sound.
Alabama, Alaska, Arizona! Okay, put that away! [SIGHS.]
Everybody, go do your work so I can do mine.
No interruptions.
Let's go dance some more! Okay.
Chassé.
Who can do a chassé? And who can do a beautiful leap like a deer? Who can do that? Who can do a chaîné? Oh! That is so beautiful! Dance with your hearts.
Dance with your souls.
Thank you for letting me study here.
It's so peaceful.
You don't realize how much noise there is until there is no noise.
- Yeah, it's kinda - [SHUSHES.]
I have a huge test tomorrow.
I really need you to let me work, okay? I get it.
[CHUCKLES.]
I got work, too.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
See, the key to effective spinning is a great music playlist.
This one I'm working on right now is tiger-themed.
So far I've got "Eye Of The Tiger" and that Katy Perry song where she says, "Eye of the tiger.
" - You wanna hear my playlist? - Shut up! Okay.
[SCOFFS.]
I guess it's suddenly cool to walk into somebody else's apartment and treat it like it's your own.
[SOBS.]
[SIGHS.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey.
What? What's up with the spin stuff? Okay, I decided to take a break from dating.
See, I realized that women were just another one of my addictions, like alcohol, drugs, gambling, cigarettes, snow globes.
Snow globes? Is that like a drug thing? [CHUCKLES.]
Wow! [GASPS.]
Is this one of our family? Hey, you should probably get back to studying.
The point is, I've broken the cycle of addiction with spinning.
Five hours a day, every single day.
I have to do it! Yeah, you don't sound addicted at all.
Get off my back! [CLICKS TONGUE.]
I'm sorry, I'm just [SIGHS.]
I'm having so much trouble focusing.
I just can't seem to hold information in my head anymore.
You know what might help you? - Do not say spinning.
- Spinning! Stay with me.
I have found that it actually helps me retain information a lot better.
No disrespect, but I don't need to take advice from you.
- ["WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU" PLAYING.]
- Hey! Uh-huh Hey! Oh, my God! This is amazing! Plus, it's the perfect substitute for dating, 'cause it burns a lot of energy and also numbs my junk! All right! Get up out of the saddle! [WHOOPS AND EXCLAIMS.]
Homeostasis is the process of maintaining a relatively constant internal environment despite changes in the external environment! Yeah! - [SCHNEIDER GRUNTS.]
- [THUDS.]
I'm okay.
This is why I wear the helmet.
[CELLO PLAYING.]
Oh, papito.
If Yo-Yo Ma heard you play, he would quit.
Yeah, he would.
All right! Test is done.
And tonight, I'm shaving my left leg.
What's happening here? Did the school shut down your GSA protest? Worse.
They said yes! They think it would be "a positive influence on the educational community.
" And then they gave me a meeting room and a snack budget! Okay, I'm sleep-deprived, but I think she said happy words in a mad voice? What? Like I'm supposed to believe my Catholic school is suddenly pro-gay? Yeah, nice try! You know, I think being a lesbian has made you very angry.
That is such a stereotype! Is it? Well, I have a lot to be angry about.
Climate change, sexism, racism, there's a lot of bad things happening! Elena, what is going on? Usually when you win, you're insufferable.
You even have that dance you do.
[GRUNTING.]
You got that I don't know what it is, but right now, I miss it.
Whatever.
There's still plenty of people out there who hate that I'm gay.
Honey, I know that.
But society's changing.
People are more accepting than ever.
[SOFTLY.]
Yeah, not everybody.
Maybe not one person in particular? [SCOFFS.]
You mean my father, who's not even as progressive as the Catholic church? So that's what this is about.
I just thought it'd get easier but it still sucks.
I know, mija.
I just I haven't gotten a call, or an e-mail It's been three months.
I just thought he'd be sorry by now, but maybe he never will be.
I had no idea you were feeling this way.
