Only Fools and Horses (1981) s03e03 Episode Script

Friday the 14th

Here we are.
Guess where we're going at the weekend? No.
Give us a clue.
Alright Rodders, if you insist.
Eerrgh, you pig, you.
Geddit away.
How's that rice going down, alright? Geddit out.
Where are we going then Del? We're going skiing.
Where d'you think we're going you soppy oldWe're going fishing aren't we? Well, I know that.
I mean where? Oh.
I see what you mean, we're going to a place called Tregower.
Where's that? - Cornwall.
- Cornwall? Why are we going all the way down there? Because that's where Boycie's weekend cottage is.
I had dinner with him lat night at Mario's and he happened to mention he'd got this weekend cottage and it was free and so Bob's yer uncle.
- How much rent he charging you? - Nothing.
He's letting us have it for free? Yeah, all for gratis.
Come on, Del, there's gotta be something behind this.
'Cos Boycie would scalp you if dandruff had a going rate.
You're becoming so cynical Rodney.
He's just doing a mate a favour isn't he, eh? Wait a minute.
You met him in Mario's? Yeah, that's right, yeah.
Grandad come on, look, clear all this fishing gear will you 'cos I want to pop out.
- Mario's is a fish restaurant.
- Is it? Yeah, see you later.
Bit of a coincidence Del, innit, you meeting him in a fish restaurant and the next thing we're all going fishing.
He's like Elliot bleedin' Ness at times ain't he, eh? Alright Rodney, I was gonna tell you when we got down there - you know - as a sort of surprise like.
- Oh yeah! Yeah, yeah, as a surprise, yeah.
Well, this cottage happens to near one of the finest salmon fishing streams in England.
Now Mario has agreed to pay us ten pounds for every fish that we bring back.
Now Boycie and I are going to halve it, that's a fiver each.
So let's say that we - we do what, 60 fish, that will be 300 sovs in our pocket.
We split it three ways that means you and Grandad get fifty pounds each, a weekend's fishing and free digs.
Now, what d'you reckon to that? I reckon it's illegal.
You hurt me sometimes Rodney.
You really do, you don't even let me finish before you go jumping to your nasty little delusions.
It's lucky you ain't a judge Rodney – you'd hang 'em before they'd finished the oath.
I'm sorry.
I just thought.
Yeah, I know exactly what you thought.
So we've got permission have we? Well, we will have.
We see the gamekeeper when we get down there and pay him 25 quid.
What and he gives us a fishing permit? No - he shows us the hole in the fence.
I knew it.
- It's called business.
- It's called stealing.
- No it ain't Rodney.
- Listen to your Grandad.
It's called poaching.
And what do we know about that, eh? Del, he can't even poach an egg! Rodney, it'll be a doddle.
This stream's jam-packed with salmon.
We just put our hooks in and whip 'em out.
Del - it is illegal, it is immoral, it is unethical.
Alright, me and Grandad'll go on our own, and split the profits between us.
Now I didn't say I wouldn't come, did I? 'Gone poaching, ba ba ba ba, left a sign upon the door.
Gone poaching, ba ba.
' You keep on Rodney and you're gonna get a smack right in the ear'ole.
Oi, oi, oi, what' all this about? Ooh my Gawd, it's the Old Bill! Someone's doubled you up about them salmon.
Look, just let me do the talking.
Good evening Officer.
Now, if it's about the tax disc I can assure you that the new one is in the post.
It's nothing to do with your road fund licence sir.
Down for a bit of fishing are we? No, no, no, no, nothing like that, no.
Then why have you got three fishing rods tied to yer roof rack? No, no, 'cos you remember we said we might do a little bit of fishing.
Yeah, that's right, yeah, yeah, might do – you know - just a little bit - tiddlers.
No salmon though.
I see.
You haven't given anyone a lift in the last halfhour or so have you sir? No.
Look, what is all this about anyway? We've just had word that a patient’s escaped from the local hospital.
Escaped? What you got out here, national health stalags? It's no ordinary hospital sir.
It's an institute for the criminally insane.
See, this storm's brought a few power cables down, blacked out the entire area.
It even put the institute's security system out of action.
So this patient took his chance and made of across the moors.
He's out there somewhere now.
For all I know he could be watching us.
What was he in there for anyway? Ten years ago this very night, he killed a party of weekend fishermen.
You may have seen it on the TV? They called him the Axe Murderer.
No, no, no, I must have been out that night.
You good people be very careful.