I am sorry.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's just hard because I want to hate him but he's still my dad.
Oh, baby.
You know, not to brag but I have some experience being angry with your papi.
You have to trust me.
It doesn't hurt him, it only hurts you.
So you need to celebrate all the good things happening in your life, yeah? Yeah.
So why don't we try this again? You got the GSA.
What? The GSA! With a snack budget and a meeting room.
Come on! Come Yeah! Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! I don't know what that is, but I'm glad to see it.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Hey, do you guys have an ice pack? I may have overspun.
I'll get it.
Here, here, here, here.
Oh, my God.
[GROANS.]
Hey, did you get your test score yet? - It's after 5:00! - [EXCLAIMS.]
[PENELOPE.]
They probably posted it.
Schneider, why don't you lay down, huh? Okay? - [GROANS.]
- Yeah.
- Uh - [SIGHS.]
You do it.
Come on! What is it? Don't tell me that you did so much better than the rest of the class that they are now cyberbullying you? No, Mami.
I did bad.
I did really bad.
You don't do bad.
You're always killing it.
We know because you always say, "I'm killing it.
" This is all my fault.
You needed to do real studying, and I distracted you with my spinning and beautiful globes.
No, I did study.
[SIGHS.]
I tried really hard and I still didn't do good.
Do "well.
" Sorry.
It's just one test, Mom.
You'll do better next time.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's the thing.
75? - [ELENA GASPS.]
- [LYDIA GROANS.]
68? [INHALES SHARPLY.]
62! I would faint, but I don't want a below-average nurse to help me.
Mom, maybe you just need to study more.
No, that's not it.
It's me.
I can't do it.
Of course you can! [ALL TALKING.]
No, Mami, I can't! I obviously can't! I'm sorry.
I let you all down, and I really wanted to do this for all of us.
But I think it's time to admit it, that I tried, and I failed.
And now I think it's time to quit.
What? Really? Mom, this is your dream.
Yes.
But this is this is also my dream.
You know, a great family.
I already have a great job.
When you add school on top of it, it's like I'm trying to do three things great, but I'm just doing them all badly.
So I think this is the right decision, and I think it's time to quit.
Okay.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
- I can go back to showering every day.
- [ALL CHUCKLE.]
I can take you to protest so you can yell at people.
We can yell together.
Oh, that's gonna be great, because you're so loud! This is great.
This is gonna be great.
Who knows, maybe after a couple years, when you guys are out of the house, and it's not so crazy, maybe I can tackle school again.
Yeah.
Sure.
Oh, my God, you guys You guys do you know what I'm gonna do tomorrow morning? I'm gonna sleep till 6:30 in the morning! - [LYDIA.]
Whoa! - [ALL CHUCKLING.]
Aw Keep it going.
I'll get there.
No.
Fire in the junkyard.
Lupita.
Carlos, it undoes in the front.
- Get up! - What the Mami! [PANTING.]
It's 4:30 in the morning.
I know, sweetheart.
Dale! - What's happening? - You'll see, you'll see, ya verás.
- Ta-da! - Ah! Okay, this is nice.
What is this? We decided you're staying in school.
No, no.
No, remember, I failed.
I'm a quitter, it's fine.
Ma! Lupita, after you went to bed last night, none of us could sleep.
We realized we were being selfish.
You didn't fail, Mom, you just can't do it alone.
That's right! You know, you don't have to be a super woman! There can only be one such woman in a family, and that is me.
So we're all going to pitch in and help you make your dream come true.
I'll take out the trash, pack my own lunch And I am going to skip the Queer Women March Against Nukes to help you.
- What's your preferred study method? - Coffee and tears.
You are a disaster! I can fix you.
If this is what you want.
I do.
Then you got this.
And we got you.
And I will be here for you, mi amor.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh! I see you found your Okay! No more talk! A estudiar! Can you guys keep it down? Schneider, why are you still here? I can't feel my legs.
I might be here for another day or two.
Oh It's the scene from my snow globe.
- Mami! - [SCREAMS, PANTING.]
Mami, where's my biology textbook? I was studying, then I fell asleep for two seconds, and it was gone.
Does it have a tree and an Earth - and the lightning? - Yes! - It's in your hand.
- Oh! [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God! I'm sorry.
I need it to study for my stupid test on Tuesday.
Wait, wait, wait, what day is it? I showered on Thursday, so today must be [SNIFFS.]
Monday.
[GROANS.]
Mami! I have so much to put in my brain before tomorrow.
Why? Why does a nurse practitioner have to know about the life cycle of plants? I'm not trying to give CPR to a carrot! And we're out of coffee! And I don't have time to go shopping, because after work, I'll probably have to drive Elena to another one of her gay protests.
I'm not trying to be insulting but a lot of them are about gay stuff.
And then, after my test, I have to take papito to his cello lesson.
Wait, wait, wait.
Did we pay his cello teacher? Because she sent me three e-mails, and now I'm not sure what we owe.
I don't trust that lady, Ma.
She never blinks.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Okay, come on, everybody, let's go! Oh, that bath really woke me up.
It started off as a shower, but then I fell asleep.
I even managed to shave one leg.
I'm coming for you next, lefty.
What, what is this? When I said take the trash out, I meant out of the apartment, not out of the can.
Maybe you can show me for next time.
Maybe I can give your PlayStation to Goodwill.
I don't have time to argue, all right? Let's go.
Elena! Man, you guys are moving slower than phosphorous through biomass! - Yes! - Oh! Did you make the appointment to get my braces off? - [GROANS.]
- You said you'd do it two weeks ago.
Just eat a lot of taffy, they'll come off on their own.
Mom, please.
All right, all right.
Let me put it on the to-do list.
Mom, after school can you drive me to march with the Lesbians Against Fracking? I'm sorry, baby, there's no way.
There's no way that's a real thing.
Queer women don't like our tap water catching fire any more than anyone else does.
It really matters! I know, baby, but so did the Women's March, the Immigration March, the Science March Ay, listen to your mother.
This is march madness! You know, I did like the Women's March.
I looked very nice in that pink pussycat hat.
That's right.
And we really showed the patriarchy that men can no longer strut around with zero self-awareness, and shove their masculinity in our faces.
Hey, guys.
Schneider, would you please knock my eyes out.
What the hell are you wearing? Oh, this? Yeah, it's my new work uniform.
You're hired.
Oh, Lydia, I was actually inspired by you teaching dance to become an educator myself.
I started teaching spinning.
[CHUCKLES.]
Isn't spinning riding a stationary bike? Why are you wearing a helmet? It's for my own protection.
I may have fallen off a few times.
Anyway, can you post these flyers for me on campus? Oh! Are you too busy? Slammed.
I barely have time to meditate before my sunset hike.
"Murder Schneider.
" - Come on, let's go.
- Wait, I don't have my lunch.
- I don't either.
- [GASPS.]
Ay! Papito, lo siento! I forgot.
What about me? I was just so distracted with my dance class.
You're teaching ballet to 5-year-olds.
What do you have to prepare for? Disappointment.
Those kids are terrible.
Wait, here, here.
Here is your lunch.
Here you go.
Why does she get 10 bucks and I get 5? Take out the freakin' trash.
Let's go.
I'm sorry, I know I'm late.
Well, no.
Actually, it's 8:00 a.
m.
on the dot.
[BOTH.]
Early is on time.
On time is late.
Sorry, my personal motto isn't, "That's what she said.
" Hey.
My personal motto is, "Swipe right on life.
" So school's really keeping you busy, huh? Yeah, when are you gonna hook me up with some hot coeds? Or are they all returning students? Uh you mean people who are gonna be your boss soon? Yeah, I don't think that's how it works.