Don't pick up any hitch-hikers, don't stop for anyone, no matter what the circumstances.
And, if you see or hear anything suspicious, phone the police immediately.
Your lives may depend on it.
Right gentlemen - have a nice weekend won't you? Yeah, well, come on.
Full ahead both Rodney.
- We ain't going on are we? - Yeah, course we are.
Del, there is a crazed axe murderer out there somewhere.
I know that Rodders, but you seem to be forgetting that we're on a 300 quid earner.
Don't worry, we'll be locked up safe and sound in Boycie's cottage.
Anyway there's three of us There's me and you Don't worry, I'll look after you! Right, get this stuff out of here, come on.
I wish you'd shut up Rodney, you're making me nervous.
Look, I didn't say I saw 'someone' did I? Just that I saw 'something'.
Yeah, alright don't worry, get them lanterns going will you Rodney.
Why, what's wrong with the lights? - No electric is there.
- Someone's been tampering with it.
No, look, the storm has blown the power cables down remember? - The whole area's blacked out innit? - Oh yeah! Yeah, I'll just see if I can find some candles in this cupboard over here - What are you doing? - I'm phoning the law! You're doing what? What are you trying to do to me? Cor, look, we're down here doing a bit of 'fishing', the last thing we need is the local Polizia sniffing round our keep-nets.
Look, that copper said that if we see or hear anything suspicious phone the police immediately – our lives could depend on it.
Alright then, who have you seen Hawkeye? I saw a - well, a movement in the trees.
A movement? Of course you're gonna see movement in the trees there's a ruddy typhoid blowing out there.
Yeah, you're right, I'm sorry.
It's alright, come on, pull yourself together, alright.
That's it.
It's a typhoon.
Good idea Rodney, put the kettle on, we'll have a nice cup of tea.
Del, there's only an electric kettle out there.
Well, use a saucepan then.
No, there ain't none.
Gordon Bennett.
Look, come out of my way, look, I'll do it.
Here, look - have a look in that sideboard, see if Boycie's left any scotch will you.
If he hasn't we'll have to drink mine! Here you are Rodney.
See what I mean, there ain't no ghosts or ghouls out here! Del Boy, come in here quick.
Rodney's found something! Has he? What? Monopoly! Oh, now we are all doomed! Not the monopoly! Well, it's only a chopper.
- It's an axe! - Same thing.
No, Del.
The police ain't looking for an escaped chopper murderer.
Let - just a minute - let me ask you two something.
Where are we? We're in schtuck! No! We're in the country, aren’t we? And country people have these things hanging about.
It's part and parcel of their lives.
Alright, let me ask you something.
Where do you think that escaped bloke is right now? - Probably out there on them moors.
- In this weather? Well, he's mad ain't he? He might be mad, he'd have to be bloody stupid to be out in the moors.
I reckon he'd have holed up somewhere.
Found himself an empty place.
Like this! Yeah, but this place ain't empty, is it? It was before we arrived, Del.
What d'you reckon, alright then, he's up there having a kip? Well, he could be up there.
Well I shouldn't let it worry you Grandad, 'cos the three bears have probably eaten him by now.
I mean, what is this fairy story that you're giving me? What's the matter with you two? You been sniffing the bostik or something? Alright then, well, why don't you go up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire and check it out? I don't have to.
Look, I mean, listen, would any selfrespecting axe murderer pop upstairs for 40 winks and leave his chopper in the sideboard? He might have a spare one.
He's got a kit of 'em now has he? I suppose he's got a little caddie that carries 'em round for him.
And another thing.
If the man of the moment is upstairs having alie-in, who was that you saw out there in the trees? His brother? - Oh yeah, that's right.
- He can't be in to places at once.
No, of course not.
Oh, he's most probably half-way to London by now.
Yeah, of course he is.
He's most probably looking for an empty place up there.
Hope he don't find our flat! Will you hut up? Will you just stop all this nonsense? Now look, are we all agreed that we are safe and sound? Well, well yeah.
Now can you just, like, relax a bit now, you know.
Alright? Here you are.
Now, I wonder where the toilet is? It's outside, I saw it as we come in.
Right! I think I'll leave it till morning.
Ah - Park lane.
I think that's one of my properties Rodney.
Course it is - you own everything on the board.
No I don't, no I don't.
Look, you've got Coventry Street.
Grandad's got the Waterworks and all that.
Ah, yeah, Park Lane, with one hotel, two thousand please.
Two - hold on.