Oh, that's exactly how it works, Scott! I'm gonna go do my job.
Make me coffee 'cause I'm gonna be your boss? Yeah, you go do that.
That's what she said! What's wrong? Are you okay? Hey, someone call the doctor! I'm just so worn out.
I got school on top of everything else.
It's got Mama beat.
[SIGHS.]
I must look like hell.
- You have been looking - Mama don't need to hear that, Doc.
Well, I know where you're coming from.
I don't do very much and Daddy's been exhausted for the last 35 years.
Yeah, let's not keep doing that Mama-Daddy thing.
Can I confess something to you, Doc? Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
School is hard! I got good grades in high school, but that was my mom.
She used to stand over me while I studied, and if I nodded off, she'd squirt me with a spray bottle.
She sprays me, too.
With cologne.
Says I'm not a man unless I smell like the inside of a boot.
This whole nurse practitioner thing is a real game changer for my whole family.
There's a lot of pressure, and honestly, it is kicking my butt.
And then the professor thanked me for correcting her and the whole class applauded.
[SCOTT GROANS.]
We get it! I'm sorry.
One of the only joys I have is making sure he knows I am better than him.
You are, girlfriend.
You are Superwoman.
Hear you roar.
You go, girl.
Doc, can I confess something else about school? [IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
I'm kind of failing.
[LAUGHS.]
Right! You failing? I can see that.
"I got an A-minus, oy! Dios mÃo.
" Look.
All I know is, I believe in you.
Which is why I've already leased the office next door so we can expand the practice to accommodate all the new patients that you are going to be bringing in.
Surprise! What? That's the face I was looking for! [GASPS.]
I can't believe you did that.
Yeah, I'm putting all my eggs in Mama's basket.
There's no going back now! Literally, the future of this office rests on these shoulders.
[CHUCKLES.]
Boy, you are tight.
Alex - [BALLET MUSIC PLAYING.]
- And chins up, and shoulders back.
Chassé, chassé, chaîné turn.
Oh, that is so good.
[LAUGHS.]
Hopeless.
I really need to study.
What happened to finding a space at the church? I would never put God through this.
Everything is very expensive, so I'm going to wait until after you graduate and you get your big raise.
Sasha, no biting! That one is going to make it.
Okay, snack time, children.
Look at them, so excited about food.
They will never be dancers.
Where's Alex? In my room, practicing the cello.
Oh, hey.
Oh, yeah.
No, hey, hey, hey! No, no, no.
That's my work space.
- Sorry, Mom, I really need the table.
- For what? 'Cause this ain't homework.
I'm planning on starting a GSA at school.
A Gay-Straight Alliance.
Are you gay? I forgot because you haven't mentioned it in the last five minutes.
Papito, trash, cello, then making fun of your sister.
Anyway I'm expecting a big pushback from the Catholic school administration.
I'm getting a jump on the protest.
And I've been practicing my angry, staring-down-nuns look.
That's more a "someone at the office stole my yogurt" face, but you keep working on it.
Not here.
I don't understand why do you need a gay club.
We get it.
You're here, you're queer, we're used to it.
Move on! Abuelita, what if someone told you not to talk about being Cuban? I would kick them in the aguacates, why do you ask? Mami, did you make my braces appointment yet? No, I didn't.
Mom, have you seen that Can everyone just get off my back and do what you're supposed to be doing? - Oh, chill out.
- Jeez.
Mom, why are you so uptight? I'm sorry.
But I'm working my sweet nalguitas off, and you guys should be, too! That's why I'm at the top of my class! I'm just being real with you! Cálmate, niña.
[SCOFFS.]
"Calm down"? Are you the same woman who broke out the chancleta while I was memorizing the states? - 'Cause I'll never be able to forget it.
- You hit Mami with your chancleta? Oh, please, I would never.
It's just a learning tool.
It's all about the sound.
Alabama, Alaska, Arizona! Okay, put that away! [SIGHS.]
Everybody, go do your work so I can do mine.
No interruptions.
Let's go dance some more! Okay.
Chassé.
Who can do a chassé? And who can do a beautiful leap like a deer? Who can do that? Who can do a chaîné? Oh! That is so beautiful! Dance with your hearts.
Dance with your souls.
Thank you for letting me study here.
It's so peaceful.
You don't realize how much noise there is until there is no noise.
- Yeah, it's kinda - [SHUSHES.]
I have a huge test tomorrow.
I really need you to let me work, okay? I get it.
[CHUCKLES.]
I got work, too.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
See, the key to effective spinning is a great music playlist.
This one I'm working on right now is tiger-themed.
So far I've got "Eye Of The Tiger" and that Katy Perry song where she says, "Eye of the tiger.
" - You wanna hear my playlist? - Shut up! Okay.
[SCOFFS.]
I guess it's suddenly cool to walk into somebody else's apartment and treat it like it's your own.
[SOBS.]
[SIGHS.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey.
What? What's up with the spin stuff? Okay, I decided to take a break from dating.
See, I realized that women were just another one of my addictions, like alcohol, drugs, gambling, cigarettes, snow globes.
Snow globes? Is that like a drug thing? [CHUCKLES.]
Wow! [GASPS.]
Is this one of our family? Hey, you should probably get back to studying.
The point is, I've broken the cycle of addiction with spinning.
Five hours a day, every single day.
I have to do it! Yeah, you don't sound addicted at all.
Get off my back! [CLICKS TONGUE.]
I'm sorry, I'm just [SIGHS.]
I'm having so much trouble focusing.
I just can't seem to hold information in my head anymore.
You know what might help you? - Do not say spinning.
- Spinning! Stay with me.
I have found that it actually helps me retain information a lot better.
No disrespect, but I don't need to take advice from you.
- ["WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU" PLAYING.]
- Hey! Uh-huh Hey! Oh, my God! This is amazing! Plus, it's the perfect substitute for dating, 'cause it burns a lot of energy and also numbs my junk! All right! Get up out of the saddle! [WHOOPS AND EXCLAIMS.]
Homeostasis is the process of maintaining a relatively constant internal environment despite changes in the external environment! Yeah! - [SCHNEIDER GRUNTS.]
- [THUDS.]
I'm okay.
This is why I wear the helmet.
[CELLO PLAYING.]
Oh, papito.
If Yo-Yo Ma heard you play, he would quit.
Yeah, he would.
All right! Test is done.
And tonight, I'm shaving my left leg.
What's happening here? Did the school shut down your GSA protest? Worse.
They said yes! They think it would be "a positive influence on the educational community.
" And then they gave me a meeting room and a snack budget! Okay, I'm sleep-deprived, but I think she said happy words in a mad voice? What? Like I'm supposed to believe my Catholic school is suddenly pro-gay? Yeah, nice try! You know, I think being a lesbian has made you very angry.
That is such a stereotype! Is it? Well, I have a lot to be angry about.
Climate change, sexism, racism, there's a lot of bad things happening! Elena, what is going on? Usually when you win, you're insufferable.
You even have that dance you do.
[GRUNTING.]
You got that I don't know what it is, but right now, I miss it.
Whatever.
There's still plenty of people out there who hate that I'm gay.
Honey, I know that.
But society's changing.
People are more accepting than ever.
[SOFTLY.]
Yeah, not everybody.
Maybe not one person in particular? [SCOFFS.]
You mean my father, who's not even as progressive as the Catholic church? So that's what this is about.
I just thought it'd get easier but it still sucks.
I know, mija.
I just I haven't gotten a call, or an e-mail It's been three months.
I just thought he'd be sorry by now, but maybe he never will be.
I had no idea you were feeling this way.
I am sorry.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's just hard because I want to hate him but he's still my dad.
Oh, baby.