According to this it only fifteen hundred! Yes, I know, but I've put you in the penthouse suite haven't I? I don't want the penthouse suite do I! There you go, fifteen hundred - that's all you're getting! He's like a big kid ain't he? Yeah, well, I give up on him, Grandad.
It's your go, Grandfather Ah, Piccadilly.
Right that's mine and I've got an hotel, so that's twelve hundred pounds! Twelve hundred quid for a hotel next to a smelly old waterworks? What? All them sewers.
I'd rather sleep in the car or look for a bed and breakfast.
No - no you don't understand.
Bless his littleLook, it's in the rules.
Twelve hundred pounds - it's scandalous.
I ain't a tourist you know.
Del, can you have a word with him? Well, I think he's got a point, Rodney.
I mean, I don't know what possessed you to build a hotel next to the sewage farm in the first place.
I mean, let's face it, your gaff's never going to get into the Michelin Guide is it? But the point of the Stupid bloody game! Oh that's charming that is innit, eh? - Just because you're losing.
- Oh shuddup.
You wanna learn to grow up a bit my son.
I didn't wanna play this stupid bloody game in the first place.
Yeah, alright.
Grandad, I think there's an hotel underneath your chair.
If there's any money down there it's mine, alright.
There's the carany more money down there? Don't you speak to me Rodney, I'm finished with yer.
Del, there is a man at the window.
You what? There is a man at the window.
He ain't got a bucket and a shammy leather has he? I'm being serious, Del.
There is somebody at the window! Alright Roddy - alright.
Relax, just take it easy alright? I'll take a look.
There's no one out there, Rodney, Look.
There's no one out there.
He was there, Del, I swear to you.
My face was inches from that glass.
What did he look like? Horrible.
He had these evil eyes and this grotesque evil face.
Maybe it was a reflection! That was no reflection Del, I swear to God What d'yer mean 'a reflection'? No, no, what I mean is that your imagination sometimes play games with you, you know.
It tricks you into believing that you saw something that isn't really there.
Del, I saw the rain running down his forehead, I saw the blood vessels in the whites of his eyes.
I saw the hairs coming out of his nostrils.
It might have been the shadows in the trees, Rodney.
Is anyone there? I think there's someone at the door! No, no, it's most probably just the shadows.
Shadows? Well until they start singing Summer Holiday we'll expect the worst.
Who's there? Oh good evening.
My name's Robson, I'm chief of security at the institution.
Oh thank Gawd for that! What the hell do you think you're doing? He's chief of security at the hospital.
Says who? Well he, just his minuteoh yeah! He could be anyone couldn't he? You get ready! - Well? - Well what? - Is that him? - Who? The face at the window.
- I don't know, I didn't look! - You wally! You never said what you was gonna do.
Is everything alright? Yeah I won't keep you a minute Chief.
Now do it - do it gain and this time take a good look.
- Alright.
- Alright ready.
Good evening.
- Well? - No, it's not him.
- You sure? - Yeah, I'm positive.
That is definitely not him.
Do come in, Chief.
Thank you.
Appauling weather.
Yes, sorry about leaving you standing out there but you can't be too sure can you - you know.
We thought you might be a double-glazing salesman! What? Oh yes.
Well, if you'd like to see some identification there's everything there from my driving licence to my blood donor's card.
Oh no, no, that's alright, alright.
Rodney, fix the Chief a drink will you? So, you haven't caught him then yet? Unfortunately no.
We've extended the search up to this area now.
We've the entire police forces of three counties out looking for him.
I was passing, saw a light.
What exactly are you gentlemen doing here? Oh, we're on a fishing trip.
I don't suppose you've seen anything? Well other than the face at the window, nothing.
Face at the window? Yeah, well, Rodney here reckoned he saw a face at the window.
I don't know whether to believe him or not.
Oh I saw him Del, I was only sort of like three inches away from him.
Could you describe him for me? Yeah, of course I could.
He was about 50.
He had this gaunt, hungry expression and his eyes were like wild animal's.
- And hairs out of his nostrils! - Yeah, and there was all that! You're quite certain it wasn't a reflection? Look, it was not a reflection! I'm sorry, but at times like these people's imagination run amok.
Why, we've had 200 sightings this evening alone.
What was the colour of his hair? - On his head! - Oh, er, grey.
Sounds like my man.
When exactly did this happen? Well just now.
A minute or so before you arrived.
So he must have seen me.
D'you reckon he's still out there then? Oh no, he'd be long gone by now.
It's the uniform you see - he's terrified of people in authority.