You know, not to brag but I have some experience being angry with your papi.
You have to trust me.
It doesn't hurt him, it only hurts you.
So you need to celebrate all the good things happening in your life, yeah? Yeah.
So why don't we try this again? You got the GSA.
What? The GSA! With a snack budget and a meeting room.
Come on! Come Yeah! Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! I don't know what that is, but I'm glad to see it.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Hey, do you guys have an ice pack? I may have overspun.
I'll get it.
Here, here, here, here.
Oh, my God.
[GROANS.]
Hey, did you get your test score yet? - It's after 5:00! - [EXCLAIMS.]
[PENELOPE.]
They probably posted it.
Schneider, why don't you lay down, huh? Okay? - [GROANS.]
- Yeah.
- Uh - [SIGHS.]
You do it.
Come on! What is it? Don't tell me that you did so much better than the rest of the class that they are now cyberbullying you? No, Mami.
I did bad.
I did really bad.
You don't do bad.
You're always killing it.
We know because you always say, "I'm killing it.
" This is all my fault.
You needed to do real studying, and I distracted you with my spinning and beautiful globes.
No, I did study.
[SIGHS.]
I tried really hard and I still didn't do good.
Do "well.
" Sorry.
It's just one test, Mom.
You'll do better next time.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's the thing.
75? - [ELENA GASPS.]
- [LYDIA GROANS.]
68? [INHALES SHARPLY.]
62! I would faint, but I don't want a below-average nurse to help me.
Mom, maybe you just need to study more.
No, that's not it.
It's me.
I can't do it.
Of course you can! [ALL TALKING.]
No, Mami, I can't! I obviously can't! I'm sorry.
I let you all down, and I really wanted to do this for all of us.
But I think it's time to admit it, that I tried, and I failed.
And now I think it's time to quit.
What? Really? Mom, this is your dream.
Yes.
But this is this is also my dream.
You know, a great family.
I already have a great job.
When you add school on top of it, it's like I'm trying to do three things great, but I'm just doing them all badly.
So I think this is the right decision, and I think it's time to quit.
Okay.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
- I can go back to showering every day.
- [ALL CHUCKLE.]
I can take you to protest so you can yell at people.
We can yell together.
Oh, that's gonna be great, because you're so loud! This is great.
This is gonna be great.
Who knows, maybe after a couple years, when you guys are out of the house, and it's not so crazy, maybe I can tackle school again.
Yeah.
Sure.
Oh, my God, you guys You guys do you know what I'm gonna do tomorrow morning? I'm gonna sleep till 6:30 in the morning! - [LYDIA.]
Whoa! - [ALL CHUCKLING.]
Aw Keep it going.
I'll get there.
No.
Fire in the junkyard.
Lupita.
Carlos, it undoes in the front.
- Get up! - What the Mami! [PANTING.]
It's 4:30 in the morning.
I know, sweetheart.
Dale! - What's happening? - You'll see, you'll see, ya verás.
- Ta-da! - Ah! Okay, this is nice.
What is this? We decided you're staying in school.
No, no.
No, remember, I failed.
I'm a quitter, it's fine.
Ma! Lupita, after you went to bed last night, none of us could sleep.
We realized we were being selfish.
You didn't fail, Mom, you just can't do it alone.
That's right! You know, you don't have to be a super woman! There can only be one such woman in a family, and that is me.
So we're all going to pitch in and help you make your dream come true.
I'll take out the trash, pack my own lunch And I am going to skip the Queer Women March Against Nukes to help you.
- What's your preferred study method? - Coffee and tears.
You are a disaster! I can fix you.
If this is what you want.
I do.
Then you got this.
And we got you.
And I will be here for you, mi amor.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh! I see you found your Okay! No more talk! A estudiar! Can you guys keep it down? Schneider, why are you still here? I can't feel my legs.
I might be here for another day or two.
Oh It's the scene from my snow globe.