Well, after ten years in an institution who wouldn't be? Yeah, well, I feel sorry for the poor little cock.
Chief, do you mind if I ask you something? What's that? Well is it safe for me to go to the khazi? I mean it's outside.
Oh you're perfectly safe.
He'll be a long way away by now.
Oh good! Right, that's alright then.
Well go on then Del, there's nothing to be frightened of now.
I know, you don't have to go out here, do you? You heard what the Chief said.
Go on, there's no need to worry.
Yeah, well, alright.
He's such a worrier.
You weren't frightened at all? Me? Na.
No 'cos you see, in the past I have done work for the mentally disturbed.
He went out selling flags one Saturday.
Well yeah, but, er, I can actually sympathise with this guy's problems.
Sympathise? But he's a psycho.
Have you any idea what a 'psycho', as you so eloquently put it, is? Course I have.
He's a geezer that dresses up in his mother's clothes.
Bloody hell's bells.
Rodney, Grandad, come out here quick, bring some rope.
Yeah, so then, right, I grabbed the axe out of his hand and I cracked him good and hard on the jaw, so obviously he went down right.
Then I tied him up good and tight and we bundled him into the back of the van.
Good work lad.
You say you captured him single handed? Yeah.
Well, no, Del, my brother, back at the cottage he helped a bit.
You're too modest, Rodney.
Well, there could be a medal in this.
Right, get ready lads, this one could be a handful.
Is this some kind of joke? What d'you mean? This is no escaped lunatic.
This is Tome Witton, the gamekeeper.
And you shouldn't have gagged him like that, he suffers from asthma.
Now hold on a minute - the Chief of Security from the Institution itself said it was him.
What Chief of Security? What's his name? Robson.
I mean, you can ask him yourself, he's back at the cottage with Del.
Chief Robson is not at the cottage - he's at the hospital.
The escaped man hit him on the head then stole his uniform and his identity papers.
Well, I still reckon we should have gone with 'em.
It was imperative that I made out my report immediately.
And after all I needed you here with me, you were the one who recaptured him.
Well, yeah, I suppose, yeah.
Hey, what do you say we have a nice little drink to celebrate, eh? The old weather's clearing up nicely.
Look at that, it's a full moon.
There you go, Chief Excuse me.
Yes, hello.
Hello Rodders, did you get there all right He's what?? You alright? The Chief's just standing there, you know, examining his axe Yeah, alright then.
You'll hurry back won't you? Alright goodbye.
Just phoned up to tell us he got here alright.
- Good.
Do you like fish? - What? Do you like fish?? Oh yeah, yeah, little bit of salt an' vinegar, they're lovely.
I only like living fish.
Fish that swim in the rivers and the seas.
I don't like people that kill them.
No, no, no, don't like that sort myself either.
But I saw fishing rods on your van.
No, no, no, they didn't belong to me, they belong to my brother and Grandad.
I mean, I keep telling them.
I beg 'em not to hurt the poor little fishies.
I mean, I only come down here for the fresh air.
Do you like snooker? - Snooker? - Yes.
- Do you? - Oh yes.
So do I.
It's triffic innit? - Shall we play a game? - Of snooker? Yes.
Yeah, yeah, alright.
I'll tell you what.
I'll jut pop out to the shed at the bottom of the garden 'cos I think I remember seeing a snooker table in there.
No need, we'll use this one here.
What you mean this one here, you mean? Yes.
Yeah, yeah okay.
Is that a police helicopter? No, you're alight.
It's Barratts!! Good.
You can break.
Um, I tell you what, why don't I put that somewhere safe? Because you won't be able to hold yer cue properly with that in your hand, will you? No, I suppose you're right.
Yeah, course I am.
You know it makes sense.
Which cue would you like? I'll have this one.
Good, this is my favourite.
Yeah, you can see it's a good 'un, can't you? I'm not very good at snooker.
I always lose.
I've got a feeling you're gonna win this one.
I hope not.
I don't like winning.
My father used to force me to win at everything I did.
But people challenge winners.
You become vulnerable, you feel open to attack.
- Do you know the feeling? - Yeah, yeah, I know exactly what you mean.
But losers are anonymous.
No one wants to challenge a loser.
There's something comforting in defeat.
I really like losing.
Do you? Well, what do you say we make this game a little more interesting? Shall we play for a tenner a frame? Alright.
Got a feeling that this weekend is not going to be a total loss after all.
- Sorry? - Nothing.
Got the chalk? Thanks.